Moxie Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 DH and I do not exchange Christmas gifts for a lot of reasons. We're both pretty happy with that arrangement. My parents think this is silly. Last year we were at their house for Christmas and I had bought DH some video game or something. I don't even remember what it was and I'm sure I only bought it because I saw it while shopping for the kids and I knew he would be buying it for himself anyway. My parents are convinced that I was DEEPLY disappointed that DH didn't buy me anything (I wasn't because I know my man and I knew he wasn't buying anything for me). Fast forward to this year. My parents convince my unmarried, 20-year-old sister to call DH and tell him to buy something for me (like he is going to take her advice!!). My other, more rational sister told them to mind their own business. DH is pretty offended that they think he isn't taking care of me and wants to put them in their place. Here are the options we've discussed. ~He is thinking about buying me the naughtiest nightie he can find and giving it to me on Christmas morning. Not sure I want to go there with the kids around. ~He is also toying with the idea of buying me the worst Christmas sweater he can find and giving it to me. ~I kind of think we should just ignore them. My sister already told them to mind their own business. Thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I would ignore them. It is really none of their business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skirch Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I think he should give you a mop.:tongue_smilie: Ignoring them probably is the best course of action but I wouldn't be able to resist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdie Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) If your parents are overly involved in your life and do this sort of thing all the time, then I would just ignore them. Do whatever makes the most sense for you and your dh. However, if you parents are fairly reasonable most of the time, then having something to open on Christmas from your dh would be a way to honor them. I can be a "momma bear" when in comes to my children and maybe they are feeling that way about you, even though you are grown and have your own family. In that case, I would pick out something you need and have your dh wrap it up for you to open. The book Love Languages suggests that people have different ways of showing love - touch, acts of service, gift giving, (I forget the others). Maybe gift giving is one of you parent's love languages. If so, I can understand why they would want to see you get a gift. LOL! ETA - My dad passed away 4 years ago, and I have a great admiration for my dh because of the things he did to honor my dad. My father loved to talk and tell stories about his years working for IBM. My dh would sit and listen to him for hours. My dad respected our boundaries though,and I know that is not always the case. Edited December 18, 2009 by Ferdie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I love option #1, but I would probably tell them all to mind their own business! But that's how we are in my family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 If your parents are overly involved in your life and do this sort of thing all the time, then I would just ignore them. Do whatever makes the most sense for you and your dh. However, if you parents are fairly reasonable most of the time, then having something to open on Christmas from your dh would be a way to honor them. I can be a "momma bear" when in comes to my children and maybe they are feeling that way about you, even though you are grown and have your own family. Also some people have gift giving as their love language and maybe that is your parents way they show love. In that case, I would pick out something you need and have your dh wrap it up for you for Christmas. As far as the options you suggested I really don't see the point of buying an ugly sweater. :iagree: It would be hard for me to see my children or their spouses NOT give each other gifts. Really hard. There are things in the background of our very happy marriage that make me feel this way. It's a fear thing, I think. Being rude with the ugly sweater or naughty nightie is counter productive. If you want, simply say the you and your dh exchange gifts privately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ciyates Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I think he should give you a mop.:tongue_smilie: resist! :iagree: And you should give him a 3 pack of white wife beaters! Of course the right thing would be to ignore them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 option 1 & I think my preferred choice: I'd ignore them; dh & I don't exchange gifts at Christmas either. It's your relationship, your life, your choices. This is right up there with people telling you how often you have to go out or make love or talk or anything else. It's your relationship, you get to choose what you do & how. option 2: YOU call these people up and say "I've heard that you're under the impression that I was upset about not getting a gift from dh & I want you to know it's what we discussed and agreed upon. I do not want dh to buy me a gift & pls stop badgering him to do so. I'm very happy that you care for me & are looking out for me but really, this is something that dh & I are in agreement on." I would not do the joke gifty thing because a) it's passive aggressive & as I grow older, I'm just against that on principle; and b) they might not 'get' the joke and then they'll be worrying that his gift was inappropriate, that you didn't like it, and they will go into higher gear to teach him what they think is a good gift...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I think you should get dh something again, maybe something really nice, and that he should get you nothing. Then when you are opening presents, you should flip out and cry hysterically (can you cry on command?, that would make it even better) about how he must not love you and he never buys you anything. Once they all get drawn in, laugh and yell, "April Fool's! Stay out our business!" :D You may want to let dc in on the joke ahead of time, so that they don't get upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted December 18, 2009 Author Share Posted December 18, 2009 If your parents are overly involved in your life and do this sort of thing all the time, then I would just ignore them. Do whatever makes the most sense for you and your dh. However, if you parents are fairly reasonable most of the time, then having something to open on Christmas from your dh would be a way to honor them. I can be a "momma bear" when in comes to my children and maybe they are feeling that way about you, even though you are grown and have your own family. In that case, I would pick out something you need and have your dh wrap it up for you to open. The book Love Languages suggests that people have different ways of showing love - touch, acts of service, gift giving, (I forget the others). Maybe gift giving is one of you parent's love languages. If so, I can understand why they would want to see you get a gift. LOL! ETA - My dad passed away 4 years ago, and I have a great admiration for my dh because of the things he did to honor my dad. My father loved to talk and tell stories about his years working for IBM. My dh would sit and listen to him for hours. My dad respected our boundaries though,and I know that is not always the case. Wow!! I have read that book but I never applied it to my parents. Gifts are totally my Dad's love language. He is always buying stuff for Mom and us kids. I am seeing this situation in a whole new light; thanks!! I think I'm going to call my Dad and brag on the beautiful necklace DH bought me for my birthday last week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdie Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Wow!! I have read that book but I never applied it to my parents. Gifts are totally my Dad's love language. He is always buying stuff for Mom and us kids. I am seeing this situation in a whole new light; thanks!! I think I'm going to call my Dad and brag on the beautiful necklace DH bought me for my birthday last week. That's a great idea! Maybe you can wear your new necklace on Christmas and show it off to your Dad, too. Happy belated birthday to you!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 DH and I don't do gifts for each other either. Perhaps you can give each other empty boxes with a note that says something like "Filled with my love for you" Tell your family to butt out because you are both happy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) I just don't see a family gathering -- such as a Christmas get-together to be the most appropriate place to 'teach a lesson'. I'd let it go. Edited December 18, 2009 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I think you should get dh something again, maybe something really nice, and that he should get you nothing. Then when you are opening presents, you should flip out and cry hysterically (can you cry on command?, that would make it even better) about how he must not love you and he never buys you anything. Once they all get drawn in, laugh and yell, "April Fool's! Stay out our business!" :D You may want to let dc in on the joke ahead of time, so that they don't get upset. I was thinking something along these lines, too:D But I was thinking that DH hands you a gift and you get angry at him for getting you something after agreeing not to exchange gifts. I'm not a good enough actress to pull it off, but maybe you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BikeBookBread Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Gifts are DEFINITELY my parents' love language as well... I don't know if I would use Christmas morning to "teach a lesson" to my family...I'm not a fading violet, whatsoever, but it just doesn't seem worth it to me. It could create a lot more resentment and anger than you bargained for. I'd stick with the plan to not purchase for each other, as that is what you have decided as a couple. It is really between you and your husband, and this will send even more of a message to your parents than buying some token gift, or horrid present. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OHGrandma Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Wow!! I have read that book but I never applied it to my parents. Gifts are totally my Dad's love language. He is always buying stuff for Mom and us kids. I am seeing this situation in a whole new light; thanks!! I think I'm going to call my Dad and brag on the beautiful necklace DH bought me for my birthday last week. I think that is a good idea. As for any questioning about Christmas gift exchanges just tell them some gifts are a little too personal to share! Or, if you & hubby are both present and the remarks are done in person, just exchange a wink & smile and say it was personal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 :iagree: Ferdie, you are so wise. I was tending toward option #3, but I think your approach is much wiser and kinder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmgirlinwv Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 My dh and I do not exchange gifts, ever really. Not birthday or anniversary (which is today-17years!), Holidays...nothing. We are perfectly fine w/ that, but my family doesn't understand it. They, however, have the good sense to stay out of our business. If my sis did that I would probably explain it to her again, nicely because I love my family, and it is Christmas. Otherwise, ignore it. You don't want the children to associate Christmas w/ anger and arguing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 If your parents are overly involved in your life and do this sort of thing all the time, then I would just ignore them. Do whatever makes the most sense for you and your dh. However, if you parents are fairly reasonable most of the time, then having something to open on Christmas from your dh would be a way to honor them. I can be a "momma bear" when in comes to my children and maybe they are feeling that way about you, even though you are grown and have your own family. In that case, I would pick out something you need and have your dh wrap it up for you to open. The book Love Languages suggests that people have different ways of showing love - touch, acts of service, gift giving, (I forget the others). Maybe gift giving is one of you parent's love languages. If so, I can understand why they would want to see you get a gift. LOL! ETA - My dad passed away 4 years ago, and I have a great admiration for my dh because of the things he did to honor my dad. My father loved to talk and tell stories about his years working for IBM. My dh would sit and listen to him for hours. My dad respected our boundaries though,and I know that is not always the case. :iagree: Wise advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 The book Love Languages suggests that people have different ways of showing love - touch, acts of service, gift giving, (I forget the others). Maybe gift giving is one of you parent's love languages. If so, I can understand why they would want to see you get a gift. LOL! I was going to say the exact same thing. Sometimes the advice on this board is horrible. Getting each other awful gifts or pretending to have a breakdown in front of people is not a good idea. We have waaay too many threads about family members being jerks to know better. Don't be the jerk. Explain to everyone that you really do not like presents, explain that you know they don't understand, but ask them not to call dh about it. Tell them that it really hurt dh's feelings that everyone perceives that he is a bad husband when he's just not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lulubelle Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 We do not exchange Christmas gifts for each other either. We get what we need through out the year and it just seems too difficult to go shopping during the crazy Christmas rush for each other. My husbands parents love language is gifts to a fault! I wouldn't do anything - just have your husband let your sister know that she cannot persuade him to break your personal decision. If your family wants you to open something and it is their love language they should give you a gift from themselves and leave it at that. I do not think it would be honoring to them to go through with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 The grown up me would go with ignoring them. We have nosy family too. But the immature me would go with the naughty nightie and play it up. Ya know, get totally embarassed, shove it back in the box and blush. Really it wouldn't be too far of a stretch for me to act that it up. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Ijust exchange a wink & smile and say it was personal. Yes, perhaps tell them you got each other some really special "tea." :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 If you want, simply say the you and your dh exchange gifts privately. :iagree: And if they ask what you got, tell them it's too private to mention. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 :iagree: It would be hard for me to see my children or their spouses NOT give each other gifts. Really hard. There are things in the background of our very happy marriage that make me feel this way. It's a fear thing, I think. Being rude with the ugly sweater or naughty nightie is counter productive. If you want, simply say the you and your dh exchange gifts privately. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Ignore it. For all of their boundary issues and clueless indignation on your behalf, they love you and want you to be happy. I'd address the issue at another time, though, because I wouldn't want my family to see my dh as a jerk. (But the silly part of me would wrap up a bunch of things from around the house, like a box of toothpicks and an oven mitt and gush like crazy. ;) ) Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I don't know if I would use Christmas morning to "teach a lesson" to my family...I'm not a fading violet, whatsoever, but it just doesn't seem worth it to me. It could create a lot more resentment and anger than you bargained for. I'd stick with the plan to not purchase for each other, as that is what you have decided as a couple. It is really between you and your husband, and this will send even more of a message to your parents than buying some token gift, or horrid present. I totally agree. I also agree with showing off the necklace he bought you for your birthday, etc. Make sure they know he is taking care of you. They are your parents, they will always try to protect you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Don't be the jerk. There's a motto for the season! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I think I would take something you own, wrap it, take it to their house, and have him pull it out special for you in front of them....as you sit there with nothing to give him. Then, be sure to vocalize how you told him not to get you anything and you are really disappointed that he did. That should get their to mind their own business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trixie Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I just don't see a family gathering -- such as a Christmas get-together to be the most appropriate place to 'teach a lesson'. I'd let it go. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Just do what makes you happy as a couple. They are trying to help in their own way, but should stay out of your marriage. Be gracious, but ignore em. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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