I need some advice..pronto..

[mommyoftwinboys]

O.k. so this weekend I allowed my twins to go to a new friend's house to play for a couple of hours. We don't know the family super well but we do know that they are Christians(they have invited us to church) and are in our Christian homeschool group. My boys met there boys at several homeschooling events and hit it off wonderfully. So, we brought them to their home on Sat. for an afternoon playdate. We stayed a bit to chat with the mom so my husband could meet her and we could just take a look around and give some ground rules to the boys.

Well, everything went well until we picked up the boys. They got in the car and had these weird looks on their faces. We asked what was wrong and my one son started crying and told us the boys told us not to tell us something...oh gosh.. here we go...

They spewed out every cuss word I've ever known. The boys wanted to know what s*** and f*** mean and what was a h*...I screamed...I literally screamed. Not the best thing at the moment, but I was truely shocked. My kids are only 7!!!! They have never...I mean never heard any of those words before. They were crying and we expressed to them how proud we were that they told us even though the boys at the playdate told them to promise and not tell their parents.

I'm still in shock and horrified. I feel like my boys have lost their innocence. I don't mean to sound dramatic but I really do. They keep coming up asking about these words and my one son said today he's scared to say, "Ho, Ho, Ho" like Santa because he know's it's bad. I can see him fighting back the tears everytime they try and talk about this with us. Like they feel dirty or something...ywim?

I told them they were not permitted to hang out with those boys anymore, not because the boys did something wrong, but because they told them to keep a secret from us. To be honest, my boys don't want to hang out with them again anyway. They even told me to call the boy's mother and tell her but I'm scared to do that because I don't want any backlash to my boy's at a homeschool event that this family may be at.

What else can I do? Please help me find the right words to say to these precious boys...I feel so bad that there hearts are hurting for knowing these things and they keep saying they are trying to forget but can't.

Please help...

[lcelmer]

Oh dear! I'm so sorry for the difficult situation... :grouphug:

 

 

Here are my thoughts...

 

"They even told me to call the boy's mother and tell her but I'm scared to do that because I don't want any backlash to my boy's at a homeschool event that this family may be at."

 

You should definitely talk to the other mom. After all wouldn't you want someone to tell you if this happened and your kids were the ones saying not to tell? If you are a Christian too, you FOR SURE have a responsibility to talk to the mom about what happened.

 

Good idea to keep the contact between the kids low, other than in public settings, but don't let this become a stumbling block to your relationship with the mom. For all we know, her kids had a "friend" do the same thing and they are just passing it on...

 

And re: your kiddos, just try to explain calmly that we don't use these words in this way. The more upset you are, the more upset they will be.

 

""They keep coming up asking about these words and my one son said today he's scared to say, "Ho, Ho, Ho" like Santa because he know's it's bad. I can see him fighting back the tears everytime they try and talk about this with us. Like they feel dirty or something...ywim?""

 

Just explain that they are not dirty! Even if they had been swearing on purpose, there is forgiveness for that too. :-) That and grin and say ho ho ho like Santa a bunch.

Edited December 15, 2009 by lcelmer

[gardening momma]

You should definitely talk to the other mom. After all wouldn't you want someone to tell you if this happened and your kids were the ones saying not to tell? If you are a Christian too, you FOR SURE have a responsibility to talk to the mom about what happened.

 

Good idea to keep the contact between the kids low, other than in public settings, but don't let this become a stumbling block to your relationship with the mom. For all we know, her kids had a "friend" do the same thing and they are just passing it on...

:iagree: Talk to the mom...let her know that you want to give her a heads up that her boys have learned some words (and passed them on to your boys) that she probably wouldn't want them using.

 

When I was a kid I learned some dirty jokes and didn't fully understand that they were dirty. I even told them to some other friends of mine--it finally clicked when I saw their shocked faces. :001_huh: My mom still doesn't know. ;)

[EmilyK]

I think your kids may be reacting as much to how upset you are as to what happened. The less we can react, the more space there is for them to open up about upsetting things without worrying they are going to hurt us. (I don't always follow this advice, so I mean this very gently. :001_smile:)

[Stacie]

No more visits with these kids for a while, and have a frank discussion with her. Her boys are likely hiding it from her since they seem to be well-versed in the "don't tell your parents" line of thinking. If she knows about it and is okay with it, which I highly doubt, you'll know it right away.

 

As for what to tell your sons, many words can be made to sound bad. However, using the Santa example, Santa would never use a word to insult another person. Using the word as an insult is not proper, but it's okay to use it in another way. But remind them to always be mindful of how a word is used and the company in which they use it.

 

I remember hearing the he!l word as a young child and repeating it, in context, of course! My grandparents told me how it was a bad word. The next time I heard our preacher mention it I was mortified how he was using curse words. It was then that my parents explained how words have different meanings and to understand the context in which they are used. It's a good thing to learn!

[FourOaks]

I agree that you do need to talk with the parents of the other kids. I am COMPLETELY nonconfrontational, but this is really something that the mom needs to be aware of. Also, a big hug for you and your boys. I totally understand how you feel that they have lost their innocence. I would feel the same way. I have no profound advice for you other than to keep talking with them about it. Thank the Lord that they have been so open with you -- that in itself is incredible. Continue to explain that words are words and used in lots of different ways by many different people. Maybe specific Bible verses could help you (since you are a Christian). Verses about the tongue, using only words that encouage and lift up, etc.

[hillfarm]

The damage is done. Now is time to look for the silver lining--the valuable lessons learned that might have been much more painful to have to learn in other circumstances.

 

First, membership in a church or a Christian homeschool group, while a positive indicator, is no substitute for a true relationship with God. Perhaps before allowing unsupervised play you should wait until you know the hearts of the other children a little better. Particularly as long as your dc are not quite yet strong enough to comfortably stand up in the face of such wrong doing.

 

Second, just as my dd's pain level seemed to rise in direct correlation to the amount of my attention to any of her various scrapes and injuries, your sons' trauma over hearing the inappropriate language may be in proportion to your response to it. What do you think they would have though if you had rolled your eyes and said something like, "Goodness gracious! Those are not very nice words and they are ones our family chooses not to use. They have to do with the potty talk and privates talk that so many people use to try to shock others. How were the boys otherwise? Why do you think they felt they had to share their vocabulary of inappropriate words with you?" Followed by calm conversation until the time when you and dh could get behind closed doors and then scream and let your eyeballs bug out!

 

If your children live in this world, I can guarantee they are going to be hearing plenty of this kind of talk, from so-called good kids, as well as those labeled as the bad ones. Your calm response can do so much to help them shrug it off as an ugly habit in which your family does not participate. By screaming and frightening the boys, it appears that they may now be feeling guilty for being party to that over which they had no control.

 

Bad language is not tolerated in my home but I know it is in the world and so does my 11yo dd. We let it roll off our backs and move on. However, of more concern to me would be the fact that the parents may be so totally unaware of the true nature of their own children, so what else might the little darlings be up to, and as you mentioned, that the other children tried to influence your children to withold the truth of their behavior from you. (Which is an age old method of blackmail--gaining some leverage over your victims via encouraging them to remain silent, which you later threaten to spin as complicity and compliance.)

 

And I mean this gently, but perhaps some of your response is due to your shock at your own unawareness of the potential for trouble here. It is frightening when our Mommy Radar is on the fritz. I know I feel so vulnerable and like I somehow failed to prevent the problem when that happens.

 

I guess I would encourage you to pick your battles. Potty and sexual talk are merely words at the end of the day. However, pressuring others to lie by omission, and an obvious desire to do wrong things merely to shock or impress others would be my main discussion topics with my child if we were in a similar situation.

Edited December 15, 2009 by hillfarm

[LibraryLover]

You only have 55 posts, which means I have no idea who you are and if you are serious, so I might be going out on a limb here.

 

But girl! You so totally overreacted. Your boys are crying because you freaked out. You need to rewind and let them know that you freaked out and you shouldn't have. That they are fine and all is well, and these things happen. Let them know you don't want them to say such words, but that they only mean something terrible when people mean something terrible. Your kids don't knwo what a Ho is. (Are you joking about that, pulling our legs with the Ho Ho Ho? Because it really seems like a joke).

 

Get a grip. Saying uckfay at 7 is not actually ucfaying at 7.

[JudoMom]

You only have 55 posts, which means I have no idea who you are and if you are serious, so I might be going out on a limb here.

 

But girl! You so totally overreacted. Your boys are crying because you freaked out. You need to rewind and let them know that you freaked out and you shouldn't have. That they are fine and all is well, and these things happen. Let them know you don't want them to say such words, but that they only mean something terrible when people mean something terrible. Your kids don't knwo what a Ho is. (Are you joking about that, pulling our legs with the Ho Ho Ho? Because it really seems like a joke).

 

Get a grip. Saying uckfay at 7 is not actually ucfaying at 7.

 

:iagree: They are simply words. Sure, it stinks they know them, but they don't need to know any more than "we don't say those words". It really should simply be a blip on the radar.

[smrtmama]

You only have 55 posts, which means I have no idea who you are and if you are serious, so I might be going out on a limb here.

 

But girl! You so totally overreacted. Your boys are crying because you freaked out. You need to rewind and let them know that you freaked out and you shouldn't have. That they are fine and all is well, and these things happen. Let them know you don't want them to say such words, but that they only mean something terrible when people mean something terrible. Your kids don't knwo what a Ho is. (Are you joking about that, pulling our legs with the Ho Ho Ho? Because it really seems like a joke).

 

Get a grip. Saying uckfay at 7 is not actually ucfaying at 7.

 

Yes, this. So much this.

[Nakia]

Yeah, you gotta calm down. I think your kids are so freaked because you are. Kids definitely pick up on that stuff. And you have to talk to the other mom. I think she would want to know.

[ChristusG]

You only have 55 posts, which means I have no idea who you are and if you are serious, so I might be going out on a limb here.

 

But girl! You so totally overreacted. Your boys are crying because you freaked out. You need to rewind and let them know that you freaked out and you shouldn't have. That they are fine and all is well, and these things happen. Let them know you don't want them to say such words, but that they only mean something terrible when people mean something terrible. Your kids don't knwo what a Ho is. (Are you joking about that, pulling our legs with the Ho Ho Ho? Because it really seems like a joke).

 

Get a grip. Saying uckfay at 7 is not actually ucfaying at 7.

 

Sorry, but I have to disagree. My oldest is five. She has no idea what a cuss word is. I work hard to keep her sheltered and innocent for as long as possible. Kids don't need to know those words. I would be absolutely livid if my child came from a friends house spewing that filth. We absolutely do not cuss in our household. None of the family members that we visit say cuss words. Yes, I would feel like my child had lost part of their innocence by learning words like that.

 

According to the OP's post, her child began crying before she got upset about the words they had heard.

 

But yes, you do need to speak with the mother. I am shy and I do not do well with things like that. But I think I would have to find some way to speak to her about it.

[Scarlett]

Sorry, but I have to disagree. My oldest is five. She has no idea what a cuss word is. I work hard to keep her sheltered and innocent for as long as possible. Kids don't need to know those words. I would be absolutely livid if my child came from a friends house spewing that filth. We absolutely do not cuss in our household. None of the family members that we visit say cuss words. Yes, I would feel like my child had lost part of their innocence by learning words like that.

 

According to the OP's post, her child began crying before she got upset about the words they had heard.

 

But yes, you do need to speak with the mother. I am shy and I do not do well with things like that. But I think I would have to find some way to speak to her about it.

 

I agree with you and with LaurieNE. It IS a big deal, but not the end of the world. And yes she should back up and calm herself down so she can calm her kids down.

 

My ds didn't hear the F word until he was 8. From his stupid father. :glare:

 

I am surpised he made it to age 8 without hearing it from his dad to tell you the truth. He was so cute though about words....I've always told him that ANY bad word he hears I will tell him what it means. I also sort of rate bad words. For instance, I explain how a grown up who says 'oh hell' hasn't committed near the misstep as someone who uses the F word. Before he heard the F word, he knew there WAS an F word. So he comes to me and asks me to tell him what it is. I refused. I told him he would hear it eventually but *I* wasn't going to put it in his mind. One day he repeated the word 'F*rt*. I said, 'that is not a nice word, do not use that word.' He said, 'ok, mom but just tell me this: is that the F word?'

[mommyoftwinboys]

Yes, to reiterate he did start crying before I freaked out. I think he was so upset that someone told him to keep a secret from me. Honestly, as far as I'm aware, my children have never lied to me. We are really open with each other and I always tell them they can tell me anything and they do. I'm really, really proud of them for coming to me immediately after I picked them up. I know it must have been hard for them because they wanted to be friends with these boys but knew what they were doing is wrong. I personally don't think I'm overacting about them being words. I truely believe it is an innocence lost...regardless of if they know the meaning or not. I would just like some advice on how to comfort them over this and how to respond when they ask the meanings of the words.

I would it from a Christian perspective if possible. I don't want to act like it's no big deal, because it is a big deal, ywim?

 

And I'm sorry I *only* have 55 posts..I didn't know I had to post alot to ask a question so I'm sorry in advance for that.

[mommyoftwinboys]

Also, I haven't brought it up again except to commend them on telling the truth about the situation. When he tears up(he's trying to fight the tears)I believe it's because he's really upset about it not because I'm overreacting. Yes, I did scream about it once on Sat. but I haven't freaked out again about it but have comforted them both since then...

[Scarlett]

Yes, to reiterate he did start crying before I freaked out. I think he was so upset that someone told him to keep a secret from me. Honestly, as far as I'm aware, my children have never lied to me. We are really open with each other and I always tell them they can tell me anything and they do. I'm really, really proud of them for coming to me immediately after I picked them up. I know it must have been hard for them because they wanted to be friends with these boys but knew what they were doing is wrong. I personally don't think I'm overacting about them being words. I truely believe it is an innocence lost...regardless of if they know the meaning or not. I would just like some advice on how to comfort them over this and how to respond when they ask the meanings of the words.

I would it from a Christian perspective if possible. I don't want to act like it's no big deal, because it is a big deal, ywim?

 

And I'm sorry I *only* have 55 posts..I didn't know I had to post alot to ask a question so I'm sorry in advance for that.

 

See my post above. I certainly believe you have to tell them, in 7 year old appropriate language, what the words mean.

 

Their innocence isn't lost. They've heard some bad words that they are just as likely to hear walking through Wal-Mart someday. That doesn't make them not innocent.

 

I wouldn't let my kids play unsupervised with these kids anymore. The fact that they tried to get your boys to keep a secret is huge to me. Bigger than bad words.

 

YMMV

[Renee in NC]

You only have 55 posts, which means I have no idea who you are and if you are serious, so I might be going out on a limb here.

 

But girl! You so totally overreacted. Your boys are crying because you freaked out. You need to rewind and let them know that you freaked out and you shouldn't have. That they are fine and all is well, and these things happen. Let them know you don't want them to say such words, but that they only mean something terrible when people mean something terrible. Your kids don't knwo what a Ho is. (Are you joking about that, pulling our legs with the Ho Ho Ho? Because it really seems like a joke).

 

Get a grip. Saying uckfay at 7 is not actually ucfaying at 7.

 

:iagree:

 

So they heard the words and wanted to know what they mean. I wonder what in the world was going on for them to learn all those words and remember them in just a couple of hours! They told you and you say, "those are bad words and we don't use them."

 

End of story.

[teamturner]

And I'm sorry I *only* have 55 posts..I didn't know I had to post alot to ask a question so I'm sorry in advance for that.

 

You don't have to have any number of posts to ask a question. That was not a nice comment. :confused:

 

I'm sorry your boys had that experience, but they will soon forget about it if you treat it like no big deal. If they bring it up just remind them that you love them and they don't need to worry about it anymore.

[mommyoftwinboys]

You only have 55 posts, which means I have no idea who you are and if you are serious, so I might be going out on a limb here.

 

But girl! You so totally overreacted. Your boys are crying because you freaked out. You need to rewind and let them know that you freaked out and you shouldn't have. That they are fine and all is well, and these things happen. Let them know you don't want them to say such words, but that they only mean something terrible when people mean something terrible. Your kids don't knwo what a Ho is. (Are you joking about that, pulling our legs with the Ho Ho Ho? Because it really seems like a joke).

 

Get a grip. Saying uckfay at 7 is not actually ucfaying at 7.

 

I don't know how to single out a specific sentence but I didn't understand what you meant when you said my kids don't know what a Ho is and you felt it was a joke...it wasn't a joke at all. My kids don't know what a Ho is and when those boys told them it was a bad word they really believed they were saying bad words by saying HoHoHo...

[LibraryLover]

You don't have to have any number of posts to ask a question. That was not a nice comment. :confused:

 

I'm sorry your boys had that experience, but they will soon forget about it if you treat it like no big deal. If they bring it up just remind them that you love them and they don't need to worry about it anymore.

 

One can ask anything they want at any time they wish, and dramatic posts by new folks are often met with gently raised eyebrows. Those with a couple of thousand posts (shame on us) can respond to any post they want, at any time they wish. As long as nobody is name-calling or slipping Pro/Con Palin/Obama links in their siggies, all is well.

 

Kit & kaboodle in a nutshell..and all.

[ChristusG]

I don't know how to single out a specific sentence but I didn't understand what you meant when you said my kids don't know what a Ho is and you felt it was a joke...it wasn't a joke at all. My kids don't know what a Ho is and when those boys told them it was a bad word they really believed they were saying bad words by saying HoHoHo...

 

 

Your kids sound just like my 5 year old DD. She is very much a rule follower and she would definitely think that if hoe is a "bad" word, then she should not say "ho, ho, ho" like Santa. I can honestly see her never saying the words "ho, ho, ho" again if it happened to her, despite my reassurance that it was fine to say it.

[sunshine]

You poor thing. I know how you feel when you feel your child has lost a little of their innocence. It is a part of their childhood is gone. I have misjudged people before and regretted it for years. But you can't take it back and you can't give them virgin ears again. I agree that you should talk about it matter of factly, expressing that your family does not talk like that because of our reverence for God, and His commandments that we dont' allow any unwholesome words come from our mouth (Eph 4:29). Tell them you are sorry that they were put in that position but sometimes we misjudge people and that you should pray for the little boys that they will be protected from whoever taught them those words. Then, for the sake of the other boys I would call the mother and tell her that you are worried because they are being taught filthy language and you know she would want to know. I doubt she will admit if she knows this but your conscience will be clear and never allow them together again. That may just be the tip of the iceberg of what those poor kids have been exposed to.

 

Your kids will see it as a sad situation and not something that affects them, except as someone who has found out a sad situation and can pray for it and the other kids. That gives them some control of their feelings if they think of it as something to pray about. Does that make sense? They won't feel so violated if you act like they were not, just witnesses to something sad. Not victims of anything.

[msjones]

If my boys were to do something like this, I would wholeheartedly thank the woman who let me know about it.

 

Definitely tell the mom.

[kalanamak]

 

Their innocence isn't lost. They've heard some bad words that they are just as likely to hear walking through Wal-Mart someday. That doesn't make them not innocent.

 

I wouldn't let my kids play unsupervised with these kids anymore.

 

My son is picking up bad words at the homeschool gym class! Since we are studying synonyms, I prefer to show him how weak these words are....that there are so many more interesting ones out there in the world.

 

As for the boys, I'd hope I could find more positively oriented playmates....really into something, rather than intellectually insipid enough to think that entertaining. I think I was entertained for all of one afternoon, with this kind of thing, and I was nearly 8. I tried to look all those words up in my grandparent's dictionary, but 1901 wasn't a good year for cuss words, I guess.:)

 

Possibly it was a brief blip into shock-the-guests behavior.

[teamturner]

Gently raised eyebrows is one thing. Implying to a new poster that their post may not be legitimate is another. Ignoring what you may believe is not a sincere post may be the more courteous approach, but that's just me. To each his/her own.

[Irene Lynn]

My dd reacted similarly to the way you describe your boys' reactions, so I have thought about this some with my own dd. I have a few different thoughts.

 

1. Words are just sounds. In other languages our words make no sense and vice versa. I know that the new meaning is stuck in their heads right now, but that will pass and they will again hear the words like "ho,ho,ho" as intended. I had a chat about words with my dd. Point out common words that we use all the time, but rarely confuse, like "I" and "eye" and "aye". No one, unless they have a dirty mind (and I'll get back to that one.) will be confused about what your boys mean, if they say "ho, ho, ho". There are other words that are easier to confuse, but people know what is meant by the reputation/character of the person using the words. The actual sound of the word is not a problem, it is what we mean by it. For ex. We have a Thai student at our house. She is a Christian and so are we and none of us is given to using bad language at all. She told us that a very common word that we use all the time, when said in a higher way, is a very bad word in her language. We were all curious about the difference in pronunciation, since it was so minor to our ears and tried out the differences without really thinking what it sounded like to our girl. She totally understood and was not too disturbed, but then my dh suddenly realized that he was saying something terrible over and over in front of her and apologized profusely. It just didn't FEEL terrible to us at all. It sounded like a normal word with no bad meaning at all to us. Were we really saying something "bad"? I don't think so and that is why our student wasn't bothered by it. We meant nothing bad by it, however we still apologized and won't say it again that way on purpose. That is the way I would view certain words. Kids have been known to be good at rhymes and have rhymed words I won't repeat. No one would say that was terrible, but I would tell my child to avoid those particular words, because they will be misunderstood as saying something bad. I have heard about a poor boy, who loved trucks, but couldn't pronounce it correctly. Somehow, he had no trouble with the "f" sounds though... It was misfortunate, but he was not bad.

 

2.My dd struggled with feeling like she had a "dirty mind". She felt ashamed, since it seemed to be her own mind that kept repeating those words. I tried to explain the difference the way I see it anyway. People with "dirty minds" are those who enjoy the dirt and like to play in it in their minds. If a person doesn't like the thought that comes into their heads and fights against it that is a different thing. I encouraged dd to pray and I prayed with her, too, for God to give her mind peace and to help her from having to hear those words over and over in her head. It took a little bit, but it did go away. I let dd know that we all struggle with our thoughts at times, but that should not bring a sense of shame. We learn to turn our hearts toward God and our thoughts toward something good. In other words we DO something about it, rather than let the words settle in for play time. In their situation they could also pray for the boy/s who told them these words any time one of the words bothered their thoughts.

 

3. Our dd was troubled at night, so I played some good music at bedtime to give her mind something else to think about.

[Spy Car]

O.k. so this weekend I allowed my twins to go to a new friend's house to play for a couple of hours. We don't know the family super well but we do know that they are Christians(they have invited us to church) and are in our Christian homeschool group. My boys met there boys at several homeschooling events and hit it off wonderfully. So, we brought them to their home on Sat. for an afternoon playdate. We stayed a bit to chat with the mom so my husband could meet her and we could just take a look around and give some ground rules to the boys.

Well, everything went well until we picked up the boys. They got in the car and had these weird looks on their faces. We asked what was wrong and my one son started crying and told us the boys told us not to tell us something...oh gosh.. here we go...

They spewed out every cuss word I've ever known. The boys wanted to know what s*** and f*** mean and what was a h*...I screamed...I literally screamed. Not the best thing at the moment, but I was truely shocked. My kids are only 7!!!! They have never...I mean never heard any of those words before. They were crying and we expressed to them how proud we were that they told us even though the boys at the playdate told them to promise and not tell their parents.

I'm still in shock and horrified. I feel like my boys have lost their innocence. I don't mean to sound dramatic but I really do. They keep coming up asking about these words and my one son said today he's scared to say, "Ho, Ho, Ho" like Santa because he know's it's bad. I can see him fighting back the tears everytime they try and talk about this with us. Like they feel dirty or something...ywim?

I told them they were not permitted to hang out with those boys anymore, not because the boys did something wrong, but because they told them to keep a secret from us. To be honest, my boys don't want to hang out with them again anyway. They even told me to call the boy's mother and tell her but I'm scared to do that because I don't want any backlash to my boy's at a homeschool event that this family may be at.

What else can I do? Please help me find the right words to say to these precious boys...I feel so bad that there hearts are hurting for knowing these things and they keep saying they are trying to forget but can't.

Please help...

 

OK. In your situation I would be aggrieved. Not happy. And the father of those boys and I would be having a very full conversation about what transpired.

 

That said, your behavior is the biggest problem here. Really you need to get a grip. The innocence of your children isn't stripped away and lost forever because they heard some dumb kid use the f-word.

 

But they will live in a very weird, unhealthy, and psychologically damaging environment if their mother behaves hysterically, and her children carry a burden of great shame.

 

Newsflash! Many children have heard the f-word at 7 and still grow up to be decent and loving human beings.

 

The best way to comfort your children would be to "move on." Life back to normal. But a bunch of drama from you will only screw with their heads (more than you already have). Because you didn't handle this parenting task very well at all. Your response was completely immature, overly-dramatic and ultimately very selfish. Time spent thinking about how to be a more mature parent to your children might be time well spent.

 

Tomorrow, make breakfast with a smile and be back to being Mom like she was a week ago (even if you have to fake it), and that would be the best thing you can do for your children.

 

They have done nothing wrong (and have in fact been exemplary in their behavior, and you should be nothing but proud of them). And they heard some words whose meaning they don't understand.

 

Don't make it worse than it is.

 

Bill (who hope this sounds gentle)

Edited December 15, 2009 by Spy Car

[Lovedtodeath]

:iagree: Good post Bill.

[KidsHappen]

I have to agree that your reaction was a bigger problem than them hearing the words in the first place. The first rule of parenting is to remain calm unless panic is in order and clearly useful. It is scientifically proven that people think less clearly when they panic. So even though you find this quite upsetting you need to communicate to your children that they have done nothing wrong, as a matter of fact their behavior was exemplary and all is well in the world. While words have meaning and can be powerful, they are not magic. Approach it the same way you would when discussing other people's beliefs. Other people may use these words but we do not.

 

Oh, and you don;t have to have a certain number of post to ask any question but it is harder to judge a newer person's post than someone who has been here longer and is better known. If I had posted exactly the same thing people would have definitely said to me, "Get a grip, gilr!" and then added a big ole :chillpill:. Whereas, if I posted something truly crazy they would just say, "Oh Kids and her crazy life." Stick around and post more and we will get to know you better and therefore be better able to respond to you personally instead of some faceless person on the internet.

 

Sorry that you are in a stressful situation and I hope that you find the stregth to deal with it peacefully and constructively. It's hard being a parent.

[Osmosis Mom]

You only have 55 posts, which means I have no idea who you are and if you are serious, so I might be going out on a limb here.

 

But girl! You so totally overreacted. Your boys are crying because you freaked out. You need to rewind and let them know that you freaked out and you shouldn't have. That they are fine and all is well, and these things happen. Let them know you don't want them to say such words, but that they only mean something terrible when people mean something terrible. Your kids don't knwo what a Ho is. (Are you joking about that, pulling our legs with the Ho Ho Ho? Because it really seems like a joke).

 

Get a grip. Saying uckfay at 7 is not actually ucfaying at 7.

 

I agree, lol!!!! Bad words are just that, bad words and are to be expected. That's why we teach our kids that there are bad words which have bad meanings and we don't want to use them or them to use them since they wouldn't even understand the meaning.

 

I am not even sure I'd mention it to the mother except in a very casual way. If oyu don't want to send your boys again, then don't, but don't make a big thing out of it. Words are very different from acts or that kind of transgressions.

[rwjx2khsmj]

The first rule of parenting is to remain calm unless panic is in order and clearly useful.

 

 

Love this quote! I think I'm going to cross stitch it on pillows, lots of pillows, for my newly pregnant sis. She's going to need reminding. I'll be putting CLEARLY USEFUL in caps.

[Pretty in Pink]

I agree that your initial reaction was over the top, but you can't go back and change it now; all that's left to do is decide upon a course of action and move on.

 

Sure, talk to the other parents involved.

 

Talk to you kids. Words are just words, etc. If they must know what a word means, tell them. It can be as simple as, "Have you ever heard me (or dad, uncle, auntie) say 'Oh, darn (or fudge, fiddlesticks, etc) when we get upset. Some people say naughty words instead." Whatever. Short and simple.

 

Your kids aren't ruined. Honestly.

 

While I don't condone the other boys' behavior, is it really abnormal for children that age to do what they did? I don't think so. Of course their behavior is not desirable, but I do think it is normal. Their parents need to have a talk with them.

[Julie in CA]

I personally don't think I'm overacting about them being words. I truely believe it is an innocence lost...regardless of if they know the meaning or not. I would just like some advice on how to comfort them over this and how to respond when they ask the meanings of the words.

I would it from a Christian perspective if possible. I don't want to act like it's no big deal, because it is a big deal, ywim?

 

I'm a Christian. I'm even a conservative Christian. Women in my congregation do not vote. I fully believe that my dh is in full authority over me. We practice courtship rather than dating. When my dc were young they watched no t.v. I didn't allow my children to view Disney movies....on and on. *Still* I'm with the others who have let you know that the problem here is your over-reaction. Your children haven't lost their innocence, nor have they been ruined, though it sounds as though you have probably given them that impression, and I think you need to try and undo some damage you may have inadvertently done in that area.

 

Would I be pleased that the whole thing happened? No, but it's in no way the big deal you're making of it. I would have had a talk with my boys, and it would have gone something like this:

"Boys, I'm sorry that you've inadvertently been drawn into someone else's sin. That can be a scary thing, and I'm glad to see that you are taking it seriously. Those words are wrong for a variety of reasons. Some of them trivialize important things, some of them are insults towards other people, and all of them are dishonorable for you, as people who love the Lord, to use. You will find that many people use those words, but I want you to listen to those convictions that God put in your heart, in order to keep you safe, and to keep you close to Him. I can understand that you are probably worried about your friends now, and I encourage you to pray for them, and at some point I (or your dad) will let their mom and dad know what's going on with them, so they can help them get past using bad language. Thank you for coming to me with your concerns, so that I can help you through the tough stuff. That's why God gave you parents, so if you need to talk to me about this again some time, that's ok." Then we'd all move on.

Edited December 15, 2009 by Julie in CA

[LibraryLover]

Very nice. :)

 

I agree that your initial reaction was over the top, but you can't go back and change it now; all that's left to do is decide upon a course of action and move on.

 

Sure, talk to the other parents involved.

 

Talk to you kids. Words are just words, etc. If they must know what a word means, tell them. It can be as simple as, "Have you ever heard me (or dad, uncle, auntie) say 'Oh, darn (or fudge, fiddlesticks, etc) when we get upset. Some people say naughty words instead." Whatever. Short and simple.

 

Your kids aren't ruined. Honestly.

 

While I don't condone the other boys' behavior, is it really abnormal for children that age to do what they did? I don't think so. Of course their behavior is not desirable, but I do think it is normal. Their parents need to have a talk with them.

[Hillary in KS]

I'm a Christian. I'm even a conservative Christian. Women in my congregation do not vote. I fully believe that my dh is in full authority over me. We practice courtship rather than dating. When my dc were young they watched no t.v. I didn't allow my children to view Disney movies....on and on. *Still* I'm with the others who have let you know that the problem here is your over-reaction. Your children haven't lost their innocence, nor have they been ruined, though it sounds as though you have probably given them that impression, and I think you need to try and undo some damage you may have inadvertently done in that area.

 

Would I be pleased that the whole thing happened? No, but it's in no way the big deal you're making of it. I would have had a talk with my boys, and it would have gone something like this:

"Boys, I'm sorry that you've inadvertently been drawn into someone else's sin. That can be a scary thing, and I'm glad to see that you are taking it seriously. Those words are wrong for a variety of reasons. Some of them trivialize important things, some of them are insults towards other people, and all of them are dishonorable for you, as people who love the Lord, to use. You will find that many people use those words, but I want you to listen to those convictions that God put in your heart, in order to keep you safe, and to keep you close to Him. I can understand that you are probably worried about your friends now, and I encourage you to pray for them, and at some point I (or your dad) will let their mom and dad know what's going on with them, so they can help them get past using bad language. Thank you for coming to me with your concerns, so that I can help you through the tough stuff. That's why God gave you parents, so if you need to talk to me about this again some time, that's ok." Then we'd all move on.

 

:iagree:

 

Another very conservative Christian here, and I'll echo Julie's thoughts.

[hillfarm]

"I'm still in shock and horrified. I feel like my boys have lost their innocence. I don't mean to sound dramatic but I really do."...OP

 

Several posters have mentioned something about their children losing their innocence. IMO, innocence is great when it is age and developmentally appropriate. But the opposite of innocence is experience, which although not always comfortable, is generally unavoidable as we move through life. The fact is that our children are losing bits of their innocence every day. And there is nothing that we can do to stop this natural process. It will happen despite our best efforts. Therefore I encourage teaching them how to deal with it properly rather than fighting the impossible battle of trying to insulate them from everything we deem wrong. I try to keep a fairly sharp eye and ear out for what dd will be encountering and we discuss those things as they come along to prepare her. But more importantly, I work to set the precedent that seeing someone else's sin accidentally does not condemn her.

 

And honestly, by the age of 7, kids are going to start hearing inappropriate language. Whether it is something that most people consider profanity or whether it happens to be words that a particular family has banned and labeled "bad" (stupid, dumb, butthead...), the kids are going to hear them. If not from other kids, then from passersby, on Grandma's television, or when Cousin Sarah's boyfriend hits his thumb with a hammer. The goal is to teach your kids to respond appropriately when faced with a word or action that you have taught them is wrong. Teach them how not to be so legalistic that they can't handle a preacher referring to "hell" in a sermon. Good choice: come to you and you can talk about it. Bad choice: freaking out, condemning others, and internalizing unfounded guilt. We're supposed to be training our kids to go out there with the full armour of God, not quaking in their shoes should they stumble across someone else's sin. No, a 7yo may not be fully capable of this yet, but it shouldn't cause them to have a meltdown either.

 

Let me stop right here and reiterate that I am talking about age appropriate issues. I'm not advocating pushing things on children when they are too young to mentally or emotionally cope.

 

However, at some point our children are going to realize that other people lie, and some of their innocence is lost. One day they are going to come across a person who is cruel for no apparent reason, and more innocence goes. At some point it is likely that they will have to deal with the loss of someone close to them, and more innocence leaves... Someday they will come to realize that fairy tales are fiction, that a $1.00 toy costs more than a dollar when you add on tax, that many of the people around them do not share their religious beliefs and practices. This loss of innocence is part of growing up. To try to keep them living in LaLa Land where none of these things happen is to do them a terrible disservice.

 

The fact is, we Christians believe we live in a fallen world where sin has entered in. IMO, children need to be sheltered when they are very young, but gradually exposed to more and more of the world in which they will have to take up residence, until they reach the point of being familiar enough with how to deal with things that they are able to live in it. The Bible tells us to be wise as serpents. If our children never mature, never lose their innocence, then they will never be able to obey this directive.

Edited December 15, 2009 by hillfarm

[Renee in NC]

"I'm still in shock and horrified. I feel like my boys have lost their innocence. I don't mean to sound dramatic but I really do."...OP

 

Several posters have mentioned something about their children losing their innocence. IMO, innocence is great when it is age and developmentally appropriate. But the opposite of innocence is experience, which although not always comfortable, is generally unavoidable as we move through life. The fact is that our children are losing bits of their innocence every day. And there is nothing that we can do to stop this natural process. It will happen despite our best efforts. Therefore I encourage teaching them how to deal with it properly rather than fighting the impossible battle of trying to insulate them from everything we deem wrong. I try to keep a fairly sharp eye and ear out for what dd will be encountering and we discuss those things as they come along to perpare her. But more importantly, I work to set the precedent that seeing someone else's sin accidentally does not condemn her.

 

And honestly, by the age of 7, kids are going to start hearing inappropriate language. Whether it is something that most people consider profanity or whether it happens to be words that a particular family has banned and labeled "bad" (stupid, dumb, butthead...), the kids are going to hear them. If not from other kids, then from passersby, on Grandma's television, or when Cousin Sarah's boyfriend hits his thumb with a hammer. The goal is to teach your kids to respond appropriately when faced with a word or action that you have taught them is wrong. Teach them how not to be so legalistic that they can't handle a preacher referring to "hell" in a sermon. Good choice: come to you and you can talk about it. Bad choice: freaking out, condemning others, and internalizing unfounded guilt. We're supposed to be training our kids to go out there with the full armour of God, not quaking in their shoes should they stumble across someone else's sin. No, a 7yo may not be fully capable of this yet, but it shouldn't cause them to have a meltdown either.

 

Let me stop right here and reiterate that I am talking about age appropriate issues. I'm not advocating pushing things on children when they are too young to mentally or emotionally cope.

 

However, at some point our children are going to realize that other people lie, and some of their innocence is lost. One day they are going to come across a person who is cruel for no apparent reason, and more innocence goes. At some point it is likely that they will have to deal with the loss of someone close to them, and more innocence leaves... Someday they will come to realize that fairy tales are fiction, that a $1.00 toy costs more than a dollar when you add on tax, that many of the people around them do not share their religious beliefs and practices. This loss of innocence is part of growing up. To try to keep them living in LaLa Land where none of these things happen is to do them a terrible disservice.

 

The fact is, we Christians believe we live in a fallen world where sin has entered in. IMO, children need to be sheltered when they are very young, but gradually exposed to more and more of the world in which they will have to take up residence, until they reach the point of being familiar enough with how to deal with things that they are able to live in it. The Bible tells us to be wise as serpents. If our children never mature, never lose their innocence, then they will never be able to obey this directive.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Renai]

But a bunch of drama from you...

 

may also have the effect of not wanting to share anything else with you for fear of the reaction.

 

I've done that before, so I've been in your shoes. When I realized how I overreacted and the effect it had on dd, I apologized. I don't want her afraid to tell me anything. I told her I was sorry for my reaction- it had nothing to do with her, it just surprised me. Then we talked about the actual situation. She's now 10 and will still tell me anything because she knows I won't react towards her. Even if my immediate response is, "I need to think about that one," I've learned how not to react.

[Renai]

Bill (who hope this sounds gentle)

 

Um. No. Well, maybe for you...;)

[bkpan]

OK. In your situation I would be aggrieved. Not happy. And the father of those boys and I would be having a very full conversation about what transpired.

 

That said, your behavior is the biggest problem here. Really you need to get a grip. The innocence of your children isn't stripped away and lost forever because they heard some dumb kid use the f-word.

 

But they will live in a very weird, unhealthy, and psychologically damaging environment if their mother behaves hysterically, and her children carry a burden of great shame.

 

Newsflash! Many children have heard the f-word at 7 and still grow up to be decent and loving human beings.

 

The best way to comfort your children would be to "move on." Life back to normal. But a bunch of drama from you will only screw with their heads (more than you already have). Because you didn't handle this parenting task very well at all. Your response was completely immature, overly-dramatic and ultimately very selfish. Time spent thinking about how to be a more mature parent to your children might be time well spent.

 

Tomorrow, make breakfast with a smile and be back to being Mom like she was a week ago (even if you have to fake it), and that would be the best thing you can do for your children.

 

They have done nothing wrong (and have in fact been exemplary in their behavior, and you should be nothing but proud of them). And they heard some words whose meaning they don't understand.

 

Don't make it worse than it is.

 

Bill (who hope this sounds gentle)

 

:iagree: Yep, exactly what he said.

[prairie rose]

I agree with the others that your reaction is as much of the problem as the language they heard. How you've managed to shelter them thus far is beyond me. Have you never come across a group of rowdy teenagers using foul language at the store or overheard an angry argument in public? If not, I'd say you are extremely lucky. At 6yo, most kids know a "bad word" when they hear one and can even make a pretty good guess whether or not a new-to-them word is kosher or not.

 

Another point that I haven't seen already made is that you spoke of these people being "Christian" and members of a "Christian homeschool group". I think it is pretty naive to think that Christian is synonymous with virtuous. Not all people who call themselves Christians hold the same values and virtues as you just as not all "non-Christians" lack values and virtues that many Christians hold dear. Also, being a member of a Christian homeschool group does not indicate that they are Christian. We are not Christians but have been members of various Christian homeschool groups, even ones that required statements of faith, because it was the only option available to us to effectively network with other homeschoolers. Many members of these groups just assumed that we were Christians and were shocked to find out later that we were not. We just seemed so "normal and Christian" to them. Whatever that means. :huh:

 

As to the post count issue, I think you might have misunderstood what was meant. I don't think she meant that you shouldn't be taken seriously just that you haven't been here long or don't post often so we have no idea whether or not you were just having an off day that day or if you are always that dramatic. We don't know anything about your life situation (are there additional family stresses that have you understandably emotionally spent and this incident was the last straw?) The same could be said for me, even though I've been around these boards since 2000, my post count is low because I don't post often. I can completely understand that, without a ton of background info in my post, many people here could not possibly fully understand my situation or know whether or not my actions or attitudes were normal for me.

 

The hive is normally wise and a strong voice of reason but it rarely sugar coats. If you post questions and concerns here, you have to be prepared for people to give their full, unapologetic opinions which may or may not sit well with you.

[Jenny in Atl]

I remember as a kid yelling "swear" words in my driveway with a friend. I think we were 6 or 7. My bff had heard her older brother (15) using them. Mind you, we were yelling, only because my driveway went under our house, and the rock walls had a very cool echo.

 

Anyway, my mother calmly came out and asked us to stop. She then asked if we knew what the words meant. When neither of us could come up with a definition to any of the words we were yelling, she said that it might be a good idea for us to stop, since some words can hurt others (through feelings & such). We were both pretty sad that saying something might hurt another, so we stopped. She had given us the example of the ninety year-old woman living next to us.

 

Now with boys, this explanation might not fly. But, it was how my mom handled it that I remember most, much more than what she said.

[stripe]

I know some 5 and 6 year olds who cried when someone said "the s word." Finally I figured out that the "s" word was.... shut up.

 

So there are different sorts of people.

 

I would not be concerned that your boys have "lost their innocence" because they just heard words, and didn't really understand what they meant. I don't think that's losing one's innocence. (If you hear swearing in Chinese and don't understand it, are you corrupted?) I think you do need to make clear that this is not acceptable to you, move on, and steer clear of the boys in the future.

[homeschoolally]

I think it is a good idea to let the mom know, if anything you might prevent it from happening to the next unsuspecting family who goes to visit--if the kids are punished they may not try it again.

 

I also don't find it that unusual for children to get to that age without hearing swear words. As homeschoolers, we have much greater control over who and what our kids are exposed to. Among the families in our homeschooling circle of friends, we've managed to make it into the double digits without hearing any of the big offenders. We actually had a discussion about this recently.

Edited December 16, 2009 by homeschoolally

[stripe]

I also don't find it that unusual for children to get to that age without hearing swear words.

And some kids just pay attention more than others -- I was recently getting my son's hair cut, and some other customers started on a curse-filled rant. Apparently I was the only one who heard their foul language!

[Caribbean Queen]

Like they feel dirty or something...ywim?

...I feel so bad that there hearts are hurting for knowing these things and they keep saying they are trying to forget but can't.

Please help...

 

 

 

:chillpill: