Why are some little girls so mean and what do you do as a mom to protrect your dd

[lynn]

My first experience with mean girls was last year when dd was barely 3 at tumbling class one little girl would not let my dd sit down she'd scoot her fanny over just far enough that my dd could not sit down and the instructor was working with other girls and did not see this. My dd just stood there and waited for her turn to come up again. Then the other day we were at Chick Filet playing in the play place and she saw a neighbor girl who is 2 years older than dd and sometimes talks to dd and sometimes not, not playing with anyone else in the play place and her first words to my dd "you better not follow me" broke my heart but dd just went on to do her own thing and was content so I waited to see if she would bring it up. I had my share of mean girls in my life and understood early that that's just how it is no matter how ugly it is. What do you do as a mom, except be there when their feelings get hurt.

[angela in ohio]

Because their mothers are. Sometimes the moms hide it well in public, but if a girl is mean, you can almost bet that mom is mean in the privacy of her own home. I've met women who people rave at the nicest, most wonderful people, but when I meet their daughters and they act ugly, I know it is all an act. The older I get and the more parents and children I know, the more firmly convinced I am that there is only one way to make your child be a certain way, and that is to be it yourself. It works positively and negatively.

 

It sounds like your dd is handling it well. Just as mean girls learn it from their moms, so do girls who brush it off and don't let it bother them. :001_smile: So you must already be doing a good job of modeling for her. I generally make a quick comment soon afterwards when we are alone to give dd a clue as to what I think the appropriate response is ("Boy, that was rude. She must have a rough home life. I'm glad you didn't stoop to her level. We'll pray for her." etc.) The best thing to do is just to remind dd that it is not about her, it is a problem the other person has in them.

[Guest janainaz]

I'm very outspoken to little children or their mommies when they are being mean. I have zero tolerance for my kids if they are not nice (and this is why they are sweet to other kids). When my kids are playing anywhere, I am on the lookout for the kid that might be left out and I will intentionally pull my kid(s) aside and ask that they make the effort to include that child. So, if I run into a little kid that is being mean, I will make very clear that it is not ok to the child and I will go track down that parent and let them know what the little monster is up to.

 

I can't help but to hold a parent responsible. I watch my kids play. I listen to what they are saying and I observe what is going on. I don't stick them in the play place and go do my thing. It irks me. I'm more of a reserved kind of person, but I come right out of my shell when it comes to that. Parents need to tune in and pay attention! If my kid is acting like a brat, I'm going to be the first one to know about it and nip it in the butt.

[elizabeth]

Because their mothers are. Sometimes the moms hide it well in public, but if a girl is mean, you can almost bet that mom is mean in the privacy of her own home. I've met women who people rave at the nicest, most wonderful people, but when I meet their daughters and they act ugly, I know it is all an act. The older I get and the more parents and children I know, the more firmly convinced I am that there is only one way to make your child be a certain way, and that is to be it yourself. It works positively and negatively.

 

It sounds like your dd is handling it well. Just as mean girls learn it from their moms, so do girls who brush it off and don't let it bother them. :001_smile: So you must already be doing a good job of modeling for her. I generally make a quick comment soon afterwards when we are alone to give dd a clue as to what I think the appropriate response is ("Boy, that was rude. She must have a rough home life. I'm glad you didn't stoop to her level. We'll pray for her." etc.) The best thing to do is just to remind dd that it is not about her, it is a problem the other person has in them.

Sadly this is seemingly all too true. I have seen this so many times...children do learn by imitation. Mean girls are younger and younger it seems. I have seen toddlers act in such a way that is so glib, calculated and manipulative that I was embarrassed for the parents until I realized they were condoning, modeling and reinforcing the horrible behaviour.

[MeaganS]

I'm not sure why, but this happened to my daughter the other day, and she's only 15 months! She doesn't really pay attention to other children yet and mostly plays by herself or with us. There was a little girl who was maybe 19 months old at the park too, and she came up to my dd and pushed her over. My dd fell on her bum, but that wasn't enough. The little girl then tried to push her all the way down (her head on the ground) but we stopped her first.

 

And they say school's the only place where kids can learn how to put up with bullies.

[at the beach]

Because their mothers are. Sometimes the moms hide it well in public, but if a girl is mean, you can almost bet that mom is mean in the privacy of her own home. I've met women who people rave at the nicest, most wonderful people, but when I meet their daughters and they act ugly, I know it is all an act. The older I get and the more parents and children I know, the more firmly convinced I am that there is only one way to make your child be a certain way, and that is to be it yourself. It works positively and negatively.

 

It sounds like your dd is handling it well. Just as mean girls learn it from their moms, so do girls who brush it off and don't let it bother them. :001_smile: So you must already be doing a good job of modeling for her. I generally make a quick comment soon afterwards when we are alone to give dd a clue as to what I think the appropriate response is ("Boy, that was rude. She must have a rough home life. I'm glad you didn't stoop to her level. We'll pray for her." etc.) The best thing to do is just to remind dd that it is not about her, it is a problem the other person has in them.

 

Thank you for saying this. I completely agree.

[NorthwestMom]

I intervene. Sometimes kids need to receive direct instruction in social skills, and sometimes kids need immediate feedback that what they said was insensitive.

 

In the first situation, I'd go to DD and say, "DD, please say excuse me so this girl will know you need some room to sit down!" in a positive voice. If the girl didn't move or refused, I'd tell her "Move over, please." I have found that most young kids respond to an authoritative adult, whether that particular adult is in charge or not.

 

In the second situation, I'd pull the neighbor girl aside and say, "Neighbor, that was a pretty mean thing to say to DD. I bet that hurt her feelings. What do you think about that?" If she respond with something about not wanting to play with DD, I'd say something like, "Ok, that's fair, but how could you say it so it won't hurt her feelings? Maybe say 'I want to be alone right now.' instead of 'You better not follow me'." You might make an impression, you might not, but your DD saw you model how that interaction should be handled.

 

Many mean girls have mean moms, but every child is born with their own temperament and sometimes perfectly sweet parents have no idea how to handle a child with a personality different than their own. It's really no different than biters. Lots of toddlers bite, that doesn't mean their moms are secretly modeling biting in the privacy of their own homes. :lol:

Edited November 16, 2009 by NorthwestMom
added "no" for clarity about biters

[justamouse]

I open my mouth. Or I would say something like, "You allow her to be so physically aggressive to other children?"

 

Burns my chaps, that does.

[i.love.lucy]

Many mean girls have mean moms, but every child is born with their own temperament and sometimes perfectly sweet parents have no idea how to handle a child with a personality different than their own.

:iagree: A girl that my dd thought was one of her good friends (somehow never was a BFF and now I know why) decided to be very, very mean to my dd. She embarrassed her at Girl Scouts, was rude, told my dd to leave her alone and that "they weren't friends anymore". They are 9. This was preceded by a couple of smaller "mean" episodes this summer that we tried to brush off. This time my dd was quite hurt and as the girl's mom was not there, I told her about it. I have been able to sense that she has sought out my dd as a friend for her's for a long time and that should have been my red flag. The mom is very nice and trying really hard to create in her dd some nicer qualities and some discernment in friendships. Unfortunately her dd likes the "cool" girls which often leads to emulating bad behavior. She was hoping my dd (and one other Girl Scout - who happens to be my dd's BFF) would rub off on hers.

 

I didn't want to be one of those *tattlers*, but honestly if my kid had behaved the way hers did, I would want to know about it. Ultimately my dd is better off, she is no longer hurt, but actually feels sorry for this girl that she is chasing the wrong types of friends.

 

It's been a great teachable moment for us about discernment, and keeping your heart - being careful who you give it to.

 

It's not always that the mom is mean, kids have their own sense of what makes them feel powerful and in control. I think it's often when they can't act out at all at home, they are meaner to other kids.:glare:

[abbeyej]

Hm. While I don't necessarily disagree with anything that PPs have said, I focus more on teaching dd that sometimes you just have to have a "water off a duck's back" attitude. There may be times when I need to step in as a mom (and believe me, I can turn Mama Bear with the best of them!), but there are other times when dd needs to learn to stand up for herself in a calm but firm manner, and still other times when simply shrugging and moving on is appropriate. I would place the first example you cite sort of between the second two of those: she could practice saying, "Excuse me, I need a place to sit too" and squeeze herself in, or she could simply ignore the rude girl taking up her spot and pretend she doesn't notice. Either way, she takes the power away from the rude girl. In the example with the neighbor girl, I stand firmly in favor of shrugging off the insult and moving on.

 

I think it does more harm than good for children (girls especially) to take up the attitude of "She was *mean* to me! Someone needs to *fix*it* for me!"... Maybe there are a few times when that's appropriate -- surely there are! But most of the time, learning how to let such interactions go is going to be far more valuable to my child than her sense of victimhood or righteous indignation.

 

And not showing a reaction steals the power from the mean girls. They tried their little tricks and failed. That's more satisfying than much else I can think of. ;)

[angela in ohio]

Unfortunately her dd likes the "cool" girls which often leads to emulating bad behavior. She was hoping my dd (and one other Girl Scout - who happens to be my dd's BFF) would rub off on hers.

 

 

Her mother is communicating to her dd that who you are is about what friends you have, though. She and dd just have different ideas about who dd should be. ;) I know several women like this (that think that being around the right kids will "rub off" on their dd,) and the dd always seem to end up being people chasers. They get it honestly, even though they may be chasing different friends than mom wanted.

[Danestress]

Her mother is communicating to her dd that who you are is about what friends you have, though.

 

“Whoever walks with wise people will be wise, but whoever associates with fools will suffer.†Proverbs 13:20.

 

I understand what you are saying, but it doesn't seem altogether bad for a mother to want her children to cultivate friends who are descent people, as long as she is also training her children's own hearts and not just hoping that the other kids will 'rub off.'

[Imprimis]

In the example with the neighbor girl, I stand firmly in favor of shrugging off the insult and moving on.

 

I think it does more harm than good for children (girls especially) to take up the attitude of "She was *mean* to me! Someone needs to *fix*it* for me!"... Maybe there are a few times when that's appropriate -- surely there are! But most of the time, learning how to let such interactions go is going to be far more valuable to my child than her sense of victimhood or righteous indignation.

 

And not showing a reaction steals the power from the mean girls. They tried their little tricks and failed. That's more satisfying than much else I can think of. ;)

 

I agree with most of this. It goes along with my belief (and one that I teach my children) that we really can't control another's behavior, but we can control our reaction to it.

 

Of course, as a mom, it saddens me when my children are treated rudely (or perceive they are) by another, but I want my kids to understand that they can't take every rude comment personally. Perhaps the other kid is just having a bad day, maybe she's upset about something, or, maybe someone else was mean to her (domino effect....). Anyway, I do tell my kids to try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt; it's possible the other child wasn't intentionally trying to hurt feelings.

 

I realize there are times when an adult needs to step in, but I truly believe, in many situations like this, the best thing to do is move on.

[Blessedfamily]

How do I deal with girls being mean to my dd? I teach her to speak up for herself. If that really isn't in your dd's nature, then teach her to let it roll off her back as much as possible, I guess.

 

My DD used to get bossed around a lot because she's the youngest in her circle. The other day, some friends asked her over to their yard while DH and I were outside with DD and the baby. We heard DD (5yo) say from their yard, "I have to much confidence to let you boss me around!" DH was going to stop her, but I told him to let them work it out.

 

Later, I asked DD about it. She said one girl told her she was too little to do what they were doing, and that she (dd) couldn't play. DD then said she had "too much confidence to be bossed around".

 

I asked DD what the girl said then, and she said the girl asked, "What's confidence mean?" DD answered, "It means I'm willing to try!"

 

If they are still mean, come on home and play with your own stuff. Life goes on.

[kalanamak]

:iagree:

 

I don't have a daughter, but because my son is in ballet three days a week I spend a lot of time with girls and their moms. Nasty girl often = nasty mom. :glare:

 

I knew a girl who was nice until she fell in with peers. Mom was nice and was sick over it and was quite firm with daughter whenever she caught them. Peer pressure can change some girls, but at 3 I have certainly seen some queen bees already.

 

There was a huge contingent of mean girls when I was growing up. Ran around with the male jocks. I bumped into several of them during my 19-25 years. Most were terribly polite and could barely meet my gaze, they were so ashamed of having spat on me and screamed REEEEEEtard, shouted pig farmer's daughter etc. when they were 10. A few just pretended I wasn't there, and looked like angry, snobby girls, still. I think some girls pick it up because they are too terrified of getting the treatment I got.

[MeaganS]

This article may be of interest:

http://byunews.byu.edu/archive05-May-mean.aspx

[grace'smom]

My daughter has always been really sweet at home, but when she gets around other children she used to close up and withdraw, refusing to speak or look them in the eye. A lot of those children felt rejected and upset when she behaved that way. But I couldn't make her speak, and I could see that she was suffering b/c she just didn't know how to interact. I agree that some of this runs in the family- I am introverted and very nervous when I meet new people, hence so is she...

 

So many, many children used to make fun of my daughter "why can't she talk? she won't talk" giggle, giggle... Broke my heart. But when she cried on my shoulder I would say "well, they don't know what they are missing because you are quite a special girl and they would have had fun with you. It's too bad they'll miss out on you!" And then we would discuss that they may have been having a bad day, and everyone is grumpy sometimes (discuss last time each of us was grumpy, etc).

 

When I put her in a special preschool for her developmental delays she got comfortable around other kids but I started seeing a bit of Lord Of the Flies behavior. Not a lot, but she definitely knew who the queen bees were and she followed them around like a lost puppy. Even though they were mean and rejecting of her. She would come home and say things like "you're not my mommy because you didn't insert whatever she wanted at the time here." I definitely think that if we'd put her in public school she would have followed whoever instead of what we try to teach her at home. Some kids are more prone to following... We're definitely home schooling.

[katemary63]

Years ago I moved to a new house and met the woman next door. I tried to say Hi and that I was new, introduce myself etc., and she just scowled at me and walked away. Over the next few months she yelled at my children and gave me more evil looks then I had ever received in my life! She NEVER actually spoke to me even though I would try to speek to her. It was WEIRD! She was only about 35 but looked 50 and acted liked she hated even the air that she breathed. I pondered her situation and what could possibly make some one so bitter for months. Then one day a car pulled up and I happened to be outside in my front yard. The woman who got out of the car looked EXACTLY like my hatefull neighbor, scowl and all, but 20 years older. It was her mother. Hmmmmm Maybe a look into the future for some of these girls. Thank goodness my mother is usually making someone else smile!

[tex-mex]

OTOH, I've known kind sweet moms who have had manipulative daughters and be at a loss of what to do with them. In my experience, the family did not know how to set boundaries and discipline the child. The child ruled the roost, so to speak. Sometimes they played both mom and dad, sometimes dad enpowered the daughter, and sometimes they were bratty (passive-aggressive) outside the home. As a teacher, it was many a Parent-Teacher conference to deal with "girl" problems like fighting, hurt feelings, and boy crazy-ness. *Sigh* I'm kinda glad I have a son. LOL ;)

[Hedgehogs4]

Because their mothers are. Sometimes the moms hide it well in public, but if a girl is mean, you can almost bet that mom is mean in the privacy of her own home. I've met women who people rave at the nicest, most wonderful people, but when I meet their daughters and they act ugly, I know it is all an act. The older I get and the more parents and children I know, the more firmly convinced I am that there is only one way to make your child be a certain way, and that is to be it yourself. It works positively and negatively.

:iagree: very, very well said.

 

my daughter is so different from me, BUT i am still the authority in the house and it is still my responsibility to teach kindness and respect for other people regardless of her nature, similar or different from me.

[Miss Sherry]

I don't agree with the posts saying that mean little girls equals a mean Mom. There can be several girls in one family, all with the same Mom, with each girl having their own unique qualities and bents. If you think if a child is mean than automatically you have judged the Mom as being mean, how far do you carry that idea ? An adult in prison because of a crime they committed equals a Mom that had the same criminal bent ? How do you explain it if that same Mom also had another child who grew up to start a successful charitable foundation and contributed to easing the suffering of thousands ?

[grace'smom]

I don't agree with the posts saying that mean little girls equals a mean Mom. There can be several girls in one family, all with the same Mom, with each girl having their own unique qualities and bents. If you think if a child is mean than automatically you have judged the Mom as being mean, how far do you carry that idea ? An adult in prison because of a crime they committed equals a Mom that had the same criminal bent ? How do you explain it if that same Mom also had another child who grew up to start a successful charitable foundation and contributed to easing the suffering of thousands ?

 

I've heard at many child development conferences the following phrase "Good parents can end up with bad children, but bad parents never end up with good children." Don't know how often that pans out, but I figure bad parents can't have children that aren't somewhat emotionally scarred at the very least. And sometimes the reason kids are mean is actually because their parents are so nice they are unable to set proper boundaries, allowing their children to rule the roost. So, no, I do not agree that if the child is mean then mother is too- maybe that might be correct in many situations, but not all. I've seen just as many situations where the mom is letting the little girl boss her around like a servant because she's too nice/submissive to keep her in line.

 

But I also know that my daughter is shy and comes across wrong sometimes because of it, just like me... Some aspects of temperment are genetic.

[angela in ohio]

So' date=' no, I do not agree that if the child is mean then mother is too- maybe that might be correct in [i']many[/i] situations, but not all. I've seen just as many situations where the mom is letting the little girl boss her around like a servant because she's too nice/submissive to keep her in line.

 

And that's what PP and I have said: "many," "almost," etc. No one said that every single mean girl is the result of a mean mother. It just happens in many, many cases. I could pick out an exception to almost any rule.

 

I do disagree with the thought that good kids never come from bad families. So does research, actually. It has been shown that a child in a bad situation, with one interested, involved adult from outside the home taking interest in them, can overcome and turn out well. I actually know many people like that. It could be a local pastor, a neighbor, a coach or teacher, etc.

 

But then I tend to disagree with much of the child development material I read. That's part of the reason I homeschool. :001_smile:

 

As to the other examples, like I said, sometimes moms seem great, and it seems to be a mystery why their dd are so mean. But then sometimes you get close enough to the mother that she turns on you, or you get to see her turn on someone else. Then you see where it comes from. ;) It could also come from an excessive amount of time with other girls who are like that. But I do think it is learned behavior, not like biting. Children may be born selfish and take toys or something like that, but they generally don't do excluding and picking on unless they learn it.

[unsinkable]

The worst is when the mom condones it but blames the other girl...like "My dd can't be friends with everyone! She's just so popular! Your dd needs to be less sensitive. She'll find her own friends some day."

 

This was about 4 year olds!

[SquirrellyMama]

It's not always that the mom is mean, kids have their own sense of what makes them feel powerful and in control.

 

:iagree:

 

I think you can expect every girl to be mean at some point in their life. I'm not saying they will be for long or even more than one episode. I was a really nice kid. I had friends ask me why I was willing to be friends with everyone BUT I had some episodes in my life where I was extremely mean. Probably after someone had been mean to me and I wanted to have control over a situation or person.

 

I tell my kids if people are mean to them to never tell the other person that they hurt their feelings because it will just bring on more. I tell them to either ignore it or go up to the person and in a very firm voice tell them "Do not do that ever again".

 

I think it is also good to try and figure out what is happening with the other kid. My dd had a problem with a friend of a friend. They are all around the same age but one girl did not like my dd and would say things to the other girl. I told my dd that it is sometimes hard when two friends all of a sudden have another girl in their space. The girl who was the friend first can feel threatened and hurt. We had to work around that.

 

Sometime working around that means we don't associate with the other girl. We stay out of the situation and make sure the girls are not all together at the same time.

[the4Rs]

I tell my daughter to use a calm firm voice when talking with someone mean to her. The other day in Tumbling/trampline she was bumped from behind and accidently sent her flying into the girl in front of her. The girl in front of her turned around and stomped down hard on my daughter's bare foot and said "How did that feel?" It threw my daughter out of sorts for the rest of the time. On the way home I said that she needed to tell the girl is was an accident. That she was bumped first and to tell the girl "Please do not stomp on my foot."

 

I told her she needs to stick up for herself. Don't let people walk all over you. That does not mean she is allowed to be mean back but to assert her god-given right to protect herself. I just told her some girls are little bullies and she has to learn how to deal with them on her own because Mommy won't always be around to help.

 

My brother was beat up really bad by a gang when he was in junior high and my dad and one of his friends got a bat and cornered one of the higher up gang members and threatened to beat the living day lights out of him and any of his friends if they ever messed with my family again. Never touched the boy but that gang never bothered any of us ever again. A parent does need to step in if the safety of a child is compromised but from the sounds of what you are dealing with it is simple childhood meanies. Teach her to stand up for herself.

[Tracey in TX]

Mean Girls happen. Often times it is a reflection on the mom, but part of it is truly their nature. Not all girls are mean. Not all means girls have mean moms, and some mean moms have sweet girls.

The best you can do is to prepare your DD to handle nasty behavior and know it isn't a reflection on who SHE is, but the over-inflated sense of self-importance for the other girl. Having three daughters, we've seen a lot of girl garbage. The most sensitive DDs will be hurt. At the risk of sounding harsh, you either teach DD to let the comments/behavior roll off her back or she will be hurt. You can't control other kids' actions, but you can help navigate through a lifetime of girl garbage. (Let's be honest, we've probably all dealt with grown women who are, um, less than desirable to be around..)

 

My oldest DD, 12, has had more than her share of mean girl experiences. It was a result of *twelve moms* who wanted their dds to be popular. They created a fifedom to ensure both daughters and moms were popular (seriously! LOL), and wouldn't allow girls to associate with others outside of their group. This lasted from kindergarten-6th grade. We left school in 4th grade and have been told it's only gotten worse as puberty has kicked in. The point of this story is that we've used examples of this behavior to discuss what friends are, and what they aren't. Being popular is really fun, but it can be fleeting. A true friend will stay with you through mean comments, zits, boyfriends, and bad outfits. A fair-weather friend will ditch you when it's not convenient or self-serving any longer.

 

Mean girl is practically a syndrome now, and isn't going away anytime soon. Best we can do is take a negative and make it a learning experience and give our daughters the tools to combat future situations.

[cassiemc]

Yes, mean children happen, but parents should stop it. It's not a childhood rite to be rude or hurtful. It's not just children being children. This is not something to overlook. If you know your child is being rude to someone you need to do something about it. I just don't get why a child would think it's ok to intentionally hurt someone, but many do. It's just plain horrible.

 

I would want to know if my child was behaving like this and I often tell my kids that I don't know why that child is being mean, but it's not nice and we don't behave like that. I don't allow name calling or hitting in my home and I certainly don't allow it out of the home. I have removed my children from situations where other kids aren't being nice. They aren't there for someone to be rude to them.

 

The world would be a better place if parents would teach/model that we are nice to all people. I know it's possible.

[KidsHappen]

Hm. While I don't necessarily disagree with anything that PPs have said, I focus more on teaching dd that sometimes you just have to have a "water off a duck's back" attitude. There may be times when I need to step in as a mom (and believe me, I can turn Mama Bear with the best of them!), but there are other times when dd needs to learn to stand up for herself in a calm but firm manner, and still other times when simply shrugging and moving on is appropriate. I would place the first example you cite sort of between the second two of those: she could practice saying, "Excuse me, I need a place to sit too" and squeeze herself in, or she could simply ignore the rude girl taking up her spot and pretend she doesn't notice. Either way, she takes the power away from the rude girl. In the example with the neighbor girl, I stand firmly in favor of shrugging off the insult and moving on.

 

I think it does more harm than good for children (girls especially) to take up the attitude of "She was *mean* to me! Someone needs to *fix*it* for me!"... Maybe there are a few times when that's appropriate -- surely there are! But most of the time, learning how to let such interactions go is going to be far more valuable to my child than her sense of victimhood or righteous indignation.

 

And not showing a reaction steals the power from the mean girls. They tried their little tricks and failed. That's more satisfying than much else I can think of. ;)

 

For the most part, I agree with Abbey here. I definitely do not believe that most mean girls learn their behavior from their mothers. To a certain extent, it is innate like introvertism and extrovertism but also a behavior that they learn from their peers, frequnetly for the purpose of self-pretection, if you ask me. Unfortunately, it takes a strong girls to stand up in the face of means girls and even rarer ones to do it with grace.

[mom2denj]

I do agree with this, but I also have found that there are some really nice people who have mean children because of the fact that the parent is SO nice. They do not discipline thier children, instead they just say things like "play nice" or "Honey be nice" and just let them go on ahead with what they were doing. The child needs to be pulled away and set in time out or taken away from the play time altogether.

Because their mothers are. Sometimes the moms hide it well in public, but if a girl is mean, you can almost bet that mom is mean in the privacy of her own home. I've met women who people rave at the nicest, most wonderful people, but when I meet their daughters and they act ugly, I know it is all an act. The older I get and the more parents and children I know, the more firmly convinced I am that there is only one way to make your child be a certain way, and that is to be it yourself. It works positively and negatively.

 

It sounds like your dd is handling it well. Just as mean girls learn it from their moms, so do girls who brush it off and don't let it bother them. :001_smile: So you must already be doing a good job of modeling for her. I generally make a quick comment soon afterwards when we are alone to give dd a clue as to what I think the appropriate response is ("Boy, that was rude. She must have a rough home life. I'm glad you didn't stoop to her level. We'll pray for her." etc.) The best thing to do is just to remind dd that it is not about her, it is a problem the other person has in them.

[angela in ohio]

I can see that point too. I just call that bratty. ;)

 

Ditto. I think that is different than the girl stuff.

[abbeyej]

...The older I get and the more parents and children I know, the more firmly convinced I am that there is only one way to make your child be a certain way, and that is to be it yourself. It works positively and negatively...

 

Wow, and I'm finding I believe this less and less. Some children are just themselves, and they turn out as they're going to regardless of parenting. And as you say, that "works positively and negatively". Some children turn out to be really lovely people in spite of really awful parenting. And some children turn out very badly despite loving, gentle, consistent parenting by genuinely good people.

 

Maybe we're talking past each other, because I'm not necessarily talking about "mean girls". I don't have a whole lot of interest in "mean girls" besides doing my best to prevent my own dd from becoming one or engaging them in their games.

 

But I heartily disagree that children will always turn out just as their parents have modeled.

 

(On the other hand, I think modeling loving and gentle behavior, hard work, self-sacrifice, kindness, charity, humility, etc, to the best of our ability is very important in raising our children, and I'm hardly going to give up on doing my best to raise my children well just because I believe that ultimately they are each their own person in spite of my mistakes and successes...)

 

I've just seen too many great kids come from less than stellar homes with less than mediocre models in that home. And too many bad outcomes from otherwise wonderful homes with otherwise wonderful kids...

[Elizabeth Conley]

My first experience with mean girls was last year when dd was barely 3 at tumbling class one little girl would not let my dd sit down she'd scoot her fanny over just far enough that my dd could not sit down and the instructor was working with other girls and did not see this. My dd just stood there and waited for her turn to come up again. Then the other day we were at Chick Filet playing in the play place and she saw a neighbor girl who is 2 years older than dd and sometimes talks to dd and sometimes not, not playing with anyone else in the play place and her first words to my dd "you better not follow me" broke my heart but dd just went on to do her own thing and was content so I waited to see if she would bring it up. I had my share of mean girls in my life and understood early that that's just how it is no matter how ugly it is. What do you do as a mom, except be there when their feelings get hurt.

 

Everywhere I've ever gone there have been people like this. Your daughter just went on to do her own thing. This shows impressive grace and maturity.

 

If we raise our daughters to be confident in their own worth, they'll be able to ignore these people's misbehavior and seek healthy relationships for themselves. It's the best way.

 

There are vast volumes written about why people are mean. These books represent a monumental waste of paper and ink. Meanness is moral failure. Why make a study of failure when your goal is success? Rather, study success.

 

Raise your daughters to properly value themselves, properly value others and appreciate the worth of good relationships. Model the right way to interact, and expect them to behave themselves.

 

Your daughter is off to a fine start.

[Stacy in NJ]

Wow, and I'm finding I believe this less and less. Some children are just themselves, and they turn out as they're going to regardless of parenting. And as you say, that "works positively and negatively". Some children turn out to be really lovely people in spite of really awful parenting. And some children turn out very badly despite loving, gentle, consistent parenting by genuinely good people.

 

Maybe we're talking past each other, because I'm not necessarily talking about "mean girls". I don't have a whole lot of interest in "mean girls" besides doing my best to prevent my own dd from becoming one or engaging them in their games.

 

But I heartily disagree that children will always turn out just as their parents have modeled.

 

(On the other hand, I think modeling loving and gentle behavior, hard work, self-sacrifice, kindness, charity, humility, etc, to the best of our ability is very important in raising our children, and I'm hardly going to give up on doing my best to raise my children well just because I believe that ultimately they are each their own person in spite of my mistakes and successes...)

 

I've just seen too many great kids come from less than stellar homes with less than mediocre models in that home. And too many bad outcomes from otherwise wonderful homes with otherwise wonderful kids...

 

Here's a neat article from the Atlantic that discusses genetics, personality and parenting. http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200912/dobbs-orchid-gene

 

 

Here's the intro:

Most of us have genes that make us as hardy as dandelions: able to take root and survive almost anywhere. A few of us, however, are more like the orchid: fragile and fickle, but capable of blooming spectacularly if given greenhouse care. So holds a provocative new theory of genetics, which asserts that the very genes that give us the most trouble as a species, causing behaviors that are self-destructive and antisocial, also underlie humankind’s phenomenal adaptability and evolutionary success. With a bad environment and poor parenting, orchid children can end up depressed, drug-addicted, or in jail—but with the right environment and good parenting, they can grow up to be society’s most creative, successful, and happy people.

[Elizabeth Conley]

Hm. While I don't necessarily disagree with anything that PPs have said, I focus more on teaching dd that sometimes you just have to have a "water off a duck's back" attitude. There may be times when I need to step in as a mom (and believe me, I can turn Mama Bear with the best of them!), but there are other times when dd needs to learn to stand up for herself in a calm but firm manner, and still other times when simply shrugging and moving on is appropriate. I would place the first example you cite sort of between the second two of those: she could practice saying, "Excuse me, I need a place to sit too" and squeeze herself in, or she could simply ignore the rude girl taking up her spot and pretend she doesn't notice. Either way, she takes the power away from the rude girl. In the example with the neighbor girl, I stand firmly in favor of shrugging off the insult and moving on.

 

I think it does more harm than good for children (girls especially) to take up the attitude of "She was *mean* to me! Someone needs to *fix*it* for me!"... Maybe there are a few times when that's appropriate -- surely there are! But most of the time, learning how to let such interactions go is going to be far more valuable to my child than her sense of victimhood or righteous indignation.

 

And not showing a reaction steals the power from the mean girls. They tried their little tricks and failed. That's more satisfying than much else I can think of. ;)

 

Wallowing in constant indignation over real and imagined slights is a huge waste of effort. It can make you ill, and gives way to much power to abusive people. If someone is rude, ignore it. If someone behaves badly on a consistent basis, get away from this person.

 

If a group's dynamics are unwholesome, leave before you become infected with the nastiness. Nastiness can be contagious.

 

If you model these behaviors, your daughter will do the same. It's very empowering, and leaves you both surrounded by great people.

[tarana]

Last Friday afternoon I asked my DD to be friendly to the MEANEST girl in class. I told her maybe she was mean becuase no one talked to her. My DD was nice to this girl & tried to play with her in the evening. Mean girl called my other DD fat butt head because she would not join them. My DD got upset becuase the Mean girl was calling her sister names.

Finally all 3 were punished.

So my DD was "You asked me to be nice to even mean people. See what she got me into!"

Other-DD was "It is best to stay way from mean girls! They don't change easily"

[Miss Sherry]

Wow, and I'm finding I believe this less and less. Some children are just themselves, and they turn out as they're going to regardless of parenting. And as you say, that "works positively and negatively". Some children turn out to be really lovely people in spite of really awful parenting. And some children turn out very badly despite loving, gentle, consistent parenting by genuinely good people.

 

Maybe we're talking past each other, because I'm not necessarily talking about "mean girls". I don't have a whole lot of interest in "mean girls" besides doing my best to prevent my own dd from becoming one or engaging them in their games.

 

But I heartily disagree that children will always turn out just as their parents have modeled.

 

(On the other hand, I think modeling loving and gentle behavior, hard work, self-sacrifice, kindness, charity, humility, etc, to the best of our ability is very important in raising our children, and I'm hardly going to give up on doing my best to raise my children well just because I believe that ultimately they are each their own person in spite of my mistakes and successes...)

 

I've just seen too many great kids come from less than stellar homes with less than mediocre models in that home. And too many bad outcomes from otherwise wonderful homes with otherwise wonderful kids...

 

I agree with abbeyej. I think too, that it's important that we work hard to be a good model to our children, teaching them to be loving,hard workers,kind, honest, etc. But regardless of how a child is parented they still have their own will and can choose to accept or reject the values they were taught by their parents.

[katilac]

Other-DD was "It is best to stay way from mean girls! They don't change easily"

 

So true, lol!