Dh wants ds9 in school

[WTMCassandra]

GL, Scarlett. :grouphug: I'm w/ Kelli in this camp. I'm up here on my hill w/ my pitchfork & torch. ;) The weather's nice...

 

I'm here too. I clambered up when I understood the situation more fully. :)

 

(((Scarlett)))

[Catwoman]

I'm up here on my hill w/ my pitchfork & torch. ;)

 

Hey Aubrey, where did you get the pitchfork and torch? They look great with your outfit!

 

I wonder if we're scaring poor Scarlett... Militant Moms on a Mission! ;)

 

And I'll bet her ds is no sissy; he's probably just a nice kid!

 

Cat

Edited March 25, 2009 by Catwoman
edited for glaring typos

[WTMCassandra]

And yes ds REALLY needs to spend more time with his Dad. *I* can't fix that though. It is not as if I keep him from his dad. Dh does not make it a priority to do things with ds. That is an issue that ps will not solve.

 

Absolutely. That is the core of the message that needs to be conveyed. How to do it most effectively is a question only you can answer. But I would convey it, if it were me, however I needed to do it, and forcefully if necessary.

[WTMCassandra]

And I'll bet her ds is no sissy; he's probably just a nice kid!

 

:iagree:

[Scarlett]

:iagree:

 

Thank you all so much. I tell ya...you are all a soothing balm to my soul.

[Catwoman]

I truly hope things work out for you, Scarlett! :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Andie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Edited March 25, 2009 by Andie

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Yes....I think this is dh's very real fear.

 

What sort of activities? Right now they are playing a very violent XBox game together. Does that count?

 

Well, off the top of my head,

 

martial arts

 

scouting

 

4-H

 

sports that require going beyond one's comfort level and that build confidence (it depends on the child. I would cheerfully have made sailing part of school in our old home, because it was physically demanding, emotionally challenging and there was an incredible sailing instructor just down the road.)

 

robotics leagues (he's a bit young for the heavy duty robotics, but there is a segment of First Lego League for his age and it is open to all sorts of groups, not just schools, to sponsor teams. There was a very successful group in Hawaii that was from two homeschool groups.)

[ravengal]

If, after I made a reasoned, unemotional case for continuing to homeschool, my husband still wanted one of our dc to enroll in school, I would agree to it. If things didn't work out in public school, dh would see that soon enough. We could always return to homeschooling the following semester, term, or year.

[teamturner]

LOL! Yes, that counts!

 

If your dh is concerned that your ds is turning into a sissy, I can't imagine that sending him to school would solve the problem... but more time with Dad would be a big step in the right direction!

 

Quick question -- does your ds have enough time alone with his dad? I know that I've been guilty of lurking around too much when my dh and ds are together, so I make a conscious effort to give them "guy time" without me, so they can do their "guy stuff" without me being in the way.

 

Cat

 

I'm so sorry! I just want to suggest you ask your dh this question. Who is more likely to help your son become a strong and confident man? Other silly 8 yo boys or him? If it were me I might offer to revisit the public school option once my ds was well on his way to being a mature and "firm in his values" young man. I personally would rather my dc not enter the ps system (and I'd rather they not ever) until high school.

 

My dh was concerned about my boys' social skills when they were 7 yo until he helped in one of their classes at church. Only then did he realize that all the other boys (from various school backgrounds) all acted the same way. Also, to calm his fears about the social stuff I did get involved in a co-op (which we are still in) and we do homeschool P.E. at the Y, martial arts, and various sports. I've noticed that my dc are a little more naive compared to the other non-homeschooled dc we meet, but I am fine with that. They will grow up some day but there's no reason to rush it. My house is the meeting place for all the neighborhood kids and they are learning all kinds of "stuff" :glare:

 

Anyways, your ds is only 8!! I didn't think that boys really started to pull away from their mothers until closer to puberty??

 

Just my 2 cents.

[JennifersLost]

I'll bet more than one of us had a husband that was initially worried about the kids not being tough enough if they homeschool.

 

My dh had a moment like this a few months back. Later that day he came home and said, "You know what? My reaction was entirely fear-based. The truth is I find our boys some of the most interesting people in our whole town. I can have a better conversation with them than most adults around here. I don't care if they're "different" than other kids."

 

I vote with the others. Make a list of macho, social activities your ds can participate in and ask for a year to try it out before re-evaluating.

 

And make sure to spend some alone time with your dh. They do feel like they take the back burner to the kids sometimes.

[Melinda in VT]

Are there any men in the public school? I know ours is almost exclusively female.

[Karen sn]

I'm very sad and I need a hug. My husband is insisting on putting ds9 in school this fall. I had so hoped he would not force the issue, but I think he is going to. The deadline for re-registering for the VA is April 1. I sent him an email and told him that I am going to honor his wish for ds to go to public school but that I'm feeling anxious and concerned and scared. He wrote back this

 

<<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

Has anyone had a similar opinion expressed by their dh and if so how did you respond?

 

I've been crying all morning.

 

Ummmm, ok. I am going to try to not let on how much that pisses me off.

I can not STAND when people say, "She'll need to learn to deal with the real world...."

 

First of all - like the world we live in is fake?

Secondly - children need the tools to deal with a world that is insane and you can't expect them to go out at less than 10 and conquer the world if they haven't been fully prepared. AND by fully prepared, I mean given the safe space at home in which to grow,and understand AND BE SECURE IN their own selves.

 

Is your boy isolated? Does he participate in extra curricular activities when you are not there? Are their neighborhood kids he plays with (at their house)? Do you do anything in a co-op? WHY does your husband feel this way? It sounds like he has a reason - like a few things have have happened recently.

 

And I'm sorry, but does he pay attention to ANY news at all?

Does he want to a)sacrifice your son's education for socialization with heathens and b) have your son under the influence (all day long) of a teacher he knows NOTHING about? Whose main goal in teaching (because of federal law) is to have kids who know how to pass a standardized test.

 

(I use the heathen comment somewhat in jest as I am a heathen - but I couldn't think of a better word - and that's the one my grandmother always used to mean really wild and bad kids whose parents don't make them go to church and so they are out.of.control. And not that I believe that all kids in school are out of control - but you get the point).

 

Perhaps you can be smarter than dh and alleviate his fears when you are not reacting on deep emotions. "Dear, I have been thinking about what you said. You are right. We need X,Y,Z. So I was thinking what can we do to have that. And I have a few ideas I want to run by you......"

 

(Maybe he can join a guy group with your kid - scouts or something. Little league? 4-H? Put it back on HIM. NOT the school. It's not the school's job to raise a strong kid who can deal with society - it is HIS! And the schools OBVIOUSLY don't always do such a good job or we wouldn't hear about it in the news........)

 

Talk to him when you are not emotional.

 

And hugs to you, Scarlett.

[Marylou]

LOL! Yes, that counts!

 

 

Cat

 

I'm sorry I have to really disagree here! Or maybe you were just kidding :001_smile: ? (And it is funny for me to even be replying to this quote b/c I have neither boys nor video games!) From what I've seen, when two people are playing a video game there is close to zero meaningful interaction going on.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I'm sorry I have to really disagree here! Or maybe you were just kidding :001_smile: ? (And it is funny for me to even be replying to this quote b/c I have neither boys nor video games!) From what I've seen, when two people are playing a video game there is close to zero meaningful interaction going on.

 

Have you played many video games? Or perhaps you have a different definition of meaningful. But the interaction is as great or greater than with a board game, depending. Though it could be argued that any game playing is a waste of time for those that eschew amusements in general, and I certainly can start to see that POV.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I'm very sad and I need a hug. My husband is insisting on putting ds9 in school this fall. I had so hoped he would not force the issue, but I think he is going to. The deadline for re-registering for the VA is April 1. I sent him an email and told him that I am going to honor his wish for ds to go to public school but that I'm feeling anxious and concerned and scared. He wrote back this

 

<<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

Has anyone had a similar opinion expressed by their dh and if so how did you respond?

 

I've been crying all morning.

 

I'm really sorry you're sad.

 

I've had differences of opinion with my dh about schooling before, and I guess it boils down to the fact that my dh has an equal say in parenting my children. I hope you can find a happy place in all this.

[BalanceSeeker]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I know your conviction and how it feels to have others tell you homeschooling is the wrong thing to do.

 

Has anyone recommended dh read the book The Socialization Trap or Hold on to Your Kids? Maybe this can be a point of compromise for you two. He reads this, and then you talk.

 

It's unfortunate how our society buys into the idea that kids need to be around other kids the majority of their time in order to be "normal." The truth is that many kids want to identify with and be accepted by who they are with the most. Peer influence can easily rule over parental influence, and that does not always result in the kids merely toughening up.

 

Christa

[Marylou]

Have you played many video games? Or perhaps you have a different definition of meaningful. But the interaction is as great or greater than with a board game, depending. Though it could be argued that any game playing is a waste of time for those that eschew amusements in general, and I certainly can start to see that POV.

 

No, I have not personlly played many video games, and I certainly believe in fun and games, especially doing them as a family. But from what I've observed, video games mostly involve two people sitting side by side, not making eye contact at all, and not talking or discussing anything. (I'm not talking about Wii sports, which I guess isn't considered a video game???) I also don't believe people watching a show or movie together is a great way to get to know the other person. It's just a way to hang out, so to speak.

 

I guess I wrote that b/c I think we may have many fathers whose only father/son time together is playing video games together instead of talking and learning about life one on one. And I am NOT saying this is what the OP's dh does; I don't even know him!

 

I'm sure there are many threads about video games!

[teamturner]

I don't care if they're "different" than other kids."

 

 

This is my point of view too! One time a friend of mine who is a grandmother whose grandkids are in a private school setting told me my children were young for their ages. My dc were then 7 and 5. I thought her grandkids were growing up too fast...mostly just an attitude kind of thing. At the time I was thankful that my dc are able to grow at what I consider an appropriate pace. What's the rush?? So I agree that I am not bothered in the least if my dc are different than other kids. Just the fact that their education is vastly different than mainstream kids will account for that more than anything else. And for me, that's a good thing!

[Catwoman]

I'm sorry I have to really disagree here! Or maybe you were just kidding :001_smile: ? (And it is funny for me to even be replying to this quote b/c I have neither boys nor video games!) From what I've seen, when two people are playing a video game there is close to zero meaningful interaction going on.

 

Yes, I was joking around! I thought it was pretty funny that Scarlett's dh is worried that their ds isn't masculine enough, yet the two of them were sitting together playing a violent video game... now, if they were playing, "My Little Pony" or a Barbie game, I might have started to wonder about both of them... ;)

 

But in a way, I wasn't kidding. If Scarlett's dh isn't spending enough time with his son, it's probably because he's afraid he won't know what to do with him, and that they'll sit there looking at each other with nothing to say, and they'll both be uncomfortable. If they both enjoy the same video games, it's actually a good start, because they can play together, and they also have something in common to talk about. They can also plan trips to the video store or spend time on eBay shopping for games. They can also go online together and read the reviews of games they might like.

 

It may not be everyone's idea of perfect parenting, but I think it's a good beginning. I'm sure Scarlett's dh is a good guy; he just may not be great at relating to kids. Not everyone is a "natural" parent; some people seem to instinctively know just what to say and do, but many don't, even if they really wish they did. I suspect that Scarlett is more of a "natural," and her dh may feel a little threatened by that, and is probably also envious of the closeness between Scarlett and her ds. (I just think he needs to grow up and realize that punishing Scarlett and her son by trying to force the boy into ps is NOT the mature thing to do!)

 

Cat

[SonshineLearner]

I read through most of the posts....Going from one mom that has just the one student...to probably another woman...with 20-30.... Also, I'd have my husband spend a few vacation days at the school, before I'd send my children. My husband decided that homeschooling was ok, after I started our Classical Conversations program...where he could see the kids interact and come away sounding "smart". He was raised in public school...pretty much the whole way. There might be a compromise like a University Method school...or a really involved coop type situation...Any of these?

Carrie:-)

[Catwoman]

Sorry to temporarily hijack the thread, but...

 

Carrie -- how did you start your local Classical Conversations program? I've heard good things about it, but there are no groups in my area. Was it a ton of work to get started?

 

Thanks!

 

Cat

[Aubrey]

Hey Aubrey, where did you get the pitchfork and torch? They look great with your outfit!

 

I wonder if we're scaring poor Scarlett... Militant Moms on a Mission! ;)

 

And I'll bet her ds is no sissy; he's probably just a nice kid!

 

Cat

 

Well...my dh has a stash of pitchforks. He likes to pass them out when he gets on his soapbox. Want me to have him send you one? ;)

 

And I hope we're not scaring Scarlett. I just mean I'm on that hill for *my* kids. In my case, though, I think dh grabbed my collar & held me here a couple of times. Of course, that was after I said, "Hey, if we're going to get married, you should see this really beautiful hill. It's so high, you can see the sunset like it's the whole sky. And...once you're up there, there's no going back down." Moohahaha.

[teamturner]

I'm sorry I have to really disagree here! Or maybe you were just kidding :001_smile: ? (And it is funny for me to even be replying to this quote b/c I have neither boys nor video games!) From what I've seen, when two people are playing a video game there is close to zero meaningful interaction going on.

 

We held off on video games for our dc for a long time. Finally got a Wii a year ago and I believe that many of the games (especially sports) are great family bonding time. We really restrict the use of it so there's balance, but nothing makes my sons happier than for my dh to play the Wii with them. They spend time in other ways but to say it is void of human interaction is incorrect. And I've had fun with it too and I usually find video games boring.

 

(sorry, I read your post about not including Wii in your accessment of video games. However, I still think there can be some male bonding going on in video gaming that we female types don't get.)

Edited March 25, 2009 by Michelle in TX
added a point

[Alison in KY]

How did the talk go?

 

Alison in KY

[Scarlett]

How did the talk go?

 

Alison in KY

 

Sadly no talk yet. Not the first night after he wrote that or last night. I'm too anxious about how it will go (read not my way) to bring it up.

 

I think the first question might just be to see if he is so certain ds MUST go in the fall, that I should forfeit his spot in the VA.

[MamaT]

Scarlett, I haven't posted on this thread yet, but I've been reading and worried for you. Just wanted you to know that I've been praying that your conversation with your husband goes well.

[Erica in PA]

Sadly no talk yet. Not the first night after he wrote that or last night. I'm too anxious about how it will go (read not my way) to bring it up.

 

I think the first question might just be to see if he is so certain ds MUST go in the fall, that I should forfeit his spot in the VA.

 

I don't mean to be negative, but I would like to encourage you to take a much stronger approach. Feeling too anxious to bring it up, and starting by asking your dh if he's sure about his decision... that is not beginning from a position of strength. It makes it all too easy for the other person to simply say, "Yep, I'm sure." Case Closed. In my other post I mentioned friends who have given up far too quickly on this issue, imo, and I have to honestly tell you that this sounds quite a bit like the approach they took. Overwhelmed by feelings, wanting terribly to avoid conflict, and asking just one or two questions "just to make sure he's sure." Of course, he was, and that was the end of that.

 

I would encourage you to begin by expressing *not* your emotions, but explaining thoroughly and passionately your solid, logical reasons why your ds should be homeschooled, and why he should *not* go to ps. Your dh needs to know that you feel not only as strongly as he does, but MORE strongly, and why.

 

I know that it must be very hard to have your dh not support you in this, Scarlett. :grouphug: I wish your family all the best!

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

 

Scarlett,

 

You might save the slot at the VA for him. Registering for public school takes very little more than walking in the first day and doing it. They will want forms filled out and records, but it is something they have to do.

 

Another option might be a private school if one is available.

 

Imo..fwiw...You are a great mom, and your son and husband are blessed to have you. Your dh's worries are common in many dads, I'd work on providing those manly activities. Boys and men come in all different types and a sensitive boy doesn't equal a sissy-man. Tell your hubby to wait for the hormones to kick in and he'll have plenty of testorenone displays to allay his fears.

 

:grouphug:

 

Sadly no talk yet. Not the first night after he wrote that or last night. I'm too anxious about how it will go (read not my way) to bring it up.

 

I think the first question might just be to see if he is so certain ds MUST go in the fall, that I should forfeit his spot in the VA.

[TXMomof4]

 

However, I totally absolutely agree the boy needs more time with his dad. Without Mom. How do I get that across to dh in the discussions about hs vs. ps?

 

 

I think that's the million dollar question. Everytime I've tried to suggest more one on one time with dh and any of the kids, he turns it into a "I don't think he's doing a good job as a father" discussion. Which is ridiculous. The most innocent of comments will lead to that response, which tells me he must realize it's true. I don't know how to get around that, but I'll be praying for you and yours. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Truthfully, Scarlett, I see the lack of conversation as a potentially good sign. If your dh really, really wanted your ds in ps, wouldn't he have said something by now?

 

Is it possible that he was just upset and blowing off some steam when he sent you the email? If I recall correctly, he said something like, "We'll talk about it later," right? Well, if later hasn't come yet, maybe it won't.

 

Maybe this isn't a good idea (and I'm sure others will let me know :tongue_smilie:,) but if it were me, I'd just continue with "business as usual," unless your dh is under the impression that you agree about ps.

 

If you can't stand the idea of not talking about it, wait until your dh is in a good mood and there is some time for the two of you to talk privately. You could mention something about your curriculum choices for next year, and say you've been thinking a lot about how you can add more outside activities for your ds. (Have some specific ideas ready first!) Don't even mention the ps thing until your dh does, and then be ready with calm, rational reasons for continuing to homeschool. Don't waffle at all, and don't even remotely agree that ps might be a possibility.

 

One thing you may want to do is research your local school district's ratings and test scores, to see if your bright son will be "dumbed down" in ps. You should also ask around to see what kinds of social problems exist in the local schools -- there's some scary stuff going on in a lot of schools, even in the best neighborhoods, and most of it usually goes unpublicized. I know there are tons of online articles about problems in the school systems, even in the elementary grades, and you may want to see if any of them apply to your area, so you can show your dh some solid evidence, if you think it will help get him in your corner on this.

 

Ultimately, though, it sounds like your dh was making his decision based entirely on his own emotions, and that's simply not acceptable. Your ds is doing just fine as a hser, and if it were a discussion with my own dh, that's about all I'd have to say about it before I told him that regular school was not an option. You're the mom, the primary caregiver, and the teacher -- and whether or not to homeschool should ultimately be your decision. Your dh can make an argument against it, but realistically, you are the most qualified person to make this decision, and if I were you, I wouldn't back down. This isn't about some abstract issue; this is about your ds. And once you send him to ps, you won't have an easy time getting him back out if your dh doesn't agree to it, so if hs is what you really want, stand your ground and don't back down off that hill.

 

I believe Aubrey has a pitchfork you can borrow... ;)

 

Cat

[Barb_]

After reading through the responses, here are my reactions:

 

1) Dh is being reactive.

 

2) Your son at 9 will bear only a passing resemblance to your son at 18. Sending him to school now so he isn't afraid of college is just silly.

 

3) Well reasoned arguments have merit. Vague leaps of reasoning based on what may possibly happen in the future without taking into account what is actually happening now is not a good basis for major life decisions.

 

Okay, that said, I would have to say that if dh insisted on sending son to school I'd make him own that decision. He would be in charge of enrolling him and homework, forms, teacher conferences, social issues, etc. I'd comfort son but gently redirect him to Dad for help with bullies, girls, educational issues, etc. I would go so far as insisting he drop him at school in the morning and getting a part time job or taking classes myself to ensure that would be a necessity.

 

My husband is hispanic. He always wants to have our girls' ears pierced when they are infants. I'm against it simply because I don't wish to inflict unnecessary pain on my little one and I don't wish to be responsible for cleaning little ears twice a day. So each time I tell him that if he wants ears done he'll have to take her himself and do all the cleaning, etc. He's never followed through. He likes the idea but isn't too crazy about the emotional work needed for the implementation. I'm all for equal say in parenting, but if you do the follow through work on your husband's poorly thought out decision you are enabling his behavior. Insist he own this and the benefits are two-fold. You allow dh to experience the consequences of his decision and you nudge interaction between son and dh.

 

Barb

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

After reading through the responses, here are my reactions:

 

1) Dh is being reactive.

 

2) Your son at 9 will bear only a passing resemblance to your son at 18. Sending him to school now so he isn't afraid of college is just silly.

 

3) Well reasoned arguments have merit. Vague leaps of reasoning based on what may possibly happen in the future without taking into account what is actually happening now is not a good basis for major life decisions.

 

Okay, that said, I would have to say that if dh insisted on sending son to school I'd make him own that decision. He would be in charge of enrolling him and homework, forms, teacher conferences, social issues, etc. I'd comfort son but gently redirect him to Dad for help with bullies, girls, educational issues, etc. I would go so far as insisting he drop him at school in the morning and getting a part time job or taking classes myself to ensure that would be a necessity.

 

My husband is hispanic. He always wants to have our girls' ears pierced when they are infants. I'm against it simply because I don't wish to inflict unnecessary pain on my little one and I don't wish to be responsible for cleaning little ears twice a day. So each time I tell him that if he wants ears done he'll have to take her himself and do all the cleaning, etc. He's never followed through. He likes the idea but isn't too crazy about the emotional work needed for the implementation. I'm all for equal say in parenting, but if you do the follow through work on your husband's poorly thought out decision you are enabling his behavior. Insist he own this and the benefits are two-fold. You allow dh to experience the consequences of his decision and you nudge interaction between son and dh.

 

Barb

 

:iagree:

 

Barb, you're a genius.

[Scarlett]

After reading through the responses, here are my reactions:

 

1) Dh is being reactive.

 

2) Your son at 9 will bear only a passing resemblance to your son at 18. Sending him to school now so he isn't afraid of college is just silly.

 

3) Well reasoned arguments have merit. Vague leaps of reasoning based on what may possibly happen in the future without taking into account what is actually happening now is not a good basis for major life decisions.

 

 

 

I just can't thank you all enough for the excellent words of wisdom I'm getting here. I would like to respond to each of you individually, but no time! :)

 

I do want to clarify a few points though. Dh has wanted ds to go to school....for at least a year. We've had more than a few fights about it and I've really stood up for myself and even said (and meant) things like, 'if you want him in public school, YOU take him down and enroll him.' I'm not by nature meek or mild or submissive like. However, I think...I think it has come down to a marriage issue...because he thinks I am totally blowing off his opinion about it...so I finally, prayerfully came to the conclusion (and informed him) that if this is what he REALLY thinks is best than I am not going to fight him on it. I told him I think it is a very bad idea, and NOT in the best interest of our son, but that I will agree to it.l This conversation took place a few months ago. Since then in one fight he said he 'knows' I will scheme and find a way to not send him to school like I said I would. So I know he is thinking I am just bull headed and will get my way and that I don't care about his opinion.

 

I DO care about his opinion. And I want to hear his REAL concerns. I thought I would have until July or so to have time to talk this through with him in hopes that he would change his mind. This April 1 deadline is causing me stress because I'm not ready for the conversation...because I don't want to fight about it and him shut down. I'm terrible at communicating with him.

 

However, many of you have given me some fabulous ideas and heartfelt reasoning suggestions. I thank you very much.

 

His work is totally stressing him out and I think this will just have to wait until the weekend...but I've got to be ready to discuss it.

 

I don't want to come across as weak so that he just says, 'yep that is what I want!'

 

I THINK I will start by saying, 'I want to say that I will honor my agreement to put him in school if that is what you think is best. So I want to explore with you your reasons for thinking school is best...and see if we can come up with some other ways for ds to get what he needs while continuing to be homeschooled.'

 

That is my plan.

 

And thanks to all....even to those who got their hands slapped by SWB. ;)

[Catwoman]

I THINK I will start by saying, 'I want to say that I will honor my agreement to put him in school if that is what you think is best. So I want to explore with you your reasons for thinking school is best...and see if we can come up with some other ways for ds to get what he needs while continuing to be homeschooled.

 

You may want to rephrase your opening line. You are starting in a position of weakness and defeat if you say, "I want to say that I will honor my agreement to put him in school if that is what you think is best." You are leaving the door open for your DH to simply say, "I'm glad you will honor your agreement. He goes to school. Case closed."

 

Even if you agreed on ps in the past, it is clear that you are terribly uncomfortable with it. You are entitled to change your mind, particularly when you have many solid, rational reasons to back up your decision to continue homeschooling.

 

Personally, I'd enter the conversation under the assumption that we were going to keep hsing, and let your dh convince you otherwise, with his well thought-out, rational, sensible reasoning (assuming he has any valid reasons -- we haven't heard any yet.)

 

I'm not trying to pick on you; I just don't want your conversation to end before it begins.

 

Cat

[Scarlett]

Personally, I'd enter the conversation under the assumption that we were going to keep hsing, and let your dh convince you otherwise, with his well thought-out, rational, sensible reasoning (assuming he has any valid reasons -- we haven't heard any yet.)

 

I'm not trying to pick on you; I just don't want your conversation to end before it begins.

 

Cat

 

The problem is....we have a marriage issue...if I start off with the assumption that we are still hs'ling (after I've agreed to send him to school if that is that is what dh wants) dh will hear nothing else I say.

 

I'm going with the assumption that, the TRUTH is that dh doesn't really want him in school....he just wants his opinion to matter.

[Catwoman]

I'm going with the assumption that, the TRUTH is that dh doesn't really want him in school....he just wants his opinion to matter.

 

Oh, Ok!

 

That makes more sense to me -- thanks for the clarification!

 

I'm still thinking, though, that you shouldn't go into the conversation agreeing to anything. If your dh is anything like me, he'll hear the part where he wins, and then his ears will shut off... something like, "'I want to say that I will honor my agreement to put him in school if that is what you think is best. blah blah blah blah blah," and all he's thinking is, "I win! I win! I win! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

 

Maybe there's a way you could just say, "I think it's time we talked some more about the homeschooling thing. You already know how I feel about it, but I really want to know what you're thinking," and make him be very specific.

 

You don't necessarily have to make a final decision during that single conversation, either. You can always suggest (if things aren't going your way,) that both of you think it over for a few days and talk again.

 

Sorry you have to go through this. :grouphug:

 

Cat

Edited March 26, 2009 by Catwoman
typos, as usual

[WTMCassandra]

Then I think you should say THAT: "Your opinion matters deeply to me." And mean it. But then say your piece.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My dh and I had one of those "hill to die on" issues earlier in the year. I told dh (and I believe) that in order for him to make good decisions for our family that he needs to have all the facts.

 

In my case, I was much too emotional to have a coherent or even understandable discussion because I not only cry when I'm upset but also when something matters deeply to me. So I wrote everything out. I wrote out my feelings because that is an important issue that dh needs to have as part of his final decision making process. I wrote out how things affected our kids. I wrote out what I saw as the issues - and I tried to be as objective as I could about this. Some of what I wrote actually went against my "side" of the argument. I happened to write all this out over a number of days while I cried writing it. But I got it all out.

 

In my case, I felt like whatever he decided in the end, I would be really upset at myself if I did not make all the issues as clear as I could.

 

And (this is probably really important in your case esp.) I asked him to explain to me in as much detail his feelings, how he saw things affecting the kids and what the issues were etc. I told him that I didn't want him to tell me these things because I didn't believe in his ability to lead our family, but because I really need to be able to understand if I'm going to stand beside him. Because I really do want to support his leadership. He chose to do his side of the explaining verbally. (He doesn't cry easily;) )

 

It is obvious from what I wrote that we have a marriage which is a team with one head team-leader - my husband. I don't know if you have the same kind of marriage but if so, this is how I handled it. I learned a lot from the process. The resolution in the end became something that we both wanted - not a "he won" or "she won" kind of thing. (I won:D)

[Catwoman]

Jean made some great points. You know, writing everything out could be very helpful to you, Scarlett, even if you never give the pages to your dh. It would be an excellent way to clarify all of your thoughts and feelings.

 

Cat

 

PS. Glad you won, Jean, even though it wasn't about winning or losing. :D

[Scarlett]

My dh and I had one of those "hill to die on" issues earlier in the year. I told dh (and I believe) that in order for him to make good decisions for our family that he needs to have all the facts.

 

In my case, I was much too emotional to have a coherent or even understandable discussion because I not only cry when I'm upset but also when something matters deeply to me. So I wrote everything out. I wrote out my feelings because that is an important issue that dh needs to have as part of his final decision making process. I wrote out how things affected our kids. I wrote out what I saw as the issues - and I tried to be as objective as I could about this. Some of what I wrote actually went against my "side" of the argument. I happened to write all this out over a number of days while I cried writing it. But I got it all out.

 

In my case, I felt like whatever he decided in the end, I would be really upset at myself if I did not make all the issues as clear as I could.

 

And (this is probably really important in your case esp.) I asked him to explain to me in as much detail his feelings, how he saw things affecting the kids and what the issues were etc. I told him that I didn't want him to tell me these things because I didn't believe in his ability to lead our family, but because I really need to be able to understand if I'm going to stand beside him. Because I really do want to support his leadership. He chose to do his side of the explaining verbally. (He doesn't cry easily;) )

 

It is obvious from what I wrote that we have a marriage which is a team with one head team-leader - my husband. I don't know if you have the same kind of marriage but if so, this is how I handled it. I learned a lot from the process. The resolution in the end became something that we both wanted - not a "he won" or "she won" kind of thing. (I won:D)

 

THank you Jean....very helpful. I do want to be submissive....not easy when I feel like he hasn't put as much effort into 'seeing' this issue as I have.

[Rosie_0801]

And thanks to all....even to those who got their hands slapped by SWB. ;)

 

Just so you know, I never have eaten my hubby for breakfast :D In fact, he's in bed safely asleep, lucky fella.

 

If you are looking for manly activities, perhaps something like the SCA or a local archery club? Sometimes the less sporty types can get into those.

 

Rosie

[Catwoman]

I do want to be submissive.....

 

Uh oh. Maybe you should disregard everything I've said.

 

I am pretty much the Anti-Submissive Wife.

 

Cat

[Barb_]

I do want to clarify a few points though. Dh has wanted ds to go to school....for at least a year. We've had more than a few fights about it and I've really stood up for myself and even said (and meant) things like, 'if you want him in public school, YOU take him down and enroll him.'

 

So then what happened?? Did he enroll him? This is what I don't get. If he's bluffing and won't go through with enrolling him, then why does it keep coming up? If he really wants him in school against your wishes, he should put his money where his mouth is and take care of it. If he just wants to torment you for the sake of having an opinion, then he needs to chill out :tongue_smilie:

 

Barb

[Scarlett]

So then what happened?? Did he enroll him? This is what I don't get. If he's bluffing and won't go through with enrolling him, then why does it keep coming up? If he really wants him in school against your wishes, he should put his money where his mouth is and take care of it. If he just wants to torment you for the sake of having an opinion, then he needs to chill out :tongue_smilie:

 

Barb

 

Because it is causing so many problems in my marriage. It is starting to be THE issue and clouding the MARRIAGE issue. IF that makes sense. I feel like he doesn't think I am listening to his concerns....and I'm not sure he really knows what his concerns are, so I'm hoping to draw him out and find solutions to his concerns that don't include sticking him in public school.

[Barb_]

Because it is causing so many problems in my marriage. It is starting to be THE issue and clouding the MARRIAGE issue. IF that makes sense. I feel like he doesn't think I am listening to his concerns....and I'm not sure he really knows what his concerns are, so I'm hoping to draw him out and find solutions to his concerns that don't include sticking him in public school.

 

Ah, I'm so sorry then. Have you tried counseling? It sounds like your husband would benefit from some self exploration. We went through a lot of marriage problems during the past decade simply because my husband didn't understand the reasons behind his feelings and he was at the mercy of his reactions.

 

How do you see this issue being resolved? What is the end point here? It doesn't seem likely he's going to say, "Oh, NOW I see what you mean. I won't bring it up again." Is he looking for you to back down to prove that you will? What would the ideal, realistic solution be?

 

Barb

[Scarlett]

Ah, I'm so sorry then. Have you tried counseling? It sounds like your husband would benefit from some self exploration. We went through a lot of marriage problems during the past decade simply because my husband didn't understand the reasons behind his feelings and he was at the mercy of his reactions.

 

How do you see this issue being resolved? What is the end point here? It doesn't seem likely he's going to say, "Oh, NOW I see what you mean. I won't bring it up again." Is he looking for you to back down to prove that you will? What would the ideal, realistic solution be?

 

Barb

 

I've been to counseling recently in fact. He won't go. And yes I think he is looking for me to back down to prove I will. I'm...very stubborn and hardheaded and I don't give in. I'm trying to be softer and more agreeable and yet THIS issue is killing me.

 

However, I doubt a year of public school will kill ds......I know he could survive it. It is just not what I wish for him.

[Erica in PA]

I've been to counseling recently in fact. He won't go. And yes I think he is looking for me to back down to prove I will. I'm...very stubborn and hardheaded and I don't give in. I'm trying to be softer and more agreeable and yet THIS issue is killing me.

 

However, I doubt a year of public school will kill ds......I know he could survive it. It is just not what I wish for him.

 

But I wonder if you realize how truly dysfunctional this sounds.. basically your ds would be going to school primarily because there's a power struggle going on between his parents? Not because *either parent* actually has solid reasons to believe that school would be best for him, but because his dad wants his mom to prove that she will back down when forced to?

 

:grouphug: I'm really sorry, Scarlett. I would encourage you to continue on with counseling, and keep trying dh to go with you. Also, keep taking your concerns to the Lord-- He alone can change hearts, and it sounds like that is what is needed most in this situation.

[Scarlett]

But I wonder if you realize how truly dysfunctional this sounds.. basically your ds would be going to school primarily because there's a power struggle going on between his parents? Not because *either parent* actually has solid reasons to believe that school would be best for him, but because his dad wants his mom to prove that she will back down when forced to?

 

:grouphug: I'm really sorry, Scarlett. I would encourage you to continue on with counseling, and keep trying dh to go with you. Also, keep taking your concerns to the Lord-- He alone can change hearts, and it sounds like that is what is needed most in this situation.

 

Yes, I know it is dysfunctional.....but see...dh I think, thinks he has good reasons for wanting ds in school.

 

I guess I could dig in my heels and press on defiantly and alone with hs'ling. I just want more than that.

[Catwoman]

I just want more than that.

 

What is it that you really want to achieve? Do you believe that sending your ds to ps is going to repair the problems between you and your dh? (I'm not asking for any details -- I'm just assuming that there's a lot more to this than a debate over homeschooling.)

 

Is it worth it to you to have your ds be miserable at the thought of going to school in the fall? Is it worth it to be miserable because you can't hs anymore, even though you have obviously been very successful at it? Are you prepared to tell your ds to suck it up and deal with it if he goes to school and kids are mean to him, or he doesn't make friends, or if the teachers are unkind? Are you willing to deal with the fact that, even if your ds hates school, your dh may still disagree with homeschooling, and you may not be able to pull your ds out of school and bring him back home?

 

You are obviously such a great homeschool teacher and clearly you're a wonderful mom, too. Is there any particular reason why you've chosen this as the "thing" that shows your dh that you're ready to be submissive?

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I keep thinking of your poor son, who is stuck in the middle of a situation that will seriously impact his life, yet probably isn't really even about him. This sounds like a control issue between you and your dh, yet your ds is the one who will suffer most from it if you don't stand up for him.

 

Cat

 

PS. Again, we don't do submissive at our house, so some people may be offended by my posts. I just don't see this as a submission issue; I see this as a "defending your child's best interests" issue, which seems more important than doing what your husband wants you to do.