Dh wants ds9 in school

[elegantlion]

Just to let you know I'm still thinking of you and your situation and wishing you all the best.

[JudoMom]

Forgive me if this is out of line, but I thought the Christian husband was supposed to base his decisions on what is best and comfortable for his family. If your husband is making decisions that cause you and your son such distress, he's not really doing his job, is he?

 

Rosie

 

Well, actually, I would say as a Christian husband he's supposed to base his decisions on what is best and right for his family. Sometimes the right thing is the hard thing and the best thing is the uncomfortable thing.

 

I really don't see the need to criticize Scarlett's dh. None of us know him, and he isn't here to defend himself.

[Lakeside]

I don't have any words of wisdom, I just wanted to let you know I've been praying for you and your family. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Well, actually, I would say as a Christian husband he's supposed to base his decisions on what is best and right for his family. Sometimes the right thing is the hard thing and the best thing is the uncomfortable thing.

 

 

I suppose you're right about that, if you believe that the husband makes the decisions for the family. In our house, my dh and I make decisions jointly, and if we can't reach an agreement, we usually do things my way. I can honestly say I'd never heard of "submission" until I started visiting homeschool forums, nor had I ever known a woman who said that her dh had the final word in making decisions for the family.

 

It's interesting how there are so many different lifestyles, and that what works beautifully for one family would be disastrous for another. My personal feeling is that, as long as people are happy, good for them!

 

That said, I have been guilty of criticizing Scarlett's dh, but I have also been following her threads right from the beginning of this situation, and while I don't know him, I can understand why many of us have criticized him. If he would just sit down and talk with Scarlett about their ds, and explain his reasoning for why he wants their son to attend school, while also listening to her point of view, I don't think any of us would have a problem with that. We might disagree with him, but we wouldn't criticize his behavior.

 

Ultimately, I just hope things work out well for Scarlett. She is such a dedicated homeschool mom, and her son is thriving. I hate to see her so upset over this.

 

Cat

Edited March 30, 2009 by Catwoman

[Cheryl in NM]

Scarlett,

I sent you a pm.

[Rosie_0801]

Well, actually, I would say as a Christian husband he's supposed to base his decisions on what is best and right for his family. Sometimes the right thing is the hard thing and the best thing is the uncomfortable thing.

 

I really don't see the need to criticize Scarlett's dh. None of us know him, and he isn't here to defend himself.

 

I see I wasn't clear. I was suggesting that this issue should be a conversation between Mr Scarlett and God about his family's well being, rather than being a power struggle between husband and wife.

 

Hopefully God will tell Mr Scarlett to there's no need to fix something that isn't broken, so he can chill out and relax.

 

:)

Rosie

[tamcnghton]

This happened to me. I cried a lot. :crying: Actually, I had the chance to take the girls half day. They cried. It was awful....until the end of the day. Then they asked if they could go again. They ended up going full day. I was in shock. I felt very lost. I had to find new things to do. What I found out was that instead of working really hard at homeschooling in the morning til 1 or so, I had to work really hard in the evenings with homework and then read alouds. So I had to learn to get my housework done in the day and exercise ...and then be ready in the evening for homework and read alouds. I still picked awesome books for them to read (it was 2nd and 4th for us) I homeschooled them in the summer. What I found was important for summer.... Keep good books in their hands from WTM, Sonlight, Konos, whatever you like. In the summer they had to do 2 pages grammer, 2 pages of math, online geography bee daily quizes, and keep reading. Then they could watch Ruff Ruffman on PBS. I kept a stock of great games. I had to ditch latin :crying: programs but I did get them to play rummy roots card games. They are still smart despite going to public and then middle school charter school. (I know their IQs- they are hard workers more than IQ smart) My youngest now 5th is getting pre-algebra work at school (the teacher gives each kid their own math). The teachers think my kids are smart but I seriously doubt she would be doing pre-algebra if I had let her brain cells disengrate over the summer. Now they are in 5th and 7th.... a prestigious $15k /yr prep school just accepted them with financial aid :). And yes....they will still get summer work. Oh yeah....my eldest daughter actually won the school geography bee (see doing those summer geography bee quizes did work!) MAYBE they would be smarter or nicer if I homeschooled but they are not MY kids. They are OUR kids. I highly recommend the book by Dr Harley His Needs Her Needs For Parents....it talks about joint Policy of agreement. You would not want your son to marry and then watch the girl to force her wishes on him. If your husband is willing to talk about it....that is the first step towards joint policy of agreement. You both need to enthusiastically agree. That is the best lesson you could give your son in life. My mom and dad often disagreed. It is my default. I had to work hard to make new habits. It was well worth it. :001_smile:

[katemary63]

 

This happened to me. I cried a lot. :crying:

 

I felt very lost.

 

They are OUR kids. I highly recommend the book by Dr Harley His Needs Her Needs For Parents....it talks about joint Policy of agreement.

 

You would not want your son to marry and then watch the girl to force her wishes on him.

 

If your husband is willing to talk about it....that is the first step towards joint policy of agreement.

 

You both need to enthusiastically agree. :001_smile:

 

I'm sorry, I do not understand what you are saying here at all. It SEEMS like you are saying that it is okay for for the husband to "force" his wishes on the wife, but the wife can't force her wishes on the husband? Unless you are saying that although you "cried a lot" and were "very lost" you still "enthusiastically agreed" with sending your kids to public school? I'm not trying to be rude but this is just really confusing. :confused:

[MommyJo]

Has he always been hesitant to homeschooling? I know that sometimes, when men are going through change or something he "fears" they act in strange ways. My sisters Army husband was overseas and it was vrazy the requests he had. He was persistant on the strangest things. When he got back he told her how he was very afraid over there and that there was "too much time to think about things" and that he realizes now how weird he had been. Maybe your husband is going through something or something like that and is acting out his own fears of something. The fact that he was talking about fears and change exclusively at the end shows that it may be something he's going through. I would enroll him if you feel it's necessary but only if you have the option of changing your mind and keeping him at home later. My dh was against homeschooling until I showed him all the coops and "part time" school options we had available. He quickly realized that being in a Christian coop some of the time was better for instilling our Christian values than ps. Maybe you should discuss private school with your husband. Tell him about any part time like schools you have and see if he will agree to that. I wish you well but remember God gave our children to us to raise, we need to make the right decisions because they can't yet. I know it's hard when your husband is pressuring you but you need to question what's better in the long run for your son? Talk to the Lord about your fears and He will answer. I prayed for over a month while my insistant husband kept saying no way and eventually one day, the Lord answered my prayers and my dh was convinced. I wish you luck!

[Scarlett]

You ladies are all wonderful. I love having such support during such a testy time in my life. I especially LOVE the tags attached to this thread. They make me smile and feel all warm inside.

 

I haven't discussed this with my mom or IRL friends...so it helps to have you guys.

 

I was gone from about 4:15 until 7:15 last night with ds to a party (which dh was invited to btw). He stayed home. Before I left I handed him TWTM and showed him the few pages (10 maybe) on socialization and asked him to please read them---that he might find it helpful and informative. I also handed him my email...printed out....it contained the remainder of my original email to him that I chopped down so that he would have fewer words to wade through at first.

 

On Saturday when I tried to talk to him he seemed to me so angry and so unwillingly to listen to my points or to defend or explain his. One of the things he said was that he felt ds should not be stuck in the house with me all day. While that is not an accurate description of our very busy life, I did not say that...I said, 'is there anything else we could do, brainstorm, to address that concern without putting him in public school?' LIKE WHAT he rather yelled...And I reeled off a few suggestions like co-op and or other activities where he could meet different kids. But he was having none of a reasonable discussion..he got louder and louder and then I realized ds was outside our bedroom door...sigh. So I did not get to list my other reasons why I felt hs was serving ds so well. Thus my attempt to get him to read those points yesterday while I was gone.

 

When I got home from the party I left again and went to buy groceries. I got home from that about 9:00 and I said, 'what did you think about the info in TWTM? He said, 'I didn't read it.'

 

 

It feels very disrespectful to me that he won't even read a few pages about the subject at hand that he claims to feel so strongly about. He accused me of wanting things my way all the time, saying that me asking him to read that info was me wanting my way. I just said, 'I don't think that was too much to ask to read 10 pages about this topic.' He said, 'you are just looking for some way to get your way about registering him before the deadline. In fact, I bet you've already registered him. I would be shocked if you haven't already signed him up.' I said, 'well prepare to be shocked because I haven't.'

 

So I let it go for the night...this morning I asked him if he had read my printed out email...he said no...my face said.....annoyance..he said, 'I'll read it tonight or something.' So I will send it to his email account here at the house and he will look at it tonight. Or ignore it. Whatever.

[Scarlett]

Forgive me if this is out of line, but I thought the Christian husband was supposed to base his decisions on what is best and comfortable for his family. If your husband is making decisions that cause you and your son such distress, he's not really doing his job, is he?

 

Rosie

 

I am trying to be a Christian wife....I don't really think dh is focused on the actual model of a Christian husband.

[Scarlett]

I just think it's so sad that you're reduced to passing notes and sending emails, because your dh won't have a calm and thoughtful conversation.

 

If you simply say you're homeschooling next year, and that's your final decision, what would happen next? Your dh can't register your ds for school without your consent (or at least he couldn't do it where we live.)

 

At some point, the battle is going to have to end, and it's outrageous that it's dragging on and on like this. (I'm not blaming you, Scarlett -- I can see that you're doing everything possible to work this out as peacefully as possible! :grouphug:)

 

Cat

 

PS. Try to have fun at the party!

 

I had a lot of fun at the party thanks. And so did ds. Dh tried to get him to stay home with him....but ds wanted to go. It was a family style baby shower/covered dish...so all is friends were there and they played and ate cake and had a ball watching the family open the gifts. Socially stunted kid that he is. ;)

[Scarlett]

I'm sorry, I do not understand what you are saying here at all. It SEEMS like you are saying that it is okay for for the husband to "force" his wishes on the wife, but the wife can't force her wishes on the husband? Unless you are saying that although you "cried a lot" and were "very lost" you still "enthusiastically agreed" with sending your kids to public school? I'm not trying to be rude but this is just really confusing. :confused:

 

That is my feeling on that concept as well. I've read several of Harley's books, (but not the one for parents) so I'm familiar with the idea that a couple should enthusiastically agree on everything.

 

As for those of you who pm'd me, thanks. I do realize this is a marriage issue. I think most children at one point or another will be affected by the marriage issues of their parents. The hope is the good affects outweigh the bad. I would not sit by and let ds be outright harmed just to let dh have his way. However, I, unlike many of you, don't believe the school issue is a hill to die on. If we put him in and he has a terrible experience somethingmore would have to happen...I don't know what.

 

I am trying my best to do my part in this marriage a respectful manner.

[Scarlett]

This happened to me. but they are not MY kids. They are OUR kids.

 

I truly agree with you on this point. I know dh has as much right to decide things for ds as I do. The problem is he will not really discuss or attempt to defend his position on WHY he wants ds in school. If ds was struggling academically or if he was painfully shy, or hate other people or had no friends, or actually never did leave the house....those are things I could say, 'ah yes. you have apoint.' But for him to say things like "I don't want him stuck in this house all day.' Or he needs to learn to not fear change. And then not listen to my suggestions or explantions...all that makes it seem like dh just wants his way.

[fivetails]

You ladies are all wonderful. I love having such support during such a testy time in my life. I especially LOVE the tags attached to this thread. They make me smile and feel all warm inside.

 

I haven't discussed this with my mom or IRL friends...so it helps to have you guys.

 

I was gone from about 4:15 until 7:15 last night with ds to a party (which dh was invited to btw). He stayed home. Before I left I handed him TWTM and showed him the few pages (10 maybe) on socialization and asked him to please read them---that he might find it helpful and informative. I also handed him my email...printed out....it contained the remainder of my original email to him that I chopped down so that he would have fewer words to wade through at first.

 

On Saturday when I tried to talk to him he seemed to me so angry and so unwillingly to listen to my points or to defend or explain his. One of the things he said was that he felt ds should not be stuck in the house with me all day. While that is not an accurate description of our very busy life, I did not say that...I said, 'is there anything else we could do, brainstorm, to address that concern without putting him in public school?' LIKE WHAT he rather yelled...And I reeled off a few suggestions like co-op and or other activities where he could meet different kids. But he was having none of a reasonable discussion..he got louder and louder and then I realized ds was outside our bedroom door...sigh. So I did not get to list my other reasons why I felt hs was serving ds so well. Thus my attempt to get him to read those points yesterday while I was gone.

 

When I got home from the party I left again and went to buy groceries. I got home from that about 9:00 and I said, 'what did you think about the info in TWTM? He said, 'I didn't read it.'

 

 

It feels very disrespectful to me that he won't even read a few pages about the subject at hand that he claims to feel so strongly about. He accused me of wanting things my way all the time, saying that me asking him to read that info was me wanting my way. I just said, 'I don't think that was too much to ask to read 10 pages about this topic.' He said, 'you are just looking for some way to get your way about registering him before the deadline. In fact, I bet you've already registered him. I would be shocked if you haven't already signed him up.' I said, 'well prepare to be shocked because I haven't.'

 

So I let it go for the night...this morning I asked him if he had read my printed out email...he said no...my face said.....annoyance..he said, 'I'll read it tonight or something.' So I will send it to his email account here at the house and he will look at it tonight. Or ignore it. Whatever.

 

Scarlet, you must have the patience of a saint. Or something.

 

Seriously.

 

The whole thing above sounds as rude as all get out. I'd be done trying to have any sort of conversation and I'd just go on doing what I believed was best for my child.

[Alison in KY]

:grouphug: FYI, my husband wouldn't have read it either. This sounds so familiar and I wish it didn't.

 

It sounds like he wants to be the "head" of the house and putting your ds in school is one way to help him feel like he's still in control (even though it all sounds unreasonable).

 

The only thing I'd suggest at this point is to give it all up to God. And that doesn't mean you're quitting. Actually the opposite. Bring some friends in to help you pray about it.

 

And try to reassure your son that no matter what you WILL be there to help him through life.

 

Alison

[Alison in KY]

Scarlet, you must have the patience of a saint. Or something.

 

Seriously.

 

The whole thing above sounds as rude as all get out. I'd be done trying to have any sort of conversation and I'd just go on doing what I believed was best for my child.

 

 

While I agree, I wanted to respectfully say that if your married to one of these types (which it sounds like she is) and I am, then it just doesn't do any good to shove back that hard. It's like hitting a brick wall. It could just escalate to a search for a lawyer.

 

Alison

[fivetails]

they are not MY kids. They are OUR kids.

 

You both need to enthusiastically agree.

 

They might be the children of both - but there's usually one parent who knows the kids ~ and their needs ~ much better than the other, mainly because they spend so much more time with the kids. ;)

 

And how in the bright blue blazes do two people "enthusiastically agree" on something they have completely opposite ideas about? :001_huh:

[Scarlett]

While I agree, I wanted to respectfully say that if your married to one of these types (which it sounds like she is) and I am, then it just doesn't do any good to shove back that hard. It's like hitting a brick wall. It could just escalate to a search for a lawyer.

 

Alison

 

Exactly.

[TraceyS/FL]

While I agree, I wanted to respectfully say that if your married to one of these types (which it sounds like she is) and I am, then it just doesn't do any good to shove back that hard. It's like hitting a brick wall. It could just escalate to a search for a lawyer.

 

 

And allow me to say that after you find that lawyer, you STILL Have the same issues. Only worse.

 

I don't regret it though, it was past time to make that decision.

 

:grouphug: Scarlett, i hope it can worked out someway, somehow.

[Catwoman]

Scarlet, you must have the patience of a saint. Or something.

 

Seriously.

 

The whole thing above sounds as rude as all get out. I'd be done trying to have any sort of conversation and I'd just go on doing what I believed was best for my child.

 

I'm with FiveTails on this one -- Scarlett, you have gone above and beyond anything I would have done in your situation, and excuse me for saying this, but your dh is being a big baby.

 

I can tell you exactly why he won't bother to read 10 pages of TWTM, and I'm sure you already know, too. He knows that if he reads it, he'll have to discuss it, and he realizes he doesn't have a leg to stand on. You have reasons; he has excuses. You have information; he has emotion. You have statistics (our son's success in homeschooling;) your dh has nothing.

 

I understand that you're worried about making this a hill to die on, but realistically, if you refuse to enroll your ds in school and tell your dh you'll talk about it again next year, he'll get over it. He'll pitch a fit and get loud and stomp around for a few days, and then he'll get over it, and he'll find a new thing to want to control. I hate to say this, but even if you give in and send your ds to public school, it's not going to solve the problem, because the problem isn't hsing; your dh wants you to do whatever he says. He wants control, and once he wins the hsing battle, he'll be raring to go with the next thing you disagree about.

 

If he'd been reasonable about all of this, and was willing to take an objective look at both sides of the story, I'm sure that I (and a lot of others here,) may have seen things a bit differently. If your dh had calmly come to you with valid concerns and information to support his views, and you'd refused to look at them, I would have said you were wrong not to consider his point of view, but that's not the case here. Your dh has picked a battle (possibly at random) and is determined to win at any cost.

 

That's not fair to you or your ds.

 

Have you asked yourself at what point you will simply tell your dh that the decision is made, the ship has sailed, and your ds is going to be homeschooled again this year? -- Because your dh probably isn't going to come around on this. He wants to win, and that seems to be what this whole situation is about. If it wasn't homeschooling, it would be something else, and your dh would be determined to win that fight instead.

 

Sorry you're dealing with an unreasonable dh. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[tamcnghton]

Well...in answer to "how do you enthusiastically agree ?" First you learn to let each other know that your dukes are down and that you really care about your spouses feelings and needs. What I found from the book is that we think we know what our spouses want and need ( same for our kids). But in most cases we don't really know because most guys don't tell us in a way we can hear and we don't ask because we think we know or don't want to know. I'm speaking to myself (I am no angel). After i tripped over the bump in the rug...well i was open to read the book. We may think we are working really hard to do all the best stuff for our family but sometimes we just don't see that our arrows are pointed in the wrong directions and that we are not meeting the needs of everyone in our family despite all of our hard work. You know if you are meeting need of a spouse...you feel connected...you are there for each other....you are cared for as much as you care....etc. The opposite is 2 people each trying to get their agenda to work, in a marriage they think is pretty good, better than most...but when someone doesn't get their way the gloves are up. There is no way to brain storm to listen to the other persons feeling regarding the situation if your gloves are up.

 

If somedays you feel that you care but he doesn't, that you know and he doesn't...those are the red flags you should definitely be looking at what is going on. When you meet a person, male or female, that you care about and who knows you, what you need, how you feel, and knows how to care back isn't that awesome ? Well that is how marriage CAN be. That is an awesome lesson to teach your kids. It is so easy for some females to get their way by steam rolling (I was a great steam roller) and it is easy for some guys to get their way by being a tree, doing nothin, or just saying no. But deep down he and she want to feel cared for, connected, and have their needs met along with doing what is best for their children. Problem is that she usually meets his needs by giving him what she wants and he meets her needs by giving her what he wants.

 

If you ask your husband to do the survey to find out if your are meeting his needs...then you are taking your gloves off...and you will be able in time and with some work to start listening to each others ideas, feelings, opinions and to come to enthusiastic agreeance. No that does not mean that you will get your way in its original form. But is that your goal ? To get your way despite your spouse, is that really winning ? Can you really be enthusiastic about that ? Is that the message we want to give to our kids ?

 

If you offer him the survey and he flat out doesn't care about you meeting his needs or if he likes the part about you meeting his needs and doesn't give a hoot about meeting yours, then something is really really wrong..and it is better to deal with that now than later...I have stuff to say about that but I'll stop here.

 

Kelli

Edited March 30, 2009 by tamcnghton
left something out

[Catwoman]

While I agree, I wanted to respectfully say that if your married to one of these types (which it sounds like she is) and I am, then it just doesn't do any good to shove back that hard. It's like hitting a brick wall. It could just escalate to a search for a lawyer.

 

Alison

 

I guess I'm missing something here, because if you never "shove back," how is life ever fair for you? Why should one person always win, just because he's "one of those types?"

 

I'm sorry to say this, but if I had a dh who always insisted on his way or the highway, I'd hand him the car keys and tell him to hit the road.

 

I'm not saying you don't compromise when you can, but when there's an important issue (like homeschooling, in Scarlett's case,) why would you back down when you know you're right? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

Cat

 

Edited to add: I'm not saying you don't back down and compromise when you're deciding what's for dinner or what color to paint the living room, but Scarlett's situation is entirely different, and it really looks like she is trying everything possible to listen to her dh and find out what is really going on inside his head. The problem is that he isn't open to discussion, and that's why I think she will eventually have to just make her own decision and let her dh learn to deal with it.

Edited March 30, 2009 by Catwoman
clarification

[Karen sn]

You ladies are all wonderful. I love having such support during such a testy time in my life. I especially LOVE the tags attached to this thread. They make me smile and feel all warm inside.

 

I haven't discussed this with my mom or IRL friends...so it helps to have you guys.

 

I was gone from about 4:15 until 7:15 last night with ds to a party (which dh was invited to btw). He stayed home. Before I left I handed him TWTM and showed him the few pages (10 maybe) on socialization and asked him to please read them---that he might find it helpful and informative. I also handed him my email...printed out....it contained the remainder of my original email to him that I chopped down so that he would have fewer words to wade through at first.

 

On Saturday when I tried to talk to him he seemed to me so angry and so unwillingly to listen to my points or to defend or explain his. One of the things he said was that he felt ds should not be stuck in the house with me all day. While that is not an accurate description of our very busy life, I did not say that...I said, 'is there anything else we could do, brainstorm, to address that concern without putting him in public school?' LIKE WHAT he rather yelled...And I reeled off a few suggestions like co-op and or other activities where he could meet different kids. But he was having none of a reasonable discussion..he got louder and louder and then I realized ds was outside our bedroom door...sigh. So I did not get to list my other reasons why I felt hs was serving ds so well. Thus my attempt to get him to read those points yesterday while I was gone.

 

When I got home from the party I left again and went to buy groceries. I got home from that about 9:00 and I said, 'what did you think about the info in TWTM? He said, 'I didn't read it.'

 

 

It feels very disrespectful to me that he won't even read a few pages about the subject at hand that he claims to feel so strongly about. He accused me of wanting things my way all the time, saying that me asking him to read that info was me wanting my way. I just said, 'I don't think that was too much to ask to read 10 pages about this topic.' He said, 'you are just looking for some way to get your way about registering him before the deadline. In fact, I bet you've already registered him. I would be shocked if you haven't already signed him up.' I said, 'well prepare to be shocked because I haven't.'

 

So I let it go for the night...this morning I asked him if he had read my printed out email...he said no...my face said.....annoyance..he said, 'I'll read it tonight or something.' So I will send it to his email account here at the house and he will look at it tonight. Or ignore it. Whatever.

 

I can't even imagine how to deal with this.

BEFORE we got pregnant we discussed homeschool, homebirth, vaccines, cloth diapers. He was on board. Then I brought up circumcision. He was very opinionated and pro circumcision. UNTIL he read the book. I asked him to just read the 1st four chapters. That was all it took.

 

2 years later and he has learned to trust me and my opinion on things because he knows that I am well read and research everything and I over think every thing to death. He understands that I am smart and USE my brain.

 

If your dh will not even read an email - it is clear to me that he doesn't want to base this on any thing other than his own desires/emotions/irrationality....whatever. He wants comedy routine instead of using this opportunity of your being gone to bond with his son. He sounds very immature and as such you have your work cut out for you. All I can say is, "Sorry. And stick to your guns!" Homeschooling is a hill for me to die on and it sounds like it should be yours! You enjoy teaching him, he is learning, this opportunity only comes once in this lifetime. Don't let anyone undermind your son's education.

 

My opinion (limited because I do not know either of you) is that you have to play the game. However that is - whatever it takes - you are in it and you need to pay attention and play it well. You sound like the more logical one of the two - use your power for good......

[Karen sn]

Edited to add: I'm not saying you don't back down and compromise when you're deciding what's for dinner or what color to paint the living room, but Scarlett's situation is entirely different, and it really looks like she is trying everything possible to listen to her dh and find out what is really going on inside his head. The problem is that he isn't open to discussion, and that's why I think she will eventually have to just make her own decision and let her dh learn to deal with it.

 

I totally agree!!!

If he doesn't want to discuss it - then honey, it ain't up for discussion!

[Aubrey]

You ladies are all wonderful. I love having such support during such a testy time in my life. I especially LOVE the tags attached to this thread. They make me smile and feel all warm inside.

 

I haven't discussed this with my mom or IRL friends...so it helps to have you guys.

 

I was gone from about 4:15 until 7:15 last night with ds to a party (which dh was invited to btw). He stayed home. Before I left I handed him TWTM and showed him the few pages (10 maybe) on socialization and asked him to please read them---that he might find it helpful and informative. I also handed him my email...printed out....it contained the remainder of my original email to him that I chopped down so that he would have fewer words to wade through at first.

 

On Saturday when I tried to talk to him he seemed to me so angry and so unwillingly to listen to my points or to defend or explain his. One of the things he said was that he felt ds should not be stuck in the house with me all day. While that is not an accurate description of our very busy life, I did not say that...I said, 'is there anything else we could do, brainstorm, to address that concern without putting him in public school?' LIKE WHAT he rather yelled...And I reeled off a few suggestions like co-op and or other activities where he could meet different kids. But he was having none of a reasonable discussion..he got louder and louder and then I realized ds was outside our bedroom door...sigh. So I did not get to list my other reasons why I felt hs was serving ds so well. Thus my attempt to get him to read those points yesterday while I was gone.

 

When I got home from the party I left again and went to buy groceries. I got home from that about 9:00 and I said, 'what did you think about the info in TWTM? He said, 'I didn't read it.'

 

 

It feels very disrespectful to me that he won't even read a few pages about the subject at hand that he claims to feel so strongly about. He accused me of wanting things my way all the time, saying that me asking him to read that info was me wanting my way. I just said, 'I don't think that was too much to ask to read 10 pages about this topic.' He said, 'you are just looking for some way to get your way about registering him before the deadline. In fact, I bet you've already registered him. I would be shocked if you haven't already signed him up.' I said, 'well prepare to be shocked because I haven't.'

 

So I let it go for the night...this morning I asked him if he had read my printed out email...he said no...my face said.....annoyance..he said, 'I'll read it tonight or something.' So I will send it to his email account here at the house and he will look at it tonight. Or ignore it. Whatever.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::crying:

[Alison in KY]

I guess I'm missing something here, because if you never "shove back," how is life ever fair for you? Why should one person always win, just because he's "one of those types?"

 

Well, I'm not saying I'd never shove back, and I'm sure Scarlett shoves. But I wouldn't choose winning just to prove my point and then find out that the winning cost me alot more (seperation/divorce). I win alot. I win every morning I'm not crawling out of bed at 05:30 in the morning, and every time I sit down here looking at the WTM message boards I'm still winning.:001_smile:

I'm sorry to say this, but if I had a dh who always insisted on his way or the highway, I'd hand him the car keys and tell him to hit the road.

 

I'd like to do the same, but my husband wouldn't budge from his house, so then what would happen? Maybe that would happen at your house, but not mine.

 

I'm not saying you don't compromise when you can, but when there's an important issue (like homeschooling, in Scarlett's case,) why would you back down when you know you're right? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

Cat

 

Edited to add: I'm not saying you don't back down and compromise when you're deciding what's for dinner or what color to paint the living room, but Scarlett's situation is entirely different, and it really looks like she is trying everything possible to listen to her dh and find out what is really going on inside his head. The problem is that he isn't open to discussion, and that's why I think she will eventually have to just make her own decision and let her dh learn to deal with it.

 

 

I understand what you mean. My independent side wholeheartedly agrees with you. But we're all looking at it from the huge homeschool advocate side. It hasn't really been his way or the highway. Scarlett has been home with her son for several years while he's worked (so they could stay home). Now, that's not to say she hasn't worked. We all work, and I dare say we never really quit working. But I do appreciate my husband getting out of bed on those cold dark mornings and going to work so I don't have to.

 

In our views Scarlett is totally right, I agree. But the husband still has a say so, even if he isn't expressing himself well. My point is simply that we don't live with her man, men are different, so we just don't know what he's thinking or how he feels. My husband CAN be easy going, but when he's in one of his moods then it really is like hitting a brick wall. So while some of your husbands might not put up a fight, some still will. And if I said it's homeschooling or you are outa here...well my husband would really be outa here. Then I'd be stuck hoping that child support would be enough to support me, but it probably wouldn't.

 

I am not trying at all to argue on this, I just wanted to show you a different view. I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone's feelings here.

 

Alison

[Alison in KY]

Scarlett, hang in there. I hope you understand my post. I am definitely NOT choosing his side. You will have to decide how far you need to take this. I'm hoping things will settle down. Maybe you could let it drop for awhile and just see what happens.

 

Alison

[Danestress]

I have a very low conflict marriage and DH generally agree sincerely on most things. We are quite lucky. And *thank God* he is a great fan of homeschooling.

 

But if I wanted to homeschool and he didn't, we could spend a lot of times on each other's "needs" but ultimately, the issue might not be our "needs." It might be a true philosophical difference on what each of us thinks is the right way to raise our children. Even if I give him lots of respect and he gives me lots of love and we meet all the other "needs" on the list, couldn't we still just honestly not agree on the right educational plan?

 

Ultimately he might agree to let me homeschool, but wouldn't the "enthusiastic" part just be faking? Unless he genuinely changed his mind, but that isn't always possible. And if I agreed to send them to school after long discussions and an inability to find a perfect compromise, I can't say I would feel enthusiastic. I might fake enthusiastic for the sake of the children, but I really doubt I would feel enthusiastic, even if I did believe that conceding that to DH was the right thing for our marriage.

 

I guess I just find it confusing.

[Mama Anna]

Scarlett,

 

I really appreciate that you're aware of which hills you're ready to die on - and that this case doesn't cover one of them. Keep your priorities straight and don't let our opinions/suggestions/comments change them. After all, you're the one that will have to live the with consequences of your actions. And may God grant you wisdom!

 

:grouphug:

Mama Anna

[Scarlett]

I guess I'm missing something here, because if you never "shove back," how is life ever fair for you? Why should one person always win, just because he's "one of those types?"

 

I'm sorry to say this, but if I had a dh who always insisted on his way or the highway, I'd hand him the car keys and tell him to hit the road.

 

I'm not saying you don't compromise when you can, but when there's an important issue (like homeschooling, in Scarlett's case,) why would you back down when you know you're right? It doesn't make sense to me.Cat

 

As Allison says further down, if I handed my dh the car keys and told him to hit the road.....he would think that was hilarious. How do you suppose I could make my husband leave our home---even if I wanted to? It would require a court order.

 

My husband is not controlling in the sense that many controlling men are. He doesn't micromanage my spending, he doesn't care where I go or with whom, he doesn't try to isolate me. He rarely asks anything of me (I do a lot for him though...so he doesn't have to ask much.....however, when we do not agree on a subject....he is totally unable to be reasonable--IMO.

 

Knowing him like I do, I think his issues are that he wants our son to be more like everyone else. And I don't. Those are ideological differences that will never come together. I am VERY familiar with Harley's POJA, but let me tell you, it doesn't always work.

 

I have been married for 25 1/2 years. My husband is a good man and a good father and he has many qualities that I admire. When Allison talks about not 'shoving back', she knows what she is talking about. It is 'a mild answer turns aside rage.' And it is letting him know that I am willing to honor his wish for something in order to help our marriage. I could hear him soften when I told him I had not gone on and signed ds up. The 'steam rolling' approach just makes him more stubborn.

 

School won't kill my son. Dh will not make him stay in if he is miserable. Ds has amazing reasoning skills and is not afraid to tell his Dad exactly what he thinks. So although I think it is ridiculous to go through this exercise of sticking ds in public school and thereby losing my spot in the VA....well, I might have to bend.

Edited March 30, 2009 by Scarlett
ETA: Typo

[Catwoman]

I understand what you mean. My independent side wholeheartedly agrees with you. But we're all looking at it from the huge homeschool advocate side. It hasn't really been his way or the highway. Scarlett has been home with her son for several years while he's worked (so they could stay home). Now, that's not to say she hasn't worked. We all work, and I dare say we never really quit working. But I do appreciate my husband getting out of bed on those cold dark mornings and going to work so I don't have to.

 

In our views Scarlett is totally right, I agree. But the husband still has a say so, even if he isn't expressing himself well. My point is simply that we don't live with her man, men are different, so we just don't know what he's thinking or how he feels. My husband CAN be easy going, but when he's in one of his moods then it really is like hitting a brick wall. So while some of your husbands might not put up a fight, some still will. And if I said it's homeschooling or you are outa here...well my husband would really be outa here. Then I'd be stuck hoping that child support would be enough to support me, but it probably wouldn't.

 

I am not trying at all to argue on this, I just wanted to show you a different view. I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone's feelings here.

 

Alison

 

Thanks for your post, Alison -- I think I got the wrong impression from your earlier post, and I apologize for being so critical!

 

Cat

[Alison in KY]

Cat, I didn't think you were being critical at all. And don't think I haven't thought everything you posted....it has just taken me about 14 years to figure out what works and what doesn't around my house...and I still miss the mark way too much:D.

 

Alison

[Jenny in Florida]

They might be the children of both - but there's usually one parent who knows the kids ~ and their needs ~ much better than the other, mainly because they spend so much more time with the kids. ;)

 

And how in the bright blue blazes do two people "enthusiastically agree" on something they have completely opposite ideas about? :001_huh:

 

I wondered that, too. I can't imagine "enthusiastic agreement" in this situation.

 

(By the way, I've been reading this thread since the beginning and thinking good thoughts for Scarlett. I've been hesitant to respond, because I know I would be coming at this from a very different place.)

 

If it helps at all, I can tell you that, in situations in which my husband and I don't agree, the decision gets made by the person who cares more. This doesn't mean that one person can "win" simply by being louder. It means that, if we've talked about it and both have actual reasoned positions and still can't agree, whoever feels more strongly carries the day.

 

When it comes to the kids, my husband almost always defers to me, because he knows it is my area of expertise. He's a good dad, but he's not nearly as involved with the kids on a day-to-day basis as I am. Nor has he read the parenting and education books I have. So, when push comes to shove, most of the time, I get the tie-breaking vote.

 

And sometimes, often, he'll end up realizing later that I was right. And sometimes, he even tells me so.

 

But "enthusiastic agreement?" There are some things about which it's just not going to happen.

[Jenny in Florida]

Then I brought up circumcision. He was very opinionated and pro circumcision. UNTIL he read the book. I asked him to just read the 1st four chapters. That was all it took.

 

That's funny. We had a similar experience. When we found out we were having a boy the second time around, I initially put the question of circumcision in my husband's court. I told him a decision needed to be made and that I thought he was more qualified to make it.

 

He at first said he figured we should go ahead and do it, unless I had some information that would cause him to re-examine. I did some quick research and came up with a couple of articles that made me question the wisdom of it. I shared them with my husband, who (I'm sure) skimmed them. He then asked me to discuss it with the pediatrician, who said he didn't think it was necessary.

 

My husband changed his mind, and we didn't circumcize.

 

Homeschooling was kind of the same thing. I did a lot of reading and research before I even suggested it. My husband was hesitant. I shared with him what I had read. He solicited an outside opinion (his mom), and we decided to give it a try.

 

Obviously, though, this is not the model that Scarlett has in her marriage. So, that ship has sailed.

 

Scarlett: Can you think of any other similar conflicts in your marriage? How did those get resolved?

[Catwoman]

...and I still miss the mark way too much:D.

 

LOL!!! I know that feeling, Alison! :D

 

Cat

[SnowWhite]

In my home, this comment came up once (sort of half heartedly). In a heartbeat I let Dh know that *if* our hs was not good enough for ds, he would most definitely be footing the bill for a Christian school. In my not so humble opinion, that is the least he can do to provide a quality education if the quality education already being provided does not meet his approval.

[Catwoman]

If it helps at all, I can tell you that, in situations in which my husband and I don't agree, the decision gets made by the person who cares more. This doesn't mean that one person can "win" simply by being louder. It means that, if we've talked about it and both have actual reasoned positions and still can't agree, whoever feels more strongly carries the day.

 

When it comes to the kids, my husband almost always defers to me, because he knows it is my area of expertise. He's a good dad, but he's not nearly as involved with the kids on a day-to-day basis as I am. Nor has he read the parenting and education books I have. So, when push comes to shove, most of the time, I get the tie-breaking vote.

 

That's what usually happens in our house, too. We never really get "loud," though, which I think helps a lot. We're both calm when it comes to the important stuff, and I was raised in a "non-yelling" household, so I am not one to tolerate someone raising their voice to me. I just don't think it's necessary, and I won't try to hold a discussion with someone who can't control their emotions.

 

Cat

[katemary63]

In a heartbeat I let Dh know that *if* our hs was not good enough for ds, he would most definitely be footing the bill for a Christian school. In my not so humble opinion, that is the least he can do to provide a quality education if the quality education already being provided does not meet his approval.

 

This is where we would be if DH and I did not agree on homeschooling. Like I have said in a couple of posts, public school would simply not be on the list of options. I would just go back to work and pay for private school if that is what it would take.

[Catwoman]

I have been married for 25 1/2 years. My husband is a good man and a good father and he has many qualities that I admire. When Allison talks about not 'shoving back', she knows what she is talking about. It is 'a mild answer turns aside rage.' And it is letting him know that I am willing to honor his wish for something in order to help our marriage. I could hear him soften when I told him I had not gone on and signed ds up. The 'steam rolling' approach just makes him more stubborn.

 

School won't kill my son. Dh will not make him stay in if he is miserable. Ds has amazing reasoning skills and is not afraid to tell his Dad exactly what he thinks. So although I think it is ridiculous to go through this exercise of sticking ds in public school and thereby losing my spot in the VA....well, I might have to bend.

 

It makes me sad to hear that you are thinking of backing down on this, as it is obviously so important to you.

 

School won't kill your son, but will it be better for him than homeschooling? Will it make him happy? Will it make you happy? Will it give him a better education?

 

Are you honestly sure that your dh won't make your ds stay in school if he is miserable? The thought of school is making both you and your ds miserable right now, and your dh doesn't seem to care a bit about that. I would feel awful if I thought my dh wasn't considering my feelings and those of my ds, and it's pretty clear by your dh's lack of response to your emails, his refusal to have a civilized discussion, and his refusal to read a few pages of a book, that he has very little respect for your feelings, and he doesn't really care if you are terribly upset, as long as he gets his way.

 

I hope you stay strong, and that you don't give up and you don't give in to sending your ds to ps. A good marriage isn't achieved by always "honoring his wish" in order to help your marriage. When will it be your dh's turn to honor YOUR wishes and those of your ds?

 

Cat

[Scarlett]

It makes me sad to hear that you are thinking of backing down on this, as it is obviously so important to you.

 

School won't kill your son, but will it be better for him than homeschooling? Will it make him happy? Will it make you happy? Will it give him a better education?

 

Oh to be sure I don't think it is best for him!

 

Are you honestly sure that your dh won't make your ds stay in school if he is miserable? The thought of school is making both you and your ds miserable right now, and your dh doesn't seem to care a bit about that. I would feel awful if I thought my dh wasn't considering my feelings and those of my ds, and it's pretty clear by your dh's lack of response to your emails, his refusal to have a civilized discussion, and his refusal to read a few pages of a book, that he has very little respect for your feelings, and he doesn't really care if you are terribly upset, as long as he gets his way.

 

Well, it would appear that way. In reality, dh doesn't respond because that is just the way he is. He often ignores me. I think he answers in his head and thinks he has answered me. Or can't bear to have to tell me what he thinks. He just doesn't want to deal with it.

 

I hope you stay strong, and that you don't give up and you don't give in to sending your ds to ps. A good marriage isn't achieved by always "honoring his wish" in order to help your marriage. When will it be your dh's turn to honor YOUR wishes and those of your ds? Cat

 

My dh's answer to that is that he has deferred to me with regards to all things ds for 9 years. And it is true. I've homeschooled him through grade 3. That is no small thing.

[Catwoman]

I think he answers in his head and thinks he has answered me.

 

:lol: I have to laugh at that, because sometimes I swear my dh does the same thing, and when I ask him the same question again later, he looks at me like I'm getting senile, because he's sure he answered me!

 

Cat

[Erica in PA]

This is where we would be if DH and I did not agree on homeschooling. Like I have said in a couple of posts, public school would simply not be on the list of options. I would just go back to work and pay for private school if that is what it would take.

 

I agree. I think it would be very difficult to make a well-reasoned case that public school is the very best educational option, better than both homeschooling and private schooling.

[Catwoman]

My dh's answer to that is that he has deferred to me with regards to all things ds for 9 years. And it is true. I've homeschooled him through grade 3. That is no small thing.

 

You're absolutely right about that!

 

I guess the biggest problem I see is that you seem to have done everything right, so there doesn't seem to be an adequate reason for your dh to stop deferring to you on the issue of how to educate your ds. If he were being rational instead of emotional, with a laundry list of valid complaints about how you weren't doing a good job as a homeschool mom, I would definitely be able to see his side of the argument.

 

As it is, though, it seems like he wants your ds in school because he wants your ds in school, with no real explanation as to why he wants it. I wish he would at least discuss the idea of continuing to homeschool while adding some more "masculine" activities and group activities to help alleviate your dh's concerns about ds spending too much time with you.

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

I agree. I think it would be very difficult to make a well-reasoned case that public school is the very best educational option, better than both homeschooling and private schooling.

 

I agree. Public school simply would not be an option under any circumstances, even though our school system is highly regarded.

 

Cat

[Pink Fairy]

I'm glad that you are trying to change your dh's mind, but I think you're right that this isn't a hill to die on. In the end, no amount of homeschooling is going to make up to your son for the pain of having warring parents or (God forbid!) divorced parents. Yes, your dh is being...unreasonable (no husband bashing here :001_smile:), but that's just how some people are. If you've been married for 25 years, I doubt you're completely shocked that he's doing this ;). I guess I just wanted to say that your attitude seems like the right one for the situation, and I hope and pray that your dh will yield to your better judgment. :grouphug:

[Alison in KY]

Scarlett,

 

I really appreciate that you're aware of which hills you're ready to die on - and that this case doesn't cover one of them. Keep your priorities straight and don't let our opinions/suggestions/comments change them. After all, you're the one that will have to live the with consequences of your actions. And may God grant you wisdom!

 

:grouphug:

Mama Anna

 

:iagree:

[Harriet Vane]

I'm glad that you are trying to change your dh's mind, but I think you're right that this isn't a hill to die on. In the end, no amount of homeschooling is going to make up to your son for the pain of having warring parents or (God forbid!) divorced parents. :grouphug:

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Erica in PA]

In the end, no amount of homeschooling is going to make up to your son for the pain of having warring parents or (God forbid!) divorced parents.

 

This is true, but I will also add that the reverse is also true: that sending a child to public school will not save a troubled marriage, either. The problems between husband and wife, and the way you relate to one another, communicate, respect one another, etc., need to be addressed, no matter which path of education you choose for your son... or else this won't be the last time that decisions are made for your son that are not based on what is in his best interest. Sending him to school next year may be a bandaid for the current problem, but it's not the solution.

[Pink Fairy]

This is true, but I will also add that the reverse is also true: that sending a child to public school will not save a troubled marriage, either. The problems between husband and wife, and the way you relate to one another, communicate, respect one another, etc., need to be addressed, no matter which path of education you choose for your son... or else this won't be the last time that decisions are made for your son that are not based on what is in his best interest. Sending him to school next year may be a bandaid for the current problem, but it's not the solution.

 

 

I agree with you, Erica. I doubt this is a one issue problem, although it may be the worst manifestation. I hope Scarlett and her dh are able to come to an understanding, so that they can communicate to each other what they feel is best for their son. At this point, he's not even listening to her. From what Scarlett says, it sounds like the underlying problem has nothing to do with homeschooling. Once that problem is addressed, I imagine homeschooling will be back on the table.