Dh wants ds9 in school

[MrsMe]

<<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

 

I've been crying all morning.

 

This can be done in 1 month at a school. He'd be introduced to more change in different environments by homeschooling. My dd can talk better and mingle with any child and adult anywhere, anytime. I know this because others compliment me on this often. If she wants another hamburger at McDonalds, she goes up and places her own order (she's 8). Someone in a checkout line talks to her she can reciprocate the conversation. We go to a park and she'll play with any kid who wants to play, doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl. We go out to friends house and she can comfortably be with adults or child or both. Change can't and won't happen in a school full of the same kids day after day. I don't understand that school would be a "different" environment to make this change happen.

 

Are there other issues, because the statement really doesn't make much sense.

[Erica in PA]

 

I guess I could dig in my heels and press on defiantly and alone with hs'ling. I just want more than that.

 

No, no, I understand that, and it's not at all what I am recommending. But I think what most of us here have been saying is, maybe if you approach the situation logically and rationally and with evidence to back up your claims, you will help your dh understand the situation better, and come up with a compromise that addresses his concerns as well. It's possible that with the facts on your side, you may be able to win dh over to your viewpoint. That would be the goal, that you could both be happy with how you educate your son-- and I think it's a goal that is worth going through some conflict to reach.

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe your son needs to speak up. I'm sure he has reasons for not wanting to go to school and would be willing to go and do various other activities that might combat your hubby's concern. Maybe not, since he's only a little kid, but I did things like that when I was little. I was a rather horrible child though...

 

Rosie

[Scarlett]

Maybe your son needs to speak up. I'm sure he has reasons for not wanting to go to school and would be willing to go and do various other activities that might combat your hubby's concern. Maybe not, since he's only a little kid, but I did things like that when I was little. I was a rather horrible child though...

 

Rosie

 

Oh, ds is very vocal...LOL Unfortunately he tends to lists reason like

 

I want to stay with Mom

I wouldn't get to sleep in

I would have to sit and wait quietly while others finish their work

School gets finished so late....I like to be done by noon (we actually are rarely finished by noon because well, he likes to sleep in)

 

So dh stiffens up when ds starts giving what he believes are invalid reasons for ds to want to stay at home.

[Scarlett]

This can be done in 1 month at a school. He'd be introduced to more change in different environments by homeschooling. My dd can talk better and mingle with any child and adult anywhere, anytime. I know this because others compliment me on this often. If she wants another hamburger at McDonalds, she goes up and places her own order (she's 8). Someone in a checkout line talks to her she can reciprocate the conversation. We go to a park and she'll play with any kid who wants to play, doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl. We go out to friends house and she can comfortably be with adults or child or both. Change can't and won't happen in a school full of the same kids day after day. I don't understand that school would be a "different" environment to make this change happen.

 

Are there other issues, because the statement really doesn't make much sense.

 

Your first paragraph perfectly described my son, 'M'am. Can I trade this Happy Meal Toy in? I already have it. Sir, how much is water? Free! Great! May I have a water please.' He is just so...perfect. :D

 

Ok, from dh's POV ds's weaknesses are that he is easily frustrated when things don't go his way. He whines when he is tired. He loves his Momma. :) But honestly *I* don't think he is overly attached to me. He likes his Dad too....but say we are talking a walk down the street....if ds walks up next to me and puts his arm around me and we walk abit like that down the street....dh gets all wound up...'get off your mom. Don't be hanging on her like a two year old.'

 

I noticed at services the last few times that ds has began to stand straight and tall during prayer instead of hanging all over me. I hope that is a natural progression of growing up (because I see him glancing at a little girl a couple rows over) and not some neurosis that dh has planted in his little head.

 

Anyway, I think the non-sensical email to me (yes I thought it was several lines saying not much) came from ds expressing fear of going to school. That night several months ago when dh calmly said, 'you're going to school next year.' Ds FREAKED out. Cried and wailed...and really it was just over the top. I spent an hour comforting him and discussing the fear....and in the end I told him if he had to go to school he would be just fine...and that honestly I thought ps was best for him I wouldn't let him stay out just because he was afraid of the unknown. And I talked to him about other things he had been fearful of and then did fine with.

 

I think I am rambling....oh my point is that when ds had that kind of reaction it just solidified to dh that ds needs 'more'. Or something. I absolutely do not agree. Ds just had a drama moment and there is a little...maybe a lot of apprehension about going to school. I told dh and ds though that I went to public school K-12 and every. single. year I was afraid walking in the doors. Maybe not my Senior year.....but every year I was fearful of many things. I am sure it contributed to my mediocre academics. I was so paralyzed by fear I couldn't think straight.

 

Ok. You all have convinced me to be a little more forceful....but I have difficulty in the balance department. I"m either, 'Are you out of your mind!' or 'whatever you say' (while I boil inside). Yeah. I have issues. :)

[Tree House Academy]

....but say we are talking a walk down the street....if ds walks up next to me and puts his arm around me and we walk abit like that down the street....dh gets all wound up...'get off your mom. Don't be hanging on her like a two year old.'

 

When our kids do this, my dh and I smile at each other and enjoy that our family has this closeness. You dh sounds...jealous...to me. :confused:

[Scarlett]

When our kids do this, my dh and I smile at each other and enjoy that our family has this closeness. You dh sounds...jealous...to me. :confused:

 

I know. But I'm not sure it is jealousy....or a fear that ds is a momma's boy. I'm :confused: too.

 

I've composed an email to him....I'd like feed back if anyone wants to add or help me edit.

[Scarlett]

I've composed an email to him....I'd like feed back if anyone wants to add or help me edit.

 

What do you think of this--everyone.

 

<I appreciate you being willing to discuss this with me. I do want to hear out your concerns and together agree to do what is best for ds9.

 

I know that when he is told he will have to go to school he expresses fear and anxiety. He did the same thing when he started piano and swim. He is a cautious child with a tender personality. That doesn't mean he is a wimp. When change is required he does it. I just matter of factly tell him, 'yes I know this is hard or fearful, but it must be done.'

 

However, I do not believe we should insist he do something just for the sake of the change so that he can survive it. Surely there should be something truly beneficial on the other side. I am totally convinced that public school would not be in ds's best interest. He is thriving academically and socially. He is a good sweet, happy boy with big questions, big thoughts and a thirst for learning new things. I receive so many compliments on him-both directly TO me and TO him and also to others about him who pass the compliments along. Things I consistently hear are that he is polite and kind and goes out of his way to get along with others of all ages. He is articulate---able to express his feelings and needs in a manner far beyond his years. He has no trouble meeting new people and making friends wherever he goes. You said not long ago that he was the most sociable kid you've ever known.

 

From an academic standpoint -you've seen his tests scores. They could not be any better. That last test he took over the net (that he felt was so difficult) he scored a 98 and 97 percentile in Language and Math. It was a test given by K12 which is widely regarded to have a rigorous curriculum. That is just outstanding. You know -just in carrying on a conversation with him -that he is learning many things well. He reads aloud in public better than most adults. People are astounded at his reading ability. He is fluent and strong in his public reading.

 

There are practical considerations as well. None of us would like being tied to a public school schedule and be told what we can and can not do with our family. You now have 3 weeks of vacation a year. How nice to be able to take this week off to go to WDW next month when the crowds are light and the weather great. They just passed a new law that every district in the state will have the same spring break next year. We have so enjoyed our spring and fall trips to Silver Dollar City---last year we did one with (friends) and one with you and one with my parents. All 3 were when other kids were in school. I cannot fathom what SDC will be like during Spring Break 2010.

 

There is the sleep issue. Ds9 requires 10 hours of sleep per night. If he has to leave for school by 6:45 on the bus, he would have to be up by 6:00. That means he would have to be asleep by 8:00 each night. Many nights you do not even get home until 7:00 or later. He is at the age now that he really needs time with his dad and I think school will only hinder that.

 

I know I can't see all there is to see about ds9. I know that you see things from a man's point of view that I don't. So if you have specific areas of concern...discipline issues, respect issues, drama issues...then let's work together to eliminate those qualities in him. And if there are other things that are bothering you let's discuss them and brainstorm ways he can get what is best for him all around. Public school will not make him a better person. We can though--especially if we work together.

 

Those are my thoughts on the issue. What are yours?

 

Love,

 

XX>>

 

Are my reaons too lame? Too selfish? Are there some big points I've forgotten to include?

 

Thanks.

[Melinda in VT]

Scarlett, if your DH thinks public school will cure drama in a 9yo, would he like to meet my 9yo daughter? :lol: She's been in ps since she was 4, and she can out-drama the best of them.

 

Oh, and on the holding your hand in public issue. Totally normal at that age. My 13yo son was the same way--as were all of his friends. And I wouldn't describe any of them as mama's boys.

[elegantlion]

I like your e-mail. I liked how you put the part in about bedtime.

 

My ds is not a morning person and my dh works long hours as well. A big part of homeschooling is the joy I have in knowing that ds can spend time with his dad in the evening. His bedtime is currently 10pm. If he were in public school it would be much earlier.

 

Last night they went out at 8pm to go get some accessories for a new lawn mower. They got home at 9:30 and stayed up watching a movie. It's after 8 here and ds is still asleep. It is simply more important for our family that he spend time with his dad than be on a yellow bus at 7:30am.

 

:grouphug:

[Tammyla]

Scarlett,

 

Most of these are things you can change by implementing a schedule (now) since they are raising your dh's anxiety.

 

A schedule now, would also help prepare your ds if a public school schedule does come about in the fall.

 

I've read your letter, I do hope you and dh can work this out.

 

Oh, ds is very vocal...LOL Unfortunately he tends to lists reason like

 

I want to stay with Mom

I wouldn't get to sleep in

I would have to sit and wait quietly while others finish their work

School gets finished so late....I like to be done by noon (we actually are rarely finished by noon because well, he likes to sleep in)

 

So dh stiffens up when ds starts giving what he believes are invalid reasons for ds to want to stay at home.

[Scarlett]

Scarlett,

 

Most of these are things you can change by implementing a schedule (now) since they are raising your dh's anxiety.

 

A schedule now, would also help prepare your ds if a public school schedule does come about in the fall.

 

I've read your letter, I do hope you and dh can work this out.

 

Oh, I only meant dh doesn't think these are good enough reasons to hs. I don't think he cares that ds goes to bed at 10:00 and gets up at 8:00. Or like today....Went to sleep by 9:00 and is still sleeping at 8:24.

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, if your DH thinks public school will cure drama in a 9yo, would he like to meet my 9yo daughter? :lol: She's been in ps since she was 4, and she can out-drama the best of them.

 

Oh, and on the holding your hand in public issue. Totally normal at that age. My 13yo son was the same way--as were all of his friends. And I wouldn't describe any of them as mama's boys.

 

Yeah, that was me as well. I was a ps kid from K-12....ds comes by the drama honestly. And btw, his dad is no quiet little thing.

[JudoMom]

What do you think of this--everyone.

 

<I appreciate you being willing to discuss this with me. I do want to hear out your concerns and together agree to do what is best for ds9.

 

I know that when he is told he will have to go to school he expresses fear and anxiety. He did the same thing when he started piano and swim. He is a cautious child with a tender personality. That doesn't mean he is a wimp. When change is required he does it. I just matter of factly tell him, 'yes I know this is hard or fearful, but it must be done.'

 

However, I do not believe we should insist he do something just for the sake of the change so that he can survive it. Surely there should be something truly beneficial on the other side. I am totally convinced that public school would not be in ds's best interest. He is thriving academically and socially. He is a good sweet, happy boy with big questions, big thoughts and a thirst for learning new things. I receive so many compliments on him-both directly TO me and TO him and also to others about him who pass the compliments along. Things I consistently hear are that he is polite and kind and goes out of his way to get along with others of all ages. He is articulate---able to express his feelings and needs in a manner far beyond his years. He has no trouble meeting new people and making friends wherever he goes. You said not long ago that he was the most sociable kid you've ever known.

 

From an academic standpoint -you've seen his tests scores. They could not be any better. That last test he took over the net (that he felt was so difficult) he scored a 98 and 97 percentile in Language and Math. It was a test given by K12 which is widely regarded to have a rigorous curriculum. That is just outstanding. You know -just in carrying on a conversation with him -that he is learning many things well. He reads aloud in public better than most adults. People are astounded at his reading ability. He is fluent and strong in his public reading.

 

There are practical considerations as well. None of us would like being tied to a public school schedule and be told what we can and can not do with our family. You now have 3 weeks of vacation a year. How nice to be able to take this week off to go to WDW next month when the crowds are light and the weather great. They just passed a new law that every district in the state will have the same spring break next year. We have so enjoyed our spring and fall trips to Silver Dollar City---last year we did one with (friends) and one with you and one with my parents. All 3 were when other kids were in school. I cannot fathom what SDC will be like during Spring Break 2010.

 

There is the sleep issue. Ds9 requires 10 hours of sleep per night. If he has to leave for school by 6:45 on the bus, he would have to be up by 6:00. That means he would have to be asleep by 8:00 each night. Many nights you do not even get home until 7:00 or later. He is at the age now that he really needs time with his dad and I think school will only hinder that.

 

I know I can't see all there is to see about ds9. I know that you see things from a man's point of view that I don't. So if you have specific areas of concern...discipline issues, respect issues, drama issues...then let's work together to eliminate those qualities in him. And if there are other things that are bothering you let's discuss them and brainstorm ways he can get what is best for him all around. Public school will not make him a better person. We can though--especially if we work together.

 

Those are my thoughts on the issue. What are yours?

 

Love,

 

XX>>

 

Are my reaons too lame? Too selfish? Are there some big points I've forgotten to include?

 

Thanks.

 

I think you've done a good job.

 

However, I would include some alternatives to ps that would fill the voids that your dh sees: for example, a co-op that meets weekly (then your ds could be taught by someone other than you), Boy Scouts (they do "manly" stuff), etc. Men tend to like specifics that will address the problems, and I think it would be beneficial if you provided some that would work with homeschooling right off the bat.

[Mama Anna]

I DO care about his opinion. And I want to hear his REAL concerns.

 

Do you think that if you gave him opportunity (no emotional reaction, no way you'll let it escalate) to voice his concerns, that he could actually articulate them?

 

Since he already knows that you are on the opposite side of the fence from where he is, I don't think it would be absolutely necessary (now I'll get slammed :D) to state your position first. Even if he doesn't have all the arguments in a logical, non-emotional setup, it seems he's perfectly aware of where you stand. What if you were to ask him for his concerns first, in a logical, non-emotional medium - either written or spoken? Then you could clarify anything you don't understand (without reading anything into it or replying in defense of your position) until you can list his "REAL concerns" back to him in a way that he accepts as being accurate. This might have two benefits: you would be able to know what he's really worried about and he would feel listened to, which might put him more in the mood to reciprocate.

 

Any chance?

 

Mama Anna

[Tammyla]

I think you've done a good job.

 

However, I would include some alternatives to ps that would fill the voids that your dh sees: for example, a co-op that meets weekly (then your ds could be taught by someone other than you), Boy Scouts (they do "manly" stuff), etc. Men tend to like specifics that will address the problems, and I think it would be beneficial if you provided some that would work with homeschooling right off the bat.

 

:iagree:

[Scarlett]

I think you've done a good job.

 

However, I would include some alternatives to ps that would fill the voids that your dh sees: for example, a co-op that meets weekly (then your ds could be taught by someone other than you), Boy Scouts (they do "manly" stuff), etc. Men tend to like specifics that will address the problems, and I think it would be beneficial if you provided some that would work with homeschooling right off the bat.

 

This was dh's email to me earlier this week

 

<<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

He didn't mention any other reason for wanting to hs him....so I'm holding a few things back so that I can bring them out to counteract any further concerns he has.

[Scarlett]

Do you think that if you gave him opportunity (no emotional reaction, no way you'll let it escalate) to voice his concerns, that he could actually articulate them?

 

Since he already knows that you are on the opposite side of the fence from where he is, I don't think it would be absolutely necessary (now I'll get slammed :D) to state your position first. Even if he doesn't have all the arguments in a logical, non-emotional setup, it seems he's perfectly aware of where you stand. What if you were to ask him for his concerns first, in a logical, non-emotional medium - either written or spoken? Then you could clarify anything you don't understand (without reading anything into it or replying in defense of your position) until you can list his "REAL concerns" back to him in a way that he accepts as being accurate. This might have two benefits: you would be able to know what he's really worried about and he would feel listened to, which might put him more in the mood to reciprocate.

 

Any chance?

 

Mama Anna

 

You mean....instead of sending the email I just posted? :confused:

 

That is sort of my thinking on not offering up specific solutions until he presents me with specific issues and concerns.

 

Are you saying I should scrape the email and just start fresh asking him what his concerns are? He already gave me the concern of ds needing to 'face his fears' and 'do change'. I'm sort of waiting to hear if he has more concerns.

[JudoMom]

This was dh's email to me earlier this week

 

<<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

He didn't mention any other reason for wanting to hs him....so I'm holding a few things back so that I can bring them out to counteract any further concerns he has.

 

It sounds like you both have ds9's best interest at heart. I also wanted to let you know that I respect and appreciate the way you are approaching the situation. :grouphug: to you, Scarlett.

[Mama Anna]

Scarlett,

 

Umm . . . well, is there anything in the email of which he is not already aware? Is there anything in it (other than the presentation, which seems nice and unemotional) that would change his present position? Or could you maybe instead make some type of deal where you ask for his side, clarify, clarify, clarify, and then (when HE says you have it down), you get to present yours? Some of your reasoning might change depending on how your understanding of his position changes.

 

(Part of this is from personal experience in my marriage where I work up a great defense of a position, give it all to dh, repeating my strongest points several times, and then find out that most of it is wasted breath because what I'm defending is not what he's concerned about. However, the negative emotion created by my emotional defense clouds the issue and makes things a lot harder.)

 

Your quote of his email reads, <<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

So, sample questions to clarify might be something like, "What do you mean by a different environment?" (And to the reply "Public School," you could ask, "What is it about the environment of public school that would make his experience there especially valuable?" Then, if I were you, I'd have to majorly reign myself in to avoid jumping on him for whatever his reply is.:) You have to accept whatever he says as his perspective no matter how wrong it seems to you if you're going to see the issue from his angle and understand where he's coming from.) Another possibility might be "What specific symptoms do you see that make you believe he is afraid of change?" (Maybe, after a reply, followed by, "What kinds of attitudes/symptoms/etc. do you want to see in order to feel that he has become comfortable with change - what are we shooting for here?"

 

I don't know what the history is, whether this idea would be able to keep the emotions low-key, or whether he would be willing to even participate. But I read your concern about really wanting to know where he stands on the issue, and it made me think of this.

 

HTH!

 

Mama Anna

Edited March 27, 2009 by Mama Anna

[rafiki]

.

[Catwoman]

Scarlett, as one who has been following this thread from the very beginning, I can honestly say I LOVE your email -- it's well thought-out and I think it's quite specific. I also like knowing that you're holding back on presenting a little of your ammunition so you'll have some new support for your position if you need it.

 

I have to say that when I read your description of your ds, you could have been describing my ds -- all the way down to politely exchanging his Happy Meal toys, and putting his arm around you when you're walking down the street!

 

If you think your dh is in a receptive mood, send the email; otherwise wait until the time is right. I might also suggest that, if you think your dh is going to say that your ds isn't like other boys his age, you may want to start a new thread about what's normal behavior for a 9yo boy, and we can all post to it, so you can show your dh that your ds is definitely normal -- complete with meltdowns and wanting to sleep late and hugging his mom a lot!

 

I think you have made amazing strides in organizing your thoughts since this thread first started, and it seems like you're now in a position to stand your ground and debate intelligently about this situation. (Actually, I think you always were, but you were too upset to realize it!)

 

The more I hear about your ds, the more I truly believe that hs is the best place for him, and I can't imagine that your dh could possibly have a good enough reason for sending him to school.

 

Good luck, and :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Scarlett]

Scarlett,

 

Umm . . . well, is there anything in the email of which he is not already aware? Is there anything in it (other than the presentation, which seems nice and unemotional) that would change his present position? Or could you maybe instead make some type of deal where you ask for his side, clarify, clarify, clarify, and then (when HE says you have it down), you get to present yours? Some of your reasoning might change depending on how your understanding of his position changes.

 

(Part of this is from personal experience in my marriage where I work up a great defense of a position, give it all to dh, repeating my strongest points several times, and then find out that most of it is wasted breath because what I'm defending is not what he's concerned about. However, the negative emotion created by my emotional defense clouds the issue and makes things a lot harder.)

 

Your quote of his email reads, <<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

So, sample questions to clarify might be something like, "What do you mean by a different environment?" (And to the reply "Public School," you could ask, "What is it about the environment of public school that would make his experience there especially valuable?" Then, if I were you, I'd have to majorly reign myself in to avoid jumping on him for whatever his reply is.:) You have to accept whatever he says as his perspective no matter how wrong it seems to you if you're going to see the issue from his angle and understand where he's coming from.) Another possibility might be "What specific symptoms do you see that make you believe he is afraid of change?" (Maybe, after a reply, followed by, "What kinds of attitudes/symptoms/etc. do you want to see in order to feel that he has become comfortable with change - what are we shooting for here?"

 

I don't know what the history is, whether this idea would be able to keep the emotions low-key, or whether he would be willing to even participate. But I read your concern about really wanting to know where he stands on the issue, and it made me think of this.

 

HTH!

 

Mama Anna

 

It does help! Thank you!

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, as one who has been following this thread from the very beginning, I can honestly say I LOVE your email -- it's well thought-out and I think it's quite specific. I also like knowing that you're holding back on presenting a little of your ammunition so you'll have some new support for your position if you need it.

 

I have to say that when I read your description of your ds, you could have been describing my ds -- all the way down to politely exchanging his Happy Meal toys, and putting his arm around you when you're walking down the street!

 

If you think your dh is in a receptive mood, send the email; otherwise wait until the time is right. I might also suggest that, if you think your dh is going to say that your ds isn't like other boys his age, you may want to start a new thread about what's normal behavior for a 9yo boy, and we can all post to it, so you can show your dh that your ds is definitely normal -- complete with meltdowns and wanting to sleep late and hugging his mom a lot!

 

I think you have made amazing strides in organizing your thoughts since this thread first started, and it seems like you're now in a position to stand your ground and debate intelligently about this situation. (Actually, I think you always were, but you were too upset to realize it!)

 

The more I hear about your ds, the more I truly believe that hs is the best place for him, and I can't imagine that your dh could possibly have a good enough reason for sending him to school.

 

Good luck, and :grouphug:

 

Cat

 

Thank you Cat! You have made my day. :D

[teamturner]

Scarlett, as one who has been following this thread from the very beginning, I can honestly say I LOVE your email -- it's well thought-out and I think it's quite specific. I also like knowing that you're holding back on presenting a little of your ammunition so you'll have some new support for your position if you need it.

 

I have to say that when I read your description of your ds, you could have been describing my ds -- all the way down to politely exchanging his Happy Meal toys, and putting his arm around you when you're walking down the street!

 

If you think your dh is in a receptive mood, send the email; otherwise wait until the time is right. I might also suggest that, if you think your dh is going to say that your ds isn't like other boys his age, you may want to start a new thread about what's normal behavior for a 9yo boy, and we can all post to it, so you can show your dh that your ds is definitely normal -- complete with meltdowns and wanting to sleep late and hugging his mom a lot!

 

I think you have made amazing strides in organizing your thoughts since this thread first started, and it seems like you're now in a position to stand your ground and debate intelligently about this situation. (Actually, I think you always were, but you were too upset to realize it!)

 

The more I hear about your ds, the more I truly believe that hs is the best place for him, and I can't imagine that your dh could possibly have a good enough reason for sending him to school.

 

Good luck, and :grouphug:

 

Cat

 

:iagree: I have twin 9yo boys and your son sounds exactly like one of my boys. My boys are very different and I think there is a wide range of normal with boys this age. Some mature differently than others and that is okay. My one son that is always hugging me is the one that sounds like your son and is also very smart, reads way above grade level, etc. He has no problem talking to anyone! He is also very high drama when things don't go his way. We are working on this too. I agree w/Catwoman that you should start a thread for mom's w/9 yo sons to describe their sons so you can see what everyone's in like. And I love your email too!

[Jenny in Florida]

My boys are very different and I think there is a wide range of normal with boys this age. Some mature differently than others and that is okay. My one son that is always hugging me is the one that sounds like your son and is also very smart, reads way above grade level, etc. He has no problem talking to anyone! He is also very high drama when things don't go his way.

 

Heck, my 11-year-old son still hugs me. He's not doing it as much in public anymore, but we're still very close.

 

He, too, is very bright, extremely articulate and mature, reads extremely well and has grown-up tastes in lots of things. I heard a year or so ago that a woman we know through one of his activities described him as a (then) 40-year-old man in a little boy suit.

 

And, yes, he can certainly do drama.

 

But I decided a long time ago that I was not going to try and suck out of him traits that, with time and maturity, would turn out to be postives. Personally, I think being able to feel things deeply and express those emotions, being comfortable expressing affection for the people you love and being happy being your true self are qualities I want to nurture in my children.

[katemary63]

Well, off the top of my head,

 

martial arts

 

scouting

 

4-H

 

sports that require going beyond one's comfort level and that build confidence (it depends on the child. I would cheerfully have made sailing part of school in our old home, because it was physically demanding, emotionally challenging and there was an incredible sailing instructor just down the road.)

 

robotics leagues (he's a bit young for the heavy duty robotics, but there is a segment of First Lego League for his age and it is open to all sorts of groups, not just schools, to sponsor teams. There was a very successful group in Hawaii that was from two homeschool groups.)

 

Great suggestions! 4-H also may offer a shooting sports club. Ours is excellent and very popular - largest club in the county and the kids go to competition. It's just great.

 

In our family we would handle this in this manner. DH says he wants DS in public school. Mom says public school is not an option but we can brainstorm other options. What is the problem? Sit down and put it in writing. Then write down possible solutions to the problem. Discuss them and eventually choose one we both agree on. But in my house, public school would simply not BE on the list of possible solutions to the problem because it would be outside what I considered acceptable for my child. And it's okay for YOU to have a say. Marriage is about compromise. I would agree to going back to work and putting DD in a good private school IF that was the only "solution" that he found acceptable to him. But it has to be about solving a percieved problem as a team.

[Barb_]

Scarlett, I think you have too many words here. Too many details dh doesn't want to hear in the first place. Dh isn't going to want to hear why he is wrong...he'll probably do better hearing the distilled version where you just give your solution. I wouldn't thank him for discussing it with you. Submission or no, discussion isn't a favor, but a given in a solid marriage. Thanking him puts you in a position of weakness right off the top. I wouldn't talk about your son's fear and anxiety. This is what your husband fears. Stay away from feelings talk. That can come at a later, more neutral date. Here is what I would suggest sending:

 

Ds is is thriving academically and socially and I do not believe we should insist he do something just for the sake of the change so that he can survive it.

 

I know I can't see all there is to see about ds9. I know that you see things from a man's point of view that I don't. So if you have specific areas of concern...discipline issues, respect issues, drama issues...then let's work together to eliminate those qualities in him. And if there are other things that are bothering you let's discuss them and brainstorm ways he can get what is best for him all around. Public school will not make him a better person. We can though--especially if we work together.

 

Those are my thoughts on the issue. What are yours?

 

Love,

 

 

 

Cut and paste all the details into a Word document and save it. Then if dh is open to discussing details, you will already have paragraphs to draw from. Don't dump everything on him in the first email or he will feel challenged and outmaneuvered no matter how logically and unemotionally you try to present things.

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, I think you have too many words here. Too many details dh doesn't want to hear in the first place. Dh isn't going to want to hear why he is wrong...he'll probably do better hearing the distilled version where you just give your solution. I wouldn't thank him for discussing it with you. Submission or no, discussion isn't a favor, but a given in a solid marriage. Thanking him puts you in a position of weakness right off the top. I wouldn't talk about your son's fear and anxiety. This is what your husband fears. Stay away from feelings talk. That can come at a later, more neutral date. Here is what I would suggest sending:

 

 

 

Cut and paste all the details into a Word document and save it. Then if dh is open to discussing details, you will already have paragraphs to draw from. Don't dump everything on him in the first email or he will feel challenged and outmaneuvered no matter how logically and unemotionally you try to present things.

 

Wow! You are dead on about this. Thank you so much! You are so correct that if I use too many words dh starts to hear Charlie Brown's voice. Wow. Thank you so much.

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, I think you have too many words here. Too many details dh doesn't want to hear in the first place. Dh isn't going to want to hear why he is wrong...he'll probably do better hearing the distilled version where you just give your solution. I wouldn't thank him for discussing it with you. Submission or no, discussion isn't a favor, but a given in a solid marriage. Thanking him puts you in a position of weakness right off the top. I wouldn't talk about your son's fear and anxiety. This is what your husband fears. Stay away from feelings talk. That can come at a later, more neutral date. Here is what I would suggest sending:

 

 

 

Cut and paste all the details into a Word document and save it. Then if dh is open to discussing details, you will already have paragraphs to draw from. Don't dump everything on him in the first email or he will feel challenged and outmaneuvered no matter how logically and unemotionally you try to present things.

 

 

I hit the send button on the edited version. Yikes!

[talexand]

Scarlett, I've been following this thread and I keyed in on your son's fear of new situations. My middle son is very similar, although worse I would say. We have had to put a lot of research and time into helping his overcome his anxiety and now he has learned skills to recognize his feelings and stop it from becoming that big panic reaction like your son's reaction to being told that he would go to school.

 

I wonder if your dh would be okay with the homeschooling if you could put together a plan of how to help your son with this anxiety? I can see where your dh's thoughts are coming from. If his son went to school he would be tougher because he would have to face his fears. But honestly school is not a good place to face fears. Home is better because you can coach him on ways to recognize his feelings and change the way he reacts to them. My son will tell me when he is feeling nervous about going to swim team practice. He says, "Lets just talk abut something else. I know I will be okay once I get into the pool." That is an amazing thing for a 7 year old to be able to recognize in himself and take steps to manage his own feelings. A year ago he would not have put it out of his mind, he would have worked himself into a much bigger fear. Actually there is no way he could have done swim team at all a year ago. This year he is constantly surprising and impressing me. We worked on his fears a lot, taking small steps to help him manage his feelings and physical reactions and it really paid off.

 

In the end we have been homeschooling half time. I pick the kids up after lunch recess and we homeschool the second half of the day. This is for a number of reasons and it works very well for us. If push comes to shove you might want talk to the principal and see if this is possible at your school. It would be one way to compromise if you can't win this one.

[Audrey]

Great suggestions! 4-H also may offer a shooting sports club. Ours is excellent and very popular - largest club in the county and the kids go to competition. It's just great.

 

 

 

 

I'm going to second on the 4-H. My son is a very innocent little boy, very compassionate -- in other words, an easy target sometimes. 4-H has been a fantastic group for him. It's only as competitive as you want it to be. The most important thing is "learning by doing" and those kids are so good at helping each other. There are so many interests one can pursue in 4-H, I really think there must be something for everyone.

 

I think this is the second time this week KateMary and I have been the cheer squad for 4-H! :D

[i.love.lucy]

Scarlett,

 

I'm brand new here but have been lurking for a while and have been reading this whole thread. I too have a "sensitive" child (although she's a girl so somehow that's okay :confused:).

 

I think your son sounds fabulous. Aren't boys supposed to be especially attached to their momma's? Is there some kind of detatchment with your DH's mom that makes him jealous when he sees his own son so attached to you? My husband is still a momma's boy, so he likes it when he see's that my son and I are close (but then again, he's only 4!)

 

I certainly agree with someone (sorry) who suggested that you try harder to pull out his exact concerns and then reflect those back to him. Classic sales technique! "So, it sounds like what you are concerned about is ..." and he goes "no, actually it's..." and you really get to the bottom of it.

 

I can tell you (not that this will help) but the reason we are homeschooling initially is BECAUSE my sensitive child was traumatized by the ps system. Children who are quiet, obey the rules and don't cause trouble, and are academically above average SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS. My dd has developed a stutter from a traumatic public speaking thing in 1st grade. By 8 weeks into her 3rd grade year I approached her teacher to say - gee, I think this is really getting bad, what do I do? And she said "huh, I never noticed it..." This means this woman has not had a meaningful conversation - nor read-aloud time - with my child in 8 WEEKS! We pulled her out by Christmas break.

 

I just want to encourage you. Sensitive boys can be a threat to a certain kind of man, but as a woman married to one for 20 years, they are a blessing to their wife. I hope he does not squash that personality!

[tex-mex]

I'm very sad and I need a hug. My husband is insisting on putting ds9 in school this fall.

 

<<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

 

W-e-l-l... as a former 3rd/4th/5th public school teacher, my impression is that IF your son is indeed experiencing some fear/anxiety... my personal opinion is that kids at these age levels (boys, especially by 5th grade) can be very cruel and ostracizing to those who don't "fit in". Teachers can only control what they see in the classroom -- but at recess/lunch/before/afterschool times, kids can be bullies. And most adults have no clue what is going on. And the child will not tell you in most cases as they seek acceptance from the bully... due to wanting to be liked by a popular student. (Yes, surprise... many bullies in my experience ARE the popular kids.)

 

Go ahead and show hubby my opinion... I really don't wish to cause harm by adding fear. However, if your son does have some social skill issues or fear/anxiety... try taking a gentler route to finding a friend via a group, club, or organization like AWANA or scouts. Within the safety of your guidance, most HS'ers grow up past the anxiety phase and become confident by the teen years. It does take time. But they do not get subjected to peer bullying while figuring all of this out.

 

Hope this makes sense!

-- Pat

 

--------------------------------

Former K-6 Schoolteacher (15+ years)

Mom to a wonderful DS (13.5 yr old)

and awesome Hubby (22 yrs of marriage)

HS'er for 5 years

[Scarlett]

 

I think your son sounds fabulous. Aren't boys supposed to be especially attached to their momma's? Is there some kind of detatchment with your DH's mom that makes him jealous when he sees his own son so attached to you?

 

People keep asking me if maybe my dh is jealous.....and I never thought so until I read your above comment. He is detached from his mother...she is not a very emotionally available mother....Thank you for this thought.

[phathui5]

If socialization was my dh's concern, I would not be willing to send the kids to school to make him happy.

 

I would explore other socialization options where I wasn't involved: sports, summer camp, Sunday school, homeschool co-op classes, etc.

[Catwoman]

How did it go with your email yesterday, Scarlett? Has your dh given you any indication of how he felt about it?

 

Hope all is well!

 

Cat

[Scarlett]

How did it go with your email yesterday, Scarlett? Has your dh given you any indication of how he felt about it?

 

Hope all is well!

 

Cat

 

 

Totally ignored my email. Totally. Must discuss it at some point this weekend...but ds is always around.

[Catwoman]

Are you sure he received it?

 

If he got it, read it, and ignored it, I would be really annoyed!

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

Any updates, Scarlett?

 

I hope everything is ok! :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Scarlett]

Any updates, Scarlett?

 

I hope everything is ok! :grouphug:

 

Cat

 

He got it. I had to bring it up. I did that yesterday morning....big argument followed. Ongoing.

[sleepy]

He got it. I had to bring it up. I did that yesterday morning....big argument followed. Ongoing.

 

Ugh. I'm so sorry.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[lwilliams1922]

I have to go, but I a real quick 2 things to consider:

 

1. where are you getting this April 1 date? In my county you have file in the summer.

 

2. Does your ds have social skills issues. If so, being in a classroom with 24 children, provides a good opportunity for such issues to get worse. Work on group skills may be best met in small doses. Maybe a lot of small doses. My first year of homeschool was when my oldest was in first. We did a lot of activities. Scouts, 4H soccer, swimming, gymnastics. We went to park days and advertise homeschool field trips. I would coach ds before and talk about social stuff after each activity. Ds is academically gifted. It was easy to keep up with and move at an accelerated pace in academics. His needs were not academic so I put a lot of focus on those other things. Ds was better at learning the social stuff in short frequent spurts. He had full day K--he retreated into a corner, didn't interact and was drained when he got home to the point that he could not do things like scouts or soccer even once a week because he had nothing left in him to control his behavior after being at school all day. So, I would suggest that if one of the reasons you homeschool is "protect" him from social stuff because he's had problems in that area, you should get out there in a lot activities so he can work on that stuff with your help. If you send him to school for 6.5 hours a day you won't be able to help him work the social puzzle, but if you keep him home away from a lot of groups you won't help him learn it either.

 

disregard this is this is not your issue.

 

 

I agree!

My kids have learned values, respect, love & kindness being at home. I would not like to comepete with opposings forces in a less supervised envirnoment.

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

He got it. I had to bring it up. I did that yesterday morning....big argument followed. Ongoing.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry to hear that, Scarlett! I was worried that things weren't going well when you hadn't posted for a while.

 

All I can say is that if your dh isn't willing to have a civilized conversation about this, at some point you may need to just tell him that you've made a final decision and ds will continue to be homeschooled for at least another year. And let dh deal with it.

 

You're doing everything possible to give your dh a chance to explain and clarify his reasoning for sending your ds to school, and I honestly don't think he has a "real" reason other than that he's jealous of the closeness between you and your ds, and figures that if ps was good enough for him, it's good enough for your ds -- despite the fact that your ds is absolutely flourishing in homeschool.

 

If you think your dh is being unreasonable now, wait until you send ds to ps and see what happens if it doesn't work out. I could be wrong about your dh, but he doesn't sound like the kind of person who likes to admit he was wrong, so even if ps doesn't work out, don't be surprised if your dh says the problems are ds's fault and he'll just have to live with being in ps.

 

I'm so sorry this is going on like this. There's just no reason why you shouldn't be able to sit down together and have a rational discussion. Have you made a list of all the things you've told us (about ds's test scores, activities, and other homeschool-related successes? ) Maybe if your dh sees them "in black and white," it might have a small impact on him?

 

Honestly, this sounds more like a control issue than a homeschooling issue, and that may mean that no matter what you say, your dh won't want to "lose the fight." This should be about your ds and what's best for him, and if your dh won't listen to reason because it's all about winning, you're going to have to stand up and fight for your ds. If it were something that were only between you and your dh, I might suggest a different approach, but this is a much larger issue, and you're the one your son counts on to keep him at home with you.

 

I spoke with my dh about this, and I'd just started to tell him that your dh wanted to send your ds to school, although he was doing well at home, and my dh said, "Wait a minute. Why would he decide? Doesn't he trust his own wife?" He believes that if the mom is the one doing the hsing, she should make the final decision about the child's education. My dh has always had some reservations about hsing, but believes it's my decision as the mom and as the one who has accepted the responsibility of hsing. He knows I'll listen to his opinions, but he does not expect to make the final decision.

 

If your dh trusts you and believes you to be a capable person and a good mom, he should trust you to make the right decision about homeschooling.

 

Sorry to sound so militant, but this has gone on for a while now, and I feel so badly that you're so upset.

 

Hope you get things settled soon.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Cat

[katemary63]

He got it. I had to bring it up. I did that yesterday morning....big argument followed. Ongoing.

 

Scarlet,

 

Don't let yourself get into a "big argument"...just plain don't engage. PLAN a time to talk about this. TELL him you want to have a conversation about DS's schooling on this day at this time when you have arranged DS to be out of the house. Then be there for the conversation. If he is not there, then that is not your fault.

 

If he is, it should go like this. WRITE DOWN the problem. Try to come up with a statement that sums up what he thinks it is. Then start brainstorming possible solutions to the problem. Write them down! Focus on the fact that you are a team of parents trying to decide what is best for your son. You both love him and want what's best for him. Say these things out loud. Give validation to the fact that your husband does believe there is a problem and let him know you are glad he is concerned for your son's emotional well being. Then, together, choose a solution or two to implement. When I say, "together" that means that you only choose solutions that you BOTH agree on. So public school should not be on that list. Sorry, but you don't agree with that one....let's try one of these other idesa. I mean, you could easily come up with a "solution" or two that you know he won't agree with either. Not to be spitefull, but to show him that the two of you need to compromise and work together and not just make demands.

 

If you and he can not concuct a simple conversation like this in your son's best interest, then you have bigger problems then what school your son goes to. I'm sorry you are going through this and I really hope it works out for you.

[Scarlett]

Scarlet,

 

Don't let yourself get into a "big argument"...just plain don't engage. PLAN a time to talk about this.

 

If he is, it should go like this. WRITE DOWN the problem. Try to come up with a statement that sums up what he thinks it is. Then start brainstorming possible solutions to the problem. Write them down! Focus on the fact that you are a team of parents trying to decide what is best for your son. You both love him and want what's best for him. Say these things out loud. Give validation to the fact that your husband does believe there is a problem and let him know you are glad he is concerned for your son's emotional well being. .

 

This is exactly what I did. I put a lot of thought in to it...and I didn't argue back when it turned bad....I'm not finished...about to hand him a handwritten note with the rest of my thoughts on it...right before I leave the house to go to a party. Hee hee.

 

 

If you and he can not concuct a simple conversation like this in your son's best interest, then you have bigger problems then what school your son goes to.

 

Yep. I agree.

[WTMCassandra]

(((Scarlett)))

 

Have you considered marriage counseling? I'm thinking short-term, just to have an objective third-party to hash this out in front of. It would help if the counselor at least was not a homeschool-basher, though, or it could backfire. For example, in our church there are both homeschooled and public-schooled children, as well as Christian-schooled, so I would feel comfortable asking our pastor to help work out the issue since different choices are valued in our church. Do you have someone like that who could help be a sounding board?

[Rosie_0801]

Forgive me if this is out of line, but I thought the Christian husband was supposed to base his decisions on what is best and comfortable for his family. If your husband is making decisions that cause you and your son such distress, he's not really doing his job, is he?

 

Rosie

[Catwoman]

Forgive me if this is out of line, but I thought the Christian husband was supposed to base his decisions on what is best and comfortable for his family. If your husband is making decisions that cause you and your son such distress, he's not really doing his job, is he?

 

Rosie

 

You've made such an excellent point, Rosie -- and I'd never even thought of it!

 

Thanks for bringing the big picture into focus!

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

I'm not finished...about to hand him a handwritten note with the rest of my thoughts on it...right before I leave the house to go to a party.

 

I just think it's so sad that you're reduced to passing notes and sending emails, because your dh won't have a calm and thoughtful conversation.

 

If you simply say you're homeschooling next year, and that's your final decision, what would happen next? Your dh can't register your ds for school without your consent (or at least he couldn't do it where we live.)

 

At some point, the battle is going to have to end, and it's outrageous that it's dragging on and on like this. (I'm not blaming you, Scarlett -- I can see that you're doing everything possible to work this out as peacefully as possible! :grouphug:)

 

Cat

 

PS. Try to have fun at the party!