HappyatHome Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. We really discourage any kind of romantic relationships as teens - esp. young teens. There is just so much more in life.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Are the girl's parents aware of their 12 yo daughter's romantic relationship with this boy? Yes, but I don't know if they are aware that on "supervised" trips to the mall, they are making out in the dressing rooms. And of his drinking? I don't know whether or not they are aware of that. If so, I would put an end to my child having any contact with the other children. If not, I would seriously consider having a discussion with them. I have considered this. I am concerned that if I do it, my girls will not be so forthcoming with information in the future. Right now, they tell me everything, and I'd like to keep it that way. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
runninmommy Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Oh heck no!! emphatically no. NO!:blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 We don't really say a certain age, but my kids have waited until they are out of high school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 That's a pretty broad question. I'm going to ignore the 'got drunk once' factor for now. Would I allow a 12 yr old to date? No, I would not. Would I encourage friendship and discourage romance? Yes, I would. But I would not forbid her from saying she had a boyfriend. I'd be okay with phoning, emailing and hanging out just like other friends. Romance in the tween/early teen years is often friendship, with a side order of crush. Can it go too far and be harmful? Yes, of course it can. But a tween who is allowed to 'declare' a boyfriend is in no more danger, imo, than one who is absolutely. NOT. ALLOWED. to have a boyfriend. Supervision and open communication will go a long way toward protecting them in either case, and a hefty dose of luck doesn't hurt either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen FL Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Maybe I should have added that this isn't about my girls dating. It has to do with a friend of my dds', and how much involvement I'm willing to let them have with this girl and her boyfriend. It has clearly gone past the kissing stage, and I need to make some decisions about the judgment of the girl and her family. I am appreciating all the responses. Thank you for this clarification. I wouldn't let my daughther have very much involvement with this couple. I think anything beyond a smile and a hello is too much involvement. It can be emotionally exhausting, inappropriate, and distracting for a friend to hear all of the drama that is likely to ensue in the months and years to come. They're just so young... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbie in IL Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Nope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Absolutely not! Even a mature 12 is too young. We are okay with group events and friends but no exclusive relationships at least until 16 (or older if the maturity level isn't there). Too much chance for emotional or physically scarring at such a young age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Having a boyfriend or girlfriend often means you loose your great buddy. It won't last and there goes the friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I have not read all 7 pags yet but my answer is NO! I had a boyfriend at age 12, my parents thought it was all cute, by 16 I was dating a 20 yr old, sexually active etc. My plan is to allow group dates at 16 but no one-on-one dates until they are 18 and ready to start looking towards marriage. I do not want my kids getting into the dating trap too early. At 12 not on your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 It seems like so many here think daiting should only be for marrying. What if you kid doesn't want to ever get married? Should they never date? I think daiting is about having intimate relationships. I think 12 is a bit young, I wasn't interested at that age, but if the girl is interested, then I say why not. And by intimate, I don't nessisarily mean sex, as I said, I would expect nothing more than kissing at that age. But as they got older, of course I would expect them to experiment with sex. I think 15 or 16 is a very good age for that. And yes, I know I am inviting flames on that one. But honestly, if you don't let your children date people, how will they know what they want in a mate? If they never have sex until they are married, what if they hate how their spouse is in bed? Isn't that a rather crucial detail to ensure you are a good match with before you tie the knot? And don't give me they are too young for that. It is only in very recent times that men were expected to be virgins at marriage and that women did not marry at ages like 13 or 14. And for the religious ones out there, if you think God designed people, why would he design them to be able to bear children at 12 and 13 if he did not expect them to be having sex then? ok, bring on the flames :cheers2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Would I want it? No. Would I encourage it? No. Would I support it? No. Could I actually stop it if my daughter were determined? No. We're neither terrible conservative nor traditionally religious. So, it's not about that stuff. For me, it's about the fact that letting romance in at such an early age opens the door to a host of problems. (Trust me. I know whereof I speak.) Consequently, our kids are being raised to understand that we believe "dating" is something you do when you are mature enough to be thinking of looking for a mate. I heard someone one time suggest that you sit your daughter down and ask her what she wants to accomplish with her life. Then, once she has a nice, long list, you ask her whether having a boyfriend at her age would help or hurt her along that path. I did that with my daughter when she was about 10. She's now 14 and has no intention of dating anyone for a good, long time. There's no point, and it would just be a distraction. She's got way too many other good things going on in her life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I think our spouse is supposed to be our best friend. I think practising "best friend" skills is appropriate for 12 year olds. Practising dating skills sure isn't. Rosie Ooooohhhh....I like this! Perfect! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. I will not allow dating or courtship until my children are ready to consider marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 ok, bring on the flames :cheers2: Actually you just gave a good description of why teen pregnancies and STDs abound in our country. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Actually you just gave a good description of why teen pregnancies and STDs abound in our country. :iagree: exactly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 (edited) I think 12 is a bit young, I wasn't interested at that age, but if the girl is interested, then I say why not. And by intimate, I don't nessisarily mean sex, as I said, I would expect nothing more than kissing at that age. ...... why would he design them to be able to bear children at 12 and 13 if he did not expect them to be having sex then? That seems to be a bit contradictory, St. Claire. Edited March 13, 2009 by Crissy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaSheep Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Absolutely not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I think daiting is about having intimate relationships. I think 12 is a bit young, I wasn't interested at that age, but if the girl is interested, then I say why not. And by intimate, I don't nessisarily mean sex, as I said, I would expect nothing more than kissing at that age. But as they got older, of course I would expect them to experiment with sex. I think 15 or 16 is a very good age for that.: Wow. No flames from me...just disbelief. I've never personally known a grown up who thinks age 15 is a good year to start experimenting with sex. And yes, I know I am inviting flames on that one. But honestly, if you don't let your children date people, how will they know what they want in a mate? If they never have sex until they are married, what if they hate how their spouse is in bed? Isn't that a rather crucial detail to ensure you are a good match with before you tie the knot? Here's a thought. How about if people only had sex with their marriage mate they might not be in the comparing mode. Sex is important in a marriage, but compatibility comes from deep respect, affection, love, commitment. And don't give me they are too young for that. It is only in very recent times that men were expected to be virgins at marriage and that women did not marry at ages like 13 or 14. And for the religious ones out there, if you think God designed people, why would he design them to be able to bear children at 12 and 13 if he did not expect them to be having sex then?: Ok....a little confused here. Even when society dictated more that men and definitely women remain virgins...even if girls were 12 or 13 at marriage that is a far cry from 'experimentation'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Hypothetical question. Just wondering how you all feel about this. So, would you allow your (relatively mature) 12 year old daughter to have a boyfriend? If you say yes, what if you knew the boy had got drunk on one occasion? Does that make a difference to you? What if he says he made a mistake and won't do it again? If you say no, at what age do you allow boyfriends/girlfriends? Do you have rules about age differences? Thanks. No. How does it make sense for a 12 year old to have a boyfriend ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staci in MO Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 unproductive romantic obsessions You've described them exactly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 It seems like so many here think daiting should only be for marrying. What if you kid doesn't want to ever get married? Should they never date? Well, from someone who isn't married, what do you mean by married? Married as in sign on the dotted line? Or married as in living together and picking up each other's socks? I think daiting is about having intimate relationships. I think 12 is a bit young, I wasn't interested at that age, but if the girl is interested, then I say why not. And by intimate, I don't nessisarily mean sex, as I said, I would expect nothing more than kissing at that age. But as they got older, of course I would expect them to experiment with sex. I think 15 or 16 is a very good age for that. 16 is not a good age for that. 22 wasn't either. What a parent expects is not the same as what the parent thinks is desirable. I will be expecting my kids to do a lot of things I don't think are desirable, but that sure doesn't mean I won't caution them against them! But honestly, if you don't let your children date people, how will they know what they want in a mate? By looking. You can tell quite a lot about a person by observing them before you're in a situation where they are trying to impress you, lol. If they never have sex until they are married, what if they hate how their spouse is in bed? Isn't that a rather crucial detail to ensure you are a good match with before you tie the knot? Yes it is important, and you learn to compromise and practise until you get the hang of it! Nobody starts married life with all the skills they're going to need. And don't give me they are too young for that. It is only in very recent times that men were expected to be virgins at marriage and that women did not marry at ages like 13 or 14. Not a good argument. The expectations of marriage and relationships have changed a great deal over the centuries. Also, physical and emotional problems stemming from relationships are hardly a modern phenomenon limited to the western world. And for the religious ones out there, if you think God designed people, why would he design them to be able to bear children at 12 and 13 if he did not expect them to be having sex then? You know, people raised on a predominantly vegan diet often don't achieve menarche until aged 18 or 19. Could be that God didn't design people to be reproducing at age 12. ok, bring on the flames :cheers2: Nah, that'd require real effort ;) Rosie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 ok, bring on the flames No flaming from me, just a different outlook. It seems like so many here think daiting should only be for marrying. What if you kid doesn't want to ever get married? Should they never date? Well, I, for one, didn't say "marriage," just "mate." But as they got older, of course I would expect them to experiment with sex. I think 15 or 16 is a very good age for that. I thought that was a good age when I was that age. Then three of the girls in my close social group got pregnant. Two of them dropped out of school and spiralled into all kinds of trouble and distress. One of those two kept her baby, which died within a year. Another gave hers up for adoption and then spent years fighting to get her back. One of them finally pulled herself out 15 years later. None of them had what could be called "good" outcomes. And these were all very smart girls with supportive families. And don't give me they are too young for that. It is only in very recent times that men were expected to be virgins at marriage and that women did not marry at ages like 13 or 14. And for the religious ones out there, if you think God designed people, why would he design them to be able to bear children at 12 and 13 if he did not expect them to be having sex then?. Nature hasn't taken into account the changes in our society. When girls had nothing to look forward to in terms of education and career except for marrying and having babies, it made sense for them to get married at 13. This was especially true in an age in which so many children died in infancy. A women needed a lot of childbearing years to produce a reasonable number of kids who lived into adulthood. And, for many people, marriage and children is still their ideal life. However, I think 13 is a little young to make such an important decision, especially when there are so many options and opportunities. My daughter, for example, definitely wants children and intends to homeschool when she has them. However, she has a lot of things she wants to do first, because she understands that they would be difficult to do once she has a family. And she knows herself well enough to understand that she cannot be "casual" about dating and relationships. Therefore, it makes sense to hold off on dating until she is ready to go fully into that stage of her life. Aside from the practical stuff, though, I also believe--based on my own experiences and those of many women I know--that early dating leads almost irrevocably to early sexual activity. And early sexual activity--even if it doesn't result in pregnancies or disease--all too often leads to emotional scarring that is very difficult to overcome. And, honestly, that last thing is the most important part to me. I'd like my kids to reach adulthood with their hearts more or less whole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2boys Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. Absolutely not. For any reason. Boys as friends : yes, ok. Boys as boyfriends: No. Ain't happenin' here. :iagree: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Hypothetical question. Just wondering how you all feel about this. So, would you allow your (relatively mature) 12 year old daughter to have a boyfriend? If you say yes, what if you knew the boy had got drunk on one occasion? Does that make a difference to you? What if he says he made a mistake and won't do it again? If you say no, at what age do you allow boyfriends/girlfriends? Do you have rules about age differences? Thanks. NOT A CHANCE!!! He's already demonstrated lack of self-control and although he admits to it and says he won't do it again....do you really want your daughter to be the "test case?" Let him change. Let him grow up. Let him make his mistakes on someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Just curious why you all find it to be unproductive. People only get good at things with practice. Why not let them practice daiting now, so when they are older and ready to get married, they know what they want in a mate? Practice dating does not necessarily prepare one for a marital relationship. I had plenty of practice dating and I really needed to grow up as a newlywed. I was Dh's first serious girlfriend (at age 26). He was so much more prepared for being married than I was. I don't think you need to date to learn what you want in a mate. I think you need to meet people, be friends, and mostly, learn about yourself. Sometimes too much dating can lead people (especially girls) to be chameleons with their romantic partners, so much so that they really don't learn who they are. That was me. By the grace of God did I pick a winner - not by me necessarily using good discernment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest janainaz Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 (edited) No to this boy and not at 12, but... My FIL let my little (adopted) sister-in-law have a boyfriend at 15. I disagreed entirely. However, her mother had just died and he was finally getting to have some parenting say for a chance (I don't mean that cruelly, but the wife wore the pants all the time). Anyway, he laid down the rules for the relationship and let both the boy, the parents and his daughter know that if any of the rules were broken, they would not see each other. Two years later these kids are still dating and her grades have gone way up, she is looking to her future and the BF has become like part of the family and vice-versa. The boy is just a good kid. He's got college plans and I truly believe that God sent my sister-in-law this person (she met him right after her mother died). Had my mother-in-law been involved she would have put her foot down and said, "no dating". I think she would have caused some rebellion instead of letting her kids spread their wings a little under the watchful eye of a loving parent. I honestly believe that my father-in-law had great wisdom in letting loose on her reigns a little. In doing so he has her closer than ever. I'm learning a lot by watching him parent these teenage girls alone. Up until my MIL died, the kids were raised under the law. Edited March 13, 2009 by janainaz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I didn't read any of the responses because this is a joke right? Please someone tell me it's a joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 (edited) No to this boy and not at 12, but... My FIL let my little (adopted) sister-in-law have a boyfriend at 15. I disagreed entirely. However, her mother had just died and he was finally getting to have some parenting say for a chance (I don't mean that cruelly, but the wife wore the pants all the time). Anyway, he laid down the rules for the relationship and let both the boy, the parents and his daughter know that if any of the rules were broken, they would not see each other. Two years later these kids are still dating and her grades have gone way up, she is looking to her future and the BF has become like part of the family and vice-versa. The boy is just a good kid. He's got college plans and I truly believe that God sent my sister-in-law this person (she met him right after her mother died). Had my mother-in-law been involved she would have put her foot down and said, "no dating". I think she would have caused some rebellion instead of letting her kids spread their wings a little under the watchful eye of a loving parent. I honestly believe that my father-in-law had great wisdom in letting loose on her reigns a little. In doing so he has her closer than ever. I'm learning a lot by watching him parent these teenage girls alone. Up until my MIL died, the kids were raised under the law. It sounds like the father was paying attention to what was going on with his daughter and the young man. I think what is good for one child could be a disaster for another. They mature differently and have different strengths and weaknesses. I don't think we should/can even parent all of our own children within the same family the exact same way. Good parenting requires knowing our children well. Good for him that he cares enough to pay attention and get to know his daughter. Edited March 13, 2009 by Miss Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 This is a serious thread??? Okay then...........hell no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 early sexual activity--even if it doesn't result in pregnancies or disease--all too often leads to emotional scarring that is very difficult to overcome. And, honestly, that last thing is the most important part to me. I'd like my kids to reach adulthood with their hearts more or less whole. :iagree: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reya Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Hypothetical question. Just wondering how you all feel about this. So, would you allow your (relatively mature) 12 year old daughter to have a boyfriend? If you say yes, what if you knew the boy had got drunk on one occasion? Does that make a difference to you? What if he says he made a mistake and won't do it again? If you say no, at what age do you allow boyfriends/girlfriends? Do you have rules about age differences? Thanks. Absolutely NOT. WHAT is the point of a 12-y-o dating? And the boy? I'd strongly disapprove if he were 20! I would have few to no rules about age differences, but as far as ages go--older than 12, absolutely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reya Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Yeah sure. "boyfriend" probably just means kissing at that age. I wouldn't worry about it. Tell that to the 5th grader who had a baby at 11 at my school. There were MANY sexually active 11-y-o. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest janainaz Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 It sounds like the father was paying attention to what was going on with his daughter and the young man. I think what is good for one child could be a disaster for another. They mature differently and have different strengths and weaknesses. I don't think we should/can even parent all of our own children within the same family the exact same way. Good parenting requires knowing our children well. Good for him that he cares enough to pay attention and get to know his daughter. Yes. Bingo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Thanks to all of you for responding. My initial reaction was "What on earth are these parents thinking?" But I recognize that not everyone shares my values, and began to wonder if I wasn't overreacting. It makes me feel better to know that most of you seem to agree. Also, I expect that I will soon be confronted by the mom about why my kids haven't been spending any time with her dd lately, and these responses have given me some ideas about how to respond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Yeah sure. "boyfriend" probably just means kissing at that age. I wouldn't worry about it. Sorry, but there's a now 13yo boy here who has become a father. He was 12yo when the baby was conceived and the mother was 14yo. I wouldn't let my 12yo have a boyfriend. IMO one dates to get ready for marriage. Since marriage isn't on the horizon for a 12yo, there's no good thing that can come from dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Hypothetical question. Just wondering how you all feel about this. So, would you allow your (relatively mature) 12 year old daughter to have a boyfriend? If you say yes, what if you knew the boy had got drunk on one occasion? Does that make a difference to you? What if he says he made a mistake and won't do it again? If you say no, at what age do you allow boyfriends/girlfriends? Do you have rules about age differences? Thanks. I haven't read any responses yet, but no I would not. Absolutely not, actually. I don't know what age is the right age, but pre-teen certainly isn't it (for us). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen sn Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I don't think you need to date to learn what you want in a mate. I think you need to meet people, be friends, and mostly, learn about yourself. Sometimes too much dating can lead people (especially girls) to be chameleons with their romantic partners, so much so that they really don't learn who they are. exactly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 (edited) OMG no! Hormones, puberty. NO...No. My mom let me have a boyfriend at 13. We had sex just after I turned 14. :( Oh, if only I could take that back now...but I can't. My kids will not "date" until they are at least 16 or 17 and even then, it will be with some kind of supervision (i.e. no going in the room and closing the door kind of stuff or going out together in the car) until my sons are adults - which is age 18 legally. Edited March 13, 2009 by Tree House Academy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Why borrow trouble? And the things I hear of the goings on at the middle school she would be in? They are having s*x, and they think oral s*x isn't actually "doing it". They were in the headlines recently for "sexting" photos and that doesn't even go into the drinking that is going on. No 12 year old boy is going NEAR my daughter except in a friendship. When we have friends over that are boys, even then there is supervision and that's the way its staying for the foreseeable future. It is even more difficult for my almost 13, she has the body of a 17 year old and looks WAY older than she is. Her body may be mature but she is a young girl and that is the way she is staying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Nope, 16 is my bare minimum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntPol Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Wow! It's so refreshing to see parents who think about these things. I remember being 12. I started thinking boys were cute at age 11 but of course, boys of same age were not interested in girls. Then at 12, we went to middle school. A lot of my friends had boyfriends. I was so jealous and developed a lot of self-esteem issues (they all developed early and I was a late bloomer). Of course, those girls who had boyfriends at 12, were pregnant at 16..... Now, flash forward. I am a mother of a 9 yo girl who is in government school. She is boy crazy in a way but I think it is because the girls in her class are boy crazy and she is emulating them. She is ostracized quite often because she is one of the few girls in the grade that DOESN"T have a boyfriend. The first girl to get a boyfriend was in 3rd grade. She dated the boy a year. He gave her presents, they had playdates, the parents of the boy took them to a restaurant and let them sit together alone. They all thought it good. Then this year, broke up with him on Valentine's day (after getting the necklace) to go out with another boy. He's devastated but started dating another girl (the one who had been his best friend in 2nd) but she wanted to keep it secret. There are rumors that she is dating another boy. It goes on and on and on. The thing that drives me crazy is some of these parents have pushed the girlfriend/boyfriend thing since K. They think it's cute. I keep getting told I need to lighten up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Actually you just gave a good description of why teen pregnancies and STDs abound in our country. I disagree whole heartidly. I think teen pregnancies and STDs abound because of parents not teaching their kids about how to hve sex safely. Abstinance only education has been shown again and again to increase the rates of STDs and teen pregnancies. Teach your kids how to use a condom and birth control medication! That's how to prevent STDs and pregnancies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 This is a joke right? (I am guessing so with the misspelled words?) If you haven't had sex before marriage, you really wouldn't have a clue if your partner was "good" or not right?! You can know when something is bad without knowing just how good it can be. Just like you can know its good without knowing how bad it can be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 That seems to be a bit contradictory, St. Claire. Not contradictory at all. I'm an atheist. I think we can breed at 12 or 13 because it is at that age that we can reasonably assure the survival of our offspring. I was just make an argument for the theists out there. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Well, from someone who isn't married, what do you mean by married? Married as in sign on the dotted line? Or married as in living together and picking up each other's socks? 16 is not a good age for that. 22 wasn't either. What a parent expects is not the same as what the parent thinks is desirable. I will be expecting my kids to do a lot of things I don't think are desirable, but that sure doesn't mean I won't caution them against them! By looking. You can tell quite a lot about a person by observing them before you're in a situation where they are trying to impress you, lol. Yes it is important, and you learn to compromise and practise until you get the hang of it! Nobody starts married life with all the skills they're going to need. Not a good argument. The expectations of marriage and relationships have changed a great deal over the centuries. Also, physical and emotional problems stemming from relationships are hardly a modern phenomenon limited to the western world. You know, people raised on a predominantly vegan diet often don't achieve menarche until aged 18 or 19. Could be that God didn't design people to be reproducing at age 12. Nah, that'd require real effort ;) Rosie Thanks for a real response. :) I agree that expecting doesn't mean it needs to be encouraged, my concern here is that many people don't teach their kids how to practice safe sex. That means that when they do experiment (and in the vast majority of cases it will be when, not if), they will not know how to be safe. Just like its important to have many friends so you can get along well with many people, and you learn what is important in a friendship, I feel the same way about relationships. The first person you date may not be a great match for you. But you may not think anything better is out there. Or you may feel like you can't change your mind at that point. By encouraging an atmosphere where they can have multiple relationships, I think they will get a much better and mature idea of what they want in their partner, and of what they have to offer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No flaming from me, just a different outlook. Well, I, for one, didn't say "marriage," just "mate." I thought that was a good age when I was that age. Then three of the girls in my close social group got pregnant. Two of them dropped out of school and spiralled into all kinds of trouble and distress. One of those two kept her baby, which died within a year. Another gave hers up for adoption and then spent years fighting to get her back. One of them finally pulled herself out 15 years later. None of them had what could be called "good" outcomes. And these were all very smart girls with supportive families. Nature hasn't taken into account the changes in our society. When girls had nothing to look forward to in terms of education and career except for marrying and having babies, it made sense for them to get married at 13. This was especially true in an age in which so many children died in infancy. A women needed a lot of childbearing years to produce a reasonable number of kids who lived into adulthood. And, for many people, marriage and children is still their ideal life. However, I think 13 is a little young to make such an important decision, especially when there are so many options and opportunities. My daughter, for example, definitely wants children and intends to homeschool when she has them. However, she has a lot of things she wants to do first, because she understands that they would be difficult to do once she has a family. And she knows herself well enough to understand that she cannot be "casual" about dating and relationships. Therefore, it makes sense to hold off on dating until she is ready to go fully into that stage of her life. Aside from the practical stuff, though, I also believe--based on my own experiences and those of many women I know--that early dating leads almost irrevocably to early sexual activity. And early sexual activity--even if it doesn't result in pregnancies or disease--all too often leads to emotional scarring that is very difficult to overcome. And, honestly, that last thing is the most important part to me. I'd like my kids to reach adulthood with their hearts more or less whole. Very good points. I think that while they may reach adulthood with their hearts whole however, they hearts will be weak and easily broken at tha point. I'd like them to learn that breaking up isn't the end of the world. Most relationships don't last. It shouldn't break their heart if theirs doesn't. Also, I'm curious, the girls you kne who got pregnant. Did they get adaquate sex education? Did they use condoms and prescription birth control? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No, I wouldn't. I know that I can't stop my child from saying she has a boyfriend or is going out with some kid, but I can certainly not allow dating behavior to take place: dates, long phone calls, etc. My dd is 14 and I wouldn't let her have a bf. She's not mature enough. I don't have a certain age at which I would allow it. It would depend on maturity. I'd say a two-year age difference would be my limit. Tara Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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