Created To Be His Help Meet, I don't know what to think....

[Prairie~Phlox]

My friend really thought this was a great book and gave me a copy a while ago. I have read Power of a Praying Wife years ago and it was really a wake up call for me, however, I have some concerns with Created To Be His Help Meet. I have been doing some research and not all of it is Biblically sound and some of the things that they recommend doing, my husband would be appalled at. Like if I wasn't happy with the way things were falling apart and I got a book on how to do things myself and attempted to fix things around here, he would have a fit and it would cause even more unnecessary strain. That would not be helping him. Also, the friend that gave me the book, her husband hasn't worked in four years, (has bitterness towards his mother and won't forgiver her this is the main problem holding back), they are about out of money, he's made no effort to find work and they could be homeless with in a month or two. My friend has become depressed and looks like she's aged about 10 years, however, she feels that her husband is above God and she has to do what he says, because of what she's read in this book. I no way could sit and let my family fall apart if my husband were to do this. So if you've read this book, do you agree, disagree with it. I've read of it dividing churches before. Honestly, she gave it to me over a year ago and after a discussion with another friend, I've started reading some more of it (because this other friend pointed out the things that were wrong also)

 

Just curious what others think.

 

Phlox

[BakersDozen]

Well, let me just say that after attempting to read through this book 3 times I ended up giving it away. Like you there were some things in it that just didn't sit right with me Biblically and my dh disagreed with parts of it as well, particularly in the chapter on intimacy. His actual words regarding the book in general were, "Please don't even think about acting this way!" So in the giveaway box it went. Power of a Praying Wife is excellent, though!

[Joanne]

I don't agree with the Pearls on much of anything. Like their parenting advice, I believe the perspective presented in CTBHH to lead to abuse.

 

I find much of their material *extra*Biblical.

[OnTheBrink]

I've read snippets of it, not the whole thing. I think TOS magazine ran portions of it right before it was published. I was NOT impressed. I can't remember specifics of what I disliked, though. I just remember not liking it overall.

[the floating cottage]

I believe it is very legalistic, and that is just not who Christ was. A book that we enjoyed tremendously was Love and Respect. It was really great.

[Scuff]

Like most books, you have to read it with your brain on. Take what helps you, leave the rest. I think as long as people do this, it's a good book. If you try to legalistically follow it to a T, it'll give you problems. There were some things I liked, but it's been awhile.

[momofkhm]

I take the nuggets that are good and throw away the rest. I did find nuggets.

 

I have a very good friend who loves this book. She says it is very Biblical. Could you give me a couple examples that are not Biblically sound? Just wondering really! I read the book but it was 2 years ago.

[Prairie~Phlox]

I take the nuggets that are good and throw away the rest. I did find nuggets.

 

I have a very good friend who loves this book. She says it is very Biblical. Could you give me a couple examples that are not Biblically sound? Just wondering really! I read the book but it was 2 years ago.

 

I ran across the website and it does a better job than what I could:

 

http://createdtobehelpmeet.blogspot.com/

[SapphireStitch]

I've read this and I liked one part of it...the descriptions of the different personality types in men. I found that entertaining and somewhat enlightening. I liked how she encouraged wives to appreciate their husbands for who they are, rather than wishing that they were like other men.

 

BUT!!! Other than that one thing, I really didn't like the book at all.

 

The worst part, for me, was the underlying idea that marriage is somehow like a cosmic math equation that God has set up. If the husband does X, wife responds by doing Y, God sees her do this and says "Oh, good girl" and changes her husband into what he should be.

 

When the Pearls tackle the subject of sex, something just seems "off" to me...and I'm not sure why or what it is. But it's there in this book, too, and it creeped me out. I'm not squeamish about sex, and I think a book written to Christian wives should deal with sex. Maybe the Pearls would call it being "frank", but I found some of the sex anecdotes...icky, for lack of a better word.

[chickenpatty]

I take the nuggets that are good and throw away the rest. I did find nuggets.

 

 

Same here.

[*********]

I take the nuggets that are good and throw away the rest. I did find nuggets.

 

:iagree: I think she has some good advice, but I just couldn't get past what seemed to me to be an overall 'tone' to the book that didn't set well with me. It seems as though the author, well, doesn't like women. Maybe that's just me. She also uses language that I wouldn't, like calling women names and what not. And for some reason, she seems hung up on women being overweight. It's kinda weird. I also do not agree with some of her, um, interpretations of scriptures on certain subjects.

 

It's really too bad, because it seemed at the beginning of the book like it might be good. She does have some good, frank, hard-to-hear-sometimes advice.

 

I REALLY enjoyed 'The Excellent Wife' by Martha Peace. I read it a few months ago, and I can't remember anything in it that I disagreed with. I was very challenged by it. I would not recommend CTBHHM to others, but I WOULD recommend 'The Excellent Wife'.

[coralloyd]

I really only read the descriptions of the 3 "personality types" in men,( a friend was reading the book, and wanted to know what description fit my dh). That was enough to send me running in the other direction. While I agreed with some parts of the descriptions, other parts really bothered me, especailly the - “Mr. Command Man”. I found this quote on the web:

“They are known for expecting their wives to wait on them hand and foot. A Command Man does not want his wife involved in any project that prevents her from serving him.”…”Command Men have less tolerance, so they will often walk off and leave their clamoring wife before she has a chance to realize that she is even close to losing her marriage.” …”She is on call every minute of her day. Her man wants to know where she is, what she is doing, and why she is doing it. He corrects her without thought. For better or for worse, it is his nature to control.”

 

This is not a description of a "personality type". This is a description of an insecure man, and his sinfulness.

 

I wanted to add my recomemdation of a good books to read: For Women Only; Power of a Praying Wife; Proper Care and Feeding

Edited March 5, 2009 by coralloyd

[mamaof2andtwins]

I have read the book twice. I find that Debi does have a tendency to make blanket statements about things. There were nuggets of information that I have gleaned.

 

I will say that Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney is a much more balanced book on the same topic.

 

Jennie

[Psm73]

I have this book and unfortunately I do not like it. I bought it because it was highly recommended to me by a friend I trust & love. There were some good & valid points but I did find several passages that go against Scripture. I would state those passages here but I don't think it's really necessary.

 

To be honest, I got MUCH more out of The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands ... and the writer of that book isn't even a Christian. As with all things, read with discernment. If you find a consistent level of things "not sitting right", I'd stop reading. There are SO many other great books, I try not to waste my time on any that are "lukewarm", kwim?

[CLHCO]

It's a mixed bag. It does have good parts and can be helpful if you're a cranky witch to a rather nice, laid back fellow. If you're expectations and behavior are out of whack.

 

It may also work if you have a slightly difficult husband, who is really a leader type, and your resistance is the only thing causing conflict.

 

However, it can encourages a strong door mat mentality, which is not a good thing when the husband is abusive or wicked, with little real help in those areas, as though respecting a husbands every whim is all it takes to make a great marriage. It lays too much of the blame on the woman on the areas she can't really control - his sin.

 

I don't generally recommend books that would require a careful vetting process to see if the potential reader would be helped or hurt by it. ;)

[Tami]

I believe it is very legalistic, and that is just not who Christ was. A book that we enjoyed tremendously was Love and Respect. It was really great.

 

:iagree: I think the book would be more aptly titled "Created to be His Enabler." :D

[Kim in Appalachia]

I had to stop reading it, because I kept getting mad.

 

To me, it seemed like every problem in a marriage was the wife's fault. It was up to the wife to fix it by submitting to the husband, no matter how sinful he was being. There was no mention of confronting the sin.

 

I'm a conservative Christian, but I found some of the ideas repulsive. I could be wrong, or I could have read it somewhere other then that book (I do know it was from them, maybe their website or another article), but I even remember them saying that a wife should stay in an abusive situation. Somehow her submission and meekness would make him stop. I stop reading anything by them after I read that.

 

My recommendation for a book on being a Christian wife is The Excellent Wife, by Martha Peace.

[OnTheBrink]

 

To be honest, I got MUCH more out of The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands ... and the writer of that book isn't even a Christian. As with all things, read with discernment. If you find a consistent level of things "not sitting right", I'd stop reading. There are SO many other great books, I try not to waste my time on any that are "lukewarm", kwim?

 

I got a lot out of that book, too. And, I think it says basically the same things as the Love and Respect book. TPCAFOH is pretty much a "bottom line" book, whereas LAR goes into a lot of details, Scripture and the whys of it all. I think both have the same outcome, though.

[cathmom]

If you are looking for what is unbiblical, a friend of mine blogged extensively about this book: http://razorbackmama.homeschooljournal.net/2006/03/29/cleaning-up-my-sidebar/

 

I read it because I was going to participate in a Bible study on it. After beginning the book, I talked to my dh about how bad it was. We decided that I would read through the rest of the book and then decide about dropping out of the study. I did and found it horribly disgusting. She is so graphic, which is very disturbing next to all these quaint Victorian images! There is no way I would ever recommend this book to anyone, ever! It took me a long time to get the disturbing parts out of my head.

 

I also think the "Mr. Command Man" description is nothing but a license for abuse.

[Kim in Appalachia]

I ran across the website and it does a better job than what I could:

 

http://createdtobehelpmeet.blogspot.com/

 

I went and read the blog you mentioned. It is an excellent review! He does a good job in quoting the book and comparing it to scripture. It is not just a knee-jerk reaction, but a well thought out response. Thanks for the link.

Edited March 4, 2009 by Kim in Appalachia
to correct spelling

[LizzyBee]

I have some friends who love the book. I have not been able to bring myself to read it because their No Greater Joy magazine makes my skin crawl. I finally stopped trying to read it and I just throw it in the garbage when it arrives, so I can't remember any specific examples of what bothered me.

[Parrothead]

I ran across the website and it does a better job than what I could:

 

http://createdtobehelpmeet.blogspot.com/

I read that entire blog. I can't believe any woman with an ounce of self-respect would ever live in the way the blogger quoted the book. IMNSHO the Pearle lady has got to be wacked.

 

Is this the same family that advocates spanking grown children?

[Tabrett]

Ok, I'm going to take the opposition of the other posts. I loved this book!!! I couldn't put it down. My dh fit a particular description in the book and I started to understand how my husband thought. It helped me be a better mother and wife. I would recommend it to anyone. It helped me get off my butt and become more proactive. It helped my be able to cope with not getting enough sleep caused of my dc. It cause me to see that MY attitude effects my family. If I have a happy spirit, my children respond. If I am firm and don't yell and scream, my dc respond better. If I am joyful, my dc respond better. It helped my love my dh for who he is instead of who I wanted him to be.

 

I tend to be a slacker and need a good kick in the butt every once in a while. She is a good "butt kicker".:lol:

 

There are only 2 points about the book that bother me. 1-The title- "help meet" is a bad translation of the original Hebrew. The original Hebrew does not have a word that is translated into "Meet". It was a term that the writers of the KJV put in. It should just be "helper". The Pearls put a lot of emphasis on the word "meet"; a word that is not in the original Hebrew.

2-Staying in an abusive relationship-I think women should not live in an abusive relationship. It was not God's design for a man to abuse his wife and children. I will say that the Pearls DO think you should leave an abusive relationship and just not divorce you spouse, but I'm not sure that is what God intended. If my spouse abused me or my children, I would get a divorce. I don't think I would be under his authority(dh) at that point.

[Tabrett]

I read that entire blog. I can't believe any woman with an ounce of self-respect would ever live in the way the blogger quoted the book. IMNSHO the Pearle lady has got to be wacked.

 

Is this the same family that advocates spanking grown children?

They don't advocate spanking grown children. Spanking is for young children. About 11 or so and under.

[Tabrett]

I've been reading the blog. You would really have to have the book in front of you and read the references they are pointing to in the book. The blog is taking some things out of context from the book. I am checking what they are saying with the book right now.

[Guest janainaz]

I'm only stating my opinion here - I know others who have loved the book.

 

I very strongly disliked that book and that is putting it nicely. However, I did like The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace (not sure on the spelling of her last name). But, all in all, I just don't really love marriage books. In the big picture - the more you work on you and learn to accept the other person, the better your marriage gets over time. It's about grace and forgiveness and it's not overly complicated. There are only two commandments - love God and love one another.

[Kelli in TN]

:iagree: I think the book would be more aptly titled "Created to be His Enabler." :D

 

Sometime I miss rep so bad. I would have totally slung you some rep for that.

 

I'm gonna remember that line for the next time someone brags on that book to me.

[Erica in PA]

I haven't read this book, but I don't tend to care for any Christian "bandwagons," if you know what I mean. There are certain books, or Bible studies, or even diets, that become so lifted up in the Christian community that they become almost as authoritative to people as Scripture itself. They also have a tendency to make gray issues black and white, and to become divisive. Any resource other than the Bible is flawed, because it is the product of man. Of course these resources can sometimes still be helpful, but I think It's important to remember that they are just one person's perspective or interpretation. Imo, Christians tend to be too quick to latch onto these resources, instead of turning to Scripture for guidance.

[FlockOfSillies]

Once again, I find myself saying, "I totally agree with Erica in PA."

[phathui5]

Is this the same family that advocates spanking grown children?

 

They start spanking around 4 months and go well, forever.

 

They also ran an article where Mr Pearl recommended taking your husband back after he had sexually abused your children, so this is their sort of mentality about what men should be allowed to get away with.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I was given that book by a friend whose marriage is literally falling apart and has been for years. I took it at face value. I mean, there were a few helpful things in there and I applied those, but, the other stuff....ummm....nope. My dh would absolutely freak out if I suddenly just kept my opinions to myself and just did whatever he said or whatever he suggested. I didn't get that out of the book really, but, I've read a few other things by the Pearls, and I really don't have their worldview on a lot of things.

[Remudamom]

I haven't read the replies, but any woman who thinks her husband is "above God" is whacked.

 

I am to be my husband's helpmeet, and he is to sacrifice his life for me............which pretty much translates into I do my best to help him and he treats me better than he treats himself. Works for us.

[Parrothead]

They start spanking around 4 months and go well, forever.

 

They also ran an article where Mr Pearl recommended taking your husband back after he had sexually abused your children, so this is their sort of mentality about what men should be allowed to get away with.

Thanks, I thought that was them.

 

This whole thing makes me wonder exactly what goes on in their family. I feel for their children.

[Retired]

I linked a response about abuse.

 

She does recommend having the abusing husband arrested but don't divorce, forgive him, take him back when he gets out of jail

 

She also gives this advise if he abuses the children, press charges, have him put in jail for 20 years, raise your children, and when he gets out continue your marriage

 

She also states that if you divorce and remarry a great Christian man, you still will loose your children soles (salvation)

 

I would recommend reading this one article and you will get the whole idea of her ministry.

 

I don't agree with it and wouldn't recommend their writingshttp://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/marriage-family/husbandwife-relations/article-display/archive/1999/september/01/abusive-husband/

 

the article is a few pages long but really lets you see their point of view

[Melissa in CA]

:iagree: I think the book would be more aptly titled "Created to be His Enabler." :D

 

:lol: :iagree:

[Melissa in CA]

I have not been able to bring myself to read it because their No Greater Joy magazine makes my skin crawl. I finally stopped trying to read it and I just throw it in the garbage when it arrives.

 

So funny! I do the very same thing! My sister in law signed me up for their magazine because she really liked it and thought I would as well. All I can say is.....ICK! I don't even bother to read it. It goes right in the trash. This same sister in law has come to her senses and now no longer reads their stuff either. I know the Pearl's just want to help people....but something is just 'off' if you ask me. Not so much the spanking aspect of their ministry, as I do believe in spanking when necessary though not according to their odd standards, but their overall ministry just kinda creeps me out in a biblical sense. I have never been tempted to read "Created to be His Helpmeet." :tongue_smilie: There are better, more biblically sound books out there.

[Remudamom]

Oh gag, this is one of those Pearl people's things?

[Harriet Vane]

I haven't read the replies, but any woman who thinks her husband is "above God" is whacked.

 

I am to be my husband's helpmeet, and he is to sacrifice his life for me............which pretty much translates into I do my best to help him and he treats me better than he treats himself. Works for us.

 

:iagree: Well said. Excellent summary.

[Amber in SJ]

Everyone should go to the blog posted by Prairie and read the last paragraph on the second page of the review. That made my day!

 

Amber in SJ

[Heather in Neverland]

I haven't read the replies, but any woman who thinks her husband is "above God" is whacked.

 

 

 

:iagree: :lol::lol::lol:

[Quad Shot Academy]

Everyone should go to the blog posted by Prairie and read the last paragraph on the second page of the review. That made my day!

 

Amber in SJ

 

That was touching, thanks for posting it!

 

To find the paragraph she refers to, read the last paragraphin the conclusion:

http://createdtobehelpmeet.blogspot.com/2007/09/conclusion.html