WWYD? Involved grown adoptee, parents, and biological mother. Help.

[Laurie in VA]

Funny. I know nowhere else to ask. Anyone I would ask IRL is involved in this mess. I'll make it as short as possible...promise. If there are any details I leave out, or anything anyone wants to ask, feel free. I am an open book about this. :)

 

I was adopted at 1 mo. of age, and always knew it (my Mom & Dad told me from day 1). l Love my Mom & Dad dearly, and had a wonderful upbringing / life at home. I still talk to my Mom almost daily and my Dad at least 1x/wk. We live 3-1/2 hrs. apart and regularly see each other. I truly never, ever had the desire to search for my biological parents.

 

At the age of 32 (I am now 39) my biological mother found me. It was traumatic for all involved. My Mom, especially, was devastated. I spent the next few months trying to figure out what the "right" thing to do was: refuse contact so as not to upset my life or my parents', or allow contact with this woman who had obviously suffered for many years with the knowledge that she had a biological child out there somewhere.

 

So, I allowed contact. My parents were aware of this and it hurt them - especially my Mom - deeply. I saw my biological mother twice (7 and 11 mos. after she 1st found me) before becoming completely overwhelmed myself. I cut off all contact with her for several years. My parents were aware of this.

 

In 2006 it became imperative to me that I get all medical history possible, as we were going through some strange things with DD#2. I contacted my biological mother, and we have been in contact since. She is much more relaxed about things now and so am I. Although I know that she considers me her daughter, I do not think of her as a mother. I do, however, like her very much. We talk often. Email often. And even visit each other.

 

My Mom & Dad have no idea that this has been going on. I truly have prayed every day and tried to leave this in God's hands. Strangely enough, the very week that my biological mother and I started talking again, both of my parents stopped mentioning her and never have again. I have always maintained that if I am asked I will not lie, but can honestly tell you that I am so thankful they haven't asked.

 

FFw to today. My brother found me on Facebook. He wants me to be his friend. Well, that's where my biological mother and I communicate. Ther are pictures there. Wall posts. You name it. I am freaking out. If I delete everything from my biological mother she will understand but it will really hurt her feelings. If I leave her on there for my brother to find, he will be upset and may even tell my parents, which in turn will devastate them.

 

Am I wrong? I don't think I should have to choose (in general - not about FB). It's so unfair IMO that I have to be soooo careful about what everyone else will feel or think. Sometimes I want to scream that even though I am 39, I am still the baby in all of this. Please - any wisdom out there? I want to do what is right and at this point I am a mess.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think you and your mom need to have a long talk - or a letter if that is easier for you to write everything out. I think you need to affirm (again) that she is your mother and that you love her very much. Having contact and a relationship with your biological mother doesn't change that. Tell her that while you don't consider your biological mother your mom - you do consider her a friend. And that she needs to respect that. I would tell her this before your brother spills the beans about your biological mom's contact with you on facebook. Then I think you need to let your mom deal with her own feelings without you having to feel guilty for them.

[Veritaserum]

I agree. As hard as it might be for your mom to hear, I think it would be much healthier for you (and them) to let it be open. I can understand that your mom might feel threatened by this new woman in your life, but I think she should be able to get over those feelings with the reassurance from you that she is and will always be your mom. Your bio mother is a friend/aunt-like figure (perhaps?), not your mom.

 

I hope you can sort this out and that everyone can handle it with grace. :)

[Laurie4b]

I totally agree.

 

Love is not a zero sum game. When you have a new child, you don't love the older ones less because you love the new one. You don't love your real/adoptive mom less because you also have a bio mom/friend.

 

I think this is your real mom's issue to deal with and work through her feelings about. You are not doing anything wrong by having a relationship with both. Your mom is your real mom. Your bio mom is a friend. Your life is richer to have both women in your life. It shouldn't be a test of loyalty. Reality is that you have both a bio mom and an adoptive/real mom.

[Tap]

Wow, that is a huge secret you are carrying! And IMHO shouldn't have to!

 

I am an adoptive parent of a 2yo. I have spend the past year reading about the child's emotional health, the bio-family's emotional health...but not really about the adoptive mom's. Hmmmm, this is interesting to me, because this is ME. This is my role in the whole craziness of adoption and the emotional strain that goes along with it.

 

Personally, I would find a way to tell your a-mom. Let her know that you don't think of this person as a mom, but more of an aunt/cousin/friend from the past what ever is appropriate to you. If you refer to her as 'mom' on your facebook page, I would talk to db and tell him (after you tell mom) that you don't want that part of your life opened up to your parents just yet, and that you will 'friend' him when it is more appropriate. Or set up another profile and maintain two, one for bio family and one for adoptive. But the secrecy of both, will end up hurting everyone longer than need be.

 

If your communication with bio-mom is casual and not 'mommish' then maybe opening this up to your a-mom will lessen her ill feelings. Since only a few conversations with b-mom really upset your a-mom then it sounds like she is apprehensive, more than upset, about something in particular. To me the best way to get over apprehension, is knowledge. It is time for a heat to heart with a-mom. Print off some pictures of b-mom, print off some posts from Facebook, give her all the information she can handle. Give her nothing to be apprehensive about.

 

Then give her the chance to decide. Does she want to know about future contact or does she want to be kept in the dark. How in the dark? Would she rather be lied to about contact (possible but not likely) or just a don't ask/don't tell policy? Would she like little tidbits of information? Let her set the pace.

 

Realize that there is no draw for you a-mom to know b-mom. You have a draw to b-mom, she doesn't.

 

Also remember that when your mom adopted you, there wasn't the 'enlightened' nature of adoption that there is now. They thought that an adopted kid, was just like a bio, and that the person who raised the child was all that mattered. It is more complicated than that, but that is likely what your mother knows of adoption, because that is how it was handled back then. She isn't the adoptee, she may not understand your interests and desires, as well as that pull to know the who's, whats and whys of your b-mom's life. She may never get that, and that is okay. All she has to know is that you 'do get that' and 'need that' and 'want that'. Whether you share the info is up to you and her.

 

 

Good luck,

Tap

[Laurie in VA]

...you and your mom need to have a long talk - or a letter... I think you need to affirm (again) that she is your mother and that you love her very much. Having contact and a relationship with your biological mother doesn't change that...

 

I wish I could. When this all started back in '02 I tried talking to her and explaining everything. I wrote a heartfelt letter. We discussed things over...and over...and...

 

My Mom grew up in the '50s here in VA. Her family was wealthy. To be infertile and to have to adopt was embarassing and humiliating. She has never IMO delt with the fact that she couldn't have children. She is so afraid that blood is thicker than water, and no matter what I have said or done in the past she still thinks I will leave. I am terrified to bring all of this hurt back onto her...

[Happy]

Hugs to you Laurie. What a pickle to find yourself in.

 

I'm an adoptive mom of two. My oldest is 24 and youngest 18. We have closed adoptions. I'm trying to put myself in your mom's shoes.

 

Here is my perspective...sit down and tell your mom. I think sitting across from her, holding her hand would be a gentle, affirming way to do this.

 

Just as you and your bio-mom have gotten over the initial trauma of meeting, your mom and dad may have mellowed as well. I'm sure they feel threatened...I know I would have to work HARD not to. One of the things I've thought is that I'd love to meet my sons' bio-parents, but not have the bio-parents meet the guys. I suppose thats the mama bear in me wanting to protect them. ;) Perhaps your mom could meet your bio-mom and be a part of the relationship....share photos and memories, etc??? Just musing....

 

If you tell your mom that you contacted your bio-mom because of your dd#2, I'll bet she understands more. What mom wouldn't do what ever was necessary to help their child?

 

I'm sorry you find yourself torn, stressed, and worried. I'm going to try desparately to remember this if and when the times comes when my son's bio-moms enter our lives.

[Laurie in VA]

Sadly I can't picture my Mom ever accepting any kind of relationship that I have with my biological mother. It kills me, because I actually think that my Mom would like my biological mother if she happened to meet her in other circumstances. She thinks my biological mother is a "tramp" - that's what she was told by DSS (don't even get me started on that) - when in fact my biological mother was in hs and thought that my biological father was going to marry her until 2 wks before I was born.

 

It also really hurts because I can't help but think that I now don't really belong to/with anyone. I am no longer 100% my Mom & Dad's. And I am not 100% my biological mother's. That maybe doesn't make much sense if you're not adopted...I can't explain it. I just don't feel that I have that unconditional love that I used to feel...

 

I appreciate the posts, but am honestly insanely upset right now. I am getting off the computer but will check back later tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for caring enough to post.:grouphug:

[klmama]

:grouphug: I will pray for you as you seek a solution.

[Haiku]

To preface, I am an adoptive mom to two kids.

 

You were adopted in a time when adoptive parents really had no idea that anything about an adoption might one day become open. There was probably never any thought in their minds that your bio family might someday become part of your life. I am sure it is a difficult adjustment to make.

 

However, this is your life, and you have to make the choices that are best for you without feeling guilty about it. It's not your job to protect your mom from your valid desire to have a relationship with your birthmom. It sounds like you have discussed it at length and been very clear with your mom. I don't think you need to hash it out with her again, but I do think that, before your brother rats you out, it would be wise to tell your mom something like, "[birth mom] and I have struck up a friendship. This does not lessen my relationship with you, but it is a part of my life, and I don't like keeping it secret from you." Then I'd let it go. Your mom has no right to make you feel bad about it, and if she is having trouble dealing with her feelings, then she should see a counselor. It's her issue, not yours. I know that you love her and don't want to hurt her, but your mom is going to have to do the bulk of the work here. She can't change what is. She'll just have to learn to deal with it.

 

Goos luck, and :grouphug:.

 

Tara

[abbeyej]

Check and see what sort of limitations you can put on your brother as your "friend" on Facebook. It may be possible to do the settings such that he can't see anything but your basic info (no wall posts, no photos, etc)...

[Mommyof4ks]

No words of wisdom, but :grouphug: to you and your family. What a hard spot for you to be in.

[Kanga]

:grouphug:

 

I also have a secret relationship. It is with my ex-stepmother (and my ex-stepbrother and his family). My mom never adjusted to the fact that I didn't hate her (like my sister did) when she was my stepmom. My dad didn't understand why I didn't want to divorce her just because he did. And my current stepmother is threatened by the fact that I got along with my last stepmother. I love all of these people and I get along well with all of them. But I have given up trying to explain/justify my relationship with my ex-stepmom (who is a really good friend!), so I don't talk about it and they have stopped asking.

 

Normally I am a pretty straight shooter, but if I were in your shoes (and I very well could be in the future) I would tell my brother that I used that account to talk to friends about hsing and parenting and suggest another way to stay in touch online with him.

 

I am ready for the tomatoes!

[Christy B]

Sadly I can't picture my Mom ever accepting any kind of relationship that I have with my biological mother. It kills me, because I actually think that my Mom would like my biological mother if she happened to meet her in other circumstances. She thinks my biological mother is a "tramp" - that's what she was told by DSS (don't even get me started on that) - when in fact my biological mother was in hs and thought that my biological father was going to marry her until 2 wks before I was born.

 

It also really hurts because I can't help but think that I now don't really belong to/with anyone. I am no longer 100% my Mom & Dad's. And I am not 100% my biological mother's. That maybe doesn't make much sense if you're not adopted...I can't explain it. I just don't feel that I have that unconditional love that I used to feel...

 

I appreciate the posts, but am honestly insanely upset right now. I am getting off the computer but will check back later tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for caring enough to post.:grouphug:

 

Oh, dear. I have no advice for you, I'm sorry but I can't think of any suggestions. I, too, was adopted (at one week), in VA, by parents who grew up in the 50s. To compound all of the issues that you mentioned, I was also raised in a church that CONSTANTLY told me that if I ever was sad or confused about being adopted, I just didn't love God because after all, He gave me such a good family, yada yada yada. :glare:

 

Have you ever read anything by Nancy Verrier on adoption? She has some really profound insights about the "triad" of adoption (adoptee, birth family, and adoptive family). I had a lot of "lightbulb" moments reading her articles.

 

Best wishes to you as you try to sort this out. :grouphug:

[Twinmom]

Oh, honey, what tough spot to be in! IMO, you shouldn't have to face the issues you are facing right now. There's just no substitute for open, honest communication about adoption. Your adoptive mother may never be able to give you that gift, given her circumstances and the era of your adoption. Today, it would probably be different, though I'm sure that's no comfort to you right now.

 

As an adoptive mom, I'd have to bluntly say that your mom's issues need not become your own. She is the only one who has to own the fact that she is putting her own hurt feelings before her child's need for complete information about herself. I know that sounds harsh...please know that I really do understand where she is coming from and I hurt for her. I know as one who has experienced infertility just how deeply it hurts deeply to be judged over something that is outside of my control. However, the root of all of this are her own issues, not yours. You are not the source of her pain, nor is your birth mother. You should not need to keep secrets nor suppress your own needs to protect her from facing her issues. Again, I know this sounds harsh (and I don't mean it to!), but it is HER problem, not yours. The fact that my heart goes out to her doesn't change that. Being a mother sometimes means facing your own fears for the sake of your child. Adoptive moms know this intimately.

 

You can't change her or probably even soften it for her. All you can really do is to tell her the truth...that you love her, that she is your only mother, but that that you feel a natural tie of friendship with your biological family and intend to have them in your life. Tell her that you love her too much to hide that from her and that you will no longer do so. Tell her that you understand if she doesn't want to talk about it or hear about it, but that doesn't change the fact that you cannot close off this important part of your life. Tell her that you KNOW in your heart that the person who was there for you every day of your life is your REAL mother, and that knowing your bio mom just reinforces that truth for you. Your bio mom is your friend and nothing more.

 

Let her know that from now on, she can take the lead on whether or not you talk about bio mom as you know how much it hurts her. However, tell her that you hope that she will talk about it because you want to be able to share everything with your mom and not keep secrets. Give her a hug, let her own her own pain and pray for her. Then, put your brother on facebook if he wants to be. No secrets means no secrets. You don't have to throw it in her face every day, but there's no need to hide it, either. Doing so just gives it more power...the elephant in the living room and all that. Over time, she'll see that you are not going anywhere and will hopefully gain confidence. If she doesn't...please remember that you have NOT brought this pain into her life. You are NOT responsible for it...rather, as I often tell my littles ones, you were one that brought the joy of motherhood into her life.

 

It takes courage every time I reach out to my kiddo's birth parents, but I can tell you it has been well worth the effort. Strangely enough, our birth mom has become one of my closest friends! We share a bond of love for these children that no one else can fully understand. She understands intimately that she is NOT their mother, that she is not there every day to do the hard work of parenting, that she's given up her rights and a big chunk of her life to me. In turn, I understand the sacrifices she made and continues to make so that I'd have the privilege of being a mother. We've learned to love each other on that basis and our friendship has grown from there. It gives me great peace to know her, love her and not to have to fear her.

 

With courage, your mom might be able face her fears and find that peace as well. My prayers will be with you both.

Edited February 3, 2009 by Twinmom

[Scarlett]

Sadly I can't picture my Mom ever accepting any kind of relationship that I have with my biological mother. It kills me, because I actually think that my Mom would like my biological mother if she happened to meet her in other circumstances. She thinks my biological mother is a "tramp" - that's what she was told by DSS (don't even get me started on that) - when in fact my biological mother was in hs and thought that my biological father was going to marry her until 2 wks before I was born.

 

It also really hurts because I can't help but think that I now don't really belong to/with anyone. I am no longer 100% my Mom & Dad's. And I am not 100% my biological mother's. That maybe doesn't make much sense if you're not adopted...I can't explain it. I just don't feel that I have that unconditional love that I used to feel...

 

I appreciate the posts, but am honestly insanely upset right now. I am getting off the computer but will check back later tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for caring enough to post.:grouphug:

 

Laura, I'm so sorry for your pain. I have a similar situation because my mom was abandoned by my bio dad...she was 20 and he told her 'it is your problem.' Now, at age 43, my bio sister who is 40 has contacted me...I feel so disconnected from everyone, as if I don't really belong to anyone. :( My mom and step-dad (who is the best dad I could hope for) aren't 'against' me being in contact with my sister...but the bio dad...we haven't talked about that yet. I've arranged to meet my sister in a neutral city the end of February and I'm really, really nervous.

 

It is all good for everyone to think you should just 'set your mom' straight..:( But I totally get how you feel. I would be more inclined to ask your brother for his understanding and discretion. Would he do that for you?

[msjones]

I was adopted as an infant, too. I have never contacted my biological mother for fear of a situation similar to yours. But, if she contacted me, I'm sure I'd allow contact, just like you did.

 

I also understand the not-belonging-100%-to-anyone feeling. Ick. It's a brand-new feeling for me, as my mom has just recently talking more about my being adopted. (I had given my adopted-ness very little thought previously.) I have this new and very unsettling feeling that she doesn't think I'm really hers. (She adopted 3 of us and then became pregnant. She is much closer to my sister --her bio child-- than to the rest of us.)

 

I'm not sure this is good advice, but I suggest doing what feels the best to YOU. You didn't start any of this and all involved are adults responsible for their own behavior. Whatever you choose to do, you have no need to apologize or take care of those involved.

 

Practically speaking, could you just quit your Facebook account entirely? That would simplify one aspect of all this. You could just begin regular emailing with your bio mom -- then there would be no public relationship to 'manage.'

 

Best wishes to you.

[Happy2BaMom]

...but I am a foster parent who has experienced (and been trained on) the complexities of triads between birth parents, foster parents, adoptive parents, etc. In some cases, it's more than a triad.

 

Anyway, my point is that these ownership-of-a-child's-heart issues are so deep and so to-the-raw-core for most people, that, in my limited experience, they are are not resolved by any amount of talking. People seem to be able to deal with - or "get" - them, or not. I think you need to decide whether total honesty with your adoptive mom in this situation would be helpful to YOU or not. If not, then you will have to find another way around the situation.

 

It is my observation that if total honesty in a close relationship is desired, then that requires a joint responsibility - a commitment to tell the truth, yes, but also a commitment from the other party to not totally freak out when the truth is told. If that latter commitment is lacking, you have someone who doesn't want the truth, only a pre-approved attractively-packaged version of the truth. My point (sorry, it's late) is that the responsibility is not yours alone.

 

I'm starting to wander here, so I'll sign off. I'm sure there will be those who disagree with me, but this is just my humble opinion and this is a free speech country.

 

You can tell your mom everything, I'm just not sure any of the ambiguity will go away or that contact with your bio mom will be any easier.

 

Best of luck to you in picking your way through this minefield.

[ma23peas]

You must tell the truth, and be HONEST, you have NO responsibility of guilt in forming a relationship with your birth mother...you have complete love and respect for your mom and dad and they must be big enough people to know what a beautiful and gifted daughter they raised and how selfish and self-serving it is for them to withhold that gift from anyone even out of guilt.

 

My husband is adopted, his sister is adopted...10 years ago this week she found her birth mother and it was hard for 2 years but now she is soo happy that she can embrace both families..you can't let selfishness/insecurities/guilt rule your decision making skills. Truth, honesty, love...those will see you through...just go to your parents and tell them that you wanted to speak to them about it and that you're SORRY you didn't tell them earlier, but from past experiences you felt you were protecting them from hurt...have it out..have your parents join Facebook, they may even find some long lost friends from years ago..

 

Be honest, love them, it will always serve you well!

 

Tara

[KristenS]

((Hugs))

 

I'm half-adopted ... my mom divorced an extremely abusive husband and remarried when I was about 5. Our new father adopted us.

 

When I was 19 (and after my dad passed away), my birth father's family contacted us. It was very traumatic. (They also had the gall to do it on Mother's Day, of all things.) They just showed up on our doorstep.

 

After all that shock and confusion, my sister and I later made the decision to drive up north and meet our birth father. It hit my mom hard. He, and his family, had been so awful to her (though even she will admit they were never awful to us), that she just couldn't accept that we might want to meet him.

 

Now, I hardly have contact with the man ... his fault, not mine, the man just can't write a note to anyone. But I do contact his mother a few times a year, and send photos of my kids, and stuff.

 

Since our contact has been minimal, my mother calmed down somewhat. I think it helped when we affirmed that yes, he'd been horrible, and yes, he still had a temper, but he had sure mellowed a lot. There have been rough moments (like when my sis wanted to invite them to her wedding), but since mostly it has nothing to do with her, and she can see that they are NOT usurping a parent's place in our hearts, she has let it go. We mostly don't talk about it with her.

 

I know that's not the same as your situation, it's a different kind of hurt, but I just wanted to say, I understand where you're at. I wish I could have better relations with them all, but it just hasn't worked out. I am so sorry you have to keep this secret, and I hope that your mom will understand when she is told.

 

This is the sort of thing that counselors can help with, help you understand how to talk to her and bring things up. The book Boundaries can be good too, to keep you from carrying guilt and worry that isn't yours to carry. (And it's cheaper than counseling, LOL.)

[amyable]

I was adopted at 7 weeks. When as a young 20-something I brought up searching to my adoptive parents, my serious and strong father wept like a baby. I honestly think it would kill my father (seriously) if he ever found out I had met or had a relationship with my birth parents (I don't - but not for lack of trying on my part!)

 

I am typically one for total honesty, but if I were in your shoes I would most likely just tell my brother something general like suggested above about Facebook, "I don't use it much so there's no point in 'friending' you," or "I use it differently than most people," ...not exactly lies, YKWIM?

 

You need a safe place to talk with your birth mom.

 

I understand so many of the feelings you have expressed here. If you ever want to talk, PM me!

[Laurie in VA]

TY all so much for the support and advice. It really means so much to me. I was going to try and answer a few questions/comments all in one post but it's not going to work. Forgive me for the many posts that are to follow:

 

I can understand that your mom might feel threatened by this new woman in your life, but I think she should be able to get over those feelings with the reassurance from you that she is and will always be your mom. Your bio mother is a friend/aunt-like figure (perhaps?), not your mom.

 

When you have a new child, you don't love the older ones less because you love the new one. You don't love your real/adoptive mom less because you also have a bio mom/friend.

Yes, my biological mother is like a good friend, nothing more. I told my Mom that she's like some nice lady that I met on the 'Net. Period. It didn't help. :( Back in 2002 I actually wrote the following to my Mom & Dad, hoping it would help them understand. Sadly it didn't.

 

"

I know that this is going to be hard on you. Please know that it is so very hard on me as well. I need you to understand that I am not looking for another parent , or even a parental figure. When I married (DH)...I didn’t stop being your child in order to become his wife. When (brother) married (SIL), she didn’t become my sister and your daughter, but

did

become a member of our family. We all play many roles: mother, father, wife, husband, parent, child…We add friends and family members into our lives all of the time. I am no less your daughter because I am now a wife and a mother, and you two will be no less my Mom and Dad because (biological mother) has been allowed into my life.

"

 

[Laurie in VA]

Personally, I would find a way to tell your a-mom. Let her know that you don't think of this person as a mom, but more of an aunt/cousin/friend from the past what ever is appropriate to you...maybe opening this up to your a-mom will lessen her ill feelings. Print off some pictures of b-mom, print off some posts from Facebook, give her all the information she can handle.

 

Tap, ty so much for your thoughtful reply. How wonderful that you are already doing so much reading about the members involved in adoption! You sound like a great mother and person.

 

I am sitting here teary-eyed. How I wish I could do everything your post suggested. But I can't. All that has been tried before to no avail. My Mom truly can't see the forest for the trees on this one. She is so consumed with the whole blood is thicker thing (she's a Virginia blue-blood - names, bloodlines...they are all extremely important to her).

 

I truly think that we all "forgot" that my brother and I were adopted over the years. When my biological mother found me I think it was like a slap in all of our faces. I think it was worse for my Mom, who had just watched me go through my 1st pg which was hard enough on her. Then 3 mos. later my biological mother found me. Another "reminder" of my Mom's perceived failure as a wife and mother...

[Laurie in VA]

...Just as you and your bio-mom have gotten over the initial trauma...your mom and dad may have mellowed as well. I'm sure they feel threatened...I know I would have to work HARD not to. One of the things I've thought is that I'd love to meet my sons' bio-parents, but not have the bio-parents meet the guys.

 

If you tell your mom that you contacted your bio-mom because of your dd#2, I'll bet she understands more.

 

Yes, my parents will absolutely understand why I initiated contact again. We went through a scary surgery for a tumor DD had on her back, and she also shows early signs of depression (I have suffered from it all my life) and OCD. I needed to know these things for my girls first, and for me as well. And I now have a wealth of info.

 

Funny you mention the desire to meet your DS's biological parents but not have them meet your DS. My brother and I once said that we would like to see what our biological parents looked like (we have different biological parents), but never have them see us. Like we would spy on them from across the street, LOL then make a fast getaway! :auto:

[Danestress]

(1) You are an adult and have no obligation to tell your parents who you spend time with.

 

(2) The longer you don't tell the truth the worse it will be, and it's diminishing already to your relationship with your parents to continue the way this has been going.

 

So I can understand not telling them because you don't *have* to do so. You are a grown woman.

 

But if I were voting, I would be swayed toward the side of "the truth will set you free." And the thing is, I bet that as your mother has to cope over time with the reality that you have a friend in your bio mother, she WILL cope better, though she may never love it. But at least your will have a relationship based on honesty and mutual respect- that you treat her like and adult who can be expected to accept circumstances she may not love.

[Stacy in NJ]

I think to a certain degree you need to stop trying to protect your adoptive parents. Be honest with them about both your developing relationship with your biological relations and your deep feeling of love and permanent affection for them (love and affection for adoptive parents). Try to reassure you mom as much as possible, but she needs to come to terms with the fact that you are going to have at least a marginal relationship with your bio mom. You're in such a difficult situation (hugs to you), both groups need to offer you a bit of grace. Ask them all for it. Ask them to see and understand how you feel.

[Nakia]

I have no experience with this, but I want you to know I am praying for you as you make this decision. :grouphug:

[Catherine]

If you are pretty sure your Mom can't accept your relationship with your bio mom, and it sounds like she can't, and probably isn't going to change, then I would simply protect her by communicating in a less public place with the bio mom.

 

I personally find deception like this very very difficult, but I would do it myself if I thought my parents' feelings were at stake and there was no way to help them to accept it, and I knew in my heart that I was not doing anything wrong.

 

OTOH, if you think your Mom might have changed, you can always try again. Hugs to you-this sounds very difficult.

[gamommy]

I think you and your mom need to have a long talk - or a letter if that is easier for you to write everything out. I think you need to affirm (again) that she is your mother and that you love her very much. Having contact and a relationship with your biological mother doesn't change that. Tell her that while you don't consider your biological mother your mom - you do consider her a friend. And that she needs to respect that. I would tell her this before your brother spills the beans about your biological mom's contact with you on facebook. Then I think you need to let your mom deal with her own feelings without you having to feel guilty for them.

 

That's some good advice. I know it's not quite the same but as an adult I've developed a relationship with my biological father, but my step father nurtured and raised me. For years I found it awkward to mention one of them to the other. At my wedding I actually walked myself down the aisle specifically to avoid this issue. I use the distinctions 'father' and 'dad' in my heart and have finally allowed myself to have a chat with both of them and explain that. I don't know if they truly like it, but they've accepted it and we've all moved forward.

[The Governess]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry that your parents aren't accepting this relationship. My dd2 was adopted internationally, and while it wasn't an open adoption, I am making myself remain open to the fact that, when my dd is older, she may be interested in reaching out to her birth family. I want it to be her own decision, uninfluenced by guilt or loyalty to me and dh. I feel that the way your parents are acting is putting an unfair burden on you. You haven't done anything wrong! There is room in your life for both relationships, and it's sad that your mom and dad can't understand this. I wonder if there is a book/literature that you could give them to read that would help them realize that having a relationship with your birth mom isn't going to subtract from your relationship with them.

 

As for not telling them the truth, I can totally understand your hesitation. But I have a feeling that the truth will come out eventually (it usually does) whether you decide to tell them now or not. As for facebook, I would be cautious. Even if you don't approve your brother's friend request, he can probably already search your friend list (the default privacy setting allows you to look at people's friend lists even if they aren't your friends). So if he would recognize your birth mother's screen name on your list of friends, then he might already know that you two have linked up.

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope that somehow your parents figure out a way to accept your new relationship. But if they don't, it's a reflection on THEIR issues, not on you.

[Laurie in VA]

To preface, I am an adoptive mom to two kids.

 

You were adopted in a time when adoptive parents really had no idea that anything about an adoption might one day become open. There was probably never any thought in their minds that your bio family might someday become part of your life. I am sure it is a difficult adjustment to make.

 

The little my Dad has said about the whole thing revolves around the fact that my biological mother has gone back on her word to never search for me. DSS told my parents several untrue things about my biological family - made them look much worse than they actually were. I know that was the way it was in 1970... anyhow my parents were assured that she would never look for me, but she doesn't remember signing anything of the sort, although she admits that she could have. Like I said earlier, it shocked all of us when she found me. It just wasn't something we ever thought would happen.

[Carol in Cal.]

DSS told my parents several untrue things about my biological family - made them look much worse than they actually were.

 

And I can't help wondering whether it's really true, or whether it's just what your biomom has been telling herself all these years to make herself feel better.

 

I don't think that you should necessarily believe her and not DSS. I'm not saying not to trust her, but just that this was a long time ago, and she may be remembering it wrong. Also, does it really matter? Is she a better person in your eyes than she would have been if the DSS was right? Would what you've been told DSS said wrongly stop you from having a relationship with her if it were true?

 

I think that it's very reasonable to want to know her. There is a kind of fascination with blood relationships, and how things could have been different that is quite natural. And I can understand why your parents would feel diminished by this.

 

I'm not sure whether you really know how it was in 1970. It was not just that having s*x and then bearing an out of wedlock child was disgraceful and messed up your whole future. It was also that everyone, EVERYONE, said that the very best adoptions are completely anonymous; that children must be encouraged to completely leave behind their biofamily for their own good; that nurture TOTALLY trumped nature (this was, in some ways, an unfortunate outcome from a very good national soul-searching based on racial bias issues); and that biomoms who gave up their children were pretty much the enemy and did not have their best interests at heart if they ever tried to get in contact. Also, infertility was pretty much considered a debilitating and 'you're not quite a true woman' sort of thing. So your parents would have been embarrassed as well as protective if it got out too far that you were adopted, and probably feel that they are not just being undermined as parents by your biomom, but also that they are being attacked and that their relationship with you is being attacked.

 

I'm not saying that they are totally right, but the mindset about such things has changed so much more than it is easy to express since 1970. It's not surprising to me that they haven't quite changed with it.

 

I think that it's kidding oneself to have info on Facebook and think that it is private at all. If I were you, I would look for another means of communication with your biomom, erase your Facebook site (if you can), and start over if you really want to have one, with just information that you'd be glad to have in every newspaper in town. Social networking sites, even this one, are not nearly as private as they feel.

[Laurie in VA]

And I can't help wondering whether it's really true...I don't think that you should necessarily believe her and not DSS....Also, does it really matter?

 

I'm not sure whether you really know how it was in 1970...having s*x and then bearing an out of wedlock child was disgraceful and messed up your whole future...EVERYONE, said that the very best adoptions are completely anonymous...nurture TOTALLY trumped nature...and that biomoms who gave up their children were pretty much the enemy...infertility was pretty much considered a debilitating... So your parents...probably feel that they are not just being undermined as parents by your biomom, but also that they are being attacked and that their relationship with you is being attacked.

 

TY for your thoughts. Although I obviously was not born until '70, I have the exact same impression of the times as you wrote. I do agree that my Mom & Dad feel attacked as well. I just hate all of this...

 

As for DSS, the reason I believe that they lied is because on some things we know they did. For instance, my Mom & Dad were told (as was my biological mother if I remember correctly) that I would never be placed in the same town where my biological mother lived. In fact, they all lived in the same town. Just minutes apart. My Mom & Dad were told that my biological parents looked very much like them (to ensure that I would look as "natural" as possible in my adoptive family). Truth is, they didn't look a thing alike - I am blonde-haired and blue-eyed in a family of brunettes with brown eyes. They also said that my biological mother was callus and had no trouble signing the adoption papers. She was 17. A senior in hs. And thought until two weeks before I was born that my biological father was coming home from the Air Force to marry her. Maybe she signed me away as easily as they said but I don't buy it. I do agree, though, that as time passes memories fade and most people "remember" theings that reflect themselves in a more favorable light.

 

Who knows...and like you said it doesn't really matter anymore.

[Carol in Cal.]

In so many ways, it is really unfair to you.

 

:grouphug:

[lionfamily1999]

I think you're okay for now, but if you start to conceal your relationship with your bm (lmho, bio mom, but that's a hilarious abbreviation), then you will have started down the path you wanted to avoid. If your brother says anything, just answer him, like it's the most normal thing in the world for you to be in contact with your bm, which it sort of is.

[Laurie in VA]

Sorry to keep posting so much - I just can't answer everything in one. My brother was adopted two yuears after I. He has different biological parents. Like me, he never has had the desire to search (at least, not that I know of).

 

My brother & I have never been close. We never communicate, unless it's a holiday or birthday. We don't not get along, we just aren't close, KWIM? At any rate, since my biological mother found me, my brother has been especially distant. I could go on and on, but I think it all boils down to the fact that although he has no desire to be found, he wonders why it is that his biological family isn't searching for him. I believe that he is hurt by that (even if he doesn't really want it to become a reality) - I truly do.

 

My brother and I often joke that one or the other of us is "The Chosen One" in our Mom's eyes. When he went through his embarassing (to my Mom) skate-rat phase - with the long hair and skater-boy attire - I was The Chosen One. I was a prep with stylish hair and good grades. She wasn't embarassed of me. Then I hit my awful teenage rage year in 11th grade and ran away. My brother became The Chosen One then. He had shaped up and she could be proud of him. When I met and married a wonderful man who was in the USMC and stationed in Hawaii I became The Chosen One again. How fun to tell all her friends about wedding plans, etc.

 

OK - so this sounds awful, and is honestly probably more fiction than truth (about my Mom actually having a Chosen One), but I have been The Chosen One for awhile now and I have to honestly say that my brother would probably love to take the opportunity to step a few paces ahead of his big sister. He probably wouldn't hesitate to bring it up to my Mom in a casual conversation, "Oh, I had no idea Laurie and (biological mother) were talking again. Why didn't you tell me?.....Ooops, you didn't know that, Mom? Oh I am sooooo sorry."

 

It's all so messed up.

[Laurie in VA]

I have a similar situation...Now, at age 43, my bio sister who is 40 has contacted me...I feel so disconnected from everyone, as if I don't really belong to anyone...I've arranged to meet my sister in a neutral city the end of February and I'm really, really nervous.

 

I will be praying for you. It can certainly turn your world upside down, can't it? I hope all goes well for you.

 

I was adopted as an infant, too...

 

I also understand the not-belonging-100%-to-anyone feeling. Ick. It's a brand-new feeling for me, as my mom has just recently talking more about my being adopted. (I had given my adopted-ness very little thought previously.) I have this new and very unsettling feeling that she doesn't think I'm really hers.

 

It just kills me to read that. I know exactly what you are feeling. For me it came when I was pg with DD#1. My Mom couldn't handle seeing me with my huge belly and watching my husband talking to the baby. One night she had had 1 glass of wine too many and she actually called me back to her room (we were visiting) and cried to me about how my precious baby was not "really" her grandchild...that she had failed my father...etc. What that said to me at that very moment was that I was different. All those years I believed the lie that I was the exact same as any child that was biological, but I wasn't. That's when I realized that I didn't belong 100%. It's an awful, awful feeling. I am so sorry that you know what I am talking about.

 

I'm half-adopted...

 

I know that's not the same as your situation, it's a different kind of hurt, but I just wanted to say, I understand where you're at. I wish I could have better relations with them all, but it just hasn't worked out. I am so sorry you have to keep this secret, and I hope that your mom will understand when she is told.

 

I was adopted at 7 weeks...I understand so many of the feelings you have expressed here. If you ever want to talk, PM me!

 

Thank you both :)

 

I also have a secret relationship. It is with my ex-stepmother (and my ex-stepbrother and his family)...

How difficult that must have been / must be for you. I feel for you - thanks for sharing that with me.

 

Thanks again for all of the posts. If any of you ever want to, please PM me.

[Katrina]

Although I understand that the whole adoption issue is foremost in your thoughts, as far as the facebook account goes, I think you should be allowed to have private relationships with anyone without a family member having to read everything. I'm thinking of it as a privacy issue. I literally just signed up for facebook earlier this week so I completely don't understand the different things you can or cannot do on facebook, but if you don't want your brother reading your messages to your bio mother, you shouldn't have to. I understand that facebook isn't exactly a private medium, but you get the idea.

 

In other words, even if you told your db and dm that you were talking to your bio mother again, that doesn't mean he can/should be able to read your private coorespondance with her. Think of it as two seperate issues. I do like the idea of having two different accounts with one for family. That way when and if you decide to tell your family about it, it wont be because of fear of getting found out but because it's what you feel is right at the time.

 

I don't have any practical advice about the deeper issues though. Good luck! :grouphug:

[KrissiK]

Hugs! I agree with trying to be as honest as possible. I can understand your Mom's position to a certain extent. I'm an adoptive mother of 3 young children and one of my greatest fears was that my kids would find their bio families some day and run off with them and I'd be chopped liver. I know that's kind of a dumb fear, but it comes from watching too many soap operas. (that always happens on soap operas). So, I don't know what to say. Just, that I feel for you!

[msjones]

I will be praying for you. It can certainly turn your world upside down, can't it? I hope all goes well for you.

 

 

 

It just kills me to read that. I know exactly what you are feeling. For me it came when I was pg with DD#1. My Mom couldn't handle seeing me with my huge belly and watching my husband talking to the baby. One night she had had 1 glass of wine too many and she actually called me back to her room (we were visiting) and cried to me about how my precious baby was not "really" her grandchild...that she had failed my father...etc. What that said to me at that very moment was that I was different. All those years I believed the lie that I was the exact same as any child that was biological, but I wasn't. That's when I realized that I didn't belong 100%. It's an awful, awful feeling. I am so sorry that you know what I am talking about.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you both :)

 

How difficult that must have been / must be for you. I feel for you - thanks for sharing that with me.

 

Thanks again for all of the posts. If any of you ever want to, please PM me.

 

(I don't know how to splice these quotes up, but I'm responding to your comment to me. ) I'm intrigued to read how similarly our moms are behaving. As soon as my sister's twins were born (her first and only bio grandchildren) the adoption comments began. It truly is remarkable how much those twins look like the rest of my family. Naturally, my kids (her only other grandchildren) don't look anything at all like my parents or uncles or aunts. This seems to have brought up some new feelings for my mom.

 

For example: She actually said recently that my grandparents aren't "officially" my children's great-grandparents. (I had just asked for some pictures of my grandpa's farm to show my boys.) I was stunned. So stunned that I said nothing. What could I say?

 

I have never felt adopted up until now. I really have given the 'issue' very little thought. It was a non-issue, really. And I'm 40 years old! All of a sudden I feel like her adopted orphan girl instead of her daughter. Now that it's talked about, I feel like some sort of add-on or extra. Yuck. I just wish she could have kept her thoughts to herself. It does me no good to know she feels this way.

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me get this out. And I truly hope some resolution can come to your situation. It sounds so emotionally exhausting.

[amyable]

 

 

It just kills me to read that. I know exactly what you are feeling. For me it came when I was pg with DD#1. My Mom couldn't handle seeing me with my huge belly and watching my husband talking to the baby.

 

 

Ugh. I understand this too, although my mom seems to have "come around" a bit. But we have five children, and I think for awhile she really took it as a "slap in the face". She did have a biological child though (my older brother). She's been bitter about many things in her life, at least I know it's not just me. :tongue_smilie:

 

HUGS to all of you.

[LND1218]

I haven't read all the replies, but if it were me, based on what you have said about your mom struggling with this. I don't think anything you say will remove her fears of losing you or help her deal with her past.

 

I would set up another email address if you don't have one then another facebook account. I would have one for b-mom to communicate and one the rest of the family. This won't be the last person to find you on facebook, and you will deal with this over and over. So have one mainly for b-mom and one for everyone else.

 

I am an adoptive mom (2 adopted and 2 bio), and my mom freaks out greatly about our b-moms. She was upset when we agreed to use b-mom's name. My mom respects that it's our decision. She has been very accepting that this is our choice not hers. And we have made her meet our ds's b-mom to help with this. But were she the mother she would never allow this or consider it. And I know there is no reasoning with her on it. So I would just keep them seperate personally.

[LND1218]

I have now gone back and read the whole thread.

 

Hugs to all of you!!

 

I am so sorry.

 

I am glad that much has been learned from the mistakes of adoptive parents and social workers years ago. I think my children will benefit as we learn from the mistakes of the past for that I am grateful.

 

Your mom has much to deal with that she will probably never deal with. I see that with my MIL who is older than your mom or my mom even. But she is now in failing health having never dealt with some similar things in her life ~ things that today aren't as big of a deal. Things that if she could move beyond would free her to live a happier life. It's so sad,

 

As a women who has been through infertility, I can understand how hard that must have been espcecially then for your mom. As a mom who has both bio and adopted children, I hurt for you all who have felt/are feeling "adopted" instead of like their child. (Not sure how else to phrase that!)

 

I think part of it was the times not just IF or adoption but in general. I dont' think our parents were able to feel or deal with feelings like we do now. And many things got put away only to come out after too much wine or in a melt down. And those things aren't even about you but their own failures and shortcomings.

 

I really hate that parents can be so hurtful. My mom has felt that.

My grandma actually wrote my mom a letter saying I love you, but you know I dont' really like you. That greatly impacted her, and I think this plays a huge roll in her feelings toward our b-moms. And I really don't think any good could come from pushing her. (She has to support and accept our decisions for the sake of our children, but she doesn't have to be reminded of it or be privy to all the details - you know. I think it's best for all of us to have space between my mom and our b-moms at least for now. The day may come when she is over her own pain and can deal better, but until then it's best for all to have that space.)

 

Okay so I am rambling now...

 

I still think personally that nothing good would come from telling your mom. However if you do feel the need to tell her, I still wouldn't allow them to read your facebook page. And I would create one just for them.

 

HUGS!!

[CherylG]

Tap, ty so much for your thoughtful reply. How wonderful that you are already doing so much reading about the members involved in adoption! You sound like a great mother and person.

 

I am sitting here teary-eyed. How I wish I could do everything your post suggested. But I can't. All that has been tried before to no avail. My Mom truly can't see the forest for the trees on this one. She is so consumed with the whole blood is thicker thing (she's a Virginia blue-blood - names, bloodlines...they are all extremely important to her).

 

I truly think that we all "forgot" that my brother and I were adopted over the years. When my biological mother found me I think it was like a slap in all of our faces. I think it was worse for my Mom, who had just watched me go through my 1st pg which was hard enough on her. Then 3 mos. later my biological mother found me. Another "reminder" of my Mom's perceived failure as a wife and mother...

 

You are such a sweet, kind-hearted sensitive daughter. I acknowledge you for putting your mom's feelings above your own. I totally understand the blue blood thing. That is a deeper thing that is a part of her upbringing and her soul; they really can't be untangled.

 

I will pray that God will show mercy to your mom and relieve her of her feelings of failure and to your brother and his new found feelings of rejection. That she will see the life that she has with you and your children, and with your brother and your dad and rejoice with you!

 

May you have peace in whatever decision you chose.

Edited February 10, 2009 by CherylG

[CherylG]

(I don't know how to splice these quotes up, but I'm responding to your comment to me. ) I'm intrigued to read how similarly our moms are behaving. As soon as my sister's twins were born (her first and only bio grandchildren) the adoption comments began. It truly is remarkable how much those twins look like the rest of my family. Naturally, my kids (her only other grandchildren) don't look anything at all like my parents or uncles or aunts. This seems to have brought up some new feelings for my mom.

 

For example: She actually said recently that my grandparents aren't "officially" my children's great-grandparents. (I had just asked for some pictures of my grandpa's farm to show my boys.) I was stunned. So stunned that I said nothing. What could I say?

 

I have never felt adopted up until now. I really have given the 'issue' very little thought. It was a non-issue, really. And I'm 40 years old! All of a sudden I feel like her adopted orphan girl instead of her daughter. Now that it's talked about, I feel like some sort of add-on or extra. Yuck. I just wish she could have kept her thoughts to herself. It does me no good to know she feels this way.

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me get this out. And I truly hope some resolution can come to your situation. It sounds so emotionally exhausting.

 

...with thoughtless comments, I try to remind myself to be real careful with my words to my adult kids. Off-hand comments can truly wound us and I am sooo sorry for your pain.