What do you do about CONSTANT complaining?

[fairfarmhand]

My son, age 16, is about to make me lose my mind. He spends every school day, every time I see him complaining nonstop about school. (sometimes he interjects a long boring story about this youtube video he saw once) I am so sick of it. I have told him that I can't change it. He has to pass the 10th grade to graduate high school. I ask him what he wants me to do about it. He says there's nothing I can do. So it's just constant griping. 

He has no learning disabilities. He's a good student. He's not over his head. He just gripes. and gripes. and gripes. 

I'm so done with it.

(I do recognize the irony of my griping about HIS griping. )

[prairiewindmomma]

"I understand that you need a person to vent to about your frustrations.  But, when you vent about your frustrations, I receive that as you using me as a dumping ground for your negative emotions. It doesn't feel good to receive that.  I'm glad that I'm a safe person for you to vent to, but for my own mental health and sanity...." and then say whatever your boundary and consequence are going to be. 

I give my kids a 3 minute freebie, but constant griping gets fined...with whatever stick works for that kid.  Usually I carrot and stick.  I reward going x amount of time without griping, and I assign either a financial penalty or a chore (depending on the kid) for griping. Emotional labor is labor. If they are asking me to do labor for them, they can do physical labor for me. 

FWIW, my constant dumper of emotions doesn't want to do the emotional labor of sorting through their own frustrations, so they just kind of pile it all up in their brain and then dump their problems on me.  I realize that that is a growing emotional skills phase of development, and I want them to know that when they need me, I'm there for them, but also I'm not able to handle constant all day long dumping.  They can make a list and vent at me later in the day when I'm able to listen, and then go for a walk and let go of their transferred stress. 

When a kid comes up to me and starts to dump I will stop and ask them, "Is this a problem that you need help solving right now or are you just frustrated?" 

[SKL]

Good question.  Lately, one of my 17yos criticizes everything.  It's tiresome.

I've called her on it, and she then realizes how it sounds, but so far there hasn't been much change.

Will be listening for ideas.

[EKS]

Is he being homeschooled?  I mean, I realize this is a homeschooling board, but my response changes depending on the situation.

If he is being homeschooled, presumably there is some flexibility to change what he is doing.  Every time he complains, I'd ask him what his solution is and tell him if he doesn't have any suggestions that you don't want to hear his complaints.  Also suggestions about not doing any schoolwork and the like don't count as suggestions.

If he is not being homeschooled, I'd tell him that he is allowed to complain about a single thing each day for three minutes and after that...fill in the blank (you will walk away, he loses a privilege, whatever works in your family).

[Rosie_0801]

I'd tell him I've listened very nicely for (however many weeks) and now my ears are full. Then I'd walk off.

Or you could record it and play it back to him. 😛

[Junie]

I used to struggle with complaining a lot.

Two things specifically helped me:

1. Recognizing the problem and wanting to change.

2. Keeping a thankfulness journal.  Several times a week I write down some things that I feel grateful for.  

[fairfarmhand]

3 minutes ago, Junie said:

I used to struggle with complaining a lot.

Two things specifically helped me:

1. Recognizing the problem and wanting to change.

2. Keeping a thankfulness journal.  Several times a week I write down some things that I feel grateful for.  

Thank you for this. I appreciate your honesty. Maybe I need to require as many I’m thankful as I allow complaints. 

[Drama Llama]

I have had success with setting a stop watch, and just starting it whenever the whining starts, and then stopping it when it stops.  Sometimes the visual brings home how much time is being wasted, and is enough, and sometimes there needs to be a consequence tied to it.  

Being able to say "You spent 2 hours 13 minutes complaining today.   If you hadn't complained, we would have finished at 1:27, instead of now at 3:40" can help kids see the problem.  

[Jaybee]

This may not work very well for you, because my sons were much younger at the time. But I was homeschooling the two youngest--maybe around 6th and 3rd grades? And they got in the habit of whining and complaining. So one day I brought out a jar with a lid and put it on the table. I told them that when they whined and complained, they had to give me a quarter to put in the jar. (Inflation would make that more, now.) If I had to listen to all the whining and complaining, then I should get to take myself out to a coffee shop by myself, and I might even get a dessert too. In fact, I could hardly wait! I think from that point on, I only got two quarters. They just needed something to make them aware of what they were doing and to break the habit. It was understood that if they were having trouble with something or really needed something to change, that I would work with them on that. With a teenager, I'd see if I could come up with something similar but age appropriate. Sometimes they just don't realize how much they are doing it, and what it sounds like to others.

[Pippen]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

My son, age 16, is about to make me lose my mind. He spends every school day, every time I see him complaining nonstop about school. (sometimes he interjects a long boring story about this youtube video he saw once) I am so sick of it. I have told him that I can't change it. He has to pass the 10th grade to graduate high school. I ask him what he wants me to do about it. He says there's nothing I can do. So it's just constant griping. 

He has no learning disabilities. He's a good student. He's not over his head. He just gripes. and gripes. and gripes. 

I'm so done with it.

(I do recognize the irony of my griping about HIS griping. )

Once with a child of a somewhat younger age, the moment they started complaining, I dropped everything and sat down at the kitchen table with them. I had a pen and notebook with me and I gave them my full attention and then I started listing out every single complaint. When they got it out of their system, I reviewed the list with them, assured them they had been heard, then I closed the notebook. The next time they started complaining, we sat back down and repeated the entire process. And again, ad nauseam. 

It didn't take long for them to get the message.

[Lucy the Valiant]

22 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

This may not work very well for you, because my sons were much younger at the time. But I was homeschooling the two youngest--maybe around 6th and 3rd grades? And they got in the habit of whining and complaining. So one day I brought out a jar with a lid and put it on the table. I told them that when they whined and complained, they had to give me a quarter to put in the jar. (Inflation would make that more, now.) If I had to listen to all the whining and complaining, then I should get to take myself out to a coffee shop by myself, and I might even get a dessert too. In fact, I could hardly wait! I think from that point on, I only got two quarters. They just needed something to make them aware of what they were doing and to break the habit. It was understood that if they were having trouble with something or really needed something to change, that I would work with them on that. With a teenager, I'd see if I could come up with something similar but age appropriate. Sometimes they just don't realize how much they are doing it, and what it sounds like to others.

At a similar age here, I filled (clean) small glass jars with colorful m & m's and labeled them with each kid's name. Every time I heard a complaint, I'd EAT one from that jar, and then stand there grinning with this goofy face "inviting" the kid to complain again. Any m & m's left at the end of the time period (I think it was 3 days??), the kids got to eat. 

It worked shockingly well (m & m's are not standard fare here, heh), and every now and again, we'd set the whole thing up again just to do a re-set. Sometimes I made my own jar, too. 😉  

 

[Katy]

If it helps, the idea that expressing negative emotions helps has been \disproved. It's more like wallowing in self-pity leads to depression.

One thing that helps is brief, hard exercise. It's also one of the healthiest ways to deal with stress. Think about assigning it, even just 3 minutes of sprinting.  Or sprint to that tree, or to that gate, or sprint around the barn, or whatever. If he still feels like complaining when he comes back, have him do it again. He will probably have a genuine physiological response and be happier.

The same thing is true for saunas and cold plunges. Anything that makes you gasp for breath.

[Clemsondana]

Memories become stronger by repeatedly recalling the event - that's why studying the same thing a little each day helps you to learn.  I remind my complainer that the thing that they repeat over and over is the thing that they are going to remember.  It doesn't always work, alas.  

[KungFuPanda]

Demand them in writing?

[fairfarmhand]

2 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Demand them in writing?

Ooooooo…I like this. 

[fairfarmhand]

2 hours ago, Katy said:

If it helps, the idea that expressing negative emotions helps has been \disproved. It's more like wallowing in self-pity leads to depression.

One thing that helps is brief, hard exercise. It's also one of the healthiest ways to deal with stress. Think about assigning it, even just 3 minutes of sprinting.  Or sprint to that tree, or to that gate, or sprint around the barn, or whatever. If he still feels like complaining when he comes back, have him do it again. He will probably have a genuine physiological response and be happier.

The same thing is true for saunas and cold plunges. Anything that makes you gasp for breath.

Interesting…I saw this yesterday which seems related.

 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5jQmykO5BX/?igsh=MWtlbjFraXJ0eg==

Edited April 23 by fairfarmhand

[KungFuPanda]

Confession time. DS was a renowned complainer. One teacher reported “if he’s not complaining he’s not happy.”  He’s the reason we own iamoutraged.com. We were going to have him record his litany of complains from petty to warranted.  We suggested he do a complaint of the day YouTube. He never did anything with his website so we used it as a memorial. 
 

My sister bought him grumpy cat stuff because Grumpy Cat was his patronis. His sister got him these complaint forms.

 

 

[SKL]

So today, my kid went shopping with her friend to look for the friend's prom dress.

I warned my daughter not to be negative like she's been about so many things these days.  I told her to find something good to say about every single dress, whether or not she would recommend said dress.  She said, "OK."

Later, I asked how it went.  They found a dress.  I asked about her negative/positive comments.  "I was positive.  Mom, I know how to be positive."

This was in between a stream of complaints about her not wanting to be where we were, not wanting to do what we were doing, not wanting to see the person we'd come to see ....

[BusyMom5]

I have one like this, drives me crazy!  I believe that starting that negative story in your head is a habit- a mentally unhealthy habit.  It's true that we do need to vent, and I'm happy to be the listener, but at some point it goes beyond vent into speading negativity- or even spewing negativity on everyone around you!  

[Drama Llama]

38 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

Confession time. DS was a renowned complainer. One teacher reported “if he’s not complaining he’s not happy.”  He’s the reason we own iamoutraged.com. We were going to have him record his litany of complains from petty to warranted.  We suggested he do a complaint of the day YouTube. He never did anything with his website so we used it as a memorial. 
 

My sister bought him grumpy cat stuff because Grumpy Cat was his patronis. His sister got him these complaint forms.

 

 

Your son was beautiful and your honored him so beautifully.  Thank you for sharing.  

[KungFuPanda]

6 hours ago, Drama Llama said:

Your son was beautiful and your honored him so beautifully.  Thank you for sharing.  

Thank you so much for saying that. I’m not sure “We memorialized it” is quite the solution that @fairfarmhand was looking for. 🤣 I do understand her frustration though. It’s not the easiest habit to live with.

[saraha]

7 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Confession time. DS was a renowned complainer. One teacher reported “if he’s not complaining he’s not happy.”  He’s the reason we own iamoutraged.com. We were going to have him record his litany of complains from petty to warranted.  We suggested he do a complaint of the day YouTube. He never did anything with his website so we used it as a memorial. 
 

My sister bought him grumpy cat stuff because Grumpy Cat was his patronis. His sister got him these complaint forms.

 

 

That was beautiful 

[Chris in VA]

On 4/23/2024 at 5:59 AM, fairfarmhand said:

Interesting…I saw this yesterday which seems related.

 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5jQmykO5BX/?igsh=MWtlbjFraXJ0eg==

That is fascinating--Eye movement side to side is the basic  exercise of EMDR, a trauma reduction therapy. It does, indeed, reduce the stress response over time.