Can I say it again, I hate WoW!!

[Julpost]

I know it's not the game itself that is the problem but I'm just venting....

 

We've had a great day. Really, it's been fun. Everyday actually is pretty good. Until about 8:30pm...then you can literally see dh getting antsy as every minute passes until he can get onto his game. I rented a movie weeks ago (from Netflix) and we still haven't watched it because dh hasn't been willing to give up his game one night so we can watch it together. I asked him, just for tonight, one night, let's watch the movie together, could he skip his game just this one time? I even said it would mean so much if he chose me over the game this one night, for Christmas.

 

Na da...afraid not. I told him I feel abandoned because of this game. He didn't answer that. So I finally just said I'll watch the movie myself tonight because sometimes you just have to give up. He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "I'll just give up on this." He said, "ok"....and went to set up for his stupid, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID game!!!!! I'm yelling this at the top of my lungs, inside my head!!!!!

 

Can I say it again....I HATE THAT GAME!!!! Maybe losing our electricity for a week wouldn't be so bad! Maybe I'd get my dh back at night. :mad:

[teachermom2834]

I am dealing with some similar issues. They are to a lesser extent yet so frustrating (and often heartbreaking).

 

Sorry I don't have anything to offer.:grouphug: I don't know what the answer is to this.

 

Marie

[Heather in Neverland]

I can send you a sledgehammer if you'd like. :D

[Veritaserum]

That is annoying. :( A remedy I've found is to play WoW with dh. :)

[cathmom]

I sympathize. My dh plays as well.

[Scuff]

That is annoying. :( A remedy I've found is to play WoW with dh. :)

 

 

lol! I was just going to suggest that! If you can't beat them, join them. It'll bring you together, promise ;) You can be grateful he waits until 8:30 ;) (ducks, please don't through tomatoes!)

 

But seriously, I used to hate DH playing so late and being alone in the evenings and going to be alone, ect, ect. So I started playing with him. It's fun and he LOVES it when I play with him. And we've made friends with other couples in the game, which is nice. Lately he's been playing less and policing himself more. Sometimes I wonder if it was the best thing to do; it's such a time waster. (but so are so many other things we choose to do) So, I'm not saying it's the best thing for you, but think about it.

[Jenny in Florida]

I "lost" my husband to WoW about three years ago. And, no, I have no intention of playing with him. I have a life.

[Mesa]

My dh "lives" WoW too.....

 

(As I walk away and mumble. stupid game)

[flyingmommy]

My husband cycles through all the MMOs. Wow, Everquest, Everquest 2, Anarchy Online, City of Heroes, I can't even name them all. I tell him he has MMO commitment issues.

 

Years ago, I would fume and fume about his staying up playing computer games. I guess over the years I just decided to be glad that at least he was home and in the same room (most of the time). I will say that lately, he has been choosing to watch tv with us, play Rock Band with the kids, that kind of stuff. And if I asked him to get off the computer, he would. He might not like it, but he would. I usually don't ask him, though.

 

I know marriages and relationships that have broken up over computer gaming. I think both parties really have to be willing to give or it can't end well.

 

Good luck. I hope you guys can find a balance that will keep you both contented.

 

J

[JWSJ]

I joked with my wife that I was getting myself WoW for Christmas.

 

She was not amused.

 

We know of multipule families that have real issues revolving around WoW.

[JennifersLost]

What if you left?

 

I'm not even kidding. Pack up the kids, grab the credit cards and take off for two weeks.

 

Or better yet, be around every day until 8:30 and then disappear to a hotel. See if he even notices.

 

I'm a person who believes in talking out your problems. And then every once in a long, long, LONG while throw a MAJOR HISSY FIT!

 

Your husband will not thank you 10 years from now for living with ongoing resentment. He will not thank you for being nice about it. He will say something really lame like, "Gee honey - I wish I'd known how important that was to you."

 

Tomorrow get the suitcases ready. Make a reservation. And the minute he sits down at the computer, slip out the door with the kids.

[Colleen]

I'm not familiar with WoW (what does that stand for?), but just reading your post, I feel very sorry for you. It sounds like your husband is actually addicted to this game. Does he have an addictive personality in general? It seems like outside help is in order.

 

:grouphug:

[orangearrow]

OK, when I first read this post, I thought WoW was the Wheel of Wow on Webkinz. :p I was confused, wondering why your dh was obsessed with getting his spin on the WoW for the day. lol

 

No advice, but I'll wish you good luck. I've heard of several families in similarly frustrating situations with this game (now that I know what game you're discussing!).

[dawn of ns]

Na da...afraid not. I told him I feel abandoned because of this game. He didn't answer that. So I finally just said I'll watch the movie myself tonight because sometimes you just have to give up. He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "I'll just give up on this." He said, "ok"....and went to set up for his stupid, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID game!!!!! I'm yelling this at the top of my lungs, inside my head!!!!!

 

You know, speaking as someone easily addicted to the computer, he was waiting for that. The whole point is to frustrate you until YOU are the saying it's okay for him to go play the game so he thinks he's off the hook.

[Night Elf]

Considering my signature, I probably shouldn't be posting in this thread. But I agree the problem is not with World of Warcraft, it's with your DH. If you are feeling this much angst, you really should do something about it whether it's talking to him or seeking counseling.

 

I hate to see my favorite game get such a bad rep in a thread like this. It's actually quite fun and challenging. But just about anything can become an addiction. Seek out the underlying problem. Just my nonexpert advice.

[Melinda in VT]

I know you've posted about WoW before, so I recognize that the larger issue is probably much more significant than yesterday . . . but it doesn't sound like he was that "bad" yesterday.

 

He was home with the family all day? Opening presents? Troubleshooting the furnace? Cooking dinner? (I think I'm remember that last one correctly, but I may be confusing you with someone else.)

 

And then, once the kids were in bed, he played WoW?

 

I understand you wanted him to watch the movie with you, but it doesn't sound like his computer playing was excessive yesterday.

 

I wouldn't complain to him about the computer playing last night. It might make him less likely to listen to you about the times that his computer usage is out of line.

[Tammy]

nt

[Stacy in NJ]

My dh doesn't play any computer/video/games systems. He does occasionally play Wii with my sons, but it's not his preferred way to spend time. I do find it difficult sometimes to keep him in the moment, spending time with us, focusing on our family. Understandably, his work consumes much of his mental engergy, even on holidays and vacations he's emailing and accepting phone calls. He has a lot of hobbies; Aikido, boxing, learning Japanese, building furniture.

 

Over the years I've had to learn that his interests aren't a threat to our marriage and family, but I've also had to set limits for him.

 

My advice to you would be first to be really honest with him about your feelings of abandonment. The resentment you're feeling should be expressed openly, but in a positive way (if that's possible). Most importantly, TELL HIM WHAT YOU NEED. If you need him to spend a night with you snuggling on the sofa watching a move, tell him. Give him the opportunity to realize how his sorta obsession is negatively impacting your feelings and marriage. You may find, if you clearly communicate to him your needs, that he'll be quite willing to modify his behavior.

 

HTH, Stacy

Edited December 26, 2008 by Stacy in NJ

[Lady Q]

I'm not familiar with WoW (what does that stand for?), but just reading your post, I feel very sorry for you. It sounds like your husband is actually addicted to this game. Does he have an addictive personality in general? It seems like outside help is in order.

 

:grouphug:

 

WoWb = World of Warcraft My husband is a gamer, but I'm lucky in that he doesn't like massive multiplayer online games and is very good at policing himself. My issue with a game like WoW is that, unlike an RPG that we buy for him to play through, it never ends. :P I'm sorry, op. :(

[Joanne]

I hesitated to post in this thread as I suspected what you needed/wanted was hugs.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

 

However....

 

Well, your husband is an addict. It is absolutely, positively as much of an addiction as a substance abuse addiction. (Indeed, there are chemical changes in his body that exacerbate the problem). It's a myth that there needs to be "an underlying problem" that the addiction to WoW hides such as depression, abuse as a child, etc.

 

Your response (and here are some gentle {{{hugs}}}) was understandable but non productive and passive/aggressive. It is pretty typical of the untreated spouse of an addict.

 

Among other things, my xh was online with his now wife for the last years of our marriage. I know *all* about the antsiness, edginess, and papable need he had to get on the computer and play (ostensibly, it was spades). I remember the "vibe" that no one disturb, interact with or attempt to modify his plans. I remember well his mental planning of when he could get on with the least amount of harping from me. I remember, at times, it was easiest to let him play than to try to insist on normal family functioning.

 

I can't tell *you* what to do. I can tell you that I will NEVER live in a marriage with an addicted, unwilling spouse again. And I would have a plan, written contract and legal advice. I will never again be in the position to beg for normalcy, respect, intimacy, family time and not having to walk on eggshells in my own home.

 

I won't offer more suggestions (unless you ask) than this:

 

Get help as the spouse of a person with an addiciton. *Your* behavior and thinking are the only things over which you have power.

[dawn of ns]

I know you've posted about WoW before, so I recognize that the larger issue is probably much more significant than yesterday . . . but it doesn't sound like he was that "bad" yesterday.

 

He was home with the family all day? Opening presents? Troubleshooting the furnace? Cooking dinner? (I think I'm remember that last one correctly, but I may be confusing you with someone else.)

 

And then, once the kids were in bed, he played WoW?

 

I understand you wanted him to watch the movie with you, but it doesn't sound like his computer playing was excessive yesterday.

 

I wouldn't complain to him about the computer playing last night. It might make him less likely to listen to you about the times that his computer usage is out of line.

 

I think that if he can't make it through an important day without WoW, it's excessive. He doesn't seem likely to listen in any case. Her first response from him was silence, the second was to go play WoW.

 

Joanne's right. This is an addiction and things will only change, one way or another, when the OP takes real action with that in mind.

[Julpost]

I think that if he can't make it through an important day without WoW, it's excessive. He doesn't seem likely to listen in any case. Her first response from him was silence, the second was to go play WoW.

 

Joanne's right. This is an addiction and things will only change, one way or another, when the OP takes real action with that in mind.

 

So, what kind of action would someone recommend? I want this to change but believe me, talking doesn't do one bit of good. Leaving seems kind of excessive to me...over a computer game? But what does it mean that he chooses the game over his wife? What would Jesus say to do? Turn the other cheek? Forgive him and move on?

 

I'm almost tempted to go talk to our pastor myself. I'll try to talk to dh once more today, I'll be more upfront with him. But then...what?

[mommylaw]

I'm sorry. It stinks. And no I will not join in and encourage the huge time sucker. :(

 

It isn't quite that bad, yet. If I ask he will get off. Dh does spend time with me in the evenings after the kids are asleep. But any opportunity he has to play, he'll take it. I hate it.

 

It's the first thing he does in the morning as he doesn't have to be at work until 9. He wakes around 5:30, with the littles, and plays while they play at the train table. There are days that I have to go in and say "You have 15 minutes to get to work are you getting dressed today?" I'll get an eye roll and attitude as he shuts it off. WTH?

 

I don't get it. It's a freaking game.

[dangermom]

So, what kind of action would someone recommend? I want this to change but believe me, talking doesn't do one bit of good. Leaving seems kind of excessive to me...over a computer game? But what does it mean that he chooses the game over his wife? What would Jesus say to do? Turn the other cheek? Forgive him and move on?

 

I'm almost tempted to go talk to our pastor myself. I'll try to talk to dh once more today, I'll be more upfront with him. But then...what?

I feel for you. It's difficult to say 'leave' over a computer game--he's not drinking, after all. But he certainly sounds seriously addicted and I do agree that you need to do something. I guess I would start with making a list of how all this impacts your family life and esp. your marriage. How often do you get to go on a date with your husband? Would you like to? Is WoW taking the place even of teA? Do the kids see enough of their dad? etc. Show yourself the extent of the damage that's being done and then show him.

 

My husband (who is sitting here) says that he needs to have it pointed out to him every time he injures you. Like, when you planned to watch a movie together and he wouldn't, you have to say "You are injuring me by choosing the game over time with me. This is hurting me and hurting our marriage." Every single time it happens, you have to say so right then; no silent stewing and resentment. I guess that would be speaking the truth in love. If he's sinning by neglecting his wife and family, it's no favor to him to allow him to do it without protest.

 

Otherwise, I really am stuck. Leaving is so drastic, but then you need drastic, it seems. It wouldn't be the same as leaving forever, just for a little while, right? Like a vacation, only a 'get a clue' leaving? Have you discussed counseling with him? I'm pretty sure it's been mentioned here, but I can't remember.

 

I'm so sympathetic to you, but I don't actually know what you should do. :grouphug:

[laughing lioness]

In total agreement with Joanne.

[Joanne]

So, what kind of action would someone recommend? I want this to change but believe me, talking doesn't do one bit of good. Leaving seems kind of excessive to me...over a computer game? But what does it mean that he chooses the game over his wife? What would Jesus say to do? Turn the other cheek? Forgive him and move on?

 

I'm almost tempted to go talk to our pastor myself. I'll try to talk to dh once more today, I'll be more upfront with him. But then...what?

 

 

Here's the deal. You wouldn't be leaving over "a computer game". You'd be leaving the reality of living with an addict. Let's substitute words. You don't leave an alcoholic over "beer". You leave an alcoholic over unrepentent, unadmitted addiction to beer.

 

Untreated addiction has constant life draining, quality of life compromising effects. I used to moderate a private forum for Christian Moms about addiction: here are some cut and pastes of my own words for you Know that I am not anti alcohol (I'm due at work in a bar in 3 hours!) and I'm not anti computer or role playing games (I'm a level 96 in one myself, but not active anymore).

 

You are correct: talking to him won't help. Neither will leaving. If you leave with the thought, idea or hope that it will "shake him up" and "make him realize how serious it is", you are once again setting yourself up for disappointment. If you leave (or some form of leaving), it needs to be because your family deserves to live without the daily effects of living with an addict.

 

About addiction, specifically alcohol, but it applies to any addiction:

 

 

First, know that the end of acting out, being clean or sober is the *beginning* of recovery. It's not the end. It gives recovery a chance, but does not define or symbolize it. Removing the substance or behavior is the starting place; it does not represent health or recovery.

 

The above is important.

 

It's also important to know that recovery from addiction is a slow, slow, slow process. It truly takes YEARS. Not weeks or months. I married my xh at 2.5 YEARS clean and sober. Experienced people told me "it's too soon to make that choice", but I figured they didn't know what they were talking about. embarassed mad They did. I once had an AA sponsor who "didn't take anyone seriously until they had 5 or more years". I thought she was at least partly kidding; until I passed 5 years a few times over. think shifty I get it now.

 

Addiction is multi-caused. It always has a physical component. Always. Put alcohol in my body and (science has proven, btw), and my body reacts in a way to crave/need more. There are chemcial reactions to gaming, gambling, spending, sex, porn, etc that the individual physically becomes dependent. But if the disease/behavior were *all* physical, abstince would take care of recovery.

 

That's not the case. Abstinence gives recovery the chance. Because the real issue of addiction is emotional, mental and spiritual.

 

When abstinence starts, the process of recovery can begin. It's my experience, opinion and observation that recovery - true recovery - always comes from spiritual experience. This happens most often in 12 step or 12 step inspired settings; but is not limited to those settings. The hairy part is resistence to "meetings" or "12 steps" or other similar settings is usually nothing more than the function of denial and wanting to act out, use, drink, stay sick. I do not believe that AA or related places are the only places to get well. But I do believe that most of the resistence to them is not legitamite but rather a function of the illness itself.

 

Here's another truth; those intimately involved with the addict are ALSO spiritually sick. They are sick differently, perhaps (although having their own addiction is common), but they are also spiritually sick. They sought and found the addict out of unhealed places, stayed and participated out of unwellness and have gotten more sick as the addict has. That is why help, meetings, accountability and active recovery is essential for the related people.

 

So, back to recovery. There is a place in the AA Big Book (the main text) that talks about the alcoholic (substitute addict as needed) being "restless, irritable and discontent." The context of this statement is when that addict is *sober*. Unless they can find the fix to take the edge off, they remain unwell, unhealthy, unrecovered EVEN IF SOBER.

 

That's why a spiritual experience is essential. A spiritual experience can be sudden, and followed by a series of proven action. Or it can be experiential and over time, including a proven outlined recovery plan. If an addict is clean/sober/abstinent but not in active recovery, they will seek and manifest unhealth in a variety of ways.

 

IMO and IME, here are the essential elements for recovery - not abstinence but complete recovery:

 

1) PEOPLE. Specifically people who have BTDT with the issue involved.

2) Accountability to at least one person.

3) Growing, maturing, ongoing spirituality; belief

4) An honest, lead evaluation of your past.

5) Amends: verbal, written, ongoing, financial

6) Service work with others

7) Principled living; living according to His will and His principles

 

I do not believe (and have not seen anyone in my nearly 17 years of recovery) who has recovered without those elements in some form.

 

Yes, it has to be ongoing for the rest of their lives; but no, not as intensely as early on with such things as meetings.

 

Yes, recovery groups and organizations and systems are inherently human and flawed and do contain unhealthy aspects.

 

No, it is not ok to substitute another addiction to get over an addiction.

 

Recovery is like a spiral "up". You will revisit each human character defect at a deeper, more sophisticated level as the years go by. When I first got sober, I needed to not write bad checks and not steal toilet paper from the clubhouse where I got sober. Today, my issues with honesty and integrity are much less......base. But they are still issues.

 

There is a theory I agree with, to an extent, that personal development and maturity is halted and arrested in an active addict. I believe this is accurate. So, you may have a 35 year old who acts like they are 22; that is because the function of the addiction in their lives prevented them for age expected maturity, from growing through seasons in life; from growing up.

 

Here is a related truth: Drinking/using/acting out is the LAST act in a relapse. A relapse occurs before a person drinks (or whatever). When the relaspse is complete, that person returns to active addiction.

 

Therefore, recovery means staying in the active levels of recovery. I like to say there are "12 steps" between me and a drink. There have been times when I have relapsed (but not drank) into "7 steps" between me and a drink. Or 3. You get the picture. It's (not)working the steps in reverse order:

 

I stop helping others.

I stop praying.

I stop taking personal inventory and making amends.

I admit fewer character defects.

I do look at my behavior.

I do not give my life to God (I take it back)

I do not believe God can help me

I am not powerless over alcohol; I am in control.

 

It's scary stuff.

 

And, yes, selfishness, dishonestly, immaturity, and excess in many areas are common to unrecovered addicts whether they are drinking or not.

 

Living with a gaming addict is crazy making for all people in the home. It's an insane way to live. The reality is that it doesn't matter how "right" you are about what he should do. As each day goes by, you get more sick, more drained, more effected. So do the kids.

 

Please, though, don't think that taking action on your part will change him.

[Julpost]

Well, I don't even know where to begin...I'm tempted to just ignore him and get on with my own life. I know it sounds pathetic, but I don't really have the time or energy to help dh work through an addiction that he has no desire to be rid of.

 

I don't see that I can leave, that would be extremely traumatic for the kids. If this is what dh wants for a marriage....I do have other friends and can make a good life for myself. It's just that we would become room mates essentially.

 

Perhaps I should talk to our pastor.

[SapphireStitch]

Well, I don't even know where to begin...I'm tempted to just ignore him and get on with my own life. I know it sounds pathetic, but I don't really have the time or energy to help dh work through an addiction that he has no desire to be rid of.

 

I don't see that I can leave, that would be extremely traumatic for the kids. If this is what dh wants for a marriage....I do have other friends and can make a good life for myself. It's just that we would become room mates essentially.

 

Perhaps I should talk to our pastor.

 

I think you should. I don't have personal experience with this problem. But your pastor and/or elders of your church are there for a reason.

 

And before someone mentions this...yes, I know, pastors don't always say the right thing or have the right knowledge to deal with the problem. But as a Christian, if you have gone to your DH in person about this (and you obviously have) you are RIGHT to go seek help from the people God has placed over you in church. If your husband is a believer, he needs to be held accountable by his fellow-Christians. If he's not, then they need to be there to support you and witness to him.

 

Your husband is addicted to something, which is a temptation. By giving in to the temptation, he is sinning. By holding him accountable for his sin, you are truly loving him. Letting him get by with it is not loving.

 

I don't imagine it would be easy to go talk to your pastor about this. It might be the hardest thing you ever do, but it might be the one thing you can do that can begin a change in your marriage.

[Julpost]

I should say I spoke. He mainly yelled. I can't believe it.

 

I told him I thought his gaming was affecting our marriage in a bad way. He basically said he really didn't care, that he needs this stress relief and this is what he's going to do. He evidently has a lot of anger towards me and has never expressed it. He sure did tonight. I feel like everything has been a lie. I thought things were basically good, that he just had this gaming problem. He doesn't care how I feel (his words), he thinks that I am resentful and angry about his gaming but it's how he feels towards me, so that's fair. We moved to a new church, I thought we were in agreement over that. He doesn't like that I tell people I want to move closer to family because he feels that people distance themselves from us. I have not noticed that at all. He seems to really think the worst of me. And, quite honestly, I would have had NO idea if we hadn't just had this conversation. This is really quite a nightmare. I wish I had somewhere to escape to. I can't leave. I've got a 1 year old and 3 year old that I can't just take off with. He sounded so crazy. It's like I don't even know him.

 

How do you know someone is not in agreement with you, if they never say that? In fact, they say the opposite.

 

I just can't even believe it. I just feel sick.

[Joanne]

Well, I don't even know where to begin...I'm tempted to just ignore him and get on with my own life. I know it sounds pathetic, but I don't really have the time or energy to help dh work through an addiction that he has no desire to be rid of.

 

I don't see that I can leave, that would be extremely traumatic for the kids. If this is what dh wants for a marriage....I do have other friends and can make a good life for myself. It's just that we would become room mates essentially.

 

Perhaps I should talk to our pastor.

 

 

I think building your own quality of life is vital. It's the only way to mitigate the effects of living with an addict. In no way do I recommend helping an addict who doesn't want to change/help/to quit. The thing is, though, it's likely you'll need help *yourself* in order to move on with life.

 

I have some very harsh reality for you, though. It's *already* traumatic for your kids to live in a marriage with this dynamic and to live with an active addict. I'm not suggesting that going is better, but that staying carries a significant and life long impact as well.

 

My own kids still suffer with issues related to xh's computer/game behavior They always will.

[astrid]

:grouphug::grouphug:

Sending hugs, but those seem so pathetically inadequate. I'm so sorry. It sounds as if you are in shock.

 

I know it seems inescapable right now, but I do think you and the kids have GOT to go. Somewhere. That anger isn't healthy, and it does seem as though he's made his choice. Do you have family with whom you can stay?

 

Again, I"m so sorry....I"ll keep a thought for you and wish you peace.

 

Astrid

[Julpost]

:grouphug::grouphug:

Sending hugs, but those seem so pathetically inadequate. I'm so sorry. It sounds as if you are in shock.

 

I know it seems inescapable right now, but I do think you and the kids have GOT to go. Somewhere. That anger isn't healthy, and it does seem as though he's made his choice. Do you have family with whom you can stay?

 

Again, I"m so sorry....I"ll keep a thought for you and wish you peace.

 

Astrid

 

No, my family is in Alaska. My best friend has moved. I have a lot of aquaintances but no one I could go stay with right now.

[Joanne]

I should say I spoke. He mainly yelled. I can't believe it.

 

I told him I thought his gaming was affecting our marriage in a bad way. He basically said he really didn't care, that he needs this stress relief and this is what he's going to do. He evidently has a lot of anger towards me and has never expressed it. He sure did tonight. I feel like everything has been a lie. I thought things were basically good, that he just had this gaming problem. He doesn't care how I feel (his words), he thinks that I am resentful and angry about his gaming but it's how he feels towards me, so that's fair. We moved to a new church, I thought we were in agreement over that. He doesn't like that I tell people I want to move closer to family because he feels that people distance themselves from us. I have not noticed that at all. He seems to really think the worst of me. And, quite honestly, I would have had NO idea if we hadn't just had this conversation. This is really quite a nightmare. I wish I had somewhere to escape to. I can't leave. I've got a 1 year old and 3 year old that I can't just take off with. He sounded so crazy. It's like I don't even know him.

 

How do you know someone is not in agreement with you, if they never say that? In fact, they say the opposite.

 

I just can't even believe it. I just feel sick.

 

Hon, you are dealing with an active, unrecovered *addict*. His thought process, behavior, focus and mind set are fundamentally flawed. You are approaching him expecting a reasoned, reasonable, sane response. You won't get one; he's not capable.

 

He's not doing this because of your desire to move, his anger towards you, stress, or your new church. He's going to use *every* situation he can to excuse his gaming/game time, blame you and not face anything that might move him closer to having to quit his drug of choice.

 

Please, get some specific help for the spouse of an addict. It's the only way, with or without him, you'll learn the tools to produce peace and quality of life for you and your kids.

[Julpost]

I think building your own quality of life is vital. It's the only way to mitigate the effects of living with an addict. In no way do I recommend helping an addict who doesn't want to change/help/to quit. The thing is, though, it's likely you'll need help *yourself* in order to move on with life.

 

I have some very harsh reality for you, though. It's *already* traumatic for your kids to live in a marriage with this dynamic and to live with an active addict. I'm not suggesting that going is better, but that staying carries a significant and life long impact as well.

 

My own kids still suffer with issues related to xh's computer/game behavior They always will.

 

There must be some way of having a good life with my kids and just maintaining the status quo with my husband. I just don't see any alternative. I don't want the kids to suffer. If I ignore this and just do things to keep life going in our house, it's not like he's on the game all day. He gets on at night at about 8:30pm. They have usually gone to bed. How can his gaming affect them? If I don't talk to him about it anymore, then there won't be any arguing. I could pursue a strong relationship w/God and I know from past experience, He can maintain me and He has even "talked" to my husband and gotten him to change some behaviors in the past. I have my sister and best friend to talk to on the phone. The kids are enough to keep me plenty busy. Can't that be enough? I could talk to the pastor, I'll try to, but since my husband isn't willing to change, I don't see what the pastor can do, other than pray.

[JennifersLost]

Oh, Julpost - I am so, so sorry you are going through this.

 

BUT...I was there (with an addict) and I remember staying and putting up with stuff because there didn't seem any way to leave. When it finally came crashing down it WAS hard....but it was SO MUCH BETTER.

 

There are two ways for it to go. One, you leave and he has a big revelation about what is really important in his life.

 

Two, you leave and it turns out that was the right thing for you.

 

My bet is that one is closer to the truth, judging only by what I've heard so far. It sounds like your dh is floundering. He's in over his head. He's trying to escape, he's lashing out...it almost needs to get to the worst possible case for him so he can finally admit he needs some help here.

 

You have lots of young kids. He's the breadwinner, right? Sounds to me like he's in crisis. That doesn't mean he gets to take it out on you. Ask your family for help. See your minister for a counselling session? (Do they do this?)Separate temporarily from your dh. And then see if you have a relationship that can be built on.

 

I think too often in modern life we don't ask the older people around us for help. We're too embarrassed to put our marital problems out there in the light of day. We hide everything. Why not let the older, wiser people around you two help out - both through wisdom and physical help?

 

You have some pluses here. Your dh doesn't sound abusive. There doesn't seem to be drugs or alcohol involved. The two of you are (fairly) rational (although he doesn't seem so right now). If anyone can save a marriage, it should be the two of you, you know? Go ahead and be dramatic! Save the marriage!

 

I hope some of this helps.

[Julpost]

Hon, you are dealing with an active, unrecovered *addict*. His thought process, behavior, focus and mind set are fundamentally flawed. You are approaching him expecting a reasoned, reasonable, sane response. You won't get one; he's not capable.

 

He's not doing this because of your desire to move, his anger towards you, stress, or your new church. He's going to use *every* situation he can to excuse his gaming/game time, blame you and not face anything that might move him closer to having to quit his drug of choice.

 

Please, get some specific help for the spouse of an addict. It's the only way, with or without him, you'll learn the tools to produce peace and quality of life for you and your kids.

 

Where do I find these tools? Is there an online forum I could join? Remember, I have 5 kiddos and homeschooling and not a lot of time to go out to groups or meetings.

[at the beach]

I should say I spoke. He mainly yelled. I can't believe it.

 

I told him I thought his gaming was affecting our marriage in a bad way. He basically said he really didn't care, that he needs this stress relief and this is what he's going to do. He evidently has a lot of anger towards me and has never expressed it. He sure did tonight. I feel like everything has been a lie. I thought things were basically good, that he just had this gaming problem. He doesn't care how I feel (his words), he thinks that I am resentful and angry about his gaming but it's how he feels towards me, so that's fair. We moved to a new church, I thought we were in agreement over that. He doesn't like that I tell people I want to move closer to family because he feels that people distance themselves from us. I have not noticed that at all. He seems to really think the worst of me. And, quite honestly, I would have had NO idea if we hadn't just had this conversation. This is really quite a nightmare. I wish I had somewhere to escape to. I can't leave. I've got a 1 year old and 3 year old that I can't just take off with. He sounded so crazy. It's like I don't even know him.

 

How do you know someone is not in agreement with you, if they never say that? In fact, they say the opposite.

 

I just can't even believe it. I just feel sick.

 

I'm certainly no psychologist, but I would think that his response to your confronting him is just him trying to say whatever he can to hurt you, scare you, and make you back off so he can keep on playing. You are threatening his game time, and it's IMHO, kinda like trying to take the the bottle from the drinker. An addict will do whatever it takes to keep the status quo.

 

That said, I don't think your idea to carve out a life for you is a bad idea. I may be voicing an unpopular opinion, but it you can make a life for yourself within the confines of the marriage, then I say for now, go for it and bide your time. Is he supporting all of you well financially? Is he abusive in other ways other than the neglect of him staying away from family for game time? I am not minimizing what he is doing, either, and I'm not saying it isn't an addiction. I do believe it's an addiction, for sure. But I would proceed with caution. If you aren't ready to walk out, then wait. But do things for yourself in the meantime. Do you have family to back you up? Financial means to support yourself with child support and spousal from him? I don't know what kind of a breadwinner he is. That could play into how feasible it would be for you to leave.

 

Good luck. :grouphug:

 

Anita

[dangermom]

:grouphug::(:(

 

 

Hon, you are dealing with an active, unrecovered *addict*. His thought process, behavior, focus and mind set are fundamentally flawed. You are approaching him expecting a reasoned, reasonable, sane response. You won't get one; he's not capable.

 

He's not doing this because of your desire to move, his anger towards you, stress, or your new church. He's going to use *every* situation he can to excuse his gaming/game time, blame you and not face anything that might move him closer to having to quit his drug of choice.

 

Please, get some specific help for the spouse of an addict. It's the only way, with or without him, you'll learn the tools to produce peace and quality of life for you and your kids.

 

I'm so sorry Julpost for what's happening. I agree with Joanne here.

[JennifersLost]

Ack! Julpost - do you want to maintain the status quo?

 

I could see if you honestly felt that if you hung in there for three months he'd get bored of the game, but I'll be honest with you....someone who spends that much time on that kind of game is building a LIFE there. A life that right now doesn't include you.

 

You can be patient and kind and find out six months from now that he's leaving you for the woman he hangs out with there....

 

There's a line with these things. The question for a spouse to ask is:

 

1. Do we ever spend "date" time together?

 

2. Do we have friends/activities/fun in "real" life?

 

3. Do we have a satisfying sex life - do I feel a connection when we're together?

 

4. Am I competing for my dh's attention with (the game, etc)?

 

And the biggest question - the one that usually strips away all the crud:

 

"Am I modelling the relationship with my dh that I want my daughter(s) to copy?" In other words, picture your dd coming to you with this problem when she's married. What would you tell her?

[Julpost]

I'm certainly no psychologist, but I would think that his response to your confronting him is just him trying to say whatever he can to hurt you, scare you, and make you back off so he can keep on playing. You are threatening his game time, and it's IMHO, kinda like trying to take the the bottle from the drinker. An addict will do whatever it takes to keep the status quo.

 

That said, I don't think your idea to carve out a life for you is a bad idea. I may be voicing an unpopular opinion, but it you can make a life for yourself within the confines of the marriage, then I say for now, go for it and bide your time. Is he supporting all of you well financially? Is he abusive in other ways other than the neglect of him staying away from family for game time? I am not minimizing what he is doing, either, and I'm not saying it isn't an addiction. I do believe it's an addiction, for sure. But I would proceed with caution. If you aren't ready to walk out, then wait. But do things for yourself in the meantime. Do you have family to back you up? Financial means to support yourself with child support and spousal from him? I don't know what kind of a breadwinner he is. That could play into how feasible it would be for you to leave.

 

Good luck. :grouphug:

 

Anita

 

He is actually a great provider. My family is in Alaska and I'm in New England. He's not abusive in anyway. As of right now, I don't see any other option than making my own life with the kids and staying put. There is no way I could support all of us.

[astrid]

I agree, to an extent, but the explosive anger Julpost described made me worry that it could be directed at her or the kids, should they inadvertantly "interfere" with his gametime or whatever. It's a tough situation, to be sure.

 

astrid

[Michelle in AL]

I've been there. It's hard. Everyday.

 

First, please go see your pastor, or any other Christian counselor you trust.

 

The next step I believe is making yourself happy and healthy. You can only change yourself. Not easy, I know in your situation, especially with 2 children who are small. But, when he sees you as happy or at peace, that element will be attractive to him.

 

I'm not sure I would take anything he said about your relationship seriously. He may be reacting out of stress. Middle age crisis stuff that's too hard to face, so he displaces it on you. This is no excuse, but men have a hard time nowadays with things such as, "how will I provide for all these children? Am I were I wanted to be at this age? Is this all there is?" etc.

 

Here's how I face each day, with multiple addictions in my circle.....

Exercise most days. Yoga is relaxing for me.

 

Get outside everyday. I need the sun and Vit D is said to help depression.

 

Take supplements: Super B complex, magnesium & Omega 3 fatty acids (I take these for PMS, you may not need them).

 

Do something you enjoy everyday: whatever you like to do. I knit, paint, read, craft sew. If you can't think of anything, what was your passion as a child.

 

Are the kids in bed when the gaming starts? If so, then take time to do one of the above while he games. Let it be your quiet, unwinding time.

 

Pray and do Bible study daily.

 

Learn something new. Right now I'm reading through the Great Books.

 

Enjoy your friends. Enjoy your children.

 

Will your husband agree to a once a week date night to reconnect? That may help rebuild your relationship.

 

Many, many hugs to you :grouphug:

[Joanne]

There must be some way of having a good life with my kids and just maintaining the status quo with my husband. I just don't see any alternative. I don't want the kids to suffer. If I ignore this and just do things to keep life going in our house, it's not like he's on the game all day. He gets on at night at about 8:30pm. They have usually gone to bed. How can his gaming affect them? If I don't talk to him about it anymore, then there won't be any arguing. I could pursue a strong relationship w/God and I know from past experience, He can maintain me and He has even "talked" to my husband and gotten him to change some behaviors in the past. I have my sister and best friend to talk to on the phone. The kids are enough to keep me plenty busy. Can't that be enough? I could talk to the pastor, I'll try to, but since my husband isn't willing to change, I don't see what the pastor can do, other than pray.

 

You are put in the position of having to choose between bad choices. Staying with an addict = bad choice. Leaving = bad choice.

 

You asked about what harm he is doing to the kids. The answer is: a lot.

 

1) The model for healthy adult behavior is poor.

2) The model for marriage is poor.

3) The thinking and behavior of an addict is compromised all the time; even when they aren't actively engaged in their addiction.

4) During family time, he's simply biding his time until he can play; he's not able to *enjoy* true family centeredness currently.

 

I'm not sharing that to encourage you to "go". I'm saying that because it's an illusion that stay = better. It may be; it may not be. Both options have serious risks and drawbacks.

 

There are some healthy elements to your recent posts! Your desire and willingness to build community, relationship, your time with God, and to move on basically without expectation of him are the *only* way to be in less unhealthy relationship with an addict.

 

Yes, I am guessing there are online support for WoW addict significant others. You are certainly not alone. If nothing else, Al Anon literature and ideas would also help.

[Julpost]

What would I do without you guys? There is no way I could have received the counsel and comfort IRL right now as I have rec'd here. Everyone I know, that I could have called, are either at work or on vacation.

 

His calmness right now is making me so angry...I can tell it's just because he feels like he finally has me off his back. So I come back here, into my room, read some replies, and feel a LOT better.

 

I did ask him if there were any women in the game that he played with. He said there were 2 regulars. I asked him if he talked to them outside of the game, he said no. I asked if he set up times to meet them on the game. He said that he told them he'll be there 8:30-11. So I went a bit further and said that essentially he was setting up a date time with them and declining spending time with me, his wife. He got really mad at that and said I was taking it to an extreme and making it sound worse than it was. I just let it go. I couldn't resist pointing it out though!

[Joanne]

I went a bit further and said that essentially he was setting up a date time with them and declining spending time with me, his wife. He got really mad at that and said I was taking it to an extreme and making it sound worse than it was. I just let it go. I couldn't resist pointing it out though!

 

{{many hugs}} Your perspective on this is accurate but he won't "get it" or admit it. My xh did the same thing when confronted.

[joannqn]

I think you're idea of staying put and making your own life is a good one. Lean on his financial support for now and do the best you can to make life good for yourself and your children. But...at the same time...you need to be preparing for the possibility of separation. You don't want to be caught off-guard if he is playing so he can chat with another woman and he suddenly decides he wants out of the marriage for her.

 

Honestly, from what you've revealed so far, I wouldn't be surprised if there was another woman involved and he's having an emotional affair online.

 

I tried to do the stay put and make my own life when my marriage was bad. I came home from a weekend retreat to a find a letter telling me my husband wanted a divorce, had already retained an attorney, and was seeking full custody of the kids. He was "allowing" me to stay until I could find a job and a place to live. Oh, and he and my kids were nowhere to be found when I arrived home to this letter. I had $200 to my name, didn't own a car, and no real hope of getting a well-paying job.

[Joanne]

I think you're idea of staying put and making your own life is a good one. Lean on his financial support for now and do the best you can to make life good for yourself and your children. But...at the same time...you need to be preparing for the possibility of separation. You don't want to be caught off-guard if he is playing so he can chat with another woman and he suddenly decides he wants out of the marriage for her.

 

Honestly, from what you've revealed so far, I wouldn't be surprised if there was another woman involved and he's having an emotional affair online.

 

I tried to do the stay put and make my own life when my marriage was bad. I came home from a weekend retreat to a find a letter telling me my husband wanted a divorce, had already retained an attorney, and was seeking full custody of the kids. He was "allowing" me to stay until I could find a job and a place to live. Oh, and he and my kids were nowhere to be found when I arrived home to this letter. I had $200 to my name, didn't own a car, and no real hope of getting a well-paying job.

 

 

Online affairs are rampant in role playing games.

[Julpost]

Online affairs are rampant in role playing games.

 

 

Well, about 8 years ago, he did have an online affair. I found out by getting into his email account. It turned into a big mess but he decided to stay and make our marriage work. I guess I wouldn't be too surprised if this is the case again. Does WoW save the history of the conversations? I'm trying to figure out how I can find out his password, I have his username. I could install a keystroke saver on his keyboard tomorrow.

 

I'm about to go ask him if he's having an emotional affair, just to get it out in the open. I don't want him thinking he's home free.

[Colleen]

Oh, how hard this must be! It honestly never occurred to me that people could be addicted to online games, but now that I think about it, it makes sense. Addiction is addiction. Having lived with several recovering alcholics, I can testify that the potential to become addicted to recovery even exists ~ crazy as that sounds! (Yes, I knew people who literally could not hold down a steady job because they went to so many meetings each day, it actually interfered with the rest of their life!)

 

Anyway, Julpost, back to your situation. I concur with what many others have said here. I do believe you need to get some outside help. Talk to your pastor, yes. Seek help for friends and family members of addicts. Do an online search or just open your phone book. If you call any support group they'll want to help you in any way they can. Even if they don't have the resources, they'll try to point you in the right direction. I know you feel alone right now, and I wish I could help. You'll probably be surprised to find out how many people are dealing with a spouse's similar addiction ~ as evidenced by some of the replies here. There are people who want to help you and can do so more than those of us on this board.

 

Hang in there, Julpost:grouphug:

[dawn of ns]

There must be some way of having a good life with my kids and just maintaining the status quo with my husband. I just don't see any alternative. I don't want the kids to suffer. If I ignore this and just do things to keep life going in our house, it's not like he's on the game all day. He gets on at night at about 8:30pm. They have usually gone to bed. How can his gaming affect them? If I don't talk to him about it anymore, then there won't be any arguing. I could pursue a strong relationship w/God and I know from past experience, He can maintain me and He has even "talked" to my husband and gotten him to change some behaviors in the past. I have my sister and best friend to talk to on the phone. The kids are enough to keep me plenty busy. Can't that be enough? I could talk to the pastor, I'll try to, but since my husband isn't willing to change, I don't see what the pastor can do, other than pray.

 

The absence of a loving relationship will harm them. I've watched this happen over the years with a friend who tried to do what you're talking about. Her oldest is now hooked up with(and has a child by) a boy who is her father all over again because that's what she learned a husband/boyfriend was.

 

Really think about what you would counsel your daughter to do in a situation like the one you're facing. Would you expect her to soldier on and build a seperate life from her husband? Would you expect your son to continue in an addiction and let his family grow away from him? Because what you decide to do is what you model for your kids and what they'll look back on when faced with choices in the future.