JAWM Any way to make threads disappear?

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Oh, I can relate to that.

Here's an old one you won't have read: https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/4224

Thank you!

[Rosie_0801]

The only contemporary fiction I've read recently that didn't have swearing or sex was Toshikazu Kawaguchi's. But they made me cry and cry! So maybe you don't want to read them, except you should because they were awesome, except don't because you'll probably quit before you finish the first story. Except they were awesome and I sat in the library crying at them, trying to blow my nose as quietly as I could. And not even in a quiet corner, because they were occupied.

(Anyone else read these?)

[marbel]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

LOL, Yes, I know.  I taught English in high school! 🙂 I just have trouble finding contemporary fiction that doesn't have cursing or sex scenes. I will go back and reread Jane Eyre or something for fun. I was born in the wrong era LOL. 

Or another Bronte, or Elizabeth Gaskell, George Eliot, Agatha Christie...

And at least you can accept all these suggestions of craft and other ideas for your next trip if things are not accessible to you right now. And maybe use some of your time googling for products and fun/beautiful video games. 

Someone gave my daughter a small diamond painting kit for Christmas. She found it quite addictive and the end result - an ornament - is pretty.) I like counted cross-stitch (and other forms of embroidery); it's easy and can be very portable if I have enough light! Knitting and crochet are very portable. Cross-stitching while listening to an audiobook - heaven on earth for me. 

And thanks @Rosie_0801 for the book suggestion (Mr Hogarth's Will)! 

 

[maize]

6 hours ago, TexasProud said:

LOL, Yes, I know.  I taught English in high school! 🙂 I just have trouble finding contemporary fiction that doesn't have cursing or sex scenes. I will go back and reread Jane Eyre or something for fun. I was born in the wrong era LOL. 

Have you read Georgette Heyer? Very clean and she wrote lots of books.

I'm a fantasy/Sci fi lover myself and very fond right now of Brandon Sanderson. Most of his books are pretty profanity free, though mild curse words occasionally show up. He prefers to make up his own in-world profanities which serve the purpose of allowing characters to express emotions without feeling like offensive language to readers from our world. Unless you're offended by "storms!" or "colors!" or "rusting!". They're intense books though with lots of war and fighting themes.

[kirstenhill]

There are a lot of board games available for iPad - you can play against "bots" - essentially against the computer.  I really adore Wingspan.  It is very relaxing, and the theme is nice (attracting birds to your preserve).   There are in-game "achievements" to try and get, so there's something to try for besides just beating the bots again and again. 

There's also nothing wrong with reading kid's books if you are looking for books that are clean. I'm reading through the Newbery award/honor books and writing reviews (there's 400 some, so it's a multi year project).  It's super interesting to see how children's lit changes over time. Some are interesting, some are wonderful, some seem laughably terrible now...but it's an interesting journey. 

[TexasProud]

30 minutes ago, kirstenhill said:

 

There's also nothing wrong with reading kid's books if you are looking for books that are clean. I'm reading through the Newbery award/honor books and writing reviews (there's 400 some, so it's a multi year project).  It's super interesting to see how children's lit changes over time. Some are interesting, some are wonderful, some seem laughably terrible now...but it's an interesting journey. 

LOL, yes.  In fact, last summer I made it a mission to read all of Kate DiCamillo and wrote a newsletter about the experience. 🙂

 

[TexasProud]

And sorry guys.  I am not knitting, crocheting or sewing in any form or fashion.  My grandmother and mother were excellent seamstresses.  My grandmother made wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses.  My mom made me a new Easter dress every year ( and many other dresses) until I went to college and sewed all of the dresses for my wedding.  She tried to teach me.  To say it was a disaster is an understatement. I don't sit still long enough, don't have enough attention, sewed things together, sewed pins inside fabric.  It was horrible.  I can't tie knots.  Just no. 

 

Now my sister, on the other hand, makes Medieval Faire costumes and is SO incredibly talented.  She can paint and do all kinds of things.  For Christmas she took the giant box of buttons that had some from my mom, grandmother, and great-grandmother and she made Christmas trees for me and the cousins from them.  She used buttons that had a special meaning for me or my mom and in the card, told the story.  Like one of the buttons is from a favorite pink Easter dress of mine. She is the artistic one. 

Edited January 17 by TexasProud

[Heartstrings]

I forgot about board games on the iPad. We love to play Terraforming Mars on the iPad, against each other or I play against the computer all the time.  

[TexasProud]

Guys, I really just do not like technological games..  I just don't. Heck, I don't carry my phone around with me. Scrolling Facebook and Instagram have no interest to me.  To be honest, I really prefer "real" books, but do use the Ipad for trips and such, but I really don't like it. 

I downoaded some of the games on my ipad just to see, but I really doubt I will like them. They just don't appeal to me at all.  

[marbel]

33 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Now my sister, on the other hand... She is the artistic one.

This makes me so sad. Please try to stop comparing yourself unfavorably to others. Your perfectionism is not healthy. Maybe you actually don't like doing any handcrafts - of course it's not for everyone - but maybe if you just let yourself try something without the expectation of doing it perfectly, you'd enjoy yourself a little more. Find some pleasure in something simple. 

My older sister is a very talented seamstress. She sewed all her prom dresses, and later ball gowns for a cruise she went on. When her kids were little, she made elaborate halloween costumes for them, and all her daughters' dresses. Now in retirement she makes gorgeous quilts which she donates to a veteran's organization.  Whereas I sewed a jumper* in high school, a few simple skirts and doll clothes for my daughter, and fiddle around with quilting but haven't managed anything bigger than a placemat. I knit dishcloths full of mistakes but I enjoy the process and it keeps my hands busy when I watch tv with my husband. And, I have a useful, if not beautiful, object at the end. 

Really, when was the last time you tried any of these things you say you can't do? 20 years ago? More? Why are you so afraid to try? Is it more fulfilling to ask for ideas and then reject them all? 

*in the US, a sleeveless dress that is worn over a blouse (not to assume ignorance but I know it's a different garment in other places). 

Edited January 17 by marbel

[saraha]

I love reading and rereading Maeve Binchey. Most of her books exist in the same “universe” and it’s fun when I discover a character showing up in another book. Don’t have to be read in order at all, I haven’t, and pick up ones I’ve read before at random. Aside from the stories, it’s like playing literary “where have I seen that guy before”

and @Rosie_0801 I want to give you all the 💖💖💖

Edited January 17 by saraha

[Amira]

Never mind

Edited January 17 by Amira

[TexasProud]

14 minutes ago, marbel said:

This makes me so sad. Please try to stop comparing yourself unfavorably to others. Your perfectionism is not healthy.

Why does this make you sad?  I do many things well.  I sing well.  I create beautiful worship services and retreats for others. I am a good teacher.  I am very good a pitching in when things are not going well for people.  My speaking voice is very good and people like listening to me read or do things like podcasts. I am EXTREMELY good at organization.  I am very good at organizing people and motivating them to work together on a project.  I am good at unearthing unknown skills in music and writing with both young people and adults. 

The truth is we are not good at everything. Heck my children are not good at everything.  One has an absolutely fabulous voice.  Another cannot carry a tune and makes me cringe. I am sorry, but saying I am not artistic...well not in sewing or drawing is not wrong or unhealthy. It just is.  🙂  It doesn't make me sad that I cannot do these things because we only have limited time anyway.  

[marbel]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Why does this make you sad?  I do many things well.  I sing well.  I create beautiful worship services and retreats for others. I am a good teacher.  I am very good a pitching in when things are not going well for people.  My speaking voice is very good and people like listening to me read or do things like podcasts. I am EXTREMELY good at organization.  I am very good at organizing people and motivating them to work together on a project.  I am good at unearthing unknown skills in music and writing with both young people and adults. 

The truth is we are not good at everything. Heck my children are not good at everything.  One has an absolutely fabulous voice.  Another cannot carry a tune and makes me cringe. I am sorry, but saying I am not artistic...well not in sewing or drawing is not wrong or unhealthy. It just is.  🙂  It doesn't make me sad that I cannot do these things because we only have limited time anyway.  

OK. I was not trying to imply you are not good at anything. It was just the way you rejected all the ideas people were giving you for ways to pass your time that yes, made me feel a bit sad because I saw a bit of my younger self in your post.  

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, Amira said:

 

One option that some people like (not me, but others) is to help transcribe handwritten documents.  The Smithsonian makes it easy to do that. https://transcription.si.edu/  If your internet is good enough to post here, it's good enough to transcribe. You seem to be motivated by helping others and transcription is a flexible way to do that anywhere.  There are plenty of other online service projects like that.  Although, to be clear, I don't think that you have to be doing things for others constantly.  I certainly don't expect to be productive when I've first arrived in a new country. Rather, I aim to be engaged.   

It isn't that I want to be productive.  I am already helping people A LOT during the day.  I am spiritually, emotionally, and cognitively exhausted by 6pm, though because I FINALLY got a good night's sleep last night, I feel much better tonight.  It is going to be a good night.  Hubby isn't back yet.  I have been out and about most of the day with students, so it has been fun.  Looking forward to a relaxing night.  

It is when I am overtired that I have issues. 

[Bambam]

2 hours ago, kirstenhill said:

 

There's also nothing wrong with reading kid's books if you are looking for books that are clean. I'm reading through the Newbery award/honor books and writing reviews (there's 400 some, so it's a multi year project).  It's super interesting to see how children's lit changes over time. Some are interesting, some are wonderful, some seem laughably terrible now...but it's an interesting journey. 

I think this could also be useful if you posted a Common Sense Media type book review giving heads up about potential issues with books. I know my kids read a LOT of books, and at an age I would have preferred to have an easy site to negotiate to have an overview of plot, any potential discussion topics, etc.  We did CM, so having a general idea of plot would have been so helpful for books they read for school, but I simply did not have the time to read them all. 

[Pam in CT]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

...Really, when was the last time you tried any of these things you say you can't do? 20 years ago? More? Why are you so afraid to try? Is it more fulfilling to ask for ideas and then reject them all? ...

This is the question that baffles me as well.

And if so -- WHY.  What about that ask-for, then-reject-out-of-hand, ask-for, reject-out-of-hand, rinse repeat (rinse repeat rinse repeat) cycle is so -- your word -- "addictive" for you?

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

This is the question that baffles me as well.

And if so -- WHY.  What about that ask-for, then-reject-out-of-hand, ask-for, reject-out-of-hand, rinse repeat (rinse repeat rinse repeat) cycle is so -- your word -- "addictive" for you?

Part of it is I just need to talk.

And I do not reject all of it. 

Some I rejected, I normally come around to. In fact, I am a little like that parable that Jesus told about the two whose master ( or parent...can't remember) told them to do something. One said, "OK" but then didn't do it.  The other one said, "No." But did end up doing what was asked..  Pretty much all 4 times I went to therapy is because the board told me to. Only reason.  Several other things people have suggested in other threads, I did try.

[TexasProud]

Just finished chatting with a good friend of mine and that was very relaxing. She is home from school as our area is out AGAIN today because of the weather.  (And yes, northern friends, you can laugh at us!)

[Rosie_0801]

11 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

This is the question that baffles me as well.

And if so -- WHY.  What about that ask-for, then-reject-out-of-hand, ask-for, reject-out-of-hand, rinse repeat (rinse repeat rinse repeat) cycle is so -- your word -- "addictive" for you?

It is inexpensive.

[marbel]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Part of it is I just need to talk.

And I do not reject all of it. 

Some I rejected, I normally come around to. In fact, I am a little like that parable that Jesus told about the two whose master ( or parent...can't remember) told them to do something. One said, "OK" but then didn't do it.  The other one said, "No." But did end up doing what was asked..  Pretty much all 4 times I went to therapy is because the board told me to. Only reason.  Several other things people have suggested in other threads, I did try.

So, maybe instead of just saying "no" and going into reasons you can't do something, maybe just say "thanks, I'll think about that." 

I mean, if you are into this for actual conversation, why not start a positive thread, such as "look at this beautiful art piece my sister made with buttons" and invite people to share there own similar stories.  

Because what you are doing appears to be asking for assistance and then knocking down every idea people send your way. 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

 

Really, when was the last time you tried any of these things you say you can't do? 20 years ago? More? Why are you so afraid to try? Is it more fulfilling to ask for ideas and then reject them all? 

 

Thought I would come back and answer this.  I hemmed my daughter's formal for the wedding where she was a bridesmaid.  It looked hideous, wasn't even, etc.  But it was black and floor length and as my daughter said, No one should be looking way down there, they should be looking at the bride or my face.  But she ordered the formal online and had it sent here, so she didn't try it on until a week before the wedding. It was about 4 inches too long. Otherwise it fit perfectly.  So, I had to do it. I sew on buttons and such as well.

As far as crochet and art projects, they are often done at women's events.  In seminary in one of my classes, we learned about an art form and the artist explained how they worshipped God while they created it, and how the art itself was worshipful.  Then we had to try the art. 🙂 

On a mission trip I joined a crochet class.  I laughed a lot, but found it extremely frustrating. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, marbel said:

Because what you are doing appears to be asking for assistance and then knocking down every idea people send your way. 

Sure. But that reinforces her sense of security.

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

So, maybe instead of just saying "no" and going into reasons you can't do something, maybe just say "thanks, I'll think about that." 

I mean, if you are into this for actual conversation, why not start a positive thread, such as "look at this beautiful art piece my sister made with buttons" and invite people to share there own similar stories.  

Because what you are doing appears to be asking for assistance and then knocking down every idea people send your way. 

Because I need to complain and vent and throw a fit which I cannot do in real life. 🙂 My husband had no clue anything was wrong last night.

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Because I need to complain and vent and throw a fit which I cannot do in real life. 🙂 My husband had no clue anything was wrong last night.

Do you realize that that is a problem? You cannot have a *genuine* relationship if you have to hide who you are and what you feel. You're faking a person you think you "should" be. Does your DH not deserve you to be honest and authentic?

[kirstenhill]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

I think this could also be useful if you posted a Common Sense Media type book review giving heads up about potential issues with books. I know my kids read a LOT of books, and at an age I would have preferred to have an easy site to negotiate to have an overview of plot, any potential discussion topics, etc.  We did CM, so having a general idea of plot would have been so helpful for books they read for school, but I simply did not have the time to read them all. 

That's essentially what I am doing.  I post "content considerations" with my reviews, trying to keep them judgment-neutral, such as "characters smoke and drink alcohol in this book". -   it's up to the reader to decide if that "consideration" makes it a good fit for themselves/their family or not.

I post on Goodreads (though I sometimes don't detail my content considerations as thoroughly there, just because I don't want to get into a public argument in the comments section about what does or does not merit a "content consideration").   But I also post in two different Facebook groups, where I know the vibe and people won't generally argue about what should or shouldn't be noted.

Edited January 17 by kirstenhill

[pinball]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Part of it is I just need to talk.

And I do not reject all of it. 

Some I rejected, I normally come around to. In fact, I am a little like that parable that Jesus told about the two whose master ( or parent...can't remember) told them to do something. One said, "OK" but then didn't do it.  The other one said, "No." But did end up doing what was asked..  Pretty much all 4 times I went to therapy is because the board told me to. Only reason.  Several other things people have suggested in other threads, I did try.

 

1 hour ago, marbel said:

So, maybe instead of just saying "no" and going into reasons you can't do something, maybe just say "thanks, I'll think about that." 

I mean, if you are into this for actual conversation, why not start a positive thread, such as "look at this beautiful art piece my sister made with buttons" and invite people to share there own similar stories.  

Because what you are doing appears to be asking for assistance and then knocking down every idea people send your way. 

She knocked down the idea that she knocks down ideas

ROFLMAO

 

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Because I need to complain and vent and throw a fit which I cannot do in real life. 🙂 My husband had no clue anything was wrong last night.

Do you realize that that is a problem? You cannot have a *genuine* relationship if you have to hide who you are and what you feel. You're faking a person you think you "should" be. Does your DH not deserve you to be honest and authentic?

So much this!! When someone shares more about themselves with a public forum than with their husband it is a serious marital issue.

[marbel]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

Do you realize that that is a problem? You cannot have a *genuine* relationship if you have to hide who you are and what you feel. You're faking a person you think you "should" be. Does your DH not deserve you to be honest and authentic?

Yes to this. Are you (OP) afraid that your husband won't approve of your honest and authentic self?

(Obviously you can ignore the question if it's too personal. It does seem within the bounds of the conversation, but maybe not.)

Edited January 17 by marbel

[math teacher]

On 1/16/2024 at 7:18 AM, TexasProud said:

I guess I do not understand how you guys managed to fast from the board.  I mean if you block it, you just override it.  No problem.  I have no self-discipline unlike my husband. I SHOULD do a lot of things, but I have no self-discipline.  It is why I never started drinking or doing drugs.  I know I would never stop.  @Ginevra @marbel  I admire your self-discipline.  I have tried.  If I am busy, then it is easy.  When I have so much downtime, I cannot help myself. 

I totally understand this. Right down to the drinking and smoking. I'll add gambling to the list. I know if I started, I wouldn't be able to control it. That's also why I inject myself with wegovy-no self control. 

[math teacher]

What about card games such as solitaire? That's another addiction for me. Remember when we could put passwords on computers? I was so addicted to solitaire that I had my son to put a password on it. Sudoku is another favorite. Do you take pictures to go along with your writing? That might be cool, since you're in another country. 

Something else to consider-I think someone already touched on it. You know, it's not a bad thing to be on WTM for some relaxation when you are exhausted. You've been working hard, giving of yourself all day long. If WTM is what you want to do, that's ok. I love the idea of reading the Newberry award winners. I think I will borrow that idea, because it can be difficult to find clean reading material. 

There are Facebook groups for everything under the sun. Once I got started on them, I really prefer them to seeing posts from my friends.

How much longer will you be in Africa?

[saraha]

Coming back to say I don’t know what @TexasProudand her dh do, but splitting time between Africa an RV and Indiana sounds super cool

[math teacher]

9 minutes ago, saraha said:

Coming back to say I don’t know what @TexasProudand her dh do, but splitting time between Africa an RV and Indiana sounds super cool

It sounds fun to me, too. Probably like everything else, it has advantages and disadvantages. 

[historically accurate]

I am a TERRIBLE artist, but that doesn't stop me from "arting". I am a terrible crocheter, but I churn out wonky washcloths and doll blankies often. I often find that I laugh so hard during the process that I feel loads better after even if I never display the art I have made.

[TexasProud]

6 hours ago, marbel said:

Yes to this. Are you (OP) afraid that your husband won't approve of your honest and authentic self?

(Obviously you can ignore the question if it's too personal. It does seem within the bounds of the conversation, but maybe not.)

 

9 hours ago, marbel said:

So, maybe instead of just saying "no" and going into reasons you can't do something, maybe just say "thanks, I'll think about that." 

Can I just say that this board makes me laugh sometimes. I find it SO SO ironic that this board tells me that I have a right to be honest. That I have a right to say and think what I want. So many of the posts tell me to be honest.

And yet, when I am honest on the board and say what I am thinking people get incredibly frustrated with me.  As my husband would.  Because he would do exactly what you would do and give me suggestions.  If I said what I did on this board, he would be frustrated.  So yeah, I say, "Thanks, that is a good idea." 

He did know I was tired.  But sometimes I just want to be in a bad mood. I want to say what I am thinking. I want to say, No, I don't want to do that.  

My husband is calm, rational and has very, very good advice just as all of you do on this board.  I did say I was tired on that night. I mean, he could tell that.  He gave me a melatonin, which did help that nigh.  Not last night. I was up after 3 1/2 hours of sleep.  Oh well. 

[TexasProud]

10 hours ago, saraha said:

 

er. 

Edited January 18 by TexasProud

[Rosie_0801]

21 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 

Can I just say that this board makes me laugh sometimes. I find it SO SO ironic that this board tells me that I have a right to be honest. That I have a right to say and think what I want. So many of the posts tell me to be honest.

And yet, when I am honest on the board and say what I am thinking people get incredibly frustrated with me. 

Of course it is frustrating to watch you on this merry-go-round of frenetic energy, that you use to deflect from the real issue of getting healthy. The desperation you devote to maintaining what causes you so much pain is horrific.

You should be honest and you should appreciate that we keep encouraging you despite our frustration. Apathy would be hilarious wouldn't it?

When we talk about honesty, we are talking about being honest with yourself and with your loved ones. We're not talking about us here. We know you'll be back next time you're on a downer. We can tell you're nearly done with this one. It's routine for us.

Who cares if your husband gets frustrated with you? He has the right to be frustrated if you are being frustrating. If the two of you worked as hard at being emotionally healthy as you do on avoiding it, imagine your lives. If he can dump on you, and you've told us he does, he can man up enough to cope if you need to dump on him. Reciprocity. He married you.  It's his job to support you as much as it's your job to support him. 

 

And just to repeat, because I think it's important:
 

Apathy would be hilarious wouldn't it?

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Of course it is frustrating to watch you on this merry-go-round of frenetic energy, that you use to deflect from the real issue of getting healthy. The desperation you devote to maintaining what causes you so much pain is horrific.

What do you think I am maintaining?  

And isn't it normal to feel that way sometimes?  Many, many days I feel completely fine.  Lack of sleep definitely doesn't help my thought processes. I know that. Not much I can do, though. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

What do you think I am maintaining?  

And isn't it normal to feel that way sometimes?  Many, many days I feel completely fine.  Lack of sleep definitely doesn't help my thought processes. I know that. Not much I can do, though. 

Are you asking me to repeat everything I and everyone else has ever said on this topic in your threads? That would be rather an ask, wouldn't it?

Of course all feelings are normal. Does that really need to be said? What's not "normal" is expecting to feel healthy while dedicating yourself to being unhealthy. What's not "normal" is doing the opposite of what needs to be done. 

Problem: X
Solution: Y
Action: Anti-Y

Honestly, I don't think it is possible to answer your question in a way you could absorb. Either we word it in a way that doesn't make sense, or we word it in a way you repel. But hey, I'm free atm, so I'll try. Apologise for the repetition, but the problem hasn't changed so the words describing them won't either.

Make peace with your humanity. That's what it comes down to.

It is not your job to be your husband's battery. Support, yes, you married him after all. Battery, no. It is not your job to erode yourself for the sake of another adult. Not even your husband. 

It is not your job to house all the people who ever made rude comments about your art, writing, personality in your head. Evict them. It is not your job to maintain hang ups planted in your head by rude or oblivious people. The way to evict them is to go ahead and do whatever it is they criticised, (not in an immature, sulky "ner, ner, you're not the boss of me" way, but in an "I am not a child. I am not your inferior. I'm a grown woman. I am allowed to grow. I am allowed to play" kind of way,) which is one reason why artistic endeavours get suggested. It doesn't matter if your sister is better than you at art. Why should you prune an entire branch of possibility out of yourself because your sister could do it better. If your sister couldn't write but wanted to, would you want her to develop neuroses about it? Or would you say "Onya" to whatever she managed and hope she kept working at it because Yay! Do a brave thing, Sister!

Make peace with your humanity and give up on perfection. Be a decent human. Reasonably polite. Reasonably accomodating. Respect other people's boundaries and keep yours where they ought to be. That's it.

[TexasProud]

8 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Make peace with your humanity. That's what it comes down to.


Make peace with your humanity and give up on perfection. Be a decent human. Reasonably polite. Reasonably accomodating. Respect other people's boundaries and keep yours where they ought to be. That's it.

Honestly, I feel like I have come a long way on this to be honest. I regularly use the word AND as in I can be grieving AND celebrate.  

I do not punish myself for feeling bad.  It is ok for me not to feel happy all the time. 

Am I perfect at it, no.  But yes, I am human.  There is one of me. 

10 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It is not your job to be your husband's battery. Support, yes, you married him after all. Battery, no. It is not your job to erode yourself for the sake of another adult. Not even your husband. 

 

Yes, I get that. Am I perfect at it, no.  But I have come a long way.  As I mentioned we had a long discussion yesterday about how I don't feel like I belong anywhere.  But talking to him the other night when he is exhausted, his migraines are flaring, and I am so tired I am not thinking straight just doesn't seem reasonable or healthy.  So yes, I have a ways to go, but I have made strides. 

22 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

It is not your job to house all the people who ever made rude comments about your art, writing, personality in your head. Evict them. It is not your job to maintain hang ups planted in your head by rude or oblivious people. The way to evict them is to go ahead and do whatever it is they criticised, (not in an immature, sulky "ner, ner, you're not the boss of me" way, but in an "I am not a child. I am not your inferior. I'm a grown woman. I am allowed to grow. I am allowed to play" kind of way,) which is one reason why artistic endeavours get suggested. It doesn't matter if your sister is better than you at art. Why should you prune an entire branch of possibility out of yourself because your sister could do it better. If your sister couldn't write but wanted to, would you want her to develop neuroses about it? Or would you say "Onya" to whatever she managed and hope she kept working at it because Yay! Do a brave thing, Sister!
 

If I WANTED to then yes.  Right now, it is really feeling like I should from y'all and my therapists and my spiritual director said I need to be very careful about should.  Heck, notice writing isn't one of the things I listed as things I am good at?  But I am doing it anyway, for a variety of reasons.  Yes, I get to play with it! Sometimes I wrestle with it! Although I can sing, I am not good at the piano.  I still play it sometimes for the beauty of it. I miss notes, but it doesn't matter.  Art ( visual art) doesn't bring me the same kind of peace.  Yes, I could certainly do more work at evicting that old art teacher.  Definitely. I certainly made sure as an elementary music teacher that I encouraged EVERY child in music no matter how "talented" they were.  Music is so much more than just the notes, and I realize that art could absolutely be the same way. 

To me, the fact that when I get so overtired I cannot think straight.  That in my head things will ALWAYS be this way...NEVER get better...there is NOTHING to be done is the epitome of being human.  I wish I didn't get that way, but I am human and what I needed most, honestly was probably just a good night's sleep when I can remember life really is good. Because the truth is as humans we don't think straight all the time.  I wish I could make myself, but I cannot.  I'm human. 

[Rosie_0801]

It's not about the art, Tex, and nobody can think straight when they're overtired.

Use whatever techniques you fancy to help yourself soothe, but don't be surprised to get advice when you asked for it, try not to ask for it when you don't want it and we don't need to know if you're laughing at us for trying to help. Emotional hygiene.

[TexasProud]

18 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's not about the art, Tex, and nobody can think straight when they're overtired.

Use whatever techniques you fancy to help yourself soothe, but don't be surprised to get advice when you asked for it, try not to ask for it when you don't want it and we don't need to know if you're laughing at us for trying to help. Emotional hygiene.

No, I appreciate it. I do.  I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.  I am NOT laughing at you.  I am not.  Just trying to figure out the difference between use emotional hygiene and be careful what you say on here and make sure you are honest. 🙂 

I do appreciate what you have had to say.  You have had some great advice throughout the thread, but you already know that.  Lots of people have told you so.  You are a rock star. 

[TexasProud]

50 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

Use whatever techniques you fancy to help yourself soothe, but don't be surprised to get advice when you asked for it, try not to ask for it when you don't want it

I will say this.  I have gotten better like I did put JAWM on my thread about my mammogram.  And I did want advice about how not to see threads.  Someone gave me an answer to use: just click on your manage followed content, and I thanked them.  I have used it and it is working well.  That was a great idea. 

But then it morphed as threads often do.  When it started down that road, I should have changed the title to JAWM because at that point I was just venting.  I apologize.  I will try to be better. 

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's not about the art, Tex, and nobody can think straight when they're overtired.

Use whatever techniques you fancy to help yourself soothe, but don't be surprised to get advice when you asked for it, try not to ask for it when you don't want it and we don't need to know if you're laughing at us for trying to help. Emotional hygiene.

Truth

[Clarita]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

And yet, when I am honest on the board and say what I am thinking people get incredibly frustrated with me.  As my husband would.  Because he would do exactly what you would do and give me suggestions.  If I said what I did on this board, he would be frustrated.  So yeah, I say, "Thanks, that is a good idea." 

I will tell my husband "I want to vent." He knows to grab a pint of ice cream or make a bowl of popcorn and sit and throw a pity party for me. If he gets tired of hearing my venting he'll throw on a hallmark rom-com. We are very explicit with each other on what we want, right down to we have specific key words and actions we use for each other. So, yes at one point we had a very specific conversation that went sometimes I just want a pity party.

[Indigo Blue]

I don’t know about anyone else, but @Rosie_0801’s wise words in this thread helped me! Just amazing. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

I don’t know about anyone else, but @Rosie_0801’s wise words in this thread helped me! Just amazing. 

She is so wise.  ❤️ 

ETA - and I appreciate her and the time she takes to share her thoughts very much.  

 

Edited January 18 by Kassia

[Pam in CT]

re explicit code

16 hours ago, Clarita said:

I will tell my husband "I want to vent." He knows to grab a pint of ice cream or make a bowl of popcorn and sit and throw a pity party for me. If he gets tired of hearing my venting he'll throw on a hallmark rom-com. We are very explicit with each other on what we want, right down to we have specific key words and actions we use for each other. So, yes at one point we had a very specific conversation that went sometimes I just want a pity party.

we use: "do you want to be HELPED (=actually looking for solutions-oriented advice), do you want to be HEARD (= vent), or do you want to be HELD."  Three totally distinct things. Clarity helps.

[Ginevra]

21 hours ago, historically accurate said:

I am a TERRIBLE artist, but that doesn't stop me from "arting". I am a terrible crocheter, but I churn out wonky washcloths and doll blankies often. I often find that I laugh so hard during the process that I feel loads better after even if I never display the art I have made.

I love this so much! I am an artist, but for around twenty years, I made almost zero art. Perfectionism played a big role in my non-arting. It is still easy for me to delay starting a project because I am afraid it won’t be incredibly awesome. Like, seriously; I am afraid it will not be spectacular. Literally, at this very moment, I have a drawing plan sitting on my art board, where it has been for a week, because I am afraid it “won’t turn out”. It is going to be a challenging piece and it’s easier to sit and imagine the possibility of it than to pick up the brush and give it a whirl. 
 

Here, let me show you my plan; posting it will definitely make me get moving on it because my imaginary friends will want me to keep on: 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

FWIW, I have just read through this entire string and I have a couple of suggestions.  Please think of these like a plate of cookies.  You don’t have to take one but you can.

1.  Make a list of all of the things you really enjoy, and all of the things you have really enjoyed in your whole life.  This should ideally take a couple of passes to complete, as things come back into your mind.  

2.  Make sure that you do something you really enjoy at least twice per week, and preferably every day.  Make sure that no matter where you happen to be (home alone, home with DH, in Africa, in Honduras, in an RV, etc.) you have no less than 3 enjoyable things to choose from.

3.  Start focussing on your capabilities rather than your supposed incompetencies.  Feed the positive side of your brain rather than the negative side.  You can choose to focus on the positive circumstances in your life, too, rather than the negative ones.  You don’t have to complain all the time.

4.  Start questioning your negative conclusions in your own mind.  A example:  You can say, It’s normal that I would feel like I can’t enjoy myself when I’m tired, because that is my lived experience.  But the fact is that although I’m tired, if I had XXX available to do right now I would enjoy it.  So I’m going to write myself a text to remember to bring XXX along on trips from now on.

On a related note, I’m glad to see that you’re doing morning pages, and the psychology behind what I’m talking abut here is from the same basic playbook—similar to an Artist’s Date.  The idea is that you can beat yourself up for not grinding through more miserable habits, or you can give yourself a break of enjoyment to refresh yourself for your life.  The latter does help with the former, but the former is sometimes not even reasonable and the latter can help with figuring that out, too, at times.