Wearing an Ex’s Jewelry Gift

[lmrich]

It was a gift; she does not need to give it  back.  (an engagement ring or heirloom jewelry  - give it  back)

I would not wear it for awhile if ever again. I  understand how some people might confuse the like for an object with the emotions for who  gave it  to  you. For some folks it is just not as simple as pretty necklace. 

My ex-boyfriend gave me a ring; we broke up, and I never wore it again (never liked the ring that much anyways). My dd found it in  my jewlery box  -  she loved it so it is hers  now.  

 

 

 

[WildflowerMom]

I can't imagine caring a whole lot if I was the new bf.   I think of it like what if new boyfriend's ex-gf gave him a really nice watch or necklace or something.   Would she want him to stop wearing it?  If so, then yes, she needs to stop wearing the diamond necklace.  If she can honestly say she wouldn't care, then she should keep wearing it if she wants to.  Personally, I would not care if dh wore a watch or whatever from an ex-gf.  But maybe that's because I'm no longer a teen or young adult?    That age may care more about that stuff than I do.    If she cares about his feelings, she should just ask new bf if he wants her to stop wearing it.  
 

I really don't think either one would be in the wrong-- not her for continuing to wear it and not him for not really liking her wearing it.  

Edited August 29, 2023 by WildflowerMom
Grammar

[Shoeless]

New boyfriends don't get to dictate fashion choices in my world. 

She offered the necklace back and the ex declined. She's free to wear it if she likes it. If that makes the new bf insecure, then she's learned something about him and should think on whether or not she's ok altering her choices to calm his insecurity. 

Edited August 29, 2023 by Shoeless

[Corraleno]

I understand the need to be sensitive to the feelings of others, but why does it seem like it's almost always women having to change their behavior in order to avoid triggering men's insecurity and/or jealousy? Why should we encourage girls to think that's their job or something they owe to men?

If this girl has explicitly told her ex that she has no interest in renewing the relationship, and he chooses to ignore her actual words in favor of (mis)reading her wearing of the necklace as a sign that she really wants him back, that's really disrespectful of her and messed up. If he sees her wearing it and thinks she should somehow "belong" to him because he gave her an expensive gift, that's also super messed up. And if he's looking at the necklace thinking "damn, I shouldn't have wasted my money on that since we ended up apart," then he should have accepted her offer to return it. I'm just tired of women always having to modify their behavior to protect insecure or jealous men from dealing with their own unhealthy emotions.

[easypeasy]

lol. Bless you all for always having opinions. 😆 I can always count on that. 😁

Some fill-in-the-blank info:

1) This isn't my DD. It's a dear friend of my sons that I've known for years and she called me up just to chat and this came up and we were pondering the conversation. Her new boyfriend's reaction to the necklace didn't prompt the convo - but a couple girlfriends of hers told her she needed to stop wearing it bc she was with a new guy now (they told her it was ok to wear if she was single, but she needed to not wear it now that she was with the new guy). They said the new bf is probably bugged by it and will probably ask her to stop wearing it at some point. She felt like why should she have to hide it. The new bf knows she dated the other guy & she knows it is over.

2) The new bf has NOT asked her to stop wearing the necklace. It's been discussed ONE time, when he just said he "didn't like that very much" and that was the end of it. He hasn't been petty or anything about it whatsoever. He did (in a different conversation with her) say he doesn't believe in showering someone with gifts early in a relationship because that throws the focus off of just getting to know each other. He seems to be more of a "flowers for no reason, gifts saved for birthdays and anniversaries" kind of guy. He is romantic but definitely gives her a lot more space than the last guy did.

3) The old bf was actually the "out of character" guy. She was accepted into a prestigious school and just finished her freshman year, but comes from a modest (middle-class) world. Ex swooped in (he is a year ahead) and romanced her in a way she's never before experienced. Very fancy dinners, weekend trips to NYC & Miami, etc. 

4) New bf is much more like she guys she's known all her life. It would be like her dating one of my sons, from the sounds of it, and she's known both of my boys for over a decade.

The only extracurricular stuff she is involved in are directly tied to her major and/or her future career. She has lots of research and outreach opportunities here that she didn't have back home - but many of those are connected/tied to the ex in some way (like, they have research assistantships under the same professor this coming year), so she DOES have to have a working relationship with him. The new bf is in an entirely different major (econ) and has different extracurricular needs. They are all very, very busy.

However, they hike together, camp together... all the stuff she did at home hanging around my sons. Those things will just lessen now that school has started (and new bf isn't going to be whisking her away to Rome for Christmas Break, yk?) and she will be appear to be doing a lot of things with the ex bc their scholastic paths cross a lot. New bf isn't the rebound - I think the ex was the experiment. lol

Anyway. Thank you for all the opinions. It was helpful to know that replies here were sort of as all over the place as her friends' opinions are! lol 😄 The Barbie (new vs old) comment above is so right, I think. Things are changing and it is leaving so many people just having no idea what is the "right" thing to do in situations, even when they are actively seeking to find it!

Edited August 30, 2023 by easypeasy

[ktgrok]

7 hours ago, marbel said:

If asked, I would advise she stop wearing the necklace until she is no longer around the ex ever. He is probably seeing it as a signal that she would like to maintain a relationship. 

She can put it away for a time and wear it again when it has lost its significance.

 

Reasons for wearing the necklace: 

1. It is pretty

Reasons NOT to wear the necklace

1. it may make ex think he has a chance when he doesn't, aka send mixed signals

2. It may be hurtful to ex to see her - who he still has feelings for - wearing the gift he got her, reminding him of what he had and can't have now

3. It may be hurtful to new boyfriend to see her wearing something he can't afford to give her

4. it may send a signal to new boyfriend that she is still sort of interested in ex

5. it may make her appear to be someone that plays games and is stringing along two guys

6. it may make new boyfriend feel she is sending a signal that she wants such gifts, even though she knows he can't afford them

Truly - if "it's pretty" is the only reason to wear it, and there are a lot of ways it could cause hurt feelings to wear it, she should stop wearing it for now. Keep it and in a year or so it will have lost all these issues, most likely. 

[thatfirstsip]

1 minute ago, ktgrok said:

Reasons for wearing the necklace: 

1. It is pretty

Reasons NOT to wear the necklace

1. it may make ex think he has a chance when he doesn't, aka send mixed signals

2. It may be hurtful to ex to see her - who he still has feelings for - wearing the gift he got her, reminding him of what he had and can't have now

3. It may be hurtful to new boyfriend to see her wearing something he can't afford to give her

4. it may send a signal to new boyfriend that she is still sort of interested in ex

5. it may make her appear to be someone that plays games and is stringing along two guys

6. it may make new boyfriend feel she is sending a signal that she wants such gifts, even though she knows he can't afford them

Truly - if "it's pretty" is the only reason to wear it, and there are a lot of ways it could cause hurt feelings to wear it, she should stop wearing it for now. Keep it and in a year or so it will have lost all these issues, most likely. 

I think you could replace this with "reasons to wear a short dress" and get a similar list.

[ktgrok]

40 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I understand the need to be sensitive to the feelings of others, but why does it seem like it's almost always women having to change their behavior in order to avoid triggering men's insecurity and/or jealousy? Why should we encourage girls to think that's their job or something they owe to men?

If this girl has explicitly told her ex that she has no interest in renewing the relationship, and he chooses to ignore her actual words in favor of (mis)reading her wearing of the necklace as a sign that she really wants him back, that's really disrespectful of her and messed up. If he sees her wearing it and thinks she should somehow "belong" to him because he gave her an expensive gift, that's also super messed up. And if he's looking at the necklace thinking "damn, I shouldn't have wasted my money on that since we ended up apart," then he should have accepted her offer to return it. I'm just tired of women always having to modify their behavior to protect insecure or jealous men from dealing with their own unhealthy emotions.

To be fair, I'm a woman and I'd want a guy I was dating to stop wearing jewelry his ex gave him - at least when he was actually around his ex. And yes, DH has worn jewelry during out time together, so this is a real thing that could have happened. 

I also asked him nicely to get new sheets on his bed when I started spending time in said bed, as his ex girlfriend picked them out and bought them for him and that weirded me out. 

[easypeasy]

2 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

To be fair, I'm a woman and I'd want a guy I was dating to stop wearing jewelry his ex gave him - at least when he was actually around his ex. And yes, DH has worn jewelry during out time together, so this is a real thing that could have happened. 

I also asked him nicely to get new sheets on his bed when I started spending time in said bed, as his ex girlfriend picked them out and bought them for him and that weirded me out. 

I did the same thing to my DH when we started dating, so I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal for the new bf to ask her to not wear the necklace. I feel like that's a perfectly fine request. I encouraged her to put herself in his shoes, but she's still young and that's sometimes hard to do.

I asked dh to take down photos, change sheets, throw out some kitchen things she had picked out.... it was a LONG LIST! 🤣 And he did it all - every single thing - without batting an eyelash because he wanted me to feel comfortable around him. If I'd have had to eat off dishes she picked out - our relationship wouldn't have lasted. But *I* place emotional attachment to things - my dh does not.

Edited August 29, 2023 by easypeasy

[marbel]

2 minutes ago, easypeasy said:

I did the same thing to my DH when we started dating, so I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal for the new bf to ask her to not wear the necklace. I feel like that's a perfectly fine request. I encouraged her to put herself in his shoes, but she's still young and that's sometimes hard to do.

I asked dh to take down photos, change sheets, throw out some kitchen things she had picked out.... it was a LONG LIST! 🤣 And he did it all - every single thing - without batting an eyelash because he wanted me to feel comfortable around him. If I'd have had to eat off dishes she picked out - our relationship wouldn't have lasted. But *I* place emotional attachment to things - my dh does not.

It's funny you mention dishes. When my husband and I got together, he had the plates that he and his first wife had gotten for their wedding. We used those plates for 25+ years. Somehow that didn't bother me, and I remember friends saying I was crazy to use "her" plates. BUT! There were plenty of other things I had him get rid of. FOR SURE. And if he was a jewelry guy, that would have been one of the things. 

Once, he gave me a book of his to read. Well it turns out that she had given him the book, and throughout there were little notes she had written to him. UGH. I showed him, and he took the book, threw it out, and bought me a new copy.  

I agree with a PP that it probably is usually the female who adjusts behavior, because women are (generalizing here!) typically more sensitive to those things than men. And perhaps taught to be more sensitive. I've tried to teach my son to be as sensitive to others' feelings as I have my daughter. 

[teachermom2834]

I think it is fine she kept the necklace. I would just put it away for awhile is wear when she wouldn’t see either guy which seems like alot of planning so just put it away for awhile.

While I don’t think there is anything technically wrong with wearing it I would think it would just be nice all the way around to just not for awhile. Yes the men involved should be able to handle that it is just a necklace but they are still young and learning and relationships are hard. 
 

If it was my dd, I would think she must not like this new guy very much if she cares enough about wearing the necklace to even think twice about not wearing it for now- and I’m totally not into guys being controlling at all or coddling them. I just think it is just a necklace and not worth any confusion or hurt feelings. 
 

So no one here has done anything really wrong. Not the girl and not the new guy. I’d just put the necklace away and give new guy a chance absent this weird dynamic. If this was a red flag there will be more and bigger but I wouldn’t write a nice young man off over this one thing. All of my sons would be baffled by how much the dd valued the necklace because we just don’t have any expensive jewelry in our family. So that would just be a misunderstanding all the way around.

[Melanie32]

I didn’t have time to read all of the replies but wanted to post really quickly because I had a similar situation once but it was in the reverse. When my now husband and I were dating he wore a necklace and pendant given to him by his ex all the time. It really bothered me. I knew that everything the ex saw it she thought it was a sign that she was still on his mind as she gave us a lot of problems. My husband just liked the necklace. 
 

Personally, I wouldn’t wear it or get rid of it. I would put it up for now and save it for later in life when there is more distance from the previous relationship. If I were to make a serious commitment to a new person, I would probably get rid of it.

My husband eventually sold his necklace and pendant. 

[wintermom]

2 hours ago, easypeasy said:

 

3) The old bf was actually the "out of character" guy. She was accepted into a prestigious school and just finished her freshman year, but comes from a modest (middle-class) world. Ex swooped in (he is a year ahead) and romanced her in a way she's never before experienced. Very fancy dinners, weekend trips to NYC & Miami, etc. She decided she didn't like the way *she* was changing when she was around him (she was biting her tongue, never disagreeing, always hanging around his friends, etc), so she broke it off with him a few weeks before school ended for the year.

Sounds like the ex was showing off all the $$ he had access to but didn't actually earn. The girl didn't like it much. Seems like she liked the fancy jewels, though. Kinda weird she'd where it daily. Oh well, perhaps she's still trying to fit in with the folks that have lots of their parents' money to spend. 

[Tap]

I wouldn't have worn jewelry from an x-boyfriend with a new boyfriend, unless the new one said he didn't care. Even then, it would be a constant reminder of that person, so I wouldn't wear it. 

 

When I divorced my xh, I gave part of my good jewelry to my daughter.  When I started dating, I gave the rest to her. I would never wear it again so there was no reason just to hold on to it, when she will definitely wear it.  Some of it was really nice and she was very happy to have it 🙂

[Catwoman]

57 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Sounds like the ex was showing off all the $$ he had access to but didn't actually earn. The girl didn't like it much. Seems like she liked the fancy jewels, though. Kinda weird she'd where it daily. Oh well, perhaps she's still trying to fit in with the folks that have lots of their parents' money to spend. 

I disagree.

I think the ex was just behaving the way he always behaved and was doing what is normal in his family and social circle. It seems like you’re judging the ex in a negative way simply because his family is wealthy. Why would you judge a person based on how much money they have (or don’t have?)

I also think you are judging the girl because she likes her lovely necklace. I’m getting the impression that you think she is shallow because she happens to like the nice thing that she got as a gift.

I don’t understand that mentality at all. The ex bought the girl an expensive necklace because he liked her and wanted to do something nice for her. The girl liked the gift and she still likes it. Would you feel differently about the situation if it had been a cheap, junky necklace?

 

Edited August 30, 2023 by Catwoman
Autocorrect is adding extra commas all over the place again!

[wintermom]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

I disagree.

I think the ex was just behaving the way he always behaved and is doing what is normal in his family and social circle. It seems like you’re judging the ex in a negative way simply because his family is wealthy. Why would you judge a person based on how much money they have (or don’t have?)

I also think you are judging the girl because she likes her lovely necklace. I’m getting the impression that you think she is shallow because she happens to like the nice thing that she got as a gift.

I don’t understand that mentality at all. The ex bought the girl an expensive necklace because he liked her and wanted to do something nice for her. The girl liked the gift and she still likes it. Would you feel differently about the situation if it had been a cheap, junky necklace?

You're allowed to disagree. I can have my opinion, too. Neither of us, nor the OP, actually knows the guy that buys a diamond for a brand-spaking-new girlfriend. I judge him to be showing off. I could be misjudging the girl, but since she rejected the guy but kept wearing the expensive jewlery, that adds some facts which I base my judgement. She likes the fancy stuff, but not the sentiment, nor the guy, that went with it.

[Catwoman]

Just now, wintermom said:

You're allowed to disagree. I can have my opinion, too. Neither of us, nor the OP, actually knows the guy that buys a diamond for a brand-spaking-new girlfriend. I judge him to be showing off. I could be misjudging the girl, but since she rejected the guy but kept wearing the expensive jewlery, that adds some facts which I base my judgement. She likes the fancy stuff, but not the sentiment, nor the guy, that went with it.

Speak for yourself. 

That ex-boyfriend could have been any of the guys in my social circle when I was young, and it could be my own ds23 right now.

Don’t judge it if you haven’t lived it. You have no idea what you’re talking about.

I think it’s sickening that you would judge the girl. If anything, I respect her even more for breaking up with a guy she didn’t particularly like, because she obviously did not stay with him for the free trips and the gifts. She could have really taken advantage of that guy, but she didn’t. That is the opposite of shallow, as far as I’m concerned.

And maybe you missed the part about how she tried to give the necklace back to the ex, but he refused to take it. That was extremely generous of her to offer and for him to refuse. He sounds like a nice person, even if he’s not the right guy for that particular girl.

[wintermom]

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Speak for yourself. 

That ex-boyfriend could have been any of the guys in my social circle when I was young, and it could be my own ds23 right now.

Don’t judge it if you haven’t lived it. You have no idea what you’re talking about.

I think it’s sickening that you would judge the girl. If anything, I respect her even more for breaking up with a guy she didn’t particularly like, because she obviously did not stay with him for the free trips and the gifts. She could have really taken advantage of that guy, but she didn’t. That is the opposite of shallow, as far as I’m concerned.

And maybe you missed the part about how she tried to give the necklace back to the ex, but he refused to take it. That was extremely generous of her to offer and for him to refuse. He sounds like a nice person, even if he’s not the right guy for that particular girl.

Well I'm not judging you and your family. It's kind of a trivial situation overall, so just calm down already. 

[Tap]

3 hours ago, ktgrok said:

To be fair, I'm a woman and I'd want a guy I was dating to stop wearing jewelry his ex gave him - at least when he was actually around his ex. And yes, DH has worn jewelry during out time together, so this is a real thing that could have happened. 

I also asked him nicely to get new sheets on his bed when I started spending time in said bed, as his ex girlfriend picked them out and bought them for him and that weirded me out. 

LOL My boyfriend had fairly new $250 sheets that he loved. They were soo nice!! After about 6 months, I asked him if we could get new ones. One of his formers, had caused a light bleach stain with acne meds on them. I figure it was a temporary visitor since it was just one spot on each. 🤪  He didn't realize it, but since I was the one washing and putting the sheets on the bed, I was purposefully putting it at his feet. I still knew it was there and finally asked. He winced a bit (due to the cost) but didn't say a word and said to toss them. He happily bought new ones the same week. They were barely used 😞 and otherwise so nice, I kinda hated to get rid of them too. LOL Instead of tossing them, I put them in the extra linen closet upstairs instead of tossing them. That way, they are there for an emergency or if we don't work out, he can pull them back out. Presumably, the same person ruined a bath sheet towel too. I always put that one on his towel hanger. I told him that we are going to get new bath sheets too because it is kinda like using an x's monogramed towel. He just laughed and said whatever (in a silly, not sarcastic way)  HAHA 

[Corraleno]

15 minutes ago, wintermom said:

 I could be misjudging the girl, but since she rejected the guy but kept wearing the expensive jewlery, that adds some facts which I base my judgement. She likes the fancy stuff, but not the sentiment, nor the guy, that went with it.

Just pointing out that OP said he was the one who broke it off, not her:

"FWIW, He did the breaking up. He just came to regret the decision over the summer. They just got back to campus and he started in immediately." 

Edited August 30, 2023 by Corraleno

[Catwoman]

I’m kind of surprised at how a few people immediately focused on the fact that it was a diamond necklace. 

Why does that matter so much? Not all diamond necklaces are very expensive. People may be seriously overestimating the value of this thing. And no matter what it’s worth, I thought the original question was whether or not a girl should wear a gift from an ex-boyfriend when she’s with her current boyfriend. The monetary value of the necklace shouldn’t really be coming into play here at all.

 

[wintermom]

47 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

Just pointing out that OP said he was the one who broke it off, not her:

"FWIW, He did the breaking up. He just came to regret the decision over the summer. They just got back to campus and he started in immediately." 

I'm getting confused with this story now, as there seem to be two versions - one where he broke it off, and a later one where she did. I'm hopping out of this real-life drama and going back to tv drama. 

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, wintermom said:

I'm getting confused with this story now, as there seem to be two versions - one where he broke it off, and a later one where she did. I'm hopping out of this real-life drama and going back to tv drama. 

No! Go play with that new puppy instead!!! 🥰

[Shoeless]

Its a different dynamic between a college girl wearing a necklace from an ex bf and getting rid of intimate reminders of an ex spouse or live-in partner. 

[easypeasy]

12 minutes ago, wintermom said:

I'm getting confused with this story now, as there seem to be two versions - one where he broke it off, and a later one where she did. I'm hopping out of this real-life drama and going back to tv drama. 

Yes, the story DID change. She did break up with him. I wasn’t aware of that earlier. When we talked again she corrected me. I guess I had made the assumption & made that assumption fact. 😶😶 Bad on me. Ugh. 
 

either way - she’s valued the opinions and is taking them, and her friends opinions into consideration and moving forward into the semester. 

Edited August 30, 2023 by easypeasy

[Scarlett]

My experience is coming out of a 26 year marriage with a handful of expensive jewelry. I did not get rid of any of it.  I mean, it was mostly ‘gifts’ but purchased with marital money over a long term marriage, so shrug. The only piece that makes me feel weird is the 25 year anniversary ring that is a beautiful caret diamond. It was purchased for me after he was already involved with the other woman.   I don’t wear it.  I saved it for my son but he did not want it for his wife because he said it was from a failed marriage.  :(.  
 

Dh has no opinion on mu jewelry from first marriage.  I asked him what I should do with diamond ring and he shrugs.  I might give it to step son. I might turn it into a necklace.  
 

But I suspect my situation is not particularly relevant to a college girl from a 6 month dating situation.

I would keep it and not worry about it.  If new boyfriend is insecure about it, that is probably a red flag.

 

[Lecka]

To me it is no one’s concern but the two people involved, and if they don’t like it, maybe they’ll break up.  It’s now August and they’ve been together since this summer — maybe they will stay together, maybe not.

 

If they have several things they disagree about, they should break up!  At a certain point.

 

I think it would be better for her to be herself, and let the guy be himself.  

 

If she honestly thinks it’s fine then I think it’s a mistake to change that.  
 

If her friends have a serious problem with it I would consider if she wants to get along with them, and I think that might be different if she doesn’t mind going along with their sense of propriety even if she doesn’t share it.  I think that’s worth considering.  I think it would depend on how it was coming across from them.  

[ScoutTN]

13 hours ago, marbel said:

If asked, I would advise she stop wearing the necklace until she is no longer around the ex ever. He is probably seeing it as a signal that she would like to maintain a relationship. 

She can put it away for a time and wear it again when it has lost its significance.

 

This.

[Danae]

If I were advising a young person in this situation I would start by assuming everyone involved is a decent person who generally intends to conduct their life in a way that is respectful of others. There’s no information here that points to anyone being a jerk, or controlling, or overly materialistic, or any other negative motivation. Not all relationships work out, and this story doesn’t require a villain.  

[HS Mom in NC]

I have always believed and practiced the return of gifted jewelry when a romantic relationship ends.  I think it's weird to want to keep it, frankly. When it's over, it's over. Make a clean break and return it. No mixed signals. "You and all the tokens of our romance from you are out of my life. Go have a great life...without me in it. Live long, prosper, Spock hand and all that."   If I really liked the item, I'D buy my OWN version of it for myself. Women are allowed to buy themselves jewelry after all. Also, I'm not a stuff person. No dragon tendencies about shiny objects here.

When I was 16 I returned heart shaped gold stud earrings and an emerald ring to a boyfriend (older Gen X)  after we broke up after a year together. When I was 18 I returned another emerald ring to another boyfriend (older Gen X) after we broke up less than a year together.  I never said anything about wanting a birthstone ring to them. Must be an older Gen X thing to buy your girlfriend a birthstone piece of jewelry.

The exception would be if you're giving it to the children of your ex. My mother kept her wedding set (didn't wear it) and gave me the multi-diamond wedding band when I graduated from high school.  She saved the engagement ring for my brother to give as/trade in/reset in for an engagement ring/gift when he got married. He traded it in to get a larger diamond ring for her. Sort of a let's make one nice thing out of this sh!t show of an obvious to everyone but us ill-fated  relationship that went on far too long. Let's celebrate a milestone for each of you.

Edited August 30, 2023 by HS Mom in NC

[ktgrok]

3 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

I have always believed and practiced the return of gifted jewelry when a romantic relationship ends.  I think it's weird to want to keep it, frankly. When it's over, it's over. Make a clean break and return it. No mixed signals. "You and all the tokens of our romance from you are out of my life. Go have a great life...without me in it. Live long, prosper, Spock hand and all that."  

This sort of depends on the item for me. If it was not expensive, and the person doesn't ask for it, I may keep it as a reminder, a memory, assuming I don't hate the person who is now my ex. Maybe give to a daughter or wear a few years later. But I would NOT wear it around them. But having a momento in a box somewhere of a first love or whatever...I see nothing wrong with that. And if it is inexpensive - like say the small heart necklace a boyfriend gave to me once that he bought while on a trip - not expensive, the kind of thing you'd pick up in a souvenir store - what on earth is the guy going to do with it if you give it back? Can't return it at that point, and him giving it to another girlfriend would be icky, and he isn't going to wear it. 

Now, something pricy that he could sell, maybe, yes. And of course engagement rings go back, or heirlooms. 

[Grace Hopper]

1 minute ago, ktgrok said:

This sort of depends on the item for me. If it was not expensive, and the person doesn't ask for it, I may keep it as a reminder, a memory, assuming I don't hate the person who is now my ex. Maybe give to a daughter or wear a few years later. But I would NOT wear it around them. But having a momento in a box somewhere of a first love or whatever...I see nothing wrong with that. And if it is inexpensive - like say the small heart necklace a boyfriend gave to me once that he bought while on a trip - not expensive, the kind of thing you'd pick up in a souvenir store - what on earth is the guy going to do with it if you give it back? Can't return it at that point, and him giving it to another girlfriend would be icky, and he isn't going to wear it. 

Now, something pricy that he could sell, maybe, yes. And of course engagement rings go back, or heirlooms. 

I am not typically a sentimental or superstitious person, but I totally agree that the provenance of something like a piece of fine jewelry has a lot to do with how it does/does not get passed along. When my mom passed, my sisters and I were pleased to keep any nice pieces that had been given to her by our father. Anything given by her abusive second husband? Neither of us wanted to touch it - bad mojo! It was tempting to think my sons could maybe use the diamonds, reset for engagement rings, but nope! We sold those pieces to a private jeweler and put the proceeds towards interment costs. 

[Bambam]

I guess we are in a different category, because I have trouble seeing an expensive diamond pendant/necklace being common/normal attire for a college student. I mean, mostly my kids wore tshirts to classes. A diamond pendant would have looked out of place to me! 

If it were me, I wouldn't wear it for several years. And I don't think this is a female must make the adjustment thing, I think this would apply both male and female. 

[HS Mom in NC]

13 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

This sort of depends on the item for me. If it was not expensive, and the person doesn't ask for it, I may keep it as a reminder, a memory, assuming I don't hate the person who is now my ex. Maybe give to a daughter or wear a few years later. But I would NOT wear it around them. But having a momento in a box somewhere of a first love or whatever...I see nothing wrong with that. And if it is inexpensive - like say the small heart necklace a boyfriend gave to me once that he bought while on a trip - not expensive, the kind of thing you'd pick up in a souvenir store - what on earth is the guy going to do with it if you give it back? Can't return it at that point, and him giving it to another girlfriend would be icky, and he isn't going to wear it. 

 

He can do whatever he likes- give it to his sister, donate it, trash it, put in on an effigy of me and burn it like Ron Swanson, whatever.  That doesn't mean I want it.  (It's so weird monetary value keeps popping up in this discussion. Monetary value has nothing to do with it..)  "Here's that jewelry you gave me and your sweatshirt and that book you gave me...God bless you and keep you.."...far away from me.

I'm not into memorializing everything so there's no way I'd keep anything from a romantic relationship that ended, including one that ended amicably.  I think this tendency of memorializing things slows down the moving on or completion process and creates negative messages from stuff around us.  There's actual scientific research on the effect of physical objects in our environment on our mental health. Minimalism often speaks to the unspoken messages our stuff tells us.

I think there's power in the ancient idea of "cultivating passions" in our thoughts, practices, affections, and physical environment.  Giving back a token of someone's heart is a clear message to myself, them, and others that that person's heart no longer belongs to me and I'm not going invest more thoughts of it.  I give it back to them because I'm no longer interested in their heart or any tokens of it.  When I'm in a current romantic relationship, I keep only tokens of that person's heart because I'm whole heartedly focused on that. 

And no, don't send friend requests or accept friend requests of former romantic partners on social media.  Not even after the former romantic partner then asked a mutual friend for me to do so. All but one former boyfriend sent requests and I declined them all. I'm not putting any time or energy into even perfectly innocent requests.  I don't want to navigate that.  It's not cold-hearted, bitter, or resentful.  That relationship ended.  I see no reason to start any other type of relationship if we don't have children together. I'm done.  I moved on. I have limited bandwidth and won't use any of it on reincarnating new forms of ended romantic relationships. I take closure seriously.

[Corraleno]

2 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

He can do whatever he likes- give it to his sister, donate it, trash it, put in on an effigy of me and burn it like Ron Swanson, whatever.  That doesn't mean I want it.  (It's so weird monetary value keeps popping up in this discussion. Monetary value has nothing to do with it..)  "Here's that jewelry you gave me and your sweatshirt and that book you gave me...God bless you and keep you.."...far away from me.

I'm not into memorializing everything so there's no way I'd keep anything from a romantic relationship that ended, including one that ended amicably.  I think this tendency of memorializing things slows down the moving on or completion process and creates negative messages from stuff around us.  There's actual scientific research on the effect of physical objects in our environment on our mental health. Minimalism often speaks to the unspoken messages our stuff tells us.

I think there's power in the ancient idea of "cultivating passions" in our thoughts, practices, affections, and physical environment.  Giving back a token of someone's heart is a clear message to myself, them, and others that that person's heart no longer belongs to me and I'm not going invest more thoughts of it.  I give it back to them because I'm no longer interested in their heart or any tokens of it.  When I'm in a current romantic relationship, I keep only tokens of that person's heart because I'm whole heartedly focused on that. 

I guess I don't see every single gift given during a relationship as a "piece of someone's heart," so I don't feel any obligation to return something that to me was just a normal birthday gift or Christmas present or whatever. If all gifts given during a romantic relationship have to be returned when the relationship ends, then they obviously weren't gifts, they were just some sort of weird loan with strings attached.

But I also don't think of keeping those items as "memorializing" a relationship or a person — actually, quite the opposite. To me, objects received as gifts are no different from objects I bought myself; they're just things I like, which belong to me regardless of where I got them. I don't associate any kind of "juju" with inanimate objects. And I feel the same way about gifts I've given to other people while in a relationship — I certainly hope they really liked the gifts I gave them, because I put a lot of thought into gift giving, and I would be really insulted if someone insisted on returning everything I ever gave them; that just seems petty and spiteful to me. But luckily that has never happened to me, nor have any partners ever complained about objects that were gifts from someone in the past.

Some of my favorite things were gifts from past relationships, including jewelry, archaeological artifacts, books, antique prints and artwork, and just quirky little objects. I have a beautiful piece of Precolumbian pottery that was a birthday gift from my boyfriend in grad school, which has been displayed in every home I've lived in for the past 40 years. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that I should have returned that when we broke up — and if any partner I've had since then had jealously insisted I get rid of it, the pot would not be the thing I got rid of!

[Catwoman]

59 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I guess we are in a different category, because I have trouble seeing an expensive diamond pendant/necklace being common/normal attire for a college student. I mean, mostly my kids wore tshirts to classes. A diamond pendant would have looked out of place to me! 

If it were me, I wouldn't wear it for several years. And I don't think this is a female must make the adjustment thing, I think this would apply both male and female. 

I think a lot of people are picturing this as some sort of dressy cocktail jewelry, but there are a lot of casual jewelry pieces that have diamonds in them that are perfect for everyday wear.

I’m picturing something kind of delicate and pretty, not something huge and showy.