Want to kick myself — update, first post

[Spryte]

I caved to pressure earlier this week, and put someone else’s wants above my/my family’s needs. I feel sick about this.

It felt, in the moment, like a small sacrifice, and I think I didn’t want to appear demanding by insisting on what we need. It’s going to directly adversely affect my family for a relatively short time (a week and a half), but does have the potential for long-term effects since the adverse effects may color our family’s perceptions about something we were deciding which will impact us all long-term. A bad experience will certainly ensure that at least two of us say, “No” to the thing we are considering.

Also, well, I’ve agreed to disappoint our kids (one was a bit teary), and inconvenience everyone — myself included — for the sake of someone *who isn’t important to me*’s relatively trivial request. 

I just want to kick myself. DH was part of the decision, too, but final responsibility for it is on me.

How can I feel better about this, and suck it up and go do The Thing with a smile on my face?

 

Update: it’s fixed! We lucked out, and a new Airbnb listing popped up today that ticks all the boxes. We were planning to move around if necessary, but this one is available the entire time, walking distance to all the cool downtown stuff, excellent reviews, superhost listings. It’s booked. Full kitchen, so we can feed our allergy peeps! 

Thanks for the helpful support and ideas, you all made me feel better.

Edited November 12, 2022 by Spryte

[Lecka]

Is it too late to cancel?

[almondbutterandjelly]

Can't you just back out?  "I misspoke and we can't do that thing after all."

 

[Spryte]

Just now, Lecka said:

Is it too late to cancel?

Probably. Definitely too late to do the thing that was initially carefully planned, that worked for our family.

Possibly we can cancel the entire thing, but that wouldn’t help with our decision making.

[mommyoffive]

Yeah other than  just canceling since something just came up, I don't what else to suggest without details of what is happening.

[Spryte]

1 minute ago, perky said:

Can't you just back out?  "I misspoke and we can't do that thing after all."

 

It involves reservations. I agreed to cancel our carefully researched reservation and book a different one. Now the one that worked is no longer available.

 

[mommyoffive]

3 minutes ago, Spryte said:

It involves reservations. I agreed to cancel our carefully researched reservation and book a different one. Now the one that worked is no longer available.

 

If it is something really expensive, once in a lifetime, important ..... I would cancel going the other way and book it for a time that the one you want is open even if that means waiting, if you think it is that big of a deal.

[Spryte]

1 hour ago, mommyoffive said:

Yeah other than  just canceling since something just came up, I don't what else to suggest without details of what is happening.

please don’t quote this part:

We are considering an international move, and planned a trip to see what living there would feel like, for our kids.  Trip is being mostly covered by a company that wants us to move, and one person in company implied that we should stay someplace for less than our planned place. 

We have a lot going on, just so much stress. I agreed because I didn’t want to add more stress and appear demanding.

Now we are piling into a tiny place without enough beds or spaces for dining, or the type of kitchen we need to cook food (we can’t eat in restaurants). 

I don’t know what I was thinking. I agreed and canceled our chosen place, booked the one that doesn’t really fit our needs and told myself it could work.

5 days later, I have had time to think it through, and can see it won’t be a great experience, and don’t know what I was thinking.

Meanwhile the rest of the company officers are saying, “Get what you need! We want you to love it!” But there’s nothing else available now.

I am just feeling so stupid.

Edited November 11, 2022 by Spryte

[Lecka]

How can it even work if you need a kitchen?  
 

Maybe you need to cancel?

 

 

[Spryte]

4 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

If it is something really expensive, once in a lifetime, important ..... I would cancel going the other way and book it for a time that the one you want is open even if that means waiting, if you think it is that big of a deal.

Yes, I’m considering that. Though it might not be an option, since this is related to a company thing, and they have been asking us to bring family over for six months. Canceling might reflect badly.

[mommyoffive]

Ugh.  I can see why it happened.  I am sorry for your losses.  How stressful.  

What an exciting opportunity.  That sounds really hard because it would impact things.  Can you tell the company to find you a place with X and Y and have them do it for you?  Or go at another time? Even just a week or two?  Stay a little further away?

[Lecka]

Sometimes people cancel things.

This doesn’t seem like something impossible to cancel.  
 

They want your husband and he hasn’t decided — they can wait.  
 

Maybe that’s not the right attitude but I think life is too short.

 

And why go if you know kids will have a bad time and bad impression, but the purpose is the opposite?

You don’t have to put yourself and the rest of them through it.  
 

Plus think about the long flight and getting to your place — it’s just — why?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Everyone makes mistakes.  See if you can put your name on a cancellation list somehow.  See if there are any air bnbs in the area?  See if you can reframe it somehow as an adventure? 

[Lecka]

Okay — it might reflect badly on you.  They might think you are difficult.  Who cares.

Your husband is the one who they Al want to work there.

Maybe they will work harder.

Maybe somebody there shouldn’t have gotten you to switch locations.  

[Spryte]

Just now, Lecka said:

How can it even work if you need a kitchen?  
 

Maybe you need to cancel?

 

 

We will have a mini kitchenette, so theoretically I can shop often? But only a microwave and hot plate. There’s a small bar where two people can sit, and a sitting area for three, so we will split up to eat. 

I mean, I reasoned that we could make it work, and we could, but it won’t be the experience that we wanted our kids to have, more like college kids piling into a hotel room for spring break.

[Lecka]

If it’s a done thing that you are doing this int’l move — you don’t even need to go and definitely don’t need to take kids on a bad experience.

 

If you want to go and think it is good anyways — I think that is a good reason to keep these plans.  

[Lecka]

Well only you know if it’s just not something you want to deal with at all, or if it’s okay but not as good as the original plan.

If it’s okay — I think “lesson learned.”

If it’s not workable or something you want to deal with or unlikely to be positive — you are allowed to cancel.  
 

Edit — if it IS going to be okay, I think focus on the fact you do think it will work out, and that is the important thing.  

Edited November 11, 2022 by Lecka

[Spryte]

We will keep looking for something else. Checking AirBnB, VRBO and hotel listings. I’ll ask about cancellation lists. Right now there is nothing available that fits our needs and budget. Two weeks ago, there was plenty, so hopefully something will come up.

I’m pretty low maintenance, until you factor in big kids with crazy allergies. Having these specific needs for food prep makes our family more difficult.
 

 

 

 

[Lecka]

You are not an inconvenience to anyone.

Your needs and your kids’ needs matter.

It won’t be that big of a deal if you do cancel.  
 

 

[Spryte]

6 minutes ago, Lecka said:

If it’s a done thing that you are doing this int’l move — you don’t even need to go and definitely don’t need to take kids on a bad experience.

 

If you want to go and think it is good anyways — I think that is a good reason to keep these plans.  

Oh, it’s definitely not a done decision. This trip was to give the kids a feel for it, check out school options, get a general feel for it. DH and I are both on the fence, and the kids are not convinced.

 

[Spryte]

1 minute ago, Lecka said:

You are not an inconvenience to anyone.

Your needs and your kids’ needs matter.

It won’t be that big of a deal if you do cancel.  
 

 

Thanks!

I am thinking that if we can’t find a place that works, we might postpone a few weeks. They would like us there for a particular event, but I also think the person that matters most is more invested in making sure the kids and I have a great experience (so we all want to move), and might be ok with whatever we need to do to make that happen.

When I agreed, I was all for adventure, and we can do anything. Then logistically planning, it hit me how difficult this might be. Cooking, dining space, beds — pretty basic. I don’t care how small it is, but those three things seem important.

 

[Hannah]

Would it be possible, and would you be willing, to up the budget by paying in a bit of your own to get exactly what you need?

 

[Spryte]

2 minutes ago, Hannah said:

Would it be possible, and would you be willing, to up the budget by paying in a bit of your own to get exactly what you need?

 

Yes, absolutely. 

I spent the morning looking, with no luck, though.

That’s what made me start kicking myself.

However, I will keep my fingers crossed that a better place pops up soon. 

 

 

[Hilltopmom]

This is an aside, but I lived in North Africa during high school while my dad worked at an embassy. I did not want to go at all but in the long run it was an amazing experience that I’m very glad I had.

Just visiting would not have given us a true picture of what it would be like and tbh my parents would not have been able to get me on the plane if I’d known what the first few months would be like.

All that to say, visiting might not help convince anyone.

good luck!

[itsheresomewhere]

Adding 5-10 miles more to your search area might open a few more options.  It has worked in the past for us.  I know not always convenient by worth trying. 

[sassenach]

50 minutes ago, Hilltopmom said:

This is an aside, but I lived in North Africa during high school while my dad worked at an embassy. I did not want to go at all but in the long run it was an amazing experience that I’m very glad I had.

Just visiting would not have given us a true picture of what it would be like and tbh my parents would not have been able to get me on the plane if I’d known what the first few months would be like.

All that to say, visiting might not help convince anyone.

good luck!

I’ve done 3 major moves sight unseen. That seems crazy to me now but it actually all worked out. 

[ScoutTN]

With your family’s food requirements, the kitchen is not optional. I’d back out and find a place that works. Physical/medical needs trump everything else. 

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, Spryte said:

We will have a mini kitchenette, so theoretically I can shop often? But only a microwave and hot plate. There’s a small bar where two people can sit, and a sitting area for three, so we will split up to eat. 

I mean, I reasoned that we could make it work, and we could, but it won’t be the experience that we wanted our kids to have, more like college kids piling into a hotel room for spring break.

In case it helps to make the current option work...what do you need to cook adequately? If a crock pot, instant pot, electric skillet, toaster oven sort of set up would fix it and still be in the budget, maybe you could fork over the money to have whatever items you need travel with you. I have had to bring cooking implements on a trip, and it's do-able. The hive gave me tons of tips.

You might be able to purchase some inexpensive utensils or mixing bowls while you are there so that you only have to bring things that are $$$ or might be hard or time-consuming to find.

You might have to plan on eating more fresh food that doesn't need to be cooked than you usually would, assuming that works for your specific allergens.

[Spryte]

5 minutes ago, kbutton said:

In case it helps to make the current option work...what do you need to cook adequately? If a crock pot, instant pot, electric skillet, toaster oven sort of set up would fix it and still be in the budget, maybe you could fork over the money to have whatever items you need travel with you. I have had to bring cooking implements on a trip, and it's do-able. The hive gave me tons of tips.

You might be able to purchase some inexpensive utensils or mixing bowls while you are there so that you only have to bring things that are $$$ or might be hard or time-consuming to find.

You might have to plan on eating more fresh food that doesn't need to be cooked than you usually would, assuming that works for your specific allergens.

Yes, I have been pondering buying some small appliances like that once we arrive. 

One of the kids can only eat about 4 fresh foods without getting hives, but the rest of us can.

I might just have to rethink the meal planning (cue next thread!).

[Mom_to3]

Oh no! I think this is a decision you have been considering for a very long time. I would probably rebook, possibly for a later date. As it, the situation will add stress and inconvenience - during your stay, you want to focus on what is important for the longer-term decision, and figuring out how to eat properly is not. That said, we've done the microwave and hot plate thing eating on the beds for long visits abroad for our family (weeks to months), and it was fine. No allergies, however. How long is the stay? 

[Spryte]

3 minutes ago, Mom_to3 said:

Oh no! I think this is a decision you have been considering for a very long time. I would probably rebook, possibly for a later date. As it, the situation will add stress and inconvenience - during your stay, you want to focus on what is important for the longer-term decision, and figuring out how to eat properly is not. That said, we've done the microwave and hot plate thing eating on the beds for long visits abroad for our family (weeks to months), and it was fine. No allergies, however. How long is the stay? 

Yes, we’ve been pondering this move since May. We decided a trip to see in person would help.

10 days, so not too long. We will pack a suitcase full of safe snacks, spices, and pasta. We can’t eat many pre-prepped items even here. So there we will buy meat and veg. Only whole, one ingredient items. I’m thinking lots of stir fry at this point! 
 

 

[lmrich]

Something will open up - try checking for a different check in date. You could stay at the not ideal location and move to the better one in a few days  - maybe? 

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, Spryte said:

Yes, we’ve been pondering this move since May. We decided a trip to see in person would help.

10 days, so not too long. We will pack a suitcase full of safe snacks, spices, and pasta. We can’t eat many pre-prepped items even here. So there we will buy meat and veg. Only whole, one ingredient items. I’m thinking lots of stir fry at this point! 
 

 

People used to have woks with heat built into them kind of like an electric skillet. IDK if they are still available. Some rice cookers have a steamer basket for veggies and/or can be used as slow cookers.

[Spryte]

1 hour ago, lmrich said:

Something will open up - try checking for a different check in date. You could stay at the not ideal location and move to the better one in a few days  - maybe? 

Oh, that’s a great point! I’ll search that way, too.

[Spryte]

9 minutes ago, kbutton said:

People used to have woks with heat built into them kind of like an electric skillet. IDK if they are still available. Some rice cookers have a steamer basket for veggies and/or can be used as slow cookers.

I remember those woks! We will see what we find when we get over there. At the very least a rice cooker — if it has other uses that would be ideal.

[Hilltopmom]

2 hours ago, sassenach said:

I’ve done 3 major moves sight unseen. That seems crazy to me now but it actually all worked out. 

Yes, all of ours were always sight unseen. I actually think it’s better that way. But maybe not with food allergy issues to figure out 

[Spryte]

6 minutes ago, Hilltopmom said:

Yes, all of ours were always sight unseen. I actually think it’s better that way. But maybe not with food allergy issues to figure out 

The food allergy thing is a huge component for us. 

We have friends there with one or two allergies, and they can help, but we don’t know anyone with the number we have. It’s a lot to manage.

[Spryte]

5 hours ago, Hilltopmom said:

Yes, all of ours were always sight unseen. I actually think it’s better that way. But maybe not with food allergy issues to figure out 

We thought about deciding and just telling the kids and going. And we may.

I’m not convinced about moving and neither is DH. We are both on the fence about this, partly because of the allergies.

Edited November 12, 2022 by Spryte

[Spryte]

Update: it’s fixed! We lucked out, and a new Airbnb listing popped up today that ticks all the boxes. We were planning to move around if necessary, but this one is available the entire time, walking distance to all the cool downtown stuff, excellent reviews, superhost listings. It’s booked. Full kitchen, so we can feed our allergy peeps! 

Thanks for the helpful support and ideas, you all made me feel better.

[Junie]

This update makes me so, so happy!! I hope you have a wonderful trip!!

[mommyoffive]

What awesome luck!!!  Yay.  I hope you have a great trip and maybe the start of a whole new adventure.

[ScoutTN]

Hooray for a good place!!

[fraidycat]

So glad it worked out!! Yay!

[Lecka]

Great update!!!!!

[Kassia]

Saw your update and am so happy for you! 

[Mom_to3]

Yay!! Excellent news - that will give you time to focus on what is important.

[happi duck]

Yay!

[Harriet Vane]

Yay!! I’m so glad.