Structuring unstructured days/accountability/traveling/community/belonging

[TexasProud]

 

Sorry to waste your time. 

 

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[Bambam]

There several local charities in our location that would love to have volunteers (much of their volunteer base is older, and it's gotten smaller since COVID started) even if the volunteers will be gone due to traveling. I'm sure if you start looking you may find these or other opportunities. 


    - Hospitals - we have two hospitals, and one especially (LR) needs volunteers to help the info desk both in the hospital and their associated medical buildings
    - Clothing/food pantry (Caring and Sharing is the first one that I think of) - I know several volunteers who go one day a week to help sort the clothing donations into sizes/gender/etc. My understanding is they are in the back sorting/arranging - and I think that work is done on a day the place isn't open for business (but still a weekday). I'm sure this is different for places of this type. The folks I know who do this seem to have a good time interacting with the other folks who are there. 
    - Legacy Closet - this is a charity that collects clothing/toys/necessities for children and then shares them with emergency foster placements. They need folks to come and vet and sort the donations into the bins they have set up. They don't take clothing with stains/holes/etc because that sends the wrong message to the kids, in the same way they are always looking for bags (even like the fabric shopping bags) to send the clothing with the families (they will not use trash bags for this purpose). They are grateful for any help they get - and would understand about travel.  Rainbow Room is another resource like this, but they will only provide for residents of their county, and they provide limited things. 
   - Another one is Heartisans - they train/help women who need it - they provide training and support. They run a shop to help fund their work, and need helpers to make many of the products (they have a kitchen to make various things, and a printing machine, and a sewing center, and more that I can't remember). This group seems to need people regularly to help make the products. 
   - various museums need docents or folks to help out. 

If you volunteered at someplace and it continued - even with gaps for vacations, I think that might help develop a longer friendship. I'd pick a day and try to go consistently on that day while I am in town so I would run into the same people thus increasing your chances of developing friends. 

Other ideas:
   - one of my relatives attends water fitness classes.  Where she is, the classes are mostly older folks (joint replacements) and is run by a PT. The same group shows up every scheduled day (because you have to register, no drop ins), and they regularly go to lunch together afterwards - and sometimes enjoy a movie together. This relative has developed long-lasting friends just from this class. It may help because 95% of the folks in the class are retired so they have more free time to get together. 

If there are older or health-compromised folks in your congregation, why not pick a day and call them regularly to check up on them and just chat? I've done that with a couple of ladies, and I've learned the most surprising things. One was an accountant, but when she was going to school, she was actively discouraged by the head of the department because she was a female. Oddly enough - this major is now mostly females with only a few males.  She has other interesting stories - and I learned that they used to provide a bus to the rural areas to transport students to the local community college! Another lady always wanted to be a pilot after she took a course in high school that a female teacher, who was a pilot, offered - and even took the kids up in her plane. Unfortunately the teacher had to stop because she got pregnant (this was a long time ago) - but my friend decided after her last kid graduated from college that she did want to get her pilot's license, so she went out to our local airport to get started on that. I was impressed by someone who took the steps necessary to try to fulfill one of her ambitions! She has other stories that are interesting - tales of folks waiting hours in line for a polio shot for their kids, etc - so much history that is forgotten now. Another lady was one of the original land men (those in TX will understand that, but I don't know if the rest will) - back where there were very,very few females in that profession. Given the technology we rely on every day, just the hurdles she had to face seem to huge to the people of today.  These people made be old, but they are interesting folks and are often lonely. A phone call can really help. 

I'm sure you can find similar places where you can volunteer to help out. My advice? Get started today - call a few places and see if they need volunteers, but also explain you will be regular, but you do take a lot of vacations. Then go one day this week to help out. Consider picking another for the next week, and go back to the first place on 'your' day but add another one on another day. I find things go much better for me if I have a consistent schedule - these are Monday things, these are Tuesday things, etc. I don't have to fill up the entire day (because someone will come up with something to mess up the schedule) - but having some regular thing to do several days a week provides a framework and is thus comforting to me. 

ETA: I know we have a local community choir in our area. Maybe joining that might be an option too? Or even helping behind the scenes? 

 

Edited September 26, 2022 by Bambam

[Scarlett]

With technology it seems like you could be making friends with people that you volunteer with.  You don’t have to get together in person to maintain a friendship.  As far as volunteering……I mean personally. Would think what you are doing is plenty.  So I have no suggested.  

[Innisfree]

Do you really want to travel so much? Having a more local life is a valid choice. 
 

I do think it’s possible to have deeper friendships even if you aren’t always physically present. It does require purposeful communication when you are away. Maybe we’re less likely to communicate with individuals, even ones who could be good friends, in an era of social media aimed at a wider audience? I don’t know. But writing letters was good for maintaining deep friendships.

[marbel]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I am sure we will spend Christmas with my MIL and hubby's family, which we should since other than my sister, my family no longer exists and she is 12 hours away.  But that means no singing in Christmas stuff at church.... So then, why am I going to practice? But I love singing and performing in a choir.

I'm just pulling out this little bit here as it stood out to me. 

Do you want to go to your MIL's for Christmas? Or do you feel you have to?

When my mother died, my in-laws sort of assumed we would see them every  Christmas (when my mother was alive we alternated years). But we decided to keep up the alternating years, and stayed home on what would have been my mom's years. It was so nice to be able to enjoy Christmas at home, honestly. 

So, if you are singing with the choir and practicing for Christmas, why not just stay home this year?

The friendships you develop in choir, bible study, etc., can withstand your travels. As Scarlett said, you don't have to be together in person all the time. 

 I have a close group of friends whom I have never met. We have "known" each other for years, after meeting on a now-defunct message board. It's not the same as going out for a coffee date, but we do text a lot, and sometimes meet via zoom. We pray for each other and share our joys and burdens. It's not ideal, but it is a close friendship. Certainly if you make good friends locally, you can maintain those friendships while on a trip. 

Edited September 26, 2022 by marbel

[Jaybee]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

If there are older or health-compromised folks in your congregation, why not pick a day and call them regularly to check up on them and just chat? I've done that with a couple of ladies, and I've learned the most surprising things. One was an accountant, but when she was going to school, she was actively discouraged by the head of the department because she was a female. Oddly enough - this major is now mostly females with only a few males.  She has other interesting stories - and I learned that they used to provide a bus to the rural areas to transport students to the local community college! Another lady always wanted to be a pilot after she took a course in high school that a female teacher, who was a pilot, offered - and even took the kids up in her plane. Unfortunately the teacher had to stop because she got pregnant (this was a long time ago) - but my friend decided after her last kid graduated from college that she did want to get her pilot's license, so she went out to our local airport to get started on that. I was impressed by someone who took the steps necessary to try to fulfill one of her ambitions! She has other stories that are interesting - tales of folks waiting hours in line for a polio shot for their kids, etc - so much history that is forgotten now. Another lady was one of the original land men (those in TX will understand that, but I don't know if the rest will) - back where there were very,very few females in that profession. Given the technology we rely on every day, just the hurdles she had to face seem to huge to the people of today.  These people made be old, but they are interesting folks and are often lonely. A phone call can really help. 

This is a good idea. When my ds interviewed an older man a year or so ago for something (can't remember details now), he commented that the man seemed to appreciate his interest so much, and thanked ds for asking him the questions. So many older people feel forgotten and unknown after often leading very interesting lives. To be heard and known means a lot to them. This might not be what you have in mind, as in a larger group of people meeting regularly, but you could make it something more regular. Then you could turn these into your stories you were wanting to write. You might even end up developing a human interest column or magazine series in a local publication.

[regentrude]

First of all, it sounds like all the traveling isn't really what you love. So I'd critically examine whether this is really the life you are craving. Some people love a nomadic life, other don't do well with it.

You can absolutely volunteer, even if you will be gone for a few weeks every once in a  while. Cook for the homeless shelter, read to patients at the hospital, offer story hours at the library, do clean-up events in the local park  - there are many options that do not require a regular scheduled commitment.

You can sing in choir even if you are absent for the performance, as long as your choir director knows and can plan. If singing gives you joy, why not?

Community theater productions usually have rehearsals for a few weeks, then performances -and then long gaps. perhaps you can find a group that works with your travel schedule.

You could join a gym or take an exercise class. Many classes are only a few weeks long.

I am part of several groups that get together infrequently. Our book club meets once a month, but not everyone can make it every time. Our women's group does quarterly retreats. With many of my author friends, we see each other every few months at reading events. Even with my close friends here on campus, a month can go by before we get a chance to hang out, and most people are gone for the entire summer.

And don't forget virtual connections!  I am part of a writing group that meets several times a week on Zoom; some folks show up only once a week, some several times, others are absent for months because of other obligations. I am part of a moms group that formed as a due-date-email-list in 1997 - a few dozen are still in touch through a facebook group 25 years later.

[Beth S]

If you're a book-lover, there is usually a Friends of the Library group at most public libraries.
Ours has a large public book sale every six months.
Volunteers can come any week to help sort the donated books, and then the week before the sale to setup.
Easy way to connect/network with the community.

I keep in touch with friends who have moved away with texts, and Marco Polo, remembering their birthdays, Christmas, or when something happens that reminds me of them.  Random, no strings, virtual, but very enjoyable.

But 100% agreeing with the PP about the disadvantages inherent to your nomadic schedule.
There are positives and negatives to EVERYTHING.   😉

I love coming to the Hive to learn about others' perspectives and lives.  Wishing you well.

Edited September 26, 2022 by Beth S

[regentrude]

@TexasProud: in the other thread, I just read that you said 

Quote

 I don’t really care about traveling

So why are you doing so much of it that it interferes with the life you would like to have? 

[fairfarmhand]

I have good friends that I only see every now and then in person. We stay connected through phone calls and texts.

WE have Bible study members who only show up about half the time. They are welcome and give input on the discussion even though they miss the in between stuff. 

You seem to view things as very all or nothing. You must attend all the stuff or you can't participate at all. You must have friends that you see every week or every other week or you won't be good friends.  (Honestly, most of my friends have hectic seasons because I have hectic seasons too and they're understanding when I have to cancel a few weeks in a row. It's called life happens. We just put each other on our head sets and chat while we clean house and fold laundry) 

It would probably be good for you to jump into things without an end goal in mind and just see what happens and make the best of how life comes at you. It does take effort to stay in touch wiht friends you dont see often and it does take intentionality to show up to a Bible study or club group when you've missed a few weeks, but honestly, it's better than nothing. 

[TexasProud]

goodbye

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

On 9/26/2022 at 7:29 AM, Bambam said:

 

nmd

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

nm

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[Bambam]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Can't start today. Had to go with hubby to doctor in Dallas.  Also, leaving Wednesday to take him to Houston and spend the night and take him to the airport Thursday morning and then drive back home.  But after that I will be back.   Also, I have a ton of doctor appointments this month which I really, really need to go to since I shoved most of them off because they got canceled for mom emergencies.  But yes, Friday, I will look at some of those. But I may not be able to do it the same day every week. 

I think doing something on the same day every week just increases your chance of connecting to folks. But rotates days works too. You find what works for you, and then you do that!

[TexasProud]

On 9/26/2022 at 7:56 AM, marbel said:

I'm just pulling out this little bit here as it stood out to me. 

Do you want to go to your MIL's for Christmas? Or do you feel you have to?

 

nm

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

21 hours ago, Jaybee said:

This is a good idea. When my ds interviewed an older man a year or so ago for something (can't remember details now), he commented that the man seemed to appreciate his interest so much, and thanked ds for asking him the questions. So many older people feel forgotten and unknown after often leading very interesting lives. To be heard and known means a lot to them. This might not be what you have in mind, as in a larger group of people meeting regularly, but you could make it something more regular. Then you could turn these into your stories you were wanting to write. You might even end up developing a human interest column or magazine series in a local publication.

I am definitely doing this.  It is what I already was doing, but I will do it even more.  This wasn't a profile piece, but more of a musing on someone's life. I changed details so he/she wouldn't be identified. But yeah I love this idea. 

 

 

 

Edited September 27, 2022 by TexasProud

[Eos]

While traveling: start a blog?  Include your writing and links to music you're singing, info about places you're going.  Interviews like the one you just posted!

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

 

You seem to view things as very all or nothing. You must attend all the stuff or you can't participate at all. You must have friends that you see every week or every other week or you won't be good friends.  (Honestly, most of my friends have hectic seasons because I have hectic seasons too and they're understanding when I have to cancel a few weeks in a row. It's called life happens. We just put each other on our head sets and chat while we clean house and fold laundry) 

 

See my friends are all really busy. The are sponsors in youth group, kids in competition dance, or they are teachers and also have kids in activities after school.  They don't chat on the phone. 

[TexasProud]

On 9/26/2022 at 1:22 PM, Eos said:

 

nm

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[Eos]

Just now, TexasProud said:

I am doing that. Been doing it since summer of 2020.  I have 150 pieces on there. 

Oh gosh, I had no idea!  That is amazing.

[TexasProud]

On 9/26/2022 at 1:24 PM, Eos said:

Oh gosh, I had no idea!  That is amazing.

nm

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[Frances]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Can't start today. Had to go with hubby to doctor in Dallas.  Also, leaving Wednesday to take him to Houston and spend the night and take him to the airport Thursday morning and then drive back home.  But after that I will be back.   Also, I have a ton of doctor appointments this month which I really, really need to go to since I shoved most of them off because they got canceled for mom emergencies.  But yes, Friday, I will look at some of those. But I may not be able to do it the same day every week. 

A local one  just found out about that is also National, is supporting foster children and families fostering. You can either choose to be a mentor to a child in foster care (you could connect virtually when you are traveling) or forming a group to support a foster family. The latter depends on the specific needs and interests of the foster family, but the goal is to build relationships with the family and help prevent them from burning out. It can include care packages, meals, gift certificates for outings, visits, babysitting, etc. So for the latter, you would not only be bonding with the members of your group, but also with the family and when you are out of town due to travel, the other group members could still assist the family.

[fairfarmhand]

50 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

See my friends are all really busy. The are sponsors in youth group, kids in competition dance, or they are teachers and also have kids in activities after school.  They don't chat on the phone. 

So are my friends. We’re al busy. Sometimes we start the call with “I have excatly 10 minutes…” We have Bluetooth headsets and we chat while we drive or clean or cook. 

[TexasProud]

On 9/26/2022 at 2:14 PM, fairfarmhand said:

So are my friends. We’re al busy. Sometimes we start the call with “I have excatly 10 minutes…” We have Bluetooth headsets and we chat while we drive or clean or cook. 

nm

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Frances said:

A local one  just found out about that is also National, is supporting foster children and families fostering. You can either choose to be a mentor to a child in foster care (you could connect virtually when you are traveling) or forming a group to support a foster family. The latter depends on the specific needs and interests of the foster family, but the goal is to build relationships with the family and help prevent them from burning out. It can include care packages, meals, gift certificates for outings, visits, babysitting, etc. So for the latter, you would not only be bonding with the members of your group, but also with the family and when you are out of town due to travel, the other group members could still assist the family.

Interesting

[fairfarmhand]

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I guess I am not even sure how that would work.  I haven't called anyone on the phone to just chat ( other than children) since I was a teenager ( Well, other than to talk to them about some responsibility in whatever activity I was in). As I said, I saw these people at activities. I did not see them outside of the activity at all. We had a SS party at our house once and a choir party once at our house, but other than that, no one has been over. I always wanted to have people over, but they worked, couldn't find the time. I was taking care of my dad, etc.Couples as well. Hubby was home too late each day. 

That said, the Bible study this time is Find Your People..  which I listened to and got really depressed.  That is what I want. And last spring with mom, I had no way to get it. Maybe now I can.  

We are doing that Bible study and I hate it. Didn't make me depressed just frustrated.

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

We are doing that Bible study and I hate it. Didn't make me depressed just frustrated.

Why frustrated? What she describes in the book is EXACTLY what I want. 

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Why frustrated? What she describes in the book is EXACTLY what I want. 

Yes, I get that. 

For me, it seemed so shallow.

But since you like it, I'll bite. The first chapter is titled "The Disruption of Community." And she talks about how our world is not structured to give us deep friendships. We're all so "busy." However, you list all the stuff that you're busy with and you don't seem happy with those decisions to be busy.

So Don't.

Nobody can force you to travel so much. If you don't want to do that, if you want to work on your own little community, then do that. 

The thing about being an adult is that we can't have everything all at the same time. We can't travel the world 9 months out of the year and have a community where we're living. You don't seem okay with that. I would hate all that travel and how it would affect my sense of community, but some people enjoy that. 

If you decide to stay put and focus on developing relationships, then you will have to take the initiative. This means that you will probably be rejected sometimes. Some people aren't in the position to develop new friendships. Okay. That's fine. You have to move on and approach others. Invite people out to coffee, attend events together. Send texts two or three times a week, How's your week going? etc.

One thing she mentions in this book is that you have to be willing to put yourself out there and sometimes that means that you won't click with someone or they won't click with you. And it's NOT PERSONAL most of the time. 

Once you have developed those friendships, you will find that you may be able to go several weeks without seeing that person and just calling or texting. 

[TexasProud]

18 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Yes, I get that. 

For me, it seemed so shallow.

But since you like it, I'll bite. The first chapter is titled "The Disruption of Community." And she talks about how our world is not structured to give us deep friendships. We're all so "busy." However, you list all the stuff that you're busy with and you don't seem happy with those decisions to be busy.

So Don't.

Nobody can force you to travel so much. If you don't want to do that, if you want to work on your own little community, then do that. 

The thing about being an adult is that we can't have everything all at the same time. We can't travel the world 9 months out of the year and have a community where we're living. You don't seem okay with that. I would hate all that travel and how it would affect my sense of community, but some people enjoy that. 

If you decide to stay put and focus on developing relationships, then you will have to take the initiative. This means that you will probably be rejected sometimes. Some people aren't in the position to develop new friendships. Okay. That's fine. You have to move on and approach others. Invite people out to coffee, attend events together. Send texts two or three times a week, How's your week going? etc.

One thing she mentions in this book is that you have to be willing to put yourself out there and sometimes that means that you won't click with someone or they won't click with you. And it's NOT PERSONAL most of the time. 

Once you have developed those friendships, you will find that you may be able to go several weeks without seeing that person and just calling or texting. 

Honestly, I am ok with shallow for now. Seminary made the Bible something to be mastered, projects to be done: so many maps, In depth charts on many books including Leviticus, so many theological papers and doctrinal statements that had 15 pages of footnotes to back up what I said was theologically true. And with mom...  You know after I graduated this summer, I spent the summer reading all of the Kate Camillo books.  I needed something simple.

It is my fault that my husband had to retire from practice. Just accept my word for that. Physically, he cannot handle the lack of sleep and stress that his job causes anymore if he were to work in the states.  He does fine overseas where it is much less stressful, sort of...different stresses, but they don't expect you to be on call so much. Plus he does it for a week to 5 weeks or so at a time and then rests before his next one.  I enjoy the one in Central America.  We are president of the organization and have been doing it for 10 years now ( took over from the other man who did it for 15).  I don't know about Africa because I haven't gotten to go. Part of what I am nervous about.  But I  owe it to him to go with him. He won't go without me and he has to so he can keep up his skills.  He cannot do locum tenems because he has been out of private practice too long. ( And there wasn't any available 2020/2021 in his field because of Covid)  I know in maybe 5 years or so, he will give it up. But it is enough of a blow to give up private practice.  I will not do that to him. And I enjoy mission work. I am just so worn out after the last year going back and forth with my mom. 

I do have people I text with it isn't the same.  I do have a friend that I started a MOPS group with, homeschooled our kids together, then did the private school things, in orchestra stuff together. Yeah, we text a lot. Not the same. We have cancelled 10 or more lunch dates this year because of my mom: I was rushing to Arlington, in the ER, etc.   I have another group of 4 that we used to meet weekly for prayer and yes we still did it over text, not the same.  I found out from my daughter that they tried to throw me a surprise graduation party ( They had to cancel it because I was at my mom and step dad's taking care of them when they got Covid from who knows where.) Then they tried to throw me a surprise birthday party ( Which got cancelled again because you remember my whiny post about being in the hospital with my mom on my birthday and her not acknowledging it.) My daughter told me not to tell them I knew, but she wanted me to know my friends hadn't forgotten me.  

But texting doesn't do it for me. Zoom doesn't do it for me. 

[livetoread]

22 hours ago, regentrude said:

I am part of a moms group that formed as a due-date-email-list in 1997 - a few dozen are still in touch through a facebook group 25 years later.

I joined one of these for both of my kids. The one for my daughter petered out after a couple of years, but the one for my son is still going strong (also now on Facebook), 24 years later. We have been through so much together. So glad I decided to join while pregnant.

[ktgrok]

19 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, it just doesn't happen.  We were so close to our Sunday School class in OKC when we were there in residency. We never talked to any of them again.  My friends from church and I texted some, but it just isn't the same. And they have SO SO SO many activities: one with three kids in dance, tons of youth activities, etc.   Even the ones recently from seminary that I thought we would keep in touch...yeah, hasn't happened. 

So....maybe what needs to be accepted is that some friendships are for a period of time, not forever, and that is okay. It doesn't mean they were not important at the time. It doesn't make them not true friendship. It's just that people drifted apart - and that's okay. 

If you go are feeling defeated about. making new friends because past friendships didn't last forever, maybe taking that pressure off might help?

18 hours ago, TexasProud said:

See my friends are all really busy. The are sponsors in youth group, kids in competition dance, or they are teachers and also have kids in activities after school.  They don't chat on the phone. 

Are you on social media? I keep up with my  friends via Facebook, pretty much exclusively. 

16 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I guess I am not even sure how that would work.  I haven't called anyone on the phone to just chat ( other than children) since I was a teenager ( Well, other than to talk to them about some responsibility in whatever activity I was in). As I said, I saw these people at activities. I did not see them outside of the activity at all. We had a SS party at our house once and a choir party once at our house, but other than that, no one has been over. I always wanted to have people over, but they worked, couldn't find the time. I was taking care of my dad, etc.Couples as well. Hubby was home too late each day. 
 

Ugh, yeah, I hear you! I haven't just called someone up to chat in my adult life! I can't even imagine doing so. But I message people on facebook messenger, lol! So I have no advice on the phone call thing - we joke that I don't juse my phone for that - it's just a fancy book that I can order groceries from. 

That said, I think you are using what happened in the past to keep you from doing what is possible in the future. Want to have people over? Just do it! This is the holiday season coming up, so plenty of opportunities to have people over to craft, or decorate cookies together, or just enjoy some holiday yummy treats! Maybe invite people over for a "Fall Friendship Tea" or something? 

And truly being missing for a month won't be a huge deal - especially if you keep up with these people on social media while you are gone. 

[Bambam]

I have a group of former homeschooling friends that our kids are all basically the same age, were in many of the same activities, so we got to know each other waiting for our kids, park day, etc. I try to set up a lunch every 2-3 months so we can get together and chat. We aren't as close as we used to be - our interests/activities have greatly changed (only one mom still has kids at home) - but we still enjoy getting together.  Not everyone makes it every time. Some might make one a year because they are busy. Sometimes there are seven of us, sometimes three. It's fine. We do what we can to maintain friendships. Several of the ladies now work, some full time, so they can't always make it. 

If you don't want to invite folks into your home (which is scary for some), then set up a brunch or lunch or dinner or just coffee/dessert. Some will make it, some will not. And it usually isn't personal. It's just something else comes up. 

But I do think for a longer term/deeper friendship, you have to do more work. Sometimes you have to be the one to initiate contact and set up events (coffee, hike, lunch, whatever works for you). 

And I do agree with trying to keep up with folks even if you aren't close. I had a friend, since passed, who used to send random texts - Happy New Year's, Happy Birthday, and just random happy texts. She was very good at that. I'm not that good at that! But if I see an article that I think might interest you, I will send this (not often, because otherwise people think you are weird!).  Stuff like that. 

[TexasProud]

3 hours ago, ktgrok said:

 

Are you on social media? I keep up with my  friends via Facebook, pretty much exclusively. 

 

Yeah, that started to feel really detrimental.  I saw them participating in all the activities I normally would have done if not for mom.  The last time I watched online church, I started to get upset because everyone was gathering in little groups to pray and praying from home by yourself just isn't the same.  I found myself starting to get resentful about all of the fun my friends were having, so I really cut back on social media other than publishing my writing stuff. 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

But I do think for a longer term/deeper friendship, you have to do more work. Sometimes you have to be the one to initiate contact and set up events (coffee, hike, lunch, whatever works for you). 
 

Yes, I know that and I did it all the time before Covid.  Then, I just couldn't justify my health at first because no one wore masks.  Then when I was vaccinated I still couldn't and risk my mom.  And like I mentioned I have several friends that I texted and would get together but had to cancel over the last several months because of mom. 
 

[TexasProud]

Ok, so here is the update for next week:

Saturday- Ladies ministry is having brownie and bunco afternoon.  
Sunday- church and i am getting to sing in praise team!!!! evening ladies Bible study
Monday- self defense class I might go to.
Tuesday - texted my friend and we are having lunch, Tuesday night there is a dance workout class at church that one of my fellow praise team members has started
Wednesday- I GET TO GO TO WEDNESDAY NIGHT MEAL AND CHOIR!!!  Whoo hoo!

I have texted my other close friend and we have texted the whole time during this thing and she has been most supportive.  We went walking last Sunday evening and I just offered to be her walking buddy as she is trying to walk 6 days a week, so we will try to do that.

Will work on volunteering opportunities on Friday when I get back in town. Don't have time until then.  Praying this all works out.  I have been hopeful like this before but something has happened. Hopefully we won't get in a car wreck, hubby's plane won't crash, an adult child won't have a crisis.  I am starting to hope, but I have been there before only to have the rug pulled out from me. So we will see. 

[fairfarmhand]

14 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, so here is the update for next week:

Saturday- Ladies ministry is having brownie and bunco afternoon.  
Sunday- church and i am getting to sing in praise team!!!! evening ladies Bible study
Monday- self defense class I might go to.
Tuesday - texted my friend and we are having lunch, Tuesday night there is a dance workout class at church that one of my fellow praise team members has started
Wednesday- I GET TO GO TO WEDNESDAY NIGHT MEAL AND CHOIR!!!  Whoo hoo!

I have texted my other close friend and we have texted the whole time during this thing and she has been most supportive.  We went walking last Sunday evening and I just offered to be her walking buddy as she is trying to walk 6 days a week, so we will try to do that.

Will work on volunteering opportunities on Friday when I get back in town. Don't have time until then.  Praying this all works out.  I have been hopeful like this before but something has happened. Hopefully we won't get in a car wreck, hubby's plane won't crash, an adult child won't have a crisis.  I am starting to hope, but I have been there before only to have the rug pulled out from me. So we will see. 

Good!

Walking buddy is an excellent way to get close friendships.

One thing to consider--you have a lot of group activities in there. That's great. But if you want deep friendships, then you may want to eyeball 2 or 3 people in some of those group settings and try to exchange phone numbers and say, "Want to get coffee one afternoon next week?"

Honestly, you will get some women who say "That sounds GREAT!" but then never are able to work it into their schedule. And that's fine. We live in a culture that wears busyness as a badge. Remember, it's not personal. But don't let that stop you from moving on to the next person and asking them.  It may take many attempts to find someone who clicks with you, who's availability works with your life. 

[TexasProud]

On 9/27/2022 at 11:58 AM, fairfarmhand said:

 

Walking buddy is an excellent way to get close friendships.

 

nevermind

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[ktgrok]

7 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, so here is the update for next week:

Saturday- Ladies ministry is having brownie and bunco afternoon.  
Sunday- church and i am getting to sing in praise team!!!! evening ladies Bible study
Monday- self defense class I might go to.
Tuesday - texted my friend and we are having lunch, Tuesday night there is a dance workout class at church that one of my fellow praise team members has started
Wednesday- I GET TO GO TO WEDNESDAY NIGHT MEAL AND CHOIR!!!  Whoo hoo!

I have texted my other close friend and we have texted the whole time during this thing and she has been most supportive.  We went walking last Sunday evening and I just offered to be her walking buddy as she is trying to walk 6 days a week, so we will try to do that.

Will work on volunteering opportunities on Friday when I get back in town. Don't have time until then.  Praying this all works out.  I have been hopeful like this before but something has happened. Hopefully we won't get in a car wreck, hubby's plane won't crash, an adult child won't have a crisis.  I am starting to hope, but I have been there before only to have the rug pulled out from me. So we will see. 

Hugs. I really relate a lot to this - I've just in the past few months started to re integrate with some friends and activities and didn't realize how isolated I'd gotten until I did. I'll pray your week goes to plan!

[Momof4sweetkids]

On 9/26/2022 at 11:09 AM, TexasProud said:

Yeah, it just doesn't happen.  We were so close to our Sunday School class in OKC when we were there in residency. We never talked to any of them again.  My friends from church and I texted some, but it just isn't the same. And they have SO SO SO many activities: one with three kids in dance, tons of youth activities, etc.   Even the ones recently from seminary that I thought we would keep in touch...yeah, hasn't happened. 

If it helps, I am the same way. Have close friends when we are in the same activities/church groups but when those things end, I don't know how to keep in touch through technology well.

[Scarlett]

On 9/26/2022 at 4:33 PM, TexasProud said:

It is my fault that my husband had to retire from practice. Just accept my word for that. Physically, he cannot handle the lack of sleep and stress that his job causes anymore if he were to work in the states.  He does fine overseas where it is much less stressful, sort of...different stresses, but they don't expect you to be on call so much. Plus he does it for a week to 5 weeks or so at a time and then rests before his next one.  I enjoy the one in Central America.  We are president of the organization and have been doing it for 10 years now ( took over from the other man who did it for 15).  I don't know about Africa because I haven't gotten to go. Part of what I am nervous about.  But I  owe it to him to go with him. He won't go without me and he has to so he can keep up his skills.  He cannot do locum tenems because he has been out of private practice too long. ( And there wasn't any available 2020/2021 in his field because of Covid)  I know in maybe 5 years or so, he will give it up. But it is enough of a blow to give up private practice.  I will not do that to him. And I enjoy mission work. I am just so worn out after the last year going back and forth with my mom. 

 

Nope. Not gonna accept your word on that because it is absolutely not true.  I am gonna call you on it every time you claim it.  
 

If the two of you ‘enjoy mission work’, then great.  But doing mission work that exhausts you and keeps you from community and family doesn’t sound all that enjoyable.  And the whole ‘keeping up his skills thing’……I mean why? So he can continue in mission work that exhausts you and keeps you from community?

[TexasProud]

nevermind

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[Frances]

Gently, I think you have a life that most people would envy with a loving, great marriage, significant financial resources, and adult children who have successfully launched for the most part. You’ve just been through a traumatic period with your mom’s illness and death, but such things are part of life. You need to give yourself time and space to grieve and recover. It sounds like you are on the right track with lots of plans for connection and others have given you lots of good suggestions. I wish you all the best.

[Tina]

Dh and I made lots of good friends when one couple led marriage classes of 6-8 weeks long each year.  We ended up with 8-10 couples when we met, and we go out to dinner or play cards with several of the couples here or there.  They led different classes 3 or 4 years, so we got to know each other well.  It was a good way for us to have friends in common!

Figuring out what life without caretaking the last several years is new here, too.  A whole new adventure to plan!

 

Edited September 28, 2022 by Tina

[TexasProud]

22 hours ago, Frances said:

Gently, I think you have a life that most people would envy with a loving, great marriage, significant financial resources, and adult children who have successfully launched for the most part. You’ve just been through a traumatic period with your mom’s illness and death, but such things are part of life. You need to give yourself time and space to grieve and recover. It sounds like you are on the right track with lots of plans for connection and others have given you lots of good suggestions. I wish you all the best.

nevermind, hopeless

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[ktgrok]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I know many other people have it worse, but that is one thing I told my spiritual director is that I just don't feel safe.  I used to have a much more positive look on life, maybe too positive.  I would like to feel peaceful again. Hopeful. Instead, I wait for the next shoe to drop. None of us are ever really safe. 

 

I can really relate to this. 

Edited September 29, 2022 by ktgrok

[Clarita]

On 9/26/2022 at 3:46 AM, TexasProud said:

So, I have no clue what I should be doing. I do not know how to develop deep friendships traveling so much. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I can write, but I don't know if I want to or for whom or why. I am not sure how to plan or create goals or what to do... I mean I could volunteer somewhere, but would they take me for a month her and a month 5 months later. I can't really join an activity because I won't be home. I feel adrift and lost with no anchor.

If this helps you are already a grown up. I don't think all grown up adults have a massive all encompassing thing that they do or are in life. I guess some people do with their jobs/careers but I don't really think that's totally healthy and great. 

With everything that's happened and you've been dealing with in the past few years(?) it's OK to have a break and not any encompassing engagements. Just put one foot in front of the other. Someone (who's been through some third world country, genocide bad stuff) once told me "I always eat ice cream first because you never know what is going to happen." Someday the next bad thing is going to happen that you can't foresee or prepare for. So eat ice cream first, make it a priority to attempt do something enjoyable everyday. Go do any or all of the things you've thrown out there, forget what is going to happen next week, next month or next year. 

[KungFuPanda]

It sounds overly simple, but what about a book club? A plain, secular, fun book club. Nothing spiritual or important, or noble. Nothing like family fun or Bible study, or a missions vacation. Nothing with a greater purpose or a booklist aimed at self-improvement. What if you find a group of women, who may be nothing like you, but who will make time for self-care and building friendships through shared experiences. You read, talk, laugh, and get to know each other bit by bit. My deepest friendships are with women who are wildly different from me in almost every way, but they have genuine hearts and understand the value, and long-term rewards, of cultivating these relationships. They built gradually on the foundation of a shared interest with regular meeting times. 

[TexasProud]

8 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

It sounds overly simple, but what about a book club? A plain, secular, fun book club. Nothing spiritual or important, or noble. Nothing like family fun or Bible study, or a missions vacation. Nothing with a greater purpose or a booklist aimed at self-improvement. What if you find a group of women, who may be nothing like you, but who will make time for self-care and building friendships through shared experiences. You read, talk, laugh, and get to know each other bit by bit. My deepest friendships are with women who are wildly different from me in almost every way, but they have genuine hearts and understand the value, and long-term rewards, of cultivating these relationships. They built gradually on the foundation of a shared interest with regular meeting times. 

Not sure where I would even find this and so completely foreign to me. 

[Rosie_0801]

13 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I know many other people have it worse, but that is one thing I told my spiritual director is that I just don't feel safe.  I used to have a much more positive look on life, maybe too positive.  I would like to feel peaceful again. Hopeful. Instead, I wait for the next shoe to drop. None of us are ever really safe. 

For the most part, I feel safe because I know I can survive stuff. I trust the practice I've had...

[marbel]

39 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Not sure where I would even find this and so completely foreign to me. 

I've seen book clubs at public libraries and bookstores. 

I'm curious what is so foreign about the idea to you? If you care to answer, of course you don't have to.