Updates 2023 (job hunt etc)

[Harriet Vane]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Well, I hope for her sake she doesn't get knocked up, so she can make a clean break when she's done.

😆

[heartlikealion]

My girlfriend was already asking me when I'm going to meet her as it's important to be on good terms with a woman that will be with your kids. I just can't even get my brain there yet. I said uh I'll think about that if she actually moves to my state. 

Honestly, although I know very little about her, I don't feel like "this is a bad person." I just think, "when did you two start talking?" Which obviously doesn't matter now. But one can wonder. 

Then I got put in that stupid "you should date" conversation where they don't let up. Forgive me for not caring as much about my dating life as you??? lol 

[Rosie_0801]

21 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

My girlfriend was already asking me when I'm going to meet her as it's important to be on good terms with a woman that will be with your kids. I just can't even get my brain there yet. I said uh I'll think about that if she actually moves to my state. 

You may not have a choice in that anyway. There's nothing wrong with neutrality. Sometimes that's the best one can do. How friendly can you possibly be with your enemy's ally? I intended to be on good terms with my dd's stepmother, but that wasn't permitted.

How you're going to respond to your kids if they start complaining about her is more important. 

[heartlikealion]

46 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

You may not have a choice in that anyway. There's nothing wrong with neutrality. Sometimes that's the best one can do. How friendly can you possibly be with your enemy's ally? I intended to be on good terms with my dd's stepmother, but that wasn't permitted.

How you're going to respond to your kids if they start complaining about her is more important. 

I guess I’ll try to be diplomatic (“that sounds hard, I’m sorry”) and let them know they have a safe space here. I don’t think there’s really any way we could be friends because she’s probably heard awful things about me. 

[Shoeless]

8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I guess I’ll try to be diplomatic (“that sounds hard, I’m sorry”) and let them know they have a safe space here. I don’t think there’s really any way we could be friends because she’s probably heard awful things about me. 

Imagine the cognitive dissonance when she meets you and realizes you aren't awful.

[heartlikealion]

6 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Imagine the cognitive dissonance when she meets you and realizes you aren't awful.

it’s possible but I don’t hold my breath. My son thinks I’m a monster. 

[heartlikealion]

I will be very amused if she is Catholic because that might make things easier on me with the children’s religious upbringing. The only reason I would even suspect she might be Catholic is because it’s very common in Hispanic communities and we’re both Hispanic 

[Shoeless]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

I will be very amused if she is Catholic because that might make things easier on me with the children’s religious upbringing. The only reason I would even suspect she might be Catholic is because it’s very common in Hispanic communities and we’re both Hispanic 

For some reason, I was positive you were from India. I have no idea why! 

[Rosie_0801]

19 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Imagine the cognitive dissonance when she meets you and realizes you aren't awful.

Maybe they won't. It's not in his interest to allow them to meet. 
They really aren't each other's business, anyway.

It's poor strategy for him to repartner before his son leaves home. I hope it bites him on the butt.

[heartlikealion]

20 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

For some reason, I was positive you were from India. I have no idea why! 

I just have dark hair, if you’ve seen my YouTube links. Otherwise I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ lol 

[heartlikealion]

14 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Maybe they won't. It's not in his interest to allow them to meet. 
They really aren't each other's business, anyway.

It's poor strategy for him to repartner before his son leaves home. I hope it bites him on the butt.

Since ds is only in 9th grade I don’t know if I’d expect Xh to wait that long (he’d probably remain living there for community college, too). However, this whole thing sounds nuts to me. Minus the part where I know he can turn up the charm, mirror, love bomb etc. so probably swept her off her feet somehow. 

Yeah that’s actually kinda how I felt — like what’s the point in meeting? How does that actually change anything? I’m not going to warn her of anything. She’ll have to find out the hard way. He won’t have time for her between his job and returning to school in the spring. 

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, MissLemon said:

For some reason, I was positive you were from India. I have no idea why! 

That’s funny, for some reason I imagined her with medium brown hair and white skin.  

[heartlikealion]

I’m from the US. My mom was of Mexican descent and dad is white. But because of the stigma/fear at the time, my bilingual grandparents on her side chose not to pass Spanish on. My grandfather hid his nationality at his job. It was a different time. So, I’m basically a gringa. I studied Spanish for years but it didn’t stick (Pimsleur, high school & college courses, Michel Thomas, Duolingo). My skin used to be darker when I was younger. I’m relatively fair skinned and my hair is almost jet black. 

[Jaybee]

7 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Then I got put in that stupid "you should date" conversation where they don't let up. Forgive me for not caring as much about my dating life as you??? lol 

I don't understand the rush for this (in general). I mean, I know there is definitely loneliness, etc. And I'm certainly not against someone finding happiness! But when you are still traumatized and trying to work through the effects of a previous relationship, it sure doesn't seem the healthiest thing in the world to "move on" right away. Otherwise, it seems like you'd just be complicating an already very complicated situation even more by maybe bringing unresolved toxicity into the new relationship. 

[fairfarmhand]

6 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

it’s possible but I don’t hold my breath. My son thinks I’m a monster. 

Right now, so does my 17 yo. 🤷🏽‍♀️ What can you do?

this situation is going to get even more complicated fr your kids and I hate that for you and for them. 
 

 

[heartlikealion]

7 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

I don't understand the rush for this (in general). I mean, I know there is definitely loneliness, etc. And I'm certainly not against someone finding happiness! But when you are still traumatized and trying to work through the effects of a previous relationship, it sure doesn't seem the healthiest thing in the world to "move on" right away. Otherwise, it seems like you'd just be complicating an already very complicated situation even more by maybe bringing unresolved toxicity into the new relationship. 

No one seems to respect my desire to have the annulment complete. Don’t want an annulment? Don’t believe in them? Fine. But don’t chastise me. This weekend I submitted part of my needed info. The church where I was baptized is getting my records (apparently that church updates theirs to reflect all the sacraments on the certificate). 

I know it sounds stupid in this society but because I’m still seen as married, dating would be considered adultery. 

On top of that I’m still settling into my new home, healing from an injury, working on fitness goals, my job, etc. I literally told a well-meaning friend last night that they are assuming I’m unhappy or super lonely. 

I’m sure more time & healing is good but I do feel I’ve completed a lot of it, thankfully. I went through the Leslie Vernick Conquer course over several months (I think basically a year) during the separation. I paid $27/mo to access the materials and be in their secret Facebook group. I did a group therapy course over about 12 weeks that overlapped our divorce settlement. And I’ve done individual therapy and attended several sessions for parents of kids that deal with things like depression. 

Since money is so tight I work side gigs when I can. Labor Day weekend I was house/dog sitting the whole time. 

[heartlikealion]

That comment above about "no one seems to respect" was in reference to people off the forum 

[Jaybee]

43 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

No one seems to respect my desire to have the annulment complete. Don’t want an annulment? Don’t believe in them? Fine. But don’t chastise me. This weekend I submitted part of my needed info. The church where I was baptized is getting my records (apparently that church updates theirs to reflect all the sacraments on the certificate). 

I know it sounds stupid in this society but because I’m still seen as married, dating would be considered adultery. 

On top of that I’m still settling into my new home, healing from an injury, working on fitness goals, my job, etc. I literally told a well-meaning friend last night that they are assuming I’m unhappy or super lonely. 

I’m sure more time & healing is good but I do feel I’ve completed a lot of it, thankfully. I went through the Leslie Vernick Conquer course over several months (I think basically a year) during the separation. I paid $27/mo to access the materials and be in their secret Facebook group. I did a group therapy course over about 12 weeks that overlapped our divorce settlement. And I’ve done individual therapy and attended several sessions for parents of kids that deal with things like depression. 

Since money is so tight I work side gigs when I can. Labor Day weekend I was house/dog sitting the whole time. 

Makes perfect sense to me! Your work toward health (in all areas) is great for you, and it takes time and energy. I'd hate to see you short-shrift that to get into a relationship, when in the long term, the health in all these areas will carry over in a relationship. Looking at the long-term, rather than the short-term. 

[elegantlion]

56 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

No one seems to respect my desire to have the annulment complete. Don’t want an annulment? Don’t believe in them? Fine. But don’t chastise me. This weekend I submitted part of my needed info. The church where I was baptized is getting my records (apparently that church updates theirs to reflect all the sacraments on the certificate). 

I know it sounds stupid in this society but because I’m still seen as married, dating would be considered adultery. 

On top of that I’m still settling into my new home, healing from an injury, working on fitness goals, my job, etc. I literally told a well-meaning friend last night that they are assuming I’m unhappy or super lonely. 

 

I've been reading along with this thread and want to send you some hugs. I agree with not wanting to date while you're waiting for the annulment. I left a controlling marriage and while I wanted to start dating again, I knew it wasn't the right time for me for a long while. 

I'll throw out a couple of the things I did that helped. 

• I would not start dating until I figured how who I was. My ex was controlling and my behavior/beliefs/fears were reflective of that. I needed time to solidify myself - to figure out which parts were really me and which parts were just conditioned responses to trauma. 
• I didn't want to date because I didn't want to fall into the same pitfalls of my previous relationship. I hadn't dated in 20 years. I didn't want to play the dating games of where do you want to eat, what's your favorite color, are we going to kiss on the first date, when do I tell them about my son. Etc. 
• The circles I ran in at the time had limited opportunity to get to know single men my age. 

The longer time passed, I realized: 

• I wanted to start a relationship from a friendship first, not jump into dating. 
• I had trust issues. I needed to check out a person in the friend role before I considered them for anything else. 
• I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship again. If so, I wanted it on my terms.
• I wanted someone honest and financial stable (opposite of my previous relationship). I needed to prove to myself that I could be financially stable myself - I found I could. I think honesty and stability are two things you can't really pick up on a first date. 
• I certainly didn't want someone who couldn't be real with me - like taking you places they can't really afford, telling you things for ulterior motives. 
• I wanted someone who would listen to me, try to understand me, and not treat me like some prize to be won. Ex would buy me flowers thinking he was doing some grand romantic gesture. I don't like cut flowers - they're expensive, they die, the cat would try to eat them. I used to tell him to buy me a book instead. He continued to buy me flowers. 

As more time passed, I had developed a working relationship/friendship with someone. As I started to consider dating again, I realized he was everything on my list. I didn't tell him for a few years because I needed a friend - not a relationship to manage (or destroy). Now, we're in a relationship. He buys me books and chocolate.

All that to say, you don't need to start dating until YOU are ready to do so. If anyone presumes, just tell them you're not ready for that. Simple. You deserve time for YOU. 

 

[Jaybee]

@elegantlion, yes! Those are the kinds of things I was thinking about above. It seems that if a person does that work of learning who they really are and what they really want, they will be much happier as a single or as a married person. Many people don't want to do the work, and just blame it all on the person they were married to or in a relationship with (which, granted, certainly plays a part). So they assume if they just find a different person, everything will be roses. ( @heartlikealion's xh, looking at you!) So often, history repeats itself because they have never done the work of time, self-examination, learning, etc. 

[heartlikealion]

I got some answers and my hunch was right. He won’t use yes/no answers to direct questions but it’s clear the plan is for her to move in once she sells her home. He has seen her face to face many times… so I wouldn’t be surprised if they were talking before our May divorce was finalized. 

She’s a US citizen so at least green card is off the table as her motivation to get serious with him. I hope she’s not pregnant. It’s so illogical to me. 

[heartlikealion]

I lied lol I updated before things “played out” and I know they could change. But I deduced the moving in thing based on the fact that Zillow has 0 homes for sale in that area and seldom does. Plus the way he answered my questions about moving in together. 

Edited September 6, 2022 by heartlikealion

[bolt.]

I know it's hard (because you two were entwined for so long) but try not to mind his business. Try not to spend your time musing about what he is doing, what he will do, when he might do it, or why either of them might be taking those actions.

Try not to care which milestones their contact began before/after.

Quit doing research.

Your only 'avenue of care' regarding these events is whether and how this new relationship and home setup will be impacting your children. Not that there is anything that you can do about it, but that it might provide some insight into what's going on from your kids' perspective. And you can pray for the situation so that your kids will have minimal damage to their well-being.

(And *for* minimal damage to the kids' wellbeing, you are hoping, genuinely, for this to be a lovely woman, with excellent parenting skills, who is ready to make the parts of their lives that they share with her smooth, predictable, and warm. You want this new relationship to be healthy, low-conflict and satisfying for the two parental figures. BLAH! Talk about praying for the good of your enemies!!! But it's about praying for the good of your children.)

And, no, your teen does not 'think you are a monster'. He is irritated that he still needs his parents, and that he still has to cope with the frustrations of having parents. And if he "has" to have parents in his life, he doesn't really understand why they can't "at least" be perfect parents! (That's a very immature perspective, but it's totally normal for kids that age, under these stresses. Don't let yourself exaggerate the idea of his rejection and misjudgment in your own mind/heart. It's painful enough to be a little rejected and quite misjudged by one's kids when it's proportional and accurate. You don't need to increase your own pain by being inaccurate about it.)

Edited September 6, 2022 by bolt.

[heartlikealion]

14 minutes ago, bolt. said:

I know it's hard (because you two were entwined for so long) but try not to mind his business. Try not to spend your time musing about what he is doing, what he will do, when he might do it, or why either of them might be taking those actions.

Try not to care which milestones their contact began before/after.

Quit doing research.

Your only 'avenue of care' regarding these events is whether and how this new relationship and home setup will be impacting your children. Not that there is anything that you can do about it, but that it might provide some insight into what's going on from your kids' perspective. And you can pray for the situation so that your kids will have minimal damage to their well-being.

(And *for* minimal damage to the kids' wellbeing, you are hoping, genuinely, for this to be a lovely woman, with excellent parenting skills, who is ready to make the parts of their lives that they share with her smooth, predictable, and warm. You want this new relationship to be healthy, low-conflict and satisfying for the two parental figures. BLAH! Talk about praying for the good of your enemies!!! But it's about praying for the good of your children.)

And, no, your teen does not 'think you are a monster'. He is irritated that he still needs his parents, and that he still has to cope with the frustrations of having parents. And if he "has" to have parents in his life, he doesn't really understand why they can't "at least" be perfect parents! (That's a very immature perspective, but it's totally normal for kids that age, under these stresses. Don't let yourself exaggerate the idea of his rejection and misjudgment in your own mind/heart. It's painful enough to be a little rejected and quite misjudged by one's kids when it's proportional and accurate. You don't need to increase your own pain by being inaccurate about it.)

Maybe monster was too harsh but he does genuinely think I didn’t care for him much, leaned on him too much with dd, didn’t do a good job as a homeschool teacher, emotionally abused him… these are all things he has said. If yelling like I did was emotional abuse then I screwed up and I have apologized and tried to discuss things, mend etc but he won’t let me. But he won’t believe dad was ever abusive toward him so there’s an annoying double standard. I can’t go back in time and not yell at my sensitive child with APD. 

He has chosen not to come over this week. That’s fine. 

I mused over it because he said she plans to move there in 1-2 months. Houses in her area sell fast, too. I don’t care if he dares. I care about the idea of her moving in with her kid and pet(s). It’s a huge shift. I don’t particularly care about meeting her. I know dd will tell me if she’s mean. I don’t need to do anything really. 

[fairfarmhand]

4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Maybe monster was too harsh but he does genuinely think I didn’t care for him much, leaned on him too much with dd, didn’t do a good job as a homeschool teacher, emotionally abused him… these are all things he has said. If yelling like I did was emotional abuse then I screwed up and I have apologized and tried to discuss things, mend etc but he won’t let me. But he won’t believe dad was ever abusive toward him so there’s an annoying double standard. I can’t go back in time and not yell at my sensitive child with APD. 

He has chosen not to come over this week. That’s fine. 

I mused over it because he said she plans to move there in 1-2 months. Houses in her area sell fast, too. I don’t care if he dares. I care about the idea of her moving in with her kid and pet(s). It’s a huge shift. I don’t particularly care about meeting her. I know dd will tell me if she’s mean. I don’t need to do anything really. 

My kids have labeled all kinds of normal parenting mistakes as "abuse."  Because I made my dd get up this morning and go to the YMCA and exercise, I'm a bully. Whatever. (My dh did yell out the window at his neighbors when he was in trouble "Child ABUSE!" He was 7 or 8 years old. So I guess it's not new!)

I promise you this. Your kids will understand a bit more of the nuance when they are older. Yes, right now it's totally crappy. But try not to attach too much to what your ds thinks about you at the moment. He's a child. And in the future he maturity will give him perspectives on both of his parents that hopefully are a bit more balanced. But you can't change that.

Do the best you can to make amends while being a stable, loving mom. It looks like your ds will have even more changes in the future to have to deal with. It's not going to be easy, even if she is a wonderful person. Expect your ds to struggle with this and he probably will be even uglier to you.

Expect him to describe how great she is because he may want to wound you. (he's probably watched your dh wound you in similar ways) The best way to deal with that kind of stuff is to say "I'm so glad that you like her. It's good that you can live with someone you like." He's a kid. Kids often say and do hurtful things. Especially kids who have been hurt themselves. (not blaming you at all. We all know that you tried very hard to make things work for your childnen.)

[maize]

Re: dating--some people cannot imagine being happy without a romantic relationship in their life. Me, I think I'd be perfectly fine. If I were to end up widowed or divorced I think I would have very little interest in dating or marrying someone else. I mean, it's not impossible but I just don't see a romantic partner as critical to my happiness and fulfillment as a person. I want there to be people in my life that I have significant relationsips with, but I have siblings and children and will someday have grandchildren. Those are all significant relationships.

[maize]

Teens project all kinds of stuff onto their parents.

There's nothing we can do about that except try to maintain a supportive relationship from our side and hope they grow out of it. Most do. It might take a decade or two.

And most teens, including those with married parents, have one parent they are more negative towards.

Edited September 6, 2022 by maize

[bolt.]

23 minutes ago, maize said:

Teens project all kinds of stuff onto their parents.

There's nothing we can do about that except try to maintain a supportive relationship from our side and hope they grow out of it. Most do. It might take a decade or two.

And most teens, including those with married parents, have one parent they are more negative towards.

Yes, and usually they are more negative towards the parent that was serving them best. The parent that was hands-on was the one requiring them to do things, enacting limits, and providing boundaries and consequences. (The less hands-on parent has fewer of these adverse events on their record.)

The parent that was laying down their life, not meeting their own needs, struggling to find their way, left to figure everything out, etc. is the parent who is more likely to have lost their patience, lost their temper or engaged 'yelling at' a child either as a tool or as a mistake from time to time during a child's childhood. That's completely normal among us mortals, but, obviously it can be somewhat damaging, and it's not the way a perfect parent would have done things. It's also not the way it works for a less hands-on parent, who has someone else to figure things out for them and plenty of patience left to keep a cool head for the few times they encounter true challenge in their parenting role.

It's about the relationship between quantity and quality. If you just plain do more parenting, you obviously then make more mistakes. And mistakes get remembered. Therefore all teens tend to childishly favour the parent who parented less (and therefore made fewer mistakes to be remembered).

[Melissa Louise]

6 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I got some answers and my hunch was right. He won’t use yes/no answers to direct questions but it’s clear the plan is for her to move in once she sells her home. He has seen her face to face many times… so I wouldn’t be surprised if they were talking before our May divorce was finalized. 

She’s a US citizen so at least green card is off the table as her motivation to get serious with him. I hope she’s not pregnant. It’s so illogical to me. 

I know ppl have given you good advice about this, so right now I'm not gonna advise and just say, JC this ex if yours is a d*ck. Seriously, how hard is it to put the kids first for a few years? 

I feel like your burden is huge right now, and will continue to be, and although everyone giving good advice is right! Idk - just wanted you to know I think ex is continuing to be a selfish jerk. Sorry you have to deal. 

Edited September 6, 2022 by Melissa Louise

[ktgrok]

You know, I have to wonder if most of his life your son felt he couldn't express negativity toward his parents, due to your DH being so volatile. Now, when he's at your house, there is no risk anyone will grab him out of a chair, hit him, etc. So he is experimenting with saying awful things, unconsciously just enjoying the freedom to do that without fear. 

He can't do that with his dad. 

Edited September 6, 2022 by ktgrok

[Rosie_0801]

There's nothing illogical about him repartnering. It's poor strategy in the medium to long term, but it's not illogical.

He needs someone to do the parenting who isn't him, because it's a hassle, and isn't you, because he wants to hurt you and justify his own reprehensible behaviour.

It's textbook.

It really bites when some other woman has more rights over your kids than you do. You kind of have to numb that part of your soul.

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

There's nothing illogical about him repartnering. It's poor strategy in the medium to long term, but it's not illogical.

He needs someone to do the parenting who isn't him, because it's a hassle, and isn't you, because he wants to hurt you and justify his own reprehensible behaviour.

It's textbook.

It really bites when some other woman has more rights over your kids than you do. You kind of have to numb that part of your soul.

Oh that part is logical — I meant she’s illogical 🤣 picking up and moving her own kid to the middle of no where to move in with people she hasn’t known long. I’m sure the love bombing is strong. 

I’m not even worried about her as a mothering figure, at least now now. Like I genuinely get good vibes from what I know (the day I found her Facebook page I saw she had Positive Parenting as one of her liked pages). 

[Rosie_0801]

3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Oh that part is logical — I meant she’s illogical 🤣 picking up and moving her own kid to the middle of no where to move in with people she hasn’t known long. I’m sure the love bombing is strong. 

Anyone willing to take on someone else's 14yo boy isn't thinking the way they ought to, that's for sure! 🤩

[Rosie_0801]

I feel sorry for her. She's signing up to be a hybrid goldenchild-scapegoat and no one will thank her for it.

[heartlikealion]

3 hours ago, ktgrok said:

You know, I have to wonder if most of his life your son felt he couldn't express negativity toward his parents, due to your DH being so volatile. Now, when he's at your house, there is no risk anyone will grab him out of a chair, hit him, etc. So he is experimenting with saying awful things, unconsciously just enjoying the freedom to do that without fear. 

He can't do that with his dad. 

I have no idea. The physical stuff seldom happened. He seldom raised his voice or showed any outward signs of lack of composure. The few times I saw that side were usually directed at inanimate objects. Flipping my Easter basket of candy that was on my lap during our fight on the way to church, punching a hole in the wall in our first home, throwing a fast food cup of soda -maybe just the liquid - while driving and the soda clinging to the interior doors (because the wind prevented it from all going outside). 

Ds probably has no recollection but I do remember on occasion Xh would raise his voice at him and he’d tinkle a bit. I’d get so upset. Ds is very sensitive but also Xh is very scary when he gets mad. As hard as this all is I’m so thankful to be free of him as a partner. 

[heartlikealion]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I feel sorry for her. She's signing up to be a hybrid goldenchild-scapegoat and no one will thank her for it.

I also feel sorry for her. And I won’t be surprised if ds gets left behind on date nights to be in charge of two “siblings.” Because Xh is too cheap to hire a sitter and wouldn’t they need some alone time? 

She’s coming to his town this weekend. She’ll see the house and town and maybe reality will sink in.  

It hit me today that she’ll be forced to come up with tuition for her son if he joins them at the private school. I don’t know if that would be a financial burden. 

[ktgrok]

7 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I have no idea. The physical stuff seldom happened. He seldom raised his voice or showed any outward signs of lack of composure. The few times I saw that side were usually directed at inanimate objects. Flipping my Easter basket of candy that was on my lap during our fight on the way to church, punching a hole in the wall in our first home, throwing a fast food cup of soda -maybe just the liquid - while driving and the soda clinging to the interior doors (because the wind prevented it from all going outside). 

Ds probably has no recollection but I do remember on occasion Xh would raise his voice at him and he’d tinkle a bit. I’d get so upset. Ds is very sensitive but also Xh is very scary when he gets mad. As hard as this all is I’m so thankful to be free of him as a partner. 

Given all that it is know wonder that you are the parent he vents his frustration at! At least you are not scary. 

[heartlikealion]

I’ve been invited to trick or treat with Xh and fam — I declined. He showed me dd’s costume that they ordered and reminded me I’m still welcome to join. I was like why don’t you bring your gf? He said she might come, he doesn’t know. 

I’m not touching that situation with a 10ft pole lol hoping I’ll get a babysitting gig that weekend. 

[Rosie_0801]

13 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’ve been invited to trick or treat with Xh and fam — I declined. He showed me dd’s costume that they ordered and reminded me I’m still welcome to join. I was like why don’t you bring your gf? He said she might come, he doesn’t know. 

 

Isn't he cute? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[ScoutTN]

45 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Anyone willing to take on someone else's 14yo boy isn't thinking the way they ought to, that's for sure! 🤩

Amen!

[scholastica]

44 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’ve been invited to trick or treat with Xh and fam — I declined. He showed me dd’s costume that they ordered and reminded me I’m still welcome to join. I was like why don’t you bring your gf? He said she might come, he doesn’t know. 

I’m not touching that situation with a 10ft pole lol hoping I’ll get a babysitting gig that weekend. 

If new gf is not there, I’d consider going. Just so ex can’t go telling the kids that he asked and you said you didn’t want to. He knows they will take it as you didn’t want to be there with them.

Edited September 7, 2022 by scholastica

[ktgrok]

12 minutes ago, scholastica said:

If new gf is not there, I’d consider going. Just so ex can’t go telling the kids that he asked and you said you didn’t want to. He knows they will take it as you didn’t want to be there with them.

Agree 

[Rosie_0801]

I wouldn't go.

The ex can say whatever he wants, whenever he wants, regardless of the truth and the kids will believe whatever they want to believe.

You don't go play with a predator on their own territory, just because they claim to be in a good mood.

[Spryte]

3 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I wouldn't go.

The ex can say whatever he wants, whenever he wants, regardless of the truth and the kids will believe whatever they want to believe.

You don't go play with a predator on their own territory, just because they claim to be in a good mood.

Truth.

[heartlikealion]

I won’t go. It’s never been advised by my therapist or lawyer to share the separate parent time. Not playing house. Last year I had Halloween. It’s his year and I am ok with that. 
I also declined to share a booth at the fall fest. He needed someone to pedal his baked goods and offered to split the fee (we discussed weeks ago). If I do a booth it will be by myself. 

[Danae]

2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I won’t go. It’s never been advised by my therapist or lawyer to share the separate parent time. Not playing house. Last year I had Halloween. It’s his year and I am ok with that. 
I also declined to share a booth at the fall fest. He needed someone to pedal his baked goods and offered to split the fee (we discussed weeks ago). If I do a booth it will be by myself. 

Good for you!  Don’t get sucked in.  One advantage of your new life is not having to live/work with him. 

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I wouldn't go.

The ex can say whatever he wants, whenever he wants, regardless of the truth and the kids will believe whatever they want to believe.

You don't go play with a predator on their own territory, just because they claim to be in a good mood.

THIS. 

Well said, Rosie.

[heartlikealion]

We are signed up to help with the Halloween class party so either dd will see me at school that Friday or she’ll know I dropped off something. She knows I try. I’m not planning to go to her dr appt tomorrow (I was invited but the medical records at their pediatrician office say I abused son and caused divorce thanks to Xh plus Xh overpowers the visit. It’s just icky) but she’s coming over after that. 

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

We are signed up to help with the Halloween class party so either dd will see me at school that Friday or she’ll know I dropped off something. She knows I try. I’m not planning to go to her dr appt tomorrow (I was invited but the medical records at their pediatrician office say I abused son and caused divorce thanks to Xh plus Xh overpowers the visit. It’s just icky) but she’s coming over after that. 

You know you have the legal right to correct that record? I would strongly suggest you add your own notes to the medical record. Keep them brief and factual, to the point and not overly explanatory. The doctor's office won't necessarily remove dh's reported words, but at least you can balance that with the truth (false allegations in an acrimonious divorce).

[heartlikealion]

3 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

You know you have the legal right to correct that record? I would strongly suggest you add your own notes to the medical record. Keep them brief and factual, to the point and not overly explanatory. The doctor's office won't necessarily remove dh's reported words, but at least you can balance that with the truth (false allegations in an acrimonious divorce).

I wondered but ds probably corroborated the abuse narrative.