Ugh, parents are so frustrating! Vent, vent, vent...

[stephanier.1765]

My parents just got back yesterday from a big event that is held each year for 5 days. It's so packed full of activities that they are not only exposed to person after person after person but they are exhausted on top of it. I would be too but I'm not in my 70's or 80's. Fine, they are old enough to know what risks they are taking but what's not fine is refusing to go to the ER the day after you get home and collapse on the floor so that 911 has to be called to help you into bed and your pulse ox is in the 80's and you test POSTIVE for Covid. What's not fine is not isolating from the person who has Covid or opening the windows to let air circulate or feeding them chicken soup as medicine. As soon as I'm done venting right here, I'm going to buy an air purifier and whatever else I can think of to help them through it. Dump it all on their porch and give them another talk about something needing to be done through the door. I want to scream at the sheer stubbornness my father has shown his entire life but won't let it go in order to attempt to save his life.

[saraha]

I am so very very sorry. 

[Arcadia]

Do you have the key to their home? I would masked up and set up air purifiers in their living room and bedroom, as well as put a stack of ready to eat food in their fridge. I am so sorry. I have relatives who would behave similar and it can be very frustrating, hence children having copies of their house keys.

Edited June 3, 2022 by Arcadia
Typo

[Grace Hopper]

My frustration level would be affected by their vaccination status. Dare I ask?

Here’s hoping you and yours avoid getting it as you figure out how to best help your folks. 

[Spryte]

I’m so sorry. Hoping they are over it easily and quickly.

I feel your frustration!

[mommyoffive]

Oh man that is nuts.  I am sorry.  I hope they get well soon.

[Amethyst]

Yikes! So very frustrating for you. And scary too. 

[Corraleno]

Oh man, I am so so sorry. I hope their cases are mild and they recover quickly.

[HS Mom in NC]

Since this isn't a JAWM, I'll say it.

Maybe they're done with this life and are ready to go on to the next.  I know that's hard to hear, but my mom's cousin had no intention of fighting for as many months and years as possible. In his early 70s, he just wanted to do his thing, enjoy what last bit of life he had, and then die rapidly. He didn't have preventive care, even when there was obviously a tumor developing on his jaw.  He got his things in order, made arrangements for his daughter to move in with her mother (his wife) just before he died, let nature run its course, and called hospice for comfort measures. He knew what he wanted and what actions significantly increased the odds of what he wanted.

It's a valid option, even if it's not what others would choose. None of us is immortal, so we need to start thinking carefully about quantity vs. quality of life, because interventions usually increase quantity, but almost always bring a decrease in quality long term. Those deaths tend to be longer and slower, and not everyone thinks that's a good trade off.  It's not a small matter. Some people would rather have a shorter life and quicker death by doing what they love up to the very end and not concerning themselves with precautions, treatment, and interventions. 

If it were me, that's the kind of conversation I would have with them.  When they choose A, they significantly increase the likelihood of B.  Is that what they want?  If they choose X, they significantly increase the likelihood of Y.  Would they prefer that? I think people should get to decide for themselves, but they need to think it through explicitly so they aren't deluding themselves.

[DoraBora]

nm

Edited June 2, 2022 by DoraBora

[gardenmom5]

56 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

Since this isn't a JAWM, I'll say it.

Maybe they're done with this life and are ready to go on to the next.   

It's a valid option, even if it's not what others would choose. N 

You make a good point.  And during a calm moment, when this is all over - demanding that if they wish to take this course of (in)action, they do Swedish Death Cleaning of their house.  It is what a considerate parent would do.  😜

OP- I'm sorry.  I listened to my sil's (late 60s) dil make many of the same vents last year.  She was surprised sil (her mil) would behave that way and was quite upset - I was much less surprised. . . . (even though I was shaking my head.)

[HS Mom in NC]

21 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

You make a good point.  And during a calm moment, when this is all over - demanding that if they wish to take this course of (in)action, they do Swedish Death Cleaning of their house.  It is what a considerate parent would do.  😜
 

I agree. (Even though I see you were joking.) People need to take responsibility for their lives, their decisions, and their stuff while they still can and not dump them unnecessarily on others.

[MercyA]

I am so sorry. Hugs to you. ❤️

[stephanier.1765]

Thanks all! I've driven all over town getting one thing or another that they wanted or needed. My mother kept apologizing but I told her I didn't care where I needed to go or what I needed to buy and to just let me know what they need and I'll get it. After a couple of trips to their house, hopefully they are set for the short term. 

Dad swore that their pulse oximeter was not working right and that his number really wasn't that low. So I got them a new one, and yes, the number is that low. He's hovering in high 80's with the occasional 90 or 91. I read from the internet exactly what you are supposed to do when you hit those numbers because until you have a 3rd source, he will tell you it's not that bad. None of it mattered though because he still didn't go to the ER. I don't know what it is with him and doctors but he will not go unless it's an emergency (in his mind). I can count twice that happened. Both times he couldn't pee and was in a lot of pain. So he doesn't even have a primary care doctor, just an urologist.

I don't think this is his way of cashing out of life. He's very active and he recently got my eldest involved in one of his activities, which they both have been enjoying immensely. And when he isn't out with his activities, he's working around the house. Not just piddling stuff but, for example, right now he's in the middle of cutting up a big, gigantic tree into firewood. But I could be wrong. While I really think it's a fear of doctors, you just never know what's going on in someone's mind.

It's amazing how angry I am. Even though my brain knows it's really just frustration and fear, my body won't let the anger go. I tried not to show any of that over the phone with him but I'm pretty sure it bled through by how meek he was in responding. Meek is not a word anyone on the planet would use to describe my father. He managed to maintain his stubbornness though. 

BTW, my mother was shocked about all the tips and knowledge I was able to give her on dealing with Covid. I didn't tell her that I have a secret super power (WTM) and just took all the credit. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Denial can play in very heavily in not accurately assessing how bad things are. I have stories from my own family. 😔

Hugs.

[stephanier.1765]

Oops, I forgot to answer a couple things:

4 hours ago, Arcadia said:

Do you have the key to their home? I would masked up and set up air purifiers in their living room and bedroom, as well as pull a stack of ready to eat food in their fridge. I am so sorry. I have relatives who would behave similar and it can be very frustrating, hence children having copies of their house keys.

I don't have a key but I do have the passcode. 

4 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

My frustration level would be affected by their vaccination status. Dare I ask?

Here’s hoping you and yours avoid getting it as you figure out how to best help your folks. 

They are both vaccinated and boosted. I don't know if they have the second booster, though. I'll ask the next time I talk to them.

I've decided that if my mother comes down with it, then I'm moving in for the short term to care for them and so I don't bring it home to anyone. Their house is big enough that I can isolate but small enough that I can hear them if they ring a bell (I guess they could call my cell too). I will mask and wear gloves any time I am outside of my room. I'll probably get an air purifier for that room, as well. I worry more for my mother. She seems more frail, somehow. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Start your vitamin c and vitamin d now if you aren’t already taking some. 

[stephanier.1765]

10 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Start your vitamin c and vitamin d now if you aren’t already taking some. 

Oh, good idea! I already take D but I'm not as regular with C so I'll change that pronto. 

[Harriet Vane]

With oxygen that low his stubbornness is likely being reinforced by brain fog. He needs to be in a hospital receiving treatment.

[Tanaqui]

If his oxygen is hovering so low, he's not thinking clearly. You cannot blame him for making bad choices when he's oxygen-deprived.

Sure, I understand that he's got this weird thing about doctors regardless - but that doesn't change the situation as it is now, which is that he's in no position to take care of himself and it's not his fault that he can't.

I think you're going to have to simply call an ambulance for him and deal with the fallout later.

[heartlikealion]

15 hours ago, stephanier.1765 said:

Oh, good idea! I already take D but I'm not as regular with C so I'll change that pronto. 

When you take vit D, it's best to take with K. Supposed to help the body distribute the calcium properly? I switched to a K/D supplement. 

Edited June 3, 2022 by heartlikealion

[TravelingChris]

16 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

With oxygen that low his stubbornness is likely being reinforced by brain fog. He needs to be in a hospital receiving treatment.

Exactly--- my dd2 was sharing a house with my ds back in Spring 2020.  She accidentally rank something with citrus, because the juice had just changed ingredients and she didn't check because it had been okay.  Both her oxygen and her bp got very low and she was refusing to go to the ER because of COVID.  My son didn't know if it was COVID or what, just that her pulse ox measurement was too low.  He forced her into the car.  She was so badly off that the ER people had to get my son to give them all the info about her.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

2 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

If his oxygen is hovering so low, he's not thinking clearly. You cannot blame him for making bad choices when he's oxygen-deprived.

Sure, I understand that he's got this weird thing about doctors regardless - but that doesn't change the situation as it is now, which is that he's in no position to take care of himself and it's not his fault that he can't.

I think you're going to have to simply call an ambulance for him and deal with the fallout later.

Just be aware that paramedics can’t force people to go. If someone is alert and oriented and doesn’t want to go, I can’t kidnap them. If they can answer questions about who they are and where they are and what’s going on, it doesn’t matter what else is going on, they can’t be forced to go.  Usually the police will only force someone if they are suicidal or homicidal. 

So calling an ambulance may just anger him and not help at all.

(Now, is someone is confused, like they don’t know their name or birthdate, can’t tell me their address or what month it is, and those are things they usually know, that’s different.  But I wouldn’t expect someone with an Spo2 of 88-91% to be that confused.)

Edited June 3, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[stephanier.1765]

23 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Just be aware that paramedics can’t force people to go. If someone is alert and oriented and doesn’t want to go, I can’t kidnap them. If they can answer questions about who they are and where they are and what’s going on, it doesn’t matter what else is going on, they can’t be forced to go.  Usually the police will only force someone if they are suicidal or homicidal. 

So calling an ambulance may just anger him and not help at all.

(Now, is someone is confused, like they don’t know their name or birthdate, can’t tell me their address or what month it is, and those are things they usually know, that’s different.  But I wouldn’t expect someone with an Spo2 of 88-91% to be that confused.)

He was able to answer all those questions. It's weird because my mother was telling me how his mind wasn't all there, so the low oxygen was definitely messing with his mind, just not enough to keep him from answering questions.

Today his oxygen is hovering in the low 90's so he's more aware and I was able to have a conversation with him. He still won't go in to have someone look at him and find out where he stands with this. A few years ago he had skin cancer on his nose. It became so huge it looked like a second nose. Everybody, friends and family, encouraged him to get that seen to. The only reason he ever did was because he was going to officiate my son's wedding and didn't want to that be in the pictures. My mother described yesterday as scary but today is just worrying.

DIL now has Covid as well. They were visiting my parents about 10 days ago. It doesn't stay in the system that long before popping up, does it?

[stephanier.1765]

My mother tested positive yesterday. As of right now, 12 other people from their event have tested positive. DH just came in to say, "Well you called that before they went. " Unfortunately, I did. 

[heartlikealion]

I hope they have a mild case/speedy recovery (can’t tell if the severity seen so far is Covid-related or due to oxygen levels). 

[Kassia]

ugh, I'm sorry @stephanier.1765  Hope everyone is better soon.  😞