NM thanks everyone

[PinkTulip]

NM

Edited December 10, 2021 by PinkTulip

[Ceilingfan]

Do neither. Just block his number and tell your attorney to tell him to only contact you through your attorney.

[Stacia]

.

Edited December 10, 2021 by Stacia

[Scarlett]

What is the hold up on the divorce?  

And why do you feel like you need to keep the peace with him at this point?

[PinkTulip]

8 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 

Edited December 10, 2021 by PinkTulip

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that this might be a tactic for him to ‘win’ in some way—not necessarily getting back together, but possibly do better in the settlement, or just feel like a good person for still being friendly with an ex.  

I think that politely declining is the right response to any of these, and that if you can emotionally manage to stay polite and firm going forward it would be nice for your grown children; however, if you can’t, you can’t, in which case being able to block him after your divorce is final is a good thing to look forward to.

[Carrie12345]

Your kids are over 18. Block his number.

My ex isn’t even NPD (just a donkey butt with a few NPD traits), and I think I’ve spoken to him once in 5 years. It’s glorious!

[elegantlion]

I would play nice and avoid his calls. Oh, you texted, sorry I must have missed that. If he calls, sorry I only have a few minutes to talk. 

I had to go visit my ex once with ds to help ds with a situation regarding his dad. I told my ex we couldn't stay long because I had a doctor's appointment. I was meeting a friend at school, one who happens to have a PhD. I didn't tell ex that part, I mean it was a doctor's appointment. 

I learned not to give my narcissist fodder for anything. For me, I'd want to be cautious and smooth while waiting for the divorce to be final. 

[fairfarmhand]

3 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

I would play nice and avoid his calls. Oh, you texted, sorry I must have missed that. If he calls, sorry I only have a few minutes to talk. 

I had to go visit my ex once with ds to help ds with a situation regarding his dad. I told my ex we couldn't stay long because I had a doctor's appointment. I was meeting a friend at school, one who happens to have a PhD. I didn't tell ex that part, I mean it was a doctor's appointment. 

I learned not to give my narcissist fodder for anything. For me, I'd want to be cautious and smooth while waiting for the divorce to be final. 

Yes, this.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell him that this stuff causes you pain. That's asking for him to find another way to frustrate and torture you.

[Bootsie]

Would telling him it is traumatizing you provide any positive results?  Would he respect what you are saying and change his behavior?  If not, I see little benefit from teilling him that. 

If you simply say, I would prefer for not to call or text me unless it is about XYZ (without telling hm it is traumatizing, because you don't owe him an explanation) would he honor that request?  If so, that is worth saying.  If not, then there is no benefit to saying it.  Your option then is how you respond to it--which coul either be a simple "no" or no response at all. 

[Catwoman]

I would be as polite as possible until the divorce is final. I don't see any point in antagonizing him when it could come back to bite you. He is holding the cards right now because he doesn't actually want the divorce, so I would keep trying to move things along, while acting like I was still his friend.

I wouldn't go to parties with him or anything, but I would decline politely and make an excuse. How much longer will it be until the divorce is final? 

Also, does he know your username here? If he does and you think he might pop in to spy on you, you might want to change your name.

[Rosie_0801]

How long will it be before the court forces a ruling on the money?

[PinkTulip]

8 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

Edited December 10, 2021 by PinkTulip

[Catwoman]

Can't your attorney press him to finalize?

[PinkTulip]

8 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

Edited December 10, 2021 by PinkTulip

[Scarlett]

I am not quoting your reply to me but I would say those are very very good reasons to keep the peace.  You might talk to @Home'scool.  She has been dealing with a difficult XH for several years.  

[Ceilingfan]

She can't move to shorten time or enforce discovery? It might be worth a free consultation with another attorney, esp. if a 5 minute phone call is $100. They should be charging that at .1, which would be $20-$30 depending on the hourly rate 

[Scarlett]

People like that HATE to be cut off completely and I am afraid if you block him he will come at you in some other terrible way.  You have to find a mind trick to not let his correspondence bother you so much.  

I use to pretend my XH (while going through the divorce) was dead.

[Rosie_0801]

So, he's pretty much allowed to make this drag on until you give up and either let him keep the money or you pay it all to your lawyer?

I remember my ex, before he was my ex, wondering how it was people were willing to spend so much in the courts. I suppose he knows now.

[PinkTulip]

NM

Edited December 10, 2021 by PinkTulip

[Scarlett]

I would just try to ride it out without any further phone calls to your attorney.  You probably don't have a real need to talk with her at this point if you are just waiting for him to do his whatever he is going to do.  

[Rosie_0801]

Any time he texts, roll your eyes and say "What a pathetic <expletive>." That's good for anxiety.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Any time he texts, roll your eyes and say "What a pathetic <expletive>." That's good for anxiety.

QFT

I got so good at pretending he was dead that sometimes I was actually surprised when I looked and saw a text from him.  Oh look XH has returned from the grave to aggravate me.  

[Lecka]

Maybe he is going to be difficult no matter what you do.  His doctor visit sounds like it is in that direction.  
 

It makes me think block him and know he is going to drag things out?  
 

Maybe I am missing something.  
 

But it sounds like it’s past the point that he will be on better behavior based on anything you do, to me.  
 

Of course you know him better.  If you think he is still treating you better because of your responses, then I think that is different.  
 

 

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Maybe he is going to be difficult no matter what you do.  His doctor visit sounds like it is in that direction.  
 

It makes me think block him and know he is going to drag things out?  
 

Maybe I am missing something.  
 

But it sounds like it’s past the point that he will be on better behavior based on anything you do, to me.  
 

Of course you know him better.  If you think he is still treating you better because of your responses, then I think that is different.  
 

 

I don't know him, but it feels like it is more like he would treat her worse if she blocked him.  Not that he is treating her well now.....

[PeterPan]

Every time he contacts you, pay yourself $5 toward a cruise. 

[Corraleno]

Agreeing with others that I would definitely NOT let him know that his actions are triggering you, because he will just escalate the behavior. Let his calls go to voicemail and provide a delayed reply in the form of a short, polite, emotionless, excuse-less text ("No, sorry, that doesn't work for me." "No, I won't be available this weekend." etc.). Never let him know that what he's doing is upsetting you. You just need to hang in there for 6 more months.

When I was going through this, I wore a metaphorical "mask" whenever I had to deal with him — a pleasant, polite, unthreatening mask — even though my anxiety level was through the roof, to the point that the sight of an email or text from him would often literally make me feel like I was going to throw up. But all he ever saw was a duck floating serenely on the surface, while I was paddling furiously below the water getting my affairs in order and making plans to get the hell out of dodge the minute the divorce was final.

[Lecka]

Like just out of spite?  
 

Well, it sounds like it’s a long time to keep having PTSD symptoms.  It’s not healthy.  
 

If you really know you can keep him happy and it will end a lot sooner and with a lot less heartache — maybe it’s worth it.

 

But it’s a very high price.  
 

Without understanding all the ramifications — to me it seems like it’s not healthy, it’s not good, it’s not worth it.  And it’s out of your control no matter what you do.  But you would be stuck in his head and there are health effects with PTSD. 

[Lecka]

I think if people who have “been there” are saying to keep dealing with him until the divorce goes through — that is probably worth listening to, I do not know about it first-hand.  

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

Agreeing with others that I would definitely NOT let him know that his actions are triggering you, because he will just escalate the behavior. Let his calls go to voicemail and provide a delayed reply in the form of a short, polite, emotionless, excuse-less text ("No, sorry, that doesn't work for me." "No, I won't be available this weekend." etc.). Never let him know that what he's doing is upsetting you. You just need to hang in there for 6 more months.

When I was going through this, I wore a metaphorical "mask" whenever I had to deal with him — a pleasant, polite, unthreatening mask — even though my anxiety level was through the roof, to the point that the sight of an email or text from him would often literally make me feel like I was going to throw up. But all he ever saw was a duck floating serenely on the surface, while I was paddling furiously below the water getting my affairs in order and making plans to get the hell out of dodge the minute the divorce was final.

This.  This is exactly what it is like and you handled it perfectly.

[Resilient]

Not in divorce or family relationship but in dealing with a person with NPD, I found some very helpful articles/videos about how to deal with them.  It really helped.

If you google "gray rock narcissism" you'll find some good resources.  If you have to deal with him, be as boring and uninteresting as possible.  That's the net-net.

[Faith-manor]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

QFT

I got so good at pretending he was dead that sometimes I was actually surprised when I looked and saw a text from him.  Oh look XH has returned from the grave to aggravate me.  

That's awesome, Scarlett!

[HS Mom in NC]

18 hours ago, Scarlett said:

QFT

I got so good at pretending he was dead that sometimes I was actually surprised when I looked and saw a text from him.  Oh look XH has returned from the grave to aggravate me.  

That's awesome! It made me think of this video. It starts out slowly but picks up.  I like to imagine you dealing with your X similarly.

 

Edited December 10, 2021 by HS Mom in NC