Am I overreacting?

[Katy]

Your mom is angry at you because you’re hurt your siblings left you out?  I don’t need more information, they’re all toxic. I’m so sorry. 

[Lecka]

Good for you.  Your husband sounds like a good egg.  

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, Joker2 said:

And now my mom won’t talk to me. I was supposed to stuff my feelings and say nothing. I’m exhausted but I actually feel really proud of myself for finally speaking up.

Dh did have a very valid point. He said they truly didn’t think it would hurt me because that would require them to have considered my feelings in the first place. I am never a consideration with my mom and siblings though. I know this but I just ignore it cause, ouch. 

 

This is BS.  Just to be clear.  (I mean, your sisters’ actions, and your mom supporting them.)

I think that it would make sense to follow through with the sisters and explicitly ask them to include you in family events from now on, staying calm (as someone suggested up thread.). 

Regarding your mom, really what she is saying is that it’s fine for her to have a birthday party just for family and not even tell you about it.  She should have stood up for you, and said, “You need to include Joker.  I am disappointed that I need to tell you that.”  If she is not setting that expection, that is not normal.

[Garga]

Yeah, with the new information about Mom not talking to you...that changes things. That’s just not normal. 

I think you are very brave and mature for speaking up for yourself, especially with the updates showing how very ridiculous they are being. I’m proud of you! They need to grow up and get over themselves. 

 

[hjffkj]

I am so sorry this is how it is playing out. People can be so shitty sometimes. But high five for sticking up for yourself. That is huge. 

[1234]

I think the relationships are dead for a while. The conversation between my sister and dc went downhill fast and they both told her they were done with her. I feel bad for her in this moment but she just wouldn’t stop and actually listen to what they were saying. 

Thanks everyone for the support! It was nice to have through this. 

[1234]

58 minutes ago, kand said:

I'm sorry it went that direction and I'm sorry your dc ended up having to deal with it as well. I'm still buffering my oldest from some of that, and I'm not sure how and when to step aside and leave it to them to sort out with extended family.

My oldest is 21 and has been out for five years, so I think it was past time she directed these questions to him. I now know he’s had a lot of pent up anger and frustration with a few in my family and he definitely got it out today. It’s unfortunate it all happened when it did but I truly hope it can lead to a better, more honest relationship with everyone at some point in the future.

[Carol in Cal.]

18 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

My oldest is 21 and has been out for five years, so I think it was past time she directed these questions to him. I now know he’s had a lot of pent up anger and frustration with a few in my family and he definitely got it out today. It’s unfortunate it all happened when it did but I truly hope it can lead to a better, more honest relationship with everyone at some point in the future.

The issue had nothing to do with your children.  That was a diversion.  You don’t answer for them, and them supposedly hurting your sisters’ feelings is no excuse for them to exclude you.  That is the truth of the situation.

[1234]

16 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

The issue had nothing to do with your children.  That was a diversion.  You don’t answer for them, and them supposedly hurting your sisters’ feelings is no excuse for them to exclude you.  That is the truth of the situation.

Thanks for reminding me of this. I’ve been feeling bad for her and like I need to apologize, but she’s the one who brought them into this and then actually reached out to them.  It’s all so crazy to me.

[1234]

My mom said she doesn’t want to see me for the time being. You guys, we moved here six years ago to be closer to her. I live just minutes away. My dad died over 20 years ago and now I feel like the rest of my family just kicked me to the curb. I can’t wait to sell this house and get out of here. 

On a positive note, I have never felt so much love from my kids as I have the past few days. My oldest actually told my sister he felt bad for her that she didn’t know what an amazing person I am.  

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

My mom said she doesn’t want to see me for the time being. You guys, we moved here six years ago to be closer to her. I live just minutes away. My dad died over 20 years ago and now I feel like the rest of my family just kicked me to the curb. I can’t wait to sell this house and get out of here. 

On a positive note, I have never felt so much love from my kids as I have the past few days. My oldest actually told my sister he felt bad for her that she didn’t know what an amazing person I am.  

I am sorry.  Try to just let some time pass without any contact.  The less said now the better.  Hopefully if you do ever resume contact they will be better behaved and treat you with more thoughtfulness. You were right to speak up about their rude treatment if you.  And now it is out of your hands for the moment.  

[mommyoffive]

17 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

My mom said she doesn’t want to see me for the time being. You guys, we moved here six years ago to be closer to her. I live just minutes away. My dad died over 20 years ago and now I feel like the rest of my family just kicked me to the curb. I can’t wait to sell this house and get out of here. 

On a positive note, I have never felt so much love from my kids as I have the past few days. My oldest actually told my sister he felt bad for her that she didn’t know what an amazing person I am.  

I am so sorry about what your mom is doing.  

I am so proud of you and your kids.  

[Kassia]

32 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

My mom said she doesn’t want to see me for the time being. You guys, we moved here six years ago to be closer to her. I live just minutes away. My dad died over 20 years ago and now I feel like the rest of my family just kicked me to the curb. I can’t wait to sell this house and get out of here. 

On a positive note, I have never felt so much love from my kids as I have the past few days. My oldest actually told my sister he felt bad for her that she didn’t know what an amazing person I am.  

I'm really sorry about the way your mom is treating you and that you have been hurt.  How sweet that your kids have been so supportive, though.  ❤️

[Tiberia]

2 hours ago, Joker2 said:

My mom said she doesn’t want to see me for the time being. You guys, we moved here six years ago to be closer to her. I live just minutes away. My dad died over 20 years ago and now I feel like the rest of my family just kicked me to the curb. I can’t wait to sell this house and get out of here. 

On a positive note, I have never felt so much love from my kids as I have the past few days. My oldest actually told my sister he felt bad for her that she didn’t know what an amazing person I am.  

It sounds like the family you made is kinder and more mature than the family you were born into. Hang on to those people who give you love and strength. Offer grace to those who are mean and immature, but don't expect them to fill your heart. And, keep your distance if they are trying to wound you. You have a lot to be thankful for; I'm glad your kids are rising to the challenge. 

[Caraway]

20 hours ago, Joker2 said:

And now my mom won’t talk to me. I was supposed to stuff my feelings and say nothing. I’m exhausted but I actually feel really proud of myself for finally speaking up.

Dh did have a very valid point. He said they truly didn’t think it would hurt me because that would require them to have considered my feelings in the first place. I am never a consideration with my mom and siblings though. I know this but I just ignore it cause, ouch. 

 

I am having a similar experience and it is VERY painful.  ((((Hugs))))

[Kassia]

30 minutes ago, Caraway said:

I am having a similar experience and it is VERY painful.  ((((Hugs))))

I'm sorry for you too.  We've been through that and it is very hard.

[school17777]

@Joker2 I’m so sorry your family is treating you this way.  It is very hurtful.

[importswim]

We could do with a *roll eyes* emoji as I've wanted to use it so much upon hearing your family's responses to you.

I'm all for giving the benefit of the doubt, but like others have said it seems pretty clear that they're immature. I'm so sorry that they're doing this to you. Good for you for being honest about your feelings. You can't control how they react. I think them wanting space from you might end up being much better for you than if they didn't. Hugs!

[Katy]

What was you mom’s excuse?  

[LifeLovePassion]

I'm so sorry. It can be so difficult. We had to set some firm family boundaries. It is/was not ideal, but it helped protect me, DH, our kids. 

Feel free to PM if you want more of an ear than a public forum. 

[1234]

11 minutes ago, Katy said:

What was you mom’s excuse?  

My mom is mad that my dc made my sister upset. She is also mad that now my dc don’t really want to see her because of how she’s reacted. It’s a huge mess and my dc should have never been brought into it. 

I’ve spent the past few days really hurt but now I’m starting to get really angry at my mom turning her back on me and refusing to talk. I would have never guessed she would do this.

[Katy]

1 minute ago, Joker2 said:

My mom is mad that my dc made my sister upset. She is also mad that now my dc don’t really want to see her because of how she’s reacted. It’s a huge mess and my dc should have never been brought into it. 

I’ve spent the past few days really hurt but now I’m starting to get really angry at my mom turning her back on me and refusing to talk. I would have never guessed she would do this.

I don’t blame you. I would be really angry too. 

[1234]

Apparently my siblings and mom don’t actually want a relationship with me. They just want a relationship with my kids and my dc aren’t going along with it. So, I guess they’ve decided to quit pretending they like me. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to take all that has transpired over the last few days.

[lauraw4321]

Do they have any explanation for why they didn’t invite you? 

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

Apparently my siblings and mom don’t actually want a relationship with me. They just want a relationship with my kids and my dc aren’t going along with it. So, I guess they’ve decided to quit pretending they like me. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to take all that has transpired over the last few days.

I feel so bad for you and am very sorry you are being treated this way.  I hope they come to their senses and make things right.  

[1234]

1 minute ago, lauraw4321 said:

Do they have any explanation for why they didn’t invite you? 

None. They said they didn’t mean to hurt me but went straight into talking about, and to, my dc and things went downhill from there. It’s turned into not even being about why I was upset in the beginning. I’m still stunned by what happened.

[prairiewindmomma]

11 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

Apparently my siblings and mom don’t actually want a relationship with me. They just want a relationship with my kids and my dc aren’t going along with it. So, I guess they’ve decided to quit pretending they like me. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to take all that has transpired over the last few days.

The great news is that you don't have to decide right now how to take it.  Your feelings may change over time.  The hurt may eventually soften into relief that you can give up unhealthy relationships.

It sounds like your relationship with your mom may have been transactional. You were convenient for a time, when she needed help, and now she doesn't need you as much. That's not ok, but it is a common issue. 

It also sounds like you have lovely children. 

[lauraw4321]

1 minute ago, Joker2 said:

None. They said they didn’t mean to hurt me but went straight into talking about, and to, my dc and things went downhill from there. It’s turned into not even being about why I was upset in the beginning. I’m still stunned by what happened.

I’m so sorry. When people show you who they are, believe them. 

[mathnerd]

1 minute ago, Joker2 said:

Apparently my siblings and mom don’t actually want a relationship with me. They just want a relationship with my kids and my dc aren’t going along with it. So, I guess they’ve decided to quit pretending they like me. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to take all that has transpired over the last few days.

I have similar family dynamics and there is NPD involved as well. People who don't want me in their lives want my DC to be very close to them. The silver lining that I see in this relationship is that I know now how they really feel about me and I don't have to waste time on superficial niceties with them.

One thing I can say from experiencing a lifetime of this drama is that they are all ganging up behind your back and gossiping about you, what your motives could be, passing judgement on your character and then deciding that you are to blame for whatever the issue is. They probably decided that keeping up good relations with you is not worth it because in their mind, you are not as good/nice/kind etc as them. This is classic Scapegoating and it does not stop even in old age. I am truly sorry that you moved to be closer to them. They have probably installed buttons inside you that they know how to press to hurt you. I hope that you reconsider living near them.

It seems that you did a great job in raising your kids! Let your family deal directly with your DC and they can speak their minds to their aunts and grandma. 

[Carol in Cal.]

1 minute ago, Joker2 said:

None. They said they didn’t mean to hurt me but went straight into talking about, and to, my dc and things went downhill from there. It’s turned into not even being about why I was upset in the beginning. I’m still stunned by what happened.

It’s pretty normal, albeit quite immature, for people to deflect things that make them question their own behavior.

One would hope that these grown women would be beyond that point.

I’m not sure what to suggest, but I think that you could reasonably ask for an apology from your sisters FOR HOW THEY TREATED YOU.  And if they bring up your children, you can say, “That’s between you and them.  Right now we are talking about what you did to me.”  

Honestly I doubt that this will fix things but it might at least get your position and treatment an airing.  It seems like everyone has forgotten it now.

[prairiewindmomma]

1 minute ago, Joker2 said:

None. They said they didn’t mean to hurt me but went straight into talking about, and to, my dc and things went downhill from there. It’s turned into not even being about why I was upset in the beginning. I’m still stunned by what happened.

This is a really common dynamic....twisting something to de-legitimize the actual hurt you experienced and making it all about them.  They will drop the bit of the story where they were awful and pick it up where you were upset and make it all about how they are the victim of your upset. They will demean, lie, disrespect, manipulate....and otherwise try to spin you and the circumstances so that you are disoriented and then blame you for it all. They will go after your kids to try to triangulate the situation.

Like, seriously, when you are not mixed up in it, it's easy to see what a toxic stew it is.  It's just really painful and awful when you're in the stew pot.

[Carol in Cal.]

20 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

Apparently my siblings and mom don’t actually want a relationship with me. They just want a relationship with my kids and my dc aren’t going along with it. So, I guess they’ve decided to quit pretending they like me. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to take all that has transpired over the last few days.

I don’t think I would draw this conclusion just yet.  Tensions are high right now, and they are not showing their best selves at all.  They might really want a relationship with you, or maybe not.  Especially your mom.  Don’t decide yet.

Maybe your kids were very rude to them.  I don’t know.  Maybe not.  But your kids are grown, and if they are acting in a way that you didn’t raise them to act, that’s not a reflection on you.  And it’s not the original issue, which has yet to be addressed in any meaningful way.

I don’t know that I would assume that your mom has heard your side of this at all, as she is hearing the whole thing from the sisters.  Just saying.

Edited April 5, 2021 by Carol in Cal.

[1234]

Decided to remove this one. Sorry.

Edited April 5, 2021 by Joker2

[MooCow]

37 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

Apparently my siblings and mom don’t actually want a relationship with me. They just want a relationship with my kids and my dc aren’t going along with it. So, I guess they’ve decided to quit pretending they like me. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to take all that has transpired over the last few days.

Shame on them!!!! Not trying to be rude, but they suck. You deserve better! 

[Katy]

You’re a better person than I am for even trying. Disrespect my children and we’d be done. 

[Garga]

On 4/4/2021 at 12:49 PM, Tiberia said:

It sounds like the family you made is kinder and more mature than the family you were born into. Hang on to those people who give you love and strength. Offer grace to those who are mean and immature, but don't expect them to fill your heart. And, keep your distance if they are trying to wound you. You have a lot to be thankful for; I'm glad your kids are rising to the challenge. 

You said this so well, Tiberia.

[Rosie_0801]

It's a common dynamic in my family of origin to prioritise the volatile and make a whipping boy/scapegoat out of the reliable ones.

Worry less about how they feel about you, and concentrate on how you feel about them. Your decisions should be made from your point of view, not theirs.

[1234]

Apparently my oldest told my sister he spent a lot time growing up watching them treat me bad and me not saying anything. My sister just asked me why I’ve never said anything before if they treated me so wrong.  I mean, it’s worked out so well for me this time. 🤣

I really liked what you said, @Rosie_0801, about what I think of them instead of what they think of me. I need to spend time thinking about what I really want from here on out and not worrying so much how they view me. Thank you.