Feeling sad and frustrated tonight

[Bensmom]

My heart is so heavy and sad. I don’t want to share this with my family or real life friends because it is too hard to admit but I need some words of encouragement. 

My husband is a good provider and works hard. He is honest and a faithful spouse. We have been married 19 years and he is my best friend. He is also a lousy father. We have one child. Our son is almost 18 and my husband has never enjoyed spending time with him or ever made an effort to get to know him. When we are together as a family, my husband is rude and defensive towards our son like his presence and every word and action irritates him. Our son is hurt and it is breaking my heart to see our son hurt. I have tried to talk to my husband about this many times through the years and make suggestions for activities that might bring them together but my husband is defensive and always storms off angry and nothing changes.  

I love my husband and he is a good man but I cannot understand why he is such a jerk where our son is concerned. I fear that when our son leaves home he will never want to return to visit and spend time with us because his relationship with his dad is so tense. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t see an answer to the problem and feel heartbroken that the two people I love most in the world can’t be in the same room together. 

Does anyone else have a work-a-holic type husband who doesn’t have a relationship with their kids?  Did it ever improve?  If so, what made the difference?

[mommyoffive]

I don't have that situation, but I am sending you some hugs.  Do you talk to your son about it?  Have you talked to a therapist at all?  

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[Porridge]

Hugs.

father issues are more common than one might imagine. If your DH and or DS are open to therapy, that can be really helpful.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I had a similar relationship with my dad.  It greatly Improved when I was an adult. I might even be close to being the favorite child now lol.

If your son is willing to see a therapist, that might be a really good thing.  someone who can help him understand that the problem is with dad, not him.

Edited December 27, 2020 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[Amy Gen]

Deleted 

Edited December 27, 2020 by Amy Gen

[Garga]

Do you ever call out your dh exactly in the moment and in front of your son? 

Have you said, in the moment, ‘I don’t like it when you talk that way to DS’? 

[marbel]

My husband is much harder on our son than he is on our daughter. He expects much more from him, and he expects, I think, our son to be just like my husband was when he was young. Or at least, how he perceives himself to have been, if that makes sense.

I have repeatedly said "sorry he is not the kid you want but he is the kid you have. Do you want to have a relationship with him?" My husband's relationship with his own parents is strained which may explain many things. Now that I'm thinking of it, I remember that my father and brother did not get along. 

I am sorry you are dealing with this.  Hugs to you and your son. I would encourage counseling for you/your son if he is at all open to it. 

 

[scholastica]

Your dh needs counseling. Yes, your son probably needs counseling to deal with rejection by his father, but your dh has problems he is not dealing with. Please consider family counseling.

[JustEm]

I'm sorry you are struggling. I can't imagine how painful it must be to be dealing with that type of family dynamic.

Gently,  an important part of being a good spouse is not creating an environment where the other spouse has to worry if their child will not return home for visits once he is an adult.  If he can't have a conversation about healing the relationship without getting defensive and angry he needs to be in therapy.  And you should push for it because while I firmly believe in a spouse coming before everyone else it is a two way street and he needs to fix this for you just as much as for your son.

[Garga]

deleted.

Edited December 27, 2020 by Garga

[Selkie]

I am going to be blunt. I agree with @Thatboyofmine.

My dad was like your dh. He made it clear that he had zero interest in me or my siblings, ignored us for days or weeks at a time (despite living in the same house with us), and acted like an irritated jerk on the rare occasions he was forced to spend time with us. 

The relationship between your dh and ds is probably beyond the point of repair. Your dh is unwilling to change his behavior. Your ds is already very damaged by 18 years of rejection and will carry that pain with him for the rest of his life.

Your best shot at having a future relationship with your ds is to start sticking up for him right this minute. Stand up to your dh and make it clear you will not tolerate his behavior. Apologize to your ds for not putting your foot down years ago.  Be honest about your dh with yourself and your ds. Don't make excuses for your dh or downplay his treatment of your ds. You say your dh is a good man, but a good man does not reject his child.  Likewise, a best friend does not treat your child like garbage. It is going to be tough and stressful, but you need to show your ds that he is your number one priority.

[J-rap]

I'm so very sorry.  Have you talked honestly with your ds about the situation?  Have you told him that you see what's happening, and that you are on HIS (your ds's) side and are there for him, and that you know your dh is in the wrong?  And then stand up to your dh.  Personally, I think once you have children, your first responsibility has to be to your children.  They are in your care.  Their entire future can hinge on how they are treated and loved during their growing up years.  Do you have other children whom your dh treats differently?

You have a little time left to set things right.  I'd push for family therapy.  If your dh refuses to go, tell him that you and your ds will go without him.

 

Edited December 27, 2020 by J-rap

[teachermom2834]

nm

Edited December 28, 2020 by teachermom2834

[katilac]

17 hours ago, Bensmom said:

 Does anyone else have a work-a-holic type husband who doesn’t have a relationship with their kids?  Did it ever improve?  If so, what made the difference?

I fear that when our son leaves home he will never want to return to visit and spend time with us because his relationship with his dad is so tense.

 I think you shared some truthful and painful details, but then you also minimize the problem. Take the above quotes: 

The problem isn't that your husband is a workaholic, the problem is that he mistreats your son. 

The problem isn't that their relationship is tense, which isn't uncommon for parents and young adults, the problem is that he mistreats your son. 

Before you talk to your son, make sure you think through your wording and the way you characterize the problem.  Make it clear that the way dad behaves is unacceptable, that you know he is being a jerk, and that you apologize for not sticking up for him more in the past. I agree with those who say therapy is in order, preferably for everyone, but go alone if you have to. Online therapy is available as well. You are going to need support and advice to improve the situation. 

Meanwhile, I'd give dh fair warning that I was going to be calling him out.  If he calls ds lazy, "He is not lazy and you know it. Son, he is wrong and I know you are a hard worker." If he complains that your ds is rude, "He is actually very polite and you know it. Son, he is wrong. Your teachers all say you are polite, and I'm proud of the considerate young man that you are." If he talks about a race your ds lost or a class he failed, "Son, don't let him discourage you. Everyone fails at times, including your father, who is currently failing to show manners. I am proud of you for trying." 

Do this whether you are at home or in the middle of a huge party. If dh storms off, then so be it. Your son is more important than his anger or embarrassment. I would also be perfectly willing to walk off myself, with ds in tow, when dh is being a jerk. Your son also needs permission to walk away on his own, assuming that dad is just going to get mad rather than stupidly punitive about it. 

You said you've tried to talk to your husband about it many times, which is good, but have you ever told him it's damaging the marital relationship, not just the father-son one? Have you told him how disappointed you are in his behavior - not just because it hurts ds, but because it is not the way a good person, much less a good father, behaves? When you talk to dh, take the spotlight off of how it hurts your ds and you, and shine it directly on his own behavior. When you talk about how you and ds feel, it allows him to mentally deflect the responsibility from his behavior to your reactions (which he will try to characterize as overreactions, even if just to himself). The fact of the matter is that certain behaviors are wrong, no matter how the other person reacts. If you are rude, then you are wrong, whether or not you hurt the other person's feelings. 

You say that dh is very defensive when confronted about his poor behavior (common human failing for sure!), so you might consider writing him notes and letters so he can react privately. This will also let you choose your words carefully, and perhaps list specific things you would like him to do or not do.  

I wouldn't be encouraging family or father-son time while ds is being treated poorly or like a nuisance. If your ds is miserable at the dinner table, then family dinners are simply counter-productive. I would try to set up positive activities and rituals with ds and myself only, in order to both support him and to build our relationship. You cannot change your husband's actions, you can only focus on your own. 

teachermom2834 said some great things about acknowledgement and apology. 

You can do this. You can be strong enough to defend and support your son. When you don't feel strong, think about what you would do if your son was about to be hit by a speeding train. You'd run right in front of that train to push him out of the way, wouldn't you? If you can do that, you can confront this problem with bravery and resolution. 

 

 

[Kanin]

I didn't have a great relationship with my father growing up. I knew that he was upfront with my mom about never wanting kids. For the most part I don't have too many memories of him, although we lived in the same house until my parents divorced when I was about 13. I was not mistreated thankfully, but I never really felt like he enjoyed my company. I'm not sure if that's true or not because I've never brought it up with him, but that's how I remember it. Mostly I was mad a lot because he was not as good to my mom as I thought he should be, and that made it hard for me to enjoy HIS company. 

I have tons of awesome memories with my mom growing up. I think of my mom as my mom, my father as my father, but not them together as "my parents." They are separate in my mind.

Things got a lot better with my dad when I became an adult. We had more things to talk about. We now have a good-but-distant relationship with occasional phone calls and a visit every decade or so. It's fine with me. I do feel a bit jealous of other people with fantastic relationships with their dads, but I've made peace with it. 

I'm not sure how this helps you at all... my story is a bit different than yours... but I want to give you hope that your relationship with your son can still be a good one. 

[Tanaqui]

You've certainly put this off a bit late. At this point in time, your relationship with your son might be irreparably damaged. I suggest you go and apologize to him for minimizing his father's behavior and not standing up for him more, and ask him to go to family therapy with you. Yes, with you, because you are part of this toxic dynamic between your son and your husband. (I hope you could get your husband to go as well, but you may not have success there.)

[Alicia64]

((((Bensmom)))),

Not being with you, I know exactly nothing, but I'll add my thoughts.

Ben needs to be told that none of this has anything to do with him. He needs to hear that he's an incredible, wonderful person and that people in the world will absolutely adore him. (I would say this to him in one form or another every day for the rest of his life.)

My thought is that your dh is projecting the terrible relationships he had w/ his mom or dad onto your son. Your dh doesn't understand this, but he isn't "seeing" your son. He truly believes that your son is irritating him. No. The relationship dh is responding to is something from his past. Your ds is just in the "wrong place, wrong time."

There's a line of thought that goes like this: the mom teaches the baby/child about him or herself. The dad teaches the child about the world. (In other words, the dad is the first "other" from the world that the child gets to know.)

I'm sending you every positive thought I can muster. I would find an amazing child therapist. And if you don't like the first one, go to a second and so on. Some therapists are awesome, some magical, and some just meh. Prepare yourself for the search.

Take good care of yourself -- Ben needs you.

W.

Edited December 27, 2020 by Alicia64
spelling.

[Bensmom]

Thank-you for all the honest and blunt responses. Reading your responses has helped me step back and look at our family dynamic from a new perspective and made me realize that I need to change my response. 
 

For those who wondered how I allowed the situation to go on so long, I think it has been easier to deal with years past only because my husband was working and traveling a lot. When he was gone, his time with our son was so limited he made a little more effort and even when he was ignoring our son it wasn’t as noticeable because he wasn’t home much. Since Covid, my husband is not traveling and has been home a lot. The increased family time has definitely intensified the tension. 
 

I hate confrontation and am not a very assertive person, but you helped me see I need to be a better advocate for my son. I have tried to not confront my husband in front of my son because I didn’t want to argue in front of him, but ds needs to see that I am actually standing up for him. Thank-you for pointing that out to me. I think I will also try writing my husband a letter. I think that will help give him time to process privately and be less defensive. Unfortunately, my husband is not interested in counseling but my son and I may seek out a counselor. 
 

Thank-you again for your thoughtful responses. You helped me see that I am not helpless in this situation and there are things I can do (and need to do) that might make a difference for ds. 

[SquirrellyMama]

((Hugs)) I do understand what you are going through. My dh does not have a good relationship with our son. And, he probably won't be coming home to visit much. I am ok with that. I would prefer to visit him else where. 

I think in my situation it is because my son is the spitting image of his dad, but is so different from him. Why that makes it so hard for him I don't know. I would guess he also had a so so relationship with his own dad.

I have stood up for my son, but generally not in front of him. That isn't always the best idea. The kid might think it is, but that could cause more problems. I do talk to my son about it.

If he blames me so be it. I can't do it all. My dad and I had a rough relationship, I don't blame my mom for it. He was his own person.

Sorry for the rambling 🙂 Just know you aren't alone. 

Kelly

[Happy2BaMom]

I doubt your husband will even consider counseling, but my recommendations are to definitely ask him and definitely recommend tell your son that your husband has rejected the idea, emphasizing that you think it's very important but he, per usual, has no interest. That could be a nice opening to you recommending that you and Ben attend counseling, with the explanation of much of what you've written here.....that you went along in past years because ______________________________________, but the spending time together during the pandemic has made it utterly clear that _____________________________________ and you've had rather an epiphany of how utterly unacceptable and damaging this behavior is. I encourage you to also express your feelings...."this has really hurt my heart.....I'm really concerned that you'll carry this forward....etc etc"

Your son might resist counseling as well (following the male example), so perhaps you can think of acceptable reasons for him to attend. It's really important that he go. He has the rejecting voice of his father in his head now & it will follow him around for years unless he gets some professional help pulling that voice out & critically examining it.

And you examining your role / dynamic in this relationship is equally important, too, although I fully recognize that you meant well over the years, and probably hoped to keep your family together & peaceful.......but, honestly, some of what you wrote in the OP is really screwed up (no offense intended), and your dh, no matter his other positive qualities, has completely written the script in your head (IMHO) for what is happening in your family, and he's been successful in getting you to really compartmentalize what's been going on with your child.

Best of luck, hugs....and move forward from here. Many of us have spent years unearthing unconscious patterns (I'm *still* doing that) and you're not a bad person for the fact that it didn't happen instantly at the start. This could even be a very good example for your son that it's never too late to start trying to learn healthy relationship patterns.

Edited December 29, 2020 by Happy2BaMom