melissel Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 (edited) At our hotel this weekend, there was a very large, very friendly group of extended family staying at the same time we were. They took over the main lobby one morning (breakfast area), spread out all over the floor, on the couches, and across all the tables. I expressed visible surprise when the elevator door opened one morning to find so many people in there (the previous few mornings had been very quiet), then sort of hemmed and hawed looking for a table for the kids and myself. One man kindly jumped up and offered to clear some space for me, but I declined because DH wasn't down yet anyway, grabbed some coffee and muffins, and took the kids back upstairs. Later that day we passed each other in the hallway, and he apologized for the family taking up so much space that morning. We chatted and chuckled for second, then we parted. I saw him again outside as I was loading up my mom's car (he was loading up his), and we waved. A few minutes later my mom came out with the girls and took them for a little walk. He called them over to his car and offered them homemade cupcakes (my mom was with them). WWYD in this situation? Would you have let them take the cupcakes, knowing (generally) who this guy was? Would you have held fast to the "no sweets from a stranger" rule? Would it make any difference if you were northerners in a southern state (the whole family was very obviously southern as well)? I'm curious to see what others' responses are. TIA! Edited November 30, 2008 by melissel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I would have let my children take the cupcakes..... He obviously felt bad for taking up so much room.... I don't understand why you wouldn't accept the cupcakes.... Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I have to admit, being a true blue Southern Belle, that I would have taken them . . . but being truly suspicious of anything not cooked in my own kitchen, we wouldn't have eaten them. We'd have disposed of them discreetly once safely in our own room/home. Not pretty . . . but that's my truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 In that situation, I would have let my kids have them. But I'm was born & raised in TN, so maybe that has something to do with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I would have been fine with my kids accepting the treat. Because they were with your mom, obviously he wasn't a perv of any kind, just the friendly sort. And, it's unlikely that your kids would ever see him again, so it's not likely that he was trying to initiate some kind of unwelcome relationship. As long as your mom has sound jugement, I would have let her make the choice at the time. Being from the North and generally liking my private space, I do find the friendliness of some Southerners at bit intrusive, but understand the good intentions. It sounds like his intentions were kind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam "SFSOM" in TN Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 WWYD in this situation? Would you have let them take the cupcakes, knowing (generally) who this guy was? Would you have held fast to the "no sweets from a stranger" rule? Would it make any difference if you were northerners in a southern state (the whole family was very obviously southern as well)? I'm curious to see what others' responses are. TIA! I would have taken the cakes for the simple reason that I doubt the entire reason for his visit was a huge ruse in order to lure you into accepting, unawares, poisoned homemade cupcakes. Nor were they offered with any intention to lure you or yours into his [already overcrowded] car. It was a very friendly gesture offered with good will, and should have been received as such. Even, I think, if you did not ultimately take the cupcakes. (And a good will-filled response can absolutely be a kindly refusal, sincerely offered. But only if you just don't want the cupcakes or don't think the children should have the sugar, etc.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 We let our kids have a cupcake from an elderly lady on Halloween. Okay, dh let them have it. I went along with it and they didn't die. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeanestMomInMidwest Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 At our hotel this weekend, there was a very large, very friendly group of extended family staying at the same time we were. They took over the main lobby one morning (breakfast area), spread out all over the floor, on the couches, and across all the tables. I expressed visible surprise when the elevator door opened one morning to find so many people in there (the previous few mornings had been very quiet), then sort of hemmed and hawed looking for a table for the kids and myself. One man kindly jumped up and offered to clear some space for me, but I declined because DH wasn't down yet anyway, grabbed some coffee and muffins, and took the kids back upstairs. Later that day we passed each other in the hallway, and he apologized for the family taking up so much space that morning. We chatted and chuckled for second, then we parted. I saw him again outside as I was loading up my mom's car (he was loading up his), and we waved. A few minutes later my mom came out with the girls and took them for a little walk. He called them over to his car and offered them homemade cupcakes (my mom was with them). WWYD in this situation? Would you have let them take the cupcakes, knowing (generally) who this guy was? Would you have held fast to the "no sweets from a stranger" rule? Would it make any difference if you were northerners in a southern state (the whole family was very obviously southern as well)? I'm curious to see what others' responses are. TIA! Well, considering the fact that an adult was with your children, I'd guess the guy was (don't be shocked....) actually being NICE. I would give a different answer if: a) you had never seen him before b) your kids were without an adult and/or out of your sight when he offered cupcakes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I would have taken them also, to be gracious, but wouldn't have eaten them. I know, suspicious, but still... My motto always is "Better safe than sorry".:001_smile: I would have probably then explained to the kids how it was only polite to take them, we wouldn't want to make him feel bad, etc... and then I would have either said that we don't need any more sweets, or something. I'm not sure. DD is paranoid enough about things, so I don't know if I would have gotten into the whole "taking food from strangers" or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I agree with Pam that the likelihood of him having sabotaged the cupcakes is very slim. It sounds like the encounter in the parking lot itself was unplanned. I'd take the cupcakes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Interesting responses! Thank you all. My mom did not let them accept them cupcakes. He reasoning was not that the guy himself was an issue (though she's also concerned about food cooked in someone else's kitchen). She was more concerned about the message it would have sent the kids--a strange man they don't know (even though I did), by his car, calling them over and offering them treats. When we run stranger danger scenarios with them, that's one of the things we emphasize--if someone tries to call you over to their car for ANY reason (treats, food, Come look at this puppy I found! Is it yours?, asking for directions, etc.), you RUN. She didn't even let the kids go over to the man's car. She told him she was very sorry, but we're paranoid people from New Jersey (:scared: :rolleyes: :lol:), and we don't allow the kids to accept sweets from strangers. I think he was a little miffed, but I didn't hear the whole exchange because I was buried in the car, moving stuff around. I was really torn though. I would have felt moved to accept the cupcakes, but I think my mom might be right on this one in terms of the larger lesson. She felt very guilty for not accepting the cupcakes, but she was really concerned about how it would affect the girls' perception of the safety of accepting things from stranger. I guess I just wondered how others might have handled it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I have to admit, being a true blue Southern Belle, that I would have taken them . . . but being truly suspicious of anything not cooked in my own kitchen, we wouldn't have eaten them. We'd have disposed of them discreetly once safely in our own room/home. Not pretty . . . but that's my truth. This is exactly what I would have done, too. Then I would have had a discussion w/dc about graciousness and safety. We've been in situations like this before, especially with older people who like to bake things for halloween trick or treaters, and my dc always smile, say thank you very much, appreciate the offer and effort, but toss it when they get home. Seems somehow wrong when I read it typed here, but that's what we do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAR120C Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 And eaten them too! But then our rule has never been "don't take things from strangers" as much as "listen to your gut instinct" -- if he didn't creep you out and you had no reason to suspect his motives, then I think you can safely take the cupcakes (barring food sensitivities, etc.) If he creeped you out then I wouldn't worry about being polite -- just get out. DS and I have been in situations where he got good examples of each, and his "creep radar" is really really good... scary-good actually. I want him to listen to that "radar" and always take it into consideration, and that includes allowing him to take cupcakes from the non-creepy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I have to admit, being a true blue Southern Belle, that I would have taken them . . . but being truly suspicious of anything not cooked in my own kitchen, we wouldn't have eaten them. We'd have disposed of them discreetly once safely in our own room/home. Not pretty . . . but that's my truth. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 With all the background info you have given, I would have accepted and eaten the cupcakes. It sounds like he was being generous. I think the poisoned food urban legend is way overblown. Furthermore, I think it's the people you know who are more dangerous than the people you don't. The only recent stories of tainted food that come to mind are student-to-teacher and spouses trying to kill each other. There's usually emotion involved in that type of crime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeanestMomInMidwest Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 A man in McDonalds once gave my kids each a dollar bill folded into an elephant. He walked over to the table, complimented them on how well behaved they were and gave them each the gift. My son looked at me and said "why did that man do that?" I explained that some people are just nice like that. Maybe he has grandchildren he never sees, maybe he just likes children. I also explained that it was okay to take it because I was with them. I wonder if I should have screamed for the police or grabbed my children and run away? I don't think everything has to be such a big deal. These situations can be used to teach our children to use common sense, which is far more valuable than teaching our children to fear everything and everyone and assign bad motives to every person we meet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camibami Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I would have enjoyed me some yummy cupcakes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I would have accepted them and let the kids eat them without a qualm. I'm quite the watchful mama, but if I'm not going to worry about some lunatic poisoning the ketchup dispenser at Mickey D's, I'm not going to worry about a family handing out poisoned cupcakes. Your mom has a valid point regarding kids approaching cars - not wise if they were alone, but my kids would know to look to me or grandma for permission (both to accept and then eat the cupcake). I don't teach 'stranger danger' because we talk to strangers all the time, and have met some neat people that way. Not only would we have eaten the cupcakes, we wouldn't have hesitated to join this family on an outing or in their room for games and conversation (had the opportunity arisen). I will second KAR1200's notion of listening to your gut instinct. Discretion and trusting your instincts is harder to teach than 'don't talk to strangers' but more rewarding and effective, imo. We have stricter rules for when the kids are less closely supervised, but the best time to learn how to interact with 'strangers' is in the presence of a watchful adult. In this case, your mom could have allowed it, but then explained why this is different than a relative stranger approaching an unsupervised child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 I wonder if I should have screamed for the police or grabbed my children and run away? I don't think everything has to be such a big deal. No one said it was a big deal, and no one screamed and ran away. My mom, unsure of what to do and in spite of her sense of guilt, responded politely, thanked the man, and opted on the side of sending a consistent safety message to a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old (who has stated that she has big strong muscles and can get away from anyone who might want to steal her). Honestly, I'm so surprised that it doesn't seem ambiguous to anyone that we would tell children to avoid strangers who call them to their cars and offer them things, and then the first time it actually happens, we would tell them to go on over to help themselves. Maybe it really is a paranoid NJ thing? I'm just not convinced about the whole "Gift of Fear" argument. In this situation, my mom's instincts were screaming at her to keep the kids away and not accept the offer, yet mine would have allowed me to accept the cupcakes. Who's right? What about all the people whose instincts have said, "Sure, go ahead!" and who were then victimized? I don't know. I've always had a problem with it. I've often considered starting a thread about it, actually. No time right now though... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Well, considering the fact that an adult was with your children, I'd guess the guy was (don't be shocked....) actually being NICE. Oh Meanie, you're so funny. Don't you know there is no such thing as someone "actually being nice." :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Oh Meanie, you're so funny. Don't you know there is no such thing as someone "actually being nice." :lol: Again, my mom wasn't worried about the guy being nice. She knew who he was, and she didn't think that the cupcakes were poisoned (though she did wonder how old they were, considering the guy had been staying in a hotel for four days!). She was worried about my girls (who are young) seeing her contradict our lessons regarding taking things from people you don't know out of the backs of cars in parking lots. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I think your mom did what she thought best at the time. It might have irritated the man for a moment but I'm sure he's recovered! And your girls have had a consistent lesson in not taking food from strangers. You asked WWYD however, and as I stated earlier, I would have taken the cupcakes. But that's because our lesson was "do not take food from strangers unless Mommy or Daddy says its ok." But you and your mom know your particular kids. You know if you have a child who will see this as a "loophole" to go through when she wants to or if it will truly cause confusion in some way. So don't take our different take on the situation too seriously! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Again, my mom wasn't worried about the guy being nice. She knew who he was, and she didn't think that the cupcakes were poisoned (though she did wonder how old they were, considering the guy had been staying in a hotel for four days!). She was worried about my girls (who are young) seeing her contradict our lessons regarding taking things from people you don't know out of the backs of cars in parking lots. I understand this concern, but I think it's ok to teach children that parents/grandparents have learned to discern "ok" from "not ok", and I would have encouraged my kids to respond positively to the offer since they were in my presence. I also would have told them later (privately) that since they're not old enough to have good skills about judging the actions of strangers, that they were of course not to ever partake without someone (me, grandma, etc.) to watch over them. Teaching kids that strangers can be dangerous is a lot different (imo) than teaching them to flee from people's good intentions. I think giving children the sense that they must be constantly watchful, and even fearful, must be balanced with teaching them to see the good in the world and the vast numbers of strangers who reside there. :001_smile: Your mom's choice wasn't wrong, of course, and I'm glad she's watching out for your dc, but I think the choice is still a little....sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
herbalgirl Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I think your mom did what she thought best at the time. It might have irritated the man for a moment but I'm sure he's recovered! And your girls have had a consistent lesson in not taking food from strangers. You asked WWYD however, and as I stated earlier, I would have taken the cupcakes. But that's because our lesson was "do not take food from strangers unless Mommy or Daddy says its ok." But you and your mom know your particular kids. You know if you have a child who will see this as a "loophole" to go through when she wants to or if it will truly cause confusion in some way. So don't take our different take on the situation too seriously! :iagree: Your mom did a good job, what she thought was best in that situation and I applaud her for it. As for me, if I had been the one with my children standing there, I probably would've accepted the cupcakes and let the kids eat them, but I agree with the above poster on explaining your reasoning for accepting them. There are always going to be exceptions to whatever rules you make. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracesteacher Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I would not have taken the cupcakes. I would have politely called out that my dd has sever food allergies and is on a special diet. That would have been the honest truth. My two year old has been trained to say no I have allergies any time anyone but mom or dad offers her food (it doesnt always stop her but she at least says it) I dont think that there is a right or a wrong as we all parent differently. I think for your life and in that situation with the ages of your children your mom did the correct thing. If it had been someone else family it may not have been the right thing as it would have been a contradiction of what the children in that home have been taught. So tell your mom job well done and buy those girls a cupcake! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieAir Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I'm sure the man understood after thinking about it. I understand your reasons, too, although I would have allowed my kids to walk over to the car with me (or grandma), accept the cupcakes, say thank you, and then eat the cupcakes. I don't believe in teaching children to never talk to strangers or never accept things from strangers though. I think children need to learn to judge based on the situation and the person. Young children should not talk to strangers unless they are with a trusted adult or they are lost or seeking help for some other reason. In case of being lost or needing help, I let my children know who they should look for--store personnel, police, mothers with children, etc--people I felt were safer choices. People teach their children differently, though. What I think is a little funny is folks who would never allow their children to speak to a stranger but who encourage them to sit on Santa's lap and accept a candy cane or go trick or treating.:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I have to admit, being a true blue Southern Belle, that I would have taken them . . . but being truly suspicious of anything not cooked in my own kitchen, we wouldn't have eaten them. We'd have disposed of them discreetly once safely in our own room/home. Not pretty . . . but that's my truth. :iagree: This is EXACTLY what we do. Even when older men offer my kids candy and such. We take it, thank them, and throw it away in the car or at home. I just don't let my kids eat candy from strangers. Even people I have spoken to twice. LOL P.S. I was born and raised in the south - lived in either TN or GA all my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Honestly, I'm so surprised that it doesn't seem ambiguous to anyone that we would tell children to avoid strangers who call them to their cars and offer them things, and then the first time it actually happens, we would tell them to go on over to help themselves. Maybe it really is a paranoid NJ thing? I guess the biggest difference is that a trusted adult was with the kids. I tell my kids the same thing about strangers - not to even talk to strangers...but I add in "if mommy, daddy, etc. that you know and trust are not around." My kids have even questioned me on it before when they see me talk to someone I don't know and allow them to do the same. I tell them it is OKAY as long as mommy is with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Interesting responses! Thank you all. My mom did not let them accept them cupcakes. He reasoning was not that the guy himself was an issue (though she's also concerned about food cooked in someone else's kitchen). She was more concerned about the message it would have sent the kids--a strange man they don't know (even though I did), by his car, calling them over and offering them treats. When we run stranger danger scenarios with them, that's one of the things we emphasize--if someone tries to call you over to their car for ANY reason (treats, food, Come look at this puppy I found! Is it yours?, asking for directions, etc.), you RUN. She didn't even let the kids go over to the man's car. She told him she was very sorry, but we're paranoid people from New Jersey (:scared: :rolleyes: :lol:), and we don't allow the kids to accept sweets from strangers. I think he was a little miffed, but I didn't hear the whole exchange because I was buried in the car, moving stuff around. I was really torn though. I would have felt moved to accept the cupcakes, but I think my mom might be right on this one in terms of the larger lesson. She felt very guilty for not accepting the cupcakes, but she was really concerned about how it would affect the girls' perception of the safety of accepting things from stranger. I guess I just wondered how others might have handled it. To me the big difference in the stranger danger scenario and the scenario with your mom is that your children were with a trusted adult. It's kind of like telling your kids not to talk to strangers and then not letting them talk to cashiers, etc. when they are with you. But the big issue now is that I'm hungry for a good cupcake :lol:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Honestly, I'm so surprised that it doesn't seem ambiguous to anyone that we would tell children to avoid strangers who call them to their cars and offer them things, and then the first time it actually happens, we would tell them to go on over to help themselves. Maybe it really is a paranoid NJ thing? Nope. I would have taken them and let my kids eat them (assuming they weren't already loaded up on junk.) Not only that, but I'd be a cupcake giver, too. In fact, I set out leftover cupcakes from my sister's engagement party at the front desk of the Embassy Suites in Parsippany last year. :D My kids know there is a difference between interacting with a stranger when they're alone and interacting with a stranger with Mom/Grandma/Uncle, etc. There *has to be, or we'd all be stuck in our little bubbles forever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cranberrymom Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I would eat it and and tell my kids I need to test it in case it has poison. That is our family joke when pulling out sweets! But really, I would have taken them without a second thought. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Well melissa, I'm with your mother. I'd have done the same as politely as possible. #1 Predators are all about taking advantage of opportunity. No they might not have driven to the hotel with the purpose of finding prey, but they sure wouldn't miss it if they could. #2 Predators don't care about an adult being there. In fact, most of the time they build trust with a child while adults are around so the child will feel more comfortable when the adults aren't around later. #3 I agree it's rare that someone gets a poisoned or a perv. That's little comfort to the parents when their kid is one of the select targets. #4 It would have set a confusing precident. I agree with your mother again. I think it's confusing to tell a kid don't ever let a stranger bribe you to come to their car, well except when it's a sorta nice looking acting stranger that you saw in passing at the hotel. #5 I would have said no b/c he asked my kids and not me. I think it's terribly rude to not ask the parent first before offering their kids anything, esp food. That said, I wouldn't have made a big thing out of it. I'd have just said, "No thanks!" with a cheery smile and wave and moved on presuming the guy was just a nice guy, but not interested in his cupcakes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeanestMomInMidwest Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Oh Meanie, you're so funny. Don't you know there is no such thing as someone "actually being nice." :lol: I'm learning, Audrey! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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