caedmyn Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 *please don't quote, will delete later for privacy* I had a friend who I've been friends with for about 20 years though we have not lived in the same area for most of that time. The past few years we got pretty close to each other. She was always super supportive and non-judgy and one of the very few people I talked to about some hard things with my kids. She's had some hard things in her life too and has told me several times that she really appreciated my support and friendship. We typically see each other a couple times a year and talk on the phone a few more times and text every few weeks, sometimes more. Last summer we talked on the phone and she didn't seem herself. Usually she's a good listener and I feel heard when I talk to her. This time she talked over me and didn't seem to listen the entire conversation, no matter the topic. A month later we saw each other briefly at an event and she was basically cold to me. Normally she's always super bubbly and enthusiastic to everyone and she acted like I was someone she barely knew and didn't want to talk to. A few days after this I sent her a text saying I felt like there was some distance between us and asking if I'd said something that bothered her. She replied that she had a busy couple of days coming up but would reply soon. I never got a response. About a month later I sent her a "thinking of you" text. Two weeks later she responded, "Thank you caedmyn". I can't really explain it but that response felt just like a slap in the face. She tends to be slow to respond in general and a delay of a few days or even a week before responding wouldn't be unusual, but normally the response is along the lines of "Thank you!!". It just felt really cold and uncaring. I haven't had any contact with her since. This was 4-5 months ago. I've really really struggled with the loss of this friendship, and I have some negative feelings toward her now. I've gone over and over that last phone conversation trying to figure out what I might have said that could have bothered her so much. I cannot think of anything that could have been so heinous she would have basically ended the friendship on the spot (and I'm pretty careful about what I say and how I say it in general). Even if I did say something that really bothered her, I cannot fathom how someone can go from telling you how much your support and friendship means to them, to nothing without even attempting to talk about it. DH made a comment about the whole thing the other day that started me thinking about how it was really out of character for her to say she would respond to something and then never respond, and since then I've been wondering if she sent a response that I didn't get, and then was hurt/upset/angry thinking that I didn't care. It seems pretty unlikely. But I've been debating about whether to send another text to her about it. I would say something like, "Hey, I wanted to reach out in case there was a misunderstanding. I didn't receive a response to that text I sent asking if I said something that bothered you, and it doesn't seem like you to say you'd respond and then not do it. If you choose not to respond, I accept that you didn't wish to continue the friendship at this time, and there's no need to respond to this. If you did send a response, I never got, and I hope that you will resend it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 I have a friend who does that to me occasionally. They do it because they have stuff and know I have stuff, so want to protect me from theirs. The worst your person can do is ignore you again, so there's probably no harm in trying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xahm Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 Texts do get lost or garbled sometimes, and sometimes things just get so overwhelming that someone who normally respond doesn't. I'd send another attempt at reaching out, but I wouldn't include the party about her possibly wanting to end the friendship as there could be so many other explanations and I wouldn't want to jump to that. If go with something like, "Hey, I was just thinking of you. How's life? If you sent a response to that other text, I didn't get it. No worries if you haven't gotten around to it yet, but if you sent it and my phone ate it, I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 I’d just say, hey how are things? Let’s talk soon! (Breezy, unfraught.). 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 22 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said: I’d just say, hey how are things? Let’s talk soon! (Breezy, unfraught.). This is a good response. Wait a while and send a casual text asking how things are going with her and a light comment about the latest happenings in your life: e.g. what chocolate you are buying for your kids for valentines or Easter or some such thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beaners Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 I would personally leave off the part mentioning the previous message. I am someone whose life gets busy and I completely blank on messages until it has been too long, then forget, then remember and it has been even longer... A message mentioning that I hadn't answered would make me more anxious and less likely to respond. But that's just me! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 I'd probably just send a text that says something along the lines of I miss talking with you. I hope everything is going okay. (hugs) - or whatever is appropriate along that line. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 I would probably say something like "Hi, it's been a while. I hope everything is going well in your neck of the woods. Would love to get together or chat sometime! Drop me a line?" I would not mention the negative vibes you are getting as that would likely make her defensive and like talking to you is going to be emotionally fraught. My guess is that one of 4 things was going on: She was talking over you AND you were talking over her ... she had something she wanted to tell you and didn't feel like you were listening and it was too sensitive an issue to ram it through. She heard something that made her think you were against her or her values - could have been something you said without realizing it, or something another person told her that is or isn't true. She or someone she listens to has talked her into believing she has outgrown your friendship / that your friendship isn't good for her right now. She really has been overwhelmed with something that you are unaware of. Or possibly she is on a medication that changes her outward personality. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 coming to this as someone who doesn't really like confrontation and doesn't like to talk about my feelings. I would leave off asking her (again) about a possible misunderstanding. I would send a "Hi!! how are you doing? Wanna get together sometime soon?" Make it inviting and friendly... not "what is wrong with you?" YMMV. Hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 I'll play the devil's advocate. She's blown you off or been cold to you three times. I don't know why, but she's trying to drop you. It probably has nothing to do with you specifically. But the fact is you and your friendship aren't a priority. I'd let the friendship drop and be cold the next time you run into her. She may apologize but chances are you will probably never be close again. Grieve however you need to and move on. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 (edited) So...I am a little bitter about the friendship thing because I was recently blindsided and hurt very badly by someone I thought was a very good friend. We had a lot in common, shared a lot of laughs and also the hard stuff, and our boys were best friends. I was generally more support for her than she was for me, but I valued the friendship and tried to help her as much as I could. A few years after we started our friendship, she was getting weird. Not responding to emails as often or as quickly, not getting together as much (which meant my boys didn't see their best friend as much either). Then, after asking what was wrong, anything I could do to help (her life and marriage are really a mess), etc. for months, she finally sent me a very long email (on Mother's Day no less) crapping all over me and telling me how horrible my DH and I were as parents and this long list of things she didn't like about me. I was shocked! She brought up all these instances of things happening and her interpretation of them. My boys saw the email at the same time I did and, after I read it, I decided to let them read it too because it affected them and they were there and witnesses for all these things she had issues with (and because they were not going to quit hounding me to let them read it). Anyway, at the end of her email (it was over 3.5 pages when cut and pasted into Word), she told me it took a lot for her to write all this out and she didn't know what it meant for our friendship. She added that, of course, the boys would always be friends. Well...after 3 weeks of crying and wondering what I did wrong, looking over emails and texts, and going through all our conversations in my head, I realized she had the problem - not me! I took the high road and responded to her email, but I did not say so much of what I wanted to say. Her biggest mistake was assuming she knew where I was coming from and what I was thinking and never talking about any of this with me prior to sending her email. 6 months worth of stuff. It was horrible and really knocked me for a loop. I know my heart and actions were from a place of love so, while I am not perfect, I know I was a very good friend to her. I also know that she is a fake with everyone else because she doesn't want them to know what is going on in her life. Not me assuming that...she directly said that on more than one occasion. I guess I was the lucky one she let in. I had felt like I was slowly breaking away from our friendship too (one of those situations where she complained a lot, but wasn't willing to try and make a change), but I would NEVER had done to her what she did to me. Who does that to a friend and a fellow mom? Anyway, it has taken me a year and half to get past it. I have forgiven her (in my heart because she doesn't think she is in the wrong) on New Year's Day and am not thinking of her as often, which is good. She doesn't deserve anymore of my energy. I used to plan my "real" response to her email in my head a lot -- LOL!!! My boys are not friends with her son anymore, as his mom wrote in her email to me that her son shared her sentiments (knowing her, I'm pretty sure he never read her email to me nor would she let him see my response). That was the end of it for my boys. Unfortunately, they have to see him 6 days a week in the summer for our summer swim team (that I got him onto - stupid me) and they have been cordial to him, which is so hard considering what they know about him and his mom. Sorry for venting here, but sometimes it is better not to know. Maybe reach out one more time and then let it go. It is hard to lose a good friend though. I get it!! I know with my ex-friend, that what she was writing about had more to do with what was going on with her than me. For example, being upset that my DH decided to be a coach for our baseball league and her son not getting on our team (which was a big reason we did that so we could get him on our team - we really tried and it was the only way the boys even had a chance to be on the same team). While she didn't say it (she didn't have to), she was more upset that this wasn't an option for her because she hates her husband and would never allow him to coach. She didn't even want him at the games. Stuff like that. Anyway, I hope you get some answers, but maybe not getting them is better for you. Sorry you are dealing with this at all... Edited January 31, 2020 by mlktwins Edited to fix my typos and add a few minor words. I was rushing to get out the door to biology lab when I was writing it :-). 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 It seems to me you've reached out multiple times in positive, tactful, kind ways and she has chosen not to respond and reconnect. I don't think there's anything else you can do. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted January 31, 2020 Author Share Posted January 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Katy said: I'll play the devil's advocate. She's blown you off or been cold to you three times. I don't know why, but she's trying to drop you. It probably has nothing to do with you specifically. But the fact is you and your friendship aren't a priority. I'd let the friendship drop and be cold the next time you run into her. She may apologize but chances are you will probably never be close again. Grieve however you need to and move on. This is what I am thinking. The things that have happened may seem like small things, but I have gotten the clear message that she is done. DH said the other day that maybe she'll come around some time. I replied that I don't think it would matter if she did, the friendship is over, because how could I ever trust that she wouldn't do this again? The only way I can see the friendship being resumed on any level, is either for her to come to me and say she was having some personal issues and needed to step back and then apologizing to me for doing it, or for her to bring up whatever it is I said that bothered her and we actually talk through it and then there would need be a talk about how I need assurance that she won't do this again in order for me to be able to resume the friendship in any form. I am just really done trying to be close to people. This is the third time I've been badly hurt by a close friend (twice by the same person, who, ironically, I'm now fairly close to again after she matured a lot and choose to reach out to me and support me a couple years ago when I was going through a really rough time). 16 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said: It seems to me you've reached out multiple times in positive, tactful, kind ways and she has chosen not to respond and reconnect. I don't think there's anything else you can do. Yes, I agree. I would be reaching out for her benefit really, on the off chance that she did send a response that I didn't respond to because I didn't get it, and if that was the case she's probably been feeling some of the same feelings I've been feeling about her. And also because I'll have to see her two or three times a year at events, and feeling like there's a teeny tiny chance that she did send a response that I didn't get will make seeing her even more uncomfortable than it's already going to be. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted January 31, 2020 Author Share Posted January 31, 2020 1 hour ago, mlktwins said: So...I am a little bitter about the friendship thing because I was recently blindsided and hurt very badly by someone I thought was a very good friend. We had a lot in common, shared a lot of laughs and also the hard stuff, and our boys were best friends. I was generally more support for her than she was for me, but I valued the friendship and tried to help her as much as I could. A few years after we started our friendship, she was getting weird. Not responding to emails as often or as quickly, not getting together as much (which meant my boys didn't see their best friend as much either). Then, after asking what was wrong, anything I could do to help )her life and marriage are really a mess), etc. for months, she finally sent me a very long email (on Mother's Day no less), crapping all over me and telling me how horrible my DH and I were as parents and this long list of things she didn't like about me. I was shocked! She brought up all these instances of things happening and her interpretation of them. My boys saw the email at the same time I did and, after I read it, I decided to let them read it too because they were there and witnesses for all these things she had issues with me (and because they were not going to quit hounding me to let them read it). Anyway, at the end of her email (it was over 3.5 pages when cut and pasted into), she told me it took a lot for her to write all this out and she didn't know what it meant for our friendship. She added that, of course, the boys would always friends. Well...after 3 weeks of crying and wondering what I did wrong, looking over emails and texts, and going through all our conversations in my head, I realized she had the problem; not me! I took the high road and responded to her email, but I did not say so much of what I wanted to say. Her biggest mistake was assuming she knew where I was coming from and never talking about any of this with me prior to sending her email. 6 months worth of stuff. It was horrible and really knocked me for a loop. I know my heart and actions were from a place of love so, while I am not perfect, I know I was a very good friend to her. I also know that she is a fake with everyone else because she doesn't want them to know what is going on in her life. Not me assuming that...she directly said that on more than one occasion. I guess I was the lucky one she let in. I had felt like I was slowly breaking away from our friendship too, but I would NEVER had done to her what she did to me. Who does that to a friend and a fellow mom? Anyway, it has taken me a year and half to get past it. I have forgiven her (in my heart) on New Year's Day and am not thinking of her as often, which is good. I used to plan my "real" response to her email in my head a lot -- LOL!!! My boys are not friends with her son anymore, as his mom wrote in her email to me that her son shared her sentiments. That was the end of it for my boys. Unfortunately, they have to see him 6 days a week in the summer for our summer swim team (that I got him onto - stupid me) and they have been cordial to him, which is so hard considering what they know about him and his mom. Sorry for venting here, but sometimes it is better not to know. Maybe reach out one more time and then let it go. It is hard to lose a good friend though. I get it!! I know with my ex-friend, that what she was writing about had more to do with what was going on with her than me. For example, being upset that my DH decided to be a coach for our baseball league and her son not getting on our team (which was a big reason we did that so we could get him on our team). While she didn't say it, she didn't have to, she was more upset that this wasn't an option for her because she hates her husband and would never allow him to coach. She didn't even want him at the games. Stuff like that. Anyway, I hope you get some answers, but maybe not getting them is better for you. Sorry you are dealing with this at all... That is hard. I am sorry your friend did that to you. In this case I would actually prefer to know why. It's really hard to be dumped by someone I was super close to, who I thought was close to me, for no apparent reason. It would be easier for me to process it and move on if I knew the reason. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 (edited) Maybe she went through a rocky patch--stress or mental health challenges can result in personality changes, often temporary ones. Her changed attitude may have nothing at all to do with you or with the friendship itself. Edited January 31, 2020 by maize 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted January 31, 2020 Author Share Posted January 31, 2020 5 minutes ago, maize said: Maybe she went through a rocky patch--stress or mental health challenges can result in personality changes, often temporary ones. Her changed attitude may have nothing at all to do with you or with the friendship itself. I am inclined to think that is not the case here because she seemed to be interacting normally with others at the last event we were both at. It was just me she acted differently around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 1 hour ago, caedmyn said: In this case I would actually prefer to know why. It's really hard to be dumped by someone I was super close to, who I thought was close to me, for no apparent reason. It would be easier for me to process it and move on if I knew the reason. Remember that you have no control over whether or not she does what you prefer. You can only control how you react to what she does. You have reached out more than once in warm, constructive ways, which reflects very positively on you. She has chosen not to respond for whatever unknown reason(s). At this point your energies are best invested in learning how to make peace with never knowing why this happened. If later she comes around on her own and contacts you to discuss it, great. If not, you will have been constructive by learning to let go of it. Learning to accept things we really don't like is just part of life. I come from a family with so many complicated, dysfunctional dynamics. I can tell you from experience that the family members who are doing well psychologically are the ones that can accept difficult truths, make an consistent effort to keep things functional and healthy, and can avoid investing emotional energy in things they have no control over. It's at times compartmentalized and nuanced, which can be challenging, but it gets easier the more you practice it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 2 hours ago, caedmyn said: That is hard. I am sorry your friend did that to you. In this case I would actually prefer to know why. It's really hard to be dumped by someone I was super close to, who I thought was close to me, for no apparent reason. It would be easier for me to process it and move on if I knew the reason. I get it, I really do. I'm glad I know and didn't spend any more of my time and energy on someone who clearly didn't have good intentions towards me. But...the hard part is knowing what her problem was with me, but not really having the opportunity to have my say. That really kind of haunted me for a year and a half. I could have said what I wanted to say, but it would have been pretty mean if I were honest and I had to live with myself. I was hurt very badly by this and I have never had a friend treat me this way. And...we loved her son so much. He was like my 3rd kid and we took him places and he loved being with us. I bought the boys baseballs and we stood in line for 2 hours waiting to get Jayson Werth's autograph when he was rehabbing in the minors. Her son was so very happy and hugged me. He said it was the best day of his life. A year later...I get crapped on. Whatever - it is over and really it is their loss. My DH kept her swim tent in our garage and put it up for her every swim meet so all she had to do was park and walk to her tent and our tents would be next to each other for the boys. He took it down for her every meet too. We did so much for them. Anyway, I just feel like it is unresolved for me because she doesn't really know how I feel in return. The night she sent her email, I wanted to respond. I was so mad! My DH told me to wait and not write a response in anger and I'm glad I did. I did send a short email that night telling her I felt like I was hit by a mac truck and I couldn't believe t that someone I thought knew me so well really didn't know me at all. It is what it is. I do hope you get answers if you really want them. Be prepared to not like what you hear and not have the opportunity to have your say. You may just need to let it go like I did. Such a hard place to be in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dainty Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 Call and have an actual conversation about it. It could go either way, but it will give you more closure and is more effort then a text. You can hear tone, something a text doesn't provide. It leaves less room for misinterpretation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 I think the ball is firmly in her court. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 I would let this go. I would also not take it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 "Closure" is a bit of a unicorn, and there's no point in chasing it... but in this particular case I'd wonder if there might be something wrong at Friend's house or in her life. Do you have mutual friends whom you can sound out, see if they've also been dropped with no warning and no understanding as to why? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 I would let it go. Focus on your other friendships or develop new ones. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted February 13, 2020 Author Share Posted February 13, 2020 This thread has been really helpful for me as far as processing the loss of this friendship. It helped me realize that I was a good friend to her, and when it seemed there was a problem, I did try to open up a way to discuss it and deal with it. I didn't do anything particularly "wrong" even if I did say something that bothered her (which seems likely). I was reading something about attachment styles today (secure, anxious, avoidant) and when I read about the avoidant type, it struck me that my friend had displayed some signs of being avoidant, so in light of that it makes sense that the first time there was a problem, she choose to bail instead of trying to work through it. I ended up sending her this text today: "I'm reaching out in case there was a miscommunication last fall when I sent a text asking if I'd said something that bothered you. If you sent a response, I never got it, and I hope that you will resend it. If you didn't respond, I accept that, and there's no need to respond to this. I hope all is well with you and your family." I don't expect a response, but it was worth sending so that next time I see her I won't have any little lingering thoughts that she might have sent a response that I didn't get. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.