Why, why whyyyyy can't they just get along????

[SereneHome]

This is mostly vent, but if you want to comment - by all means!!

 

You know how when you are having your second baby everyone starts giving you millions on books on how to prepare their sibling....well, I didn't need that.  And then when I was having my 3rd baby....again, I didn't need that!  And I was so smug, saying how all those books are just there to make writers money and who really needs it??

Well.....my kids were sooooo good to each other when they were babies and toddlers.  But now?  It is constant.non.stop fighting and bickering.  They have NOTHING serious to fight about.  Nothing!!!

And yet, every 5 seconds  "mom, he just..."  "MOM!  he said...."  OMG!!! Why can't they just get along?? 

1. I am an only child and was so hoping that my kids will have build-in best friends for life.  Yeah....

[HomeAgain]

😄  From my end, I'm wondering how my standard 2nd baby gift is received.  I give the book Siblings Without Rivalry.  I had close in age siblings growing up and....yeah, non-stop bickering.  If there were olympic medals handed out for annoying a sibling, we would have taken gold, silver, AND bronze!

[JustEm]

My kids are best friend with each other but they also bicker and fight a fair amount.  My go to phrase when they come complaining to me, 'have you talked to them about it.'  I do not get involved in their bickering unless they are hurting each other or they have tried to work the issue out together and can not come up with a solution.  They usually come up with a solution because mine is often that they both have to stop playing whatever they were playing.

[Xahm]

Yeah, I think one of the phrases my kids will joke about when they are grown is "if you can't find a way to play nicely with it, I'm taking it away!"

If it helps boost your morale, my husband and his three brothers were often at each other's throats as kids, physically fighting even, and they are very close now. Even he and his older brother who barely tolerated each other as teens chose to live together for a time as adults in a property they bought jointly.

[Amy in NH]

I've found that kids most often bicker because:

1. They don't listen to each other and treat each other with the respect due to other feeling humans.  Make them stand eye to eye, use active listening skills, and develop empathy for other people.  This includes respecting each other's property.

2. They are in each other's space and need a break from time to time. Let them each have some alone-time.

3. They need more structure.  They don't know what to do with themselves and need to be redirected to constructive outlets for their excess energy.

[JustEm]

3 minutes ago, Amy in NH said:

I've found that kids most often bicker because:

1. They don't listen to each other and treat each other with the respect due to other feeling humans.  Make them stand eye to eye, use active listening skills, and develop empathy for other people.  This includes respecting each other's property.

2. They are in each other's space and need a break from time to time. Let them each have some alone-time.

3. They need more structure.  They don't know what to do with themselves and need to be redirected to constructive outlets for their excess energy.

 

Number 3 is mainly my kids' reason for bickering.

[SereneHome]

8 minutes ago, Amy in NH said:

I've found that kids most often bicker because:

1. They don't listen to each other and treat each other with the respect due to other feeling humans.  Make them stand eye to eye, use active listening skills, and develop empathy for other people.  This includes respecting each other's property.

2. They are in each other's space and need a break from time to time. Let them each have some alone-time.

3. They need more structure.  They don't know what to do with themselves and need to be redirected to constructive outlets for their excess energy.

You know, I think you hit the nail on the head.

You should write a book!  But until you do - thank you for your free advice!!!!

[Liz CA]

Family is the training ground for the real world. They are practicing negotiation skills (well, eventually with your help) and this is very valuable but also very draining for the parents.

I'd encourage working out difficulties among themselves without involving you. It's not going to happen overnight but they can move toward that goal with a little encouragement. If something really minor is being fought over, you could refuse to get involved and tell dd or ds to discuss it with sibling without yelling or touching the sibling. This is good practice. At this point you can also encourage the skill of communication with "I"statements. You may have to sit with them the first few times and coach the exchange.

I can see you rolling your eyes.  🙂 I know, I know - but it can happen within the parameters you are setting and you will send your kiddos into the world with such an important tool because not many learn this at home.

Edited February 18, 2019 by Liz CA

[gardenmom5]

I grew up in a family where fights were frequent, and the feeling of being pitted against each other to gain approbation - strong.  My mother (only child) read so many idiotic parenting books that said to let kids fight it out - she did nothing to intervene.  ever.  as children, we had strained relations at best. as adults - it's barely Christmas card relationships.  I took a more hands on approach  with my now adult children - and they have a good relationship with each other.  It gives me great joy to watch them as they have fun together.

 

it sounds like they are dragging you into the middle - and you're going.  reacting, as opposed to controlling, the situation.   I do take age of the children having a dispute into account - younger siblings will get more support than an older one.  however - I will find out who started it.   if the younger one started it to provoke the older one into getting into trouble - I was unsympathetic to any provoking child.  I would discuss with an older reacting sibling a more constructive way to handle such situations.   e.g. when they were preschool/toddler -   I told 1dd that she was allowed to hold 2dd's hands if she was hitting her, she didn't think it was enough.  however, when she realized 2dd was mad with just her hands being held - so she couldn't hit - 1dd was happy to just hold her hands. 

I knew a dear sweet lady who had two of her "problem" grandchildren for a week.    one was always doing something to the other one to provoke a response, and at home - the responding child would always get in trouble (which breeds more resentment as they were trying to protect themselves).... she watched, and after she was sure what was happening - she let the provoking child know that if ANYTHING happened - HE would be the one in trouble (even if he didn't actually start it that time.).  knowing she meant business - the provoking child did nothing while they were at her house, and both children had a great visit.   - she was also the grandma that had super soaker fights.

 

I've found that more fighting was an indication they needed some more positive attention than they were getting. I didn't bring the fighting into it, just spent more positive/fun time.  squabbles were mostly my boys, now responsible adults and great friends. they have stopped me from complaining about  my perceived harshness of their "correcting" dudeling with "mom, this is how boys relate.  chill."   they all have a good relationship, and even now - they will do things of their own initiative with dudeling to have fun with him. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

The baby brother who got on my nerves like crazy...he’s my closer brother now and my kids favorite uncle. Even though he lives in turkey! 

So as long as you keep it to a bearable level, there’s hope.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I find it best to treat both the complainer and the complainee.  Generally, they are both bored and one is as anxious to annoy as the other is to get annoyed.  

- So both kids get redirected, so that way nobody "wins"/ I don't take a side.

 

[Skippy]

I like the quote: "Parents don't want justice. Parents want quiet."

Siblings argue, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. In general, when you are talking to them, teach them good principles about getting along with each other. But otherwise, try to arrange things so they are not bugging you all of the time with every little disagreement. If they are arguing and come to you with a disagreement about a toy, video game, or TV program, then the toy gets taken away from everybody, the video game or TV gets turned off. In almost every situation, make them bringing you into the argument detrimental to all involved so that they will stop coming to you with every little disagreement. From my experience, this teaches them to resolve their own differences. There is a limit, but maybe it will cut down on 90% of your needing to be involved.

[J-rap]

I don't think it's unusual for siblings to bicker, maybe especially when they're close in age?  

I suppose there's a type of competition thing sometimes, or probably they just get on each other's nerves and their perspective of things is so very limited still that they can't reign in their emotions.  We learned that sometimes the best thing you can do is to teach them how to bicker politely.  

 

So when our kids were caught in an angry bickering moment, we'd have them sit on the living room couch together and talk about it.  Each person would get a turn to talk, and the other would have to listen.  They had to speak politely and listen politely.  Those were the rules.  They might not come to an agreement on anything, but once they each had their say, they had to shake hands and then they could get up and get back to playing. 

Oh, they still had the emotions and would get mad at each other, but at least they learned to encapsulate it in a more respectful tone.  So they'd say "Please don't" while gritting their teeth and seething.  🙂 

My kids are all young adults now and are very close.  They probably all contact each other in one way or another every single day.  

[SereneHome]

I could handle bickering sooo much better if I had hope that they will be good to each other and there for each other once they are adults.  If it's just a phase, you know...

[Create Your Ritual]

My older two were very competitive with each other when homeschooling together all day, which is where I think a lot of the bickering came from. It drove me crazy as well! As they've gotten older, and their lives have become more independent, I've noticed they visit more now. They also enjoy having time alone together to do things without us. And surprisingly they don't argue with each other at all when we aren't around. If/when I come back into the room though .. game on. It may be age, or just that there's a parent in the room to complain to, but they do seem to enjoy each others company a lot more now. Still competitive though. Hang in there. 🙂

Edited February 18, 2019 by SaDonna

[mumto2]

We called my kids the Bicker Twins for years.........our major rule was no fists(a friend’s 3 threw serious punches) and that parents should not have to listen while trying to drive.  It could be pretty dreadful.  They grew out of it.  They are still highly competitive but generallly don’t get really nasty......now it’s sort of a check your facts comment as both are going into the same field.

[mom2att]

I kinda went into it with the idea that I want my kids to know that in relationships, there's only one person whose actions you can control--your own. So I would ask them each, "Are YOU being kind?"

"But he . . ." 

"But she . . ." 

Didn't matter. How are YOU contributing? That generally at least gave them food for thought.

And some days, my mantra was "Since I can't seem to make anybody happy, I might as well make everybody miserable." And they all got in trouble for not getting along. But it didn't happen very often, and now they are all big kids who get along and like each other.

 

[RootAnn]

A couple of mine got along a lot worse when they were little. I dislike bickering, but when a sibling is in trouble, several of their biggest bicker-partners have their back. (Like my older brother said growing up, "I can pick on you, but no one outside the family can do the same thing or they'll have me to answer to." If they get too loud, I'll separate/hush them/take away whatever they are fighting over. The most humorous arguments are usually over group imaginative storylines they are developing together like whether the dragon can breathe fire in space since there is no air. 

Two of my sibs that were at each other's throats the most still clash as adults, so it doesn't always work out.

I'm hopeful that my kids will get along well as adults, but they'll probably not be super close friends and their kids probably also won't be close to each other. 

[Farrar]

Mine are a little weird since they're twins, but I'm definitely feeling this. I mean, they were so in sync and sweet as little kids. Once we hit the teen years, oh the bickering. For us, I feel like it's part of the separation process. No, your sibling is not you. He may be genetically the same, but that does not mean he will agree with you about music or TV shows. It definitely does not mean you don't have to knock.

[Meriwether]

I dislike bickering a lot. I grew up in a generally peaceful home. Some days are fine; some days it seems like bickering never ends. But I also don't like telling the kids to work it out themselves, when I know good and well that some kids are more likely to get their way 95% of the time, whether that is due to age or personality or both. That doesn't mean I solve all their disagreements. Usually I remind them to be loving and give more pointed reminders when a particular kid seems to need one. Especially if a kid seems to be having an issue with multiple siblings some day. It is a good life skill to notice when you are the common denominator in a series of disagreements.

[maize]

Kids are by definition immature; their various immaturities tend to grate against each other.

Most of the stuff my siblings and I bickered over as kids is stuff we eventually just grew out of.

[Storygirl]

I agree with Meriwether's caution that the "let them work it out" strategy does not work for all families. When I was growing up, I was kind of meek. And my brother was a bully. So expecting us to work it out just ended with him being mean to me, and me not being able to do anything about it (he was older and bigger and is still often unpleasant to deal with as an adult).

If you are going to make them work it out without you, it's important to teach them the skills they need to do that. And to make sure that there is not a power imbalance.

[fairfarmhand]

2 hours ago, Storygirl said:

I agree with Meriwether's caution that the "let them work it out" strategy does not work for all families. When I was growing up, I was kind of meek. And my brother was a bully. So expecting us to work it out just ended with him being mean to me, and me not being able to do anything about it (he was older and bigger and is still often unpleasant to deal with as an adult).

If you are going to make them work it out without you, it's important to teach them the skills they need to do that. And to make sure that there is not a power imbalance.

Yep. I have two older kids who are much more assertive and aggressive, and two youngers who are easily intimidated. It wouldn't be fair. At all. 

[Janeway]

Siblings fight, this is very normal.

 

It is not ok to step back and pretend it isn’t happening and have the kids fight it out. This results in a very unbalanced situation where the biggest bully gets control. 

[Liz CA]

8 hours ago, RootAnn said:

A couple of mine got along a lot worse when they were little. I dislike bickering, but when a sibling is in trouble, several of their biggest bicker-partners have their back. (Like my older brother said growing up, "I can pick on you, but no one outside the family can do the same thing or they'll have me to answer to." If they get too loud, I'll separate/hush them/take away whatever they are fighting over. The most humorous arguments are usually over group imaginative storylines they are developing together like whether the dragon can breathe fire in space since there is no air. 

Two of my sibs that were at each other's throats the most still clash as adults, so it doesn't always work out.

I'm hopeful that my kids will get along well as adults, but they'll probably not be super close friends and their kids probably also won't be close to each other. 

 

I am laughing here. Dh is one of 5 boys and this is exactly how they felt. If anyone outside the family wanted to start something with one of them, he had to face 5 of them.

[Amy in NH]

On 2/17/2019 at 9:08 PM, Liz CA said:

Family is the training ground for the real world. They are practicing negotiation skills (well, eventually with your help) and this is very valuable but also very draining for the parents.

I'd encourage working out difficulties among themselves without involving you. It's not going to happen overnight but they can move toward that goal with a little encouragement. If something really minor is being fought over, you could refuse to get involved and tell dd or ds to discuss it with sibling without yelling or touching the sibling. This is good practice. At this point you can also encourage the skill of communication with "I"statements. You may have to sit with them the first few times and coach the exchange.

I can see you rolling your eyes.  🙂 I know, I know - but it can happen within the parameters you are setting and you will send your kiddos into the world with such an important tool because not many learn this at home.

 

I disagree with the bolded.  I think they need to be actively taught how to negotiate, including active listening and conflict resolution, before they are left to their own devices. 

[Liz CA]

12 minutes ago, Amy in NH said:

 

I disagree with the bolded.  I think they need to be actively taught how to negotiate, including active listening and conflict resolution, before they are left to their own devices. 

 

Yes, indeed. If you read the complete paragraph following the bolded...though I realize I worded it somewhat backwards. First comes the coaching on how to argue to reach compromise or solution, then extracting yourself. 

Edited February 20, 2019 by Liz CA

[Momto6inIN]

I do tell mine to work it out themselves ... and them later when everyone is calmed down and nobody really has a dog in this fight anymore I go to them individually and talk about what he/she could have done differently. Not whose fault it is because I really don't care and you only have control over your own actions anyway. I also have a phrase I really like to use: "Drop the ball." I've told them many times it takes 2 people to argue just like it takes 2 people to play catch. If 1 person drops the ball and refuses to engage, the argument ends. DH's favorite is: "Smartest one gives up first." 🤣