Splash1 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Help, friend just called and said husband left her. She is blindsided, no idea. Kids are 14-18yrs old. Just left her a letter and left for the weekend. She needs quick advice on how to protect herself. She was stay at home mom but just recently went back to work for school district as secretary so they'd have insurance, almost all her salary pays insurance. What does she need to do? Most of the money is in his business not their family account. I'd appreciate all the pointers you can give me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 8 minutes ago, Splash1 said: Help, friend just called and said husband left her. She is blindsided, no idea. Kids are 14-18yrs old. Just left her a letter and left for the weekend. She needs quick advice on how to protect herself. She was stay at home mom but just recently went back to work for school district as secretary so they'd have insurance, almost all her salary pays insurance. What does she need to do? Most of the money is in his business not their family account. I'd appreciate all the pointers you can give me. To start tell her to gather all the documents she can. Tax records, pay stubs, business records, birth certificates, social security cards. Titles, deeds etc. copy and put originals somewhere for safe keeping. Is this a long term marriage? Did he say why he left? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Splash1 Posted December 8, 2018 Author Share Posted December 8, 2018 21 years and he isn't happy. He moved all but 4k to business account. Should she move money before he changes passwords Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Lawyer. She should set up consults with all the highest recommended divorce lawyers in her area. Open a credit card in her own name. Set up her own bank accounts. Get copies of all documents related to finances etc. I wouldn't withdraw all the money from the family account unless a lawyer advises it but some cash in hand wouldn't hurt. Left for the weekend...there may be another woman. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyLady Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Move all of the rest of their money to cash or a different account (generally you would say half, but it sounds like he's already done more than that) and freeze joint credit cards. Open a card in just her name if she doesn't have already. Gather all paperwork. Tax forms, birth certificates, bills, business loan info, anything. Print bank account and credit card statements. If he is spending their joint money on another person this weekend (and in the past), he may be required to pay that back to her, so keep track of his spending. If they are in an at-fault state, go all fbi and print email and text evidence of affair to use in court, or just to make sure she knows who he is and what she is up against. (I'm assuming an affair, but I suppose it could be anything) Put those copies in a safe place along with other important paperwork - maybe at her mom's house? Be prepared to make him stay out, even if he comes begging back. (is it legal to change the locks??) I ❤️ chump lady - she has a book - Leave a Chump, Gain a Life - very empowering, and it sounds like your friend needs to feel empowered! She also has a blog and a discussion board. (someone very close to me has been going through a difficult divorce - and before that a pretty terrible marriage - we talk a lot. Too much. This is all she talks about, and I'm happy to be a sounding board, but...) (the info is good even if your friend is hoping he will come back and make things better.) There's something comforting in knowing you are not alone in this. STI testing for her. (and him if he comes home) Consult with the 3 best lawyers in town (he won't be able to use any of them if she has talked to them first, even if she doesn't choose to have them represent her). She needs to understand what divorce will look like - and even if it's scary, it's better to know. As a SAHM (mostly) he will likely owe child support and spousal support for a time. Her lawyer may refer her to a good forensic accountant to prove his income as he wouldn't be the first to hide his income in his business. He may suggest a divorce by internet forms, but she needs to protect herself the best way she can right now by using a lawyer. Set up appointments on Monday. It's okay to not file immediately, but learning her rights should happen asap. What a horrible person he is to do this right before Christmas. Big hugs to her and her sweet kiddos. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 She has to move very fast. She can't let the shock freeze her from that. Other advice here is sound. But she has to do this immediately, because he clearly has been planning this in detail for a while (a letter? really?) and it looks like he is trying to A) Hide assets, and B) Make it look like their 'normal' is for her to be working AND for him to be financially poor. Both of these things would militate toward her getting less than a reasonable and fair share of the assets and income going forward. My guess is that he manuvered her into taking that job recently specifically to make that B) case. She should think very carefully about how that came to pass, and document the events leading up to it, and talk to the lawyer about it. It might be advisable for her to leave that job since it is so new, or it might not. Lawyer up fast and find out. Lawyer might suggest a forensic accountant. It is possible that his business is about to take off or go public or get an infusion of money or otherwise gain greatly in value. If it can be proven that those were in the works during the marriage, then she might be entitled to a share. She needs to watch carefully for evidence of this, and also search her memory. Also, in general, this stinks of 'other woman'. I would be very surprised if there isn't one. She should try to find out. Change passwords on all her accounts, email, facebook, financial. Record passwords on joint accounts and on his if she has them. Check credit card and phone records to see if evidence for prior other woman stuff shows up. Guys tend to assume women won't do that and are not always careful (though sometimes they are) not to let that show. Unfortunately, time and time again those of us who document these suggestions and observations turn out to be right, but also unfortunately the blindsided wives tend not to believe this early enough to be fully effective in fighting for what is right. I understand what a shock this is, but all of the advice here is spot on and time/experience tested. I'm very sorry that that is the case, but it is. I will not mention names but there are people here who know this from bitter experience. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Splash1 Posted December 8, 2018 Author Share Posted December 8, 2018 Thank you so much for all your help. I have passed along all your recommendations. She is busy making copies, etc. She isn't emailing him back. I have given her names of two lawyers to contact Monday. He is trying to backtrack and say he never wanted a divorce, she misunderstood and oh, tear up the first letter, but she needs to do this, this, this, ....... but it's up to her. First contact said he was leaving and wanted joint custody. Any way. I really appreciate all the help. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 1 minute ago, Splash1 said: Thank you so much for all your help. I have passed along all your recommendations. She is busy making copies, etc. She isn't emailing him back. I have given her names of two lawyers to contact Monday. He is trying to backtrack and say he never wanted a divorce, she misunderstood and oh, tear up the first letter, but she needs to do this, this, this, ....... but it's up to her. First contact said he was leaving and wanted joint custody. Any way. I really appreciate all the help. They might get divorced and they might not. But either way, she needs to keep that letter and all the other stuff, in a secure location away from the house, from now on, and continue to try to figure out what is going on. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 7 minutes ago, Splash1 said: Thank you so much for all your help. I have passed along all your recommendations. She is busy making copies, etc. She isn't emailing him back. I have given her names of two lawyers to contact Monday. He is trying to backtrack and say he never wanted a divorce, she misunderstood and oh, tear up the first letter, but she needs to do this, this, this, ....... but it's up to her. First contact said he was leaving and wanted joint custody. Any way. I really appreciate all the help. It's called the "Pick Me Dance" in Chump Lady terms. https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/ Let him think that she's "hearing him".... in the meantime, contact the lawyers, etc. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 2 minutes ago, Seasider too said: “She needs to do this, this, this....” What? Change her behavior so he will stay? Or is he asking her to take any actions that may eventually work against her interests? Maybe his gf freaked that he left his wife because all she wanted was a fling. This crossed my mind, too. Also, maybe he found out that her having a job so briefly would not establish that as the norm. She still really really needs to lawyer up. Chances are he is doing divorce planning even if he comes back. I’m not saying not to take him back and try to reconcile, but she MUST start planning defensively at this point, and to do that she needs to lawyer up. Also, she needs to keep all this prep on the QT no matter what. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Splash1 Posted December 8, 2018 Author Share Posted December 8, 2018 He isn't home. He is gone for the weekend in different state. She can't figure out what he's going to do, he is due home Monday 1am. Yes his email today was long with all the things she needs to do, understand, etc. I think he's been planning this for awhile personally. She will call a lawyer if I have to go over and dial for her.. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeachyDoodle Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 10 minutes ago, Splash1 said: He isn't home. He is gone for the weekend in different state. She can't figure out what he's going to do, he is due home Monday 1am. Yes his email today was long with all the things she needs to do, understand, etc. I think he's been planning this for awhile personally. She will call a lawyer if I have to go over and dial for her.. She is lucky to have you. I have no experience with anything like this (thankfully) so my advice would be useless or worse. But she and her children have my prayers. What a nightmare. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Have her give you a copy of that first letter so there is one he can't find and destroy. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 I don't know what can be done about this, but I'll toss it out there in case someone knows about what she can do about any joint credit card accounts. This happened to my SIL. Ex went out and ran up high credit card bills with girlfriends. In the end the judge ignored those costs in the final division of assets. It was tens of thousands of dollars he withdrew from their joint funds to pay it off. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 22 hours ago, maize said: Lawyer. She should set up consults with all the highest recommended divorce lawyers in her area. Open a credit card in her own name. Set up her own bank accounts. Get copies of all documents related to finances etc. I wouldn't withdraw all the money from the family account unless a lawyer advises it but some cash in hand wouldn't hurt. Left for the weekend...there may be another woman. There's another person involved, you can be sure of it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 51 minutes ago, Splash1 said: He isn't home. He is gone for the weekend in different state. She can't figure out what he's going to do, he is due home Monday 1am. Yes his email today was long with all the things she needs to do, understand, etc. I think he's been planning this for awhile personally. She will call a lawyer if I have to go over and dial for her.. You are a very good friend. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 1 hour ago, Pippen said: I don't know what can be done about this, but I'll toss it out there in case someone knows about what she can do about any joint credit card accounts. This happened to my SIL. Ex went out and ran up high credit card bills with girlfriends. In the end the judge ignored those costs in the final division of assets. It was tens of thousands of dollars he withdrew from their joint funds to pay it off. So in my state, when you are served, there are standing orders that go with it.... such as must maintain insurances, utilities, no major expenses, job changes. Something like that would be frowned upon (in theory) because it would be viewed as unfair disposition of marital assets in my state. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Could it be possible he filed for divorce in the other state? I just know that she needs to establish herself financially now... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 59 minutes ago, readinmom said: Could it be possible he filed for divorce in the other state? I just know that she needs to establish herself financially now... Unless the other state has really lenient residency standards OR he has established residency out of state, I doubt he could file. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 From this point on, she can never, ever trust anything he says. Which sucks, but he is not trustworthy. She has to look out for herself every step of the way. And it really grieves me that so many of us are advising the same thing, either because we have friends who have experienced it or because we have. 😞 8 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 (edited) As everyone else said, lawyer up immediately. I would call today even though it is Sunday. I would also tell her that no matter what happens, she should squirrel away $20 or so everytime she uses her debit card (and use it everytime she is at the grocery store, drug store - anywhere when you can get cash back) and put that somewhere safe. Also start buying gift cards for gas, grocery store, restaurants, Visa gift cards, etc and do likewise. Even if they reconcile, if he does this once he may do this again and your friend needs to be sure she will have some immediate cash and the ability to drive, feed herself and her children, etc. If I were her, I'd immediately open a bank account and put my work check in it. I would no longer use it to pay for health insurance. Edited December 9, 2018 by Pink and Green Mom 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 If he left her and she has a low paying job, her and the kids might qualify for state medical insurance and other benefits that might help tide her over for a few months. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 16 hours ago, Splash1 said: He isn't home. He is gone for the weekend in different state. She can't figure out what he's going to do, he is due home Monday 1am. Yes his email today was long with all the things she needs to do, understand, etc. I think he's been planning this for awhile personally. She will call a lawyer if I have to go over and dial for her.. You may consider having her use your phone or a cheap prepaid phone he doesn't know about in case he is tracking her call records. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 If he is trying to back pedal, the only contact I would have if I were the friend would be to say something along the lines of... 'All of the things you mention in your e-mail can be discussed thoroughly once you take the money you hid in the business and put it back into our bank account. Until you do that, I will not discuss anything more with you without my lawyer in the room as well.' I would say this, not in an attempt to mend anything, but in an attempt to get him to acknowledge in writing that he moved finances in anticipation for leaving her. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 If she has someone she trusts to go with her to the attorney appointment, that would be advisable. It's important to have a second set of (emotionally steady) listening ears. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Do you or any of your friends personally know attorneys? I would text or email all of the personal friends and ask them who the best divorce attorneys are today. Don't wait until Monday to ask for referrals. His girlfriend dumped him or something, but he's a snake and she needs a consultation with the best divorce attorneys in town before he can hire any of them. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 4 hours ago, hjffkj said: If he is trying to back pedal, the only contact I would have if I were the friend would be to say something along the lines of... 'All of the things you mention in your e-mail can be discussed thoroughly once you take the money you hid in the business and put it back into our bank account. Until you do that, I will not discuss anything more with you without my lawyer in the room as well.' I would say this, not in an attempt to mend anything, but in an attempt to get him to acknowledge in writing that he moved finances in anticipation for leaving her. Very good idea, although I'd probably not mention having a lawyer. Don't put his guard up. I'd just day, "Do that, and then we can talk." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 3 hours ago, katilac said: Very good idea, although I'd probably not mention having a lawyer. Don't put his guard up. I'd just day, "Do that, and then we can talk." Good point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 On 12/7/2018 at 7:22 PM, Splash1 said: 21 years and he isn't happy. He moved all but 4k to business account. Should she move money before he changes passwords Yes, she should. And get a lawyer first thing in the morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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