Alternative Wedding Custom

[Ginevra]

Idle curiosity, since I just attended a wedding. The wedding was traditional, with the bride walking down the aisle on her father's arm and then the consent to "give" her away.

 

My daughter has mentioned before that she does not particularly care for the implications of "giving the bride" in marriage. What alternative customs might there be that still have a parent or parents walking the bride to the officient and then going to sit?

 

I did go to a wedding once where the bride just walked herself down the aisle and waved to friends along the way, but I didn't care for that much; she looked like she just won Miss America and was strolling with her flowers and tiara. 😄

 

What sort of customs acknowledge the parent(s) of the bride, but don't harken back to a bride being property being transfered to a new person?

 

P.S. I'm not dissing the custom if that's what you like/did/had your daughter do. My own father "gave" me away in the traditional manner. I just know my own DD does not think much of that idea.

[SquirrellyMama]

Can he walk her down, and just skip the "giving away" part?

 

Kelly

[TheReader]

When unity candles were in style (where the bride & groom each take their own candle & light one together & blow out their own candles) I saw it done once where the parents walked the bride (could do with the groom too, I guess) and the mom & dad lit the bride's candle. Then the bride & groom lit their single candle together with the candles they had lit previously (maybe they even did have his parents light his candle...?). 

 

I've also seen that done where they then left their individual candles lit, if that part would rub her wrong too. 

 

In the Catholic/Mexican Catholic there's a ceremony where the bride & groom have their hands wrapped together with a decorative rope or ornate ribbon; you could adapt that to have the parents do the wrapping (around the bride/groom's hands), maybe. 

 

Or simply have the parent's walk her and then just place her hand in the groom's hand, without the conversation about "who gives her...?"

[regentrude]

My first thought would be that the whole "giving away" thing would look much less icky if it were symmetric. Both bride and groom could be accompanied by their parents to the altar/or whatever location of the ceremony.

Any ceremony that has the bride's parents walk the bride to the independent, parentless groom smack of "giving away". 

Edited August 1, 2017 by regentrude

[FaithManor]

At our dad's wedding he was accompanied by his parents, and Dd by her dad - I was at the piano. We gave a blessing/prayer from the parents. No giving anyone to anyone. We are against the idea because it stems from the concept of women being property of men.

[Guest]

When unity candles were in style (where the bride & groom each take their own candle & light one together & blow out their own candles) I saw it done once where the parents walked the bride (could do with the groom too, I guess) and the mom & dad lit the bride's candle. Then the bride & groom lit their single candle together with the candles they had lit previously (maybe they even did have his parents light his candle...?).

 

I've also seen that done where they then left their individual candles lit, if that part would rub her wrong too.

 

In the Catholic/Mexican Catholic there's a ceremony where the bride & groom have their hands wrapped together with a decorative rope or ornate ribbon; you could adapt that to have the parents do the wrapping (around the bride/groom's hands), maybe.

 

Or simply have the parent's walk her and then just place her hand in the groom's hand, without the conversation about "who gives her...?"

I like the unity candles, with both sets of parents (assuming they are available) lighting the original candles. I had a unity candle at my wedding. I even still have the holders for the candles and the center pillar. That would be kind of neat to have the very same candle holders, if she would be into that.

[Guest]

At our dad's wedding he was accompanied by his parents, and Dd by her dad - I was at the piano. We gave a blessing/prayer from the parents. No giving anyone to anyone. We are against the idea because it stems from the concept of women being property of men.

Did they come sequentially down the aisle? So, guy comes down the aisle with parents and then the bride comes with hers?

[marbel]

At a wedding I attended recently, the bride was escorted by her older brother. The officiant asked "who stands with this woman as she (I don't recall the rest)...?". I don't remember what the brother said but that doesn't matter. I liked it. The bride and groom had been living together so it would have seemed odd for someone to give her away, though I don't like the giving away thing anyway.

Edited August 1, 2017 by marbel

[Χά�ων]

Just skip the wedding all together, the entire process is little more than infantilizing adults.

 

Giving away (as though they are property)

Officiants (because anyone needs permission?)

Witnesses (because someone is not there of my own free will?)

The ceramony and customes are dated and need to die a fast death.

[Daria]

I've been to some Jewish weddings where the groom is escorted to the huppah by his parents, usually from the side, and then the bride is escorted by hers.   There is no "giving away", just a sense of accompanying one's child, and it's really lovely.  

 

 

[eternalsummer]

I like they way they did it in that dancing video that was viral 5 or 10 years ago.

 

 (found it!)

 

she walks (dances) halfway down the aisle, then the groom meets her and they go the rest of the way together.

[Catwoman]

Just skip the wedding all together, the entire process is little more than infantilizing adults.

 

Giving away (as though they are property)

Officiants (because anyone needs permission?)

Witnesses (because someone is not there of my own free will?)

The ceramony and customes are dated and need to die a fast death.

Stop being so sentimental. You're bringing tears to my eyes! ;)

[Katy]

Have whoever she wants walk her down the aisle, and skip the giving away language.  That's what I did.

[Clemsondana]

My dad walked me down the aisle, and then the parents all stood to take part in a blessing - I think it was said by the pastor with all of them saying 'We will' to something about supporting the couple.

[Catwoman]

Idle curiosity, since I just attended a wedding. The wedding was traditional, with the bride walking down the aisle on her father's arm and then the consent to "give" her away.

 

My daughter has mentioned before that she does not particularly care for the implications of "giving the bride" in marriage. What alternative customs might there be that still have a parent or parents walking the bride to the officient and then going to sit?

 

I did go to a wedding once where the bride just walked herself down the aisle and waved to friends along the way, but I didn't care for that much; she looked like she just won Miss America and was strolling with her flowers and tiara. 😄

 

What sort of customs acknowledge the parent(s) of the bride, but don't harken back to a bride being property being transfered to a new person?

 

P.S. I'm not dissing the custom if that's what you like/did/had your daughter do. My own father "gave" me away in the traditional manner. I just know my own DD does not think much of that idea.

I have been to several weddings where the father walked his dd down the aisle, gave her a little hug, and then went and sat down without any kind of formal "giving away" at all. I think that could work for your dd.

[Guest]

My dad walked me down the aisle but "giving away" isn't part of a Catholic wedding.

 

If I ever got married again (DH is alive and well) I'd just stand at the alter. Or elope. Probably elope.

[AnnE-girl]

DH walked in with his parents before the rest of the processional, (I think the groomsmen were already at the front of the church?), then my bridesmaids walked in, then my parents both walked me down the aisle. We had both sets of parents light the individual candles for our unity candle as well. It wasn't at all about giving anyone away, but recognizing the families we had come from, and the marriages that we had as examples growing up.

[PrincessMommy]

Well, your dd would have to become EO,  ;)  but there is no "giving away" in an Orthodox wedding.  There is a time when the bride does consent to being married.  As in "Do you agree to take this man/woman as your wife/husband" (or something like that- I don't have it in front of me).    My husband walked our daughter into the church where the Betrothal took place and then she walked with her fiance to the center of the church.  I have heard that some priests will allow the parent to walk the daughter down the aisle.  But, my dd's priest didn't want to do that.  

 

About the closest thing an EO church comes to saying vows is what I wrote above.   The service is almost entirely a prayer services asking God to bless the couple.  There is the crowning where the priest does say "The Handmaiden of God.... is wedded to the Servant of God...." and vise-versa.... but no promising until "death do us part" stuff.   I am so happy for this, personally, since I have reservations about making promises one may or may not be able to keep, especially for 50-60yrs.  I think the Church Fathers were wise in this decision.  I don't even think the traditional Lutheran service has vows "till death do us part".  But, I'd have to ask a Lutheran  ;)

 

Edited August 2, 2017 by PrincessMommy

[PrincessMommy]

I wanted to add..  I agree with those who suggested she just walk down the aisle to "greet" her groom and take out the giving away part. 

[Greta]

I've always thought that it would be nice if the bride and groom walked down the aisle together.  But I don't expect my idea to catch on.  And I didn't do it at my own wedding, because I eloped so there was no aisle.  And it doesn't really answer your question about acknowledging the parents either.  So I'm not even sure why I'm posting this!  :lol:

 

[marbel]

I've always thought that it would be nice if the bride and groom walked down the aisle together.  But I don't expect my idea to catch on.  And I didn't do it at my own wedding, because I eloped so there was no aisle.  And it doesn't really answer your question about acknowledging the parents either.  So I'm not even sure why I'm posting this!   :lol:

 

I had suggested my husband and I do this.  But he said he like the symbolism of us arriving separately but leaving together.  That made sense to me, so we did it the typical way.  

 

I walked alone.  My dad was dead; my mom wouldn't do it (too shy), I didn't want my brother. As it was time for me to walk up, I suddenly didn't want to be alone.  I almost grabbed my oldest nephew (son of my brother, he was standing at the back as sort of extra usher) to walk with, but I was afraid my sister would be offended that I didn't choose her son (even though he was at the front and thus not accessible) so I let it go and walked alone.  It was a stupid moment.  I don't have big regrets but when I think of it (like now) i still kinda wish I had had him escort me. Since he was the oldest nephew it would have been fitting. 

 

Anyway, I was not given away.  There was no one to do it.  Also I was 39 years old, it was my 2nd marriage, so it would have seemed weird to anyone who knew me at all. 

Edited August 2, 2017 by marbel

[SereneHome]

In our religion there is nothing about "giving away".  All the customs are about bride and groom starting to build home /life together and all about family. 

 

Both sets of parents (and even grandparents) are involved in various customs. 

[Greta]

I had suggested my husband and I do this.  But he said he like the symbolism of us arriving separately but leaving together.  That made sense to me, so we did it the typical way.  

 

 

 

 

Yes, that's a very good counterpoint!  

[Danestress]

My father walked me up the aisles and then sat down without saying anything. At some point in ceremony, the priest asked the assembled guests if they would support and uphold us as a couple. All present responded "We will."

 

I personally liked this arrangement. I think we are a close family, but the ceremony wasn't about parents or families of origin. It was about a man and woman becoming a married couple. We didn't even have bridesmaids or groomsmen.

[Guest]

Yes, that's a very good counterpoint!

Yeah, and I also gotta say, I'm a sucker for the "reveal" - the groom seeing the bride for the first time as his bride. I really, truly love that. The groom this past weekend was crying actual tears. He also cried actual tears as he danced with his mother. I'm getting glassy just thinking about it!

[marbel]

Yeah, and I also gotta say, I'm a sucker for the "reveal" - the groom seeing the bride for the first time as his bride. I really, truly love that. The groom this past weekend was crying actual tears. He also cried actual tears as he danced with his mother. I'm getting glassy just thinking about it!

 

Well, my husband saw me beforehand as we did some photos before the ceremony.  But I know what you mean.  Last summer I went to a wedding and the look on the groom's face as his bride walked up was just priceless.  He looked appropriately dumbstruck.  It was so sweet to see.  (She was beautiful.)

 

Re: attendants dancing up the aisle.  I was at a wedding where the bride and groom wanted that. It wasn't spontaneous; the attendants were obviously uncomfortable, and it ended up looking very cliche and forced.   I know it can work, but... it doesn't always.

 

But I do like things kinda traditional.  There is some nice symbolism in a wedding, I think.  

[displace]

Who supports this woman in this union?

 

Idk... maybe not. It still implies consent is needed?

[luuknam]

I don't recall there being an aisle at my wedding. We got married on the riverwalk in San Antonio (i.e. outside), and we had only about 20 guests total. I'm not entirely sure what exactly happened, but I'm pretty sure nobody gave me away. 

Edited August 2, 2017 by luuknam

[Guest]

nm

[Guest]

At our wedding my dad walked me down the aisle and when we got to the front, the pastor asked my parents if they were willing to welcome dh into the family as a son-in-love. My shy dad and mom mustered up a "yes". Then they asked my dh's parents the mirror question, and my beloved FIL launched into a speech about how it was a great pleasure to do so and about the best decision their son had ever made and ON AND ON. It was hilarious.

[Guest]

Who supports this woman in this union?

 

Idk... maybe not. It still implies consent is needed?

I'm thinking, "Who supports this couple as they make this committment to one another?" Or "Who stands by..." I think that sounds more like...the community of friends and family is there to support an equally-chosen commitment.

[Χά�ων]

I'm thinking, "Who supports this couple as they make this committment to one another?" Or "Who stands by..." I think that sounds more like...the community of friends and family is there to support an equally-chosen commitment.

That should never be asked. It is no one else's business and no one else should have a say.

[justasque]

Just skip the wedding all together, the entire process is little more than infantilizing adults.

 

Giving away (as though they are property)

Officiants (because anyone needs permission?)

Witnesses (because someone is not there of my own free will?)

The ceramony and customes are dated and need to die a fast death.

 

A Quaker wedding has no officiants, and anyone in Pennsylvania can use the Quaker version of the marriage license.  It requires the signatures of two witnesses, but other than that you can have whatever ceremony suits your fancy, or no ceremony at all.  

Bride, groom, and witnesses simply fill out the form, couple keeps the top, and tears off the bottom part and send it in to the courthouse.  Super-easy, super-flexible.

[marbel]

I can't quote on my phone, but re: "who supports this woman" to me doesn't imply anything to do with consent. It implies that the bride's parents/family are in support of the marriage. Isn't that a good thing? If they weren't, the bride would likely elope, would she not? Or not have the question asked at all.

[luuknam]

That should never be asked. It is no one else's business and no one else should have a say.

 

 

Also, can be very painful... even if everybody thinks this marriage is an awesome idea, what if your next kid picks a more questionable partner... asking that at one wedding but not the other could be painfully obvious to younger sibling (and asking it at both and the second one falling flat would be even worse). 

[Stacia]

I have seen it where the bride's parents walk her in. When they are at the front, the groom's parents remain standing too. The officiant then asks, "Who blesses this marriage?" & the parents answer in unison either "I do" or "We do".

 

Maybe something similar/a variation would appeal to your dd.

[Greta]

Yeah, and I also gotta say, I'm a sucker for the "reveal" - the groom seeing the bride for the first time as his bride. I really, truly love that. The groom this past weekend was crying actual tears. He also cried actual tears as he danced with his mother. I'm getting glassy just thinking about it!

Oh, wow, that's so sweet! I don't think I've ever seen a groom cry. Brides, bridesmaids, mothers of brides and grooms, yes. But never the groom.

 

I think that my own extreme shyness influenced my perception of the whole walking down the aisle thing. I didn't like the idea of being "on display". That wasn't even close to being the main reason that we eloped, but it was a point of relief for me! I'm so glad that most women have more confidence!

[Danestress]

I'm thinking, "Who supports this couple as they make this committment to one another?" Or "Who stands by..." I think that sounds more like...the community of friends and family is there to support an equally-chosen commitment.

I looked to find the specific language used in our service. I think I t was identical to this from the Church of England. I included the vows of the bride and groom so you could see the context:

 

 

......

 

The minister says to the bridegroom: N, will you take N to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

 

He answers: I will.

 

The minister says to the bride: N, will you take N to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

 

She answers: I will.

 

The minister says to the congregation: Will you, the families and friends of N and N, support and uphold them in their marriage now and in the years to come?

 

All: We will.

[Χά�ων]

A Quaker wedding has no officiants, and anyone in Pennsylvania can use the Quaker version of the marriage license. It requires the signatures of two witnesses, but other than that you can have whatever ceremony suits your fancy, or no ceremony at all.

Bride, groom, and witnesses simply fill out the form, couple keeps the top, and tears off the bottom part and send it in to the courthouse. Super-easy, super-flexible.

Colorado does not even ask for witnesses. In this day and age where I have proven my identity more times than I can count to get a state ID or passport, I view needing witnesses as a thing of the past

[happypamama]

I'm thinking, "Who supports this couple as they make this committment to one another?" Or "Who stands by..." I think that sounds more like...the community of friends and family is there to support an equally-chosen commitment.

I like this one (and I'm a huge traditionalist). I could totally see my DD going along that sort of route, especially since I can see her being escorted by four brothers and Dad too. It's traditional but also not so much of the giving of the bride thing.

 

I can also see the groom's parents walking him down and then the bride's parents walking her down. That speaks of the merging of two families to form a new one.

 

My mom and MIL lit separate candles at our wedding, and then dh and I used them to light a unity candle, but that was separate from the processional.

[Guest]

Also, can be very painful... even if everybody thinks this marriage is an awesome idea, what if your next kid picks a more questionable partner... asking that at one wedding but not the other could be painfully obvious to younger sibling (and asking it at both and the second one falling flat would be even worse).

Well, I'm asking this for a kid I don't anticipte will be marrying questionably. I also don't think how one child's wedding unfolds is in any way relevant to how the siblings' weddings (if they have them) will unfold. One kid might get married in a church, while another gets married on a beach and another elopes. Or maybe one of my sons will marry a partner of a totally different faith or custom and their spouse will want whatever their customs are. It won't have any impact on what is said or not said at future weddings of siblings.

 

To me, *the point* of having an actual wedding ceremony is to celebrate and show support and committment to recognizing the couple. A couple is more likely to stay married if they are within a community of people who honor and support their committment to one another. I very much like the idea of both sets of parents (assuming they are available; i.e., not dead or in a foreign country or imprisoned or something) standing up with the couple memoentarily and offering their support to the couple.

[Χά�ων]

Well, I'm asking this for a kid I don't anticipte will be marrying questionably. I also don't think how one child's wedding unfolds is in any way relevant to how the siblings' weddings (if they have them) will unfold. One kid might get married in a church, while another gets married on a beach and another elopes. Or maybe one of my sons will marry a partner of a totally different faith or custom and their spouse will want whatever their customs are. It won't have any impact on what is said or not said at future weddings of siblings.

 

To me, *the point* of having an actual wedding ceremony is to celebrate and show support and committment to recognizing the couple. A couple is more likely to stay married if they are within a community of people who honor and support their committment to one another. I very much like the idea of both sets of parents (assuming they are available; i.e., not dead or in a foreign country or imprisoned or something) standing up with the couple memoentarily and offering their support to the couple.

I was where you were until my inlaws true colors came out. Since I found the skeleton I am pretty sure they would object just to cause pain. Some people are just jerks.

[TechWife]

I've been to a few weddings where the father escorts the bride down the aisle, joins the brides and grooms hands together and then sits down. There are no words spoken. 

[Guest]

I was where you were until my inlaws true colors came out. Since I found the skeleton I am pretty sure they would object just to cause pain. Some people are just jerks.

Well, that seems like there wouldn't BE a wedding ceremony. I (thankfully) haven't attended any weddings where the parents were openly hostile towards the partner or someone integral to the marriage.

[justasque]

Colorado does not even ask for witnesses. In this day and age where I have proven my identity more times than I can count to get a state ID or passport, I view needing witnesses as a thing of the past

 

Hmm.  I suppose the witnesses can verify that the wedding actually took place, in the event that things go awry after the licence is obtained and there's a he-said, she-said situation down the line as to whether the couple is married or not.  In PA, the identity verification part happens when you get the license at the courthouse, but the couple isn't married until the ceremony (if they have one) when they and the witnesses fill out the license (which is then filed by sending it in).

[mom2scouts]

I've been to some Jewish weddings where the groom is escorted to the huppah by his parents, usually from the side, and then the bride is escorted by hers.   There is no "giving away", just a sense of accompanying one's child, and it's really lovely.  

 

My son married a Jewish girl and my husband and I walked him around one side of a small lake while the bride's parents walked her around the other side and we met for the ceremony. It was lovely and I loved walking my son to his bride.

[Guest]

My son married a Jewish girl and my husband and I walked him around one side of a small lake while the bride's parents walked her around the other side and we met for the ceremony. It was lovely and I loved walking my son to his bride.

That sounds lovely.

[FaithManor]

Did they come sequentially down the aisle? So, guy comes down the aisle with parents and then the bride comes with hers?

No. The church had two main aisles so he and his family came down on the right, and Dh and Dd came down on the left, then they walked across and met in the middle at the altar railing.

[Χά�ων]

Hmm. I suppose the witnesses can verify that the wedding actually took place, in the event that things go awry after the licence is obtained and there's a he-said, she-said situation down the line as to whether the couple is married or not. In PA, the identity verification part happens when you get the license at the courthouse, but the couple isn't married until the ceremony (if they have one) when they and the witnesses fill out the license (which is then filed by sending it in).

In Colorado the couple walks in, fills out the paperwork, shows the clerk their ID's, and walk out married.

[FaithManor]

I have to tell you a funny. I was the maid of honor in my cousin's wedding, and since her dad was a clergyman, he performed the ceremony. She was escorted down the aisle by our grandfather and when they arrived my uncle asked the usual, "Who gives this bride?" Blah blah blah. Grandpa was supposed to say, "Her family."

 

He got nervous and blurted out, "We the people!"

 

I got a lot of stern looks from the bride because well, it was really hard to keep the stickers under control!

 

This was after her brother had massacred his trumpet solo processional which didn't help because his buddies were giggling. Then it was followed by another uncle singing "Sunrise, Sunset" and clubbing the words really badly.

 

I think of the wedding every time I hear the start of the preamble to the constitution.