Funeral question - visitation, service, both or neither?

[footballmom]

My heart is so heavy today. There is a family that we know through sports - their son and my son played on a sports team together two years in a row and the DH was an assistant the first year. From one year to the next, the DH had lost his hair and he looked weak. We found out that right after the first season wrapped up, the DH was dx'd with cancer. I am FB friends with both of them and he seemed to do better for a while. I would run into them from time to time, but not close friends. I found out today he just passed away and the visitation and service are next week. I would like to go to at least one of the gatherings next week, but don't know if that's appropriate or if one is better than the other. When FIL and SIL passed away (not at the same time) I appreciated any one that came to anything, but am torn because I wasn't super close with either the husband who passed or his wife. WWYD?

Edited May 6, 2017 by footballmom

[Starr]

I don't think there is a correct answer. I'm sure the family will be happy to have you at either or both. If I pick one it's usually the funeral. 

[unsinkable]

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Edited May 6, 2017 by unsinkable

[Guest]

In my family culture, the visitation/wake is for anyone and everyone, but the service/funeral and interment tend to be for those who were closest to the deceased. I know that traditions vary on this though.

Edited May 6, 2017 by Kinsa

[Guest]

I don't think it matters. For people I'm close to, I go to the funeral if I possibly can. But I wouldn't *not* go to the funeral if I'm not super close. Sometimes, it's just a decision based on when I can get there.

[Guest]

I voted "funeral only" but that's just assuming that either/or is ok by you and ok by the grieving family.  To me, visitation seems more appropriate for closer friends and family, but that might be just me.  

 

Showing up for the gathering really *does* mean something to people, and it *does* help to have a full congregation.  

 

[PeachyDoodle]

To me, visitation seems more appropriate for closer friends and family, but that might be just me. 

 

In our area, the opposite is true, although I'm sure this varies.

 

I voted visitation because it seems that usually affords the easiest opportunity to offer condolences to the bereaved. In my experience, there is often a meal after the funeral service that's for the family only, which can cut the chance to speak to them short. (Although when my sister passed away, one well-meaning funeral guest fell in with the family for the meal in the fellowship hall. We all spent the afternoon trying to figure out who he was; everyone assumed he was known to someone else!)

 

If you are unable to go to either the service or visitation, or just feel uncomfortable doing so, flowers, a donation to charity in memory of the deceased, and/or a thoughtful card can be just as meaningful.

[Pawz4me]

Either or both -- whatever you choose will likely be fine.

 

In general in my area co-workers, acquaintances and maybe-we-could-say-we-were-friends-but-we-weren't-really-that-close types usually go to the visitation and funeral attendance usually leans more toward family and close friends. But anyone is welcome to attend either or both.

[AK_Mom4]

Tricky question as this is totally cultural. In our crowd, the correct answer would be Either One. If it wasn't sure, i would go to just the visitation..

[Carol in Cal.]

I'd try to attend both, and if I had to pick one it would be the funeral.  I would bring a card and make sure to sign the registry also.  If there was a gathering afterwards I would try to go if I could.  But I wouldn't talk as much as listen, and I'd express condolences to the family, maybe with one good memory, and then let them lead from then on.  It's really hard when people just make you feel worse, whether it is by going on and on about the deceased or by trying to 'cheer them up' in a way that makes them obligated to be smiley.  Better to more so just be there and be sympathetic.

[Guest]

This was traditional for us also.  If I wasn't close to someone but close enough, I would probably just do the visitation. 

 

Having said that, when FIL passed in November, we would not have been bothered in any way by anyone who stayed for the funeral service after the visitation.  FIL was cremated so there was no burial/graveside service, but even if there had been, we wouldn't have felt the need to make that private or anything.

 

Wow!  Things do vary from region/culture/background.  And maybe I'm not using the word "visitation" in the same way or "funeral."  So there ya go.  :0)

[Annie G]

In our area visitations are for everyone- everyone from family and close friends to coworkers who aren't friends outside of work, casual acquaintances, etc. Funerals are more for closer friends and family. 

[cjzimmer1]

. In my experience, there is often a meal after the funeral service that's for the family only, which can cut the chance to speak to them short. (Although when my sister passed away, one well-meaning funeral guest fell in with the family for the meal in the fellowship hall. We all spent the afternoon trying to figure out who he was; everyone assumed he was known to someone else!)

 

 

Admittedly I haven't been to a lot of funerals (maybe 15-20) but everyone I have been to the meal was for anyone who wanted to hang around after the trip to the cementary.  Some would go to the cementary and come back for the meal and others would just wait at the funeral location for the group to return.  I've never heard that the meal was for family only (but I suppose if the family group is going out to a restaurant I could see that but everyone I've been to the meal was just as the church).  Granted a lot of non family members didn't choose to stay for the meal but they were always welcome.

 

OP I think the family will appreciate the gesture to which ever part you choose to attend.

Edited May 7, 2017 by cjzimmer1

[JFSinIL]

When my in-laws passed, one ten months after the other, each time there was a three hour visitation/wake the evening before at the funeral home, then another hours visitation the next morning at the church before the full Catholic ceremony, then a short service at the cemetery, then a three hour dinner afterwards. Many non-family came to either the visitation or the funeral, many came to everything, and the dinner afterwards was also as many non-family as family.  Irish Italian Polish Catholics know how to throw a funeral!!!! ;-)

 

Kids and I gave up and went home when the restaurant shooed us all out (they needed to get ready for their dinner service) and hubby and his five siblings and other relatives went back to my FIL's assisted living apartment to "take care of" his good scotch. 

 

I think you only need to go to whichever event, visitation or funeral, works for you.  Visitation you can go in, mingle a tad, share your condolences with the family, then leave after having made an appearance.  Funeral you kinda should stay for the entire thing. 

Edited May 7, 2017 by JFSinIL

[Carol in Cal.]

See, in our historic tradition, the visitation is at the funeral parlor, and then the funeral is the next day at church.

Then immediately afterwards there is a graveside service followed by the burial, generally, and then everyone goes somewhere for the family to feed them--historically the deceased's house or the home of an adult child, but sometimes back to the church or to a restaurant.  

 

The visitation is trivial compared to the day of the funeral in this scenario.  

 

But where there is no church involved, sometimes the visitation is more ceremonial, and sometimes the funeral is right afterwards in the same place.

 

And increasingly instead of everyone dropping everything to head to a funeral within a couple of days of death, even our fellowship has its share of private funerals or cremations, and then a public memorial service with no casket weeks later.  I have not really gotten used to that.  

 

So when the OP asked the question, I pictured my historic tradition in responding, but it's not necessarily that way all over.

Edited May 7, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[Selkie]

Where I live, the custom is to go to the visitation only, unless you are a close friend or family member - in which case, you would go to both the visitation and the funeral.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Like a PP it's traditional for everyone to be at the visitation but only family and close friends to go to the funeral.  I think it's our Midwestern politeness showing through, we don't want to cause a traffic jam for all the people having to wait on the procession to drive through town.

 

Also, people tend to get fed after the funeral, if I wasn't close I don't want to be a burden on the family to have to feed me (especially since I would also have to make small talk with all those people while holding a plate and a cup).

Edited May 7, 2017 by foxbridgeacademy

[SparklyUnicorn]

I've chosen one or the other.  Usually the wake when I don't know the person/family well.

 

Either one would be fine.

 

 

[HTRMom]

I think visitation would typically be more appropriate, unless the funeral happens to be a Mass or other community church service.

 

 

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[mom@shiloh]

When we've been in situations like that, my preference is to go to the visitation because it usually gives you an opportunity to speak to the grieving family directly and to express your sympathy.  It seems as if this is not always possible at funerals.  If you are able and inclined, you could certainly go to both and I'm sure the family would be appreciative of that, but if I was choosing one -- and since they're not close friends or family, I probably would just choose one -- I'd choose visitation.  

[PeachyDoodle]

Admittedly I haven't been to a lot of funerals (maybe 15-20) but everyone I have been to the meal was for anyone who wanted to hang around after the trip to the cementary.  Some would go to the cementary and come back for the meal and others would just wait at the funeral location for the group to return.  I've never heard that the meal was for family only (but I suppose if the family group is going out to a restaurant I could see that but everyone I've been to the meal was just as the church).  Granted a lot of non family members didn't choose to stay for the meal but they were always welcome.

 

OP I think the family will appreciate the gesture to which ever part you choose to attend.

 

Well, no one's checking ID's at the door or anything, LOL. It's just one of those unspoken things: you typically don't stick around unless you're family or otherwise very, very close to the family. The church usually determines the amount of food needed based on the size of the family, and the number of funeral guests can be several times that number. The last funeral I attended had over 100 people in the immediate family (children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren), and probably 300 funeral guests. Since most meals around here are provided by individual church members who volunteer to cook, that's an awful lot of food. I didn't stay for the meal afterwards, even though the deceased was the mother of my uncle by marriage.

 

Like I said, this kind of thing obviously varies. When I worked for a church in the city, the church's chef catered funeral receptions (usually finger foods, not a full meal), and the family paid the bill, so everyone was invited. But separate funeral home visitations were rare. The reception WAS the visitation.

 

And I agree, any gesture of sympathy will be appreciated.

[bettyandbob]

I would go to whichever I could easily go to. That's generally what people do around here, when visitation and funeral are done separately (the trend now seems to be one service only).

[Hannah]

I learn new things on these boards all the time!  In our tradition there is a funeral followed by a reception after - usually with hot drinks and simple finger food at the church or funeral home.  Everyone is welcome at the funeral - family, friends, colleagues. 

There is very seldom a visitation (which I understand to be a viewing?) and if there is, it is for the closest family only.

 

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I have learned something from this thread as well.  In our family and culture, the visitation is for family and close friends.  It is generally held in a small room at the funeral home.  There are maybe 20 chairs for the bereaved and elderly to sit in.  Folks wander in, visit the casket, say a few words of condolence to the family.  Some stay awhile and visit aunts/uncles/cousins they haven't seen in awhile, and then leave.  It lasts about 3 hours.

 

The funeral is usually held the next day.  It is held in the funeral home chapel or a church, and hundreds of people may come.  Those who have time line up and share their condolences with the family, who are all sitting on the front row.  Then, those who can follow to the cemetery for the internment, and a short service is held there.  After that, there is a reception, either at the church or at someone's home, and those who can join in.  It is open to everyone, but generally turns out to be those closest to the deceased and their family.  There is always plenty of food, brought by anyone who wishes to join in.

 

So, how to decide?  I would look at the locations of both the visitation and the funeral.  I would go to whichever was being held in the larger venue.

Edited May 7, 2017 by Suzanne in ABQ

[J-rap]

I'm sure whatever you do would be fine.  I do not think you need to attend both.  Maybe just do what works out for you?  In our area, the visitation/wake is where you often meet the family personally, whereas the funeral has a bigger crowd all at once so it's easier to slide into your seat and respectfully leave when it's over.  What I mean is, if you don't know the family well, it might feel more awkward for the grieving family to have forced conversation with people they don't know well at a smaller, more personal gathering (such as the visitations/wakes in our area).  Whereas a funeral allows you to pay your respects amidst a bigger crowd without crossing into the family's personal space.  You could also send a card, letting them know that you were at the funeral, and that might be meaningful for them to hear.

 

It does sound like these traditions vary in different areas though.  

 

 

[footballmom]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  I really appreciate it!  After reading through the responses and thinking a bit more about it, I'm going to go to the visitation and probably not the funeral.  They are on separate days - not sure if there is a reception after the funeral but I wouldn't have stayed for that.  I'm feeling like the funeral will be more "intimate" - such an important part of the family's grieving process.  DS said he may want to join me for the visitation - I've told him it's his choice and was really touched he would want to be there to support his friend / former teammate.  If you are inclined to pray, please lift this family up in prayer.  He was the same age as my DH and reflecting on what they have been through in a few short years is just heartbreaking.  

[zoobie]

Here, visitation is usually set in the evening so everyone can attend after work/school. The funeral is during the day, so typically you would know the person or family well to take off work to attend.

[Audrey]

In my family culture, the visitation/wake is for anyone and everyone, but the service/funeral and interment tend to be for those who were closest to the deceased. I know that traditions vary on this though.

 

 

In the local culture here, it is the reverse. 

 

Given the OP's post, I think the she should do whatever feels most comfortable for her, but I don't think there's any obligation to go to both events, especially considering that this is not a particularly close, nor a familial relationship.