complaining, complaining, and more complaining

[caedmyn]

All my children do is complain all.day.long.  They complain about everything their siblings do.  They complain about the food--endless variations of "who got more or better food than I did".  Anything that could possibly be complained about, they do.  I have been trying for a long time to crack down on the complaining, and I really cracked down 10 days or so ago...and it makes no difference whatsoever.  Even if I stop them every single time, nothing stops them from complaining again the next time...and the next time...and the next time.  I am ready to lose my mind.  I just cannot handle all this negativity.  DH is an extremely negative person and can go days without saying a single positive thing and it is just...draining.  I cannot control him and he isn't interested in changing, but there's got to be some way to get these kids to be more positive.  He's only around for an hour or two that they're awake most days, so while I think the root of their complaining behavior comes from him, it should still be possible to make some changes since he's not around that much.  But HOW???

[SparklyUnicorn]

So you are complaining about the complaining?

 

:lol:

 

Yeah I don't have any ideas though! 

[East Coast Sue]

I can't tell how old your kids are so this might not be helpful advice... Service- regular service projects to serve those in need- soup kitchen serving the homeless food or making & serving a meal at a Ronald McDonald House or something similar should go a long way to help with complaining. I prefer projects that allow kids to interact with those in need because it is eye-opening and fosters compassion for others which reduces complaining.

I hope this helps!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[caedmyn]

Yeah, I guess I am complaining about the complaining.

 

They are 4, 6, 8, and 11.

[Rosie_0801]

I would say "I can't care about that right now/possibly ever." 

 

Except about the food. Anyone who had an illegitimate complaint about my food would have it replaced by a tin of baked beans until they repented!

[displace]

I give mine a taste of it sometimes. I could complain all day long too. Especially if I have a migraine - imagine three days of complaining every time my head pounded with a heartbeat! They beg me to stop after two minutes.

 

Another option would be to lay out coins (however much, like ten nickels). Take away one coin per complaint. Or find another motivator, like electronics. It's probably going to be hard with four kids, though.

 

I would have a talk with DH. Does he notice they complain? If not, I'd point it out, explaining what your motivation is (to teach them to be polite, grateful, whatever). Mention you think they are modeling their behavior after him if you do and he's teaching them to be disrespectful. I understand when you say this about your DH not wanting to change. But I'd still bring it up, daily if necessary. Part of being an adult in a relationship is not annoying the other family members until they avoid you, assuming no mental health or extenuating circumstances. If your DH is venting about real problems in his life I'd explain that difference to the kids (complaining about significant things vs minor annoyances all the time).

 

For us, I'm the one with the kids all day so I need to teach them better. I'm cautious to be more positive myself, with school corrections and when I do things wrong.

[displace]

Yeah, I guess I am complaining about the complaining.

 

They are 4, 6, 8, and 11.

If you are trying to find help, that's not a complaint.

[displace]

This may not be a great idea, but maybe they can control each other's coins. If one catches another complaining, they get that sibling's coin. Or give them one coin per "properly worded" complaints. If they have a legitimate concern about something they need to be taught to say X instead of Y when math is "too hard" or whatever.

[Critterfixer]

I only dealt with school complaining, but I told my two boys that as their mother, I was content and happy to listen to exactly three complaints about schoolwork every day. I put three glass marbles in a cup on the table for each boy. When they complained, I got the marble and pocketed it. After three complaints, I required payment to listen to the complaint. We brainstormed the payment option, and we decided they could pay me by scrubbing baseboards--I hate that chore, and they don't like it, but it's easier on their backs than it is on mine.

Amazing how few times my baseboards got cleaned, though. Something about watching their marbles leave the jar made them more aware of what they were saying. Nobody wanted to give up their last marble to Mom.

[BooksandBoys]

I would say "I can't care about that right now/possibly ever."

 

Except about the food. Anyone who had an illegitimate complaint about my food would have it replaced by a tin of baked beans until they repented!

LOL

When I realize that our family is in a chronic pattern of negative behavior, I pull out the Pom Pom Jar of Happiness. Of course, we can go months before I realize we are in that cycle (lecturing, disciplining all the while), but that's reality with my brain. :-)

 

I study my calendar and find some already planned reward activity (or make up an inexpensive one. The idea is that I'm not spending money on the reward that wouldn't already be spent), then I announce to the children that we are going to earn said activity by being the nicest children in the entire world. Every time they do anything right, a pom-Pom goes in the jar. There are hundreds of pom-poms in my jar, so I have lots of opportunities here. It's a big jar. Occasionally, a child earns extra Pom-poms for being extra awesome. Let me tell you, they love that! When the Pom-Pom jar is full, we've earned the activity.

 

My goal with this is to change the dynamic of our house back to a focus on being kind, awesome people. I reward for obedience, I reward for not whining, I reward for hugging a sibling. I do everything I can to help them succeed and they rise to the cooperative nature of the challehgec(since everyone is working to fill one big jar). I use it sparingly because, to date, I have not ever let them fail and I don't want them to figure out my trick.

 

Thanks for the reminder, btw. It's time to get my jar out again to do an attitude reset around here.

[BooksandBoys]

For what it's worth, we started out by giving our kids coins and taking away for punishment (my mom did this with us and it worked on me), but that was a disaster. Mine do best with positive rewards.

[EMS83]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I like the service idea.  I should do that instead of/alongside what I do (further rumination necessary).

 

What I do is contingent on the situation.

-If I say "Go do this" and their immediate response is "Awww WHY?? It's not FAIR!!"  This is disobedience and it is dealt with accordingly and I'm a (rambling) lecturer, so they get bored to death afterward to boot.  :D

-If it is food related, I take a tough cookies approach--this is dinner, you are free not to eat.  You are NOT free to whine at my dinner table.  I do try to keep a feel for everyone's preferences and have at least one thing each person will eat, whether it's a side or fruit or yogurt.  I only cook one main dish though and there's a larger approach to our food that this is set in.

-If it is chores or shopping, I just might agree with them + tough cookies: They say, "Awwww I HATE shopping!!  I wanna go HOOOOOOME!!"  I say, "Me too!!  But we have to get this done, so lets get on with it so we can get home faster!"  But I only agree if it's true (and it usually is ;)).  

-If someone is just bent on whining or tantrumming, I send them t their room until they're done.  Escalating the tantrum or becoming violent (kicking my walls and furniture counts), then this is disciplined as disobedience/rule breaking because at that point they've let go of control and need a proverbial wall of some sort to hit.

 

And this is just rinse, repeat, for years.  I'm of a mind that we all have this inclination in ourselves, and until they address that root themselves, I can't stop it altogether, I can only curb it so that they're more pleasant people to be around...and the examine myself for ungratefulness.  :)  I'm probably the more negative one in the marriage, though.  BUT that's just me.  May be a good approach, may not be.  Might work for someone else, might now.  :)  I hope you find what works because I do know that  :cursing:  feeling!  

[Anne in CA]

I have BTDT. I got rid of cable. Disney shows breed discontent for what ever reason. I would also find what print media might be feeding this too. In my case Garfield was making Mondays a living hell. My kids took it way too seriously. I would look for the roots and pull them out. Period. Also, I always wanted to secretly record them and let them know how they sounded, but the technology wasn't there then. Maybe you can do better on that front? 

[itsheresomewhere]

Not my best parenting move but it did get a point across-

 

I charged a nickel for every negative comment my oldest made (unless it was asked). I had to stop it when he was in over 20 dollars and we were only a few days in.

 

 

  

 

 

[bibiche]

My complainer received this book when I couldn't take it any longer. It helped.

[sbgrace]

I have a negative thinker and, given family history, I am concerned it will predispose him to depression or other issues later. Plus it makes him and everyone around him miserable.

We worked through the book What to Do When You Grumble Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Negativity.  https://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Grumble-Much/dp/1591474507

 

It's good--addressed to the child with solid (cognitive behavioral based) techniques to practice to change outlook. I'm hopeful this will give us some tools. If I had multiple negative thinkers, I believe I would work through the workbook individually with each child, then practice as a whole family (dad included), celebrating successes as a family too.

 

ETA: I see someone else recommended the book too--it really is good!

Edited March 4, 2017 by sbgrace

[Tap]

Make them submit any complaint in writing.  Age/abilty appropriate of course, but full sentences, title sentence and a closing. (with assistance as needed)  I am not saying to enforce  this as a punishment per se, but to help them isolate the issue at hand and to put some effort into getting their needs met in a different way than vocalizing every single slight they see in the world.

 

They must list the complaint, the reason they feel it was worth complaining about, and what they think a fair resolution is.  Then they must offer up, if this is a small problem/big problem and how they could have handled it internally, without verbally complaining. Even if they feel it was a big deal, help them brainstorm a Different way to approach the issue, or different words to use. Maybe they still need to talk about it, but they can come to you in a more appropriate time and have a discussion, versus whining. 

 

Do a lesson with them about small problem/big problem.  This is a classroom version of big deal/little deal, but easy to modify. 

 

 

Sometimes just telling kids to stop an annoying habit, isn't enough.  They need to be taught how to deal with the situation differently.  Bad habits take a while to break.  I would reward good behavior and especially if you notice that they stop and correct themselves.  

 

 

Edited March 4, 2017 by Tap

[mamaraby]

This week I have taken to singing "Happy Trails" to my children whilst waving goodbye. Extra bonus points being that they now think I'm weird. It helps if you walk away while singing it. Or if you find a Roy Rogers version to play instead. But, for full effect, I vote for singing it yourself.

 

Does it address any underlying issues? Not really, but it's unexpected and usually stops them in their tracks. Sometimes they even giggle at me. Either way? They stop complaining.

 

I try not to read too much into it or make too much of an issue over it. Being a kid is tough and you have very little control over your situation. Plus, even adults like to vent about stuff. We're all home together so our venting possibilities are limited. Respond/engage when you feel the situation warrants and for the rest don't engage. Walk away. Dance like a fool. Sing a stupid song. Interrupt them with a random thought. Tell a dumb joke. Make a funny face. Be unpredictable.

 

The week before? The answer was "Ah, yes, you're right, that's totally unfair! It's part of my new parenting philosophy called 'two evil things before dinner.' I'm behind today so that's my first one. Thanks for helping me out!" For this one you must have a handle on dry humor/sarcasm.

[Peaceseeker]

I had one chronic complainer. At first we tried having him say something he was grateful for every time he complained. We tried to turn the dialogue around in his head. It helped a little but his habits were engrained hard. Nothing seemed to work. This went on and on for a year or two and we kept trying to address it, but he just loved to find something to grumble about and be miserable about even though this kid has a very charmed life. Seriously blessed.

 

Then one day I just about melted down on him, crying and begging him to see all his blessings. I don't remember the conversation that triggered it but I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him how worried I was that he couldn't be more positive. I listed all the truly wonderful things he had going for him and told him I was terrified he was going to grow up to be an unhappy person if he couldn't learn to find any gratitude and contentment in his life.

 

It was a pretty deep conversation for an 11 year old but this had been going on and on and nothing was working. Something about seeing me cry for his future really got to him, or the words finally penetrated and he largely stopped. He still occasionally grumbles, but the constant complaining ended and he seems like a happier boy which is all I ever wanted for him. I was so thankful to see him have a breakthrough and really think about all his blessings.

 

I do think complaining is a habit people get in. It did help some to point it out every time and redirect it, by making him say something positive or that he was grateful for. It takes a lot of work. My kid is very internally motivated, so I think he just finally realized he was making himself miserable and setting up a terrible pattern.

Edited March 4, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[eternalsummer]

I, too, think TV is a huge culprit.  We were stuck in a hotel room for 2 weeks last winter and the kids watched TV a zillion hours a day (we weren't on vacation).  We don't own a TV so that was their first sustained exposure.  They became snarky, catty, ridiculous sounding caricatures.  It was crazy.  We figured it out after about 10 days, cut off the Disney channel and Nickelodeon and etc., and all was well again in a couple of days.  They are very susceptible kids, though, ymmv.

[caedmyn]

Make them submit any complaint in writing.  Age/abilty appropriate of course, but full sentences, title sentence and a closing. (with assistance as needed)  I am not saying to enforce  this as a punishment per se, but to help them isolate the issue at hand and to put some effort into getting their needs met in a different way than vocalizing every single slight they see in the world.

 

They must list the complaint, the reason they feel it was worth complaining about, and what they think a fair resolution is.  Then they must offer up, if this is a small problem/big problem and how they could have handled it internally, without verbally complaining. Even if they feel it was a big deal, help them brainstorm a Different way to approach the issue, or different words to use. Maybe they still need to talk about it, but they can come to you in a more appropriate time and have a discussion, versus whining. 

 

Do a lesson with them about small problem/big problem.  This is a classroom version of big deal/little deal, but easy to modify. 

 

 

Sometimes just telling kids to stop an annoying habit, isn't enough.  They need to be taught how to deal with the situation differently.  Bad habits take a while to break.  I would reward good behavior and especially if you notice that they stop and correct themselves.  

 

This might be helpful.  They already know how to do size of the problem.  I think we'd have to do it verbally though as only the 11 YO can write well enough to make it practical.  

 

The marble jar thing is a great idea.  I used that same idea for something else, can't remember what, but for some reason counting up to 3 worked much better than trying to dole out a consequence for every infraction.

 

I think I will try some version of the pom-pom jar too.  I've tried in the past and it didn't work too well, mostly because I have a hard time noticing when they do something positive, but I'll give it another go.

 

I've tried variations on the coins several times and that has not been helpful.

 

They do watch too many movies, but it's mostly Franklin and Curious George, so I'm not sure that's the root cause.

[BlsdMama]

This line sounds a little harsh but gets my point across.

 

"Put your lips together and make the sound stop."  After they do this, tell them nicely, you're done with whining, nagging, and complaining, so keep their lips together until they can think of something pleasant to say, otherwise you are more than willing to enjoy the silence.

 

ETA - and on the whining about who got more food - I find that promptly walking over and eating at least half of whatever they have very quickly and effectively teaches them that if they are unhappy with what they have and *I* hear it, it shall soon not exist and they will very much wish they had not whined.  Don't even TRY to make it even by adding more, it just backfires.

 

Example:

He got more!

Walk over, silently eat three mouthfuls.

Next time, please recognize that mom tries to be fair and I want you to bbe content.

 

Initial stunned silence.

Fit ensues, doesn't matter because the consequence has just taken place.

 

Trust me.  Two or three times of this and there will be no more, "He got more than me."  They are really very bright and quickly learn it is not self serving, kwim?

Edited March 4, 2017 by BlsdMama

[Katy]

This is about fighting more than complaining, but the fights were along the same lines: fairness & favor.  We implemented this after I read this blog post a few weeks ago and so far, so good.  As an aside, I agree that snarky kids shows breed discontent.  PBS is much better about being positive and educational.

 

http://funcheaporfree.com/2017/01/how-we-got-our-kids-to-stop-fighting/

[fairfarmhand]

Hey, for the equal amount of food, we have a plan at my house when 2 people split something. One person divides the item, and the other person chooses first. The first person is very motivated to equally divide the portion. So I might allow the kids to start serving the food items, but no one who divides gets to go first in choosing.

[Barb_]

I don't know if you have a "fairness" thing going in your household, but if you do stop trying to be fair. Early on I read something in a book that resonated with me, "children don't want to be treated equally, they want to be treated individually." So we've always gone with the Marxian, "Each according to his (or her) need." Families are rarely pure democracies and I believe work better when you acknowledge the unequal distribution of resources. One person needs shoes but that doesn't mean everyone gets a pair. Bigger, older children need larger helpings than preschoolers. Sometimes it's Mary's turn for an afternoon out, sometimes it's John's. It will all eventually come out more or less even if you're paying attention. So if one of mine complains? I respond, "yeah I see that he has the last cookie...but I think you got hot chocolate this morning so you don't need more sugar." Or, "He got the bigger piece? Yeah, he needs more calories because he's bigger but you are still small enough to climb in my lap, so there's that :)". Different privileges for different people.

[caedmyn]

Hey, for the equal amount of food, we have a plan at my house when 2 people split something. One person divides the item, and the other person chooses first. The first person is very motivated to equally divide the portion. So I might allow the kids to start serving the food items, but no one who divides gets to go first in choosing.

 

Yeah...well in theory we have this rule.  In practice, generally any time the 8 YO is involved he divides something and then quickly does something (takes a bite out of or licks the piece/each piece, breaks it into a bazillion pieces, puts a sweetener on one portion of pancakes that they know other child doesn't want, etc) to whichever portion he prefers so that child two will no longer want it and come hollering to me about the unfairness of it all.  Somehow I rarely manage to be with it enough to prevent this.  

 

I did warn them the other day that if I heard any more complaining about food, the complaining child would lose that meal entirely.  One child has lost a meal so far...  I've tried taking some of the complainer's food and giving it to the sibling they were complaining got the bigger portion, but that really didn't seem to deter them any.

 

I have contemplated telling them all that they've lost their privilege to talk for an entire day, and then telling them that if they wanted the privilege to talk they'd better make sure pleasant things were coming out of their mouths.  I doubt I could enforce it though.

[Barb_]

Yeah...well in theory we have this rule. In practice, generally any time the 8 YO is involved he divides something and then quickly does something (takes a bite out of or licks the piece/each piece, breaks it into a bazillion pieces, puts a sweetener on one portion of pancakes that they know other child doesn't want, etc) to whichever portion he prefers so that child two will no longer want it and come hollering to me about the unfairness of it all. Somehow I rarely manage to be with it enough to prevent this.

 

I did warn them the other day that if I heard any more complaining about food, the complaining child would lose that meal entirely. One child has lost a meal so far... I've tried taking some of the complainer's food and giving it to the sibling they were complaining got the bigger portion, but that really didn't seem to deter them any.

 

I have contemplated telling them all that they've lost their privilege to talk for an entire day, and then telling them that if they wanted the privilege to talk they'd better make sure pleasant things were coming out of their mouths. I doubt I could enforce it though.

Ugh. I hear you. Sometimes a bad habit is so entrenched that it takes on a life of its own. :grouphug:

[katilac]

    In practice, generally any time the 8 YO is involved he divides something and then quickly does something (takes a bite out of or licks the piece/each piece, breaks it into a bazillion pieces, puts a sweetener on one portion of pancakes that they know other child doesn't want, etc) to whichever portion he prefers so that child two will no longer want it and come hollering to me about the unfairness of it all.   

 

I would give the other child the 'good' piece if one remained, and throw the other piece away. Or I would throw it all away if 8 YO ruined it for everyone but himself. I would definitely not let him have any of it.