Can you change from naturally pessimistic to naturally optimistic...

[bettyandbob]

Last night I was at a work meeting and we did a short partner exercise, the main point was listening to a partner, but I noticed how I and my partner handled our talking assignments. I was assigned to tell a happy story. I had a very hard time coming up with something positive. Then we switched roles and my friend had to tell a sad story --she had a very hard time doing that. 

 

My life is stressful. 

 

As hard as stuff seems for me, I know my friend has it worse. 

 

I know something bad happened to her last week. She mentioned that and then laughed and said it was no big deal. So we talked about how she is always cheerful. She says she thinks about stuff when it happens and then puts it out of her mind. She says she just can't think about bad stuff. 

 

I wish I could be more like that. I do try to work on gratitude and remind myself the good I have going on. 

 

[MomatHWTK]

I don't know if you can change your natural tendencies, but you can counteract them. Do a search for "intentional optimism" to target that trait in particular. For general behavioral and thought changes, research cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness. I was raised by someone with a critical spirit. Once I realized I was behaving in the same way, I began to consciously work to change my thoughts and behaviors. I don't want my kids to see me as someone who always finds fault. 

[bethben]

I moved to a location that has 300 days of sunshine. I always thought I was a melancholy/ pessimistic person. Just having so much sun has really changed my outlook. I am a lot happier and more optimistic despite the stress I do have in my life.

 

 

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[fraidycat]

I moved to a location that has 300 days of sunshine. I always thought I was a melancholy/ pessimistic person. Just having so much sun has really changed my outlook. I am a lot happier and more optimistic despite the stress I do have in my life.

 

 

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And living in an always sunny, 2 season place made me grouchy! There was nothing to get up for in the morning. Boooooooring. I love variety, grey-rainy days, and seasons. :)

 

I find that when I am doing intentional gratitude - not just a mental exercise, but writing it down every day and focusing on each thing I'm grateful for, my attitude improves. But, I've always been one to look for silver linings, so my set point is already on the optimistic side of things.

[speedmom4]

I used to be much more pessimistic but now I am much more positive and happy. I think age has helped that. Even though my life currently is stressful (son with serious health problems) I know it could be so much worse. Plenty of sleep, exercise, and healthy food make it easier to be positive as well. I am also living a very authentic life right now. About 4 years ago I stopped trying to be someone else and embraced who I was and it has made a huge difference as well. 

 

I know that social media and the news impact my happiness and occasionally I limit those influences when I feel it affecting my outlook on life. 

 

I hope some of that helps!

[SparklyUnicorn]

I doubt it. 

[gracie01]

I doubt it.

Thanks for making me snort this morning!

 

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[Kalmia]

I kinda like being a pessimist. My husband, the optimist, is constantly being disappointed. He thinks housing prices must go up after 9 years! Slap! Nope, still down in the neighborhood where we are trying to sell our house. Look! Some extra fun money this month! Slap! Nope, furnace needs a new part. I, on the other hand, assume that things are not going our way and everything is going to be more expensive than we think. I am sometimes pleasantly surprised when things go our way. I am not constantly disappointed like dh. I am just like, "Of course, our house has not increased in value in 9 years! We should learn from this and plan better in the future." "Of course I didn't press the buy button to spend the fun money before the month was out, there were two weeks left during which something could go wrong. Sure am glad we still have that cash!" I know I am a generally happier person than dh and I think it is because of practical pessimism. I think one could go too far into pessimism and become depressed. I stick to the prepared pessimist angle not the "everything is going to hell in a handbasket" doom and gloom angle and am not unhappy with my choice.

 

But for a completely opposite view here is Mr. Money Mustache on outrageous optimism. As usual in a MMM article there are swear words.

 

http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/10/03/the-practical-benefits-of-outrageous-optimism/

[SparklyUnicorn]

I kinda like being a pessimist. My husband, the optimist, is constantly being disappointed. He thinks housing prices must go up after 9 years! Slap! Nope, still down in the neighborhood where we are trying to sell our house. Look! Some extra fun money this month! Slap! Nope, furnace needs a new part. I, on the other hand, assume that things are not going our way and everything is going to be more expensive than we think. I am sometimes pleasantly surprised when things go our way. I am not constantly disappointed like dh. I am just like, "Of course, our house has not increased in value in 9 years! We should learn from this and plan better in the future." "Of course I didn't press the buy button to spend the fun money before the month was out, there were two weeks left during which something could go wrong. Sure am glad we still have that cash!" I know I am a generally happier person than dh and I think it is because of practical pessimism. I think one could go too far into pessimism and become depressed. I stick to the prepared pessimist angle not the "everything is going to hell in a handbasket" doom and gloom angle and am not unhappy with my choice.

 

But for a completely opposite view here is Mr. Money Mustache on outrageous optimism. As usual in a MMM article there are swear words.

 

http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/10/03/the-practical-benefits-of-outrageous-optimism/

 

Me too.  Not everyone can be all happy and cheerful and positive. 

 

LOL

 

I try not to complain and gripe to a point that annoys people around me.  Even I don't want to deal with that.  But I see things the way I see them. 

 

[gardenmom5]

yes it's possible - it takes persistence and regular effort.

 

I grew up in a very negative environment.

 

start with thinking of five positive things that happened to you each day.  NOT "abstract", but concrete things.

if something seems negative happens - look for the positive in it.   (back to the:  I'm going to find the silver  lining in this cloud if I have to wring it out myself.)

[mellifera33]

You might look at the work of Martin Seligman. 

[fraidycat]

I kinda like being a pessimist. My husband, the optimist, is constantly being disappointed. He thinks housing prices must go up after 9 years! Slap! Nope, still down in the neighborhood where we are trying to sell our house. Look! Some extra fun money this month! Slap! Nope, furnace needs a new part. I, on the other hand, assume that things are not going our way and everything is going to be more expensive than we think. I am sometimes pleasantly surprised when things go our way. I am not constantly disappointed like dh. I am just like, "Of course, our house has not increased in value in 9 years! We should learn from this and plan better in the future." "Of course I didn't press the buy button to spend the fun money before the month was out, there were two weeks left during which something could go wrong. Sure am glad we still have that cash!" I know I am a generally happier person than dh and I think it is because of practical pessimism. I think one could go too far into pessimism and become depressed. I stick to the prepared pessimist angle not the "everything is going to hell in a handbasket" doom and gloom angle and am not unhappy with my choice.

 

But for a completely opposite view here is Mr. Money Mustache on outrageous optimism. As usual in a MMM article there are swear words.

 

http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/10/03/the-practical-benefits-of-outrageous-optimism/

Optimism and practicality are not mutually exclusive. I'm a practical optimist. Finding the good in a situation does not equal living "on the edge", financially. One can choose to focus on the silver linings and still live in the reality of a depressed real estate market and needing to have an emergency fund.

 

Acceptance vs. expectance.

Edited January 19, 2017 by fraidycat

[Carol in Cal.]

You might look at the work of Martin Seligman. 

He has an apt name, since selig means blessed.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I used to get angry and frustrated easily (very pessimistic). I would yell and feel defeated.  I realized a few years ago I was letting life get to me and I had been doing it for years (maybe my whole life?). I decided I wasn't going to do that any longer.  I was going to be happy and more optimistic.  It wasn't overnight but everyone close to me has noticed the change.  I feel so much better.  I just started to let go of those things, especially the things I can do nothing about.  I will say that the one unforeseen negative is as I worried less DH has started to worry and stress more.  not having me there to do it for him. :glare:   It has caused some issues but then I've let that go too, figuring it's his coping mechanism and who am I to insist he calm the heck down. 

Edited January 19, 2017 by foxbridgeacademy

[Anne in CA]

I used to get angry and frustrated easily (very pessimistic). I would yell and feel defeated.  I realized a few years ago I was letting life get to me and I had been doing it for years (maybe my whole life?). I decided I wasn't going to do that any longer.  I was going to be happy and more optimistic.  It wasn't overnight but everyone close to me has noticed the change.  I feel so much better.  I just started to let go of those things, especially the things I can do nothing about.  I will say that the one unforeseen negative is as I worried less DH has started to worry and stress more.  not having me there to do it for him. :glare:   It has caused some issues but then I've let that go too, figuring it's his coping mechanism and who am I to insist he calm the heck down. 

Two people WILL polarize to some degree. It really clicked with me when I heard a money management person say that in EVERY relationship one person spends more money than the other, even if two spenders marry, one will be the saver and if two savers marry one will spend. 

 

I have probably become more "zen" in my life. I don't get all worked up about what I can't change. And I have come to some big conclusions recently that others would consider pretty scary, but I'm trusting that God will guide me for the better in the right timing. 

[purplejackmama]

I used to get angry and frustrated easily (very pessimistic). I would yell and feel defeated. I realized a few years ago I was letting life get to me and I had been doing it for years (maybe my whole life?). I decided I wasn't going to do that any longer. I was going to be happy and more optimistic. It wasn't overnight but everyone close to me has noticed the change. I feel so much better. I just started to let go of those things, especially the things I can do nothing about. I will say that the one unforeseen negative is as I worried less DH has started to worry and stress more. not having me there to do it for him. :glare: It has caused some issues but then I've let that go too, figuring it's his coping mechanism and who am I to insist he calm the heck down.

Help me. I want to be more like this. I would love to hear specific strategies you used. You can PM if it's too personal.

 

This gives me hope.

[speedmom4]

I kinda like being a pessimist. My husband, the optimist, is constantly being disappointed. He thinks housing prices must go up after 9 years! Slap! Nope, still down in the neighborhood where we are trying to sell our house. Look! Some extra fun money this month! Slap! Nope, furnace needs a new part. I, on the other hand, assume that things are not going our way and everything is going to be more expensive than we think. I am sometimes pleasantly surprised when things go our way. I am not constantly disappointed like dh. I am just like, "Of course, our house has not increased in value in 9 years! We should learn from this and plan better in the future." "Of course I didn't press the buy button to spend the fun money before the month was out, there were two weeks left during which something could go wrong. Sure am glad we still have that cash!" I know I am a generally happier person than dh and I think it is because of practical pessimism. I think one could go too far into pessimism and become depressed. I stick to the prepared pessimist angle not the "everything is going to hell in a handbasket" doom and gloom angle and am not unhappy with my choice.

 

But for a completely opposite view here is Mr. Money Mustache on outrageous optimism. As usual in a MMM article there are swear words.

 

http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/10/03/the-practical-benefits-of-outrageous-optimism/

 

You sound like me but I don't consider myself a pessimist at all but a realist. I think I'm a positive person but I don't expect everything to go well. My mother is like that I consider her a dreamer. 

[ikslo]

yes it's possible - it takes persistence and regular effort.

 

 

Then that wouldn't exactly be a switch to "naturally' optimistic, but a switch to "intentionally" optimistic.

[fraidycat]

Help me. I want to be more like this. I would love to hear specific strategies you used. You can PM if it's too personal.

 

This gives me hope.

One BIG (maybe the biggest) is letting go of your perception of control and Accepting what is or is not in your control.

 

Examples of things that used to bother me (make me angry/grouchy/stressed out):

 

My husband's work schedule.

My family's refusal to clean up after themselves.

My kids' or husband's reactions to things.

Bad attitudes of others.

Illness/injury

Etc.

 

Once I started owning MY attitudes/reactions and learned to just deal with what was in front of me vs. what my expectations were, I became happier, more optimistic, and it was easier to find the silver linings.

 

In other words "Not my monkeys, not my circus" is basically my life motto. If I can't control it, it's not mine to stress about.

 

ETA: I got interrupted, so I'll add the rest of my thought here.

 

One example of control and perception (or want/expectation) of control:

 

My DH's ridiculously long work hours. I used to get soooo angry at "the world" and the military because of his working hours. There was (is) no balance. Our life was always "on hold" because I'd wait around hoping to do family things or plan outings, depending on his work schedule and his (too good) work ethic. Man, I hated life at times.

 

But, then I realized, I did have control over MY part of it. I could go ahead and make plans. The kids and I could do fun things. If DH could swing it to join in, bonus! Funny thing too - once I started making me and the kids having a life a priority, all of a sudden some work things could be delegated or wait until Monday instead of staying late on Friday night. All the complaining (by me) about priorities and what is/is not emergency work in the world did nothing. But giving up my "need"/expectation to do things as a family, and on DH's schedule, set my life on a much more emotionally even/optimistic path. I can make plans and have a good attitude about it all if DH is present or absent and life is so much better. I own my part, and let others own theirs.

Edited January 19, 2017 by fraidycat

[maize]

Optimism and practicality are not mutually exclusive. I'm a practical optimist. Finding the good in a situation does not equal living "on the edge", financially. One can choose to focus on the silver linings and still live in the reality of a depressed real estate market and needing to have an emergency fund.

 

Acceptance vs. expectance.

This!

 

I am both optimistic and pragmatic. I easily see good in my circumstances, but have no trouble preparing for and dealing with the inevitable bumps of life.

[Guest]

I don't have an answer for you, really, but I have been noodling on this for awhile:  What is the difference between these two word pairings; is one a matter of temperament and the other a matter of faith; is one set more a matter of will than the other (therefore changeable); what is the relative meaning of each word pair?

 

Optimism - pessimism

Hope - despair

 

Like I said, no specific answers, but I think there has been benefit to my life in thinking about it.  

 

Also, I will say that I have made it a practice for nearly 25 years now to watch the words I use to describe my feelings and relationships with others...and I believe that the word choice *has* made a difference in my personality/temperament/whatever you call it.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

yes it's possible - it takes persistence and regular effort.

 

 

Then that's not exactly natural is it?

[gardenmom5]

Then that's not exactly natural is it?

 

you're training yourself.  eventually - you don't even think about it.  it becomes "natural".

 

eta: as I said - I grew up in a very negative home, and it was *always* easy to see the negative side of things.  I retrained myself.

Edited January 19, 2017 by gardenmom5

[Guest]

I used to get angry and frustrated easily (very pessimistic). I would yell and feel defeated.  I realized a few years ago I was letting life get to me and I had been doing it for years (maybe my whole life?). I decided I wasn't going to do that any longer.  I was going to be happy and more optimistic.  It wasn't overnight but everyone close to me has noticed the change.  I feel so much better.  I just started to let go of those things, especially the things I can do nothing about.  I will say that the one unforeseen negative is as I worried less DH has started to worry and stress more.  not having me there to do it for him. :glare:   It has caused some issues but then I've let that go too, figuring it's his coping mechanism and who am I to insist he calm the heck down. 

 

INTERESTING!  I have to say that you have illumined me as to why some changes have happened around here in this regard.  Thank you.

 

 

[Ausmumof3]

I doubt it.

😂😂😂

[Ausmumof3]

I don't have an answer for you, really, but I have been noodling on this for awhile: What is the difference between these two word pairings; is one a matter of temperament and the other a matter of faith; is one set more a matter of will than the other (therefore changeable); what is the relative meaning of each word pair?

 

Optimism - pessimism

Hope - despair

 

Like I said, no specific answers, but I think there has been benefit to my life in thinking about it.

 

Also, I will say that I have made it a practice for nearly 25 years now to watch the words I use to describe my feelings and relationships with others...and I believe that the word choice *has* made a difference in my personality/temperament/whatever you call it.

Hope and despair are emotional states that can live in one person at different times in different circumstances. To me optimism versus pessimism is more of a personality thing.

[Ausmumof3]

I think there's a happy middle ground that's ideal.

 

Excessively optimistic = I will always have plenty of money and a good job so let's spend and enjoy it

Realistically optimistic = I'm blessed to have enough money for my needs and Enough to put a little away for the future

Pessimistic = I will never have enough money for everything I need and money to save as well (well this could be accurate of course)

 

I think the ideal state is the middle one. Gratitude for what you have, acknowledgment that it's not a given, preparation for the future. I also think this is possible in most circumstances though not all. There is stuff that happens in people's life when there's no easy way to remain optimistic. I also think early life experiences shape this to some degree.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Help me. I want to be more like this. I would love to hear specific strategies you used. You can PM if it's too personal.

 

This gives me hope.

 

Not too personal, just not sure if I can put it into words that make a lot of sense.

 

One BIG (maybe the biggest) is letting go of your perception of control and Accepting what is or is not in your control.

 

Examples of things that used to bother me (make me angry/grouchy/stressed out):

 

My husband's work schedule.

My family's refusal to clean up after themselves.

My kids' or husband's reactions to things.

Bad attitudes of others.

Illness/injury

Etc.

 

Once I started owning MY attitudes/reactions and learned to just deal with what was in front of me vs. what my expectations were, I became happier, more optimistic, and it was easier to find the silver linings.

 

In other words "Not my monkeys, not my circus" is basically my life motto. If I can't control it, it's not mine to stress about.

 

ETA: I got interrupted, so I'll add the rest of my thought here.

 

One example of control and perception (or want/expectation) of control:

 

My DH's ridiculously long work hours. I used to get soooo angry at "the world" and the military because of his working hours. There was (is) no balance. Our life was always "on hold" because I'd wait around hoping to do family things or plan outings, depending on his work schedule and his (too good) work ethic. Man, I hated life at times.

 

But, then I realized, I did have control over MY part of it. I could go ahead and make plans. The kids and I could do fun things. If DH could swing it to join in, bonus! Funny thing too - once I started making me and the kids having a life a priority, all of a sudden some work things could be delegated or wait until Monday instead of staying late on Friday night. All the complaining (by me) about priorities and what is/is not emergency work in the world did nothing. But giving up my "need"/expectation to do things as a family, and on DH's schedule, set my life on a much more emotionally even/optimistic path. I can make plans and have a good attitude about it all if DH is present or absent and life is so much better. I own my part, and let others own theirs.

 

 

First start with this   :iagree:

 

 

If the house doesn't get clean today, it's okay. The kids were fed, no serious injuries, we're all here safe and sound.  I also picked my "must be dones" like dishes, and counters but if the floors aren't swept, the laundry needs done, oh well there's always tomorrow.  If not tomorrow then.... whenever I can and not a minute before.

 

Be willing to own your stuff. The stuff you feel, how you react.  When you mess up try to figure out why.  So the dog and kids were out in the rain and came in covered in wet and mud, they got it all over the floor and you (ok, me ) freaked out over the mess.  They were really happy, they'd had a blast but now I'm yelling? Why? Is it really because there's paw prints and water all over the floor or am I stressed about something else? (Usually bills).  Recognizing is 1/2 the battle.  The other 1/2 is figuring out how to leave the stress in the other room, and instead laugh at the silliness and grab towels to make cleaning the mess a family event.  Knowing when there is NOTHING you can do to fix the problem is a big help too. I'm a planner (aka worrier) I have a gazillion plans for all eventualities but I used to keep stressing over it  until I made myself sick. Now I try to remind myself that I have done EVERYTHING I can and any more will just make me a mess.  

 

But mostly I just started laughing more.  I tried to find the funny in everything, and you know, life is seriously funny sometimes.

 

 

 

*It also has helped me and my family a lot to apologize and explain to them when I do mess up and yell.  By explaining what's going on with me and also admitting I was wrong in how I handled it, helps them see me for the imperfect, but striving to be better, person I am. It also helps me get past the guilt and by acknowledging why, I can look for the warning signs sooner. 

[Guest]

Hope and despair are emotional states that can live in one person at different times in different circumstances. To me optimism versus pessimism is more of a personality thing.

Ok. So which can change? Which do you live into?

[CadenceSophia]

I really do believe you can change your natural reaction and perception of things by practicing. There was a point somewhere in my 20's that I realized I was a really yucky person (I used a much stronger word) and it kinda shocked me. I realized I didn't want to be that person so bit by bit I started taking out bad habits of thought. It took a LOT of mental work and correcting the thoughts that came into my head but now I am definitely an optimist and a far nicer person.

 

The mental aspect that helped with optimism specifically was replacing my first reaction with a list of things to be grateful for. "Well that really stinks, but I have food, water and dry clothes". My mom's uncle, when he'd get lost trying to drive somewhere, he'd say "Well it's a good road" -if your are going to be lost somewhere, at least it isn't a gravel road with huge mud pits. Always something to be thankful for!

 

I also think characterizing and labeling people is really damaging to your mental outlook and how situations weigh on you. It is quite two different things to say "she really didn't think about xyz when she acted this way" and "what a stupid woman!"

[Ausmumof3]

Ok. So which can change? Which do you live into?

Hope and despair are more easily changeable. I hope to go to the museum next week. I hope for a good outcome to my exam. I despair of ever having a clean house. or of course on the bigger sense "we hope for a positive outcome with xyz medical diagnosis".

 

Optimism and pessimism are less about a response to one event and more of an overall life outlook. Optimism means you will be positive about the likelihood of a good exam result, you assume that you are likely to have good health outcomes, instead of focussing on the messy house you think "well I'm glad my kids are home to make a mess". Pessimism looks at the same events and thinks "I can never pass that, I am going to get sicker and sicker and I can't cope, my house is always messy and I am an inadequate house keeper".

 

Although the religious version of hope and despair may be slightly different overall I think they are still there. For example I think David was an optimist "the lord will help me fight this giant", but through the psalms we see he also battled through times of despair.

[elegantlion]

My first thought was why would you want to?  :coolgleamA:

 

 

 

Ah, but pessimists actually see things more accurately (source; my psych textbook which I can't be bothered to go and find, sorry).  So you have to choose between happiness and accuracy. And hey, some of us have to stay accurate!

 

The Case for Pessimism

 

I've had a few people in my life that were overly optimistic while never learning how to deal with real challenges because, like the above article, they never expected the worse. I label myself a hopeful pessimist, part of that is defensive mechanism because I have been stunned when worse case scenarios happened in my life. 

 

As a pessimist I feel like I wouldn't be surprised by WCS (worst case scenarios) now because I've ran them over in my head a million times. I also write fiction, so I have a wicked vivid imagination. I'm also pretty good at problem solving, so I can break situations down into bite size pieces to get done, get over, or get rid of. I'm also less stressed because I don't expect life to be rosy all the time. I don't have to find the bright spot for everything while I'm in the midst of it. Gratitude sometimes comes afterward.

 

I've also learned to control my mouth. My inner pessimism does not show to everyone. I try not to complain about everything and I'm generally a pretty laid back kind of person who can hold a conversation without letting people know my "dark thoughts". Inwardly, I've probably already ran through several WCS scenarios before I got there today. 

 

Today, for instance, it saved me from being in an stupid accident in a parking lot because I knew that stupid driver was not going to see me and I stopped before they could hit me. Maybe that's just being observant, but there are certain situations where I don't expect the best from everyone or everything. Yesterday, I had a situation where I was optimistic and didn't ask all the questions I would have had my "pessimist radar" been on. Guess what? I should have asked because now I have to go fix my mistake from yesterday. It also involved a phone call last night, which as a hermited introvert I hate to make. 

 

I think you can be pessimistic without coming across as gloomy. 

[Garga]

I used to get angry and frustrated easily (very pessimistic). I would yell and feel defeated.  I realized a few years ago I was letting life get to me and I had been doing it for years (maybe my whole life?). I decided I wasn't going to do that any longer.  I was going to be happy and more optimistic.  It wasn't overnight but everyone close to me has noticed the change.  I feel so much better.  I just started to let go of those things, especially the things I can do nothing about.  I will say that the one unforeseen negative is as I worried less DH has started to worry and stress more.  not having me there to do it for him. :glare:   It has caused some issues but then I've let that go too, figuring it's his coping mechanism and who am I to insist he calm the heck down. 

 

 

Gasp!  This has been happening around here, too!  Oh, I have to go and muse about this for a while....

[Ausmumof3]

Gasp! This has been happening around here, too! Oh, I have to go and muse about this for a while....

I've had similar stuff but slightly different. I've always been the more responsible or cautious one. At a certain point I stopped being so responsible for everything and it was amazing how quickly dh picked up his game... Now it may have swung a bit far the other way 😂