Recovering from bullying

[Reader411]

Anyone deal with this for their DC?

 

DS has been homeschooled the last couple of years.  He went back to traditional school this fall and things were going well until he encountered some serious bullying.  DS is well liked by his peers and has enjoyed  school, but the bullying has undermined his confidence and is psychologically taking it's toll on him.  The school is taking it seriously, but part of me thinks it will be more damaging for him to return to the setting.  Classic bullying situation with bully taking advantage of less supervised settings to harass DS, threaten him, etc. 

 

Additionally my DS has underlying health issues so he is already bearing a lot.

 

If you have dealt with this (as a child) or with your child, what helped?  What hurt?  Regrets?

[Starr]

I removed a child from a youth setting and wished I had done it sooner.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

Is it your oldest?  Middle School?  If it is the middle school son I would ask him what he wants to do.  If he wants to go back then I would discuss honestly different strategies and scenarios for dealing with the bully.  Do some research together, read up on bullying together.  And practice different scenarios.  Is it one person or a person and followers?  If it is one person that may be a bit easier to deal with.  Does your son have any friends that would stand with him?  Support him?  What might help is working to strengthen his friendships at school.  Can you invite kids over to get to know him better, develop a stronger bond?  

 

I would also consider counseling, if you can find a good counselor that has handled kids who have dealt with bullying.

 

If he does not want to go back, then I wouldn't force him.  Bullying can cause life long emotional issues.  And I would still consider counseling.

[Tanaqui]

Bullying can cause life long emotional issues.

 

Isn't it actually one of the leading predictors of depression in adulthood?

 

[Reader411]

Yes, middle school.  Definitely causing emotional issues already.  He is undecided, but we have been asking him and encouraging him to really think it through.  I think it too much of an emotional problem for him to make a rational decision, although I definitely want his participation in the process.  So tricky. 

 

On one hand, he shouldn't be the one who "has" to leave and let the bully "win."  We don't want him to think we think he can't handle it.  We don't want him to think we should run from adversity/challenges in life.  However, I think it is too much for him to bear. 

[Tanaqui]

You're not letting the bully win. You're letting your son win, because his emotional health is more important.

[MomatHWTK]

Therapy in adulthood. In hindsight, therapy at the time would have been helpful. 

[Rosie_0801]

You're not letting the bully win. You're letting your son win, because his emotional health is more important.

 

Yup. Life is too long to put up with that kind of nonsense. And really, the bully wins if your son hangs around to be bullied.

[MomatHWTK]

They say we can't change others, only how we respond. I think a bully can change, but I also think it happens rarely. I wish all parents whose children were subject to bullies had the means and will to remove their child from the situation. I wish all parents of bullies had the will and means to get their child help. 

 

Posting with PHSD: Post Holiday Stress Disorder : )

[Arctic Bunny]

The thing that helped my son the most was pulling him and switching schools. We didn't let the bully win. We did what was best for DS. And it's not because he wasn't strong enough, it's because we are the parents and we make the big decisions. Leaving that school was not optional. However we did discuss with both kids their thoughts about homeschooling or going to a different school. They both wanted to go to a different school, so we made that happen. Best decision for the DS that was in distress. He had a teacher that "got" him and helped him, staff that watched to make sure he was okay. A year later, he casually dropped it into conversation that he made it through the last week at the old school because he hoped we'd move him. Unfortunately, he never said anything of the sort to us, so it really was all luck and good timing.

[mamamoose]

My dd is frequently picked on (bullied) by girls in her extracurricular activities and was picked on in school prior to homeschooling. It was one of the factors in our decision to pull the kids from school. She is 11 and weighs 50 pounds and is 6-10 inches shorter than most of her peers. She is the same size as many 8 year olds, and frequently kids refuse to accept her age and tell her she's 8. They exclude and say terrible things to her. I've moved her from one activity to another. Parents are terrible to her as well. It's very frustrating at times. She's much smarter than most kids too--anyway, I don't have advice. It's a cruel world.

[maize]

Getting out of the school (my family moved) was huge.

 

I'd pull him. I'm glad the school is trying but once the bullies identify a kid as a victim it is really hard to overcome that. The psychological impacts of bullying are often life long.

 

Get him out.

[OneStepAtATime]

The only reason I might consider keeping him in is if he has developed strong friendships and really enjoys being there except for one bully and he is strongly for staying in school.  You might still be able to turn things around if you, and the school, and the bully's parents are able to work together to help them through this.  However, if he is waffling/uncertain I would pull him in a heartbeat.  He may not want to share with you just how stressed out he is.

 

I agree with maize, once someone is labeled as a victim it can be exceedingly difficult to break out of that mindset.  Other people will start to see him the same way...a victim.  Someone who is weak and can be picked on.  It can escalate.  And he may only be sharing the tip of the iceberg.

[Grantmom]

First of all, hugs mama.  I know it is really hard to go through this and it is devastating to know your child has been in this position and you couldn't protect him.  If I thought my child was in physical danger, or that there was even a chance that he could be, I would pull him immediately.  Personally, I would want assurance from the school that there will be constant supervision of the bully, and that my child will never be alone with the bully.  As to how to guide the child on making that decision about whether or not to stay in school, I think that depends on so many things.  The age of the child, the situation at home and at school, whether or not going back to homeschooling would be a positive thing, etc.  I know so many people who homeschooled their kids, then their child wanted to go to school, and they did, and decided it wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and then came back home.  So to me, that wouldn't be that big of a deal, and I would not look at it as the bully winning.  In fact, it angers me that our kids in schools don't get the kind of treatment adults would get in the workplace.  If you were bullied by a co-worker in the workplace, it would not be tolerated.  At all. Period.  And if it was, would you stay?  I wouldn't!  I would find a new job.  However, bullying can happen to homeschoolers, too.  It has and does happen, in groups, in neighborhoods, in extracurricular activities.  So many things to consider.  I am sorry your DS is going through this and hope you find a quick and effective path to making it stop.

[readinmom]

If you don't take a stand with admin of school about the bullying, it will never end...

 

We pulled dd from prestigious charter due to bullying/lowered self-esteem issues this year.  Because of so many other underlying issues, I didn't fight as hard as I should have.  I regret it.  Kids moved on to bullying someone else and now there is a pending lawsuit.

 

 As others have said, equip your dc with the necessary tools to stop bullies in their tracks.   Even in this era of anti-bullying, it still exists.  It's just become so subtle to fly under adult radar while still packing enough punch to damage the victim's self-esteem.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to your dc, because it is so painful.  

[abacus2]

If the school were really serious, the bully would not be allowed in less supervised settings. Don't give the school a pass. They can change this. It's just inconvenient for them to do what they really need to stop it. They can prevent the bully from having any access to your child. Too many parents give schools a pass because they don't want to cause trouble. It is the bully causing trouble. If the bully isn't bearing the consequences and prevented access to their victims if they continue, then the school isn't stopping it. 

 

That said, the simplest and probably best solution is to pull your son. His responses sound as though he wants to be safe, but doesn't want to bear the responsibility for the decision to leave the school.

[lmrich]

I was bullied in 4th grade. The school took it seriously; her parents took it seriously. The bully got help. I got help. My classmates got help. It was a miracle that back in 1979 a school was so proactive. 

 

What a shame schools and people (the parents of the bully) can't do the right thing. 

 

I will say, that it might be too big of a decision for your son to make. You will need to follow your mom instincts. Either way, get him some help; middle school kids have a different way of processing things than we do as adults. 

[Ellie]

Yes, middle school.  Definitely causing emotional issues already.  He is undecided, but we have been asking him and encouraging him to really think it through.  I think it too much of an emotional problem for him to make a rational decision, although I definitely want his participation in the process.  So tricky. 

 

On one hand, he shouldn't be the one who "has" to leave and let the bully "win."  We don't want him to think we think he can't handle it.  We don't want him to think we should run from adversity/challenges in life.  However, I think it is too much for him to bear. 

 

Bullying is not "adversity/challenges in life." Of course he can't handle it. No one can handle it. The bully doesn't win, because he'll have to stay in school and your son will have freedom.

 

I was bullied through most of eighth grade. Took me *years* to recover.

[OneStepAtATime]

Yes, middle school.  Definitely causing emotional issues already.  He is undecided, but we have been asking him and encouraging him to really think it through.  I think it too much of an emotional problem for him to make a rational decision, although I definitely want his participation in the process.  So tricky. 

 

On one hand, he shouldn't be the one who "has" to leave and let the bully "win."  We don't want him to think we think he can't handle it.  We don't want him to think we should run from adversity/challenges in life.  However, I think it is too much for him to bear. 

FWIW, there was a thread on the Chat board maybe a couple of years ago regarding bullying.  I don't remember exactly what the original post was saying but basically there were a zillion and one posts FROM ADULTS who were still dealing with the emotional fall out from being bullied in school.  Many have never really recovered and it has had long term consequences.

 

Bullying can cause life long issues.  And bullying can cause far more damage emotionally than physically.  

 

He wouldn't be running from a challenge.  He would be removing himself from a damaging situation.  Think of it this way.  If you were tossed into a pit with a lion, would you feel obligated to stay because you don't run from a challenge?  Or would you recognize that you are in danger and remove yourself from that danger as soon as possible?

[Garga]

I was ostracized as a kid from 4th - 12th grade. I started out as a kid in 3rd grade with lots of friends. Then I moved to a new school where the kids were pretty tough (Baltimore City--they just were tough, language, fights, etc.). I wasn't tough enough and they could tell and did some mild picking on me. I never felt safe anywhere, and I retreated into a shell. So they picked more. I retreated more. I was terrified all the time. Constant adrenaline and stress in my body.

 

Then I moved to a new school in 5th grade, but by then I was a little mouse and scared of everyone and became friends with a "nerd" who was kind to me before I realized that being friends with her would label me as a "nerd" too. And that was it. We were the nerds in the class and no one would come near us for the next 3 years.

 

By the time I moved to yet another school in 8th grade, I was incapable of making friends or having conversations with my peers. I was more of a mouse than ever, scared of everyone. No one would talk to me. I made one friend in high school and she was a lifeline, but she was a crabby teenager who was always snipping at me. So...the only person who talked to me was someone who constantly snipped at me, in between bouts of hilarious joking and laughter. It was complicated.

 

When it was time for college, I refused to go. I couldn't stand another second of being ostracized by my peers. I had a job and figured I'd just work my way up and would get by with my high school diploma. I met a man who loved me and married him within 9 months of meeting him when I was 19 years old.

 

I believe these were bad decisions (no college, early marriage), all stemming back from when I started being picked on in 4th grade. I do suffer from a sense of sadness quite a bit of the time and find it extremely difficult to connect with other people.

 

 

If everyone else in the school is great to your son, and if the school handles the bully, then it could be ok. But I don't know how that works. I don't know if that sort of thing is ever successful. I never had a group of kids who liked me, against one bully. It was always everyone against me.

 

For me, being pulled from school would have entirely changed my life. I can't think about it too much because the idea would have been so wonderful, but didn't happen, that it makes me sad to remember living through the hell of constant rejection knowing that if only my mom had heard of homeschooling I could have gotten out of it. It was hell. I cried every night before bed from 4th-11th grade. 12th was a bit of relief because I went to school 1/2 a day and work 1/2 a day. The crying stopped in 12th.

 

 

So...if you honestly believe the school will handle it, and IF all the other kids treat your son well, it could work.

 

If not, get him out of there.

[maize]

My experience was similar to Garga's--I basically withdrew completely from social interaction. I did go to college and started to recover there, but bullying in the middle school years had profound effects on me.

 

This is not a mild issue and it should absolutely not be on the victim's shoulders to deal with.

[cintinative]

Unfortunately, I also had a similar experience to Garga's.  Mine started at a very young age (K), took a brief hiatus and started again in 4th and continued through high school. I *begged* my parents to let me switch schools in high school, but they would not let me.  I would love to tell you that "what didn't kill me made me stronger."  In some ways I am stronger because I care less now what people think of me.  But those are fragile, important years.  I am still to this day dealing with the residual from this.  Counseling has been helpful and ultimately I think I have greater compassion because of it, but if my kids were in the same situation in a school, I would pull them in a heartbeat if the school was not responding.

[OneStepAtATime]

My dd is frequently picked on (bullied) by girls in her extracurricular activities and was picked on in school prior to homeschooling. It was one of the factors in our decision to pull the kids from school. She is 11 and weighs 50 pounds and is 6-10 inches shorter than most of her peers. She is the same size as many 8 year olds, and frequently kids refuse to accept her age and tell her she's 8. They exclude and say terrible things to her. I've moved her from one activity to another. Parents are terrible to her as well. It's very frustrating at times. She's much smarter than most kids too--anyway, I don't have advice. It's a cruel world.

:grouphug:

 

My cousin who is my age had the opposite problem but a similar result.  He was very tall for his age and was treated like he should know more/be able to do more/have greater functionality than his same age peers.  They expected him to be like other kids of a similar size.  He got picked on for most of elementary.

Edited December 29, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[Ravin]

Every bullying situation with DD we've had to deal with, the school has intervened appropriately and the bully modified behavior. If the bully isn't toeing the line with school intervention, then it's on the school to remove the bully from the situation. If they aren't protecting your son, they aren't taking it seriously.

[Reader411]

Thank you all for your opinions, advice, and shared experiences.  It has been a very difficult time and decision to make for DS.  We won't be sending him back to that school.  I explained to him that the cost (risk) is too great.  And we will be going to counseling to try to get some closure and healing from the process. 

[Arctic Bunny]

Thank you all for your opinions, advice, and shared experiences. It has been a very difficult time and decision to make for DS. We won't be sending him back to that school. I explained to him that the cost (risk) is too great. And we will be going to counseling to try to get some closure and healing from the process.

((Hugs)) to him and to you.

[displace]

Hugs

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I think you made the right decision.  I wish you both good fortune in your journey.

[Guest]

The bullies my son drew are having bad lives. At the middle school level, they don't get away with verbal harrassment because every Student in hearing distance calls them out and refers them to peer intervention. Physical harrassment is handled by pressing charges, the judge will work with the family and also award restitution for the victims medical costs. What helps the victim is knowing that the school culture is on their side, as is the court.