Accusatory neighbor dad

[Janie Grace]

We have a neighbor family who is very nice; they have 2 kids our kids have played with over the years. The dad is a little nosy and overly talkative (sometimes venturing into "left-wing conspiracy" land) but they are sweet people. He is a trust fund baby with not enough to do, I think, so he takes a lot of interest in the goings-on of the neighborhood. 

 

My kids have watered his plants and done other things while they have been away. They know where he hides his outside key because of this.

 

Both of our families were away for the week of Thanksgiving. When neighbor guy returned (day after us), his TV was on. He is 100% convinced that our sons broke into his house to watch TV. This makes no sense. We were away, we got cable a few months ago so their TV is no better than ours, and my kids were accounted for all that time. I think maybe his kid flipped it on and in the rush of leaving for the beach, he didn't notice. But he SWEARS this cannot be because he CHECKED. There was a power outage while we were away. Could the return of power turn on a TV???

 

There is palpable tension now. I think he's being ridiculous. He told his son (who told our kids) that he still thinks it was them. What in the world?!? The son also told our kids that when they are not around, he blames stuff on them (anything that is lost, broken, etc). And then -- totally different issue -- he recently took them out to do something, I gave the kids money to pay their own way, he refused to accept it, and then he complained to his kid about our kids mooching.  :willy_nilly:

 

The weird thing is, this guy genuinely cares about our family (I think). He is always bringing us veggies from his garden, seems concerned when someone is sick, etc. I guess he could be maintaining contact to stay in the know and "connected" (he is kinda like that -- anytime he's out, he's schmoozing like he is running for office or something). But I hate to think that way... he seems like he considers us close friends. Ugh, I don't know. But I am really ticked that he is slamming my boys like this. 

WWYD?

Edited December 5, 2016 by Janie Grace

[NorthwestMom]

I would politely and quietly back away from the crazy.

[Janie Grace]

I would politely and quietly back away from the crazy.

 

 

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:

[Guest]

I would politely and quietly back away from the crazy.

Agree. I wouldn't want a "friend" like that.

[Liz CA]

Since the kids are friends - and if they want to remain friends, it may be best to teach your boys polite but firm responses i.e., " I can see that it must feel weird that your TV was on. I know I did not come into your house and turn it on,"  and letting it go after that. If this is possible or not will of course depend on your kids' ages as well.

Also, people like this often give the appearance of caring because it makes them feel and look good..."look here, I think of my neighbors when I harvest my squash." But it is actually more about them than the other person or people.

 

[OneStepAtATime]

If it were just the one misunderstanding I would attempt to talk to him directly and try to clear things up but in this instance I do not believe that a conversation is going to help.  Which is a shame since it seems that for the most part you have had good relations, at least on the surface.

 

I guess you are hearing this third hand, though?  From your kids who heard it all from the child of the man in question?  You have not talked to him directly?  

[OneStepAtATime]

Since the kids are friends - and if they want to remain friends, it may be best to teach your boys polite but firm responses i.e., " I can see that it must feel weird that your TV was on. I know I did not come into your house and turn it on,"  and letting it go after that. If this is possible or not will of course depend on your kids' ages as well.

Also, people like this often give the appearance of caring because it makes them feel and look good..."look here, I think of my neighbors when I harvest my squash." But it is actually more about them than the other person or people.

Agree with all of this...

[gardenmom5]

We have a neighbor family who is very nice; they have 2 kids our kids have played with over the years. The dad is a little nosy and overly talkative (sometimes venturing into "left-wing conspiracy" land) but they are sweet people. He is a trust fund baby with not enough to do, I think, so he takes a lot of interest in the goings-on of the neighborhood. 

 

My kids have watered his plants and done other things while they have been away. They know where he hides his outside key because of this.

 

Both of our families were away for the week of Thanksgiving. When neighbor guy returned (day after us), his TV was on. He is 100% convinced that our sons broke into his house to watch TV. This makes no sense. We were away, we got cable a few months ago so their TV is no better than ours, and my kids were accounted for all that time. I think maybe his kid flipped it on and in the rush of leaving for the beach, he didn't notice. But he SWEARS this cannot be because he CHECKED. There was a power outage while we were away. Could the return of power turn on a TV???

 

There is palpable tension now. I think he's being ridiculous. He told his son (who told our kids) that he still thinks it was them. What in the world?!? The son also told our kids that when they are not around, he blames stuff on them (anything that is lost, broken, etc). And then -- totally different issue -- he recently took them out to do something, I gave the kids money to pay their own way, he refused to accept it, and then he complained to his kid about our kids mooching.  :willy_nilly:

 

The weird thing is, this guy genuinely cares about our family (I think). He is always bringing us veggies from his garden, seems concerned when someone is sick, etc. I guess he could be maintaining contact to stay in the know and "connected" (he is kinda like that -- anytime he's out, he's schmoozing like he is running for office or something). But I hate to think that way... he seems like he considers us close friends. Ugh, I don't know. But I am really ticked that he is slamming my boys like this. 

WWYD?

 

 

My grandmother did stuff like this all the time. offer refreshments, then complain  people only came to her house to eat. so, I politely started refusing any and all offers of food.  -she'd complain about that too.   she was obsessed with appearances.  (and complain  behind the person's  back.)

 

combined with the other things.. . the guy isn't one I would ever trust to be truthful or *rational*.    what you see is NOT what you get.

 

I'd let the kids play - but I would back off and keep the adult relationship civil and polite for the sake of the kids - always keeping in mind he's cray cray.

[Garga]

WTMers, what do you think of this:  What if the OP gave him some money and said, "It's bothering me that you think my sons break into your house. They don't. Here is some money for new locks.  Please change the locks on your house and don't give us the key so that you can stop accusing my sons of breaking and entering."

 

Ok--what are the weaknesses in that suggestion?  That is sounds like she's admitting they broke and entered?  I don't know.  It's the first thing I thought of:  if he thinks they're using the key to get in, change the locks!

 

 

Nah.  I think I've changed my mind.  I think I'd just back away as much as possible from him.  Let him change his own locks with his own money.  Let the kids play at your house if possible.  Avoid him when you can.  Become distant.

Edited December 5, 2016 by Garga

[bolt.]

I think I'd be most likely to tell him that I'm just not comfortable with my kids being aware of his outdoor key location. So would he mind choosing a new spot, or getting a combo-based key box?

[Ailaena]

 

My parents have a television set that turns on when the power goes out. Absolutely nobody has been able to figure out why it does that. I mean, we have not consulted loads of people, but...

 

Also, just because a person acts friendly and caring towards you does not mean he actually considers you friends behind closed doors.

[Seasider]

I think I'd be most likely to tell him that I'm just not comfortable with my kids being aware of his outdoor key location. So would he mind choosing a new spot, or getting a combo-based key box?

This is what came to mind. I wouldn't want my kids to have the liability of even knowing where the key is, and there would be no house-sitting or other tasks accepted in the future that would require that they know.

[RioSamba]

I would politely and quietly back away from the crazy.

He's not your friend. The thing with the money is so creepy!

[Harriet Vane]

I would not let this rest. It is a matter of integrity, and it could really bite you if he makes an official accusation of stealing something big. You do not want this crazy man to ever prosecute your boys legally. At this point he could say it has been an ongoing problem, and your boys would be screwed.

 

And I would not trust in his being too nice to do something like that. You know for certain that he lies to you, that he spreads unsubstantiated lies about your boys behind your back, and that he is paranoid. It doesn't matter if he does all this with a smile on his face--he is not a nice man.

 

Put it in writing that your boys have never been in his house unsupervised or without permission. List the times you HAVE been in the house (taking care of plants or whatever). For the TV incident, put it in writing that you were out of town, etc. 

 

Tell him in writing that you are uncomfortable with his accusations, and ask him to hide the key elsewhere or change the locks. 

 

 

[Grover]

1) our TV turns on when the power comes back on

2) tell him to move his key if it concerns him

3) my mother is this guy.  He does stuff so he looks good.  When you accept you open yourself to being talked about to everyone - accept a ride "can't keep fuel in the car", accept hand me downs "can't clothe the kids", accept his treat somewhere "mooch off me".  Nice to your face to gather information adn then twist it and spread it.  I'd back off and be polite / civil but share nothing. 

 

 

[kiwik]

Politely ask if he needs the name of a professional specialising in paranoia?

[DawnM]

WTMers, what do you think of this:  What if the OP gave him some money and said, "It's bothering me that you think my sons break into your house. They don't. Here is some money for new locks.  Please change the locks on your house and don't give us the key so that you can stop accusing my sons of breaking and entering."

 

Ok--what are the weaknesses in that suggestion?  That is sounds like she's admitting they broke and entered?  I don't know.  It's the first thing I thought of:  if he thinks they're using the key to get in, change the locks!

 

 

Nah.  I think I've changed my mind.  I think I'd just back away as much as possible from him.  Let him change his own locks with his own money.  Let the kids play at your house if possible.  Avoid him when you can.  Become distant.

 

New dead bolts cost upwards of $150 or more.  I would guess they have at least 3 entrances to their home.   

 

No, I would not give them any money.  And yes, it is admitting that you may have done something wrong.

 

"Look, they even gave us money because they know their kids did it."

 

This man is nuts.  Here is what I would do:

 

Only have the kids get together on YOUR property.  Politely refuse any "gifts" he gives you.  Say no when he wants to take your kids out, but invite their kids if you want to have them come with you.

[bettyandbob]

Limit involvement with neighbor, including your ds's. They can hang at your house or outside, not at neighbors and no rides or events with neighbor.

 

Crazy.

[The Girls' Mom]

Ugh.  My MIL is like this.  (like telling my niece and nephew, who live next door to come and get whatever snacks they wanted out of her kitchen while they are on vacation, then complaining to me later that the kids just come and eat her pantry down to the bone while she's away.  Which, if you'd seen her pantry, an army couldn't empty it!)

 

I can't distance myself from MIL, so I just ignore it.  And I don't let her do very much for us, because she'll complain about it later.

 

So...your options are to either ignore it, or distance yourself from him.  Either way, I wouldn't let your boys accept anything "generous" from him, or let them do any house/pet sitting.

[Valley Girl]

I would not let this rest. It is a matter of integrity, and it could really bite you if he makes an official accusation of stealing something big. You do not want this crazy man to ever prosecute your boys legally. At this point he could say it has been an ongoing problem, and your boys would be screwed.

 

And I would not trust in his being too nice to do something like that. You know for certain that he lies to you, that he spreads unsubstantiated lies about your boys behind your back, and that he is paranoid. It doesn't matter if he does all this with a smile on his face--he is not a nice man.

 

Put it in writing that your boys have never been in his house unsupervised or without permission. List the times you HAVE been in the house (taking care of plants or whatever). For the TV incident, put it in writing that you were out of town, etc. 

 

Tell him in writing that you are uncomfortable with his accusations, and ask him to hide the key elsewhere or change the locks. 

 

This.

 

Send it certified (or whatever it's called so that you get signature back). I might even go so far as to contact the power company to see if you can get something in writing about what day(s) the power was off while you were away. I might also--if I knew what brand or type TV he has--pull up some manufacturer's information about TVs going on after a power failure and include that information in my letter. Just to show that I meant business and was going to refute his false allegations with facts. I'd also document any incidents in detail for my own records just in case I needed it in the future.

 

Just hearing about this guy gives me the creeps. I would not want my kids around him or on his property ever again. He is NOT a nice neighbor. Something is really off.

 

Sorry you're dealing with the situation.

 

[SquirrellyMama]

Can he test the power outage theory by flipping the breaker for that outlet from the breaker box? That would simulate a power outage.

 

I'd be very uncomfortable with this accusation. What if he accuses them of stealing?

 

How stressful!

[Bambam]

Yes, I agree with everyone who suggests requesting him to relocate his hidden key (or just don't have one,  others can find it too). 

And I'd not want my kids to go over there. His kids can come over to my house/yard, but my kids are not going over there again.

If he wants them to water his plants, whatever, while they are out of town, the answer is NO.

You could probably show him that some TVs come back on during a power outage, but that wouldn't satisfy him, I think. 

Neighbors are hard. You have my sympathy. 

[Ellesmere]

I agree with what's been said -- stop accepting stuff, don't go over there, no more house-sitting, putting things in writing, stop thinking he is "sweet", etc. I've learned that sometimes gifts come with large strings attached and are not actually signs of generosity. I distanced myself from someone who had a case of martyr syndrome over problems she created with her "gifts" but this sounds different. One similarity, though, is the outward schmoozing and giving people an image of himself as a caring, generous, involved person. But look what he is doing to your family. A really caring person would be coming to you, if he really thought it was your kids, and wanting to talk, parent to parent and not venting this to his kids and who knows who else is hearing this. And a caring person doesn't refuse payment and tell his kids that yours are moochers.

I admit I am probably paranoid because I would not want any of them on my property anymore. I'd be afraid if anything happened with their kids at my house, the dad would be making accusations. And yet, I'd not want to be on the bad side of someone who I have to be neighbors with. I don't know if it is practical where you live but I'd be more inclined to say, when the kids want to see each other-- let's meet at the library or the park or playground or somewhere public instead of being at our house. Definitely do nothing that involves money together.

But I am not used to just having people come and go at my house regularly, so I'm not saying my ideas are normal.

 

[MinivanMom]

I have a dear friend whose family had a relationship like this with a neighbor who had also been the kids' teacher at school. She just loved the kids and seemed so nice and was always doing things for them and up in their business. And she would ask the kids to housesit when she was out of town, and she would offer to keep guests for them during special occasions (I actually stayed in this woman's guest room when I was in town for a wedding with the family).

 

About a year after I stayed with her, the neighbor came home from a vacation and claimed a necklace had gone missing while she was gone. She accused their son who had a key and was house-sitting. It became a huge mess, and she wound up actually suing them in court (since the police refused to pursue it). It was a horrible, horrible experience for them.

 

I would back away from this guy completely. You've gotten good advice about how to cover yourself in terms of liability (document power outage, ask him to move the keys, don't ever let your kids go over to their home again). But you do not want your kids mixed up in this.