Funny or over the top?

[SKL]

The 8ish year old child is the bio child of the parents. It was said by the mother along with a backstory detailing how the child was left by a Mexican mother who had gotten pregnant by a GI . Yes, the justification was "it was a joke. You have no sense of humor." Neither of the other siblings had 'jokes' like this played on them.

 

This was all said to an 8yo?  My kids at 8yo would have been horrified at that kind of [sex-related] conversation.  Many 8yos would just not understand it.

 

It is possible the other siblings have had their turn at being teased similarly.  Not that this makes it OK....

[Lady Florida.]

 

Also, the teasing in predicated on the belief that there's something wrong with having been adopted or being foreign. I mean what's the joke here?  Let's say the child is not biological or only biological to one parent. So what? They're family, aren't they?  So what if they had been adopted from parents of a different heritage?  Again, they're still family, aren't they?  

 

I don't get how it's teasing because I don't get how the underlying concept is funny.  "Haha, those of you who are foreign adoptees never really belong in the family!" I mean how is that funny? 

 

 

 

^^^Yes!^^

[Murphy101]

This was all said to an 8yo? My kids at 8yo would have been horrified at that kind of [sex-related] conversation. Many 8yos would just not understand it.

 

It is possible the other siblings have had their turn at being teased similarly. Not that this makes it OK....

I would have very clearly understood it at 8 bc I did not grow up in a home that thought any topic was not acceptable around children of any age. I don't remember ever not understanding what sex is, it was just not considered an adult only topic. Nothing was.

 

My 8 yr olds might not have caught the sexual meaning implied, but they absolutely would have understood that it meant they weren't really wanted, accepted, and fully one of us. My current 8 yr old, she likely would have smiled or even laughed in nervous or polite confusion with everyone else and then cried all night that no one loved her and wished she didn't exist.

[frugalmamatx]

Not funny at all. 

 

I get the same thing when out with my daughter - I am fair, green eyes, sandy brown hair {that I dye red}. DD is medium complexion, warm brown eyes and dark brown hair. If we happen to have her friends {both fair with light brown/blonde hair} with us, most folks assume her friends are my kids and she is the friend tagging along. I HATE it. DD is fine with it though because she knows my family is all over the place looks-wise thanks to native american ancestry. Plus she is a carbon copy of my red headed fair niece - so much so we joke DD's toner was heavy :)

 

[PeachyDoodle]

DH's mother and older brother convinced him as a child that he was adopted. It doesn't seem to bother him -- he laughs about it -- but I think it's mean. I wouldn't allow it to happen in my house.

 

Then again, a lot of things happened in dh's childhood home that I wouldn't allow in mine... :glare:

[Selkie]

Poor kid, how awful to have a mother who would play a nasty trick like that.  She sounds like a real piece of work.  :(

[dirty ethel rackham]

I vote MEAN!  I am gobsmacked. This goes well beyond affectionate teasing.  On what planet would that be funny?!?.  I know someone whose siblings tried to pull that (one kids did not have the trademark red hair that everyone else did.)  But once the parents found out about it, they put a stop to it and punished the other kids. 

[gardenmom5]

The 8ish year old child is the bio child of the parents. It was said by the mother along with a backstory detailing how the child was left by a Mexican mother who had gotten pregnant by a GI . Yes, the justification was "it was a joke. You have no sense of humor." Neither of the other siblings had 'jokes' like this played on them.

 

maybe she was getting around and is feeling guilty.  maybe she's just very resentful to have a child that has different coloring.  she's is so  out of line- it's just mean.

and her "it was a joke, you have no sense of humor" is because SHE feels guilty being called on it, but doesn't want to admit/apologize.  has the child objected?  if so she is even worse.

with further information - I agree it has entered the realm of psychological abuse.  it's just nasty.  (and she *knows* it.)

 

 

Statistic don't mean squat with individual reality.

 

I have blue eyes, once very blond and now dark brown hair. Olive tinted fair skin. My dad was blue eyed blond, my mom was green eye dark brunette.

 

Dh is brown eyes and red hair from brown eyed, brown haired parents.

 

I have a wide mix in my 11 children.

 

Brown eyes with very light blond hair

Brown eyes with dark blond

Hazel eyes with dark brunette

Blue eyed brunette

Blue eyed very light curly blond

Bright green and curl light blond

Green and brunette

Brown eyes and red hair

 

Skin is everything from red head pale to medium tanned.

 

And all of my kids over 13 are taller than both dh and I and all their grandparents.

 

When dh and I do something with just one or two kids, pending which kid it is, we have had people ask "where did they come from" or "where did they get *whatever physical trait* from". I think it's rather rude, but I pending the person asking and my mood, I either just say me/dh, or I quip that it must be Juan, The Poolboy.

 

It was insinuated I might have been the mailman's baby growing up bc I'm very different from my siblings in lots of ways and so much younger. It wasn't funny then either, but thanks to that, now I don't feel guilty about hoping I was the bartenders and not actually of the same stock as such mean people.

 

 

the attention 1dd got as a child for having red hair . . . If I had a buck for every time I heard "where did she get that  red hair" - we'd have had a good dent in her college tuition.

dh taught her to respond "it came with the head".

 

really - those types of questions  are stupid.

 

I know it didn't help my bil always getting  comments about how different he was from his siblings. 

 

 

eta: at least the US doesn't have the prejudice against redheads that still exists in the UK.  (I've read so many nasty comments by brits regarding "gingers" (not talking about the one's against the weasleys in HP.) . . . don't try and tell me it doesn't exist.)

Edited November 26, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Farrar]

Well, I defended it as being possibly not bad, but with the added information that the child is 8, that this sort of joke isn't played on the other kids in general, and what the whole imaginary "backstory" is (I find it offensive, honestly)... I'm going to go with cruel. There's a weird disconnect to me that a parent was in on the joke like that but doesn't tease the other kids.

[Guest]

If the kid was a teenager or adult it could be funny briefly, just as a joke. Followed by mom and dad showing them pregnancy and hospital pictures to counter the argument.

 

For a child it's completely messed up and I'd be furious. That is NOT a seed you want to plant in the mind of many kids where it could take root and undermine their confidence or sense of belonging. No friggin way.

[ktgrok]

Well, I defended it as being possibly not bad, but with the added information that the child is 8, that this sort of joke isn't played on the other kids in general, and what the whole imaginary "backstory" is (I find it offensive, honestly)... I'm going to go with cruel. There's a weird disconnect to me that a parent was in on the joke like that but doesn't tease the other kids.

 

Same. I can see how it COULD be a funny thing, but this is not. 

[SKL]

I wonder how it came up.  Maybe someone outside the family asked about the color difference and the mom got irritated and responded sarcastically.  Seems like at least some of the "joke" would go over the child's head and would be directed at the adults present.

 

I guess I'd have to be there to really see how it was said and how the 8yo heard and responded to it.

 

Again, we don't know that this mom doesn't joke similarly with all the kids and we don't know that the 8yo isn't in on the joke.

 

If you think about it, asking a mom why her kid doesn't look like a full sibling is basically asking her if she slept around.  I could see getting a little ticked at that and responding with a smarta$$ answer rather than directly responding to the implied accusation.

[Liz CA]

How old?  What was the child's demeanor during this exchange?

 

When I was a kid, the going joke was that if your coloring was different from the family's, maybe the milkman was your dad.  At one point my kid sister (not understanding it at all) said she got her blond hair from the milkman.  It might not be funny to everyone, but it wasn't cruel either.  Of course eventually she was given a more appropriate answer to that question (my grandmother was blonde).

 

If the child was not upset, then I would consider the "joke" mainly for the benefit of the other adults around.  As for whether it's funny, I guess it would depend on the group's sense of humor.  We are all weird in different ways.

 

What you describe has a different feel to me than what OP described. And the parent going to pull down some wicker basket from the attic is going a little too far.

Even if the child seems to take it in stride I think it could leave one of those extremely unpleasant memories that one remembers into old age...this is very different than adults joking among themselves.

[creekland]

I hear far too many stories from kids at school about what their parents say to them to ever even think about making a joke to my kids implying they might not belong or be wanted.

 

Sure, the kids might laugh with mom & dad, or shrug it off, but for far too many, it hurts inside.

 

Teens don't tend to reason the way adults can.  Teens get hormonal surges (not meaning just teA) and then "other" things surface and bug them (we females can get that too, of course).

 

Humans in general have to "believe" an untrue story for a split second or two just to be able to refute it mentally.  (How our brain works.)

 

What's "harmless" and "joking" to us isn't always to them.  It can fester and pop up when the brain is stressed.

 

Our family jokes around a LOT.  Very little is off the table.  Our kids belonging to us is one of those rare things.  No regrets at all!

 

And the situation related in the OP makes me want to hug that kid and tell them they can confide in me if they want to.  (I never have to actually say that to a student - those who want to seems to sense it and volunteer what I hear.  Many of us teachers end up being people kids use to vent to.)

[SparklyUnicorn]

Over the top.  I like humor quite a lot...the crasser the better, but damn this crosses a line. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

It would be one thing if the joke were aimed at all the kids.  Like...we found you all in the woods...or whatever.  But to single a kid out and go on and on about this...no that's just too much.

 

 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Thank you again for the replies. I don't want to divulge further details (like what prompted the conversation) as it is a sensitive topic and I have already shared too much. I guess I was looking to see if other people had the same reaction to the situation as I did.

[trulycrabby]

It's horrid and cruel. :mad:

[fraidycat]

Yikes. We joke around all the time. But this situation = not funny at all and abusive.

[6packofun]

Statistic don't mean squat with individual reality.

 

I have blue eyes, once very blond and now dark brown hair. Olive tinted fair skin. My dad was blue eyed blond, my mom was green eye dark brunette.

 

Dh is brown eyes and red hair from brown eyed, brown haired parents.

 

I have a wide mix in my 11 children.

 

Brown eyes with very light blond hair

Brown eyes with dark blond

Hazel eyes with dark brunette

Blue eyed brunette

Blue eyed very light curly blond

Bright green and curl light blond

Green and brunette

Brown eyes and red hair

 

Skin is everything from red head pale to medium tanned.

 

And all of my kids over 13 are taller than both dh and I and all their grandparents.

 

When dh and I do something with just one or two kids, pending which kid it is, we have had people ask "where did they come from" or "where did they get *whatever physical trait* from". I think it's rather rude, but I pending the person asking and my mood, I either just say me/dh, or I quip that it must be Juan, The Poolboy.

 

It was insinuated I might have been the mailman's baby growing up bc I'm very different from my siblings in lots of ways and so much younger. It wasn't funny then either, but thanks to that, now I don't feel guilty about hoping I was the bartenders and not actually of the same stock as such mean people.

 

Yeah, dh and I are blond (both of us dirty blond/light brown now), he has blue eyes, I have green.

 

We have:

 

2 brunettes who have always been brunette, one with blue eyes, one with brown.

1 brunette who was blond until late teens and now brunette with blue eyes

1 blond with blue eyes

1 dirty/ash blond (that will most likely go brown later) with green eyes

1 redhead with blue eyes.

 

Dh and I are both short/average height and our kids range from dd17 who is 5 ft even to oldest ds who is almost 5'11".  There is such a neat mix of us AND our parents in our kiddos.  :)

 

Anyway...  I can't imagine joking in anything more than an offhand way about them being adopted, much less abandoned.  I respect adoption AND my kids too much for that.  And this is from a family that sometimes is way too into teasing as a form of humor which I'm trying to remedy.  LOL

[creekland]

I hear far too many stories from kids at school about what their parents say to them to ever even think about making a joke to my kids implying they might not belong or be wanted.

 

Sure, the kids might laugh with mom & dad, or shrug it off, but for far too many, it hurts inside.

 

Teens don't tend to reason the way adults can.  Teens get hormonal surges (not meaning just teA) and then "other" things surface and bug them (we females can get that too, of course).

 

Humans in general have to "believe" an untrue story for a split second or two just to be able to refute it mentally.  (How our brain works.)

 

What's "harmless" and "joking" to us isn't always to them.  It can fester and pop up when the brain is stressed.

 

Our family jokes around a LOT.  Very little is off the table.  Our kids belonging to us is one of those rare things.  No regrets at all!

 

And the situation related in the OP makes me want to hug that kid and tell them they can confide in me if they want to.  (I never have to actually say that to a student - those who want to seems to sense it and volunteer what I hear.  Many of us teachers end up being people kids use to vent to.)

 

Quoting myself just to add to it... don't forget to tell your kids you love them reasonably.  Kids might "shrug it off" and seem not to care, but you know what?  Down deep - they do care.  It has meaning - and can be quite helpful when our kids are going through stressed out times (not meaning telling them THEN, but that they remember it then - ingrained in them).  So many of the kids who talk with me tell me their parents don't care - their parents never tell them they're loved or appreciated (according to the kids).  I suspect many of the parents do love their kids, they just don't realize saying it is meaningful, or they don't say it enough.

 

Also... don't take my previous post to mean the stories we've heard about where kids came from (stork, cabbage patch, etc) is bad.  I haven't seen THAT hurt a kid, but when one implies a kid isn't really theirs (or wanted)... it plants a seed of doubt that can grow in ways never intended.

 

Off my soapbox, but while driving today I couldn't help but think of some of my IRL examples semi-similar to this thread.  Communication - literally what we say - can make such a difference - a huge difference.

[MistyMountain]

I do not find it funny at all but this type of thing happens in my husband's family culture. They joke around like this all the time and they use a lot of sarcasm or poking fun. It bothers me. If they did it though it would be a joke and they would not act serious or try to prove it true by showing a wicker basket and it would not just happen with one kid. That takes it even farther and makes it even worse.

Edited November 29, 2016 by MistyMountain

[Denisemomof4]

I tend to have a VERY obnoxious sense of humor and find what you speak of so cold hearted and outright mean.

[Pen]

I think it might depend on how the child looks as compared to the parent doing the teasing. If that parent has brown eyes, tanning skin etc. and the child looks like him or her, while the other parent is fair like the other children, then it could be sort of a way of bonding with the child who looks like the teasing parent. But it depends on the age and nature of the child and the relationships and general health and dynamic of the family.

 

 

Scratch all that.

 

I just saw the post with age of child and backstory.

 

 

Mean. Bad. Not funny.

Edited November 29, 2016 by Pen

[Jaybee]

I'm very uncomfortable with that kind of teasing, because it seems meant to make a child feel like they don't belong. I have an adopted child, and I want him to be pulled in. If he hears jokes from others about a sibling being adopted that are meant to isolate that sibling and make them feel separate, how might that make him feel? Like adoption definitely means you don't really belong? That's what I am trying to fight against happening, even without the help of family "jokes" (of anybody's family).