fairfarmhand Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 My son is pretty intense, much like my oldest. However, his intensity is different from my daughters. I do handle it better, I think, but still there are still days when I am at my wits end. One thing that I'm struggling with is the ability to get out of a downward spiral once he's in it. He can have a bad day and it usually ends up getting worse. He struggles with shaking off a negative experience. The last 2 weeks have been insane for many different reasons and there's nothing I can do to avoid periods like that. and I know his last two horrible, no good very bad days are a reaction to the craziness. So once we have a bad time, what are some good strategies for breaking the bad mood, negativity, grouchy, crying, ugly cycle? BTW, he is 8. Here's a for instance: He's a pesterer. I try to stay on top of that, but I can't always be right there. When his older sisters have had enough, they want to get away from him. He won't leave them alone and they just get angry. They'll try to get away from him, and he just won't stop. Then he goes over the top to annoy them with predictable response...more anger. Then he gets angry too. usually he'll act out, hitting or punching or screaming hateful things. It can turn into a huge melee. When I pull everyone apart, he's wailing and moaning that everyone hates him, he wants to die...etc. This stuff accelerates fast. I can be switching a load of laundry and come back into the house and it's crazy. So he stays in this bad mood and the same things will happen over and over again over a period of several days until our life calms down. If I try to keep him right with me, he sees it as punishment no matter how I frame it. Because he'd rather do his own thing than trail around around while mom is cleaning. Anything that is different, like putting him to bed earlier because he's tired or making him rest, he sees as punishment, It's not fair kind of stuff. Which amplifies the intensity. This isn't every day. This isn't even every week. It's usually when we've had a period of crazy. Maybe once a month or once every six weeks. He;s a good little boy and I enjoy him most of the time, but days like the last few make me want to tear out my hair! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Have you ever tried teaching him self-regulation skills like deep breathing, giving himself a time out to regain self-control, etc.? I had great success with those techniques with kids who were 4-5 years old, and I think it helped them build good emotional habits. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Deep breaths. Do you think he is too old for a glitter time out jar like this? http://www.pbs.org/parents/crafts-for-kids/time-out-timer/ There are tons of "recipes" out there for making these. Just make sure you use a plastic water bottle, because glass mason jars don't have safe results when flung in anger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Sometimes I have sent Tigger "back to bed." He pretends to sleep for a minute, then he gets up and we pretend it is a totally new day. This is sometimes enough to reset the day and avoid the otherwise downward spiral. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Mine is several years older than yours. But I find that if I can get him to laugh about something or get him talking about a subject that interests him, that is sometimes enough to "flip the switch" and change his mood. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Perhaps Cognitive Behavior Therapy? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 If it is one of those days or weeks when trouble is the air, then I just wouldn't leave anyone alone together. I would have your son decide what he is going to be doing and where he is going to be doing it (obviously, within reason) and then I would insist he stay there for a period of time (set a timer if necessary) or until a specific task is completed. I would especially make sure he is engaged and staying put if you are leaving the vicinity. Convince everyone else that in the interest of family harmony it would be best if they just stayed away from your son's chosen location. When my pesterer is in full force, everyone is perfectly happy to give him a wide berth as long as he is not allowed to follow them around tormenting them. If he still chooses to wander off and pester, then I would keep him with you even if he does view it as punishment...he had his chance to be where he wanted to be and he clearly showed you that even that was more freedom then he could currently handle. Wendy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TX Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 You may want to talk with your daughters and tell them to come to you and tell you when his pestering is getting to be too much. It seems to me that at eleven, and especially sixteen, they can learn ways of responding to him and getting you involved that will avoid them getting angry with him. That might help prevent the downward spiral. Susan in TX 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I made mine run up and down the driveway a set number of times at that age, when they began to wind up. They pretty quickly figured out that it made them feel better and fairly were cooperative about doing it, once I got them out the door. I think it worked because it fed the "flight" part of the typical fight, flight, or freeze reaction to stress. Nan 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arctic Bunny Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Deep breaths. Do you think he is too old for a glitter time out jar like this? http://www.pbs.org/parents/crafts-for-kids/time-out-timer/ There are tons of "recipes" out there for making these. Just make sure you use a plastic water bottle, because glass mason jars don't have safe results when flung in anger. I'm sorry, but this made me LOL. Unfortunately you may know this from experience, and I can imagine I might have had the same experience if I'd tried it a couple of years ago with my youngest! To the OP: My oldest had a big week of homework and projects this week. After one day of me trying to help him and my younger DS (9) trying to help both of us.... we went to the second hand store and found a paint by numbers set. He was able to be in the same space without having to be so very annoying. Perhaps your DS needs a project, too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Trampoline time? I really like the idea of going back to bed and starting over. It sounds cheesy, but 1) he's 8 and 2) tricking the brain is really what you need to do here and things like that can work. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twolittleboys Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I have one child who is pretty intense (getting better though). He is older (14) than yours and his intensity looks different from what you are describing so not sure if this will help you but for what it's worth: In our case things often go wrong if he didn't eat on time so getting him to something can help (even if it is a piece of chocolate and I have to trick him into eating it) Also, (this may not work for you as your son is a bit younger) I generally leave the house to go shopping if things get out of control. Normally, I am back within an hour, sometimes it may be longer. He is not afraid of being alone but it gives him time to cool off (and me too which may be just as important). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vida Winter Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I remember SWB saying something once about a shower, sandwich, and maybe a nap. Can't remember if this was for child or parent. Does anyone else remember her advice? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 My former SIL said her father kept a pile of gravel outside. A child who was determined to cause the rest of the family havoc had to move the pile of gravel from one side of the driveway to the other, lol. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 My daughter was VERY intense at age 8. I think it was my googling in desperation that led me to these boards. The good news - at 10, she's much, much better at self-regulating this. Partly, this is maturity and partly, we've really worked on it. I found age 8-9 to be the hardest and ours was related mostly to perfectionism and not enough high-level mental stimulation. Like you said, once the downward spiral starts, it feels impossible to break free from it. I'm generally a cheery person, but I'd get sucked into that icky vortex too. We learnt to predict and recognise when it was coming - I used a wave analogy. It's big, it's powerful, it may knock us over for awhile, but sometimes you can see them coming and get out of the way. Our best strategy was to immediately mix things up when the warning signs were there. I'd help her recognise the signs and articulate it. Then we'd do something very physical + silly. The absolute best one for us was grabbing a stack of balled up socks and pelting them at each other. It released energy, anger, frustration - all in a safe way - and it quickly turned silly and we always ended up laughing together. The best news is that we haven't had to do this for a long time now. Good luck. I know this isn't easy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SebastianCat Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Going outside and getting some fresh air seems to help both of my kids when they've been like this. Obviously, it's easier to just avoid the triggers, but teaching them to self-regulate in spite of the triggers is a life skill they'll need to learn. My DS would turn into a new kid after running. He started by running laps around the house, then as he got older, he'd run to the end of the street & back, then to the front of the neighborhood (1 mile), then to the back of the neighborhood (3 miles). Now he's 14 and just finished his first cross country season with our local high school. :) My DD doesn't respond the same way to running, but sometimes just getting outside by herself for 20 or 30 minutes makes a huge difference in her mood. Other times, I've sent her to her room to calm down and to read her Bible. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanalouwho Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 My boys are younger, but we have a standing rule that if we are having a bad day, anyone can call for a hug and a kiss and a reset. We cuddle for a few minutes, maybe read a picture book, and then start over. Sent from my HTCD200LVW using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zinnia Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Outside time is huge for us, too. I had one that I would send on about a 1/4 mile run to calm down. Eventually, though, he started seeing this as punishment, and it didn't work. I tricked him into training for an 8K. He wanted to do well, so he did the training, which worked well for us. But a family walk is better than nothing. At 7 and 8, we'd go to the Y and play in the pool (okay, does work, but isn't a fast turn around and can be iffy) or run on the track (works much better, fater, more reliably). Other things that sometimes work are a shower, time to read a book (easier to do now that he is 10 and a little bit...not less intense...but less loud about the intensity and more able to see it building in himself). Hard work helps, but this was always very, very hit or miss. Sometimes I could trick him into moving a mulch pile or cleaning out the car or something for extra $$, and it wasn't seen as punishment. But like I said, very hit or miss as to success. The shower is still a pretty reliable part of his life to calm down. And at some point, he figured out that it worked for him, and he'd do it without a lot of fighting back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I remember SWB saying something once about a shower, sandwich, and maybe a nap. Can't remember if this was for child or parent. Does anyone else remember her advice? This is what I was thinking, and for both. Even go take a nap with him, then get up and have a snack together. I have this problem myself. Not the intense anger, but the difficulty moving on after something happens. I really need to sleep, just for a few minutes, to reset my mood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2att Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Shower or bath did it for my intense kid. He could be having a real whopper of a day, spend an hour in the tub and come out a completely different kid. He took a lot of baths at that age :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauranc Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 When my intense child was much younger, a warm bath did wonders to calm things down. Water has always been very soothing to him.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 My boys are younger, but we have a standing rule that if we are having a bad day, anyone can call for a hug and a kiss and a reset. We cuddle for a few minutes, maybe read a picture book, and then start over. Sent from my HTCD200LVW using Tapatalk Yes, even with my older kid I'll often say "Come sit with me for a few minutes, and I'll rub your back." He enjoys back rubs enough that he will often come sit down grudgingly. I think the combination of his muscles relaxing, the attention, and knowing someone cares about him helps him slowly shift gears mentally. I usually tell him how much I love him and then try to shift conversation to something neutral. Sometimes I'll suggest a small snack. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I did a couple things to help my DS. One that really helped was having him think through how he was feeling. He didn't really pay attention to his moods at all, and had a hard time expressing how he was feeling. The biggest thing IMO was having him become more self aware and helping him to come up with solutions because I think that helps him in the to self regulate when I am not around to redirect him. I made him a mood chart at home and hung it on the wall. It was just a square piece of thin white cardboard. Around it I made "smiley faces like a clock face with color codes and then put an arrow attached with a brad to the center. He could then move the arrow to how he was feeling. I had things like angry (orange), very angry (red), frustrated (yellow), happy (green) sad (blue), confused (grey), content (purple),etc. Then if he started having problems or I knew he was feeling stressed I would ask him to show me how he was feeling. It helped him to have a better idea of what his mood was, and eventually he started using it himself. Another thing we did was to try to help him come up with coping skills. If he knew he was feeling angry, stressed, or whatever he used or was asked to use a coping skill. His were running around the yard, cuddling mom, or laying on his bed and now that he is a bit older he also uses deep breathing. This helps/helped him to reset. Sometimes he needs the alone time and sometimes he just needs calm down time with me. He is still a very intense child at the age of 11, and we did have to go through years of therapy with him to help us to find and use the coping skills. But DS also has OCD and anxiety so in our case therapy was really needed. I am not suggesting that you need it, but it might be something to consider if it continues to be a problem or gets worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 We both have intense 8 yr old boys, but mine has different struggles I think. When I was reading your post I sympathized about certain things being viewed as punishment when they aren't intended to be. Same thing here. Is there a way to keep him away from them without keeping him right by you? Like if they lock themselves in their bedroom, can you keep him away from the bedroom? Or will he just knock on their door, slide papers under the door, etc? Could you send the girls outside? And have him stay inside? Or vice versa? Outside could mean down the street, in the back yard or even somewhere like a coffee shop. I think at least one of your daughters drives? I don't know if this is practical, but maybe since it's only once in a while? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmseB Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I remember SWB saying something once about a shower, sandwich, and maybe a nap. Can't remember if this was for child or parent. Does anyone else remember her advice? This is totally no help at all, but I LOL'd because this is the advice I got from my childbirth class on how to tell if I was really in labor or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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