Oh man, what have I agreed to? (Update in #218)

[Murphy101]

Every family chooses what works for them, so I am not criticizing you, but this is something I would not do. Losing sleep does not work for me. If my child were dependent on me for transportation to and from a job, my child would have to get a job that didn't involve middle-of-the-night hours. As it happens, my non-driving daughter got a job that meant she was getting off work at 12:30 or 1 am sometimes, but it was three blocks from our house, so she walked home.

Then it's just grand that you have the luxery of choosing that. That work closer was to be found. That it was in an area that she could expect reasonable safety walking home so late. That if neither of those were an option, you could just decide to keep funding them indefinitely and not lose sleep.

 

I'm not being sarcastic. Really. That's great for you.

 

Not everyone does have that choice. Work is work and people work where and when they can get work. Losing sleep is part of daily life for many people, whether they like it or not, for many reasons.

 

Not everyone chooses what works for them. They are just doing what needs done as best they can and hoping it works out for the better eventually.

 

If I wanted to avoid sleepless nights, I probably should have avoided having children in general. LOL

[CAMom]

I just want to say that I feel for you! I haven't read the other responses yet...

 

This sounds somewhat like me the last several years while my oldest was in college and did not have a license. The last couple of years he took the commuter train to school since it was only a half mile from the train to campus once he got there. I still took him to the train and picked him up at crazy hours. And, I was only homeschooling my youngest; not trying to hold down a job.

 

It sounded, from your OP, like the girlfriend can drive? Can she help with his transportation if he helps with gas? Does the bus go near campus? My son didn't mind taking the bus places to save me the driving.

 

Just as an encouragement, my son is almost 24. He used to suffer severe anxiety when attempting to drive. One day last spring, he came home from classes and said he had gone to the DMV and gotten a permit. I let him drive from then on and he got a license about 8 weeks later. It's a good thing because he got a cool job a Google and had to move out of state just a couple of weeks after that and now has to drive himself all over the place. :)

[catz]

But the OP's son isn't doing work to support himself, or even to help out with the family budget. It's to save money for himself at a later date. Which is laudable, but at the expense of his mom ? Who has only just gotten her own post-homeschool life 'on track' with a job she enjoys and enough hours to actually help the family financially ? With a dad who is unwell ? 

 

Every family has to work out their own boundaries, I guess. 

 

I read it as the OP already is working to help this young adult pay for college at the expense of paying their own bills at times and driving him to school.  And driving him to another job.  I would be putting my foot down with the girlfriend extra driving and the fun late night job.   I got the feeling he was working to build a nest egg and possibly for spending money.  If I had to chose between young adult having a fun job or my health, well being, sanity, and previous commitments I would chose option #2 every time.

 

I drive my high schooler all over tarnation.  I agreed to let him do a highly committed professional theater production 30-45 minutes from home this fall.  My kids do committed activities constantly.  A neuro typical young adult should be able to do some leg work and problem solving if he really wants to spend time with girlfriend.  Heck, it's a pretty special occasion when I drive 30 minutes out of the way for a social event for my teen.  My teen is not the most socially adept kid out there but has arranged to find his own rides for things. 

 

But every family does have their own boundaries.  I thought this was an interesting topic for discussion.  And I didn't read the OP as JAWM.  I thought she really wanted to know if other families would do this for a young adult.  It's nothing personal if you would.  I can see making a different choice if I weren't working and could sleep in.

 

[Murphy101]

But the OP's son isn't doing work to support himself, or even to help out with the family budget. It's to save money for himself at a later date. Which is laudable, but at the expense of his mom ? Who has only just gotten her own post-homeschool life 'on track' with a job she enjoys and enough hours to actually help the family financially ? With a dad who is unwell ?

 

Every family has to work out their own boundaries, I guess.

But one would hope that eventually he will be supporting himself and helping the family. This is the goal of helping a young man/woman to grow up, yes? That the purpose of insisting they work and insisting they educate themselves towards improving their lot in life is that while it's hard now - eventually it will lead to better for all involved?

 

And I already said, I wouldn't do this and did not do this as a free ride either. Because you are right, it should not be *only* at the expense of mom. Family helping family shouldn't mean treating mom like crap and being selfishly oblivious to the sacrifices being made for him.

 

I would insist on half of each paycheck going into his savings and I would be discussing what that savings is intended to be used for and when, even if I had to see bank statements as proof. I would insist on his filling the gas tank at least once a week. I would not be his luxury on call taxi service for non essential stuff like meeting his girlfriend or whatever. I would not sacrifice my job for his and I would also be insisting he help out with his father and the home front to help me cope with the lack of sleep.

 

But if I had to *insist* in any of that, dh and I and my boys would be having a much more serious discussion anyways bc no family member should have to insist on such basic consideration and common sense things. But alas, sometimes young people have not quite developed those things yet and need it explained to them.

 

If this is *only* at the expense of mom, then it's not being handled right IMHO. Because I do agree with you that it should not be like that. He should be helping her and helping at home as much as he can.

[Haiku]

But alas, sometimes young people have not quite developed those things yet and need it explained to them.

 

Truer words were never spoken.

[Murphy101]

wait a second...

 

I think I'm confused or missing details.

 

He IS in college and he already has a f/t job and this late night gig is for fun extra money?

 

Oh hell no. LOL I wouldn't do that. Because it wouldn't meet my requirement of being a reasonable expectation of bettering his future and I'm not really interested in helping him have fun money. Fun money? What is this fun money? lol

 

Just going to college and having a full time job is going to make it hard to maintain decent grades. My boys work their arses off to manage it. I wouldn't support a second job, period. Because it would be more like a third job if he is taking college even a little bit serious and the sacrifice of grades and such would not equal the pay.

 

I'd taxi to/from college and one primary job, but not a third job and not leisure activities.

 

All my advice was based on college and one job!

 

I need more coffee if I missed such a major key element. Mea culpa!

[heartlikealion]

Ok, so you agreed to something and regret it. But your ds should have had the foresight to think, "wow, that's really going to inconvenience Mom." Or maybe once you tell him that, he will start to think it on his own.

 

Every family chooses what works for them, so I am not criticizing you, but this is something I would not do. Losing sleep does not work for me. If my child were dependent on me for transportation to and from a job, my child would have to get a job that didn't involve middle-of-the-night hours. As it happens, my non-driving daughter got a job that meant she was getting off work at 12:30 or 1 am sometimes, but it was three blocks from our house, so she walked home.

 

This bothers me more than the idea of picking someone up at 1am. But that's maybe just me. I worry about college kids around me that walk late at night where there's actually campus security.

[Haiku]

This bothers me more than the idea of picking someone up at 1am. But that's maybe just me. I worry about college kids around me that walk late at night where there's actually campus security.

I wouldn't think twice about walking three blocks at 1 am in our neighborhood. And it's not like we live in a fancy gated community.

[heartlikealion]

I wouldn't think twice about walking three blocks at 1 am in our neighborhood. And it's not like we live in a fancy gated community.

 

I'm glad you live in a safe neighborhood. I just can't help but think of the girl that got a ride after her job and then wasn't seen for years. http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20697973,00.html

 

[bettyandbob]

wait a second...

 

I think I'm confused or missing details.

 

He IS in college and he already has a f/t job and this late night gig is for fun extra money?

 

Oh hell no. LOL I wouldn't do that. Because it wouldn't meet my requirement of being a reasonable expectation of bettering his future and I'm not really interested in helping him have fun money. Fun money? What is this fun money? lol

 

!

Actually, I believe the late night theme park job has some relence to the ds's goals in theatre and tech theatre. I think his other job is also relevant in that it is at a dance studio. So the money is good AND they are resume and reference building experiences.

 

As a mom, I'd probably sacrifice myself if I saw my ds getting experience in his dream fields. I'd keep reminding myself 6 weeks.

[Murphy101]

Actually, I believe the late night theme park job has some relence to the ds's goals in theatre and tech theatre. I think his other job is also relevant in that it is at a dance studio. So the money is good AND they are resume and reference building experiences.

 

As a mom, I'd probably sacrifice myself if I saw my ds getting experience in his dream fields. I'd keep reminding myself 6 weeks.

I'd sacrifice for his education (college or trade) and ONE possibly career resume building job, but not two. All three is hard to navigate *successfully* for someone in their 20s. 6 weeks is a lot longer to me in my 40s than it was in my 20s or to my kids in their 20s. I've got 7-8 other kids to consider, so I need to pace myself. 😄 Edited September 7, 2016 by Murphy101

[Guest]

I'd sacrifice for his education (college or trade) and ONE possibly career resume building job, but not two. All three is hard to navigate *successfully* for someone in their 20s and I'm not in my 20s anymore. 6 weeks is a lot longer to me in my 40s than it was in my 20s or to my kids in their 20s. I've got 7-8 other kids to consider, so I need to pace myself. 😄

And that's just it - I'm only 30 and that would still kill me if I had to be up the next morning. My adrenals are already kaput and can't take it. Pregnant makes it worse, as you know. If Jenny wasn't working it would be one thing, but with her own health issues and the really short night time rest that isn't absolutely required for her son?

 

If the work experience is valuable use the wages to hire a driver for one leg of it. If the money is more important he should probably pick something that actually has compatible work hours and sacrifice the experience for the maximum cash savings. This can be made to work but something other than Mom's health has to give. I think that's entirely fair.

 

That's my .02 ;)

[Murphy101]

Yes. For some reason I was thinking this was his only job outside of college. That's a whole other ball of wax from an unnecessary and possibly damaging SECOND job. Even if her health and exhaustion wasn't a factor - *I* would say no to that bc odds are it would negatively affect his grades and primary job more than it helps anything else.

Edited September 7, 2016 by Murphy101

[FaithManor]

My daughter is a medic and has responded to waaaaaay too many horrific accidents caused by sleepy, inattentive drivers.

 

Please do not do this.

[bettyandbob]

I'd sacrifice for his education (college or trade) and ONE possibly career resume building job, but not two. All three is hard to navigate *successfully* for someone in their 20s. 6 weeks is a lot longer to me in my 40s than it was in my 20s or to my kids in their 20s. I've got 7-8 other kids to consider, so I need to pace myself. 😄

Yes deciding what you can handle is individual. I have less dc than you. The OP only has one at home now--her other dc is older.

 

I tried to base my first response based on parameters the op laid out in her first post, plus the history I recall of the way her family likes to do things which is going to be different than the way other people and other families handle issues.

 

I will add that I would stress to ds that the schedule CANNOT continue beyond the six weeks. If he is offered something permanent he must work out transportation logistics on his own.

[AngelaNYC]

I didn't read all the responses, but I would totally pick him up for the 6 weeks.

 

I work 40 hrs a week (9:45am to 6:45pm, Tuesday-Saturday).  I drive dh to the subway every weekday and drive oldest dd to work 2-3x a week (20 minutes away) before I get to work.  3 nights a week right after work I pick ds up from his Muay Thai class.  And during youngest dd's last college semester when she didn't dorm, I drove into Manhattan at 11pm 4 nights a week to drive her home.  We'd get home by midnight and I had to be up by 7.  (one night a week I splurged $20 for her to take an Uber home).  

 

I really don't mind and it's great chat time with the kids.  I think you should do it.  If for no other reason than peace of mind.

[Murphy101]

I didn't read all the responses, but I would totally pick him up for the 6 weeks.

 

I work 40 hrs a week (9:45am to 6:45pm, Tuesday-Saturday). I drive dh to the subway every weekday and drive oldest dd to work 2-3x a week (20 minutes away) before I get to work. 3 nights a week right after work I pick ds up from his Muay Thai class. And during youngest dd's last college semester when she didn't dorm, I drove into Manhattan at 11pm 4 nights a week to drive her home. We'd get home by midnight and I had to be up by 7. (one night a week I splurged $20 for her to take an Uber home).

 

I really don't mind and it's great chat time with the kids. I think you should do it. If for no other reason than peace of mind.

I must admit, I enjoyed stopping at IHOP once in a while after picking him up to chat, caffeinate, and just... have adult conversation.

 

I have no idea why it's so often like pulling teeth with teens and 20-somethings to hold a conversation during normal business hours but they can't stop talking between 10pm and 4am. But it does seem they are more open during those hours.💕

[LucyStoner]

Having experienced what passes for transit and pedestrian walkways in your area, I totally get that he has few practical options besides either being driven or learning to drive and obtaining a car. I also get why some older teens and college students can't drive.

 

The situation seems untenable at best and I guess my concern is that if he gets hired on permanently, this is the *first* six weeks and not just a temp gig situation.

 

It seems like that perhaps the family dynamic is still functioning like you don't have a 3/4 time job. Your husband and not son don't seem to be making any changes (at least from what you describe) due to that. And you don't either. Even with all his school and work, you don't need to be your son's de facto maid service. He can see to his own laundry and 1/3 or so of the housework. You just can't do it all, at least not all long term. He should cover some expenses as well, like chipping in for gas.

 

Given where you live, I would drive him in that situation but he'd need to be kicking in for gas and stepping up around the house.

[HeWillSoar]

I must admit, I enjoyed stopping at IHOP once in a while after picking him up to chat, caffeinate, and just... have adult conversation.

 

I have no idea why it's so often like pulling teeth with teens and 20-somethings to hold a conversation during normal business hours but they can't stop talking between 10pm and 4am. But it does seem they are more open during those hours.💕

I enjoy picking up my son from work because that is when he is most talkative.  I think on the way to work, he is not looking forward to going, perhaps a little stressed and so he just doesn't say much.  But after work, it's really nice because he opens up so much more.  He actually tells me things!

[Renthead Mommy]

So you said Uber is $20-25 one way.

 

Is he spending any money in this six week period on any non needs? Dinner with the gf? Movies? Anything?

 

If so I would tell him if I can drive you for six weejs, you can spend no money fir six weeks. Take that dinner/movie money and Uber home a few nights a week. I wiuld drive there, but he would heve to Uber home a few times. It is only six weeks. If he says anything like but I need to spend time with gf tell him Sonic had $1 ice creams. Do that, go fir a walk, play cards, watch a movie. But disposable income needs to go to Uber fir these six weeks.

Now if he is saving every red cent, my answer may be different. But by the halfway point I nay still say you are just going to have to do this, I am no longer capabke to keep up this pace.

 

Sorry, on my phone and the o/i has issues. It is late and you are grown ups who taught little kids to read. You kniw what I mean.

Edited September 7, 2016 by Renthead Mommy

[Melissa in Australia]

Unfortunately, riding his bike is of very limited use. His campus is 22 miles from the house and more or less requires highway travel. There are no buses that make the trip is anything like a reasonable amount of time. (It's something like three hours each way.)

 

Even getting from home to the girlfriend's house requires two hours on the bus.

when my ds was attending TAFE he had to catch a bus that traveled just under 100 km, took over an hour travel and arrived nearly 2 hours before his class started. it was what he had to do. to get home we would pick him up some days and other days he would car pool, occasionally he would have to wait 2 hours after class finished and take the bus home again. 

 

 

 you have to do what you have to do.......

[Murphy101]

when my ds was attending TAFE he had to catch a bus that traveled just under 100 km, took over an hour travel and arrived nearly 2 hours before his class started. it was what he had to do. to get home we would pick him up some days and other days he would car pool, occasionally he would have to wait 2 hours after class finished and take the bus home again.

 

 

you have to do what you have to do.......

Yep. More than once a kid of mine has had to be dropped off or start walking hours early or get home way later than otherwise to get where they needed to be on time bc I couldn't bi- or tri-locate myself for them and that was the only way it was going to happen.

[LucyStoner]

when my ds was attending TAFE he had to catch a bus that traveled just under 100 km, took over an hour travel and arrived nearly 2 hours before his class started. it was what he had to do. to get home we would pick him up some days and other days he would car pool, occasionally he would have to wait 2 hours after class finished and take the bus home again.

 

 

you have to do what you have to do.......

In order for that to work, there actually has to be a bus that somewhat reliably shows up. Trust me when I say that there is no such service where Jenny lives. It's is next to impossible for most residents to rely on public bus service where she lives.

 

My 13 year old will be taking two busses across town on his own for some classes he wants to attend this year. That is only possible because this county has a bus service that comes at expected intervals and more often than not will get him there with time to spare. Unless something drastic has changed, the busses I have tried to catch in Jenny's area seem to have time tables as mere suggestions.

[Jenny in Florida]

If he's not paying his college expenses, paying for insurance, or paying rent, does he have a goal for the money that he's earning at these jobs?

 

Yes, he is socking away money in savings towards his post-graduation nest egg. He hopes to follow in his big sister's footsteps and move to NYC. We are not in a financial position to assist much with that move, so we offered him a slight variation on the same deal we made with her.

 

In her case, she started college early, graduated early and then came back to live at home for about two years. During that time, we continued to pay all of her basic living expenses and provide transportation to and from her jobs and (when we could do so) other activities as long as she was working and saving the majority of her earnings. In two years, she put away enough to finance her move to NYC with enough left over to cover her expenses for at least six months while she found a job up there. As it turned out, she was working within just a few weeks and ended up using her savings to pay tuition for an acting studio program.

 

In my son's case, he is taking a somewhat less linear path through college and has decided that, instead of graduating and then spending another one or two years living at home and saving, he's going to try and work/save while going to school locally. 

 

My husband and I are supportive of this plan.

[Jenny in Florida]

Another thought..why did he move back home? I got the impression, and maybe I'm wrong, that he got overwhelmed at the university he was at? If so, is this crazy schedule setting him up to get overwhelmed again? It's not just can you do this schedule, but can he?

 

It wasn't overwhelmed as much as disenchanted. He was unhappy with the party atmosphere, felt he wasn't getting the training he wanted in his declared majors and was frustrated with limited course offerings in one of his primary areas of interest.

 

He's actually excited about his classes this semester, and his girlfriend (who is a major perfectionist when it comes to academics) is taking two classes with him. I'm hoping the combination of genuine interest and her nagging him will keep him on track.

[Okra]

Said gently........the vast majority of the hive seemingly agrees on the fact that there might be a problem here.

 

It's easy to get defensive.....it is.   You might want to re-examine some things.  It is not too often the vast majority agree on something.

 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

I'm still trying to figure out why he agreed to a job with those kinds of hours if he knew he didn't have a car.

 

It's a really good opportunity for him, for a variety of reasons. I supported and encouraged him in going for this one.

[Jenny in Florida]

As the main driver here, I would be in your shoes and be telling myself, it is only temporary. Great theater gigs are not the easiest to come by and I would do what I could to make it work. That said, I would do the campus/ job driving and he would be responsible for everything else. Gf/library/social. That is what Uber is for. 

 

It is what I do here. I will move heaven and earth to get kids to practices/meets/tournaments. I will not stir for friend outings. They are all old enough to bike, walk, bus, or find something else to do.

 

Everything costs in money or time. Make sure you are not bearing the whole cost.

 

Yes, we had a . . . discussion . . . a month or so ago when I put my foot down and set parameters:

 

Unless one end of a trip is home and the other end is school, work or rehearsal or BOTH ends of the trip are school, work or rehearsal, I am not available to drive him.

 

He has been really good about respecting those boundaries, even when I might have forgotten and agreed to drive. It's just that this new, weird schedule has us all scrambling a bit to figure out how to implement those guidelines, I think. And things are also complicated by the fact that I am effectively splitting some of the carpooling duties with his girlfriend's parents. The girlfriend also does not drive, and they live even farther from campus than we do. So, for example, the reason I drive both of them home on Wednesdays is because my son gets a ride to campus with her parents on Mondays and Wednesdays. 

[Jenny in Florida]

You can compromise between both goals--his savings, and your sanity and wellbeing. And since it's only for six weeks, spending a few hundred dollars on transport is not going to make a big difference long term.

 

Actually, I tend to look at this from the complete opposite perspective:

 

Since the long-term goal is for him to sock away as much savings and possible, and since this job is only guaranteed to last for six weeks, losing "a few hundred dollars" to transportation is a pretty big deal.

[Jenny in Florida]

It sounded, from your OP, like the girlfriend can drive? Can she help with his transportation if he helps with gas? Does the bus go near campus? My son didn't mind taking the bus places to save me the driving.

 

No, I realized in retrospect that my original wording was unclear: His girlfriend does not drive (really severe anxiety). When my son rides with her, it is actually her parents driving.

 

The bus goes right to campus; what it doesn't do is come near our house or go anything like directly from the closest stop near here to campus. At a mininum, the trip by bus is two hours, 45 minutes. And because of the frequency with which the bus that actually drops him on campus runs, he would need to leave the house by 4:30 a.m. in order to arrive in time for his morning classes.

[Murphy101]

No, I realized in retrospect that my original wording was unclear: His girlfriend does not drive (really severe anxiety). When my son rides with her, it is actually her parents driving.

 

The bus goes right to campus; what it doesn't do is come near our house or go anything like directly from the closest stop near here to campus. At a mininum, the trip by bus is two hours, 45 minutes. And because of the frequency with which the bus that actually drops him on campus runs, he would need to leave the house by 4:30 a.m. in order to arrive in time for his morning classes.

Okay. So since you apparently don't need sleep, why can't the much younger and healthier version of you leave at 4:30am to meet his own needs?

[Jenny in Florida]

I would insist on half of each paycheck going into his savings and I would be discussing what that savings is intended to be used for and when, even if I had to see bank statements as proof.

 

He's actually saving more like 80-85% of his earnings, which is earmarked for his plan to move to NYC after graduation. His paychecks from one job are direct deposited to his savings account, which he thus far has not touched except to withdraw a small amount for a frugal AirBnB-at-the-beach getaway at the end of the summer. The paychecks from the other job mostly go into savings, too, although he occasionally skims a little off the top for special expenses (one special date at a dinner theatre, supplies for costumes for a local SF convention).

[Jenny in Florida]

wait a second...

 

I think I'm confused or missing details.

 

He IS in college and he already has a f/t job and this late night gig is for fun extra money?

 

No, he's in college. He started a part-time job at the beginning of the summer. He has a temporary second job, which is also part-time, although he may creep close to full-time hours in three of the scheduled six weeks. He is hoping that the temp job, if it goes well, may open up an opportunity to stay on permanently (although in a different role, since this is a seasonal event), because it pays better than his other job and would also be more of a resume builder for him in the long run. However, since he doesn't yet know whether he'll be able to parlay the temp job into something else, he's hanging onto the first part-time job for now, working just one or two shifts a week to keep his hand in.

 

None of the money is earmarked as "extra fun money." The majority of his earnings from both gigs go directly into savings.

[Jenny in Florida]

when my ds was attending TAFE he had to catch a bus that traveled just under 100 km, took over an hour travel and arrived nearly 2 hours before his class started. it was what he had to do. to get home we would pick him up some days and other days he would car pool, occasionally he would have to wait 2 hours after class finished and take the bus home again. 

 

 

 you have to do what you have to do.......

 

 

Just to clarify:

 

Those two days a week when my son heads to his girlfriend's house and catches a ride to campus with her parents, he does so on the bus. It actually takes him slightly less time to go to her house and then ride to campus than it would to go direct, and because of the frequency with which the buses run, he can leave later and still get to class on time. Plus, they get to spend time on the drive there.

 

There will be at least one day each when when he buses from campus to the library where I work and waits around until I finish so I can drive us home.

 

He also regularly gets dropped one or two hours early or waits an hour or two for pick-up from his jobs when he needs to work around my work schedule.

[eternalsummer]

I just think some of the problem is that you're viewing the theme park job from two perspectives: you say he is doing it for career prospects/resume experience/personal development, so the fact that it doesn't really make financial sense (because he can't afford to pay for transportation to and from the job and must rely on someone else to do it for him) is okay because it's educational or inspirational, etc.

 

But then you say that he can't afford to take a cab home on the late nights (which really seems like the outlier in terms of driving problems) because he needs the money.

 

If the job is a little bit of both, then he can treat it like a little bit of both and pay *some* for driving costs.  Say he pays you half of what a cab would cost - that's a great deal!  Even if he pays you a quarter, then you can take a whole day off every week, or maybe every other evening drive, by using the money he pays you to hire him a cab.

[Jenny in Florida]

Okay. So since you apparently don't need sleep, why can't the much younger and healthier version of you leave at 4:30am to meet his own needs?

 

He certainly "could." I choose not to make him do so as long as I am able to provide an alternative.

 

And I think that's the thing: I don't resent this situation. I'm not looking for a way out of it. I've done similarly insane things for both kids over the years. (I was reminding my husband the other day of the two months I spent driving our daughter to rehearsals for an unpaid theatre gig 60 miles/1 hour+ each way four nights a week, followed by the three weeks of performances for a show that began at midnight.) It's temporary. Each individual item on the calendar makes sense for some reason. I just kind of freaked out last night when I sat down and really looked at the schedule all in one place for the first time.

[Murphy101]

I'm just not seeing a balance between his bank account and the family needs as a whole and that would bother us big time whether it was dh or one of the kids or me.

 

What is he sacrificing for his bigger bank acct? Nothing that I can tell.

 

Where as you are sacrificing family income, your health and more just so he doesn't have to spend anything at all.

 

And you work and have an ill husband who is not helping at home or with driving this son around.

 

I see no valid reasons why he can't both contribute financially to helping make this easier for the family and take on additional responsibility to make it happen for himself.

 

For example, why doesn't he always go to the bus stops near his gf house then, why only those two days? Why can't he leave at 4:30am?

 

It's not like he won't still have savings or is being asked to spend anywhere near what he would if he were living on his own.

[Jenny in Florida]

I just think some of the problem is that you're viewing the theme park job from two perspectives: you say he is doing it for career prospects/resume experience/personal development, so the fact that it doesn't really make financial sense (because he can't afford to pay for transportation to and from the job and must rely on someone else to do it for him) is okay because it's educational or inspirational, etc.

 

But then you say that he can't afford to take a cab home on the late nights (which really seems like the outlier in terms of driving problems) because he needs the money.

 

Not exactly: It's not that he can't afford to pay for a cab. Just like he "could" get up at 4:00 a.m. and take the bus to campus, he "could" pay for an Uber to come home a couple of nights a week.

 

However, since we really want to encourage him to save as much as he can, and since the bottom line for the family as a whole unit is that it costs us less for me to pick him up than for him (or us) to pay someone else to do it, I'm willing to do this for him.

 

I might not be willing to do it if this were just "some job." If he could just as well earn the same amount working during the day at the Big Lots around the corner, I would not agree to drive him to/from work at all, let alone to do so in the middle of the night. However, this particular job happens to provide a higher hourly rate than he's had so far and also the potential for experiences and connections that may help him in a meaningful career way. 

 

It's the specific combination of circumstances that landed us in this admittedly unpleasant and exhausting -- but temporary -- situation. I'm not feeling victimized or martyred. I just had a momentary freak-out.

[Jenny in Florida]

I'm just not seeing a balance between his bank account and the family needs as a whole and that would bother us big time whether it was dh or one of the kids or me.

 

What is he sacrificing for his bigger bank acct? Nothing that I can tell.

 

Where as you are sacrificing family income, your health and more just so he doesn't have to spend anything at all.

 

And you work and have an ill husband who is not helping at home or with driving this son around.

 

I see no valid reasons why he can't both contribute financially to helping make this easier for the family and take on additional responsibility to make it happen for himself.

 

For example, why doesn't he always go to the bus stops near his gf house then, why only those two days? Why can't he leave at 4:30am?

 

It's not like he won't still have savings or is being asked to spend anywhere near what he would if he were living on his own.

 

Again, we all agreed to the broad brush strokes of this when he made the decision to go to school locally for the next couple of years. The original plan had been for him to finish his degree at the private university (where he had a very nice scholarship package, but we were still paying about $10,000/year out of pocket), then move home and work for one or two years while we covered his living expenses -- including transportation -- so he could save. That's what we provided for our daughter, and we had no problem offering the same opportunity for him.

 

When -- after much family discussion -- he decided to come home and go to school locally (saving us a big portion of that $10,000 a year we were paying to the private university), we realized that, with access to resources at home (mostly me), he could do the school thing and the work thing concurrently instead of sequentially. 

 

I'm not sacrificing anything I hadn't already offered. We're just doing things in a somewhat different order or configuration.

 

As to the specific questions:

 

For example, why doesn't he always go to the bus stops near his gf house then, why only those two days?

 

His girlfriend lives closer to one of the college's satellite campuses and takes most of her classes there. However, the theatre-specific classes both of them are taking are available only on one campus, which is not the satellite campus closer to her. The only two classes she takes on the theatre-focused campus are the two they take together, on Mondays and Wednesdays, the days on which my son already takes a bus to her house and rides to campus with her and her parents. Because he has already completed all of his general education classes, all of his classes are available only on the theatre-focused campus. Since the girlfriend's house is actually farther away from campus than ours is, it wouldn't make sense for him to bus there on the other days, only to get on another series of buses to get back to campus.

 

Why can't he leave at 4:30am?

 

As I said earlier, he "could." I choose not to make him do so unless there isn't another option. My goal here is to support him in both his current educational efforts and his long-term plan for financial independence. 

 

Also, I want to clarify that it is not true that my husband "doesn't help at home." Basically, since I've gone back to work, he's picked up a lot of tasks I used to handle. These days, I make dinner no more than a couple of days a week; the other nights, my husband fends for himself. When I do cook, he does dishes. He pitches in with driving when there is no better alternative. I just work hard to avoid asking him to do it, because I know it is painful and difficult for him.

Edited September 7, 2016 by Jenny in Florida

[kitten18]

I don't have any great ideas to make this easier.

 

I could and would do it for my child for 6 weeks.

 

I think that this is closer to an internship than a "job". I wouldn't do it if my kid took a job stocking shelves 40 miles away, but this is completely different.

[Guest]

Not exactly: It's not that he can't afford to pay for a cab. Just like he "could" get up at 4:00 a.m. and take the bus to campus, he "could" pay for an Uber to come home a couple of nights a week.

 

However, since we really want to encourage him to save as much as he can, and since the bottom line for the family as a whole unit is that it costs us less for me to pick him up than for him (or us) to pay someone else to do it, I'm willing to do this for him.

 

I might not be willing to do it if this were just "some job." If he could just as well earn the same amount working during the day at the Big Lots around the corner, I would not agree to drive him to/from work at all, let alone to do so in the middle of the night. However, this particular job happens to provide a higher hourly rate than he's had so far and also the potential for experiences and connections that may help him in a meaningful career way.

 

It's the specific combination of circumstances that landed us in this admittedly unpleasant and exhausting -- but temporary -- situation. I'm not feeling victimized or martyred. I just had a momentary freak-out.

Since you're committed to it I hope everything proceeds smoothly. Be safe on the road that late :)

[Rachel]

Jenny, I couldn't do it, but I'm glad it works for you. It will be a busy 6 weeks (does it end at Halloween?), but I suspect someday you will laugh at the crazy schedule.

[heartlikealion]

Actually, I believe the late night theme park job has some relence to the ds's goals in theatre and tech theatre. I think his other job is also relevant in that it is at a dance studio. So the money is good AND they are resume and reference building experiences.

 

As a mom, I'd probably sacrifice myself if I saw my ds getting experience in his dream fields. I'd keep reminding myself 6 weeks.

 

I'm kind of confused. Do we know this job is even impressive on a resumé for his desired career? I don't expect the OP to elaborate about what he does, but I'm not certain that a theme park job is necessarily relevant to theatre (it could be, just depends on the park and job).

 

I'm with the poster that said I don't have to be 40 for that schedule to mess me up. My dad suspects my adrenals are shot, but I don't know.

[heartlikealion]

Not exactly: It's not that he can't afford to pay for a cab. Just like he "could" get up at 4:00 a.m. and take the bus to campus, he "could" pay for an Uber to come home a couple of nights a week.

 

However, since we really want to encourage him to save as much as he can, and since the bottom line for the family as a whole unit is that it costs us less for me to pick him up than for him (or us) to pay someone else to do it, I'm willing to do this for him.

 

I might not be willing to do it if this were just "some job." If he could just as well earn the same amount working during the day at the Big Lots around the corner, I would not agree to drive him to/from work at all, let alone to do so in the middle of the night. However, this particular job happens to provide a higher hourly rate than he's had so far and also the potential for experiences and connections that may help him in a meaningful career way. 

 

It's the specific combination of circumstances that landed us in this admittedly unpleasant and exhausting -- but temporary -- situation. I'm not feeling victimized or martyred. I just had a momentary freak-out.

 

I just saw this. I hope it is helpful. Just have him quit after he adds everyone to his LinkedIn account so you can avoid the driving. Joking :)

 

[GoodGrief]

This too shall pass :-) Sounds like valuable opportunities for him, and he is blessed to have a mother willing to help out. If I remember right, he is quite young for a college student anyway.

[LucyStoner]

I get your reasoning Jenny. You sound like a great mom, one who has really done all you can to help both of your children succeed.

 

I still say he buys your coffee ;). Or the Jenny equivalent.

[bettyandbob]

I'm kind of confused. Do we know this job is even impressive on a resumé for his desired career? I don't expect the OP to elaborate about what he does, but I'm not certain that a theme park job is necessarily relevant to theatre (it could be, just depends on the park and job).

 

I'm with the poster that said I don't have to be 40 for that schedule to mess me up. My dad suspects my adrenals are shot, but I don't know.

I don't know what his job is. I do know that certain jobs at theme parks are a big deal to tech theatre students.

 

ETA understand that there are many different jobs beyond selling food and keeping people in line. There's a lot that goes into the customers feeling like they are part of a movie set. This theme park is not a haphazard set of rides.

Edited September 7, 2016 by Diana P.

[LucyStoner]

I'm kind of confused. Do we know this job is even impressive on a resumé for his desired career? I don't expect the OP to elaborate about what he does, but I'm not certain that a theme park job is necessarily relevant to theatre (it could be, just depends on the park and job).

 

I'm with the poster that said I don't have to be 40 for that schedule to mess me up. My dad suspects my adrenals are shot, but I don't know.

Jenny has said that it's work which helps build his résumé and build industry connections. Based on his major and their location I reckon it's a performance based job for nationally branded park. These jobs are a big deal. I doubt she's driving him so he can sell cracker jacks. Edited September 8, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Joules]

I don't quite understand all of the logistics, but would it help at all if your ds crashed at his girlfriend's house a couple of nights a week and not come home at all?  You may have to pick them up late and drop them off there, but then her parents could just handle the morning drive without you being involved?

 

I would do anything for ds, but, honestly, with that schedule I would be sick within two weeks and incapable of doing anything by four.  No matter my desire, I couldn't pull it off the full six weeks.  You may be made of heartier stuff than me.

 

ETA: I'm not suggesting they sleep together, just crash on a couch or floor or whatever.  He'll be so exhausted he'd probably be able sleep anywhere.

Edited September 7, 2016 by Joules

[JFSinIL]

Well good luck for the next six weeks.  I think you came here just to unload, not to be bombarded with advice from the Hive, and now you are having to explain more just to hush us up ;-) 

Sounds like you are making the best of an annoying situation for the next six weeks.  DS owes Mom a good Christmas present! 

 

Reminds me when oldest dd got her first job at Sears at age 15...and hubby had to pick her up evenings when she closed...and no one was allowed to leave the store until everything was done and her 10pm end time became 10:30...11:00...hubby would get so tired sitting in the dark parking lot waiting for her.  (I dropped her off - bad night vision got me out of picking her up!)  The things we do for our kids - they better appreciate us!

Edited September 7, 2016 by JFSinIL