Alzheimers "What to do" question again.

[creekland]

Sounds like you have discovered the core truth of dementia care . . . Keep trying different things . . . and keep doing the things that work! 

 

It's really a lot like parenting! 

 

Hang in there. Your in-laws are so fortunate to have you in the family. 

 

Well... I'm also hoping hubby might get a chance to convince FIL that more of these times alone (or with friends) would be good for him, and he could safely have it if he found someone to sit with MIL.

 

SIL and I can only be here at certain times.

 

If nothing else, at least FIL is getting some decent father/son time now since they know they only have to come back if I call - and I don't need to call with her being "content."

[Reefgazer]

My mom wouldn't make calls or take proactive steps, either; she was paralyzed with indecision and unaccustomed to not having dad make the decisions. You might have better luck if you ask FIL if he would like you to make those difficult calls, telling him he will have final veto power over anything that he finds unsuitable. Once things were rolling and my brother and I pushed mom into those first difficult decisions and made the calls ourselves, mom went right along with whatever after that.

 

Unfortunately, as I predicted, BIL doesn't see the need for them/us to do any more. FIL needs to make the decision if he wants help or not and he has the numbers to call if he does.

 

Personally, I think FIL does want help. I think it's just too difficult for him to find someone. I could be wrong. I might be projecting my own thoughts onto him. I guess we'll see if he calls any of the numbers - or not.

 

Hubby did get to talk with him (just the two of them) pretty extensively about Alzheimers and what to expect (all from that Alz link). FIL can see it and could link more things in the "severe" stage to MIL than hubby could, so the "knowledge" is there. Time will tell about anything else. FIL has a cardiac appt (for himself) Wed. I asked what MIL was going to do during that time and hubby doesn't know (sigh). We can't stay. Hubby actually does work for a living and we have to go home tomorrow morning. BIL and SIL also work.

 

It's all pretty frustrating to me TBH. I'm also batting 0% lately with two other major situations (not at all related to this) over the past three months - all three are situations where something is wrong, there is a better way/option, plenty of others can see the reasoning and agree with it, but the powers making the decision don't really give a hoot and won't budge. I'm wondering if the days of making common sense/reasoned decision-making are over or if I'm really the one out in left field with my thoughts!

 

But such is life. When one isn't the decision maker, they aren't and that's the Real World vs the Ideal World. Tomorrow I'll go back to playing with my ponies and enjoying life with my cat. They still agree with me... ;) In another month we'll be back to give FIL a respite. I'll be bringing a dementia clock and 40's Top Hits (or something like that). Time will tell what happens in between.

 

I appreciate everyone's help with this situation as the degree of having shifted into "severe" was new to me and at least now I feel "armed" for my job when I'm here. I'll still admit to being frustrated and wishing I could fix the situation though (sigh).

[creekland]

My mom wouldn't make calls or take proactive steps, either; she was paralyzed with indecision and unaccustomed to not having dad make the decisions. You might have better luck if you ask FIL if he would like you to make those difficult calls, telling him he will have final veto power over anything that he finds unsuitable. Once things were rolling and my brother and I pushed mom into those first difficult decisions and made the calls ourselves, mom went right along with whatever after that.

 

 

I have mentioned this idea to hubby.  I don't know if he's seriously thinking about it or not, but he did spend a lot of time online looking up details himself, so I know he's at least taking my thoughts seriously.

[StephanieZ]

Another thing to consider ASAP is some sort of tracking device on your MIL since she wanders. 

 

Here in my town, in a friend's neighborhood, someone's dad (with dementia) was out for his daily walk in their neighborhood a couple years ago, and he didn't come back. I guess he got completely lost. Neighbors/FB friends/etc/police were out in force searching for him for days. They finally found him, but he had already died from exposure. It was mid-fall. He was only a mile or so from home, and had essentially stumbled into some brush off the road/path and not gotten up/out. That haunted me when my own mom was diagnosed. 

 

Apparently, many communities have programs through local law enforcement. They put an ankle GPS on the person. It is not "activated" until/unless they are lost, and then the police can find them quickly. I searched and searched for a less intrusive option, but couldn't find one. We never used this, but I have an acquaintance who uses it on their adult son (with mental impairment, I think autism). He was similarly lost in a (local) national forest several years ago, and it took over 24 hours to find him. It was really traumatic for all. He was OK. But, they then got him the tracker, and so far as I know (whenever I've seen them out around town), he wears it 24/7. 

 

That might be something to push for before the weather turns, especially if you are in a part of the country where night time temps go below 60. When that man died from exposure here, it was just mid-October here in WV, so probably night time temps not below 50 or so. It wasn't during a freak snow storm or anything like that.  

[creekland]

She would never put up with a GPS unit on her.  She doesn't even like socks that fall down.  Fortunately she can't physically go far, but yes, I worry.  She's given us reasons to worry, esp since her balance is bad and she has fallen.  I think those events are what have inspired FIL to even be open to finding a caretaker and keeping doors secure when he's inside.  He also now checks on her at night before he goes to bed.

[Innisfree]

You may already be aware of this, but frequently normal circadian rhythm vanishes at some point in the course of dementia. So another thing to point out to FIL would be that just because she's down for the night doesn't mean that she's staying down. I think one of the very hardest things for us was the fact that Mom slept only in catnaps. Other people can't cope without several hours of solid sleep.

 

Think of having a newborn, who can walk and turn on the stove. And who has terrifying delusions which cause them to want to escape.

[Innisfree]

Sorry; that's pretty grim. This thread is reminding me of some very difficult times.

 

Honestly, though, maybe that knowledge can be of some service to your family. Your FIL will need help. I know this is not really under your control, but I hope you can persuade BIL and FIL.

[creekland]

You may already be aware of this, but frequently normal circadian rhythm vanishes at some point in the course of dementia. So another thing to point out to FIL would be that just because she's down for the night doesn't mean that she's staying down. I think one of the very hardest things for us was the fact that Mom slept only in catnaps. Other people can't cope without several hours of solid sleep.

 

Think of having a newborn, who can walk and turn on the stove. And who has terrifying delusions which cause them to want to escape.

 

She has already reached this stage.  It's how she's wandered off at times because she doesn't think to check FIL's bedroom for him.  It's why the doors need to be locked in a way she can't open them.

 

She's now attached to me... very attached.  I can't go to the bathroom without her getting upset because she doesn't know where I am.   :glare:  This is the way she was with FIL when we arrived.

 

I'm hopeful she forgets that overnight because we're leaving tomorrow after breakfast.

 

She ought to attach to someone who can be here regularly, but they'd better be ok listening to stories over and over again.  It really does get old, esp when one knows they aren't true.

[StephanieZ]

Instead of locking her in, you can get bed alarms and door alarms that will simply wake FIL and/or alert him if he's not in the same room. Bed alarms include bed-side floor mats that will activate the alarms. Door alarms can be set with a numeric code, so easy to use for FIL, but presumably MIL won't know the code and/or won't be able to figure out how to work it. 

 

Alarms make it easier to keep track of the person with dementia, without the risks (or legalities) of locking her in. 

 

Google for bed alarms, door alarms, dementia home products, etc, and you will find many options. 

[Denisemomof4]

 

I have to say be very careful of certain medications. The Seroquel has a black box warning against using it for elderly dementia patients, and it sent my father into convulsions and his quality-of-life was never quite the same after the convulsions (although it's hard to tell if it was the convulsions or the natural progression of the disease which decreased his quality-of-life so quickly after the Seroquel). The, Ativan, however, did seem to calm him when it was necessary. Family needs to be aware that a lot of these medications knock the patient out and make them sleep, and that's the reason that they are much calmer. But when they are sleeping, they can't really participate in family life anymore once on these. We actually rejected all psychiatric and narcotic meds for my dad after the Seroquel disaster because the hospital seemed more likely to use it for their convenience than for dad's benefit. We got a lot of pushback from the hospital for rejecting the meds, but dad wasn't uncomfortable or agitated, those meds were just SOP for elderly dementia patients where dad was. They pushed so hard for these meds that we hired him around the clock aides so that he couldn't be over medicated when we were not present.

 

 

 

quote name="Denisemomof4" post="7184840" timestamp="1473007926"]

Oh..... I remember she was on ativan and seroquel among others. She had Lewy Body Dementia. Horrible, horrible disease.

 

This may be true. My mom died 8 years ago and I am sure there have veen some advances since then. Like i said, however, dementia meds mad the parkinsonian symptoms worse and the parkinsons meds made the dementia worse. It sucked, to put it mildly.

[Denisemomof4]

Her fixation right now is her clothes. She's upset at all the lint balls on them and is picking them off and eating them. None of us have been able to stop her. We got her to take her favorite shirt off in favor of another where they don't show up, but that has caused her to move on to her pants. NO distractions work. She's upset that we won't help her pull the hundreds of these off. Her other pants have them too since she has nothing newer here.

 

Any suggestions for that?

 

Oh, and with locking her in the house, it isn't alone. It's when FIL (or someone else) is also in the house and has the key. It would stop her from looking for him outside when he's merely in another room in the house.

 

But right now, her eating the lint... ugh! (sigh) She won't even throw them in the trash can right next to her instead.

 

And of course, it's something new. She's worn these same clothes before for days/weeks/years and it hasn't bugged her. I've now been abandoned by everyone else (BIL and SIL are also here now). If I leave, she'll just follow me - and keep with it. We're back out on the porch because I hoped seeing the great outdoors would provide a distraction. It hasn't. Nor has any other attempt at conversation, etc. (sigh)

 

How do regular caretakers handle these fixations?

Buy her new clothes that don't ball?

 

My mother loved to keep busy folding towels. We would give her a huge basket of them, let her fold, we would unfold then she would repeat. Before this she picked at all the lint.

[Denisemomof4]

You might try music. Sing or play a popular song from when she was in her teens or twenties, or if she is a Christian, try an old hymn. That part of the brain often stays keyed in for a long time. A lot of times they will join in.

This! We amwatched Mama Mia and I caught my mom singing the songs many times. We bought the sound track and played it all the time! She LOVED it. We "dancex" with her in her wheelcjair.

 

Also, my mom was NEVER a cat person but my cat just fell in love with my mom and sat in her lap all the time. My mother was crazy about her.

[Denisemomof4]

[quote name="creekland"

 

TV with any sort of plot doesn't work. The only exception I've found is she liked Benji, but only because a cute little dog (or two) shows up. He's new every time, of course. Not every movie, every scene. Unfortunately, FIL has no desire to learn how to use the DVD player. I used to be able to get by with the older shows - Andy Griffith, Gilligan's Island, etc - but now it bothers her that she doesn't remember the people in it - every scene bothers her because she forgot when I just told her a name. Now that she's forgetting family regularly (many times today), I doubt she'll ever remember

 

We bought all the I Love Lucy's in a boxed set and played them daily. Mom LOVED them

[Denisemomof4]

Unfortunately, as I predicted, BIL doesn't see the need for them/us to do any more. FIL needs to make the decision if he wants help or not and he has the numbers to call if he does.

 

Personally, I think FIL does want help. I think it's just too difficult for him to find someone. I could be wrong. I might be projecting my own thoughts onto him. I guess we'll see if he calls any of the numbers - or not.

 

Hubby did get to talk with him (just the two of them) pretty extensively about Alzheimers and what to expect (all from that Alz link). FIL can see it and could link more things in the "severe" stage to MIL than hubby could, so the "knowledge" is there. Time will tell about anything else. FIL has a cardiac appt (for himself) Wed. I asked what MIL was going to do during that time and hubby doesn't know (sigh). We can't stay. Hubby actually does work for a living and we have to go home tomorrow morning. BIL and SIL also work.

 

It's all pretty frustrating to me TBH. I'm also batting 0% lately with two other major situations (not at all related to this) over the past three months - all three are situations where something is wrong, there is a better way/option, plenty of others can see the reasoning and agree with it, but the powers making the decision don't really give a hoot and won't budge. I'm wondering if the days of making common sense/reasoned decision-making are over or if I'm really the one out in left field with my thoughts!

 

But such is life. When one isn't the decision maker, they aren't and that's the Real World vs the Ideal World. Tomorrow I'll go back to playing with my ponies and enjoying life with my cat. They still agree with me... ;) In another month we'll be back to give FIL a respite. I'll be bringing a dementia clock and 40's Top Hits (or something like that). Time will tell what happens in between.

 

I appreciate everyone's help with this situation as the degree of having shifted into "severe" was new to me and at least now I feel "armed" for my job when I'm here. I'll still admit to being frustrated and wishing I could fix the situation though (sigh).

Your FIL doesn't want to be a burden and your BIL doesn't want to be burdened. If FIL's health is delicate due to his heart, it may be time to make phone calls to the doctors. Something really bad can happen. We had to step in with MIL. It is a miracle she survived as long as she did. We were shocked at what we found when clearing out her house, includong insurance paperwork from two car accidents we never knew about.

[Denisemomof4]

For anyone who is still reading and potentially gleaning useful info, I've chanced upon something that works.

 

When FIL is not around and she gets asking where he is, I've been able to keep her here with me by telling her he's out doing something I know she doesn't want to do. Hubby and FIL have been out enjoying time together fishing, but each time MIL asks, I tell her they're out cleaning up branches after the storm. Then I ask if she wants to go "help." She declines. ;) It's worked multiple times per hour now.

Genius!

[mschickie]

Buy her new clothes that don't ball?

 

My mother loved to keep busy folding towels. We would give her a huge basket of them, let her fold, we would unfold then she would repeat. Before this she picked at all the lint.

There are a group of ladies on my Aunt's floor that do this.  They just love folding the towels.

[zoobie]

Buy her new clothes that don't ball?

 

My mother loved to keep busy folding towels. We would give her a huge basket of them, let her fold, we would unfold then she would repeat. Before this she picked at all the lint.

 

My grandmother used to fold washcloths and napkins because towels were too bulky. She liked to fold on a tv tray while watching musicals. 

[creekland]

New Question (but figured I'd might as well tag it onto this thread since the lead up gives more specific MIL details)

 

FIL has to have a cardiac procedure (stents if I'm understanding correctly) this Tuesday.  I believe the main "danger" is that he's 88 and is really in need.  He'll be in the hospital at least 6-8 hours and possibly overnight.  Obviously, hubby and I are going down.  He's going with FIL - no question there.

 

My questions (ok two questions).  Do we(I) take MIL to the hospital to wait there?  Hubby will be there working remotely on his computer.  We could stay at her house instead.

 

And if we stay home, do I tell her the truth about it each time she asks where he is?  Or only the first time and toward the end - trying to keep her less worried in the middle?  Or not at all?

 

I can think of pros and cons of various answers to the above questions.  Is there a better way than others?

 

I'm leaning toward staying home with her and hoping she still likes Benji and 40's music, but I still don't know how much truth to answer with.  I'm afraid I could get her really scared, but OTOH, if something DID happen (bad), it doesn't seem right not to tell her ahead of time or be there.

[creekland]

ps  Remember her memory is gone.  We went to take a boat ride last weekend (common happening), but there were electrical problems and we couldn't go out.  As soon as we returned to the house from their boat dock FIL asked her if she went on a boat ride.  She said yes.  He asked her where we went and she pointed upriver...  We never even got ON the boat.  She just couldn't remember.  This type of stuff happens for all events - meals, visitors, etc.

[Harriet Vane]

My mil has Alzheimer's, as did my grandma and my great-grandma. I also have many years of experience with an aunt (more like my sister) who had dementia from a brain tumor.

 

Stay at home with MIL. She's much, much easier to manage in her warm, safe, cozy, home environment.

 

When she asks about FIL, consider simply saying he has a doctor's appointment. It's completely true and it saves a lot of endless explaining. 

 

There is no benefit to telling her ahead of time to prepare her in case something happens. She cannot retain that information, so it's not actually a preparation for anything. Rather, it would simply be traumatic. 

 

:grouphug:

[zoobie]

I'd stay home with her and tell her they went fishing or something she wouldn't want to do. The more anxious she gets, the more difficult she will be to manage.

 

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible. :grouphug:

[RootAnn]

I'd stay home with her & not tell her where he really is. I'd really try to get POAs signed one of these visits you are there. It is too late to get one for her since she is no longer of sound mind, but I'd get a POA financial & health for DH's dad to help manage things if anything happens to him.

We went through some of this with my dad, but were able to find people to come in to help (nurse / home health care / some sort of visiting nurses thing). We quickly figured out what type of person he meshed with best.

 

Dad had a medic alert bracelet so that if (when) he wandered, people could contact my mom/sister to come get him. Mom wore one (that looked like a pretty bracelet) in case something happened to her so people knew to check on him & let his caregiver know. She used to leave him at home alone & he would wander. Took a long time & a couple of scares before she would agree to have someone sit with him while she went out.

 

So sorry you guys are dealing with this. We were able to keep my dad at home until he died, but he didn't linger like many Alzh. patients do. He went very quickly after his twin brother died. POAs were essential. Definitely pick up a couple of books for DH & FIL to read about the whole process. They weren't happy books, but the legal & financial stuff was easier once everyone was on the same page.

 

[prairiewindmomma]

---

Edited September 12, 2016 by kbeal

[creekland]

Also, definitely get a POA and a DNR or whatever else you might need done beforehand.

 

This part is totally up to hubby and his dad, of course.  I'm not sure I have much sway over that part, but I feel I can convince them to let MIL and me stay at home (not 100% sure there either, but will definitely try considering everyone's BTDT experience matching my thoughts about the situation).

[Storygirl]

I agree with keeping her at home. You can tell her he is at a doctor's appointment, but if she doesn't like doctors, that might make her anxious. Instead, you could say that FIL is working on project with your husband. Or is at a meeting.

 

When my dad had his stent, he had to stay overnight. Be prepared for an overnight stay, just in case.

[creekland]

I agree with keeping her at home. You can tell her he is at a doctor's appointment, but if she doesn't like doctors, that might make her anxious. Instead, you could say that FIL is working on project with your husband. Or is at a meeting.

 

When my dad had his stent, he had to stay overnight. Be prepared for an overnight stay, just in case.

 

My dad did too when he had his, so yes, at 88 years of age, that's what I'm more or less expecting.

 

I'm thinking of trying the doctor's appt line since it is sort of the truth.  If she gets too upset, I'll switch.  Since she doesn't like doctors I'm thinking she'll accept it just fine that hubby took him to the appt.  He's had several appts, even recently.  His cardiac issues go back  twenty+ years and the past few months have been rough.

 

I asked hubby about POA this evening.  His brother has it (which is fine with us since he lives closer and is more often the one accompanying him when needed).  The two brothers get along great, so all seems fine there.  Hubby isn't sure about a DNR, but I'd suspect the hospital or doctor to know that.  This isn't FIL's first experience with serious health issues. 

 

But hopefully all will be fine and the biggest "issue" will be keeping MIL satisfied and not insisting we go look for him (or sneaking out on me/us overnight when she can't find him - if that happens).

[prairiewindmomma]

Don't quote, I'm going to edit out.

 

-----

Edited September 12, 2016 by kbeal

[ktgrok]

Can you make some calls to care agencies while you are there? Maybe set up some interviews? Or go down a day early to do that? It may be that FIL hasn't called because he can't get two minutes alone to do it. Or maybe just can't bring himself to make that first call. If you arranged to have some people show up and all he had to do was say yes or no, that might really help. 

[Joules]

Can you make some calls to care agencies while you are there? Maybe set up some interviews? Or go down a day early to do that? It may be that FIL hasn't called because he can't get two minutes alone to do it. Or maybe just can't bring himself to make that first call. If you arranged to have some people show up and all he had to do was say yes or no, that might really help. 

 

I know it's coming up soon, but this is a good idea.  Maybe interviews could be someone coming to have tea with you and MIL.  Your stamina may be better than mine, but if FIL ends up in the hospital for a couple of nights, it sounds like you may have to stay awake that entire time to keep an eye on her.  Even if you are potentially only hiring someone for a day for you to get a nap, it would give you a chance to see how she'd do.

[creekland]

I don't know anyone personally in the area, so nothing will be happening before or during (esp with his surgery two days away from now), but we are staying longer.  Pending how FIL feels afterward, it's entirely possible that hubby will get a chance to assist him with finding someone.  I like to think the circumstances will help him realize the need, but who knows?

[mschickie]

Depending on how things go this may be the perfect time to talk about getting help in or finding some place that better fits their current needs.  I pray everything goes well.

[creekland]

Depending on how things go this may be the perfect time to talk about getting help in or finding some place that better fits their current needs.  I pray everything goes well.

 

Thanks.

 

Hubby and I have been talking a bit today (with friends at church and elsewhere, as well as among ourselves) and hoping this inspires him to be willing to get in-home help.

[Seasider]

What kind of restrictions will FIL have following the procedure? Will he be able to manage after you leave?

[creekland]

What kind of restrictions will FIL have following the procedure? Will he be able to manage after you leave?

 

We have no idea TBH.  

 

I know he was expecting us to arrive Tuesday morning and leave Wednesday sometime.  However, we're heading out this afternoon (can't trust traffic tomorrow morning) and hubby has been contacting his clients letting them know he's going to be working remotely for some time (letting them know why).  I have our bills all up to date for a couple of weeks and our farm/critter sitters are fine with "not knowing" when we're returning.  We're totally planning on playing it by ear based upon what we see.

 

I suspect most people coming home after surgery more or less need to rest and find it helpful to have people waiting on them - not taking care of someone else full time.  I also know some folks (including my dad) who have had stents tell me they felt better right away.  I'm just not convinced "right away" is immediate and means taking care of others.  Maybe it is.  I haven't personally experienced it nor asked anyone.

 

I think he'll appreciate our hanging around for a little bit.  If not, no big deal.  We can always return home.

[prairiewindmomma]

Good luck!

[Seasider]

Prayers that all goes well tomorrow!

[Luckymama]

Thinking of you and the family today, creekland. I hope the procedure went smoothly, that recovery will proceed without a hitch, and that your MIL was and is ok with the unusual days.

 

:grouphug:

[creekland]

Thinking of you and the family today, creekland. I hope the procedure went smoothly, that recovery will proceed without a hitch, and that your MIL was and is ok with the unusual days.

 

:grouphug:

 

The procedure is going on now.  I don't have any updates yet.  Hopefully no news is good news.

 

MIL has been really sedate today. I guess that's good. She's only asked a few times about where they are and when they are coming home and has been content with "Doctors appt" and "after dark."  We're currently watching The Brady Bunch after spending hours with The Golden Girls, Andy Griffith, The Beverly Hillbillies, and a handful of others.

 

I'm bored stiff TBH, but it's better than trying to counteract a bit of fear.  I can tell she's getting more concerned internally because she's started getting worried about her clothes, but I'm trying to ignore that and hoping she forgets it.

 

Her memory is super off though.  She can't remember that this is her house or where the bathroom or her bedroom are.   :sad:   She also tends to think my hubby is FIL when they were here.

 

For other news... FIL has set up alarms to help him when she wanders (she got out again two nights ago - a neighbor brought her home at 5am).  Hubby helped him get the alarms working yesterday.

[prairiewindmomma]

Does she wear jewelry? Will she leave it on? It may be time to get her an identifying medical alert bracelet.  Also, beyond the alarms, have you tried printing off a "stop" sign to put on the front door? She may not remember it's her home, and be seeking to figure out where she is by wandering.  "Stop" signs tend to be things that stick from early memories.

 

Hallmark Channel is popular here....happy feel good movies that keep that underlying emotional tone fairly even.

[creekland]

No, she will not keep anything "new" on.  If it hasn't been part of her life, it can't be now, not even shirts, etc.  She's even having trouble with her glasses and keeps them off most of the time now.

 

The Stop Sign suggestion is interesting.  I'll bring that up to hubby later.  It'd be an easy thing to try.

 

I had to switch off the Brady Bunch.  She can't follow anything plot-wise and didn't remember that show at all.  She enjoys shows with plentiful and quick "one liners" with laugh tracks.  I'm trying "Three's a Crowd."  For the moment, that's working.

[Okra]

How did you find someone trustworthy?

 

This question is for everyone, of course.  I think this would have to be a first step.

 

 

I'm jumping into this late....so maybe this question has already been answered.  But, I think for anyone that has help for the elderly, it is best to be aware that they are easily taken advantage.

 

Lots of different people were coming in to MIL house, and we went ahead and installed a indoor security camera like this:

http://www.arlo.com/en-us/products/kit/VMC3040.aspx?cid=q3_arlo_us_search

 

It has a motion detecter and all video is stored on the cloud free for 30 days.  We put it in the living areas just to make certain people were treating her with respect and not snooping around or anything.

 

Because, you never know, and I think it's best to keep watch.

 

And, BTW, no one ever did anything weird or suspicious, it just made us certain that everything was okay.

[creekland]

Ok, surgery went well, but as I expected, they are keeping FIL overnight.

 

So... is he in the hospital overnight, somewhere else (not sure where since he doesn't stay elsewhere), or something else?  I can't guarantee she'll think hubby is him.  That's on and off.

 

Hubby and I will have to take shifts staying up.  I really don't want her getting out on our watch.

[Innisfree]

What sort of absence would have been normal and expected for him in the past? That's what I'd probably go with as an explanation. Will she actually realize that it's night and he should be home?

[creekland]

What sort of absence would have been normal and expected for him in the past? That's what I'd probably go with as an explanation. Will she actually realize that it's night and he should be home?

 

As far as I know, they have never been apart overnight though they don't sleep in the same bedroom and haven't for decades.  That's actually why she leaves at night.  She's looking for him and forgets to check his bedroom to see if he's there.  She figures he's outside working and is trying to find him.

 

Maybe she would forget that he ought to be home.  I'm not sure.  When he's left her before (tons of times for hunting, work, and meetings), he's always been home after dark, but now her mind is at a different point than I'm used to, so who knows?  I'm in new territory and learning as I go along (hubby too).

[zoobie]

I'd just keep saying, "Oh, he'll be back soon." and distract distract distract.

 

Did FIL and DH put alarms on her bedroom door? There's dangerous stuff she can do in the house, not just escape from it. 

[creekland]

I'd just keep saying, "Oh, he'll be back soon." and distract distract distract.

 

Did FIL and DH put alarms on her bedroom door? There's dangerous stuff she can do in the house, not just escape from it. 

 

The alarm comes on in his bedroom as soon as she reaches the end of the hall.  This allows her to go to the bathroom or his bedroom (or the spare bedroom) without setting it off, but that's it.

 

I don't think he'll be getting much sleep.  She's up every night at some point or another.

 

Both hubby and I are truly hoping this is something that will convince FIL to get some help.  Time will tell.

 

We can't be here all the time.  Hubby's business allows some remote working (esp since he owns the company and doesn't have to ask for time away), but he needs to be on site and at township meetings and similar things too. No work = no income. Then there's our farm and critters.

 

BIL and SIL both have jobs where they work for others.

 

We can both take time off to help, but not full time.

[TechWife]

 

For other news... FIL has set up alarms to help him when she wanders (she got out again two nights ago - a neighbor brought her home at 5am).  Hubby helped him get the alarms working yesterday.

 

Bed and chair alarms might be helpful. My mom has a bed alarm and there is a baby monitor in my parents bedroom. The other end of it is with my brother elsewhere in the house. When mom gets out of bed, the alarm sounds and my brother hears it through the baby monitor and goes to help her. She doesn't have dementia, but she falls easily and forgets she needs help getting out of the bed. She also has a chair alarm for her chair in the living room. 

 

In case he decides to get these - it's recommended that the bed alarm go under the shoulders so that it will go off when the person sits up, giving the caregiver a bit of time to respond before the person is fully out of bed. Since my mom could possibly hurt herself if she gets up without help, that has worked well for her. 

 

Edited September 13, 2016 by TechWife

[zoobie]

Even the bathroom can be filled with land mines. My grandmother flooded the basement level when she was able to get out of bed. (It's a completely finished daylight-walkout space, customized for her use--they don't have her locked in a scary, dank basement!) 

[QueenCat]

Regarding the racism: don't worry about it when finding long term care. They will assume it's dementia related and give it a pass. They have seen a lot of bad behavior in dementia patients and look past it. My dad took up swearing in his dementia days, which mortified my mother, because the f word would come out of his mouth when he wasn't happy at something the nursing staff asked him to do. This from a guy that wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful in his healthy days. But they didn't know that; much bad behavior is written off to the dementia. So just apologize on her behalf and forget about it.

 

I am so glad to hear that this is normal. My dad has been saying words that he'd of tanned my hide for saying......

[creekland]

Even the bathroom can be filled with land mines. My grandmother flooded the basement level when she was able to get out of bed. (It's a completely finished daylight-walkout space, customized for her use--they don't have her locked in a scary, dank basement!) 

 

She has flooded the bathroom (and flushed underwear, etc) several times.  FIL now has it all pretty waterproof.  He has a lot of carpentry experience.  He built this house and their vacation cottage in his younger years and still does a lot of small projects for himself and others.