A poll about affairs

[madteaparty]

oh never mind. Wasting words on the internet

[StaceyinLA]

I put yes. My first husband was unfaithful multiple times. I stuck it out for a bit because of my beliefs regarding marriage/divorce, and because of our children. I then found out about a fairly long affair he had while traveling for work. He made it pretty clear our family was NOT his priority. So, with 3 little kids AND 5 months pregnant, I bailed (well, I kicked him out). I never looked back.

 

It took a LOT to be able to trust someone, but I am with a man that I know without a doubt, would not cheat on me for anything. To find that after my first marriage was truly a gift.

[Scarlett]

I put yes. My first husband was unfaithful multiple times. I stuck it out for a bit because of my beliefs regarding marriage/divorce, and because of our children. I then found out about a fairly long affair he had while traveling for work. He made it pretty clear our family was NOT his priority. So, with 3 little kids AND 5 months pregnant, I bailed (well, I kicked him out). I never looked back.

 

It took a LOT to be able to trust someone, but I am with a man that I know without a doubt, would not cheat on me for anything. To find that after my first marriage was truly a gift.

Same here. Well I don't think anything is absolute but I do trust my Dh A LOT. People often ask me how I can after what my xh put me through. It is difficult to explain....but it was easy to trust Dh. And yes it is a gift.

[Crimson Wife]

#1: Are those of you saying you wouldn't want to know saying this due to a desire to preserve your way of life? So you can continue staying home with your kids and/or homeschooling, retaining financial status, etc while still assuming your marriage is hunky dory? Or are you simply trying to protect your own emotions? I'm really trying to wrap my head around a woman not wanting to know that her husband was unfaithful, untrustworthy, deceitful, etc. I'm not judging, just extremely surprised at how many say they aren't sure they'd want to be told.

 

Purely hypothetical situation: what if the husband had a job in a field where it is common business practice to entertain clients at a strip club. One time when he's out-of-town on a business trip he gives in to temptation and has a transactional encounter with a stripper/escort, using protection. Total dirtbag move but he realizes it and takes steps to ensure it never happens again. Gets tested for STD's and is negative so there's no health risk to the wife. Changes jobs to a field where he won't be expected to go to strip clubs or travel out-of-town.

 

Is it really better for him to confess to the wife when it was one time, purely physical, and he's taken concrete actions to prevent similar things from happening in the future?

[Crimson Wife]

And if the question is, "why didn't he just change jobs earlier?" remember that the labor market totally stunk during the Great Recession and walking away from a good-paying job without having a new one lined up would've hurt the family tremendously.

[ktgrok]

Purely hypothetical situation: what if the husband had a job in a field where it is common business practice to entertain clients at a strip club. One time when he's out-of-town on a business trip he gives in to temptation and has a transactional encounter with a stripper/escort, using protection. Total dirtbag move but he realizes it and takes steps to ensure it never happens again. Gets tested for STD's and is negative so there's no health risk to the wife. Changes jobs to a field where he won't be expected to go to strip clubs or travel out-of-town.

 

Is it really better for him to confess to the wife when it was one time, purely physical, and he's taken concrete actions to prevent similar things from happening in the future?

 

See, the thing is...that shows such poor judgement, it would change who he was to me. 

[goldberry]

Totally depends on the situation. Is it an on-going thing or a one-time mistake? If it was a one-time thing, what is the adulterer doing to ensure it won't ever happen again? Is there emotional entanglement or is it purely physical (say with a s*x worker)? It's hard to make a blanket statement when there are so many different potential scenarios.

 

ETA: I've never been in this situation personally AFAIK but I am familiar with situations where people on their deathbed have confessed long-ago affairs and it just wound up hurting the widow/widower and children. That's the kind of confession that should be made to a priest/minister, not the ignorant spouse.

 

I would absolutely want to know if it was ongoing, if there was emotional entanglement, or if there were things in the relationship which lead to what happened (the person feeling lonely, disconnected, whatever).

 

In the second situation, a one time, unintended, this is totally a mistake and will never happen again, I would not.  And sometimes I think telling the spouse in those situations, and especially the whole deathbed thing, is about the most selfish thing someone can do besides actually having the sex.

[Anne in CA]

I would suspect that most people on the board seem self aware enough that they would either want to know, or be good with not knowing because they see a bigger picture. Not everyone, just most people.

[goldberry]

I think it's more like having him come to you and being honest that he's been considering cheating, or he's met somebody, or whatever. You know, "hey honey, if you think you're going to cheat, come home and let's talk about this and see if we can fix things before they go somewhere we don't want and I have to leave you in a fit of hurt rage."

 

This is important I think.  If we were having problems, and DH came to me and said, look, this is getting bad enough that I was actually tempted to go have a drink with this girl (or whatever), we have to work on this... I think that is how communication in a marriage should work.  That is the kind of honesty that is important to me.

 

If most spouses were able to be that kind of honest, I suspect it could prevent many affairs.  

[ktgrok]

If it had just happened, I'd want to know. If it was a one time thing decades ago, and I've lived this long not knowing, I wouldn't want to know. Maybe that doesn't make sense. 

[Crimson Wife]

See, the thing is...that shows such poor judgement, it would change who he was to me. 

 

It would absolutely be a horrible lapse in judgment but if it truly was a one-time thing and the idiot husband has not just claimed that it won't happen again but actually taken concrete actions to prevent the circumstances from reoccurring, is it better to inform the wife? This is not a situation where there is an ongoing relationship with the adultery partner. It was purely physical and the "other woman" understands that since she was paid for the encounter (let's assume that the payment does not cause any financial difficulties for the family).

[Mergath]

Totally depends on the situation. Is it an on-going thing or a one-time mistake? If it was a one-time thing, what is the adulterer doing to ensure it won't ever happen again? Is there emotional entanglement or is it purely physical (say with a s*x worker)? It's hard to make a blanket statement when there are so many different potential scenarios.

 

ETA: I've never been in this situation personally AFAIK but I am familiar with situations where people on their deathbed have confessed long-ago affairs and it just wound up hurting the widow/widower and children. That's the kind of confession that should be made to a priest/minister, not the ignorant spouse.

 

:iagree:  It would depend on the situation for me. If dh was in a long-term relationship with someone else, I'd want to know. If he screwed up and had a one-time physical thing and felt horrible about it after, I wouldn't want to know. Assuming he went and got himself tested for STDs after, of course.

 

I have OCD though, so I would probably obsess about it to a seriously unhealthy degree. With me, when there's something bad that I can't do anything about, it's better for me not to know. 

[Mergath]

If it had just happened, I'd want to know. If it was a one time thing decades ago, and I've lived this long not knowing, I wouldn't want to know. Maybe that doesn't make sense. 

 

Makes sense to me. In that situation, a husband telling his wife would make the husband feel better and the wife feel worse. Screw that. Let the husband suffer in silence for his mistake. Or get a therapist and tell them if he really needs to get it off his chest. 

[ktgrok]

Makes sense to me. In that situation, a husband telling his wife would make the husband feel better and the wife feel worse. Screw that. Let the husband suffer in silence for his mistake. Or get a therapist and tell them if he really needs to get it off his chest. 

 

right. Ideally, he'd tell me right away, so we could discuss it and heal from it. But if he didn't, no point in doing it 25 years later. 

[Scarlett]

right. Ideally, he'd tell me right away, so we could discuss it and heal from it. But if he didn't, no point in doing it 25 years later.

I would want to know regardless of how many years had passed. But this hypothetical underscores why secrets are so terrible. If the one time foolish mistake had been fessed up to right away, trust could be reestablishd and no one has to live with a guilty conscience for the rest of their lives.

[Mergath]

I would want to know regardless of how many years had passed. But this hypothetical underscores why secrets are so terrible. If the one time foolish mistake had been fessed up to right away, trust could be reestablishd and no one has to live with a guilty conscience for the rest of their lives.

 

I don't know. I think confessing- when it's something that will deeply hurt another person- is overrated. If it's not something that will ever happen again, why would I hurt my spouse just to make myself feel better? To me, that seems like a shitty thing to do. I feel like if I screwed up to that degree, it would be my burden to bear.

[Scarlett]

I don't know. I think confessing- when it's something that will deeply hurt another person- is overrated. If it's not something that will ever happen again, why would I hurt my spouse just to make myself feel better? To me, that seems like a shitty thing to do. I feel like if I screwed up to that degree, it would be my burden to bear.

 

I would not want my husband to bear that burden.

[PrincessMommy]

I would want to be told.  It would be a awful, but not as awful as being a chump. 

[TranquilMind]

Seriously. Who are these women/men who don't want to know.

 

Edited to add.....to be clear I am not asking if you would ant to know so you could promptly divorce the cheater. The question is would you want to know.

 

They are...not you.

 

Seriously, what I have seen is that they are mostly older women, married for a very long time, who know, have always known, and aren't going to change anything because something in their relationship is worth it for them. 

 

I think most women of our generation and younger would want to know.  Actually deep down, I think most women who face this DO know, even if they don't want to acknowledge it for a time.  At the very least, they know something isn't right.  Women in particular seem to have really fine-tuned intuition. 

 

Just my thoughts on it, and I've seen some stuff through the generations. 

[Haiku]

I would want to know. A choice made in ignorance is not a choice.

 

I cannot choose what is best for me if I don't have all the information.

[8circles]

I'll try to explain again since I have a minute.

 

I'm not "older".  I'm 42.  

 

I can relate to people saying they can't imagine their DH having an affair.  I truly can't.  I would be gobsmacked if someone told me he was cheating.  I would be more likely to cheat than he would (& I can't imagine doing it either, just trying to give appropriate background).

 

We will be celebrating our 20th anniversary this fall.  We have 4 children, middleschool & under.  Our marriage isn't perfect, has ups & downs, but it is solid & I feel secure in it.  DH is a great father and while there are issues (some of you know more than others), we are happy.

 

This is the situation I have in which I'm attempting to imagine that DH is having an affair.  If I were to discover something like that - I wouldn't immediately want a divorce - I used to think I would.  I certainly wouldn't be happy about it.  But we have a good life & I don't want it to be torn apart.  Yes, I'm willing to put up with DH having an affair in order to make that happen.  It's much easier to do that if I just don't know about it.

 

When kids are gone & I'm working & able to support myself?  I'd not be willing to live with that anymore so then I'd want to know.

 

There is more to this life than sexual fidelity between husband & wife.  I live with a lot of messy baggage and I have a *good*, *happy* life.  An affair in *this* life that I'm leading?  Not going to let it ruin it.  There are bigger things. 

[Samm]

I'd want to know immediately.  I can only think that a natural product of affairs are children.  Something like this would shake my world off axis  if I thought he had other children or any on the way.

[lllll]

nm

Edited August 22, 2016 by Cathi

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am one of the few who said "No."  I think this might be a temporary answer.  Life is just to difficult right now for me to handle another blow ... Seriously!  I could not handle shattering that illusion.  (Mentally ill adult child making life very difficult in our house combined with my entire support network evaporating leading to some pretty hellish depression.  Working on help for that, but it is not helpful when your therapist goes all "mansplaining" on you, telling you to either suck it up or kick the ingrate out.  Nevermind that it would likely be a death sentence.  ) 

 

ETA:  This is all hypothetical.  I have no reason to suspect anything.  I handle the finances so I know what happens to our money more than he does.  He has never given me a reason not to trust him. In the past, he has distance himself from people he knew were not faithful to their spouses. 

Edited August 13, 2016 by dirty ethel rackham

[Scarlett]

I am one of the few who said "No." I think this might be a temporary answer. Life is just to difficult right now for me to handle another blow ... Seriously! I could not handle shattering that illusion. (Mentally ill adult child making life very difficult in our house combined with my entire support network evaporating leading to some pretty hellish depression. Working on help for that, but it is not helpful when your therapist goes all "mansplaining" on you, telling you to either suck it up or kick the ingrate out. Nevermind that it would likely be a death sentence. )

 

ETA: This is all hypothetical. I have no reason to suspect anything. I handle the finances so I know what happens to our money more than he does. He has never given me a reason not to trust him. In the past, he has distance himself from people he knew were not faithful to their spouses.

(((Hugs)))). My one friend who had a cheating husband....she had recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He was bragging to his OW that his wife would die soon and he would have all their money to himself. That is how I happened to hear about it. I waited almost a year because honestly I thought she was about to die. Then he left her and she and I got very close and she was so confused about his actions...so I told her. She was never mad at me over waiting or telling. I was so sickened by him having an affair on his terminally ill wife. So yes I totally understand your feelings on not wanting to know right now.....and I am thankful your Dh gives you no cause for worry in that area.

[luuknam]

My one friend who had a cheating husband....she had recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He was bragging to his OW that his wife would die soon and he would have all their money to himself.

 

If I were terminally ill, I'd generally not want to know, I think, but this... I'd want to know, so I could leave him as little money as possible.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

#1: Are those of you saying you wouldn't want to know saying this due to a desire to preserve your way of life? So you can continue staying home with your kids and/or homeschooling, retaining financial status, etc while still assuming your marriage is hunky dory? Or are you simply trying to protect your own emotions? I'm really trying to wrap my head around a woman not wanting to know that her husband was unfaithful, untrustworthy, deceitful, etc. I'm not judging, just extremely surprised at how many say they aren't sure they'd want to be told.

 

#2: Those of you saying it's beyond your realm of thinking because you just can't imagine it happening to you...I'm sure LOTS of women once thought this only to discover they were oh so very wrong (I'm one of them).

 

#3: I would absolutely, definitely, without a doubt want to know. Finding out later doesn't hurt any less. For me, knowing would have prevented a lot of the heart ache I went through when trying to save our marriage (I had NO idea until after the divorce and just could not figure out what had changed in him and in our marriage. I never imagined us getting divorced and I never, ever, ever imagined him cheating).

 

#4: If family or friends knew I would expect them to tell me or forever live with the consequences of my future mistrust. I would never withhold that kind of information from someone I cared about(or even from someone I didn't).

 

 

I am one of the few who said "No."  I think this might be a temporary answer.  Life is just to difficult right now for me to handle another blow ... Seriously!  I could not handle shattering that illusion.  (Mentally ill adult child making life very difficult in our house combined with my entire support network evaporating leading to some pretty hellish depression.  Working on help for that, but it is not helpful when your therapist goes all "mansplaining" on you, telling you to either suck it up or kick the ingrate out.  Nevermind that it would likely be a death sentence.  ) 

 

ETA:  This is all hypothetical.  I have no reason to suspect anything.  I handle the finances so I know what happens to our money more than he does.  He has never given me a reason not to trust him. In the past, he has distance himself from people he knew were not faithful to their spouses. 

 

DER stole my answer.

 

Yes, of course, people want truth and not to be chumps and not to be at risk of STDS and to have the power to make their own decisions. On that level, everybody wants to know.

 

But if my DH had come to me about an affair while our son was in the hospital, he was under-employed and then working out of state, the two younger boys were in physical therapy for congenital deformities...oh, we had a crapnado going on...if he'd come to me THEN to confess ANYTHING, I'd have killed him.

 

I'd have killed him then for piling more stuff on me of that magnitude while I was already in an avalanche.

 

Once I was out from under the avalanche I'd have killed him again for what he actually did, betraying and hurting me, but honest to God, the first impulse would have had the upper hand for quite some time. Not just "how could you do this to me," but "how could you dump this on me now? If you're guilty, then BE guilty and let me get through this crisis!"

 

So there's a perspective from someone who has never been through a spouse's affair, thank God, but who can easily see why there may times and stages where women would not want to know because they can't take one more thing. That's a place to visit, not a place to live, but life goes like that sometimes.

[Guest]

I can't read the thread until later, but by way of putting a pin in it:

 

I am one of those women. Do. Not. Tell. Me.

 

This is not a hypothetical-based opinion. I know what I'm taking about here, for myself.

 

Eeek hopefully the thread hasn't gone somewhere totally crazy lol....

[Scarlett]

If I were terminally ill, I'd generally not want to know, I think, but this... I'd want to know, so I could leave him as little money as possible.

It was horrible to watch. He had successfully sued a school district who bullied their son and won about 200k. While he was out of town working and having his affair she got their home ready for sale and managed to make a tidy profit on it. Then they bought a lovely home very near me and also near his new job and good medical care for her.

 

After he left her, she found out ( from me ) about the affair, decided to return to him because she 'didn't want to die alone', and now 8 years later they have lost the home to foreclosure. Which means they mortgaged it after they paid cash for it. Makes me sick......

 

Ugh.

[Guest]

Can someone explain to me why you wouldn't personally want to know? I find that a fascinating response and don't really 'get' it, but I'm sure you all have good reasons.

 

I get the 'not one more thing to worry about', but doesn't not knowing still not make that better? It seems like it would hurt less if you were aware, even if you decided to ignore it, no?

Edited August 13, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[peachskittles]

My sister and I had a similar conversation in the past week.  For her, her husband would die.  Any indication that the other party is being unfaithful will meet her wrath.

 

Me, I'm completely different.  My sister put it nicely that the main part of the relationship is treated like a business.  We care for each other deeply.  It might be love, it might not be, but I definetely know that either myself or him would be sad if something happened to the other party.  We raise a family together, run a house together, and at night we know that we are the one on the other person's mind.  BUT the physical side of relationship is just that, physical.  I'm not saying that sex is meaningless, but I can have sex with anyone and eh, it's just sex.  I'm not happier or sadder when I'm with my spouse physically.  Now, I'm not cheating, but in the past I have cheated (not in this relationship, so 10 years faithful) and I have been cheated on.  I get it.  For some people, it is the end of the relationship.  For me, please don't tell me if you are bumping uglies with someone else.  Seriously, figure out why you need to step out and speak up.

 

Now the affair becomes different if it interferes in the business side of our relationship.  Sweet nothings messaged to the other party...Ain't happening...Telling someone else your hopes, dreams, fears...Nope...That is my territory...If the affair is that deep, then we need to separate...But sex, sex is only sex.  I would hope that my spouse tells me if he is engaging physically with someone else, but I don't want some stranger on street letting me know (or for that matter, anyone but him).

 

 

 

[Guest]

Please don't take it personally, I was asking so I could understand why that would be the choice, not to hear every personal detail of your life and judge. I'm sorry if you took it that way, I'm just trying to see the other side and understand because I'm coming up blank.

 

I get that hearing would be awful, I can't even imagine if my husband cheated on me - it's a 'does not compute' with him, completely against his nature. And yet it's not completely impossible because he is human. I wouldn't necessarily leave either, I'm not in a position where I could, even short term. So I'd have to deal with the betrayal while remaining married and probably under the same roof. But not knowing, with it still going on? That seems even worse. I'm thinking of my friend who ended up with cervical cancer because of an STD she learned she had caught, and that was how she found out about his affair. Things like that freak me out.

 

I can see struggling to forgive someone for years over an affair, and how hard that would be. But not knowing to not have mentally deal with it just seems so much worse. I thought I might be missing why ignorance would be bliss when the betrayal was still occurring, regardless.

 

I'm sorry if I'm phrasing this indelicately, I'm not trying to! Please excuse any of my blundering in trying to find the words to discuss this, no hurt feelings are intended.

Edited August 13, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[madteaparty]

lol, I guess I'm an old lady now.

 

I have felt this way - NO - since, oh, I was in my late thirties. I don't think that makes me part of some weird older generation that 'puts up with it for the cash' or something, but I could be in deep denial...don't think so...for starters, there's not that much cash!

 

I'm joking, but it's kinda hurtful. People put thought into these decisions, and it's not just so they don't have to go out and get a job or something.

 

I'm not going to explain my reasons -too personal. But it's a valid, if minority, choice.

I'm not an old lady (30s) and neither am I some little ignorant wife that wants to maintain the frequency of her Costco trips. I'm educated and can earn about as much as DH. I also know, for a fact, that I will not put my kids through a custody battle and the resulting shuffling. And because I know myself, if I was confronted with the facts, I would have to act in order to maintain some self respect. So don't tell me. I would know. We are not as stupid as we look.

[Guest]

The STD issue irt to gabbing on affairs is highly over-stated imo.

 

If I am having sex regularly, then I will have already caught anything he had to give me by the time Jane Knowswhatsup tells me. And I'll know in less than a year.

-------------

[separate thought here]

 

If my husband is having an affair SO BADLY that someone else knows,...then I think he wants to get caught. He's very intelligent. If he wants to keep a secret, he certainly could. Ergo our marriage was on the way down the drain already and it's safe to assume I'm already watching him like a hawk, and therefore knew before you. .

 

-------------

 

Lastly (and this is the part I have so much experience with) .....people routinely do not know as much as they think they know.

 

If you saw my husband stick his business into someone else's business with your own two eyeballs...by all means...call me up.

 

Otherwise: nah.

 

[i am not old]

 

edited to clarify

Edited August 13, 2016 by OKBud

[Guest]

I'm not an old lady (30s) and neither am I some little ignorant wife that wants to maintain the frequency of her Costco trips. I'm educated and can earn about as much as DH. I also know, for a fact, that I will not put my kids through a custody battle and the resulting shuffling.

 

yeah

 

even though I think it wouldn't be a battle in my case.

 

...it'd still be BAD FOR THE KIDS.

[ktgrok]

The STD issue irt to gabbing on affairs is highly over-stated imo.

 

If I am having sex regularly, then I will have already caught anything he had to give me by the time Jane Knowswhatsup tells me. And I'll know in less than a year.

 

 

 

Actually, many STDs don't have noticeable symptoms in women. And only HPV is routinely tested for, and even that not in everyone. 

Edited August 14, 2016 by ktgrok

[8circles]

Can someone explain to me why you wouldn't personally want to know? I find that a fascinating response and don't really 'get' it, but I'm sure you all have good reasons.

 

I get the 'not one more thing to worry about', but doesn't not knowing still not make that better? It seems like it would hurt less if you were aware, even if you decided to ignore it, no?

 

Well, I've explained it a couple of times already so...

 

 

I'm not an old lady (30s) and neither am I some little ignorant wife that wants to maintain the frequency of her Costco trips. I'm educated and can earn about as much as DH. I also know, for a fact, that I will not put my kids through a custody battle and the resulting shuffling. And because I know myself, if I was confronted with the facts, I would have to act in order to maintain some self respect. So don't tell me. I would know. We are not as stupid as we look.

 

Yes.  I'm capable of being a high-earner - maybe even higher than DH as I used to before kids.  I'm not "trapped".  & It isn't about "maintaining a lifestyle" aka Costco trips.  It's our entire life together as a family, that makes it worth it to me.

[Guest]

Actually, many STDs don't have noticeable symptoms in women. And only HPV is routinely tested for, and even that not in everyone. 

 

I get tested for STDs every year as a matter of course. And my post was about me.

 

And the most pertinent part of it was that, like "The Reynold's Pamphlet"(but going the other way), ime people usually don't know what they think they know.

Edited August 14, 2016 by OKBud

[amy g.]

I am one of those wives who can not even imagine my husband having an affair. Of course, I know it could happen, but honestly, if he told me tonight that he had cheated on me, my first concern would be making sure he doesn't have a brain tumor. It would be that big of a personality change.

 

However, if one of my friends knows that Dh is having an affair, they had better tell me so I can take all of his money and tell his 5 brothers, some of which he says would beat him up when they found out.

 

Does that mean I will automatically divorce him? Not necessarily but I'd sure want to know.

[lllll]

nm

 

Edited August 22, 2016 by Cathi

[Guest]

In other conversations like this elsewhere, I have noted that sometimes other people seem very offended that I hypothetically don't want to be told if they hypothetically think my husband is stepping out on me.

 

I wonder why that is?

[madteaparty]

I am one of those wives who can not even imagine my husband having an affair. Of course, I know it could happen, but honestly, if he told me tonight that he had cheated on me, my first concern would be making sure he doesn't have a brain tumor. It would be that big of a personality change.

 

However, if one of my friends knows that Dh is having an affair, they had better tell me so I can take all of his money and tell his 5 brothers, some of which he says would beat him up when they found out.

 

Does that mean I will automatically divorce him? Not necessarily but I'd sure want to know.

They could beat him up. Or they could turn on you in ways you did not think possible. And you can't take all his money, but that's a comforting thought for sure. Especially in states like NJ or FL where visitation time is tied to child support. All of a sudden you will have an extremely involved parent in your hands, who demands 50/50 custody. I hope none of you homeschooling moms find yourself in that position.

People's imagination seems limited in these threads. Lucky :)

Edited August 14, 2016 by madteaparty

[bolt.]

Sorry, double post.

Edited August 14, 2016 by bolt.

[MaeFlowers]

I'm with others who wouldn't want to know about a one time fling. I would want to know about a long term on-going relationship or multiple flings. Those would probably be a deal breaker.

 

I also wouldn't tell if I knew. I think the spouse should tell. I don't want to add I insult to injury, IYKWIM. I have actually been in that position. I told the person having the affair that I knew and what I thought about what they were doing. In this instance, they did tell their spouse. I never admitted knowing because it wasn't my place.

 

I wouldn't want to know because I would probably would stay married anyway. I guess I can't understand why you would want to know if it's not an absolute deal breaker. Why would you want to go through that? (Barring disease)

 

For the record, I'm 41 and have always felt this way.

[bolt.]

In other conversations like this elsewhere, I have noted that sometimes other people seem very offended that I hypothetically don't want to be told if they hypothetically think my husband is stepping out on me.

 

I wonder why that is?

Is it possible that they are offended by the potential for "consiquence free" bad behaviour by hypothetical men -- as if you are abandoning your obligation to not let him hypothetically get away with it?

 

Or maybe they imagine some sort of implicit judgement? Possibly that you seem to be saying that taking offence for marital infidelity is somehow optional and sometimes foolish -- which implies that those who do take offence are (in your eyes) making a possibly foolish choice, when they envision their reaction as automatic. Maybe that makes you 'level-headed-er than thou' in their eyes and creates offence?

Edited August 14, 2016 by bolt.

[madteaparty]

nm

Edited August 14, 2016 by madteaparty

[Audrey]

I don't think it is an "older generation" thing -- not wanting to know.  I think it is a matter of perspective.  Just thinking about my own situation... there are things going on that are far greater in issue than where my dh is putting his penis.  The fact that he is here every day and is doing all that he is doing to keep everything together is all that I need.  If he were screwing someone else, it wouldn't matter to me right now.  Given my perspective, it's the least of the things that would concern me.  Is he coming home to me every day?  That is so much more important than the minute-by-minute location of his genitals.

[ktgrok]

It sounds like this may very well depend on the state of the marriage, state of the rest of the wife's life, etc. I can understand that. If more bad news would be intolerable, that makes sense I guess. 

 

For me, in my marriage, at this point in time, maybe a one time fling I wouldn't need to know about, but I honestly don't believe most men that cheat do it once only. An ongoing pattern or ongoing affair, I'd need to know. I may not leave, but I'd need to know. 

[madteaparty]

Oh, I hope not. Because that would be a really horrible attitude to have. Dh isn't my child - it's not my responsibility to impose consequences, especially consequences that might not work well for me. Not saying that consequences wouldn't naturally arise - of course they do. The only person I have a responsibility to in that situation is myself ( and my children, obvs ).

 

Nobody in this thread has said wanting to know is foolish but it obviously is optional.

 

Idk, Why would anyone care about how another woman chooses to arrange her - ahem, pun ahead - affairs ?

Maybe it's some sort of misguided feminism thing. Like poor us, with no agency, staying quiet for the sake of appearances and festering with all the STDs ;)

Like making my kids starter kids and not seeing them basically half the time is some life I'd want in order to make a feminist stand.

Edited August 14, 2016 by madteaparty

[madteaparty]

It sounds like this may very well depend on the state of the marriage, state of the rest of the wife's life, etc. I can understand that. If more bad news would be intolerable, that makes sense I guess.

 

For me, in my marriage, at this point in time, maybe a one time fling I wouldn't need to know about, but I honestly don't believe most men that cheat do it once only. An ongoing pattern or ongoing affair, I'd need to know. I may not leave, but I'd need to know.

You know, my marriage is excellent. So so happy. Travelling, buying new house, just great. It's happy enough in that if he is managing to have some sort of side piece, I would rather admire the time and energy acrobatics that would require. My kids and I are still getting ours, you see? Why would I want to rock that boat? It's better than all the sanctimonious boats i see around.