Time for some serious honesty

[creekland]

But here's what bothers me about this, at least with the family I was mentioning above: the extravagant assitance to the one daughter seems to me like a showing of lack of confidence in the adult child's abilities. It's sort of patronizing; i.e., "There, there, Jane. We know your husband can't seem to get his act together and earn a substantial income and you're certainly not killin' it, what with taking care of the kids. We'll just buy a house for you! We have the money and why wait until we die?"

 

It also gives the parents a kind of power over their fully adult daughter that personally, I would not want. A nice house would not be worth feeling beholden to my parents forevermore, not would it do my confidence a scrap of good.

 

Additionally, it feels like the parents don't want the less-affluent daughter tarnishing their own success in life. It's fixing up the outside appearance and this is a nicer reflection for the folks.

 

Our family culture is completely different.  I suppose everyone has to go with what their culture is like.  I like ours and the closeness we have (no beholden feelings at all in our family).  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  If others want to whisper or complain, such is their right I suppose.  Some people will do that anyway no matter what one chooses to do!

[Caroline]

Our family culture is completely different. I suppose everyone has to go with what their culture is like. I like ours and the closeness we have (no beholden feelings at all in our family). I wouldn't trade it for anything. If others want to whisper or complain, such is their right I suppose. Some people will do that anyway no matter what one chooses to do!

Amen and amen!

[frogger]

But here's what bothers me about this, at least with the family I was mentioning above: the extravagant assitance to the one daughter seems to me like a showing of lack of confidence in the adult child's abilities. It's sort of patronizing; i.e., "There, there, Jane. We know your husband can't seem to get his act together and earn a substantial income and you're certainly not killin' it, what with taking care of the kids. We'll just buy a house for you! We have the money and why wait until we die?"

 

It also gives the parents a kind of power over their fully adult daughter that personally, I would not want. A nice house would not be worth feeling beholden to my parents forevermore, not would it do my confidence a scrap of good.

 

Additionally, it feels like the parents don't want the less-affluent daughter tarnishing their own success in life. It's fixing up the outside appearance and this is a nicer reflection for the folks.

I agree with you on these points but I'm not sure they have to do with equality. Control issues, gifts with strings attached, lack of respect in allowing adults to run their own lives have more to do with the individual relationship of the parent and child than how it equates to siblings. They could be equally controlling of all the children or only ones they disagree with or who trully can't handle it on their own.

[PrincessMommy]

I don't have a particular favourite but I certainly have times when one or other is easier and more pleasant to be with. It fluctuates though.

 

yes, this exactly.  No favorite, but it fluctuates who is easiest.

[Janeway]

I asked my kids. They tell me I treat them all equally. I think it is beyond important to maintain this.

[happypamama]

I don't have a favorite child.  I love them all equally.

 

I have children who are at times *easier* to enjoy than others, and I think my children can sometimes view that as favoritism, but it's not.  There are things I like and dislike about every one of them (and sometimes I like and dislike a particular trait, depending on how it's manifesting itself on any given day), but I don't have a favorite.

 

I don't try to treat them all equally.  Fairly, yes, but equally, no.  They have different needs, and things are not always equal.  I try to make sure all of their needs, and a good many of their wants, are met.  Sometimes one's needs are greater than another's.  Some things I can't change.  I can't change that my oldest got us to herself for three years, and I can't change that my youngest doesn't get pushed off my lap for a new baby, or that my fourth child is the only one with two close in age siblings, or that my daughter doesn't have a sister.  For better and for worse, they are where they are in the family, and they just need to accept that there are ups and downs to all of it. 

Edited July 5, 2016 by happypamama

[MotherGoose]

I say " You are my favorite --jennifer -- and she's my favorite--Sally, " For example. I try to give them both attention that's Equal, and I point out their Different strengths. I know one can best dea With a cranky daddy, and one can deal with a Cranky baby. One can make eggs, and one is great at straightening the house. I try to capitalize on all their strengths.

Edited July 6, 2016 by MotherGoose

[KungFuPanda]

My siblings think I'm the favorite. I don't get it. I got less of everything . . . financial help, babysitting, visits. Growing up it never really bothered me that the kids who needed help got so much more attention. I enjoyed being capable and self-sufficient. As a parent though, I don't understand how you could spend all your time putting out fires for some kids and make zero effort for others. I feel like my kids are little more than afterthoughts because their parents were able to raise them without help. It's weird.

[Teacher Mom]

Do dogs count? I only have one child, but I confess to liking the dog better. The dog is a lot more grateful, is always happy to see me, and never asks for money.

[Mrs. Y]

With a large family I sometimes fear not paying enough attention to each child. Ironically if at any time I am accused of having a favorite child it is often the very child that I am worrying that I am neglecting the most at that particular time.

 

I have certain children who I call on for certain things. I guess that might be picking favorites in a way. For instance, if I want a quiet walk there are certain ones of my children who make that difficult and others who are pure joy.

[Scarlett]

There's something with this that I wonder about, though. I wonder about financial assistance to one grown sibling who needs it where the other adult child doesn't need it, but this is because the non-needy child has had much greater financial success.

 

I know a family with two grown DDs. The one DD and her husband are very wealthy and have a magnificent house in a coveted district. The other DD has had limited financial success and was living in a (let's be frank) dumpy apartment in an undesirable location. The very wealthy parents of these two women built the poorer DD a house. *Gave* her a beautiful, nice, lovely home on a lot in the nice area near the other daughter. This probably represents a gift in the ballpark of $600-750K.

 

The other DD has told me she is not jealous or mad about it in any way; she already lives in her dream home and does not need the help. And she is happy her nephews and sister will be living in a safer area with better school. BUT, I do not think I would do this, no matter how wealthy I am when my kids are all grown. It looks so obviously inequitable to ALL outsiders. It also seems as though the accomplishments of the one DD are being almost punished, while the other DD's lack of stupendous success is being "rewarded" in a sense.

 

I think if I was dizzyingly wealthy and could afford to give an entire house to one DD, I would still not do exactly this. I would give equally valuable gifts to both kids, even if the one does not need it. I would fully fund the wealthy kid's college funds or something, or would even donate something to a charity if the wealthy DD was insistant that she doesn't need a thing.

 

 

I don't think kids ever need the exact thing.  But they do need to feel exactly loved the same.  So if a  family raises kids to see finances as The Big Thing, then a gift of money will be seen as a gift of love.  My XH, who was raised in such a family, still remembers the Christmas that he received a football, and his brother (2 years older and the favorite) received an expensive gun.  

 

On the other hand, in my family, both my brother and my step brother have received a ton of 'gifted' money for various hard times from our parents..  My sister and I do not resent this.

 

So I don't know.  I am about to learn how this works up close and personal because my step son just came to live with us.  He is just one year younger than my son.  My son was given a newer Prius by his dad/my XH.   About a $14K first car.  And his dad pays the insurance which is $150 per month.  We can't afford that for my ss.  So I feel really bad about that.....but life just isn't fair.  We will help him get a car to drive but it won't be anywhere close to that expensive.

 

Oddly enough, my son accuses me quite often of playing favorites to my ss.  He says I am not as hard on him, give him the benefit of the doubt more etc.  I don't think I do, but I do try to pay attention to not favor one over the other in my words and chore list etc.

Edited July 5, 2016 by Scarlett

[Guest]

I don't think kids ever need the exact thing. But they do need to feel exactly loved the same. So if a family raises kids to see finances as The Big Thing, then a gift of money will be seen as a gift of love. My XH, who was raised in such a family, still remembers the Christmas that he received a football, and his brother (2 years older and the favorite) received an expensive gun.

 

On the other hand, in my family, both my brother and my step brother have received a ton of 'gifted' money for various hard times from our parents.. My sister and I do not resent this.

 

So I don't know. I am about to learn how this works up close and personal because my step son just came to live with us. He is just one year younger than my son. My son was given a newer Prius by his dad. About a $14K first car. And his dad pays the insurance which is $150 per month. We can't afford that for my ss. So I feel really bad about that.....but life just isn't fair. We will help him get a car to drive but it won't be anywhere close to that expensive.

 

Oddly enough, my son accuses me quite often of playing favorites to my ss. He says I am not as hard on him, give him the benefit of the doubt more etc. I don't think I do, but I do try to pay attention to not favor one over the other in my words and chore list etc.

I'm with you on the first part of your post. Parental attitudes about money are going to influence how the kids measure monetary gifts with love.

 

But I'm sorry to say, I would not do what you're doing with the cars for son and step son. It is glaringly uneven. In the first place, I would not set a precedant that we buy new cars for any kids. Secondly, I would only provide a car for the first child that I can forseeably repeat with another child. My oldest child has a car to drive, provided by us, but it is an old Ford Taurus and is nothing special. Much of this is because I don't have a very high bar to leap when my second child gets his license. He will have a comparably unimpressive car to drive unless he somehow buys his own nice car.

[Sarah CB]

Do dogs count? I only have one child, but I confess to liking the dog better. The dog is a lot more grateful, is always happy to see me, and never asks for money.

 

I always tell my cat, Tony, that he's my favourite boy. 

[Scarlett]

I'm with you on the first part of your post. Parental attitudes about money are going to influence how the kids measure monetary gifts with love.

 

But I'm sorry to say, I would not do what you're doing with the cars for son and step son. It is glaringly uneven. In the first place, I would not set a precedant that we buy new cars for any kids. Secondly, I would only provide a car for the first child that I can forseeably repeat with another child. My oldest child has a car to drive, provided by us, but it is an old Ford Taurus and is nothing special. Much of this is because I don't have a very high bar to leap when my second child gets his license. He will have a comparably unimpressive car to drive unless he somehow buys his own nice car.

 

 

Which is how we would have done things if our family was intact.  But it isn't.  My XH provided the car and since it was part of our original divorce agreement there was no way I was going to forbid my son from accepting it.  Dss knows that my son's father makes a lot of money.  Life just isn't always fair.

[maize]

I can't imagine having a favorite.They're all unique and amazing.

 

What I find is that I spend more time parenting the ones who are more challenging and I have to be very intentional about giving time to the ones who tend to cause fewer waves. That has nothing to do with favorites, just practical realities.

[Guest]

Which is how we would have done things if our family was intact. But it isn't. My XH provided the car and since it was part of our original divorce agreement there was no way I was going to forbid my son from accepting it. Dss knows that my son's father makes a lot of money. Life just isn't always fair.

Okay. I thought this was your DH now with your son in the home. I get it.

 

TBH, it annoys me that you keep tacking on that life is not always fair. Of course life is not fair, but that is why I try to be as fair as possible regarding things over which I DO have control.

 

IF I were faced with your situation, I would (if it came up) tell DSS I very much wished I could get him a nice car. I would say I have no influence over what XH gives DS and therefore, can't do anything about it even if he chooses to give DS a Ferrari. I would tell DSS that I will bend over backwards to help him get a suitable car, though I know I cannot afford a new Prius. But I would not say, "Sorry. Life isn't fair". I think using that phrase is mean-spirited and not empathic.

 

Maybe you weren't planning to say that. I hope not.

[Scarlett]

Okay. I thought this was your DH now with your son in the home. I get it.

 

TBH, it annoys me that you keep tacking on that life is not always fair. Of course life is not fair, but that is why I try to be as fair as possible regarding things over which I DO have control.

 

IF I were faced with your situation, I would (if it came up) tell DSS I very much wished I could get him a nice car. I would say I have no influence over what XH gives DS and therefore, can't do anything about it even if he chooses to give DS a Ferrari. I would tell DSS that I will bend over backwards to help him get a suitable car, though I know I cannot afford a new Prius. But I would not say, "Sorry. Life isn't fair". I think using that phrase is mean-spirited and not empathic.

 

Maybe you weren't planning to say that. I hope not.

 

 

No.  Absolutely not.  I wouldn't say that to him in this situation.  I do say that to my boys at times, but it usually has to do with things not going their way....certainly not an uneven distribution of 'stuff'.

 

And we have already said to dss what you mentioned above....that we don't have control over what XH gives to ds.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I have one child that I am closest to (because she desires the same level of connection that I desire.)  I have one who is often my least favorite because the constant friction and grief exhausts me.  But, I try not to play favorites.  I try to be fair, which is not the same as being the same.  Each kid has been the center of my attention at different times and may have appeared to my "favorite" (or "least favorite" depending on the circumstances) at that time. 

[Meriwether]

I don't have a favorite. One child has always been the most charming little thing ever, but it hasn't caused me to feel favoritism. I have one child who has been much more difficult than the others. I don't favor that child less than the others. I have one child that was always so very good do something that caused me heartache. That child was afraid of losing the "good child" status. I think my reaction to that incident was reassuring. One child seems to get a little lost in the shuffle, and I do wonder sometimes what I can do to show love and affection on a regular basis for that child in particular.

[SKL]

I don't have a favorite, but I have one kid who is more high-maintenance than the other.  I admit to catering more to her difficult personality.  The other kid is emotionally more secure, so she can suck it up more readily.  Some people might read this as playing favorites.

[SKL]

I used to think my sister was my parents' favorite - because she got away with stuff I'd never get away with.  But now, I think it was more of a choose your battles thing.  My sister was loud and combative compared to most of the siblings.  I can see why my folks did what they did.  But I suspect they didn't realize how it made the rest of us feel.

[HRAAB]

I don't have a favorite although my girls are all very different.  The relationships look different but not in a way that favors one over another.  I spend as much time as I can with each of my girls, but what I talk about with one will be different from another one. We've never favored one over another with money or gifts or time.  The help we give them is based on their needs.

 

My dh comes from a very large family, and I have never been aware of any favortism; my dh says he never noticed any one sibling being favored.  In my family, just two children, if I'm brutally honest, I would have to say if one was favored it was probably me.  And that does bother me.  A lot of history there. 

[fdrinca]

I admit to having blinders in this situation. 

 

There are serious preferences in DH's extended family, which many in his family are blind to, and it makes us question what we do without knowing. 

 

I do believe that, especially as children grow, parents may be better **friends** with one child over others. In my personal family, I was much closer to my father than mother as we shared many interests and personality traits. 

 

DH's mother exhibits some signs of NPD, so we see a good deal of favoritism amongst his siblings. DH was a golden child for a while, then a scapegoat, and now is nothing. Blissfully nothing. 

[rebcoola]

No we tell the kids they are our favorite blank yr old  or insert name.  We each have one we understand better because they are like us.  I am my Dad's favorite or at least it comes across that way but I am his only child he truly got to raise so it's more a function of time together than anything.