I just made a huge social faux pas....ugh!!!

[bodiesmom]

We were talking with a sweet couple at church, the gentleman we met a while ago but today was the first time we met his wife. He was talking about his kiddos and mentioned how their oldest son had passed away when he was four....

 

I still can't believe I did this...you know how words just start coming out of your mouth and you want to shut your mouth but the words keep coming???

 

I asked him what had happened to his son.

 

Who does that?!! How could I have been so intrusive, insensitive, etc!!!

 

The husband graciously explained his illness, the wife was sweet about it, but did seem to disengage from the conversation.

 

I have no words for my foolishness. How can I mend a huge mistake that I made? Is it even possible?

 

For anyone reading this who has lost a child and has experienced insensitive questions from fools like me...I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry.

[ktgrok]

I don't know how to fix it, but I understand. I have a habit of doing incredibly insensitive things, and not meaning to. Like...stuff I can never live down. Hugs. 

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[ashfern]

:grouphug:  I was talking to the SIL of a neighbor. She mentioned that her DD was going to be graduating high school. I said something about her being excited to be going to college. The mom turned to me and said her DD had Down's and would never go to college. I felt about an inch tall.

[lollie010]

I think it's ok. He mentioned his son and you followed up with a question. I think that's a natural conversation flow. Actually, I think it's better to ask than trying to come up with something else to say, minimizing the loss or pretending that he did not just open up to you. I know people who have had profound loss and they typically are quite gracious when it comes to our conversational mistakes. It's ok! Now you have the beginning of a relationship with them

[lollie010]

Honestly, I doubt it's as bad as you think. I have known a few close friends who have lost children, and the thing they DON'T want is for people to forget, or for people to be disinterested in, the precious child they lost. It might have been worse for you to brush off their loss and awkwardly change the conversation, kwim?

This is what I was trying to say, but had trouble expressing it.

[JessReplanted]

Honestly, I doubt it's as bad as you think.  I have known a few close friends who have lost children, and the thing they DON'T want is for people to forget, or for people to be disinterested in, the precious child they lost.  It might have been worse for you to brush off their loss and awkwardly change the conversation, kwim?

 

Yes, this. ((hugs))

[gardenmom5]

He mentioned it first.

Send a handwritten note expressing remorse at you question making them uncomfortable, and expressing condolences for their loss.

[Spryte]

((Hugs)) People understand. You'll move forward and it will be okay.

 

Here's another one for you: About 3 mos after my hysterectomy, at 27, I was at a show. My mom was helping me (in my previous life I was a sculptor - traveled doing huge, juried art shows). A lady walked up with her very pregnant daughter, and just couldn't stop gushing about how wonderful it was (no problem there, that was fine), and on and on about how I need to get pregnant so my mom can be a grandmother. After a good twenty minutes of this, with us politely responding, making appropriate happy-for-you noises, she got really pushy about it. My mom and I just looked at each other. I finally said, "I just had a hysterectomy in June, so getting pregnant isn't in the cards." That was all I said, I wasn't even upset, but that poor lady wanted to crawl under a rock. I could see it. I didn't mean to make her feel bad, but goodness, we'd had enough. I suspect she has Foot in Mouth Disease. :)

[KungFuPanda]

We ALL have those moments. The wife may have disengaged because of the memory and not because she was disengaging from you specifically. That will happen even when she's alone sometimes. I've had some questions asked about my disabled son that were a little "ouch." However, for my first ten years of parenthood we were a 'normal' family with no frame of reference for what you should and shouldn't ask. Even that varies by the individual.

 

You were interested. You were touched. Honestly I think that's better than moving the conversation along and pretending the child never existed because it makes you feel awkward.

[Kerileanne99]

I hate when that happens. I have one I will NEVER forget. It was so awful:(

I was a close friend and personal assistant to a very dear elderly man for a number of years. I was at his side when his wife died and two years later to the day when he died as well. One of his requests was that I personally call a few of his friends to tell them he had died.

One of them was the very intimidating former head of his Academic department. I was grieving myself, had cried solidly for the last day and was exhausted from a week of being at his side constantly, but there just isn't any excuse...I phoned her to tell her. She had known him for 30 years, both as colleagues and socially. She was understandably upset. We spoke for a few moments, both crying. As I said goodbye I fumbled for something to say.

And said, Okay, have a great day😧

It still makes me cringe:(

[SKL]

I think it is not as bad as you think it is.  Go easy on yourself.  :grouphug:

 

Once I met an old acquaintance in the store, and I asked how her adult kids were.  She said one of them had gotten pregnant out of wedlock (no plans to marry - this was in the last century when you didn't do that on purpose).  Without really realizing what she'd said, I responded with a smile, "oh, that's good."  :/  She looked at me like, really???  Then I finally registered what she had told me.  In my defense, I was still a young adult and just really having a clueless moment.  :/

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that you're right--it was not something you should have said.

 

Better would have been to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry, that must have been very difficult."

 

But, since you were genuinely concerned and nice, you will probably still be friends!

[Tanaqui]

To be honest, I think it would have been much less polite to go "Oh" and then change the subject. People often don't know what to say when it comes to death, and occasionally you *want* to talk about your deceased whoever.

 

But if you're worried about this, the only thing to do is apologize next time you see them. Quick and get it over with, and try not to make it sound like it's all about you (which is tricky to do when it's not your intent). "Last time I saw you, I asked about your son, and afterwards I realized that you might not have wanted to talk about it. I want to apologize if I upset you or hurt your feelings."

[PeachyDoodle]

Honestly, I doubt it's as bad as you think.  I have known a few close friends who have lost children, and the thing they DON'T want is for people to forget, or for people to be disinterested in, the precious child they lost.  It might have been worse for you to brush off their loss and awkwardly change the conversation, kwim?

 

This. I know that this is exactly what my mother would say about the loss of my sister. In fact, I have heard her say it on more than one occasion.

 

There is a huge difference between expressing genuine, compassionate interest in the loved one and their loss, and the conversational equivalent of gawking. When my sister died, a "friend" of my parents' went on and on interrogating my mother with detailed questions about the night they learned about the accident. (Were you just SCREAMING??? :glare:) And this was less than 24 hours after her death. I could have strangled that woman.

 

[MeghansMom]

I have a dead child and I see nothing wrong with what you asked. I hate it when I mention it and people change the subject. People usually ask me what happened and I tell them and they tell me they are sorry and I appreciate it. My daughters are twins and they have/had VACTERLS Association. Emily's birth defects were too severe and she died shortly after birth. Meghan's were not as severe so even though she has had hospital stays and surgeries she is doing well. I had a few people even send me cards a couple years after Emily had past and I was grateful that they remembered. (When people ask how many children i have, it comes up.   I say six and they ask the agesand I say " 28, 26, 25, 24 and an almost 13 yo and they ask about the sixth one).

[happypamama]

I think it wasn't as bad as you think. As PPs said, you didn't brush off his child, and you showed interest and compassion. From listening to my SIL, who had a late stillbirth, it sounds like sometimes bereaved parents welcome a chance to share their child's story and to have people not pretend their child didn't exist.

 

And we have all said things that came across badly or at the wrong time. It happens.

[SparklyUnicorn]

People have asked me that when I mention my mother dying young.  It doesn't bother me. 

 

It's not the worst thing ever.  Either way you are human. 

[Guest]

It may not be the worst thing ever.

 

FWIW, I have lost a child; a baby, at birth, yet on *two separate ocassions* when another mom was revealing to me that she had lost a baby, I did not engage in the conversation. I can't really even explain it. You would think I would be filled with compassion for this mom sharing the common, terrible ground we have, but that's not how it went down in either case. Both times, I felt a moment of shock that this person had this in common with me, but both times, I said something totally detached like, "that's sad." And said nothing else. Both times it was awkward and miserable, and in both cases, I feel like bringing it back up to those moms, but it's so pointless now.

 

So, I guess I suffer from the opposite problem, because I think carefully before I speak and I'm not likely to blab out something foolish. However, my foolishness is in saying too little and leaving the other person suspended in air, waiting for words that don't come.

[bodiesmom]

Wow-

Thank you everyone, EVERYONE, for the hugs and sharing your stories. I hate to say it, but it has made "me" feel a little better, even though it is the poor mom who was posed this intrusive question. 😔

 

I think I will send them a card apologizing. Thank you for the suggestion.

 

I do hope we can start a friendship, but who knows after today. It's hard to start off on a good foot when it is shoved in your mouth....

 

Thank you to all of you- the hive rocks 😄

[mom2samlibby]

I don't see that you did anything wrong.  I think it was a natural follow up question after he brought up his son.

 

I wouldn't send a card.  I think that would make it seem more awkward.  

[fairy4tmama]

I don't see that you did anything wrong.  I think it was a natural follow up question after he brought up his son.

 

I wouldn't send a card.  I think that would make it seem more awkward.  

This ^^ I wouldn't send a card apologizing but if you really feel compelled to why not send a sympathy card.

[bodiesmom]

Okay, so no card. I can see how it could possibly make it more awkward. Gah! I hate it when I start overthinking things and well....I've definitely crossed over into that territory.

 

At the end of the conversation with her husband, I went over to her (she had to run after her toddler), said it was a pleasure meeting her, and that I was sorry for her loss.

 

I am so never living this one down.

[poppy]

It wasn't the right thing to do, but, really, a dead 4 year old is so horrifying. It's understandable and I'm sure it isn't the first time it happened. Your reaction was natural.  Anyone would wonder, really, since it's not right for a child to die.

 

I'd just be really warm towards them going forward vs doing the (natural) 'I'm embarrassed so I'll avoid you' thing, which seems like it would happen too often to people unfortunate enough to lose a child.

 

Hugs.  Everyone has has a cringe moment in life.  Don't let this define your new friendship!

Edited April 18, 2016 by poppy

[Mimm]

It may not be the worst thing ever.

 

FWIW, I have lost a child; a baby, at birth, yet on *two separate ocassions* when another mom was revealing to me that she had lost a baby, I did not engage in the conversation. I can't really even explain it. You would think I would be filled with compassion for this mom sharing the common, terrible ground we have, but that's not how it went down in either case. Both times, I felt a moment of shock that this person had this in common with me, but both times, I said something totally detached like, "that's sad." And said nothing else. Both times it was awkward and miserable, and in both cases, I feel like bringing it back up to those moms, but it's so pointless now.

 

So, I guess I suffer from the opposite problem, because I think carefully before I speak and I'm not likely to blab out something foolish. However, my foolishness is in saying too little and leaving the other person suspended in air, waiting for words that don't come.

 

This is me. I'm so afraid of being intrusive that I act disinterested when really I'd like to know more but I don't want to be nosy. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say but it's better than not expressing concern and interest.