Neighbor kids and iphones...WWYD?

[Meadowlark]

Well, our neighbor situation is getting more complicated. Our 3 oldest are boys, and there are a total of 3 other boys in our neighborhood, from 3 different families.  One family has a soon to be 11 year old (mine are 9, 7, 5) and he literally "plays" with no structure every day, knocking on our door constantly. He has 2 college aged siblings and to our knowledge, is alone a lot.

 

Then there's another family with a 15 yr. old and 8 yr. old. Here's the thing-mom lives in FL and dad works in FL for long periods of time. Supposedly, his "nanny" watches him. We've heard from another neighbor that she just checks in on them once a day. So basically he's alone too and him and the other boy wander around the neighborhood.

 

So, the 2 are constantly knocking on our door-at dark, Sunday mornings, holidays, etc. That was bad enough. Now, they both got phones. So now they're up at our house and looking at their phones. I have no idea what they're doing, but I think at least one has Internet.

 

We try our best to keep them up here at our house. Just now, my dh went out and explained that if they're at our house, they must leave their phones at home OR put them in their pockets, as we do NOT allow our children on the Internet unsupervised.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is...what do I do when my kids want to play down in their cul de sac? The 3rd boy also lives down there and I have no worries about him. But I will have no idea if my kids are down there and the other boys are doing who know's what on their phones. Yes, we've talked to our boys about the "no phone rule" but I can't say that I'd trust them to turn around and come home when they get their phones out. My oldest is extremely extroverted and has a real need for friendship at this age. He literally waits at the bus stop for these boys. But I'm scared as the one goes to middle school and the other is basically being raised by his brother, what I should do, especially this summer.

 

What would you do?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would allow them at your house when you are available.  But I would also be more proactive about getting your kids in social activities so that they aren't just dependent on these kids for all their social needs. 

[Tess in the Burbs]

I taught my girl to ask her friends to do something else and if they didn't , walk away. She hates it when they choose the phone over her :(

[ThisIsTheDay]

I would be scaling back on the time that my young children were hanging out with an 11 and 15 year old.  Your kids really are too young to understand the implications of what is out there on the internet, and they really don't have any business with these older kids as friends.  (Not to mention why an 11 and 15 year old would want to hang out with a 9, 7, and 5 year old.)  Your kids are too little to have that responsibility to walk away when phones come out--particularly because you know that the phones WILL be out.

 

It seems that you want to be an open home and extend kindness to the older kids who are left on their own for much of the time.  But your first goal is to protect your own kids, and what may be acceptable for the older kids to see/do on the internet is not going to be what's okay for younger elementary aged kids--no matter what the situation.

[Guest]

I would be scaling back on the time that my young children were hanging out with an 11 and 15 year old. Your kids really are too young to understand the implications of what is out there on the internet, and they really don't have any business with these older kids as friends. (Not to mention why an 11 and 15 year old would want to hang out with a 9, 7, and 5 year old.) Your kids are too little to have that responsibility to walk away when phones come out--particularly because you know that the phones WILL be out.

 

It seems that you want to be an open home and extend kindness to the older kids who are left on their own for much of the time. But your first goal is to protect your own kids, and what may be acceptable for the older kids to see/do on the internet is not going to be what's okay for younger elementary aged kids--no matter what the situation.

The ages are 10, 9, 8 and 7...and then a little one.

 

But i agree with this. Be kind, but dont volunteer yourself as free babysitter/second mom. Stay on top of your own kids and dont think they can, or will, navigate this on their own. I mean they probably will, but EVENTUALLY the other kids will get under their skin ykwim.

[NorthwestMom]

Then there's another family with a 15 yr. old and 8 yr. old. Here's the thing-mom lives in FL and dad works in FL for long periods of time. Supposedly, his "nanny" watches him. We've heard from another neighbor that she just checks in on them once a day. So basically he's alone too and him and the other boy wander around the neighborhood.

 

 

It sounds like they are alone overnight for days at a time?

 

This will be unpopular here, but I would make a secret and anonymous call to CPS, report my suspicions, and hope they investigate and find me wrong. If true, that is neglect. :(

 

[MistyMountain]

My kids are in that age range. I let them play at neighbors houses where I know and trust the parents and the house next door where I can hear and see them but do not trust the parents as well. There is a house farther down where kids do not get supervised well and they have a trampoline and I do not let them play there. If neighbor kids are over my house and not playing nice or following rules they get sent home. I do not like much younger kids coming over but sometimes they do. Some of the kids have such bad habits that lately I been thinking of seriously limiting their exposure to them.

 

It really would concern me that an 8 and 15 year old are left alone for so long and I generally do not really do much if parents allow things at younger ages then I do. Is it the 15 year old that comes over or the 8 year old?

Edited April 11, 2016 by MistyMountain

[Tanaqui]

I would make a call to child services regarding the 8 and 15 year old. A 15 year old might be okay with once a day check-ins (ehhhhh) but not the younger one, not even in the care of his older brother. It's possible the parents don't realize what the situation is, either - but really, if both parents are in Florida, the kids should be there too.

[Meadowlark]

I would be scaling back on the time that my young children were hanging out with an 11 and 15 year old.  Your kids really are too young to understand the implications of what is out there on the internet, and they really don't have any business with these older kids as friends.  (Not to mention why an 11 and 15 year old would want to hang out with a 9, 7, and 5 year old.)  Your kids are too little to have that responsibility to walk away when phones come out--particularly because you know that the phones WILL be out.

 

It seems that you want to be an open home and extend kindness to the older kids who are left on their own for much of the time.  But your first goal is to protect your own kids, and what may be acceptable for the older kids to see/do on the internet is not going to be what's okay for younger elementary aged kids--no matter what the situation.

Yes, I agree. I definitely am aiming to protect my own kids at this point and no, the Internet is NOT okay with me no matter what they're looking at. I know that a bunch of pre-adolescent boys unsupervised WILL be looking at something I'm not okay with, and probably even worse than I think. Not okay.

 

I am doing my best to scale back the time. That's the problem. These kids are always knocking on my door and my kids literally BEG me to play with them. Since they are really the only kids in the neighborhood, they love running around with them. I get that (remember-extreme extrovert is my oldest) and I hate to squash the friends they do have. Mostly, I think they're pretty decent kids. But all of a sudden, neither seem to be supervised and then the phone thing just popped up. The one is 2 grade levels ahead of my oldest and all of a sudden it seems like a huge gap, whereas it didn't so much a few years ago. I know once he enters middle school, it will seems even bigger.

 

Believe me, I've signed my kids up for a whole lot of things this summer because all I can imagine is these 2 boys constantly ringing our doorbell. My 7 year old came home yesterday holding up his middle finger and asking what it meant. He said "Todd" told him it was bad but wouldn't tell him what it meant (thank goodness for that anyway)  So great, now my kid knows that if he holds up his middle finger, it's a bad thing. Sigh. That's not the first thing they've picked up from these kids either. I know I can't shelter them from everything, but this is tricky because these are kids that my boys really want to be friends with. We do know the one kids parents and generally get along with them really good, AND They're really good to my boys. They've invited them for dinner, smores, swim in their pool, etc. It's just that they also have college aged kids and there just seems to be no structure. In fact, we wonder when he eats because he just plays everyday outside from 4-8 and no one ever calls him in for dinner! It's weird. 

 

So anyway, thanks for the thoughts. It's just a tricky situation.

[Meadowlark]

I would make a call to child services regarding the 8 and 15 year old. A 15 year old might be okay with once a day check-ins (ehhhhh) but not the younger one, not even in the care of his older brother. It's possible the parents don't realize what the situation is, either - but really, if both parents are in Florida, the kids should be there too.

 Yes, we are considering what to do with this. Another neighbor down in the cul de sac has notified the principal at the school of the situation. I'm not sure what if anything, she'll do. Does anyone know if you can make an anonymous call? I thought you were required to state your name but I'm not sure where I got that. I really don't know anything except that the mom lives in FL full-time and the dad has been there for weeks now. Poor kid. He's only 8 and pretty much has to take care of himself.

[Tsuga]

 

 

Then there's another family with a 15 yr. old and 8 yr. old. Here's the thing-mom lives in FL and dad works in FL for long periods of time. Supposedly, his "nanny" watches him.

 

I don't know if I would call CPS if I didn't fully understand what their arrangement was, but I find this shocking. They work in another state? And the kids are there with no caregiver at all? If that is truly the case then I would consider it... what an odd situation.

[MistyMountain]

I feel you. A few neighbor kids expose my kids to things they would never think themselves and very bad habits. They recently wrote a curse word my kids would never dare say and do not even know in my drive way and there has been lots more like that. I want to do school stuff with my kids this summer and I know these kids will be outside all summer knocking at the door and my kids will want to play. I have had lots of talks about what I hear but lately I been feeling like it is not worth it.

[heartlikealion]

"put phone in pocket" wouldn't be an option. It would stay home or go to a designated area in my house til they leave or whatever reasonable agreement is reached (ie. only for emergencies). Have you and the other parents exchanged info? It sounds like you haven't met them or rarely see them because they are MIA out of state or whatever. I would want to touch base with the parents and have contact info. There would be no reason for the cell phones probably if you had the contact info handy.

 

Really the age gaps would bother me and I'd be looking for friendships with kids closer to my children's ages and parents that are able to be more involved so I didn't feel fully responsible.

[MistyMountain]

 

I have had lots of talks about what I hear but lately I been feeling like it is not worth it.

I mean having them play with the kids that constantly bring up issues because of meanness and destruction of property that otherwise would not be occurring. I will talk to my kids about treating others nice and when I hear meaness but they are getting exposed to language and behavior that would not have even occurred to them otherwise.

[Night Elf]

As for when these kids are at your house, I too think it's reasonable for them to give you their phones. You can put them on the kitchen counter where if it rings, you'll hear it. I would wonder if it's their parents trying to get in touch with them. Then if they need to use the phone, sit at the counter. Don't carry it around the house. I'd also pump the 15 year old about the caregiver situation. Ask him who takes care of the 8 year old. What are the caregiver's responsibilities? How often is she there and how long does she stay? Do they have the ability to contact their parents anytime they need them. Who do they call if they have an emergency? Who do they call if they just need something, like if they want pizza for dinner one night? I don't like the sound of someone coming in once a day for a short visit, but calling CPS can put these kids in foster homes while the parents are investigated, right? I don't know what's best for the kids. I would have no problem with a 15 year old watching an 8 year old overnight occasionally, but every night seems excessive. My state doesn't have laws about the ages of kids left alone, but there are guidelines. It does say age 15 can be left overnight, but it doesn't say anything about watching a younger sibling at the same time.

[Amy in NH]

I mean having them play with the kids that constantly bring up issues because of meanness and destruction of property that otherwise would not be occurring. I will talk to my kids about treating others nice and when I hear meaness but they are getting exposed to language and behavior that would not have even occurred to them otherwise.

That type of neighborhood living is what prompted us to move to a place with no neighbors... better control over exposure.

[heartlikealion]

As for when these kids are at your house, I too think it's reasonable for them to give you their phones. You can put them on the kitchen counter where if it rings, you'll hear it. I would wonder if it's their parents trying to get in touch with them. Then if they need to use the phone, sit at the counter. Don't carry it around the house. I'd also pump the 15 year old about the caregiver situation. Ask him who takes care of the 8 year old. What are the caregiver's responsibilities? How often is she there and how long does she stay? Do they have the ability to contact their parents anytime they need them. Who do they call if they have an emergency? Who do they call if they just need something, like if they want pizza for dinner one night? I don't like the sound of someone coming in once a day for a short visit, but calling CPS can put these kids in foster homes while the parents are investigated, right? I don't know what's best for the kids. I would have no problem with a 15 year old watching an 8 year old overnight occasionally, but every night seems excessive. My state doesn't have laws about the ages of kids left alone, but there are guidelines. It does say age 15 can be left overnight, but it doesn't say anything about watching a younger sibling at the same time.

 

Yes. Yes. Yes. Get some answers. If someone is going to spend a lot of time with my family I feel like it's in everyone's best interest to be on the same page. What if there's an emergency? That is not the time I want to be finding out where the parents are and whether or not I have a way to reach them. It sounds like a lot of hearsay and no direct contact with the family. I don't think I could call CPS without concrete information, either. Do you know what they are doing about meals and such? I'd be tempted to invite them over for dinner and maybe during the meal find out a little.

[Dmmetler]

What I have done is to pull an older kid aside and request, in a "responsible adult to another responsible adult" way that "Help me keep the little ones safe online". Basically, appeal to them to see your DC not as peers, but as younger kids who need protection from the ugly side of the world. DD's cheer coach has done the same thing with regards to cell phones-pointing out that even though the teen girls can handle it, the 10-11 yr olds who are on the same team may not be ready yet, so it's up to the teens to protect them.

[Haiku]

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking, because there seems to be a lot going on in your post.

 

My understanding is that you want to know how you can ensure that these other kids aren't using their phones around your children. My response to that is that you can't. The world is full of people using phones, and they will use them around your children, and they may even show your kids something on their phones. If this is intolerable to you, you will have to keep your children under your direct supervision. 

 

I think it's fine to tell kids who visit your house to put their phones away, but you can't control what they do with them when they are not at your house, and, frankly, you are putting your kids in a no-win situation if you tell them they have to leave a social situation every time someone uses their phone.

 

So I guess my advice is just to keep your kids at home.

[Spryte]

What I have done is to pull an older kid aside and request, in a "responsible adult to another responsible adult" way that "Help me keep the little ones safe online". Basically, appeal to them to see your DC not as peers, but as younger kids who need protection from the ugly side of the world. DD's cheer coach has done the same thing with regards to cell phones-pointing out that even though the teen girls can handle it, the 10-11 yr olds who are on the same team may not be ready yet, so it's up to the teens to protect them.

I've done this, too, and the results have been excellent. It's made one particular kid feel so good, and I've watched him blossom into a responsible, kind kid - the person he already was, inside. I don't know how he acts at other houses, but here - he's a great guy.

[Farrar]

The ages and some of the other details are concerning here, I totally agree.

 

However, it's getting pretty common for kids 9 or 10 and up to have smartphones and the OP's oldest is in that range. I personally feel like I can't watch my boys all the time and would rather arm them with the ability to say no, to walk away, and to know why what's out there on the unsupervised internet is dangerous to them. Basically, this situation may be one you want to try to control, but very soon there will be one you can't. I'd be laying the groundwork for all that and just keeping it up constantly.

 

I second what Jean said about finding other social outlets or activities so that this neighborhood scene isn't their only or primary social interactions. It's so much easier to breathe easy when your kids are with kids whose parents more or less share your values.

[Meadowlark]

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking, because there seems to be a lot going on in your post.

 

My understanding is that you want to know how you can ensure that these other kids aren't using their phones around your children. My response to that is that you can't. The world is full of people using phones, and they will use them around your children, and they may even show your kids something on their phones. If this is intolerable to you, you will have to keep your children under your direct supervision. 

 

I think it's fine to tell kids who visit your house to put their phones away, but you can't control what they do with them when they are not at your house, and, frankly, you are putting your kids in a no-win situation if you tell them they have to leave a social situation every time someone uses their phone.

 

So I guess my advice is just to keep your kids at home.

Obviously I can't  ensure that other kids aren't using their phones around my kids, unless it's at my house or I'm with them. I get that.

 

So at the ages of 7 and 9, when an older neighbor gets his phone out and is surfing the Internet (at his house-down in the cul de sac)  you are saying I shouldn't ask them to leave that social situation? What then, would you see fit? What should I tell my kids to do? To just say to keep my kids at home is a bit condescending. I'm looking for a real world solution here. 

[kirstenhill]

Obviously I can't  ensure that other kids aren't using their phones around my kids, unless it's at my house or I'm with them. I get that.

 

So at the ages of 7 and 9, when an older neighbor gets his phone out and is surfing the Internet (at his house-down in the cul de sac)  you are saying I shouldn't ask them to leave that social situation? What then, would you see fit? What should I tell my kids to do? To just say to keep my kids at home is a bit condescending. I'm looking for a real world solution here. 

 

Could you tell your kids not to look at what the other kids are looking at on the phone? Or if the other kid is being "pushy" about wanting to show them something, tell them to walk away at that point?   They could explain they aren't allowed to look at things on the internet without their parents, and just not look (and maybe ask other kids not to show them things).  In my mind, if older kids are looking at something on the internet on their phones (or, more likely, are texting, snap chatting, etc)...I can't imagine they really want younger kids watching or reading over their shoulder most of the time anyway. 

 

Imagine it was a kid listening to music.  Maybe you don't want your kids listening to music with explicit lyrics.  If the other kid is listening to music with headphones, no harm/no foul.  If they put the music on speaker, then your kids could ask them to turn it off.  Your kids only have to leave if the other kid refuses to turn it off or put the headphones back on. 

 

If kids are consistently trying to be pushy about showing your kids things they don't want to see or aren't allowed to see, then those kids probably aren't good company for your kids to keep anyway.   True friends/good friends would honor the rules that their friend's parents set. 

Edited April 11, 2016 by kirstenhill

[Haiku]

So at the ages of 7 and 9, when an older neighbor gets his phone out and is surfing the Internet (at his house-down in the cul de sac)  you are saying I shouldn't ask them to leave that social situation? What then, would you see fit? What should I tell my kids to do? To just say to keep my kids at home is a bit condescending. I'm looking for a real world solution here. 

 

I'm sorry you found my answer condescending. I didn't mean for it to be. I was completely serious. If you don't want your kids to be around others who are using their phones, you can only control that by keeping them at home.

 

Yes, I think that at 7 and 9, telling them they can't be around kids who are using their phones and telling them the have to leave is not something you should do. It's not fair to your kids to make them lose out on social time because some other kids are using phones. They will encounter this more and more as they get older, and basically you will be excluding them from most social situations. In our circle, kids start getting phones around 9/10 years old. Although you may not like this (and I will say that I didn't allow my kids to get phones until they were nearly 13 and 14, and my oldest didn't get one until she was almost 16), it is the reality, and you can either, imo, accept this or keep your kids away from it. I have come to the conclusion, having raised three kids into their teen years (one of whom is now in her 20s) that making rules against things that are common and generally not harmful is counterproductive. And believe me when I say it took some hard knocks for me to understand this. I definitely made mistakes. Yes, I realize that a kid could potentially show your kid something harmful on the internet via their phone, but ... well, we can't control all possibilities and sometimes we have to accept that life comes with risks. Do you think that the possibility that one of these kids will show your child something you are opposed to them seeing is great enough that you need a "leave if there are cell phones" rule?

 

In addition, since you can't actually enforce the "leave if there are cell phones" rule, you really are setting them up to disobey. I have learned in my years of parenting that if I can't enforce the rule, it's generally not good to have it. (Of course there are some obvious exceptions, like "don't drink or do drugs," but with something as ubiquitous as cell phones, it will be an extremely hard rule to enforce.)

 

If you really are set on them not being around kids using cell phones, I do think your only option is to keep them at home. I'm sorry if you think this is unrealistic or not a good answer.

[zoobie]

I don't think you can do more than ask them to put away their devices in your house. I wouldn't confiscate another child's device in my home. You can ask the child to leave if he doesn't comply with your rules, but you cannot confiscate his property. 

 

Why does the 15 year old want to play with your much younger children? Or is he there supervising his brother?

 

If you really think the children are completely home alone night and day, you need to call someone. The phone is really so not the biggest problem here.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Obviously I can't  ensure that other kids aren't using their phones around my kids, unless it's at my house or I'm with them. I get that.

 

So at the ages of 7 and 9, when an older neighbor gets his phone out and is surfing the Internet (at his house-down in the cul de sac)  you are saying I shouldn't ask them to leave that social situation? What then, would you see fit? What should I tell my kids to do? To just say to keep my kids at home is a bit condescending. I'm looking for a real world solution here. 

 

Your children have no business hanging out at the house of a 15 year old as if they were friends.  They are not, no matter what you think. 

 

Your real world solution is to not allow your children to be unsupervised with this teenager.  And they shouldn't be, whether or not he has a phone, unless he is a paid babysitter or older sibling.

 

Your real world consequence is that your children will likely see stuff you don't want them to.

 

By allowing your children to hang out at the house of this boy whose parents are not in the picture, and on whom you are considering calling CPS, and then expect your kids to be able to walk away when a phone is brought out--when you already know it will!!-- is to put on your children a bigger responsibility than you are willing to take on yourself.  You are the one who will protect your kids.  At 9, 7, and 5, they are not capable of this. You are playing with fire, and your children will get burned.

 

These are your options.  I do not understand why you are waffling on this.

[Haiku]

I confined my comments to the cell phone question, as that is what the OP seemed to be asking about, but I completely agree with ThisIsTheDay. I do not think that 9 and 7 year olds should be hanging out with a 15 year old who is completely devoid of parental supervision.

[Meadowlark]

Your children have no business hanging out at the house of a 15 year old as if they were friends.  They are not, no matter what you think. 

 

Your real world solution is to not allow your children to be unsupervised with this teenager.  And they shouldn't be, whether or not he has a phone, unless he is a paid babysitter or older sibling.

 

Your real world consequence is that your children will likely see stuff you don't want them to.

 

By allowing your children to hang out at the house of this boy whose parents are not in the picture, and on whom you are considering calling CPS, and then expect your kids to be able to walk away when a phone is brought out--when you already know it will!!-- is to put on your children a bigger responsibility than you are willing to take on yourself.  You are the one who will protect your kids.  At 9, 7, and 5, they are not capable of this. You are playing with fire, and your children will get burned.

 

These are your options.  I do not understand why you are waffling on this.

1. I'm not considering calling CPS.

2. I'm not referring to the 15 year old. Sorry if that was unclear. The kids with the phones are the almost 11 and 8 year olds. I've never even seen the 15 year old and my kids have a handful of times. He doesn't "hang out" with the younger kids.

3. I would never allow my kids to be unsupervised by a 15 year old. Never.

4. The "fire" you're referring to is what...letting my kids play down in the cul de sac?

Edited April 11, 2016 by Meadowlark

[Lady Florida.]

 Yes, we are considering what to do with this. Another neighbor down in the cul de sac has notified the principal at the school of the situation. I'm not sure what if anything, she'll do. Does anyone know if you can make an anonymous call? I thought you were required to state your name but I'm not sure where I got that. I really don't know anything except that the mom lives in FL full-time and the dad has been there for weeks now. Poor kid. He's only 8 and pretty much has to take care of himself.

 

The principal is a mandated reporter. At this point it's just hearsay to the principal, but most likely she'll at the very least talk to the 15 yo. If the 15 yo confirms that they are left alone overnight for multiple nights, and if that's illegal in your state, the principal will have no choice but to report it. Depending on the situation, she might try to contact the parents, but really a mandated reporter must report.

 

Yes. Yes. Yes. Get some answers. If someone is going to spend a lot of time with my family I feel like it's in everyone's best interest to be on the same page. What if there's an emergency? That is not the time I want to be finding out where the parents are and whether or not I have a way to reach them. It sounds like a lot of hearsay and no direct contact with the family. I don't think I could call CPS without concrete information, either. Do you know what they are doing about meals and such? I'd be tempted to invite them over for dinner and maybe during the meal find out a little.

 

:iagree:  You (OP) actually have more freedom than the principal, to look into things and find out the real story. I'd try to do that if I could.

 

I know the post is really about the cell phone, but a 15 yo being the main caregiver for an 8 yo really bothers me. Many 15 year olds are mature enough to stay alone but few have the maturity to be a parent to an 8 year old, and that's essentially what it sounds like this 15 yo is expected to be. The teenage brain is not developed, and the possibility for even innocent mistakes is too great to ignore this part of the situation.

Edited April 11, 2016 by Lady Florida

[Paige]

Yes, I agree. I definitely am aiming to protect my own kids at this point and no, the Internet is NOT okay with me no matter what they're looking at. I know that a bunch of pre-adolescent boys unsupervised WILL be looking at something I'm not okay with, and probably even worse than I think. Not okay.

 

 

 

Why would you assume that all 8-11 yr old boys will definitely be doing something you aren't ok with? They are just kids. Some will be looking at inappropriate stuff and some won't. Some will encourage it and some would be really offended. Would you say the same if it was 8-11yr old girls? 

 

I think the best we can do is try to raise our kids with the values we want them to have and trust them to make good decisions. You could role play how they could respond in uncomfortable situations and give them words to use. You could spend time going over why you don't want them doing or seeing xyz so they hopefully internalize the message for themselves. If you let them go away from the house with the boys, you can't control what's going on. 

[Meadowlark]

Why would you assume that all 8-11 yr old boys will definitely be doing something you aren't ok with? They are just kids. Some will be looking at inappropriate stuff and some won't. Some will encourage it and some would be really offended. Would you say the same if it was 8-11yr old girls? 

 

I think the best we can do is try to raise our kids with the values we want them to have and trust them to make good decisions. You could role play how they could respond in uncomfortable situations and give them words to use. You could spend time going over why you don't want them doing or seeing xyz so they hopefully internalize the message for themselves. If you let them go away from the house with the boys, you can't control what's going on. 

 

Yes, I would feel the same if it was girls. It's the Internet. My problem isn't so much what they *could* be exposed to, but rather being outside in the fresh air with their heads down staring at the screen. I think it's ridiculous for 7-11 year olds to be sitting in the front yard all staring at the screen (which is what I looked out the window to find yesterday). But that's just me. I realize other people might not have a problem with that.

 

And yes, I have role played and had this discussion with them. I realize that that's the best I can do.

[Haiku]

I realize that that's the best I can do.

 

It really is. You can talk to your kids about your values and tell them why you don't want them to do certain things, but in the end it comes down to their own choices. My kids have chosen to do things that I was unhappy with, and when we've discussed it, it has really come down to this: they did it because they wanted to. Even though they knew I wouldn't approve, something about the activity or choice was appealing enough to them that my disapproval was not enough of a deterrent. This will happen with all kids at some point, and it's one of those risks I was referring to in an earlier post. When you let your kids navigate the world outside your direct supervision, you are no longer controlling what they experience and have access to.

 

Kids with cell phones are here to stay. I definitely understand wanting to minimize the amount of time your kids spend with them, but I also think you need to learn, to some to degree, to live with them in your kids' lives. They aren't going away.

[MEmama]

I'm in a bit of a daze right now so maybe I missed it, but if you don't approve of these unsupervised kids hanging around, you can tell them to go away or severely limit your kids' availability. I've done it, and even though it wasn't pretty it was effective (in our case it was DS who did not like the kid, so a bit different).

 

How about getting your kids involved in activities away from the house? I'd think with 3 kids it wouldn't take many activities to ensure you aren't home much. Most kids will get the hint and stop coming around if you are rarely available.

[ThisIsTheDay]

.

 

1. I'm not considering calling CPS.

 

In post #10, replying directly to a suggestion to call CPS you said, "Yes, we are considering what to do with this. Another neighbor down in the cul de sac has notified the principal at the school of the situation. I'm not sure what if anything, she'll do. Does anyone know if you can make an anonymous call? I thought you were required to state your name but I'm not sure where I got that."

Perhaps you were referring to the neighbor making the anonymous call, but it seemed that you were considering what to do with this.

 

 

2. I'm not referring to the 15 year old. Sorry if that was unclear. The kids with the phones are the almost 11 and 8 year olds. I've never even seen the 15 year old and my kids have a handful of times. He doesn't "hang out" with the younger kids.

I apologize, during this whole thread, I thought you were including the 15 yo. It was not clear from your original and most of the subsequent posts that it was only the other two boys.

 

3. I would never allow my kids to be unsupervised by a 15 year old. Never.

Good, because that was truly concerning!  And I honestly do apologize.  My reply was sharp, as I was baffled by the inclusion of the 15 yo.

 

4. The "fire" you're referring to is what...letting my kids play down in the cul de sac?

Actually, it was referring to the 15 year old, but let's look at this.  These are your words.

--But I will have no idea if my kids are down there and the other boys are doing who know's what on their phones.

--I can't say that I'd trust them to turn around and come home when they get their phones out.

--But I'm scared as the one goes to middle school and the other is basically being raised by his brother,

--Internet is NOT okay with me no matter what they're looking at. I know that a bunch of pre-adolescent boys unsupervised WILL be looking at something I'm not okay with, and probably even worse than I think. Not okay.

 --But all of a sudden, neither seem to be supervised   (Really, is it all of a sudden, or are you just seeing the bigger picture?)

 --So great, now my kid knows that if he holds up his middle finger, it's a bad thing. Sigh. That's not the first thing they've picked up from these kids either.

--Obviously I can't  ensure that other kids aren't using their phones around my kids, unless it's at my house or I'm with them.

 

My real world solution would be to protect my kids.  They are at an age where a parent still has a lot of control over them.  That means time spent with other children can be minimized. I would be selective about his friendships. You said you generally like these boys, and you have a lot of leeway with what to do.  Because of the general lack of supervision, can you encourage the boys to play at your house only, letting them go to the other boy's house when his parents ARE there?  (Without reading back, I remember you said something about the parents treating your boys nicely.)  Can you just flat out say to all of the boys,"Hey, I want my kids in a place where I can keep an eye on them"? 

 

You can encourage them by continuing to be welcoming, perhaps limiting the times, or times of day, or days of the week, when your boys are available over the summer.  We had a neighbor who would put out a green flag when neighborhood kids could visit (and swim) and a red flag when they couldn't.  Maybe you could work out something similar.  Feed them snacks (always an encouragement for the kids to be there).

 

Again, I encourage you to not let your boys go off to the other house(s?) where you KNOW the phones will come out. Let them practice at home, "Hey, my mom said your phone needs to stay on the counter." (Or whatever you decide.)

 

I retract my "playing with fire" comment, since it doesn't involve the 15 year old. But if you let your boys go off now, with the expectation that they will leave when the phones come out, won't you be setting them up for failure?

 

--I can't say that I'd trust them to turn around and come home when they get their phones out.

 

This can be a great teaching opportunity for your boys to learn to navigate peer behavior and prepare them to manage peer pressure down the road. Let them do this with you nearby, where they can work to build up your trust. 

 

It really is a wonderful thing you are doing by letting those boys hang out at your house, and it sounds as if all of the boys enjoy each other.  You just have to figure out the flip side of it to protect your kids.