Addiction - Where do we go from here? UPDATE/ UPDATE in #22

[Mabelen]

I agree with the posters who have had first hand experience. I grew up in a big city neighborhood with a known drug problem. My next door neighbor's son was a drug addict. He lied, stole, brought hell to the family and younger siblings, ended up in jail. My brother in law got addicted to cocaine. He lied and stole from my sister and nephew and his own elderly parents. You must protect your family.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

 

my first thought is to protect your other children. they will be watching exactly how you react and it may either encourage or discourage them from following a similar path.

[lewber]

:grouphug: I am so sorry you are dealing with this. 

[idnib]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

 

my first thought is to protect your other children. they will be watching exactly how you react and it may either encourage or discourage them from following a similar path.

 

or - it may either encourage or discourage them from *respecting* YOU.  even if they never do drugs/go down similar paths, they could end up not caring about your opinion.

 

I loved my mother, but I could never respect her as my mother afterwards.... . her not protecting me, as a minor teen, adversely affected our relationship for the rest of her life. 

[plansrme]

I agree with everyone else but want to suggest that, if his car is in your or your husband's name, that you either take it back or sign it over to your son. Also, if he is on your insurance, make him get another policy. Google "negligent entrustmemt" some time. It is the way parents get sued for their non-minor child's damage to someone else's car or person: your negligence was in handing over your car ("yours" because your name is on the title) to someone you know to be an accident risk. If you let him drive your car, and he drunkenly kills someone, you may be in a world of financial hurt.

[Barb_]

I'm so sorry for your family.

 

In addition to everything that has been mentioned, I would replace his door with a curtain on a rod. This is what helped us protect our daughter last year when she was harming herself. It isn't foolproof, but it helped us to keep an eye on things.

[EMS83]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  I absolutely agree not to enable this in any way.  But I also want to make a few unpopular suggestions/observations.  There is a huge difference between addict and recreational user.  Treating one like the other will add to the problem, not solve it.  Second, if he says he feels unloved, that's a true statement, don't sweep it aside.  How he feels may not be based in reality, but how he feels is real to him.  

 

I'd be especially cautious with the car.  Pulling him out of school might not be the best idea.  But cut off extra funding, at least.  If he starts stealing to feed his habit, then you'll now you've got a serious problem as opposed to a rebellious teen.  There's just different classes of drug users, especially at that age.  That's not popular to say, but it's true.

[Anne in CA]

I agree with everything others suggested locking up, but I am adding, if you can afford it get a high quality gun safe, if you cannot get a smaller one, but ordinary locks are not going to stop anyone who feels they must get high NOW. I had a roommate rob me blind when I thought I had things securely locked after another incident. She simply smashed the cupboard door in. A real safe for passports and jewelry is not extreme, it is the world you now live it.

 

I also agree with everyone who said no way are his friends giving him Adderall and Xanax. Those are WAY too expensive to give away. He is buying them somehow. Probably he is running "muling' to pay for them, or maybe he makes enough at a part time job, or if he has a part time job he may be stealing from an employer. But he is not getting them for free. No one is that charming.

[jelbe5]

Wanted to chime in, if you have guns, get them out of the house ASAP. They can be sold for quick cash or used in a crime or against you. If they are stolen/sold and then used in a crime you could be held responsible. Your son is ill and unpredictable. Don't take any chances here.

Edited February 16, 2016 by jelbe5

[Pen]

I agree with everyone else but want to suggest that, if his car is in your or your husband's name, that you either take it back or sign it over to your son. Also, if he is on your insurance, make him get another policy. Google "negligent entrustmemt" some time. It is the way parents get sued for their non-minor child's damage to someone else's car or person: your negligence was in handing over your car ("yours" because your name is on the title) to someone you know to be an accident risk. If you let him drive your car, and he drunkenly kills someone, you may be in a world of financial hurt.

 

 

 

 

Additionally, property that has illegal drugs found on it can be seized in some circumstances. And if he planted something on another member of the family to protect himself, or even if law enforcement thought someone else had whatever it might be, that could cause problems.

 

And drug addicts sometimes do things that injure people or things even aside from driving--like start fires in their own beds if they pass out with a smoke.

 

It seems like a potential huge legal bag of worms for the whole family in addition to the emotional and other aspects of what is happening.

 

And whether signing a car over after he was already known to have a drug problem would get parents out of legal liability, I don't know. It sounds like such a deliberate ploy to get around liability that there might still be liability.

[Pen]

I wanted to add that I am really sorry that your family is going through this. It sounds awful.

[purplejackmama]

I'm so sorry you are walking through this. I have no suggestions but wanted you to know I cared.

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  I absolutely agree not to enable this in any way.  But I also want to make a few unpopular suggestions/observations.  There is a huge difference between addict and recreational user.  Treating one like the other will add to the problem, not solve it.  Second, if he says he feels unloved, that's a true statement, don't sweep it aside.  How he feels may not be based in reality, but how he feels is real to him.  

 

I'd be especially cautious with the car.  Pulling him out of school might not be the best idea.  But cut off extra funding, at least.  If he starts stealing to feed his habit, then you'll now you've got a serious problem as opposed to a rebellious teen.  There's just different classes of drug users, especially at that age.  That's not popular to say, but it's true.

 

Yes--however, from the description given by the teen, it's gone way beyond recreational use, and even recreational use can be a huge problem. Our counselors told us they pretty much double the amt of use as reported by the teen when in intake. Very, very few spell out everything they have been doing in those early conversations. The level he's already divulged is pretty high already.

 

[EndOfOrdinary]

After working with at risk youth and having friends recently go through high stakes colleges, yes, people give away Xanax and Aderall. Only for a time though. It is often used as a way to slowly win confidence and then is used as a token to get the individual to do something they want. It often does not take money (or much money). Kids (and I include older teens like your son) are stupid! They have so little life experience that their ignorance causes them to do really dumb things. Combine that wonderful person giving them drugs who seems like their friend with mean, terrible parents who are ruining a very good thing, and you have a great recipe for your son to do some very destructive/damaging/dangerous things.

 

I would most definitely tell him that living in your house or recieving any sort of assistance means he has to be in a fulltime treatment center, and then on complete lockdown at home when he is out.

[mamiof5]

So sorry!!!! Many prayers for you and your family!!!

[Liz CA]

I recommend the book "Tough Love." I believe the author is Dr. J. Dobson.

 

You have received good advice. It will be incredibly hard to draw a boundary but you may save his life in doing so.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Just read this timely article and I agree with it. Medications can be very useful for addictions:

 

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/02/16/medicines-to-keep-addiction-away/?ref=opinion

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

 

You might consider attending Al-anon for yourself and possibly family.  He might find help through AA himself if he is willing to attend a meeting.

Edited February 16, 2016 by Tammyla

[lauranc]

First, thank you all for your comments, suggestions and kind words.

 

I was hopeful for a calm, rational discussion with s contrite young man but instead we got indifference/belligerence 'Everything is fine. It was blown out of proportion. I'm fine.'

 

A few questions on where we go from here, short term....

 

1. He is enrolled at a local cc - do we let him continue?

My suggestion is to let him know that you love him unconditionally, but will  not financially support him unconditionally. 

 

If you're going to let him live in your house and pay for him to go to school, then you may need to write up some kind of 'contract' laying out your conditions for continuing to do so.  I would focus on things like: going to class, not failing classes, letting you know if he's going to be late, if he's not coming home, letting you know where he'll be in case of an emergency.  Not to 'police' him, but so you can have a doable living situation for all parties.

 

2. Do we allow him to drive - he has his own car, paid for by himself. Fyi - he has never come home high or drunk. He has always stayed out past his agreed upon return time instead, often coming home in the mornng.

 

He's 18 yrs old, he paid for his own car, has a driver's license etc.    What are the alternatives?  Would you have to drive him everywhere? Is there public transportation in your area? 

3. What do we tell our 16 and 14 year old? Both go to public high schools and know about drinking and drugs, and I think they have suspected him of doing pot.

 

Tell them that their brother is struggling.  That it may be awhile before he brings himself out of whatever it is he's going through.  That we all struggle sometimes, and that it's OK to love him and also be annoyed with him or even scared.  I wouldn't keep this from them at their ages. I think it's OK-- and in some ways the best thing to do to -- to be up front with them.  They will suspect something anyway.  Might as well tell them that brother is struggling with addiction, that he's been to the hospital, that you're concerned and that even though you're worried about him, you are still going to be there for the younger two as well.  I'd warn them that it is going to be difficult days ahead, but that you're going to be there to help them get through it.

 

Have you seen this?  http://motivationandchange.com/online-and-in-print-resources/

 

 

 

[Joanne]

Yes--however, from the description given by the teen, it's gone way beyond recreational use, and even recreational use can be a huge problem. Our counselors told us they pretty much double the amt of use as reported by the teen when in intake. Very, very few spell out everything they have been doing in those early conversations. The level he's already divulged is pretty high already.

 

 

Yes. While I liked the post you responded too (because there are people who can recreationally use some drugs), the situation as described speaks to a substance abuse problem - progressive and possibly severe.

 

Here is a simplified but good article on the risks of teens and drug use:

 

http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2015/01/29/why-teens-are-impulsive-addiction-prone-and-should-protect-their-brains/

 

Here is a basic addiction primer:

 

http://www.joanneketch.com/SubstanceAbuseandRecoveryPages.en.html