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Duped by the narcissist in my life.

Miss Peregrine

By Miss Peregrine,
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Miss Peregrine

Miss Peregrine

Posted
Posted

I am so angry with myself!I thought I had a handle on things. I have minimized interactions and I try to always be aware but this person got me. An issue I thought was resolved. This person found a back-door and totally got me.

 

I feel so stupid.

 

I know there have been many books recommended here but if you can, please recommend them again here. I need the best. I will be looking for a counselor this afternoon.

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Tsuga

Tsuga

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I am sorry. I have to communicate in writing with my narcissist. Just remember you aren't at fault for living your life as a normal human being. That is not stupid. They are stupid for wasting their life trying to take advantage of people or hurt them.

 

:grouphug:

Edited by Tsuga
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mathnerd

mathnerd

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Do not reveal personal info to them - they want the details to use them as a weapon to attack you where it hurts most. I am very formal with mine and never talk personal details anymore - so this person outright asks if I have health issues, marital problems and academic failures for my son. My only mantra is the quote by George Bernard Shaw that I repeat to myself - “Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.†So, I have minimized contact and talk formally and politely when I have to speak.

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Miss Peregrine

Miss Peregrine

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Do not reveal personal info to them - they want the details to use them as a weapon to attack you where it hurts most. I am very formal with mine and never talk personal details anymore - so this person outright asks if I have health issues, marital problems and academic failures for my son. My only mantra is the quote by George Bernard Shaw that I repeat to myself - “Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.†So, I have minimized contact and talk formally and politely when I have to speak.

Yes! I have stopped sharing anything personal. I would hear this person encouraging someone in similar circumstances and then turn around and spit venom towards me when I needed the encouragement, too.

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gardenmom5

gardenmom5

Posted
Posted (edited)

start with boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no.

 

http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/is helpful.  (including information on a couple blogs from which to stay away. - one is run by a narcissist, and some people were left in even worse shape.)

if you scroll down, on the right, she has a long list of other sites she recommends.  you should find something that is helpful for you.

 

good luck.  

 

eta: the list of books rec'd by the NC-blog

  • People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck
  • The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller
  • The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson
  • Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward
  • Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Dr. Karyl McBride
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gardenmom5

gardenmom5

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Sorry, don't know any books.  But the first thing that popped into my head when I read your post was something I realized years ago about dh's mother (narcissist).  After a few years of seeing a counselor and trying everything she said to do, and dh's mother finding a way around everything, one day I suddenly thought to myself 'You can't outsmart the devil'.  And that about summed up the entire thing for me.  The woman was smart, crafty, and, most of all, devious.

 

All to say that you're definitely NOT stupid.  They're just very, very good at what they do, with years of practice behind them.   

 

(In the end, dh dealt with her - in his ALSO roundabout, crafty way.)

 

:grouphug:   And I hope it works out for you.

 

you can mock him.  narcissists can't stand to be mocked.  they will stomp and rage, and completely show their hand.  they will lose their cool.

 

and yes, I believe I learned what evil is from my narcissist.  "seeking to usurp the agency of another to feed their own ego and self-aggrandizement."

 

 

eta: dh would be *excruciatingly* polite.  and cheerful.  drove. her. insane!  she couldn't stand to be anywhere near him. (that was after she gave up trying to undermine my marriage.)

 

Edited by gardenmom5
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gardenmom5

gardenmom5

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Do not reveal personal info to them - they want the details to use them as a weapon to attack you where it hurts most. I am very formal with mine and never talk personal details anymore - so this person outright asks if I have health issues, marital problems and academic failures for my son. My only mantra is the quote by George Bernard Shaw that I repeat to myself - “Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.†So, I have minimized contact and talk formally and politely when I have to speak.

 

the narcissits variation on miranda rights. (which I figured out before I learned about NPD.)

 

anything you say WILL be used against you.

 

the shaw quote is great.  =D.  I'll have to add that to my own pig quote.  never try and teach a pig to sing.  it wastes your time, and annoys the pig.

 

eta: I also had to minimize what I said to anyone who might pass the information along to the narcissist. . . . sad, but my (and my childrens) sanity and safety was important.

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trulycrabby

trulycrabby

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I am sorry. :grouphug: The parent of one of my children's friends is a narcissist, so I am forced to deal with her on a weekly basis. I keep big boundaries in place so I don't get sucked in, but it is difficult, since a narcissist's main goal in life is to get people to do their bidding. :zombie:

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momee

momee

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I've found some things to help me...because the abuse my mom gave out had so many negative affects, especially regarding my parenting - stabbing a fork in my hand when I was eating with my mouth open, for example.  So I really have to battle some days to not copy her discipline methods or react out of anger - the way I was parented.  This isn't an excuse - it's the truth.  When all you've seen is drama and dysfunction, normal is hard to imagine in some arenas.  That sounds so awful to actually type out.

 

How to Control Your Emotions So They Don't Control You - Brooke McGlothlin

and 
Unglued

 

are my two favorite mom books to help keep me gentle and have given me new techniques to parent with.

 

Also, as far as being the daughter of a narcissistic mom - this book was very, very difficult to read - it was THE book that helped me realize what was happening with my mother - and sooo much of what I have experienced as a grown woman having been raised by a narcissist.

 

Karyl McBride - Will I Ever Be Good Enough

 

Peace to you as you maneuver this.  Not easy.

Edited by momee
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momee

momee

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That sounds like I have some abuse issues myself.  See - here's the guilt cycle of being the child of a narcissist.  Sooo much guilt, so much over analysis of my role and problems and ... blech.

 

I am not in danger of hurting anyone, I'm stupidly trying to say I really have to work at controlling my behavior when anxious, I have to work at being a quiet mom when things get really loud and I really have to learn new methods of parenting each time my kids get to new stages of life - because all I have to go on are her examples.  

 

I'm so thankful for a new life, peace, protection, and a mentally healthy home.

 

Enough rambling...

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Miss Peregrine

Miss Peregrine

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That sounds like I have some abuse issues myself. See - here's the guilt cycle of being the child of a narcissist. Sooo much guilt, so much over analysis of my role and problems and ... blech.

 

I am not in danger of hurting anyone, I'm stupidly trying to say I really have to work at controlling my behavior when anxious, I have to work at being a quiet mom when things get really loud and I really have to learn new methods of parenting each time my kids get to new stages of life - because all I have to go on are her examples.

 

I'm so thankful for a new life, peace, protection, and a mentally healthy home.

 

Enough rambling...

I appreciate your vulnerability. I was physically abused as a child, too. It was a hard cycle to break. I never abused my kids but sometimes it was really hard not to lash out physically. You are breaking the cycle. :grouphug:

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momee

momee

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Thanks Miss Peregrine.  I learned a bit late that anger parenting is viciously nasty and needs attention and effort to overcome.  My oldest suffered from alot of railing from me.  Angry vocal outbursts and lack of patience.  I have and still do apologize for those outbursts.  I am heavily burdened that his issues in being a late bloomer are my fault. 

 

But then I put on glasses of grace :) and I remember his bad decisions are not because I've lost my temper at times.  I was - as my mother always said - "doing the best I could with what I knew".  She too was abused.  BUT I , unlike her...learned new ways.  I realized what my anger was doing to my family.  What my lack of control and emotional immaturity were doing to us (this was 18 years ago, I've learned soo much, thank God)  

 

You are right though - I have broken the cycle.  I am so greatful for godly examples and teachers who have been helpers in my healing.  My later children benefit from a mom who found grace, found Jesus and a new and gentle way to live.  A mother not motivated by self and brokenness and vindictive behaviors, but motivated out of love and longsuffering, patience and gentleness.  Kindness, mercy and forgiveness are my goals now.

 

I am horribly suffering the decision to go no contact with my mother.  Soooo much guilt, but it has helped tremendously with my mental health and my family's stability.  She has affected me even as a grown woman, unfortunately, in many hurtful ways.

Good for the OP to seek help.  Narcissism is insidious and hidden and difficult for everyone involved.

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mathnerd

mathnerd

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That sounds like I have some abuse issues myself.  See - here's the guilt cycle of being the child of a narcissist.  Sooo much guilt, so much over analysis of my role and problems and ... blech.

 

I am not in danger of hurting anyone, I'm stupidly trying to say I really have to work at controlling my behavior when anxious, I have to work at being a quiet mom when things get really loud and I really have to learn new methods of parenting each time my kids get to new stages of life - because all I have to go on are her examples.  

 

I'm so thankful for a new life, peace, protection, and a mentally healthy home.

 

Enough rambling...

I am sorry that you have self doubts - I have them myself and I have to work through a lot of issues even years after moving on with my life. I have a high level of clarity now that I was not to blame for many things that transpired in my childhood - but, I live with second guessing and guilt about my parenting all the time and I am worried that I might be a bad parent. My checkpoint is my DH. I ask him all the time what he thinks of my parenting and I get a fair assessment from him and that has been really helpful.

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momee

momee

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Thanks, mathnerd.  Ditto - DH knew for years my mom was having those issues and saw clearly their hold over me.  He reassures me all the time regarding those things.  I am so grateful in so many ways for his wisdom.  

Edited by momee
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8circles

8circles

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Posted

That sounds like I have some abuse issues myself.  See - here's the guilt cycle of being the child of a narcissist.  Sooo much guilt, so much over analysis of my role and problems and ... blech.

 

I am not in danger of hurting anyone, I'm stupidly trying to say I really have to work at controlling my behavior when anxious, I have to work at being a quiet mom when things get really loud and I really have to learn new methods of parenting each time my kids get to new stages of life - because all I have to go on are her examples.  

 

I'm so thankful for a new life, peace, protection, and a mentally healthy home.

 

Enough rambling...

 

I'm right there with you.

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momee

momee

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Miss Peregrine - 

this "I feel so stupid." is typical. I bet you would really appreciate the book by McBride.  Even if the offender isn't your mom, it helped me tremendously to work through those type feelings.

 

I'm happy to be an ear should you need it through pm.  If not, no worries.  

Just know you aren't alone, and I'm guessing not to blame :)

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