Living with food restrictions and family support--is it that difficult to understand?

[Jean in Newcastle]

**

[kitten18]

I think there's a huge difference between not being able to eat 1 fruit or vegetable, and being allergic to wheat. Which is in tens of thousand of foods and very often there really isn't a good replacement for (baked goods).

[Katy]

Since this is the same husband who refused to acknowledge a child's need to sleep and played video games late into the night keeping the child up in his own bedroom, and refused to take time out to say good night, I don't see any change in behavior or attitude.  

 

Ohhh, I forgot the history.  I'd pretty much assume anything this parent did is selfish and unreasonable with that background.

[38carrots]

I'm honoured that Jean in New Castle remembers my history on the boards over the years and is quick to point out that she knows the backstory. :w00t:  I'm not sure what I would've done without you, Jean in New Castle. Do you  mind if I message you before I post so that you could help me formulate what I should share and what I should keep private? I think I need maybe some tips on proper over-sharing, cause I lack in this department. Thanks.

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Nothing on the internet is private.  Nothing is ever really deleted.  You do know that, right?  This is one reason why people often suggest therapists to help with serious problems.  Because there are privacy laws there to actually keep things private.  That said, I will delete what I said even though I am not the only one who knows the backstory.  Also I did not mention the backstory to be mean or anything.  The backstory makes a HUGE difference in how you look at the present situation.  

[zoobie]

I think there's a huge difference between not being able to eat 1 fruit or vegetable, and being allergic to wheat. Which is in tens of thousand of foods and very often there really isn't a good replacement for (baked goods).

And having an anaphylactic reaction to that food item! Not the same at all. :(

[Catwoman]

He might just like the cookies. My impression is that he really doesn't think she really finds it upsetting, so he doesn't see why he would not - in his mind she is being peevish. I think he's wrong in his assessment, but given what he thinks, I would not expect him to refrain.

 

However, i also think, even though cookies do actually make her feel sad, that kind of sadness is not actually damaging. It's possible to learn to live with it comfortably, and even regain something of the emotional effect without the thing it is attached to - in this case, the cookies But in order to realize that, it takes time - you have to go through it and experience it. You have to realize what it is that really you are being emotional about.

 

I don't think the dad has that in mind, but from my perspective, this is as good an opportunity as any to learn about it. A 14 year old is capable of aquiring that level of emotional maturity.

When do you think the dad might acquire that level of emotional maturity?

 

I only ask because it seems pretty clear he doesn't have it now.

 

It's not like he can't have the cookies every single day if he wants them. All his dd is asking is that he refrain from eating them in front of her. He is being incredibly petty, inconsiderate, and immature.

 

I feel sorry for 38carrots' dd. Her father is choosing a cookie over her feelings. That is just awful.

[LucyStoner]

It is really unacceptable to self diagnose Aspergers and then operate from a place of inaccurate sterotypes about ASD to continuously make excuses for a parent who, regardless of the possible (emphasis on possible) neurological difference, is being a really unkind and immature father.

 

My 12 year old son with ASD wouldn't need to be asked twice to save a treat for later for whatever reason. And he would totally grasp why, if his brother or cousin couldn't have something, he might not want to have it right in front of them.

 

Until he has a legit diagnosis and is seeking legit behavioral health care, ASD shouldn't be bandied about as an explaination, much less an excuse.

 

It is extremely obnoxious and hurtful to families affected by ASD for these sterotypes to keep floating around. ASD is not one and the same with being a selfish jerk.

[Catwoman]

It is really unacceptable to self diagnose Aspergers and then operate from a place of inaccurate sterotypes about ASD to continuously make excuses for a parent who, regardless of the possible (emphasis on possible) neurological difference, is being a really unkind and immature father.

 

My 12 year old son with ASD wouldn't need to be asked twice to save a treat for later for whatever reason. And he would totally grasp why, if his brother or cousin couldn't have something, he might not want to have it right in front of them.

 

Until he has a legit diagnosis and is seeking legit behavioral health care, ASD shouldn't be bandied about as an explaination, much less an excuse.

 

It is extremely obnoxious and hurtful to families affected by ASD for these sterotypes to keep floating around. ASD is not one and the same with being a selfish jerk.

I absolutely agree with you 100%, but I don't think 38carrots was trying to cause any harm. I think she is grasping at straws to try to figure out why her dh is behaving as he is, and at some point Asperger's was probably suggested to her as a possibility.

 

If my dh behaved the way she has said hers does, I would be looking for an explanation that sounded a lot better than simply calling him selfish and immature. I would be hoping it was something that could be diagnosed and treated.

 

But again, I agree that Asperger's isn't the issue here. The aspies I have known have all been very nice people, and even if they missed on a social cue and accidentally upset someone, they felt very badly about it as soon as they found out about it, and went out of their way to make it right.

[Katy]

It is really unacceptable to self diagnose Aspergers and then operate from a place of inaccurate sterotypes about ASD to continuously make excuses for a parent who, regardless of the possible (emphasis on possible) neurological difference, is being a really unkind and immature father.

 

My 12 year old son with ASD wouldn't need to be asked twice to save a treat for later for whatever reason. And he would totally grasp why, if his brother or cousin couldn't have something, he might not want to have it right in front of them.

 

Until he has a legit diagnosis and is seeking legit behavioral health care, ASD shouldn't be bandied about as an explaination, much less an excuse.

 

It is extremely obnoxious and hurtful to families affected by ASD for these sterotypes to keep floating around. ASD is not one and the same with being a selfish jerk.

 

I just want to second this.  My ASD nephew is extremely caring and would never do anything like this.

 

Being so hurtful might be more of a personality disorder.  Or it might be immaturity.  Immaturity can change, personality disorders do not. I would do my best to get a diagnosis so you know which you're dealing with.

 

I'd also, personally, be more tempted to divorce a husband with a personality disorder.  But even if that would never happen due to religious reasons, it would be important to know that so that I could educate children on what they are dealing with, so they could develop proper boundaries, and never let their father's cruelty and emotional abuse be internalized to change their own feelings about themselves OR that it is acceptable to allow themselves to be treated with cruelty or abuse...

 

 

ETA: PLEASE read the books Boundaries and Stop Walking on Eggshells

 

[LucyStoner]

I absolutely agree with you 100%, but I don't think 38carrots was trying to cause any harm. I think she is grasping at straws to try to figure out why her dh is behaving as he is, and at some point Asperger's was probably suggested to her as a possibility.

 

If my dh behaved the way she has said hers does, I would be looking for an explanation that sounded a lot better than simply calling him selfish and immature. I would be hoping it was something that could be diagnosed and treated.

 

But again, I agree that Asperger's isn't the issue here. The aspies I have known have all been very nice people, and even if they missed on a social cue and accidentally upset someone, they felt very badly about it as soon as they found out about it, and went out of their way to make it right.

I also don't think she is trying to cause harm. Thing is, she doesn't know if her husband has any form of ASD or not and her excuse seeking (on other threads too) is not only perpetuating negative and false sterotypes about people with ASD, it's hurting her own kids. They need their mom to set boundaries with him and protect them.

 

My older son has behaved in harmful ways towards my younger son, largely due to his ASD. To my younger son, it really didn't matter WHY. The WHAT- he was being abused in his home by a member of his immediate family- was still the same. We moved mountains to make sure that not only did our son with ASD get what he needed but also that our younger son was safe and supported. Even if this man has some form of ASD those kids deserve to hear their mom say "wait, hold up. This is our child. You don't get to talk to her that way." They very well may need counseling and support to navigate what they have had to live with.

[Carol in Cal.]

I'm glad that the OP posted so she could get a sanity check on her situation and her reaction to it.  That's what friends are for, even imaginary ones like us.

[sbgrace]

ETA: I didn't read replies, and looking just above me I think I missed important information! I hope you figure out how to handle things in a way that's healthy for everyone OP.

 

We do not have anything in this house with ingredients my son or husband are anaphylactic to.This would be a hill to die on for me. So if she is ana to ingredients in those cookies, I would be, well, doing my darn best to exert control over another adult. I simply would not allow it.

 

My son has severe food allergies. He is used to people outside the home eating things in front of him that would harm him. That's just part of food allergies, and he's been dealing with that for as long as he can remember. I don't mean he doesn't wish he could join in. We went on a family trip with extended family and had some safe for him food that everyone ate for several meals. I was shocked at how much he seemed to enjoy eating what everyone else ate/with everyone, and it made me a bit sad.

 

This child developed some issue, not anaphylaxis, with peanuts this year. His allergist suggested we pull it except for a tiny bit every so often in the hopes he can eventually tolerate it again. So he has Sunbutter and a tiny speck of peanut butter while everyone else eats peanut butter. While I know he wishes he could have peanut butter, he doesn't want to feel sick. So it doesn't seem to bother him that others eat it. We're all hoping he's able to have it again someday.

 

If I were your husband, I would avoid eating cookies that made my child sad. If I were you, I would be frustrated that he tells her she should feel or not feel something. But I think there are a lot of people who try to tell other people how to feel. If she's anaphylactic to the cookies, I would throw them in the garbage the minute they entered my door. He can take life threatening cookies to work if they are that important to him.

 

 

 

[Seasider]

Good grief, this shouldn't be an issue with her own dad. I thought you were going to say you were having trouble with extended family - BTDT.

 

But I think your husband is being incredibly insensitive.

[Tsuga]

He doesn't believe in feelings? Yeah right. Wait until he has feelings. Then you'll all be believing in his justified irritation at his extremely objective assessment of the situation in which he and only he has been injured.

[MomatHWTK]

We have foods in the house that DS is anaphylaxic to- when he was younger he was allergic to 9 different foods.  I don't serve the allergy foods to the kids for safety reasons.  But DH have developed protocols over the years to avoid cross contamination.  No shared bowls, utensils, etc. allowed.  I don't allow some foods due to the airborne contaminant risk.  Other foods used to be banned but we allow now as we've developed better protocols or DS' allergy has lessened.  

 

Sometimes if a food looks particularly good, it will make DS sad that he can't have it.  He doesn't want others to go without, but it still hurts sometimes.  If I know he is feeling down, or otherwise would be upset by a specific item I don't eat it in front of him.  DH developed a shellfish allergy about 6 years ago.  I usually don't order shrimp if we are out together because we used to enjoy that food as a couple and of course I can't kiss him if I've had any shellfish.  That's my choice though, he has said it is OK if I want to order the seafood (I do sometimes.) This week he was feeling down and saw some shrimp appetizers at the store and felt sad for sentimental reasons.

 

Feelings don't just get turned off, and missing something is a legitimate feeling. Every allergy family has to decide for themselves what their food safety policies are and those may change over time. But in any situation allergies or not, I think family members need to communicate and respect each other's feelings.  So if DS was consistently upset that I ate a non-essential food in front of him I would try to be more respectful of his feelings whether I understood them or not.  That might mean I avoid the food altogether, it might me that I just don't flaunt it in front of him.  

 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Normally I'd say that she just needs to get over it but this is a close family member. He needs to show some compassion to her. I think he's being rude. Why is an adult acting like that? I'm sure there's more to the history there.

 

Exactly my thought. 

 

I would not do that to my kid.  That's mean.  Why can't he just buy them and eat them at work or something?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

There is nothing simpler than not eating a treat in front of someone else who can't also enjoy it. There is no more basic level of manners than to refrain from indulging unless one is prepared to share.

 

Take these principles and apply them to one's own child even more than to the general public.

 

At my house, we deal with multiple special diets. People here are always eating something that someone else can't eat, but it doesn't violate the above principles because the non-partaker really does not care. It's just food. It's not favorite food, tearful deprivation-causing food, the last meal one would choose before execution...it's just food. If someone can't have it but doesn't want it anyway, no harm no foul.

 

But we do not stand there boorishly sucking down our family members' favorite foods that they can no longer have, right in front of their faces, because we love our family members more than we love our treats!

 

 

 

[Joanne]

 

 

 

But we do not stand there boorishly sucking down our family members' favorite foods that they can no longer have, right in front of their faces, because we love our family members more than we love our treats!

And to 1) expect the person to BE HAPPY that you can eat the food and 2) to call names (wtf IS morally petty, anyway) is so not ok that I am baffled at those who said that the child was "also in the wrong."

[AimeeM]

First, I think your DH is being a bit of a butt eating them in front of her. He's a grown-up. It really isn't difficult at all to take his treat into another room. Sorry.

Second, my answer depends entirely upon the age of the child/person with the restriction. I wouldn't eat a regular cookie in front of my GF 5 year old nephew without having an equally yummy, accessible, treat for him; I wouldn't hesitate (and didn't) to eat the same, however, in front of my then-GF daughter (tween/teen). I definitely didn't rub it in her face, but considering she attended a brick and mortar private school at the time, wherein all the children brought lunches from home, and had frequent parties in the school, she was very used to (and not upset by) people eating things she had once enjoyed. 

 

[Tap]

(snipped for space)

 

DH eats them in front of DD and tells her that it is morally petty not to be happy for him when he enjoys them and instead to have little pangs of regret that she can't have them.

 

He claims that this feeling is totally alien to him, and he can't imagine feeling sad and a bit upset seeing a family member eat something that he can't have. He says he'd be only happy for them.

 

Which is the closest to your own feelings? Attaching a poll.

 

 

He doesn't "believe" in feelings and he'd say he doesn't care about them.

 

I think it is a combination of Asperger's and being incredibly stubborn. He is not able to understand the feelings part as an important part of one's self. I guess in the same way that I'm not sure I'm able to fully understand how a Dad can eat cookies in front of a kid who is anaphylactic to them. Btw, if he told her, "Gosh, I really crave those. Go see if you have any GF cookies in the house, let's munch together and enjoy the show. Too bad you can't have those ones, I know it's tough since those were your favourites," she would have been completely and totally find with that.

I have to ask.....is happy not a feeling?

[Garga]

I remember the video game story as well. This is a pattern. Something is very wrong with your dh. I have no idea what it is, but his behavior is not normal. Something is wrong.

 

I'm really sorry for you. He isn't being nice, whether by choice or by a disorder of some sort.

[Lisbeth]

I remember the video game story as well. This is a pattern. Something is very wrong with your dh. I have no idea what it is, but his behavior is not normal. Something is wrong.

 

I'm really sorry for you. He isn't being nice, whether by choice or by a disorder of some sort.

Agreed. Protect your child, please! Kids remember not only the bully parent, but also the one who did nothing about it. This is a pattern of behavior, do something!

Also, I think if anaphylaxis is involved, the item should not be in the house at all.

[luuknam]

Unless I missed something, I haven't seen an explanation yet of why he's suddenly bringing these cookies in and eating them in front of your daughter after *years* of not doing so. I'd start by trying to figure out what caused that change.

[VeteranMom]

Just my thoughts...It's not your dh's food allergy, so he shouldn't have to stop eating what he wants.  I totally "get it" that she is sad.  I can't eat wheat or milk and I have missed my favorites at different points.  I have my kids on a wheat free diet- one son is very sensitive to it and the other 2 are mildly sensitive.  It's not unusual to have someone bring donuts in for a celebration for their basketball team.  My kids can't eat the donuts and they used to love donuts.  I don't feel it's right to ask the other kids not to eat donuts in front of my kids.  I will say I try to find substitute foods for my kids and have done my best to help them find new favorites that they will enjoy.  Life is about making adjustments- not about always being upset about what you can't have.  This is a life lesson- not just about food.

    

[TranquilMind]

Or am I missing something and being too sensitive?

 

DH has been buying and cookies that DD14 can't have. Those cookies are rather special to her as it was a special treat we used buy when she was a toddler and young pre-schooler, and we had a lemonade and cookie  parties with her. She hasn't been able to have them in years, and she has fond memories of them. We haven't bought them in years either.

 

When DH first got the "family pack" of them, she tried to ask him not to do it anymore. I talked to DD then and I have been talking sicne then, that even though it is tough for her to have them around, Dad has a full right to buy them and enjoy them, and that she shouldn't try to control what other people eat. So it is not that I support her asking him not to buy the cookies. I think she was out of line.

 

However, I do understand that it can be hard for a person, especially a child with a food restriction, when their loved ones eat that food in front of them. I think it is actually more difficult than witnessing other people eat foods that you can't have. And more difficult when it is a treat that DH can easily eat out of sight.

 

DH eats them in front of DD and tells her that it is morally petty not to be happy for him when he enjoys them and instead to have little pangs of regret that she can't have them.

 

He claims that this feeling is totally alien to him, and he can't imagine feeling sad and a bit upset seeing a family member eat something that he can't have. He says he'd be only happy for them.

 

Which is the closest to your own feelings? Attaching a poll.

Your husband is very insensitive. That is pretty mean to do to your own kid.  This isn't just some random kid at a cafe in front of whom he is eating cookies.   

 

Sure, one needs to deal with food restrictions; we have them here.  But we don't go out of our way to buy stuff the others can't have and eat it in front of them, especially certain foods, like sugar that is almost impossible to resist or put down.   My husband has given up several things because we can't eat them. 

[TranquilMind]

And to 1) expect the person to BE HAPPY that you can eat the food and 2) to call names (wtf IS morally petty, anyway) is so not ok that I am baffled at those who said that the child was "also in the wrong."

Totally agree!