Intorverts/introvert kids---what do you think of this parenting idea?

[Ottakee]

A friend of mine mentioned today that the rule in their house is that bedrooms are for napping and sleeping only and that during the day the kids are expected to be on the main floor of the house (they have 2 daylight basement bedrooms and 3 upstairs bedrooms).  Sounds like this has been a rule since the kids were young.  I can see this as they have 3 adopted through foster care, then 2 bio and now one in guardianship.  She said that it helped to foster a sense of family and community and kept the kids connected (her adopted ones came at 1 1/2, 3 1/2, and 5 1/2).

 

Pondering this though, I can see it working well for 3 of my 4.  I have 2 that would hide in their rooms with electronics if allowed and one that really needs to learn to interact well in a family setting.  One of mine though is more of an introvert and I wonder about requiring her to be on the main floor of the house all day.  She does come down and work on puzzles, eat meals with us, goes places with us, etc.  I think that the constant noise, busyiness of the other kids, etc. might be overwhelming to her.

 

I am not an introvert but was wondering what you introverts or those with introvert kids thought of this idea.   Again, in my friend's situation, I can see it as a very positive parenting technique.  That also explains why her kids' bedrooms are all so clean and neat.  They basically just sleep and store clothes in there whereas my kids do crafts, play, etc. in their rooms.

[tm919]

Just in my personal opinion... if the main floor is big and has separate rooms (i.e., it's possible to be in a room by yourself reading) then I could see it working. Otherwise, as an introvert, I would quickly become exhausted and start hiding in the bathroom to get away from it all.

[Aiden]

I am a rather extreme introvert.

 

I can see positives to this rule, but for me, it would be torturous--as the parent or as the child.

 

When I was a child and attended school all day, even though I didn't have to be interacting with others but just sitting in class most of the time, it was exhausting. I would come home, go to my room, turn on the radio, and just lie on my bed. I would stay that way until dinner. I needed it after having been forced to be around people all day. I don't think it would have been much different if I'd been home all day but forced to be in a room with the rest of the family.

 

Even now, as an adult, as the parent of only one child, one of my biggest struggles is that my child always wants to be with me and I need time alone.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

That wouldn't work for us. I can definitely see her point, and my introverted DD could stand to spend some more time with the family (then again, she just hit "that age" where she wants to hide away a lot as well). But as an introvert, I can tell you that my bedroom is like my sanctuary, and being forcibly barred from it would be very, very hard on me. It would be like locking an extrovert IN their room alone all day. There has to be a happy medium, IMO. 

 

I guess maybe I could see it working if it's always been the rule. Then it would just be the norm. It's not something I could ever see myself doing though. 

[PeachyDoodle]

As an introverted parent, this rule would be disastrous for me (or maybe I should say for my kids!).

 

At least once a day, I have to send my kids outside or to the rec room or to their bedrooms just so I can get some space to BREATHE. I would have hated such a rule growing up.

 

I can never see this working in our house. Both of my kids are fairly introverted as well. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

But if it works for them, more power to 'em!

[Guest]

As an introvert, I'm afraid that I have to say that this sounds abusive.

 

 

 

 

[planner]

I think this rule would only be effective for my family if there were multiple living areas on the main floor so that loud and quiet activities could take place at the same time. Otherwise, it would not work for us. Disallowing electronics in the bedroom is our rule.

 

Depending on personalities, this rule may work nicely in a large home. It could also be a disaster. I say if it works for them, then it works for them. Not my place to judge.

[Ottakee]

They do have a few areas on the main floor. I am certainly not judging her as knowing her kids and their needs, I think it was brilliant and something I wish I would have thought of of doing....or at least doing on a modified basis.

 

Then again for our foster guy, one of his goals is to be able to entertain himself quietly for 10 minutes at a time once a day. He just grew up with chaos and is used to interactions with people all waking hours...but those interactions were often less than positive. He could be in the same room but playing leogs for 19 minutes or reading or doing origami, etc. Just learning that not all of life needs to be so chaotic at all times.

 

I need to start writing down all of these therapeutic parenting tips for our future book. She has it down pat....or so it seemsost of the time.

 

Maybe we will do a modified version with limited room time but yet giving my introvert an hour here and there to just listen to her music on her own.

 

Our family is not typical though as all 4 kids have various types and levels of special needs and 3 are young adults so while they still need parenting, it is different than if they were all younger.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Our apartment is 1100 sqft. If we didn't use the bedrooms during the day, we'd be sitting on top of each other!

 

But in a large, multi-level, multi living space home, it could work. I'd want to have some kind of "quiet zone" for those wanting to read, or a quit time when one could retreat to a bedroom for a period of time...

[Heatherwith4]

Yeah, no. That would not work for me as a parent (nor would it have worked as a kid.) I have one kid that would not like it, either.

[zoobie]

I could see requiring it for specific times, but all day? No. Sounds horrific. Forced togetherness with no escape is one of the circles of hell for me.

[Pawz4me]

I could see it with young kids, but not once they're old enough to be trusted out of sight.  As an introvert I couldn't deal with it, and I wouldn't force it on an older child.  I would want my kids to learn how to be okay spending some time alone during waking hours.

[J-rap]

I could see the advantages in your situation, and it's kind of how we did it though we didn't have rules.  But, our bedrooms were so tiny, that the kids would just naturally come downstairs to our living room/dining room/kitchen (all connected and open) to hang out.   A couple of them are a little introverted, but they were very comfortable with each other and I guess we weren't a very loud family.  That probably helped.  Though I should add, even though I see it as potentially a good idea at a younger age, I think as they get older they will want to have some privacy throughout the day.

 

Maybe you could start by just saying certain hours you wanted everyone in a common area.  Like between 5:00 and bedtime, or something like that.

[katilac]

Every one of us would lose our everloving minds. 

 

Of course, we are all on the same floor anyway, no 2nd story, and my kids are teens. If I had a 2-story house and younger kids, then yes, I'd probably want the littles on the same floor (or within earshot and easy to find).

 

For the ages you give in the original post, it probably made a lot of sense. It's not something I would do for older kids who aren't constantly getting in trouble. My teens spend hours every day in their rooms (as did I at that age). 

[Rebel Yell]

A person of any personaity type can be completely disengaged from the family while sitting right in the middle of them, just as easily as a child alone in their room can be engaged in their own way with the family. My girls share a ton of stuff via their iPads/iPods/iPhones while in separate rooms. They have also all sat on the same couch and each had individual conversations with other friends on their devices.

 

My house is very small. Forcing everyone to sit in the livingroom together all day would drive all of us to an uncharted level of insanity. If we had a kitchen, breakfast nook, dining room, living room, family room, walk-in pantry, home office, and music room all on the main floor it might work. But my 12x14 room feels mighty small- prison-like, even. Only without the open steel toilet. :glare:

[Ottakee]

Forgot to mention my friends kids adopted at 1,3 and 5 and now 17, 19, and 21. She then has 15dd, 15fds, and 13ds too. Rule is still in place. That said, knowing the needs of her kids, I fully support it for her kids, even as teens. She is also the mean mom of no electronics or phones or screens in bedrooms until the kids are out of highschool....and she turns the internet off at 10.

 

She sounds really strict when I write that all down but if you are a foster/adopt parent of kids with trauma issues you can understand why. I also don't think any of hers are introverts and they do have 4 different areas on the main floor for them to be. And the rules apply to her and her dh as well....all but the cell phones in the bedroom.

 

I was just curious as to how an introvert would see it since I am not an introvert myself.

[kbutton]

Well, not all introverts need to be physically isolated to be "alone" (solitary) or to partake in a quiet activity that is refreshing. I think that would have a lot to do with how I tried to use this sort of strategy--which kind of introvert am I dealing with? I also think that some introverts don't like any stimulation, while others don't mind noise and whatnot as long as they don't have to interact with it directly.

 

It's entirely possible to be "alone" in a roomful of people, but not everyone has that skill. 

 

I consider myself pretty introverted (cabin fever is almost never an issue for me), but I can be alone in a crowd (mostly). That said, if I moved somewhere that was densely populated, I would probably have to adapt. If I have to work through people or traffic congestion, that wears me out a lot faster, and I would want more solitude at home, but if I don't have to sit in traffic or face a crowded store, I often feel like I can handle being out more (I grew up in a small town that was the biggest town in the county--my high school had 500 students). I do sometimes have the feeling of not being able to get away from my kids, but we are dealing with some special needs that have social repercussions. I am trying to train them to be able to leave me alone without actually having to banish them to their rooms. We don't have a lot of living area that isn't shared, but we can spread out a bit.

 

So, I think it's worth trying, but I'd probably do a lot of training and adapting if I did it. I think there is a lot to be said for learning how to deal with others and feel a part of a family or group. 

[Joules]

 

I was just curious as to how an introvert would see it since I am not an introvert myself.

 

This introvert just about broke out in hives reading about such a horrible idea  (but obviously we are not all the same.) 

[MrsMommy]

I'm an introvert, and my oldest daughter is an introvert. (My younger son has autism, and while he isn't a strict introvert, he also likes his time to himself.)

 

I request that doors be left open. If she wants to be alone in an upstairs room, that's fine, as long is the door is open and she isn't totally isolated. I do the same myself. There are times when I ask her to be on the main level of the house, if we're doing a family activity, but in general, for normal times, I let her be. Making her be on the main floor of our house all the time would be mean, and would just leave her upset.

[Hyacinth]

This introvert would find that rule oppressive and emotionally draining. I'm a MUCH better family member (mom, spouse, sister, etc.) when I can regularly escape to solitude.

 

Can she adjust the rule to include an hour or so of on-your-own quiet time? Knowing that hour was coming would help me endure the rest of the day. (Not that she's looking for advice. But I feel for the introverts in the family if there are any.)

[Loowit]

I would have hated that as a child.  I needed my time in my room alone.  My kids don't typically play in their rooms, and never really have.  The boys are mainly only in their room to sleep.  They have found ways to be alone by playing on their computer with headphones or hiding under tables.  DD started spending more time alone in her room in the last couple of years.  I think she deserves to decide to have alone time if she would like..  There are time that I let her know it would be nice for her to spend more time with us, but it is up to her.  There are still days I go hide out in my bedroom. 

[MomatHWTK]

I never even thought about it.  The only person who has their own room to be alone here is DD and she doesn't get the chance often.  Wouldn't be nice if the only "abuse" CPS had to worry about was kids not being allowed alone time in their rooms.  OP it is nice of you to try to point out the reasons why the rule works for your friend but I don't think you are being heard. 

 

In response to your question, yes IMO, having the children spend the bulk of their time in group areas does encourage them to interact more and learn to cooperate.  We have a split level home so even if they aren't in their rooms the kids can split up or find a space to be alone.  I think I may be the only true introvert in the house though. 

[MomtoCandJ]

Wouldn't really work in my home but if it works for her so be it :)

[raptor_dad]

We've spent alot of time over the years helping introverted, SPD, etc DS8 learn to deal with frustration and overstimulation. Self monitoring, sensory breaks, and having the ability to disengage are a large part of that. It isn't often an issue these days but I think it would have been harder to learn these strategies with that rule and it would still be needlessly stressful.

 

The rule you describes sounds like Christmas visiting out of town family... Fun for a day, annoying after 2, and by day 3 everyone wants to kill one another.

[Mom22ns]

I get that it works for your friends and I understand the benefits you are seeing. You asked for the perspective of introverts and you got it pretty unanimously - torture!

 

Our entire family is introverted. Dd least so (I used to think she was an extrovert, but that is only compared to the rest of us). Dh and ds are extreme introverts with me in the middle. I always required lots of family time. The kids and I spent a lot of time together during school. In the evenings we played games, we watched movies, we read aloud, we spent time together. However, my kids also regularly retreated to their rooms. If we didn't all have a way of escaping now and then... let's just go with it would be bad. 

 

OP if you try to implement a similar rule, I would suggest that you have break times. An hour before dinner, an hour in the evening an hour in the morning... whatever works in your schedule. Have several times during the day when it is acceptable to get away and recharge. Otherwise your introvert will be exhausted and cranky at the end of every day and not able to enjoy the time they spend with you. Giving them recharge time will improve the quality of the time that you require be spent together.

[sbgrace]

While it wasn't a rule exactly, I had something similar in our old home, though for different reasons. I didn't want the cats in the bedrooms due to allergies, so they were generally off limits outside of sleeping for everyone. It worked in that house because there were still rooms to go to to be alone. 

 

This house has less room generally. When we first moved in, our living space was one floor of 900 sf.

I'm an introvert. I found it exhausting and stressful. I really need to be able to be alone. That was true growing up as well.

 

Based on myself, I think that might not work as well for particular families or persons. My kids might be ok. I know It wouldn't work for me! 

[SKL]

I'm an extreme introvert.

 

When I was a kid, I shared a bedroom and had no privacy.  I used to lie under an end table or behind a big chair in the living room to preserve my personal space.  :)

[Ottakee]

Just a funny.....my younger 3 are all playing in the living room....and *I* am the one hiding out in my room :-). Granted it is almost bedtime and one of my needy ones has attached to me almost all day non stop. Maybe I a bit of an introvert.

[SKL]

My kids, age 8, do not have their own personal spaces (yet), but they like to go in their room (or the bathroom, to do their hair/nails etc.) and shut the door sometimes.  My rule is that they are not allowed to lock the door.  I am allowed to enter whenever I choose.  (I assume this will change as they get older and legitimately need privacy.)

 

For my household, it does not feel right to force everyone to be together all the time.  One of my kids does not like to be in the same room when we are watching certain kinds of movies (even mild violence bugs her).  She will play in another room where she can watch from an angle as she chooses.  She also likes to read a lot, and if she feels comfy reading on her bed, so be it.  I don't see an issue.

 

I remember when I was a teen and finally had my own bedroom.  I liked to sit up there and write poetry and draw and read (and even do homework sometimes).  My mom started thinking maybe I was doing drugs up there, so she asked me, and I said no, I wasn't.  :P  Apparently that was satisfactory to her, because she didn't bug me about it again.