Amber in SJ Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 So here is the background: 10 years ago when I was a homeschooling newbie I connected with a lovely woman in my church who also homeschooled her three children. Her children were all older than mine. This family was also fostering a toddler, named A. Two years later they finalized the adoption of A and discovered my friend had cancer. One year later she died. Less than a year later her husband remarried, a very nice, but very different from my friend, person named K, whom they had known for years. She immediately put the kids in public school because "Homeschooling makes kids weird." She parents very differently than I do. For example; less than a year after my friend's passing their 12 yo hit a stage where she defiantly refused to brush her hair, so in the night while the child was sleeping K cut off all her hair and she had to go to school the next day looking oddly scalped. A doesn't remember my friend very well and considers K his mom. As soon as he went to school he was diagnosed as ADD/ADHD and medicated. K is a theater actress and is in several local shows each year. Her schedule is not super conductive to traditional stay-at-home mom-ness. She is generally awake until the wee smalls & sleeps until noon. Last year A started getting into real trouble at school & home. According the K the juvenile authorities gave them a choice of time in a juvenile detention facility or a boarding type school with mandatory counseling. They chose the boarding school so A was gone from our community for a year and has returned home for the Summer. K has distanced herself over the years from our church community by making derisive remarks about our faith and encouraging the two youngest children to leave. The dad is very active in the church, but is very passive in all areas regarding K's interactions with the church & the kids. If you have read this far you finally get the payoff! Yesterday I received an e-mail from K letting me know that they are planning on homeschooling A for the 8th grade next year and can I give them some advice. What do I say? How do I politely say, "Homeschooling takes a huge commitment of time & energy and I don't think you are willing to do that?" Do I steer her toward something with tons of oversight like K-12? I know she plans on handing him schoolwork & going on with her life, she has said as much, with comments like "I can just leave him home all day now that he is 13, right?" I also don't think homeschooling is a long-term plan. I will also have to curb my natural impulse to say, "just let me do it." In the past when other friends have come to me with homeschooling problems I have designed complete, open & go programs for other kids. At one point I was designing programs & homeschooling for 4 kids, in addition to my own 4. I will be homeschooling a 7th grader & a 5th grader of my own next year, so my head says it would not be difficult to add this kid to my load. On the other hand the reason I design open & go programs for my own children is because I have some minor health issues that make things unpredictable. When I am having a bad day (week) the kids can go into "do the next thing" mode. OK, Hive....What do I say? Amber in SJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Are you wanting to know what kind of chocolate or alcoholic drink would work best prior to dealing with this situation? (Otherwise... yuck!) I'll have to be listening to others on this one as nothing "obvious" pops up other than... I'd be pulling A into our family if I remotely felt I could and it wouldn't hurt my kids. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 ps What happened to the older kids? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Tell her that a 13yo is still a minor child, a growing person who needs socialization, and that it's neglectful to leave him at home by himself all day to facilitate his own education. She may have heard of homeschoolers doing that but it's wrong. Also, as an eighth grader, if there's a possibility of returning to ps for high school he really should stay in ps with his friends and peers and transition to high school together. These are very valid arguments. 1. No, he can't teach himself. 2. No, you can't just leave him at home all day. 3. He needs proper socialization for his growth, with peers and with responsible adults. 4. He needs to prepare for high school, socially, emotionally, physically, and academically. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Can you talk to A first and find out what his preference would be? If he +wanted+ to homeschool, public school, boarding school? Surely talking to him would be needed before giving homeschool advice in any case. Whoo-eee, not a pretty picture. Whatever you decide to say/do stay strong! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Wait, this child has ADHD, has been struggling with functioning in school, and she wants to just toss some workbooks at him, leave him to his own devices and call it good? Honestly, his best hope probably would be homeschooling, if he had the right parent. He doesn't. And if you took him into your home you might butt heads with her AND him. Sounds like she could be a real nightmare to work with on his education. Homeschooling a 13 year old boy with ADHD and probably a lot of attitude and insecurity from what has probably been an increasingly abysmal experience at school sounds like a lot more than most would be willing to take on. I tend to agree with Tibbie on this. That being said, if you were willing to try homeschooling him yourself, you might be able to pull it off. How does he get along with your kids? Are there any homeschooling support groups he could join? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 It's time for his dad to step up to the plate... 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I would give her a link to A Well Trained Mind (the book) and tell her good luck with her research. You're so busy planning next school year already and can't be of much assistance because homeschooling is a full-time, year-round job. Then enforce some nice, solid boundaries. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 A has ADHD, has been in big trouble, juvenile authorities were involved, and has been away for a year at a boarding school. He is now home and she wants to hand over some workbooks and leave him home all day to his work on his own? That is a perfect recipe for disaster. How to politely tell her that, I don't have a clue. And I agree it is time for Dad to get involved with his children. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Does your dh have a good relationship with the dad? If so, have your dh go to him and see about having dad step up to the plate. I am pro homeschooling but not sure in this situation it would be best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 "You know, we love you guys but A has some issues that I don't have enough experience to really advise you about. What does his counselor recommend? By the way, did I tell you I found a new bean dip recipe? It's delicious." 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 My top three choices: 1.) Homeschool him myself (if possible) 2.) Push her toward K12 3.) Encourage her very strongly to leave him in public school #1 is way ahead of 2 and 3. 2 and 3 are pretty much tied in my head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I would be very hesitant to bring a child with that type of troubled past into my homeschool with my children. I see warning flags all over that would make me think long and hard about getting involved. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 No offense, but it sounds like the Dad is an idiot. He started dating and married someone who immediately went against some of his wife's most important values and who forced his children into dramatic changes while they were still actively grieving the loss of their mother. What was he thinking? Was he just so happy to have someone to dump his kids on, that he didn't even bother to consider what their deceased mother would have wanted for them? Maybe that guy should spend less time volunteering at church and more time being an active parent. I think the stepmom sounds like a witch, but ultimately, I blame the dad. It's way past time he grew a backbone and started acting like a responsible parent to his kids. 25 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Whew, this is a tough one, and I agree with catwoman about the dad. I also think that homeschooling their ds would be a thankless task since narcissist step-mom will likely set you up for failure because she will feel threatened by anything positive you do for him. I would recommend several good online schools and call it a day. I admire your desire to help this family, though. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 No offense, but it sounds like the Dad is an idiot. He started dating and married someone who immediately went against some of his wife's most important values and who forced his children into dramatic changes while they were still actively grieving the loss of their mother. What was he thinking? Was he just so happy to have someone to dump his kids on, that he didn't even bother to consider what their deceased mother would have wanted for them? Maybe that guy should spend less time volunteering at church and more time being an active parent. I think the stepmom sounds like a witch, but ultimately, I blame the dad. It's way past time he grew a backbone and started acting like a responsible parent to his kids. Clearly dad was not thinking with his head :glare: 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 No offense, but it sounds like the Dad is an idiot. He started dating and married someone who immediately went against some of his wife's most important values and who forced his children into dramatic changes while they were still actively grieving the loss of their mother. What was he thinking? Was he just so happy to have someone to dump his kids on, that he didn't even bother to consider what their deceased mother would have wanted for them? Maybe that guy should spend less time volunteering at church and more time being an active parent. I think the stepmom sounds like a witch, but ultimately, I blame the dad. It's way past time he grew a backbone and started acting like a responsible parent to his kids. :iagree: , although I know that doesn't help the OP much. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I agree with a lot of the sort of harsh comments in this thread (what a horrible parent to cut the dd's hair!), but I think I'd just genuinely offer advice and do so in a way that is clear, but is also assuming that she actually wants to try homeschooling A since school isn't working. I would not meet up with her if she's a talker and instead just message her back. I'd get Tibbie's good cautionary points out there in a nicer way and then maybe make her a list of a few of the sort of open and go programs you would put together if you were doing it, but don't go beyond that - she should do the research. Mention that there are things like K12 which aren't exactly homeschooling but are similar and might be more what she has in mind. And then emphasize that you're busy, that you hope she hooks up with some good local social opportunities and maybe you'll cross paths, chatty, chatty, this is the end of the advice and the contact for all intents and purposes, bye and good luck. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I think you can offer advice and assistance in a way that doesn't burden you and potentially pushes her away from the homeschool option. Invite her over to your house. Show her your shelf full of books and curriculum. Explain the hours you put in researching curriculum. Show her your system for designing open & go curriculum for your own children. Tell her how many hours it takes you to organize it all. Maybe mention that you always go grocery shopping in the evening and schedule appointments in the summer due to the huge time commitment of homeschooling. Emphasize that homeschooling is the equivalent of a full-time job. Tell her how wonderful and self-sacrificial she is to give up her theater career in order to homeschool her stepson. Hopefully that will be enough to send her running from homeschooling. Don't offer to homeschool him. That is a huge, dramatic mess waiting to happen. Do encourage her to put him back in school, preferably boarding school. No child should have to live under the same roof as this woman. I've heard of parents punitively cutting their kids hair before, but chopping it off while she slept! Can you imagine waking up to find your hair mysteriously shorn by your evil stepmother, only a year after the tragic death of your mother?! What a traumatic experience! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I think you should ask the same general questions I would ask any newbie interested in homeschooling like: How long are you planning to homeschool? Do you want the option of transitioning back into ps? How much hands on curriculum selection, planning, teaching and record keeping do you see yourself doing? How much time per day to you see yourself homeschooling? What are your immediate, short term, mid-term and long-term goals for homeschooling? What specifically about school wasn't working for this kid? People who actually want to know about, compare and select curriculum and do the actual teaching are going to be very different than people who want to supervise schooling where someone else chose the curriculum, someone else does the teaching, and someone else does the record keeping. The homeschooling community is full of that wide range of people, so maybe you can see kind of where she falls in the spectrum and if it's not near where you fall you can direct her to other people or resources that are closer to her. Also, no matter where she falls on the spectrum, remember that it's a completely different experience jumping into homeschooling in grade 8 than at the beginning teaching a little one letter sounds and counting and adding slowly from there. So if you somehow match up in educational philosophy and curriculum choices, you may need to direct her to someone who jumped in in the middle and can offer some help more specific to her individual situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 My one thought about your homeschooling him -- do you want him influencing your children? Clearly this is a troubled child (juvenile courts had to step in)... that is far more problematic than his ADHD dx. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 K homeschooling A is a set up for abuse (if it does not already exist.) I would not facilitate or support that at all. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in SJ Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 Regarding the older two kids; both of them were high school age when my friend passed (14 & 16) They went in to public high school, did well & graduated. Both of them left as soon as possible. The oldest now lives overseas with her husband. The next oldest went into the Air Force and isn't home much. The third is still in college. Only A is left at home. I get the feeling that they are in a holding pattern with A. The local middle school is 6-8th grade. In 6th he had all the trouble, he was gone for 7th, so I don't think they feel it will be beneficial to have him there for 8th. I also don't think the boarding school is an option for this year. I think they want to wait it out & send him to high school where the kids are coming from all different middle schools. As for the dad....He is all about the path of least resistance. The year between my friend's diagnosis and her death was the most painful thing I had ever witnessed. The experience slowly broke the dad down until he didn't care about anything. Now he only wants peace and whatever will not cause waves. He says to my Dh "The kids will grow up & leave home, but I am going to be married to K for the rest of my life." I took care of A, all day, every day for 4 months at the end of my friend's life. I guess you could say I have already homeschooled A because I was homeschooling my older kids at the time, and had one a year younger. I read to him and taught him his letters & numbers. We have a couple local homeschool groups that get together for an umbrella type of co-op three days a week and cover all the basics. It is not a good fit for us, but it might give the structure & socialization they need. Otherwise I will steer them toward K-12. Thanks for listening, Amber in SJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Glad the older three ended up ok, but they also aren't around to help, so there goes that idea... Given the additional info, if you aren't opposed to adding him in with your crew and if he's at all interested in it, that'd be the way I'd go. I feel for dad. It sounds like he's been through a bit. It's hard for me to criticize those who have had a lot on their plate, but I agree he wasn't thinking with his head when he remarried. He definitely let his kids down. I suspect if he could have a do-over, he would, but life doesn't work like that unfortunately. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 As for the dad....He is all about the path of least resistance. The year between my friend's diagnosis and her death was the most painful thing I had ever witnessed. The experience slowly broke the dad down until he didn't care about anything. Now he only wants peace and whatever will not cause waves. He says to my Dh "The kids will grow up & leave home, but I am going to be married to K for the rest of my life." That. Is. Horrifying. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Regarding the older two kids; both of them were high school age when my friend passed (14 & 16) They went in to public high school, did well & graduated. Both of them left as soon as possible. The oldest now lives overseas with her husband. The next oldest went into the Air Force and isn't home much. The third is still in college. Only A is left at home. I get the feeling that they are in a holding pattern with A. The local middle school is 6-8th grade. In 6th he had all the trouble, he was gone for 7th, so I don't think they feel it will be beneficial to have him there for 8th. I also don't think the boarding school is an option for this year. I think they want to wait it out & send him to high school where the kids are coming from all different middle schools. As for the dad....He is all about the path of least resistance. The year between my friend's diagnosis and her death was the most painful thing I had ever witnessed. The experience slowly broke the dad down until he didn't care about anything. Now he only wants peace and whatever will not cause waves. He says to my Dh "The kids will grow up & leave home, but I am going to be married to K for the rest of my life." I took care of A, all day, every day for 4 months at the end of my friend's life. I guess you could say I have already homeschooled A because I was homeschooling my older kids at the time, and had one a year younger. I read to him and taught him his letters & numbers. We have a couple local homeschool groups that get together for an umbrella type of co-op three days a week and cover all the basics. It is not a good fit for us, but it might give the structure & socialization they need. Otherwise I will steer them toward K-12. Thanks for listening, Amber in SJ That's incredibly sad... sounds like he's still dealing with grief over his first wife's loss. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleowl Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Like Homeschool Mom in AZ said, I would respond to her by asking questions. The goal would be to get her to consider carefully what homeschooling entails so that she can make informed decisions on what to do. I would actively avoid answering with "you should / shouldn't" statements, but offer resources (mention TWTM book, point her to curriculum review sites and blogs, etc.). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I would give her practical advice. Just stuff like where to get books. Different "styles" and approaches. Maybe contact information for groups that plan activities for homeschoolers. I don't see why you need to do more than that. She may be out there in your mind, but it does seem like she is trying if she is trying to help the child in that way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 In other words, you don't need to entrench yourself in this and save anyone. I don't think you can or should. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 nm 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 The whole situation sounds so sad. I just don't know what you can do. And I'm not sure that sending him to school when he had so many problems will be any better or worse than plopping him in front of a computer to do K12 or sitting him down with a bunch of workbooks or whatever. And I doubt you can really do anything. I mean, from what you say, they're lousy parents. Unfortunately, A is stuck with them. They don't sound abusive from a legal standpoint, just detached and harsh. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaz Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Do you know why boarding school isn't an option for 8th grade? If not, you probably need this information to make a decision about how much to help. I think your idea of suggesting a local co-op is a good one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 That's incredibly sad... sounds like he's still dealing with grief over his first wife's loss. I read it totally differently. I read it as the dad being so incredibly self-absorbed that the only person he is concerned about is himself. He should have been putting his children first all along, instead of worrying about his own needs and loneliness. He may have lost a spouse, but those poor children lost their MOTHER. He sounds weak. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I read it totally differently. I read it as the dad being so incredibly self-absorbed that the only person he is concerned about is himself. He should have been putting his children first all along, instead of worrying about his own needs and loneliness. He may have lost a spouse, but those poor children lost their MOTHER. He sounds weak. Possibly. But I suppose you could look at it that he found someone willing to take on a guy with kids. I don't know how easy that is to come by. He might have even liked her take charge domineering sort of personality not realizing that she was also kind of an arse. And as an actor, maybe she is good at "acting". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Possibly. But I suppose you could look at it that he found someone willing to take on a guy with kids. I don't know how easy that is to come by. He might have even liked her take charge domineering sort of personality not realizing that she was also kind of an arse. And as an actor, maybe she is good at "acting". I'm just thinking that he shouldn't have even been looking for a replacement wife at that point. His focus should have been on his children and helping them deal with their grief as a family, rather than thinking of his own interests in dating and remarriage. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Tell her that she shouldn't turn down the free counseling and services available from the school. Which is bad advice in many cases, but true in this one, I think. I'd also distance myself as much as possible since you clearly despise this woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Is it possible for you and she to go together and look at some local private schools - small, personal, fitting? Sounds like you homeschooling would be a mess, and public schools don't sound like great options. We all know him homeschooling at home would be a nightmare. I'm glad he has you on his team. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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