Is there something wrong with me? (Mental health & personality)

[Hunter's Moon]

I'll try to be as brief as possible. Please do not quote, as I may choose to delete later.

 

I feel as if there's a disconnect somewhere in my brain. I don't feel "real" most of the time. Different people get different "parts" of me. I can't think of one person whose seen all of my sides - not even my husband.

 

I remember feeling this was since age 10, perhaps? I was a very sensitive child (and still am sensitive), and some not-so-good things happened to my family and within it. We fell apart as a unit, and it's been that way since. I saw a few counselors, but even with them I couldn't bring myself to be real. I showed them what I thought they wanted to see.

 

I have trouble showing emotions but I feel them very strongly.

 

I'm a functional adult - married, full-time job, full-time student. But, I still feel as if my life is effected by this gaping disconnect.

 

I struggle to hang onto friendships. Not outwardly, I don't think, but inwardly I have to push myself to be that good friend. And it isn't my friends - they are truly wonderful. It's me and my constant urge to detach and run.

 

I'm not depressed. I do take anti-anxiety medication, however.

 

I'd really like to pursue therapy again. But I don't feel I've had luck with general counselors. I feel like I need a specialist in whatever my issues are. Someone who can tell when I'm being fake and call me on it. But I don't even know where to begin. I don't know who to look for or what type of help to even seek.

 

I mean, is this just my personaloty? Is it some kind of mental illness? Is it both, perhaps?

 

Thank you if you've read this far. I appreciate any guidance on this.

[Tsuga]

You may be more aware of what you're doing than others are.

 

I don't think anything you are facing sounds fun, but you also don't sound mentally ill to me. If you aren't happy, you should seek treatment from a qualified professional who can work effectively with you towards your goals.

 

But I wouldn't say that just because you have to work at friendship and have to be really intentional, that it's a problem.

 

I have a lot of quirks, good and bad. I have a family and it's working. I don't have a ton of friends but I have some friends. Sometimes I think I'm annoying. Sometimes I think I know very busy people.

 

I guess what I'd say is, nobody's perfect. Can you live with yourself? Can your family live (at peace) with you? If so, what do you want to treat? And if not, why not, what do you want to change? Focus on the behaviors and environment for the people around you and see if you can manage that with who you are. If that's the case, woohoo! Good enough. :) If not, that's okay. Plenty of people change their behavior, and that's okay too.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some of what you are describing is normal, I think.  I don't think any of us totally can be real in all ways to all other people.  And definitely some friends see certain sides of me that others don't see.  And I'm different with what I share with my girlfriends vs. what I share with my husband partly because they can relate to some things in a different way than he can.  The urge to detach and run sounds like it might related to the anxiety to me, but I am not a licensed therapist or psychiatrist or anything.  

[Arcadia]

I think it is "leftover" fear that cause you to be more guarded than "normal". I have a self centered paternal grandma and a hypocritical paternal uncle. I tend to be more wary than normal.

[KungFuPanda]

You should have different people to meet different needs. It would be exhausting and co-dependent to be someone's EVERYTHING. Maybe how you're describing it sounds a bit odd or dramatic, but in practice it sounds normal and healthy. Also, the urge to cut and run when someone gets annoying or the honeymoon phase is over sounds normal too. Long term marriages and friendships sometimes have periods where they're more work than fun. You push through and do the work or drop people. It doesn't sound like mental illness to me.

[Hunter's Moon]

I'm glad to know my feelings aren't out of the norm and perhaps this is just a normal stage in my life where I'll either choose to change some things or learn to like where I am.

[TianXiaXueXiao]

I feel the same way. It is NOT mental illness. I also have anxiety and a fractured family of origin. It is OK to show different sides of yourself to different people. My coffee house friends do not know me the way my childhood friends know me and those people don't know me the way my church family knows me. I don't think it's being fake because they would all likely describe the same personality traits that I possess but the content of conversations, interests, and experiences would vary wildly among those groups.

 

Reading your post made me think that you might benefit from Transactional Analysis or Gestalt therapy. You must find someone who is well trained in these styles to get the best outcome, but it is well worth the time and money. I can't recommend it highly enough. I know I still have a lot of work to do, but I found TA and Gestalt therapy very empowering and life changing. I hope you b find what you're looking for! God bless!

[Have kids -- will travel]

This does sound like it's all within the spectrum of normal. A therapist may be a good sounding board for you, but I wouldn't call it necessary.

 

FWIW, I believe we make a lot of our own happiness by choosing to ruminate on positive things rather than negative things. I have plenty of experience ruminating on negative things -- and the consequences of that -- and I've found life to be just so much better when I keep things positive.

 

Have you given thought to trying to be purposefully more "real" with the people in your life, particularly your husband and good friends? Perhaps they will surprise you by enjoying a more connected version of yourself. 

 

I'd just like to encourage you to avoid the "detatch and run" response from relationships. Isolating yourself can very easily lead to depression. Let some good friends in on the real you, focus on the positives, and make sure to get time for yourself. Hopefully, your feelings will change quickly.

[Ausmumof3]

I'll try to be as brief as possible. Please do not quote, as I may choose to delete later.

 

I feel as if there's a disconnect somewhere in my brain. I don't feel "real" most of the time. Different people get different "parts" of me. I can't think of one person whose seen all of my sides - not even my husband.

 

I remember feeling this was since age 10, perhaps? I was a very sensitive child (and still am sensitive), and some not-so-good things happened to my family and within it. We fell apart as a unit, and it's been that way since. I saw a few counselors, but even with them I couldn't bring myself to be real. I showed them what I thought they wanted to see.

 

I have trouble showing emotions but I feel them very strongly.

 

I'm a functional adult - married, full-time job, full-time student. But, I still feel as if my life is effected by this gaping disconnect.

 

I struggle to hang onto friendships. Not outwardly, I don't think, but inwardly I have to push myself to be that good friend. And it isn't my friends - they are truly wonderful. It's me and my constant urge to detach and run.

 

I'm not depressed. I do take anti-anxiety medication, however.

 

I'd really like to pursue therapy again. But I don't feel I've had luck with general counselors. I feel like I need a specialist in whatever my issues are. Someone who can tell when I'm being fake and call me on it. But I don't even know where to begin. I don't know who to look for or what type of help to even seek.

 

I mean, is this just my personaloty? Is it some kind of mental illness? Is it both, perhaps?

 

Thank you if you've read this far. I appreciate any guidance on this.

If there's something wrong with you there is something wrong with me too. I could have written most of what you did (other than the family history).

 

Some people are more guarded than others but I think everyone shares different parts of themselves with different people. And that's how it should be. My sis loves to hear all about homeschooling. My dh not so much. I can share some things with friends that I can't with family.

[Onceuponatime]

Normal. At least I hope it's normal because it sounds a lot like me, also. Hence the "navel gazer" title. It really is ok to be the only one who knows yourself completely, and you are not lying or being dishonest when you guard your innermost thoughts and feelings. You don't owe anyone your soul. Be kind to yourself, and try not to feel guilty about being you.

[ktgrok]

I feel that way, and yes, always have. I think most people do, but don't acknowledge it, to some extent. Like I'm always trying to fit some  external label, although the label changes from minute to minute. Like I'm acting out a part. But you know what, I think that's just how humans are wired in many ways....we want to "fit in" and belong, and the most comfortable way to do that is to be a certain way. The jock, the geek, the hippy, the smart one, the funny one, whatever. But in real life, people are more complicated than that, so whatever lable we are trying to be, it never fits fully. 

 

I'm happy, I have very little anxiety although I do tend to think people don't like me. No family trauma, but issues with friends at school when young that effected me. As I've grown up I've realized people DO like me, and more over, I've come to care less if they do anyway, so it isn't an issue anymore. I no longer go into a room thinking everyone likes everyone else more than me, but that took a LOT of time. Mostly, I learned that a lot of other people, who were well liked, had the same feeling, so I just realized that was normal. 

 

Not sure any of this helped, but there you go.

[sunflowerlady]

Much of that sounds like me. However, I do have depression and am taking medication which helps a lot.

[Pawz4me]

I can identify with what you posted.

 

I've always believed that we (humans in general) are different depending on who we're interacting with.  I interacted much differently with my mother than I do with my MIL.  I have three sisters in law, and I'm positive I come across differently to each one of them.  I think that naturally what we reveal of ourselves to other people depends on the nuances of how we feel about that person.  Some people we are more on guard with.  Some we're more relaxed with.  Some we have longer histories/shared experiences with than others.  All those things are going to affect what we show of ourselves to each of them.

 

As far as hanging on to friendships -- I'm an introvert who is perfectly happy being an introvert, and so nurturing friendships doesn't come naturally or easily for me.  I have to really, really work at it.  Perhaps that's what's going on with you?

 

I also feel emotions much more strongly inwardly than I show them outwardly.  Again, I think that's part of being an introvert.

 

In short, you sound normal to me.  The only thing that stands out to me is that you say you don't "feel real."  I can't say I've ever really experienced that, even though I understand presenting differently to different people.  If you really have a sense of not feeling "real," I think you probably could benefit from some counseling.

[lmrich]

It is normal, but find a good therapist anyway and then share her number with us! But seriously talking openly to a therapist could help resolve some of your worries.

[PrincessMommy]

If there's something wrong with you there is something wrong with me too. I could have written most of what you did (other than the family history).

 

Some people are more guarded than others but I think everyone shares different parts of themselves with different people. And that's how it should be. My sis loves to hear all about homeschooling. My dh not so much. I can share some things with friends that I can't with family.

 

I was thinking the same thing.

 

[Bluegoat]

I agree with the others, this is common.  I do think though there are things that make it worse or better.

 

One is really having a center to yourself, some place all those fractured bits seem to fit together.  Other people might not get them all, but you should.  But for most people, it really takes some work to get there, time spent, self-honesty.  Even willingness to feel sad or angry.  Some people can find that through prayer, maybe especially directed prayer at first, or meditation.  A lot of people find it helps to be quiet in nature.  I think if you can think back, and feel the moments when you have felt most centered, you can maybe get an idea what really works for you.

 

The other thing is lack of deep/long-term relationships and just community support - this could be through family or neighbours or whatever.  I think this is an epidemic in our society and its caused by the way we live - the way we move around so often, the way we build our homes and towns to prevent seeing or talking to people.  Studies on many kinds of depression have shown that in healthy close-knit communities, depression is a minor problem or sometimes doesn't even seem to happen much at all - even things like PPD which we like to think are the essence of an essentially  chemical problem..  I think that should be a wake up call to us as a society, but it seems to fly under the radar.

 

It takes time to develop those relationships, you have to see people, the same people, regularly, over long periods - that is most often where these interactions start.  But because we have made it difficult, people have to make a super-human effort to get these things going, which is really hard for an introvert.  But I would say it is actually essential to find a way to make the effort, and the most sensible way to start in many cases is just make a commitment that puts you in contact with people around you for several hours once or twice a week.

[texasmama]

As I read your OP, I wondered if you consider yourself what most would term "a people pleaser"?  That can drive of fear of being "real" or "known".

 

As I have gotten older, gone through a divorce (almost 20 years ago now), etc, I have felt less and less time and energy to guard myself and have gotten better at choosing relationships in which I can just "be" and be accepted.

 

I like the quote:  Stay away from people who make you feel that you are hard to love.

 

None of this may be relevant, but perhaps a bit of it causes you to think more deeply or reach an insight.  The gift of age and life experience is (if we are open to it) understanding, of ourselves and others.  I trust that you are on a path which will lead to some positive things in this regard.  Peace in your travels.

[KrissiK]

You sound like my DH. He's complained about that before. Pretty much exactly what you said. He also is very sensitive and wants to do what is right. Although he did have (and still has) a healthy family of origin. I don't know how to help him feel better. But I just want you to know that you are not alone.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Unabashedly Christian post here so don't keep reading if that bothers you:

 

 

 

 

 

The only one who knows me 100% - even more than I know myself (since we all have blind spots) is God.  And He loves me and accepts me.  I take comfort in that a lot.  

[kbutton]

I have had a lot of really long, dry spells without deep friendship. It's getting better. I have an unusual personality for a woman (though not on this board--lots of us INTJs here), but if you combine being a minority personality with trying circumstances (both logistically and on a personal level), few opportunities to be with people, etc., it can all seem like the deck is stacked against me. Meeting some people on this board (including some face-to-face) helped me feel connected when I didn't have a lot going for me with real life friendships, and then finally finding a new tribe in real life that I could talk to (having kids with special needs makes this difficult at times) has made a tremendous difference. In some cases, people I've known for a while that really didn't "get" why I was having a hard time have also come to realize what all was going on, and that has helped me reconnect with some folks from our old church that wanted to be there for me but just didn't understand at the time. 

 

As for feeling kind of unreal, I live in my head more intensely than I do in the moment. If I do too much of that, it makes me feel very strange. Doing something that physically connects me to my surroundings helps, esp. something like digging in the dirt. I can still be kind of spacey inside while exercising (physical but not very tangible)--it's like things are just moving around me. But going barefoot in the grass, planting flowers, pulling weeds, etc. really balances that all out. And honestly, studies have shown that touching and inhaling soil microbes are good for your brain and mood. Maybe that is part of what helps me. I think it also makes me feel more hemmed in in a good way rather than floating in a see of concrete, grass, and sky. We don't live in a prairie state, but compared to the hills, trees, and woods where I grew up, my current home area looks like a giant parking lot with landscaping. I find that I need more connection with plants and variety in my outdoor surroundings because of it. Going to a conservatory or arboretum is often a great way for me to feel more in touch with the world without getting poison ivy (which is rampant here).

[Amy in NH]

Depersonalization can occur as a result of trauma - it includes a feeling of not being real, or being disconnected from yourself.  Maybe that's what you're experiencing?

[Liz CA]

As I read your OP, I wondered if you consider yourself what most would term "a people pleaser"?  That can drive of fear of being "real" or "known".

 

 

This and perhaps early life experiences that you thought you needed to detach when things in your family got too painful and/or you felt you were only lovable when you showed certain behavior / characteristics?

 

We all have good and not so good tendencies inside of us. Integrating both, accepting who we are and committing to lifelong growth is every human's choice and challenge.

 

And I wanted to say you described it very well and are therefore probably ahead of the curve in realizing what is going on and evaluating it.

[Hunter's Moon]

I really appreciate the feedback. It helps to see that others feel the same way, and either experience it similarly to me or in different ways. 

 

Yes, I'm an introvert and a people pleaser. I'm definitely working on the people pleasing part of myself, but it feels so ingrained it's hard to overcome. 

 

I do want to be a "realer" person, but I struggle with finding my limits of realness, if that makes any sense. 

 

T.Wells -- Transactional analysis and Gestalt therapy sound interesting and right up my alley. I'll look into it further. Thanks. 

 

 

[Hunter's Moon]

This and perhaps early life experiences that you thought you needed to detach when things in your family got too painful and/or you felt you were only lovable when you showed certain behavior / characteristics?

 

We all have good and not so good tendencies inside of us. Integrating both, accepting who we are and committing to lifelong growth is every human's choice and challenge.

 

And I wanted to say you described it very well and are therefore probably ahead of the curve in realizing what is going on and evaluating it.

 

The bolded exactly. 

 

I still find myself struggling with these very thoughts.

 

I do think I spend more time thinking about this stuff than others I'm around, and this perhaps added to the feelings of "something must be wrong with me." 

[Hunter's Moon]

Depersonalization can occur as a result of trauma - it includes a feeling of not being real, or being disconnected from yourself.  Maybe that's what you're experiencing?

 

I definitely don't feel it goes to this extreme.

 

Thank you for bringing it up though -- I know I had heard of such a mental illness, but I couldn't quite remember the name. It's helpful to see where the lines of mental illness are drawn surrounding this issue (of feeling real and fake).