Tsuga Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 She appears not to like me and even to actively avoid speaking to me. She's 13. Should I just put up with it or do something? It has gotten worse over the past few months. She used to be mildly cheerful or vaguely not cheerful, but not personal. Now even when she's in a good mood she'll scowl at me. She stomps everywhere. I was 20 minutes late picking her up (I texted and apologized profusely) 2 months ago. It was a new swim schedule and I got stuck in traffic. I said I was sorry repeatedly. She said it was okay. Then about a month ago, my partner was snarky to me about something and we went in the house and I shut and locked the door while asking him not to be snarky to me. This turned into an argument ("I'm not snarky, you're snarky,") for about 3 minutes. She was very upset by this although there was no yelling or anything--we were working it out. But she was upset and left. I thought we were right to walk away and not argue in front of the kids. I gave her a nice birthday card and what I thought was a nice present, something she likes (so I thought). Every day I try to remain cheerful and I cook and clean and ask how her day was. Last night she was complaining about a teacher. If you can imagine, the teacher was apparently doing something uncool, and she was soliciting her dad's empathy for her scorn of this teacher's utter uncoolness. Her dad said, laughing, "I don't see the problem," and asked me if I saw a problem, and I said "it's almost as if she was trying to control the classroom?" I mean I just didn't get it and neither did he. Well, she was not happy with that answer and said that's not what she was trying to say. I don't know what she was trying to say--the teacher is ridiculous? I don't agree. Okay. We disagree. No surprise there. I just don't know if it's my job to put up with this or if I should try to reach out. My littles respect their dad (stepdad). I get that it's different because my kids are smaller so they can learn. I am these kids' third step-parent (mom and dad both had previous relationships of about 2 - 3 years) whereas he's my kids' only step parent. I don't know what to do. Thoughts? Will this just fade? Is this normal? I think she'd be furious if we went to counseling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathmarm Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 The only thing of possible value that I have to offer: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoPlaceLikeHome Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I would keep in mind she is 13 which is a notorious age for kid's acting difficult. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Closeacademy Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I've been on both sides. I think it is harder for a child to accept yet another step-parent by the time you get to third step-parent they not longer have faith that their parents will stay in a relationship so it's not worth really getting to know that person on more than a superficial level. I'd give her space. Some of it is also her age. Don't be mean to her or try to parent her. Just be there for her as a support and always take her side over her dad. It will make both of them happy. Hang in there. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I have a lot of thoughts, and not as much time, so will come back to post more. But if you haven't already, check out smoms.org. I haven't been there in a few years, but was one of the original members in 2000, and stayed till my skiddo became a young adult (he's 23 now). Cathryn, the founder, was a huge inspiration and help for me, esp getting through the teen years. Very supportive forum, and focused on creative problem solving. You may have to join to post, as I vaguely remember that we were all trying to find a way to make posting more private. Some of us had issues with skids and bio-moms reading our posts. But it's worth the time to join, and a great resource! More later. Step-parenting is hard! ETA: I just peeked at the smoms site, and it looks like there's a fee? Hmmmm. I'll be back with thoughts later, not sure when that happened, like I said - it's been a few years since I've been there! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Ok well, my daughter just turned 14 and the year she was 13 was a total nightmare and we could barely stand each other. We're still recovering., Things have been better for the past few months but from what you're talking about, I wouldn't freak out. I also wouldn't bend over backwards to make sure she likes you. Treat her well, be fair, assure her that you love her and are there for her, even when (especially when) she's being particularly difficult. But if she goes through a stage where she's more distant and doesn't like you, so be it. It's probably just a stage. Hugs and prayers. :) 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 This is so reassuring. I was hoping it was the age but unsure that maybe I was doing it totally wrong. I try to stay out of parenting esp. As her mom and dad are both involved and present. Thanks. I will continue to try to reach out and be myself but not lose sleep over her attitude. She has always been a good kid. Thanks. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Part of this is you can be a parent in a nuclear family containing two biological parents and be treated badly by a 13 yo. So, some of this is typical. Yes, some families managed to avoid moody teens and everybody gets along, but not everyone and understand it's OK to be in the "life's difficult" group and not your fault. We had a difficult 4 years with my oldest. It was bad at 13 and escalated through high school graduation. The other issue is if you are the 3rd step parent, from her perspective why should she respect or get attached to you. Her history suggests you won't be around. In fact, if you are around you could become a very good scapegoat for her for the next few years. I think you have to do your best to ignore a lot of the negative. Reach out, but don't expect a response--she just needs to know you are there. Do you what you need to do personally to reduce stress building up (exercise, meditation, personal project, whatever works to help you maintain your own sanity so you always have the energy stores to deal calmly and ignore when necessary). Seek out step parent support groups and get family counseling if things continue escalating. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Tough. She is 13 . And from her point of view you are the person standing between a reconciliation between her mother and father. It does not matter how unlikely or impossible this would be - kids often think in terms of obstacles to a perfect family life. She may not say it out loud or would deny it vehemently but it could still be percolating in her mind. I think I just would be very nice but not cater to her excessively. This could make your own kids resentful and would not help her either. Let her father do all the disciplining. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 This is so reassuring. I was hoping it was the age but unsure that maybe I was doing it totally wrong. I try to stay out of parenting esp. As her mom and dad are both involved and present. Thanks. I will continue to try to reach out and be myself but not lose sleep over her attitude. She has always been a good kid. Thanks. I became a step-mom to a 14yr old girl when I was in my late 20's, and had no children of my own. Then, I thought I had all the answers. :blush: Now, I look back and wish I had done things so much differently. I was mainly focused on the attitude, as well as a lot of negative behavior. Looking at it from the perspective of a mother, I wish I would have given her lots more compassion, understanding, and love. 13-14 is such a raw, confusing, tumultuous time where kids just want to be understood. Good luck to you! :grouphug: 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Is she the oldest child in the household? Snark, eye-rolling, moods, convictions about the hopeless un-cool-ness of... well, pretty much everyone over 30... is a fairly common phase that a fairly high percentage of teenagers go through. Not justifying it; it's exasperating for sure, just putting it in context. Mercifully, the phase is IME fairly short. If she's overall most of the time an overall good kid she'll come through the other side in due time. If both her parents are active/constructive in her life, I'd do my best to ignore any and all ignore-able behavior. (Personally I consider other people's eye-rolling to be eminently ignorable -- constructive and healthy and adaptive, even. You wanna roll your eyes at me? Rock on, honey. I've been known to roll some eyes myself... But YMMV) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I'm not trying to discount what is certainly very difficult... but... This is a hard age for ANY kid, girls especially, and this doesn't sound as extreme as what I went through the year my step dd was 12. And for what it's worth, I was my step dd's only step parent and she knew me from the time she was 2 and a half and I was her most involved parent. At 12 my step dd complained about things I did constantly, and did as much as she could to cause trouble between me and her father and me and her birth mother who she visited every other weekend. She really did her best to derail our whole family all the time. I thought she would out grow some of her devious behavior, but she did not. She lived with us for a horrible three months last year and she did the same things at the age of 25. She tried to turn everyone against everyone and my relationship with my youngest dd is only now fully recovering from the deliberate damage the oldest did to it... So does it help to know it could be worse, lol? Honestly, the poor girl did not ask to be born to parents who would divorce, but that does not give her a ticket to treat other people badly. There is the rub. Bad things happen to everyone, but empathy is important. You need to insist that she is moderately respectful to you because the younger children are looking to her example. I tried my very hardest with my step dd but sometimes what you put in does not equal what you get out. Love anyway. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 You need to insist that she is moderately respectful to you because the younger children are looking to her example. Even this can have limits. My middle dc knows oldest got away with some horrible stuff because the alternative would have made the rest of us suffer more than we already were. The result is middle is mostly a respectful child who does seek her parents for advice and comfort and feels a strong support. The other good thing is middle and oldest do seem to have a decent sibling relationship now that they are older (17 and 20), despite huge differences in how they interact with parents. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ebrindam Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Are you actually married? You refer to him as your partner and not spouse, so I'm not sure. If not, possibly a discussion about family is in order? (And possibly, if not married...a move toward commitment may make a difference. Sometimes kids are very uncomfortable with gf/bf living together). 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Just keep trying. Be consistently loving. Set healthy boundaries (she doesn't get to walk all over you). :grouphug: Being a stepmom is SO hard!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WagsWife Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 As someone who had a great relationship with my step-mom, but a very poor relationship with my step-dad at 13...and as the mother of girls who have been 13, I will give you some of my thoughts. First 13 is HARD--for the parent AND the 13 year old. My girls could be snots at times...and I am quite sure I was one at 13 as well. So, like others have said, what you are seeing from your SD is probably her age. I could not stand my step father. I am sure that some of it was me being a snot, but the way he conducted himself did not help--at all. He was constantly flexing his authority over me. He disciplined me, assigned chores, decided what I could and could not do, and if my mother and I were working though something, he would put himself in the middle. My step-mom, on the other hand did NONE of the above. She did not try to parent me at all. I can't even say that she tried to be my friend...she was just there. There when I needed her. When she saw that I needed something, she loaded me up in the car, and we went shopping. Never in a "buying" me kind of way...just in a "you need more shirts, let's go to the mall"--or "have you seen the new style in jeans? Let's go get you a pair." She never diciplined me, she let my dad do that. If my dad and I were in a disagreement she either stayed totally out of it, or advocated for me. She never one time said anything negative about my mom--even when I was really frustrated with things my mom was doing. She was always available to listen, would ask about my day. She would bring me home small things she knew I liked (she bought me a romance book to celebrate getting my license). She decided that I needed experiences...so she started taking me (and sometimes my friends) to her favorite restaurants. She taught me how to appreciate good Tex-Mex food, what *real Italian food was, and how to crack crab legs. She took me to my first (and only) concert. My step-mom was put in a hard position--and she handled it perfectly. All that to say--my advice: don't take the attitude you are getting personally, and don't try to duplicate a role that has already been filled. Make a new role for yourself. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I'm not a stepparent, but I did have an absolutely horrible stepmother. She did everything she could to keep us out of our dad's life, including lies and manipulation horrible. If you're not married, and you're the third woman in her dad's life, she's not only looking at you as if you're an obnoxious part of her life, she's considering that you're a temporary obnoxious part of her life. Hormones are running amok, she feels like she's an adult but she has absolutely no power over her life. Her parents have repeatedly made dumb decisions. Her teacher was obnoxious but no one was on her side. I guarantee you she has no idea how obnoxious she's being. Recently My Father the Hero was added to Netflix and I watched it again. I loved that movie when I was a teenager. I totally identified with Katherine Heigl's character, I found her parents to be horrible and selfish, and I totally got her desire to impress the older boy by feigning being older and more sophisticated than she was. So when we watched it again I was expecting to feel the same - I was expecting the parents to be obnoxious and unreasonable and selfish, and instead I saw normal (though divorced) parents and an obnoxious bratty teenager. My DD, however, was enthralled. So, give her a large degree of grace. Be her friend. Try to see her side in every situation, even when she's wrong. Don't be defensive or take things personally. Stick around for more than 5 years. Get married. Figure out her love language and feed her with it, daily. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 It is very common for step moms to have problems with step daughters and stepfathers to have problems with step sons. It has been true in my own life (both ways). I love Wagswife's advice above. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sdel Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Assuming she primarily lives with her mother, the first thing to ask is, what is her mother like? If this is just typical teen turdiness or a real problem brewing will be dependent on if her mother is a normal person or one of the hateful crazies... Stefanie 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 My step-mom, on the other hand did NONE of the above. She did not try to parent me at all. I can't even say that she tried to be my friend...she was just there. There when I needed her. When she saw that I needed something, she loaded me up in the car, and we went shopping. Never in a "buying" me kind of way...just in a "you need more shirts, let's go to the mall"--or "have you seen the new style in jeans? Let's go get you a pair." She never diciplined me, she let my dad do that. If my dad and I were in a disagreement she either stayed totally out of it, or advocated for me. She never one time said anything negative about my mom--even when I was really frustrated with things my mom was doing. She was always available to listen, would ask about my day. She would bring me home small things she knew I liked (she bought me a romance book to celebrate getting my license). She decided that I needed experiences...so she started taking me (and sometimes my friends) to her favorite restaurants. She taught me how to appreciate good Tex-Mex food, what *real Italian food was, and how to crack crab legs. She took me to my first (and only) concert. My step-mom was put in a hard position--and she handled it perfectly. All that to say--my advice: don't take the attitude you are getting personally, and don't try to duplicate a role that has already been filled. Make a new role for yourself. This sounds like what I was trying to suggest but I know it's much harder than it sounds. Wag's Wife's stepmom seems to have understood what was important. I am glad to hear some success stories in the step-parenting world. Here is a link for tips on parenting: http://www.cbn.com/family/Parenting/newlife_stepfamily.aspx Disclaimer: It's written by a Christian and I think you have indicated you are not - but some basic principles may still hold true for your family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 Thanks everyone. To clarify: We are not married, intentionally so. We have explained as best as possible to the children that this is a philosophical view of marriage; we view it as a religious contract and as we are not religious, we do not engage in it. We do have rings. Both of our exes are religious. Both have been divorced more than once and are in another relationship. (Mine, only after I got together with my now partner.) There is so much divorce on that side of the family that I do not think we are going to make it up to these kids with one more piece of paper. I know, I know... it's a promise, not a paper, but what is a promise? We really want to model everyday forgiveness, affection, love, compassion, sacrifice, and joy. Every day. Just sticking it out through everything. Talking through disagreements and then making one another coffee in the morning. That kind of thing, which they do not get at their mom's house. (And my kids never got to see at their dad's house.) Be her friend. Well... most of the advice in this thread I can go with or at least understand, but this is not going to happen. I don't have 13 year old friends, per se. We are family. I'm a step parent. I'm not going to try to be anybody's friend. I don't know that that's healthy. I most certainly will continue to respect all of the kids. Her teacher was obnoxious but no one was on her side. She thought her teacher was obnoxious for repeatedly asking the class to focus on the assignment instead of standing up and walking around. "She kept repeating 'stop it' like anyone would care," were more or less her words. Honestly, I do not find that obnoxious and I don't empathize with that attitude, and I don't think it's an adult's job to empathize with it. She can have her opinion and go unopposed but if she asks for validation it is not our job to tell her she's right, you know? Though I will try to be more neutral in the future. I did ask my partner not to ask me to back him up if he gets into it with her. It's not fair. He hasn't done that in the past, but I think he thought it was light banter... apparently not. So does it help to know it could be worse, lol? ... You need to insist that she is moderately respectful to you because the younger children are looking to her example. It does help. I appreciate all the stories. Re: insisting: I will say that she is definitely moderately respectful. It's more a general malaise that I am worried is my fault, than outright anger or disrespect. That said, my first is a passionate kid who IS disrespectful at times, and it's been VERY hard dealing with her and I do worry that she is taking notes on how to act sullen. But that's a different story, a different kid. :) Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Moms of the world, unite. I'm going to have a glass of wine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Honestly, she doesn't sound much different than many 13 year old girls I know :) *hugs* 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 Assuming she primarily lives with her mother, the first thing to ask is, what is her mother like? If this is just typical teen turdiness or a real problem brewing will be dependent on if her mother is a normal person or one of the hateful crazies... Stefanie I think there's a pretty wide spectrum between normal and hateful crazies and we are probably both (me and her mom, not to mention most of the adults we know) somewhere in the middle, trying to be as normal as possible. I won't say more than that. ;) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I will say don't completely out rule trying to be a friend. I am the mom, a parent, and still a friend to both my teen dds. I find them to be a joy and fun to be around. I remember thinking, before I had teens, that I would not be their friend (because I'm the adult and parent, dang it) but I am extremely happy to say that my views changed. There are still many moments they do not like me but there are just as many moments they talk with me about things I never imagined. When someone says be a friend, it doesn't mean to stop being a parent. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sdel Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I think there's a pretty wide spectrum between normal and hateful crazies and we are probably both (me and her mom, not to mention most of the adults we know) somewhere in the middle, trying to be as normal as possible. I won't say more than that. ;) Yep....my stepsons and ex-wife are particularly heinous though.....and we've all had our moments. But really, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If mom is generally respectful of you and your partner, you are way ahead of the game and it is most likely "normal teen". Stefanie 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I have a 12 year old DD. No step any things. Some days her attitude is almost more than I can handle. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mschickie Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 From my experience with my sd I would also say to look at her friends. We started noticing a change in sd's personality and her respect level in the 7th/ 8th grade. It came to a head the following year in 9th grade when we discovered her with a cell phone she was not supposed to have. That led to us learning a lot about the friends she had in school and what was going on in the school. That is when we pulled her from ps and started hs'ing her. Within a year folks were starting to comment on the difference in sd and by the time she graduated she told us she wished we hs'ed her all through and she recognized how the kids she was hanging with in school were not great influences. Now I am not saying this is going on with your sd but it is something to just keep an eye out for. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okra Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Thanks everyone. She thought her teacher was obnoxious for repeatedly asking the class to focus on the assignment instead of standing up and walking around. "She kept repeating 'stop it' like anyone would care," were more or less her words. Honestly, I do not find that obnoxious and I don't empathize with that attitude, and I don't think it's an adult's job to empathize with it. She can have her opinion and go unopposed but if she asks for validation it is not our job to tell her she's right, you know? Though I will try to be more neutral in the future. I did ask my partner not to ask me to back him up if he gets into it with her. It's not fair. He hasn't done that in the past, but I think he thought it was light banter... apparently not. Okay, this is interesting. I think in this particular situation, with trying to work on a relationship between step-mom and 13 year old. It's really not about who is right or wrong. So, maybe you and your husband are right. I would not even go there. Instead of trying to prove you were right in this situation (which you very well might have been), if you want to improve the relationship, then just try to see things from her perspective. Maybe, From 13 year old's perspective a "good" teacher walks around and makes certain kids are focusing. There are many possible ways a conversation can turn at this point, where you do not have to be the one who is right. Especially, if the issue is something as "small" as this one. IMHO, the relationship is more important than who is right. Don't try to prove your point, or try to change her mind in these small situations. Seeing something from her point of view will help the relationship more. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 I agree that it is inappropriate to change her POV on this and I do not know that we tried to do so in that three line conversation. I also doubt that dialogue would have been perceived as empathetic--she is not stupid, so she knows anything other than a "oh yes that IS annoying" means we aren't on the same page. I think I will work harder at saying vague things like, "TGIF!" and "I see." I have a lot of empathy for her regarding many situations and I do not want to devalue that by being less than genuine when we don't see eye to eye. She is perceptive and smart. She's not going to be impressed by me going through a parenting dialogue exercise. I could even see her saying something tongue in cheek like "Good job validating my concerns." If it came off as less than genuine. And I wouldn't blame her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I think I will work harder at saying vague things like, "TGIF!" and "I see." This is a good skill to cultivate with all 13-year-old girls, not just the stepkid kind. It reminds me of something I read once about conversing with young children. You won't convince them that their perception is wrong, because to them, perception is their whole world. Someday they'll understand, and until then, unless their safety is in jeopardy, you can smile and nod affirmingly. Or at least don't respond in a way that seems like you're making fun of them, even if you're really, really not. (And I know you weren't.) Also, if you look up "13-year-old girl" in the dictionary, I'm pretty sure the primary definition is "A state of general malaise." It most definitely comes with the age. Just hang in there :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 Yesterday my 15 yo ds pumped gas for me. When he got back in the car he said, " I wonder if I could light my hands on fire from the gas fumes.?" Ok, first he doesn't have a lighter. Second I don't think he is stupid enough to try that. But hey third I am a parent and have to be sure he isn't going to try it. So I did a mild eye roll and said, let's not be trying that. He was annoyed at me. He said, "you are no fun. Too serious" :(. Made me sad. But oh well. He is 15. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 Yesterday my 15 yo ds pumped gas for me. When he got back in the car he said, " I wonder if I could light my hands on fire from the gas fumes.?" Ok, first he doesn't have a lighter. Second I don't think he is stupid enough to try that. But hey third I am a parent and have to be sure he isn't going to try it. So I did a mild eye roll and said, let's not be trying that. He was annoyed at me. He said, "you are no fun. Too serious" :(. Made me sad. But oh well. He is 15. sometimes you have to be the voice of "no fun" just to be sure. Some guy died last weekend lighting himself on fire at a nearby gas station. When I heard the story, I thought doesn't everyone know not to use a lighter at a gas station? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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