How to politely disengage?

[Shelly in IL]

Long story, I'll try to be brief. This will be a JAWM, as I don't want chastised for my opinion about protecting my son.. Last Saturday (6days ago) I was walking my dog. We recently moved and don't know many people- and know zero kids. A girl walked onto my walk and I easily caught her ( not intentionally) due to different paces. I saw she was holding a garbage bag and thanked her for picking up trash.

 

We chatted easily and she petted my dog. She mentioned that she was 15 (like my son), recently changed schools, and did t know anyone in the neighborhood. I said that we also didn't know anyone. I invited her to meet my son, she came to the house, met my son and they chatted easily. He took her down to show her the creek behind our house after we sat and chatted all together for approx. 20 minutes.

 

Problem...she asked for my text number and has now started texting me regularly. Twice walking home from our home the first day, a couple times the next day for Mother's Day well wishings, and every day since. I've got some major boundary issues going off and momma red flags that this girl is so needy. She made comments about wanting us to come to the play she's in, because she really wants "someone she cares about" at the play. We've only met once!

 

Today, my son told me that she confided in him that day. Said the reason she left the previous school is because she was raped. Told him about it, but nothing graphic. I'm thinking she needs to talk and I don't want my son to act as her counselor. She needs a professional! My son is very nice and listened to her (that once!) but he is an innocent and hasn't been exposed to all the experiences the typical public school kid sees and hears. He doesn't need to be in this position!

 

So, in the act of trying to reach out, I really opened a can of worms for my son. Thankfully he has never given her contact info, but she has managed to get him On Facebook. How do I step away from this gracefully? On one hand, I feel like she probably needs us, but on the other, I want to protect my son, and I don't want this poor needy thing over here and texting me every day. She has expressed interest in my son (to him) and the whole thing makes me want to back away. Any suggestionson how to back away without hurting her feelings too much?

 

ETA that she also told him that she fell into the wrong crowd and that was where this happened. I totally feel for the girl, but this is not a good situation to put my son in.

[OneStepAtATime]

No good suggestions, but  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: .  Tough place to be.

[purplejackmama]

Wow. Um, whoa! No good suggestion. I'm not sure how I would handle this.

[Jenrae]

I sure hope someone with counseling experience will see this and chime in with some advice.

 

 

I have no idea how you could just say "we no longer want to speak to you", but some of these may work as a gradual way of detering her attachment.

 

 

1. telling her that you really prefer to only use texting in an urgent situation as it uses your minutes and you are quite busy. Hopefully this will put an end to her interactions and clingyness

 

2. anytime she drops by, if your son is home alone he needs to just be busy, and NEVER invite her in.

 

3. When she drops by and you are home, you could just tell her that you all are very busy and now is not a good time. Eventually, she will get the message.

 

 

Of course you could just be very direct and tell her that your son shared about her situation and that you and he both are very uncomfortable that she shared it with him considering they just met, but it sounds like she needs someone to talk to and you know just the person. You could tell her you know of a local counselor and offer to share that information with her mother and see what her reaction is.

 

This is just my two cents......at the moment. I may view it differently after pondering it some more.

[WTMCassandra]

Unfortunately, while Jenrae's advice is good for "normal" people, I sadly don't think this girl is "normal." I don't think she will get hints or understand after a few times of you being "busy."

 

I think you will have to be direct. This doesn't mean you need to be unkind, but, something like, "I know you've been through a lot. It's not normal to glom on to people you just met like you did with us. This can cause you to get hurt more. I think you need to see a counselor, not us. They are the ones who can help you."

 

If you want to, you could offer to help her find one and take her to the first visit. But you'd have to be firm in telling her you will have to bow out after that. 

[MomatHWTK]

I think you really did open the door when you engaged so deeply by inviting her over right away.  I totally understand wanting to shelter your DS.  But, at the same time, he's 3 years away from adulthood.  Many kids are already talking about and doing things that he probably doesn't know about, are watching on TV, reading about it in the news and chatting about it on social media. 

 

I can absolutely see where boundaries are needed in this situation because you don't want to feel responsible for this girl's happiness.  However, I think you need to separate that issue from the issue of protecting your son from worldly information.  This interaction may be a wake up call to you that if he is going to meet kids his own age and have friends, he's going to hear about these types of things. I know I was stunned at some of the things the teens/tweens at our church knew and talked about very casually.  We knew about that stuff when I was a kid, but we sure weren't so open about talking about it. KWIM? 

[Little Nyssa]

I would want to meet her parents/family.

[Aiden]

Of course you could just be very direct and tell her that your son shared about her situation and that you and he both are very uncomfortable that she shared it with him considering they just met, but it sounds like she needs someone to talk to and you know just the person. You could tell her you know of a local counselor and offer to share that information with her mother and see what her reaction is.

 

 

If you're going to disengage entirely, this is the route I would take.

[kroe1]

Your DS has now learned to always be leery of anyone who tells intimate life details when first meeting. You have learned to never give out your phone number to strangers except good looking plumbers. It is all good.

 

In the meantime, you will need to tell this girl exact boundaries, I.e. text once a week, once a month, or never, whatever you can tolerate. It sounds like you are planning to do this anyway.

 

Sorry this happened to you and sorry to the girl who may be alienating everyone she meets.

 

Hugs

[Shelly in IL]

Just curious- those who have said not to protect your son - do you have sons? I'm very worried about protecting them also from being falsely accused of sexual misconduct. I don't know if this girl was actually raped. She didn't tell me, so I didn't see her delivery (not that that would necessarily help). What if that is her cry for attention??? What if she's "off" and is rejected by my son and says something about him - in a sexual misconduct way?

 

I'm very sensitive to this right now. My eldest son protected a drunk girl from unwanted sexual advances from another guy at college this year. Since he protected her, she put her attention onto him. He tried to be her friend, and she told him she was raped while drunk another time. She wanted a boyfriend, my son didn't want a girlfriend. She went off on him for not returning her affection, told people he was bad (almost got him beaten up - for not liking her back - he never touched or kissed her). She is a cutter, he later found out, and she was lamenting him, while cutting publicly at a party. This is all sad for the girl, but I'm glad my son made it out without getting harmed by her. She told another guy - this is just like that "other situation," she meant he left her, the guy misinterpreting that he raped her. He went and got a group of guys to hurt my son. Someone intervened and the girl said that My son never touched her and explained her meaning. If she wasn't there he could have been seriously hurt!

 

This is what is coloring my issue with my 15 year old. I'm sorry for the girl, but just because my son is old enough to have a friend like this, doesn't mean he should actively participate in her problems. Yes, I caused it, but a casual meeting ONE time shouldn't mean we're on the hook for all of this. My 15 year old certainly is aware of the world - we talk about everything, he's very active outside of home and school and has tons of friends. It's different when it's your neighborhood and you can't escape it.

[marbel]

I understand your desire to protect your son.   He should never be alone with the girl. 

 

You need to meet her parents!  I think I would meet with one or the other parent and talk to them.  "I met your daughter the other day.  She has met my son and I'm afraid she confided a personal matter to him which made him uncomfortable. She seems to want a close relationship with us and we are not able to provide for that right now...."  Or some such.

 

Honestly I would not feel good about my teen daughter going to a stranger's house and hanging out with them without my knowledge.  Maybe I'm overly cautious, but even with teens I want parents to know (and approve) if a kid is in my house. And I want to know where my kids are.  I don't necessarily have to have met them, but I want them to know about it and be OK with it. 

[Garga]

Unfortunately, while Jenrae's advice is good for "normal" people, I sadly don't think this girl is "normal." I don't think she will get hints or understand after a few times of you being "busy."

 

I think you will have to be direct. This doesn't mean you need to be unkind, but, something like, "I know you've been through a lot. It's not normal to glom on to people you just met like you did with us. This can cause you to get hurt more. I think you need to see a counselor, not us. They are the ones who can help you."

 

If you want to, you could offer to help her find one and take her to the first visit. But you'd have to be firm in telling her you will have to bow out after that.

I would tell her directly. I don't like the indirect approach for myself. I know that some prefer it, but to me, it's more hurtful to find out that people have been stringing you along and secretly wishing you'd go away then to be told exactly what the issue is right away.

 

I recently had someone string me along with something and later found out that my behavior was upsetting them. It made me feel foolish. If the person had been upfront with me I'd have been momentarily embarrassed but could have immediately changed the situation. Now I look back and see how I was irritating them time after time after time without knowing it.

 

So, rather than being busy or saying, "Um..only text me once a month.." and hope she gets bored and goes away, tell her directly that the relationship won't work and she needs a professional counsellor.

[Miss Tick]

My experience with people like this says that you are going to have to be direct. We would like to be able to resolve things politely and discreetly, but as WTMCassandra said, that really only works with other people that share the same boundaries add we do. Be firm and clear and follow through. "We can no longer have contact with you." Then don't respond except to repeat that message.

 

I don't feel like I knew anybody like this before high school, and now I've become a bit paranoid that they are everywhere.

[KungFuPanda]

Definitely talk to her parents. Can you imagine another family getting involved with your child and nobody telling you? They need to know if for some strange reason she hasn't told them about you.

[Shelly in IL]

So I don't know her mother AT ALL. I don't even know where they live. I get the whole talk to her parents and that sounds like a great idea, but we've met the girl once. To meet her mother, I would have to pursue more contact with the girl. . Clearly her parents know about her rape - if that actually happened- that's why she had to switch schools. Do I really have to be at that level after one meeting? I'm conflicted.....

[JustEm]

So I don't know her mother AT ALL. I don't even know where she lives. I get the whole talk to her parents and that sounds like a great idea, but we've met the girl once. To meet her mother, I would have to pursue more contact with the girl. . Clearly her parents know about her rape - if that actually happened- that's why she had to switch schools. Do I really have to be at that level after one meeting? I'm conflicted.....

But it's not simply just one meeting. You also gave her your number which indicated to her that you were interested in a relationship. I would be furious if some stranger was giving my teenager their number after meeting them once in order to have a relationship with them without my knowledge. You started a relationship with a minor of whom you know nothing about and who's parents you don't know. I believe you owe it to her parents to get them involved.

[marbel]

I was talking about this with my daughter and husband this morning. After talking to them and clarifying my own thoughts I realize I was too mushy in my earlier response.  My daughter was appalled that the girl went to someone's house and spent time with them without her parent(s)' knowledge.  My husband said he'd be upset either way - if I had brought an unknown minor into the house without her parent(s)' consent, or if our kid had gone to a house under those circumstances. 

 

Next time the girl contacts you, tell her you need to meet her parents.  Even if you don't want to continue the relationship you should let the parents know what is going on.

[Shelly in IL]

She was picking up garbage for school service hours. That's how it happened that I gave her my number. I did not have my phone with me and she asked me to call her if I needed chores done to help her out with service hours. I told her I didn't have my phone and she took my number to call so I'd have her number. She kept it and used it. Just to clarify, I was not actively seeking out a phone relationship with this girl.

 

Yes, I understand about the parents. I just really didn't want to go there, but I suppose I'll have to :(

 

Yuck, just yuck. How common is this whole rape thing? Do I live under a rock? Just seems crazy that both boys have come across this in just a couple months! I'm so sorry for the girl, but I just can't open up that Pandora's box. :(

[KungFuPanda]

So I don't know her mother AT ALL. I don't even know where they live. I get the whole talk to her parents and that sounds like a great idea, but we've met the girl once. To meet her mother, I would have to pursue more contact with the girl. . Clearly her parents know about her rape - if that actually happened- that's why she had to switch schools. Do I really have to be at that level after one meeting? I'm conflicted.....

It's a safety issue for the girl. If she's in the habit of being too trusting of strangers her parents need to be informed immediately before she enters the wrong house. They might reasonable assume that she has developed a sense of her own safety after what happened, but clearly she has not. You have her phone number. Call and ask to speak to her mother. Her parents my have no idea she went into your house the day she met you.

 

This girl has no reason to believe YOU have boundaries. The day you met her you gave her your number, brought her home, and introduced you to your son. All that is on the same level as her impulse to trust too quickly. She thinks she found a kindred spirit and SOME perfectly healthy friendships do start out that way. If you set up strict boundaries now, she's going to know you're pulling away because of what happened to her. This is WHY people spend time getting to know someone before bringing them home or sharing numbers.

[Plink]

The best way to get rid of needy new acquaintance is to ignore them.  She texts, you delete.  She stops by, you are busy.  She calls, you say it isn't a good time to talk.  Yes it is rude and her feelings may get hurt, but if you don't want a relationship don't build one. 

 

Said very kindly and with the intention of helping: I can't imagine in the space of 20 minutes meeting a young girl, inviting her into my house without her parents' knowledge, leaving her alone with my teenage son, and sharing my phone number.  You may want to reconsider your own openness with unfamiliar kids.  I'm so sorry that you have to deal with the fall-out.

[Shelly in IL]

Yes. Major lesson learned. We just moved here from our farm. I am not used to kids who are not homeschooled. Naïveté on my part for sure and overt stupidity obviously. Although in typing it surely sounds much worse than it was, I assure you. They were outside at the creek in my backyard. Very close to my home. Not private, just out of earshot. I gave her my phone number so it would be on my phone to help her with service hours for her Christian school, which she was out working towards when I met her walking. In.Front.of.my.house. No grand conspiracy to whisk her away to my house, we were already there! So I guess I shouldn't be polite and welcoming to strange kids. Got it, check! Lesson is definitely learned. Guess I learned the hard way about living in a neighborhood.

[marbel]

Yes. Major lesson learned. We just moved here from our farm. I am not used to kids who are not homeschooled. Naïveté on my part for sure and overt stupidity obviously. Although in typing it surely sounds much worse than it was, I assure you. They were outside at the creek in my backyard. Very close to my home. Not private, just out of earshot. I gave her my phone number so it would be on my phone to help her with service hours for her Christian school, which she was out working towards when I met her walking. In.Front.of.my.house. No grand conspiracy to whisk her away to my house, we were already there! So I guess I shouldn't be polite and welcoming to strange kids. Got it, check! Lesson is definitely learned. Guess I learned the hard way about living in a neighborhood.

 

There's nothing wrong with being polite and welcoming to kids you don't know!  And it's great that you want to help her with her service hours.   It's just that at her age her parents should know about it.  

 

[happi duck]

What happened to your older ds is scary and I understand that it colors your experience.

 

Imo, she's acting 15.

 

Your word choices about this girl are loaded. You are the one who engaged too quickly and you're shifting it all to this girl.

 

Re: Facebook...your son will either accept or dismiss her friend request, follow or ignore her posts. If you have a strong opinion on what he should do, deal with him. Does he know about his brother? If so he'll understand.

 

Re:texting

Next time she texts be direct. "I dont plan on texting. I've got your number now. I'll let you know if I come up with anything for your service hours."

 

You ended up in a tough spot. You can be direct without being mean. I do think it will help if you can stop assuming needy motives for this girl.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

How does your son feel about the situation? At 15 I would take his opinion into account. (I have a 15 year old son)

[Shelly in IL]

Son gets it. We've Spoken with him. He's not interested. Have only responded to her texts late and very concise and Distantly. She is needy. Can't help but call it that and I can't help my feelings about it. I made a mistake -got that too. Done being criticized. Got the lesson. Thank you.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Son gets it. We've Spoken with him. He's not interested. Have only responded to her texts late and very concise and Distantly. She is needy. Can't help but call it that and I can't help my feelings about it. I made a mistake -got that too. Done being criticized. Got the lesson. Thank you.

Personally, I think I would've been just as nice when first meeting. I hope you still will in general.

 

As for being needy, a lot of 15 year olds are. By 15, many have already been through some rough stuff. Puberty and hormones complicate it more.

 

It's okay to completely disengage if you are uncomfortable and your son has no interest in friendship with the girl.

 

* as a side note. I hate when my boy's friends text my phone all the time.

[Shelly in IL]

Deleted

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Yes. Major lesson learned. We just moved here from our farm. I am not used to kids who are not homeschooled.

 

This is not to criticize or 'pile on' concerning the general situation, but I just want to say that it's not a school issue. Some of the most boundary-less kids I've ever known, who were emotionally needy, relationally inappropriate, or lacking the counseling and help they seemed to require, were homeschooled.

[Shelly in IL]

Thank you for that comment about school issues. The boys' friends at this age (15) have not been sexually active - consensual or otherwise - at least they are not saying so to our guys. I am fairly certain of that, as I know the kids and their parents. Being fairly self assured sports guys, they have not attracted needy friends. I volunteered him for this one. So my fault. Good to remember that things happen in all realms.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Why are  you being so defensive?  No one thinks you're a bad person.  But you can't fix the situation without understanding how your choices impacted the situation to begin with.  No one thinks that you should put your son in a dangerous situation.  But we are going to have a variety of ways that we might approach the situation even though we all agree that it must be approached in some way.  Choose the solution that you like.  But realize that some solutions will be more likely to allow things to continue.  

[Shelly in IL]

Because I am hurt and embarassed and shocked to be in this situation. Yes I see I caused it, but a great mood because my husband was coming home from the Middle East, my son was coming home from college, beautiful weather, and a song in my heart caused me to be carefree and non thinking. I'm feeling stupid to be in this position. Sorry I'm coming across defensive. It should come across as me feeling and looking careless and stupid! And I'm particularly cautious now about girls who have been raped due to my elder son's experience. All that combined makes me want to pull back and disappear.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[MomatHWTK]

I think the more forceful responses are coming in response to your inquiry about people having sons.  The question, via internet without inflection, came across as "Well, if you had sons, you'd worry..."  I have 3 sons.  I have a husband.  As far as protection, I wasn't discussing protecting my son from a specific interaction- because letting him be alone with a 15 year old girl he just met is not something I'd allow.  S*# not even being a consideration, this child could have all kinds of habits, ideas, and knowledge that I'd want to know more about before doing hang out alone time.  I realize that I could be fooled, but I can at least be on alert.

 

The kids are doing this stuff.  That is what we are trying to tell you.  It is a good thing that you have been able to keep your kids out of it until now.  I have kept mine out of the fray too.  But for them to not be aware is, IMO, dangerous. 

 

I also feel sorry for the girl.  She felt welcome and safe, revealed something about herself and may be rejected as a result.  That will hurt her. 

[Plateau Mama]

I understand your desire to protect your son. He should never be alone with the girl.

 

Not just this girl but any girl (with a few exceptions, very few). We do not allow our children, or even ourselves to be alone with someone of the opposite sex that is not our family. It wasn't an idea that was ever talked about in my family and looking back I wish it had been. It was a rule my husband grew up with and is very firm about. This even applies to deliveries/repair men if it can be helped.

 

Its for the safety of the girls and its to protect the guys against false accusations.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Not just this girl but any girl (with a few exceptions, very few). We do not allow our children, or even ourselves to be alone with someone of the opposite sex that is not our family. It wasn't an idea that was ever talked about in my family and looking back I wish it had been. It was a rule my husband grew up with and is very firm about. This even applies to deliveries/repair men if it can be helped.

 

Its for the safety of the girls and its to protect the guys against false accusations.

 

Do you worry about non-heterosexual protection and potential false accusation as well? I've always been curious about that, when I hear of this policy, but never remembered to ask until now.

 

This is not a "should" for everyone. This is not appropriate proscriptive advice for most families.

[MercyA]

  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

You sound like a very nice person, Shelly.  Hoping you can get this worked out with as little awkwardness as possible.

[Paige]

I think you are transferring your feelings about the girl your older son was involved in onto this new girl, and it's causing more stress and concern than it normally would. There is no reason to think that she will act in any way like the other girl. Being needy and having trauma in her past, does not automatically mean she will turn into a stalker.

 

I have a son, but he's only 13. Maybe I'd feel differently in a few years, but I think I'd ignore the girl's texts to my phone. I may send something back to her about how I'm not much of a texter and rarely check them- which is true for me- and then quit responding. For DS, I'd let him deal with it the way he wants. It sounds like he's not interested in her, so it should be fairly easy for him to create some distance.  

 

I don't think you did anything wrong, but neither is the girl doing anything wrong. She's acting like a typical 15yr old and you have acted like a normal friendly person and concerned parent. 

[Pen]

It seems like it might help to have contact with the girl's parents, and then if you all choose to have some sort of friendships that there needs to be a rule that the teens cannot be alone together, nor the children alone with just one other parent to prevent actual problems, allegations, misunderstandings, and so on.

 

 

I think if she texted again I'd text a request for the parental contact info.

 

 

And can you be honest and say you just met each other as fellow members of a neighborhood, but you are not ready to be special best friends, go to school programs and so on. That you are sorry,  but also you are expecting your DH home from abroad and you don't have the time for other extra obligations at the moment. That maybe if both families get to know each other that some time in future such a thing would be possible.  

 

Or some other honest and kind explanation that would tend to cool things off?

[Orthodox6]

No proof of the girl's truthfulness without asking her parents.

 

Were it my family, I would make all social media accounts watertight against her. I would block texts from her and, if necessary, change phone numbers. As for plays and other events, she has parents to attend those. I would not answer the door if I knew it were she.

 

Sounds harsh, maybe. I have had too many experiences with invasive people to let it happen again. This may just be an unfortunate result of urban living for sixty years.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I'd be cautious when talking to the parents, she may not have told them everything she shared.  In many families, that is not info you tell your parents without worrying about fallout.  Sure, we'd like to think families are supportive. Often they are not.

[Shelly in IL]

just a word of further clarification, then I will tell you what we've decided to do. This girl has not been "alone" with my son. We've met her one time. They went down to a public creek which is behind and quite close to my home and is on the golf course. Any texting has been initiated by the girl. I answer sporadically, not quickly and very parentally (know it's not a word). She has asked to hang out. It has not happened because we are busy. Yes, I am projecting my other son's experience onto this girl. It has become evident that she wants to cling and nobody in this house is comfortable with that. Conversation turning to something that personal is not something I can even imagine on a first time meeting with someone of the opposite sex. I offered an introduction, and it turned into an uncomfortable situation.

 

Our chosen course of action....since my husband and elder son are newly arrived home, we will be spending the next two weeks bonding as a family (this is how I will put it to her if pressed (by pressed I mean contacted by her) -otherwise there will be no communication). Before the two weeks are up, we, as a family are going on vacation. We'll be gone for 10'days. When we return home, my 15 yos starts working. He won't have an abundance of free time. He won't spend that free time with her and he's not interested in doing so.

 

I feel no reason to contact her parents at this time. If she continues to press (by contacting my cell), my husband and I will speak to her parents. But at this time I see no reason to pursue this further. Yes, this is definitely done to protect my son and myself, but thats where I am in it right now.

 

Thank you for your help.

[OneStepAtATime]

just a word of further clarification, then I will tell you what we've decided to do. This girl has not been "alone" with my son. We've met her one time. They went down to a public creek which is behind and quite close to my home and is on the golf course. Any texting has been initiated by the girl. I answer sporadically, not quickly and very parentally (know it's not a word). She has asked to hang out. It has not happened because we are busy. Yes, I am projecting my other son's experience onto this girl. It has become evident that she wants to cling and nobody in this house is comfortable with that. Conversation turning to something that personal is not something I can even imagine on a first time meeting with someone of the opposite sex. I offered an introduction, and it turned into an uncomfortable situation.

 

Our chosen course of action....since my husband and elder son are newly arrived home, we will be spending the next two weeks bonding as a family (this is how I will put it to her if pressed (by pressed I mean contacted by her) -otherwise there will be no communication). Before the two weeks are up, we, as a family are going on vacation. We'll be gone for 10'days. When we return home, my 15 yos starts working. He won't have an abundance of free time. He won't spend that free time with her and he's not interested in doing so.

 

I feel no reason to contact her parents at this time. If she continues to press (by contacting my cell), my husband and I will speak to her parents. But at this time I see no reason to pursue this further. Yes, this is definitely done to protect my son and myself, but thats where I am in it right now.

 

Thank you for your help.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Good luck.

[*LC]

I'm so sorry for what happened to your oldest son, that is scary.

 

I think your plan for concentrating on family bonding is a good one, and hopefully will take care of the issue.

 

However, I don't believe in assuming motive, and I don't see her as particularly needy... Just young.

 

Like you, I can't imagine mentioning a rape to someone upon first meeting, but I'm not in her shoes. We moved after my husband died, and I still remember not knowing what to say the first time someone asked why we had moved. I didn't want to go into our whole history the first time I met, but I wanted to tell the truth. I came up with something that accomplished both goals, but it was akwardness at first. If I had been 15, it may not have been possible for me to figure out how to accomplish both goals.

 

So, I can see it going like this.

The kids are talking. Your son says something about moving/new school and why he moved. She "felt" he was asking the same of her, so gave her reason for being at a new school. Of course, I don't know that is what. I can just understand it happening that way... Even without your son being aware of it or even saying something.

 

I sincerely hope you don't any more issues with her, and that you and your son make friends in the new community son.

[Jenrae]

just a word of further clarification, then I will tell you what we've decided to do. This girl has not been "alone" with my son. We've met her one time. They went down to a public creek which is behind and quite close to my home and is on the golf course. Any texting has been initiated by the girl. I answer sporadically, not quickly and very parentally (know it's not a word). She has asked to hang out. It has not happened because we are busy. Yes, I am projecting my other son's experience onto this girl. It has become evident that she wants to cling and nobody in this house is comfortable with that. Conversation turning to something that personal is not something I can even imagine on a first time meeting with someone of the opposite sex. I offered an introduction, and it turned into an uncomfortable situation.

 

Our chosen course of action....since my husband and elder son are newly arrived home, we will be spending the next two weeks bonding as a family (this is how I will put it to her if pressed (by pressed I mean contacted by her) -otherwise there will be no communication). Before the two weeks are up, we, as a family are going on vacation. We'll be gone for 10'days. When we return home, my 15 yos starts working. He won't have an abundance of free time. He won't spend that free time with her and he's not interested in doing so.

 

I feel no reason to contact her parents at this time. If she continues to press (by contacting my cell), my husband and I will speak to her parents. But at this time I see no reason to pursue this further. Yes, this is definitely done to protect my son and myself, but thats where I am in it right now.

 

Thank you for your help.

I think you are wise to protect your son. Don't feel ashamed or feel the need to defend your decision. THAT is your job as a mom. The young girl may not mean any harm, but your mama intuition is on high alert with what your older son has gone though and it is making you wary. It is better to be safe, than sorry.

 

It sounds like you have a good plan for the next few weeks. I hope you can relax and enjoy the time with your husband and sons.

 

If the young girl continues to make contact, I do believe it would just be wise at that point to be loving, kind, and gentle, but tell her that you are just uncomfortable that she shared such personal and intimate information with your son and that you feel she would benefit from talking with a counselor. Be ready with a name/number and offer to call her mom for her and share it wih her mother.

 

This may be a chance that YOU as a mom have to help a young woman who needs help, and maybe isn't getting it at home. If she declines the phone call to her mom, obviously you would just end your contact with her, but YOU would know that you did what you could do to help her, WHILE protecting your son.

 

Many prayers for you as I know this must be very stressful, after dealing with the situation with your older son.