Does everyone do this?

[Garga]

ETA: This is not about horses. I'm doing that annoying thing where I'm using an analogy in my conversation. Sorry to the hiver who hates this style of conversation. :)

 

 

I once rode a horse. Yes, just the once. It was on vacation and none of us knew a thing about horses. We were all to follow the lead horse through the woods.

 

The entire time all the other horses meekly followed the horse in front of them, except for mine. My horse kept trying to nose ahead of the horse in front of her. The person on the lead horse kept calling over her shoulder for me to hold back my horse.

 

I had to hold back the reigns with all my strength the entire time to keep that horse from nosing ahead. My arms were sore and shaking by the end of the ride.

 

I feel that same way about myself. I feel like I'm constantly reigning myself in. Constantly. I feel that when I don't, I offend or annoy people. I've taken little online aspergers and social anxiety tests and they all show up that I'm normal, yet I seem to be terrible at social situations unless I strongly curb the things I want to say or do. It's exhausting.

 

Does everyone do this? Are you all nodding and thinking, "I do that, too"? Is holding oneself back the the cost of living in society? Or do I need to work on letting myself go?

[creekland]

I do a combo of both.  I'll freely admit that whenever I hold myself in to "fit" into a situation it annoys me, so I do what I can to avoid those situations.

 

In general, I try to be tactful by nature.  Other than that, if people don't like me, what I wear, how I speak, or what I do... well, it's ok.  We don't all have to be best friends.

 

Note I haven't been on any of the clothing/shoe threads.  I don't particularly care if I'm fashionable or old-ladyish or anywhere in between.  I rarely even buy new clothes as that's money I'd rather spend elsewhere - like traveling.

 

By being myself - and honest - I think I get a bit more respect from many (not all).  I may be delusional...  I know it works super well with my classes at school.  Outside of school?  I guess I don't really care.

[Jean in Newcastle]

And this is the difficulty with analogies. . .  

 

do you mean that you have to put a filter on your speech so that you don't say everything that pops into your head?  Then it is normal to have to rein yourself in.  I wish more people would do that. . .!  (I can be fairly blunt if someone directly asks for my input but I do try to look at things from their perspective and not run roughshod over people.)

 

do you mean that you have to stop yourself from interests that seem to be off the beaten path?  Then let yourself go and be eccentric and interested in all sorts of weird stuff.  (But still take care of basic responsibilities that you might have). 

 

or do you mean something else?  

[creekland]

ps  I prefer when my friends are honest too - even when we disagree.  This is common around my lunch table (at school).  I prefer eating (and chatting) with openly honest people rather than anyone "holding it in."  We all know what we hear at lunch, stays at lunch and our door is closed so students or others walking by can't hear.

 

I've never once turned a friend away simply because we disagree on something - even major things.  If others choose to do so, that's their option.

[EmseB]

I think everyone does this.  I think that's why, when you find someone (friend, lover, etc) you can let yourself go and be yourself with it feels great.  But (for me) it's also rare.  I have very few people in my life like that.  I assumed this was true for everybody, or else we'd all be best friends.

[hornblower]

Yes, because I'm terribly opinionated. About everything.

It took me a long time to come to an acceptance of the fact that just because I have thoughts, I don't have to voice them.

I let them out in various other forums: creative writing is one.  Arguing online (usually not here - it's too nice here LOL) is another.  But yeah, I have to hold myself in check a lot.

I do think it's important to deal with this by having an outlet, a place where you can be yourself.

 

But also, I've found in the past few years, it's got easier. I've both stopped holding myself in check as much about some things, and ALSO stopped having a lot of those underlying thoughts. Not sure what the change is...

[8circles]

Yes, that's exactly how I feel, too.  I would be shocked to all get-out it someone dx'd me as Aspergers - I just can't relate to any of that.  But reining myself in to fit-in or people will like me?  Yes, I do that.

 

I've been told that I'm just unlikable.  Granted, that person was mentally unstable, but it's been said.

[Shellydon]

No I don't, I can't relate to that at all.

[Cinder]

That is not my situation. :grouphug:

[MomatHWTK]

I think some folks have leadership/control tendencies that make them desire to solve problems and lead others.  Others don't always feel like being led or having their problems solved. ;)  So there is a balance.  It may also be a problem of having a quick mind.  Some individuals take time to think things through while others want to spring into action right away.  In a group setting, the quick movers need to remember to let those around them have a say rather than just moving ahead.

 

FWIW, I don't do well in group settings because I tend to spend most of my time resisting the impulse to say, "Well get on with it then!." 

[BarbecueMom]

I'm kind of the opposite. I see shades of gray on many issues and am a rather private person anyway, and I feel very uncomfortable talking with people who are strongly opinionated. It's like I'm always waiting for that cricket-chirping moment where I get a "how could you NOT care!?" reaction. Then I wonder why I have a tough time making friends, probably because I'm closed off and they don't want to walk on eggshells or filter. I don't blame them.

 

I just need to find more apathetic spirits to hang out with.

[MamaBearTeacher]

 From what I have noticed people tend to be like this more after the age of 30.  Anyone else notice this?  

I think most people are like this.

[Word Nerd]

.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I often wish more people would reim themselves in. Sometimes I look at some people and wonder how it's possible that they don't notice how annoying they are. Two specific women who talked non-stop and interrupted all the time come to mind. The last time I saw D, she interrupted literally every single sentence I spoke in a 10-20 minute period, including my attempts to answer questions she asked me. DH and I liked her husband, but we haven't seen them in four years because we just couldn't take her anymore.

 

We seem to know an awful lot of self-righteous, overly opinionated people, too. At Tigger's first music lesson a few weeks ago, this woman I had just met used the time of the moms in the waiting room to give us all her opinions on all sorts of obnoxious stuff. I sort-of agree with some of what she said and used to believe much of the rest, but she came off as very pushy. Of course, she was also factually incorrect on some of what she said, but that didn't stop her from spewing her beliefs everywhere. I came home feeling rather put-off by her. While I tend to dislike endless small talk, I am also tired of know-it-alls as well that don't ever stop to consider the other side of whatever issue they are talking about. (It doesn't help that we have really met a lot of people with extreme beliefs in the last ten years.)

 

Anyway, I wish some of these people would learn to tone it down. Nobody wants to hear about "the one right way" to do 6-8 different things in their first hour of meeting a person.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I have made much more use of the filter on my mouth the last few years, probably as a result of all the obnoxious people I wrote about in my previous post. I'm pretty convinced that most people don't *really* want to know what others think when they ask for their opinion. They usually want confirmation that what they are doing or thinking already is correct.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yes I think I do.  I always feel like people just aren't interested in the things I'm interested in.  They talk about completely different things than I would talk about . They say stuff I'd never say.  I can fake it for awhile, but usually that fizzles and I get tired of it and then I just stop talking to them.

 

I also feel like most people only go through the motions.  They say they want to do something.  Maybe start some sort of club or gathering or group or whatever and then it turns into some nonsense where nothing really is going on and nobody is really doing anything.  And then I feel like everyone is saying how great it is, but then I'm wondering what is so great about it because as far as I can tell, nobody is doing much more than chattering about nothing. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

This happens less on-line, but people seem to let loose more on-line. 

 

 

[Garga]

From what I have noticed people tend to be like this more after the age of 30. Anyone else notice this?

I think most people are like this.

Hmmm. I'm 42 (and the OP.) And I've noticed that my 70 yo MIL, whom I've known for 23 years, is losing her filters. Maybe we're all doomed to get sick and tired of holding back and when we turn 70 we all let loose? I'm only half kidding here.

 

I have so many holding back issues that it's hard to pinpoint exactly what's going on. I just wanted to know if I was weird or if everyone else has a sense of holding themselves in. Looks like a lot of people feel that they hold themselves in.

 

Here are some examples off the top of my head:

 

Sometimes I get really excited about an issue (feminism, Star Wars, history, reading) and rhapsodize about it, but quickly realize that I'm hogging the spotlight. This doens't happen very often, because I usually am reigning myself in. When I do let loose to rhapsodize, it doesn't go over well. No one is interested and I get raised eyebrows or am told, "You think too much."

 

Or maybe I have a differing opinion. If I'm one-on-one we might be able to talk it out, but with a group it gets very awkward to disagree, so again, I usually don't bother to give my differing opinion.

 

Sometimes I accidentally blurt out a truth that ends up being hurtful, so I often do not say my observations about what is true as I don't want to hurt someone.

 

I guess it's normal for us not to blurt out every little thing we think and hold ourselves back. But like another poster said, isn't it amazing when you do find someone that you can be open with and speak how you really feel and they still accept you? I'm not sure I've found someone entirely like that but there are a couple who are close.

 

I am ok with doing whatever quirky thing I want to do, but I often do things quietly without talking about it because I don't feel like defending it. (Homeschooling, being a tightwad, being a sci-fi nerd, etc.)

[SparklyUnicorn]

I've often wondered why a lot of older people lose their filters.  That definitely seems to be true.

 

 

[8circles]

I get you, Garga.

[Mama Geek]

The only place I really hold back is with the IL's.  I end up walking on eggshells.  

[Anne in CA]

Garga, I also feel like I must keep myself in line too. By watching my children over the years I have learned that I have an intense personality that is scary to some people. I make my living owning two restaurants, providing customer service, but that is all superficial communication with customers. I think I am too intense for some employees when we have to discuss important things, but it my business and they must deal. It is too stressful to pretend to be someone else. The trouble is not my actual opinions or thoughts, the trouble is that I state them too intensely for most people.

[Garga]

Yes I think I do. I always feel like people just aren't interested in the things I'm interested in. They talk about completely different things than I would talk about . They say stuff I'd never say. I can fake it for awhile, but usually that fizzles and I get tired of it and then I just stop talking to them.

.

Yes--this is how it feels.

[school17777]

Oh man, Garga, now I'm wondering what truth you wanted to blurt out when you met me, but didn't!  (Just joking!)

 

 

[Garga]

Garga, I also feel like I must keep myself in line too. By watching my children over the years I have learned that I have an intense personality that is scary to some people. I make my living owning two restaurants, providing customer service, but that is all superficial communication with customers. I think I am too intense for some employees when we have to discuss important things, but it my business and they must deal. It is too stressful to pretend to be someone else. The trouble is not my actual opinions or thoughts, the trouble is that I state them too intensely for most people.

Yes to this, too! I'm really a scared marshmallow on the inside and will capitulate pretty easily if I think I'm upsetting you, but I get the feeling that I'm too intense at times for people and they don't know what to do with me. I adore it when someone will just talk back to me with the same level of intensity. It doesn't have to be raised voices or anything, but I love it when someone will converse back at me with the same level of investment in whatever we're talking about.

[Garga]

Oh man, Garga, now I'm wondering what truth you wanted to blurt out when you met me, but didn't! (Just joking!)

Ok--we were calling you School1777...but your name is School17777. Four 7s. I wanted to point it out so bad..."No, she's not 777, she's 777...7." But I held back. :) It would have been weird.

[creekland]

Yes to this, too! I'm really a scared marshmallow on the inside and will capitulate pretty easily if I think I'm upsetting you, but I get the feeling that I'm too intense at times for people and they don't know what to do with me. I adore it when someone will just talk back to me with the same level of intensity. It doesn't have to be raised voices or anything, but I love it when someone will converse back at me with the same level of investment in whatever we're talking about.

 

I imagine we actually like different things, but I suspect we'd get along quite well for more than just a quick get together.

 

At the lunch tables I eat at (in school), people often discuss a bit about things - many different things - whatever is brought up.  No one dominates.  Differences in opinions are certainly allowed.  No raised voices.  No bitterness.  I like it.

[texasmama]

Sometimes I have to rein myself in, and sometimes it is a free for all.  :D  I'm pretty confident and friendly, though.  I am also intuitive and when I am on my game, I can adjust my conversation style easily to fit the person I am speaking with.

 

I can usually see both sides of most arguments and I don't have tons of deeply held opinions so I can hear what most people are saying and not feel the need to argue against it.

 

I was reading our history lesson today, and it discussed how FDR would listen to anyone and not argue so often people mistakenly thought he was in agreement with them.  I think that may apply to me quite a lot.  Mostly, I just don't want to argue with people.  I don't mind if people have a different opinion on things. I don't like mean people, but if you are not mean, I can pretty  much hang out with you for a time and we don't even have to have much in common.

[Barb_]

Yes, although I've used the analogy of the garaged Ferrari. Same dif.

[texasmama]

I'm kind of the opposite. I see shades of gray on many issues and am a rather private person anyway, and I feel very uncomfortable talking with people who are strongly opinionated. It's like I'm always waiting for that cricket-chirping moment where I get a "how could you NOT care!?" reaction. Then I wonder why I have a tough time making friends, probably because I'm closed off and they don't want to walk on eggshells or filter. I don't blame them.

 

I just need to find more apathetic spirits to hang out with.

I'm apathetic.  You can hang with me.  :)

[texasmama]

Also, if you are REALLY cool and I like you a lot, I will curse and see what happens.  :D  If you don't blanch, you are in.

[school17777]

Ok--we were calling you School1777...but your name is School17777. Four 7s. I wanted to point it out so bad..."No, she's not 777, she's 777...7." But I held back. :) It would have been weird.

 

 

This is the type of thing I would bring up because I'd be confused if I misunderstood someone's name.  That must make me weird!

[Barb_]

I've often wondered why a lot of older people lose their filters. That definitely seems to be true.

I remember my grandma, another garaged Ferrari, saying the one good thing about getting old was when she stopped caring what people thought and could say whatever she pleased. The trouble is, everyone sort of avoided her, so there's that. I took it as a cautionary tale.

[creekland]

Also, if you are REALLY cool and I like you a lot, I will curse and see what happens.   :D  If you don't blanch, you are in.

 

So... you say you get along with everyone, but you really have a secret code/word for admittance?   :lol:

 

Cursing rarely happens at school or in our house.  Rare and never aren't the same, but it's definitely not normal in conversations I'm around.  ;)

[texasmama]

So... you say you get along with everyone, but you really have a secret code/word for admittance?   :lol:

 

Cursing rarely happens at school or in our house.  Rare and never aren't the same, but it's definitely not normal in conversations I'm around.   ;)

Well, if you want to be in the inner circle....

 

I gave up everything else. I will keep on cursing, thankyouverymuch.  :D

[Guest]

Yes, because I'm terribly opinionated. About everything.

 

It took me a long time to come to an acceptance of the fact that just because I have thoughts, I don't have to voice them.

 

I let them out in various other forums: creative writing is one. Arguing online (usually not here - it's too nice here LOL) is another. But yeah, I have to hold myself in check a lot.

 

I do think it's important to deal with this by having an outlet, a place where you can be yourself.

 

But also, I've found in the past few years, it's got easier. I've both stopped holding myself in check as much about some things, and ALSO stopped having a lot of those underlying thoughts. Not sure what the change is...

I'm exactly the same - right down to the online creative outlets.

[texasmama]

Don't get Arctic Mama and hornblower together in a room....at least not without me there to referee and be apathetic and affirm everyone's opinion because I don't really care either way. :leaving:

[Guest]

Yes, of course one has to hold back in certain situations. It is the price of harmonious human relationships. It's a good thing I don't verbalise much of what runs through my head. Can you imagine ? "Happy Easter!" ( to my Greek friend ) "It is so weird you believe in that stuff!"

 

Or "Wow, dd, I really hope you grow out of your grunge phase soon because it is not making you look attractive."

 

Or to my teacher relatives " I really wish I could smash the educational system to bits!"

 

Or worse stuff, because my brain is a work in progress and I have to be internally critical of what I think at times, in order to be consistent with my values. Thoughts do not always reflect values.

 

~

 

However, if you feel this self-censorship is at a point of being burdensome - you can't truly speak out about anything, even the things without capacity to hurt anyone - that's a problem. We need to be able to express our identity through interaction with others.

 

Maybe you need different people in your life ? Maybe the problem isn't you, but the people around you ? I do have a couple of friends to whom I could say almost anything, and not be judged.

 

Alternatively, maybe just think about how you want to phrase things ? If something is important enough to you to NEED to say it, it's important enough to think about your delivery....

This is extremely wise, and along these lines - when the self censorship gets exhausting I take that as my personal cue that I need a lower conflict, lower stress situation. I actually had to leave an online forum I loved because it was eggshell time, all the time, even on benign topics. That stressed me out and it was easier to just avoid it. I've also cut off relationships like that, too. It lowers the ambient noise in my head to have less going in where I have to be on my guard, and gives me more mental energy to deal with those situations and people I cannot change (and that require my careful handling).

[Ausmumof3]

Yes and I think it's part of the reason why I'm an introvert. Being social exhausts me because I'm constantly filtering and I still manage to say some really dumb things at times. I like wtm for the fact that many things are discussed and discussed in far more depth than every day conversation. And this is the other area where I struggle. I like to talk about stuff in more depth but most people just kind of gloss from subject to subject.

[Barb_]

The funny thing? You yes people are some of my favorite posters. I really appreciate knowing where I stand with people, even if we don't agree.

[HS Mom in NC]

Me too. I think American culture doesn't value intense personalities.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I think American culture doesn't value intense personalities.

How do you mean? On TV at least, there are plenty of intense personalities. Of course, that isn't real life.

[AndyJoy]

Your analogy is too vague for me to know if we're talking about holding back the same things, but yes, I feel like I have to hold back a lot in certain situations.

 

For me it's a combination of extroversion, gifted overexcitabilities, ADHD, intensity, passionate excitement, wide interest/knowledge base. I feel like I'm just "too much" in some groups IYKWIM? I promise I'm not missing social cues about talking over others or continuing when they've lost interest, I'm just intense. I also overthink and over analyze social interactions afterwards and then feel guilty for being me. I know I exhaust some personalities. So I try to reign it in and be more mellow or chill or reserved or something, but it doesn't work for long. My best success has come through finding enough friends/outlets where I feel completely free to be myself so I don't feel restricted when I am in situations where I think I need to be more guarded. Also, as I've aged I care less if people find me strange/unusual; I am who I am and I have spent so many years trying to fit others' molds and I'm tired. Going off to college was a big turning point in this regard--turning 30 was another. I'm not talking about not giving a damn about being offensive or rude or selfish or anything like that--just being more accepting of myself as I am and not worrying so much about meeting this false image of the perfect personality I have stuck in mind. I suspect everyone, including the women I know who seem to have it all together socially, have their own personal hangups and struggles.

[texasmama]

The funny thing? You yes people are some of my favorite posters. I really appreciate knowing where I stand with people, even if we don't agree.

I'm trying to decide what this means and if I am a yes person.   :laugh:

[Guest]

Don't get Arctic Mama and hornblower together in a room....at least not without me there to referee and be apathetic and affirm everyone's opinion because I don't really care either way. :leaving:

We'd make peace talking about our adorable ratties ;)

 

And truly, some of my favorite people online and in real life are the most contentious - because we can disagree fervently and still remain unoffended when the dust clears. Nobody takes the opinions personally, and that makes it fun. It's when people are thin skinned or overly sensitive that I have my filter on high and THAT is exhausting.

[Barb_]

I'm trying to decide what this means and if I am a yes person. :laugh:

I know where you stand on stuff, lol

[texasmama]

I know where you stand on stuff, lol

And here I thought I was so mysterious!

[HS Mom in NC]

How do you mean? On TV at least, there are plenty of intense personalities. Of course, that isn't real life.

 

I didn't mean in pop culture.  I meant IRL intense people are found to be overwhelming by others.  People who have strong opinions and verbalize them are considered overbearing. I'm not saying I agree that people shouldn't value intensity, I'm a person who has an intense personality myself. Most people are more apathetic compared to some intense personality types and assume the intensity is based on a flaw or void in the intense person rather just assuming it's a different kind of person all together.

 

I think our culture puts a tremendous value on feelings over all other things, so people who don't fret over every possible emotional reaction and interpretation others might have in a discussion are viewed as insensitive and socially awkward. It's automatically assumed we have Asperger's or something like it. 

[Wildcat]

ETA: This is not about horses. I'm doing that annoying thing where I'm using an analogy in my conversation. Sorry to the hiver who hates this style of conversation. :)

 

 

I once rode a horse. Yes, just the once. It was on vacation and none of us knew a thing about horses. We were all to follow the lead horse through the woods.

 

The entire time all the other horses meekly followed the horse in front of them, except for mine. My horse kept trying to nose ahead of the horse in front of her. The person on the lead horse kept calling over her shoulder for me to hold back my horse.

 

I had to hold back the reigns with all my strength the entire time to keep that horse from nosing ahead. My arms were sore and shaking by the end of the ride.

 

I feel that same way about myself. I feel like I'm constantly reigning myself in. Constantly. I feel that when I don't, I offend or annoy people. I've taken little online aspergers and social anxiety tests and they all show up that I'm normal, yet I seem to be terrible at social situations unless I strongly curb the things I want to say or do. It's exhausting.

 

Does everyone do this? Are you all nodding and thinking, "I do that, too"? Is holding oneself back the the cost of living in society? Or do I need to work on letting myself go?

 

I feel like I hold back all the time. It is absolutely exhausting, which is one reason I believe I am a loner. I also wonder if this need to hold back all the time leads to my introversion.... it is far easier to just not engage and try to ignore conversations than to engage and have to hold back.

 

Interesting post.

[Jenny in Florida]

I used to feel that way often when I was  younger. I had a great deal of trouble not finishing other people's sentences, not pointing out when they were, in my not-terribly-humble opinion, wrong or mistaken, etc.

 

I've found I rarely feel that way anymore. Part of it is that, as I've matured, I've come to accept that most things have shades of grey that make "right" and "wrong" pretty subtle. Yes, there are still absolutes for me. However, the other thing that has changed is that I've made peace with the idea that it's not my job to fix or control everyone or everything. I no longer need to be right all the time, or at least to have others acknowledge that I am.

 

I also recognize that I'm really just not that interesting to anyone outside of my own circle.

 

I don't want to say I've mellowed, but I definitely feel more at peace with myself and my world. I mostly like my own company, so that I'm okay thinking my own thoughts without feeling compelled to share them.

 

Don't get me wrong: I like a lively conversation, too. I went to breakfast with a friend today, and we talked for over two hours about our kids and our lives and our plans and our jobs and the perceived unfairness of college admissions and scholarship practices  and the challenges of being a creative person in a less than creative environment . . .

 

But then I came home and hung out with my dog and was perfectly content to do that.

 

For what it's worth, I likely wouldn't be one of the horses meekly following along, either. I'd probably be wandering off the path by myself or getting left behind because I wasn't paying attention.