How/when would you communicate this to daughter? college scholarship and mental health

[Elisabet1]

Daughter moved on from the bad birth grandparents and now is with the adoptive grandparents. This is a good thing. Just today, she started with a new psychologist and she already started with a new counselor. I am hopeful.  She is still not in communication with us. I am really hoping and praying for improvement before she takes off on them. 

 

We got a call from the local state university that she got the full tuition and fees plus stipend back for the fall. This would be the best thing for her. She would have access to continue care she is getting now. She would also have a single room in the dorm (she really cannot live with anyone). You get the idea? Fall is still 6 months off so she can get on track in that time, enough to start college.

 

I am afraid if I communicate this to her now, since she is only just now starting back in to possible treatment, that because of the nature of her issues, she might fly off the handle and say or do something with regards to the college that will make her lose it. On the other hand, I am afraid if I wait too long, she won't make all the arrangements and paperwork she needs to do accept the scholarship and such.

 

This is such a tricky situation! She is still not doing that well, but she seems to have been coming off manic phase and is starting to fall in to a depressive phase. She is still having issues, but has gotten more control over herself. She is not living with us (and will not return, we decided that) and her grandparent has been making the arrangements for mental health. We have stayed on the outside of things because, it is hard to explain, but basically, we were the targets of this last meltdown and we felt it was best if we took a step back so she could focus on herself and her life instead of us. But her grandparent knows very little about anything college related and I am not even positive the grandparent grasps the severity of daughter's issues. We are just doing the best we can. She seems to have her in with all the right people, so I am hoping that those "right people" will do right by her now.

 

Would you call the grandparent and tell them? Would you call the new counselor and tell them? What would you do now?

 

I know that there is nothing that says she should be heading off to college this fall. I just hate to see this bridge burned when by fall, she might be ready. Also..I do not buy in to the idea that no one with mental illness should ever go to any sort of college, ever, so, if that is all you have to say in an answer, save your typing.

[Eagle]

I would have the college write a letter outlining what they are offering and have them send it to her at her grandparents' address. That way it isn't coming from you at all.

[bettyandbob]

I would have the college write a letter outlining what they are offering and have them send it to her at her grandparents' address. That way it isn't coming from you at all.

 

I'd do something along these lines. Your dd is an adult. She is not living with you and will not live with you again. It's really out of your hands except to make sure she gets the information communicated to her. Yes it would be wonderful for her to follow through on treatment and be ready to accept the scholarship in the fall, but it's out of your hands. 

[kiana]

I agree with Eagle.

 

Then just step back and pray for her. :grouphug:

[Cera]

When would she need to make a decision by.  When does paperwork have to be submitted?  I would probably wait a couple of weeks if you have the time then forward all the information from the college to the grandparents so that they can go over it with her.  If you are able to spend a bit of time explaining everything to the grandparents so that they can help to guide her through everything.

[Susan C.]

If the college will tell you, get the deadline to accept/decline. Hopefully it will be months out. If it isn't, then your daughter will need to give her new address. I would NOT tell her private health information, colleges get uncomfortable knowing it, it is protected information, and only your daughter should tell it.

[MinivanMom]

Is your daughter 18?

 

If she is 18, then there is nothing tricky about the situation. When the school called you, you should have said, "I'm sorry, but daughter no longer resides here. Let me give you her current address and telephone number so that you can contact her directly." I'm sure you love her, and I'm sure that you want what's best for her, but she is an adult who no longer resides with you. You need to stay out of it.

 

Call the university back and give them dd's current contact information. Let them know that they will need to contact her directly. This scholarship is her opportunity to take advantage of or to blow completely. Let her handle it.

[albeto.]

Also..I do not buy in to the idea that no one with mental illness should ever go to any sort of college, ever, so, if that is all you have to say in an answer, save your typing.

I can't imagine anyone here would ever suggest "no one with mental illness should ever go to any sort of college, ever." In fact, I'd be willing to be all the change in my pocket not a single poster reading this would agree with that statement. In response to your question, I agree with what MinivanMom suggests. I would encourage you to call up the pertinent admin from the college and relay to them that your daughter no longer resides with you, but you want to give them her current address and telephone number so that they can contact her directly. This is the appropriate response to someone who is not living with you or dependent on you, from an estranged child to a neighbor. I hope this works out for her.

[Elisabet1]

I can't imagine anyone here would ever suggest "no one with mental illness should ever go to any sort of college, ever." In fact, I'd be willing to be all the change in my pocket not a single poster reading this would agree with that statement. In response to your question, I agree with what MinivanMom suggests. I would encourage you to call up the pertinent admin from the college and relay to them that your daughter no longer resides with you, but you want to give them her current address and telephone number so that they can contact her directly. This is the appropriate response to someone who is not living with you or dependent on you, from an estranged child to a neighbor. I hope this works out for her.

My concern has been if she were contacted right now, that in her state of mind (just starting treatment) it will not go well. She has until May 1, so maybe I should wait a few weeks. But then again, maybe knowing she got it back will encourage her. But maybe it will make things worse.  I think I will hold off.

[Catwoman]

Are you in contact with the grandparents? If so, perhaps you could give them the information, and if there is anything complex about the details, you could also send your dd a letter outlining everything for her.

 

Beyond that, I don't know what you can do. I'm surprised the college called and spoke with you instead of mailing a letter or wanting to speak directly with your dd. I find it odd that they would have given you all of the information, as your dd is an adult now. Honestly, I would have expected to receive their offer, particularly such a generous one, in writing.

 

How did your dd manage to get a single room? I would have assumed she would have been assigned a roommate.

[lauranc]

Definitely agree with others---  let the admin at the college know where your daughter is living, and let them send the information directly to her.

 

I feel for you...   I think you're doing the right thing by hanging back and letting her get in touch with you on her terms (if/when she decides to do that). She needs to find her own footing, and learn from her own mistakes. 

 

Hang in there.

[Catwoman]

Daughter moved on from the bad birth grandparents and now is with the adoptive grandparents. This is a good thing. Just today, she started with a new psychologist and she already started with a new counselor. I am hopeful. She is still not in communication with us. I am really hoping and praying for improvement before she takes off on them.

 

We got a call from the local state university that she got the full tuition and fees plus stipend back for the fall. This would be the best thing for her. She would have access to continue care she is getting now. She would also have a single room in the dorm (she really cannot live with anyone). You get the idea? Fall is still 6 months off so she can get on track in that time, enough to start college.

 

I am afraid if I communicate this to her now, since she is only just now starting back in to possible treatment, that because of the nature of her issues, she might fly off the handle and say or do something with regards to the college that will make her lose it. On the other hand, I am afraid if I wait too long, she won't make all the arrangements and paperwork she needs to do accept the scholarship and such.

 

This is such a tricky situation! She is still not doing that well, but she seems to have been coming off manic phase and is starting to fall in to a depressive phase. She is still having issues, but has gotten more control over herself. She is not living with us (and will not return, we decided that) and her grandparent has been making the arrangements for mental health. We have stayed on the outside of things because, it is hard to explain, but basically, we were the targets of this last meltdown and we felt it was best if we took a step back so she could focus on herself and her life instead of us. But her grandparent knows very little about anything college related and I am not even positive the grandparent grasps the severity of daughter's issues. We are just doing the best we can. She seems to have her in with all the right people, so I am hoping that those "right people" will do right by her now.

 

Would you call the grandparent and tell them? Would you call the new counselor and tell them? What would you do now?

 

I know that there is nothing that says she should be heading off to college this fall. I just hate to see this bridge burned when by fall, she might be ready. Also..I do not buy in to the idea that no one with mental illness should ever go to any sort of college, ever, so, if that is all you have to say in an answer, save your typing.

Elisabet, I'm wondering how your dd managed to get such a generous package from the college, considering her serious mental health issues. Is she able to deceive others into believing that she is perfectly fine? I only ask because you have told us some pretty extreme stories about her.

 

I hope the counseling works and that she is able to turn her life around. You must be so worried.

[Annie G]

When you say she has until May 1, I think you mean she has to accept by then. But if she accepts and then can't attend in August, there can't be any penalty, except perhaps a room deposit. Is that what they are asking for by May 1 to secure her spot? If so, you could send the deposit in, and if it doesn't work out, you lose the deposit. But if it does work out, great. 

 

You have received good advice to try to get the school to put the offer in writing and then forward it to her.  Surely the school will follow up with a letter- never heard of a school not doing that. 

 

How does it work when she's a dependent student but estranged from her parents? Anyone know how that works?

In any case, I would probably pay the deposit(not right away, but before May 1 if you think there is hope she can attend) as a sign that you still love her and know she can turn this situation around.  

[Elisabet1]

Are you in contact with the grandparents? If so, perhaps you could give them the information, and if there is anything complex about the details, you could also send your dd a letter outlining everything for her.

 

Beyond that, I don't know what you can do. I'm surprised the college called and spoke with you instead of mailing a letter or wanting to speak directly with your dd. I find it odd that they would have given you all of the information, as your dd is an adult now. Honestly, I would have expected to receive their offer, particularly such a generous one, in writing.

 

How did your dd manage to get a single room? I would have assumed she would have been assigned a roommate.

All the rooms at this university are suite style. So she would have her own room. There are three rooms, connected to a living area and bathroom. 

 

They called to follow up to make sure she got their letter. They asked to speak to her first and then asked if I were the parent. I said yes. I am not telling anyone she is out for mental health reasons. That is hers to share if she decides to. We did not receive the letter. But when she first took off, she forwarded all her mail to my birth parents. My birth parents are not good people. She left them recently. So, the letter likely went there. They would not bother to pass it on. They were just toying with her.

 

As far as the adoptive grandparents go..there is just the adoptive grandma (grandpa had a stroke). And adoptive grandma has set her up for these things. But she also, I don't think understands things. Like, we told her daughter needed to see this type of person..and that type. We showed her records. But it was clear grandma had not even heard of bipolar disorder before. And grandma never went to college herself. She seemed confused, but also eager to get daughter help. This is really our best hope right now.

[Elisabet1]

Elisabet, I'm wondering how your dd managed to get such a generous package from the college, considering her serious mental health issues. Is she able to deceive others into believing that she is perfectly fine? I only ask because you have told us some pretty extreme stories about her.

 

I hope the counseling works and that she is able to turn her life around. You must be so worried.

Just because she has mental health issues does not mean she could not do well academically. She had high SAT scores. Her meltdown happened after she left for college and discontinued her medications. When she lived with us and was under 18, she had a very stable environment where we largely controlled a lot. Like, she went to bed at night, took her meds, had music lessons and exercise type classes and tutoring, and whatever else. I did volunteer work at school and was always there to encourage her, gauge her mood, help her. She also had a social group thing to help her with social skills when in high school. Then she went off to college and everything went downhill.

 

Mental health issues do not keep people from getting in to college. It is not a tier one university. She had good SAT scores and PSAT. 

[Amy in NH]

Where my son goes to school he is in a 3-bedroom suite, but all of the bedrooms are doubles.

[unsinkable]

Just because she has mental health issues does not mean she could not do well academically. She had high SAT scores. Her meltdown happened after she left for college and discontinued her medications. When she lived with us and was under 18, she had a very stable environment where we largely controlled a lot. Like, she went to bed at night, took her meds, had music lessons and exercise type classes and tutoring, and whatever else. I did volunteer work at school and was always there to encourage her, gauge her mood, help her. She also had a social group thing to help her with social skills when in high school. Then she went off to college and everything went downhill.

 

Mental health issues do not keep people from getting in to college. It is not a tier one university. She had good SAT scores and PSAT.

Wasn't she just at college for less than 48 hours during freshman orientation because her roommate and roommate's mother started all sorts of trouble and drove her from her dorm room?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Wasn't she just at college for less than 48 hours during freshman orientation because her roommate and roommate's mother started all sorts of trouble and drove her from her dorm room?

 

I've been thinking I must have mis-remembered, because this is what I thought, too. Maybe we missed an update about her successful admission into the second option, which I thought nobody in the family wanted for her, followed by a successful term there that would cause them to welcome her back with full tuition, stipend, and a single room.

[unsinkable]

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/526064-daughter-withdrew-from-college-already-over-roommate-from-hellpicture-addedupdated-to-add/

 

:confused:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Maybe it's all the stress clouding somebody's thinking. This family wouldn't be the first to go through a really bad patch and lose the ability to see things as they really are -- if that's the case I hope things are better soon.

[Joanne]

My concern has been if she were contacted right now, that in her state of mind (just starting treatment) it will not go well. She has until May 1, so maybe I should wait a few weeks. But then again, maybe knowing she got it back will encourage her. But maybe it will make things worse.  I think I will hold off.

 

You do not have a right to withhold this information from her. You also don't have a right to call her counselor.

 

She needs this information now, which was what the Admissions office intended.

 

You can't manage bipolars with these kind of "timing" decisions or other life management by proxy.

 

I know dozens of bipolars who live happy, productive lives. But going off meds is a part of the symptoms. Expect that she'll do it again.

[Catwoman]

Wasn't she just at college for less than 48 hours during freshman orientation because her roommate and roommate's mother started all sorts of trouble and drove her from her dorm room?

That was the way I remembered it as well, and that is why I asked for more details.

 

Something isn't right here. The stories aren't adding up. :confused:

[Catwoman]

All the rooms at this university are suite style. So she would have her own room. There are three rooms, connected to a living area and bathroom.

 

They called to follow up to make sure she got their letter. They asked to speak to her first and then asked if I were the parent. I said yes. I am not telling anyone she is out for mental health reasons. That is hers to share if she decides to. We did not receive the letter. But when she first took off, she forwarded all her mail to my birth parents. My birth parents are not good people. She left them recently. So, the letter likely went there. They would not bother to pass it on. They were just toying with her.

 

As far as the adoptive grandparents go..there is just the adoptive grandma (grandpa had a stroke). And adoptive grandma has set her up for these things. But she also, I don't think understands things. Like, we told her daughter needed to see this type of person..and that type. We showed her records. But it was clear grandma had not even heard of bipolar disorder before. And grandma never went to college herself. She seemed confused, but also eager to get daughter help. This is really our best hope right now.

Suites can be nice, but the shared living areas can be either wonderful or a nightmare depending on her roommates, because things can get pretty loud and unruly in a suite with several people sharing the same living area. I am still surprised that there are single rooms in the suites. Are you sure you heard the person correctly? I wouldn't want your dd to be inadvertantly misled or disappointed, and I agree with you that she needs her own room.

[Catwoman]

Just because she has mental health issues does not mean she could not do well academically. She had high SAT scores. Her meltdown happened after she left for college and discontinued her medications. When she lived with us and was under 18, she had a very stable environment where we largely controlled a lot. Like, she went to bed at night, took her meds, had music lessons and exercise type classes and tutoring, and whatever else. I did volunteer work at school and was always there to encourage her, gauge her mood, help her. She also had a social group thing to help her with social skills when in high school. Then she went off to college and everything went downhill.

 

Mental health issues do not keep people from getting in to college. It is not a tier one university. She had good SAT scores and PSAT.

There is no need to get defensive; I was asking the question based upon your past posts which have made her seem incredibly unbalanced.

 

But if everything went downhill when she got to college, I don't understand why they would be calling and asking her to return, and offering such an impressive package as well.

 

I hope you will explain what I am missing here, because there must be something I'm forgetting.

[Catwoman]

Maybe it's all the stress clouding somebody's thinking. This family wouldn't be the first to go through a really bad patch and lose the ability to see things as they really are -- if that's the case I hope things are better soon.

I keep thinking I must be forgetting something or that I missed one of Elisabet's threads somewhere along the line.

[Tiramisu]

I completely understand wanting to safeguard the scholarship. I would absolutely handle it similarly. To me it makes sense that you want to give your dd the best chance in life despite her illness, and you wouldn't want a bad episode taking one major part of that away--even if there is a likelihood of future problems. Besides praying, trying your best to do damage control of the education part, at least in the short term, is maybe all you can do. 

 

I vote for sending the letter to the grandmother but I wouldn't contact the school and change the address. After all, it's still probably required for you to file future FAFSA's and pay the bills even if you have no other rights.

 

I'm sorry.  :grouphug:

[Tiramisu]

Suites can be nice, but the shared living areas can be either wonderful or a nightmare depending on her roommates, because things can get pretty loud and unruly in a suite with several people sharing the same living area. I am still surprised that there are single rooms in the suites. Are you sure you heard the person correctly? I wouldn't want your dd to be inadvertantly misled or disappointed, and I agree with you that she needs her own room.

 

If a student has a documented disability which shows the student would benefit from a single room, they should be able to get one. 

[Catwoman]

If a student has a documented disability which shows the student would benefit from a single room, they should be able to get one.

I agree, but Elisabet has already posted that the college knows nothing about her dd's mental health issues.

 

I'm just concerned that she may have misheard the college rep's description of the suites, and I would hate to see her dd get a nasty surprise in September. I know if I got an unexpected phone call with as many details as Elisabet posted, I might miss a thing or two, so that's why I mentioned it.

[Danestress]

I think the college made a mistake in (1) relaying that information over the phone rather than putting it in writing and (2) relaying it to anyone other than your daughter who is legally an adult (I am gathering from your post).

 

I think you need to explain that your daughter is currently living with her Grandmother and ask them to mail her the offer and relevant paperwork.  Then let your daughter handle it.  I know it's hard, because you naturally worry that your daughter will mishandle this.  But you don't really have any right to keep this information from her until you think it's better timing, and the school should probably not have communicated it to you.  Adults get to make their own mistakes.  Adults who are truly unable to rationally handle their own affairs may need a legal guardian appointed.  Until and unless that happens, I think you put yourself in a terrible position to decide to "manage" her receipt of information.  While as a mother I can understand how worried you are and how you can see all the potential problems (maybe based on past experience),  I do think you need to step back an detatch yourself a bit.  Take yourself out of this situation by letting the school know how to contact her directly.  

[albeto.]

My concern has been if she were contacted right now, that in her state of mind (just starting treatment) it will not go well. She has until May 1, so maybe I should wait a few weeks. But then again, maybe knowing she got it back will encourage her. But maybe it will make things worse.  I think I will hold off.

 

I would suggest you stop trying to intervene. Let the college admin know her address and let them work it out. If you've got something in writing, forward it to her. She can talk to her grandparents and therapist for advice. Withholding information is meddling, even if your intentions are good, and that's not likely to help you repair any kind of relationship with her. Even if you're happy with your relationship now the way it is, meddling is mean. It's manipulative and disrespectful. You don't have to be that parent, kwim?

 

[chocolatechip]

I completely understand wanting to safeguard the scholarship. I would absolutely handle it similarly. To me it makes sense that you want to give your dd the best chance in life despite her illness, and you wouldn't want a bad episode taking one major part of that away--even if there is a likelihood of future problems. Besides praying, trying your best to do damage control of the education part, at least in the short term, is maybe all you can do. 

 

I vote for sending the letter to the grandmother but I wouldn't contact the school and change the address. After all, it's still probably required for you to file future FAFSA's and pay the bills even if you have no other rights.

 

I'm sorry.  :grouphug:

She will need to file the FAFSA each year to keep dd eligible for aid, but she is absolutely NOT required to pay any bills. Students have to sign a waiver taking full financial responsibility no matter who is helping pay, so if no one helps, it's all on the student. If someone helps, wonderful! 

[Jann in TX]

My dd had a single room in her dorm (Texas A&M Corpus)-- she shared a bath though. 

 

My dd also has some mental health issues (mainly anxiety)--having to share a room would NOT have worked out!  Currently she is sharing a house with her older sister who also has issues (ASD).  They understand each other's quirks (but they both vent to ME at times too...).

[Reefgazer]

Can she defer her admission and the scholarship for a year, so that she has more time to get herself together?  I know this decision has to come from her, but as her mother, I can certainly see why you would have an interest in making sure she had all of the information and kept all of her options open.  I would send her a note or email with" just the facts, ma'am" in order to be sure she got the information  in a timely manner, and so that she could decide for herself on her scholarship and make sure she met any deadlines.  Then let her take it from there.

Daughter moved on from the bad birth grandparents and now is with the adoptive grandparents. This is a good thing. Just today, she started with a new psychologist and she already started with a new counselor. I am hopeful.  She is still not in communication with us. I am really hoping and praying for improvement before she takes off on them. 

 

We got a call from the local state university that she got the full tuition and fees plus stipend back for the fall. This would be the best thing for her. She would have access to continue care she is getting now. She would also have a single room in the dorm (she really cannot live with anyone). You get the idea? Fall is still 6 months off so she can get on track in that time, enough to start college.

 

I am afraid if I communicate this to her now, since she is only just now starting back in to possible treatment, that because of the nature of her issues, she might fly off the handle and say or do something with regards to the college that will make her lose it. On the other hand, I am afraid if I wait too long, she won't make all the arrangements and paperwork she needs to do accept the scholarship and such.

 

This is such a tricky situation! She is still not doing that well, but she seems to have been coming off manic phase and is starting to fall in to a depressive phase. She is still having issues, but has gotten more control over herself. She is not living with us (and will not return, we decided that) and her grandparent has been making the arrangements for mental health. We have stayed on the outside of things because, it is hard to explain, but basically, we were the targets of this last meltdown and we felt it was best if we took a step back so she could focus on herself and her life instead of us. But her grandparent knows very little about anything college related and I am not even positive the grandparent grasps the severity of daughter's issues. We are just doing the best we can. She seems to have her in with all the right people, so I am hoping that those "right people" will do right by her now.

 

Would you call the grandparent and tell them? Would you call the new counselor and tell them? What would you do now?

 

I know that there is nothing that says she should be heading off to college this fall. I just hate to see this bridge burned when by fall, she might be ready. Also..I do not buy in to the idea that no one with mental illness should ever go to any sort of college, ever, so, if that is all you have to say in an answer, save your typing.

 

[Tiramisu]

I agree, but Elisabet has already posted that the college knows nothing about her dd's mental health issues.

 

I'm just concerned that she may have misheard the college rep's description of the suites, and I would hate to see her dd get a nasty surprise in September. I know if I got an unexpected phone call with as many details as Elisabet posted, I might miss a thing or two, so that's why I mentioned it.

 

Yeah. I don't know if the problems were fully understood before this year to have done things differently.

 

I wish people would know that getting accommodations for a disability (which can be a physical, a medical, a mental health or a learning problem that interferes with education) is a confidential matter between the individual and certain people in the disability office. Professors or housing administrators would know there is some kind of disability that would require certain accommodations, like an extra set of notes or a private room, but the actual disability cannot be disclosed. For example, my dd has accommodations for her processing disorder but all the professors know is that she is allowed to record lectures. And, yeah, when a serious medical issue came up, *I* was the one who called the disability office because I knew it had to be done and I knew my daughter wouldn't object, but she was extremely scared and overwhelmed and it was not the time for her to manage it herself. So the disability director reached out to her and she got new letters to give out at the start of this semester--probably allowing her to miss classes for medical appointments--without disclosing her condition. Dd then had the relief of knowing at least that was covered and she didn't have to worry that her professors thought she was cutting classes. As you can tell, I really advocate using the services of the disability office. :)

[Tiramisu]

She will need to file the FAFSA each year to keep dd eligible for aid, but she is absolutely NOT required to pay any bills. Students have to sign a waiver taking full financial responsibility no matter who is helping pay, so if no one helps, it's all on the student. If someone helps, wonderful! 

 

Of course, her dd is ultimately responsible but it seems as though if her dd became stable, she would want to be able to help if she could, in order to enable her daughter to continue. Maybe I'm assuming too much, but that's how I would feel.

[kitten18]

That was the way I remembered it as well, and that is why I asked for more details.

 

Something isn't right here. The stories aren't adding up. :confused:

Yep...

[unsinkable]

I keep thinking I must be forgetting something or that I missed one of Elisabet's threads somewhere along the line.

Consistently inconsistent posts make it difficult to have meaningful conversations and basically, IMO, makes any advice given pointless.

 

I'm not sure why things change from thread to thread but it is pretty confusing.

[Elisabet1]

I agree, but Elisabet has already posted that the college knows nothing about her dd's mental health issues.

 

I'm just concerned that she may have misheard the college rep's description of the suites, and I would hate to see her dd get a nasty surprise in September. I know if I got an unexpected phone call with as many details as Elisabet posted, I might miss a thing or two, so that's why I mentioned it.

The college rep did not give a description. It is UTDallas. We toured in her senior year. She was offered this same scholarship last year and turned it down. She re-applied this year before everything went downhill.  http://www.utdallas.edu/housing/uc/

[Elisabet1]

Wasn't she just at college for less than 48 hours during freshman orientation because her roommate and roommate's mother started all sorts of trouble and drove her from her dorm room?

Yes..but then she went to a different room..and got in to fights with her roommate and some of the other girls on the floor. She left willingly, but they told her she could not come back until she got mental health help. I do not tend to post every single detail. Just what is pertinent to the actual question at hand. I already have posted too much and the more I post, the more people who have something against people with bipolar disorder tend to give me a hard time about it.

[albeto.]

Yes..but then she went to a different room..and got in to fights with her roommate and some of the other girls on the floor. She left willingly, but they told her she could not come back until she got mental health help. I do not tend to post every single detail. Just what is pertinent to the actual question at hand. I already have posted too much and the more I post, the more people who have something against people with bipolar disorder tend to give me a hard time about it.

 

No one is giving anyone a hard time about bipolar disorder. People are asking you to clarify confusing and seemingly conflicting accounts in your stories. There is a difference.

 

1. Targeting bipolar --- not happening

2. Asking for clarification --- happening.

 

1 =/= 2

 

I feel like this should be repeated for clarification because this seems to be a source of confusion for you (going by comments like the one I bolded).

 

No one is targeting anyone about any mental health issues. Not in this thread, not in any thread. You are not the only one who is wrangling mental health challenges. You're talking to a great many people who have first and second hand account of this. And in any case, no one is actually saying anything against people who face these challenges. If they do, please point it out and I will stand right there behind you and wag my cyber finger so hard!

 

Voicing confusion and asking for clarification is not targeting, bullying, attacking, or any other aggressive thing that seems to get confused around here.

[Catwoman]

Yes..but then she went to a different room..and got in to fights with her roommate and some of the other girls on the floor. She left willingly, but they told her she could not come back until she got mental health help. I do not tend to post every single detail. Just what is pertinent to the actual question at hand. I already have posted too much and the more I post, the more people who have something against people with bipolar disorder tend to give me a hard time about it.

OK, now I'm really confused. Didn't you just post that you had no intention of telling anyone about her mental health issues? But now you're saying the college said she couldn't come back until she got mental health help?

 

And yet, without knowing whether or not she is getting help or anything about what she has been doing for the past few months, they still made the special effort to call and offer her the scholarship -- even after all of her problems when she was there, and with no evidence whatsoever that she had gotten mental health help or improved in any way? That seems very unusual to me.

 

FWIW, I don't think there is a single person on this forum who has "something against people with bipolar disorder." People aren't saying anything negative about your dd. We are, however, questioning you about the situation because your posts seem inconsistent and we are having trouble figuring out what is really going on here.

[Catwoman]

No one is giving anyone a hard time about bipolar disorder. People are asking you to clarify confusing and seemingly conflicting accounts in your stories. There is a difference.

 

1. Targeting bipolar --- not happening

2. Asking for clarification --- happening.

 

1 =/= 2

 

I feel like this should be repeated for clarification because this seems to be a source of confusion for you (going by comments like the one I bolded).

 

 

No one is targeting anyone about any mental health issues. Not in this thread, not in any thread. You are not the only one who is wrangling mental health challenges. You're talking to a great many people who have first and second hand account of this. And in any case, no one is actually saying anything against people who face these challenges. If they do, please point it out and I will stand right there behind you and wag my cyber finger so hard!

Voicing confusion and asking for clarification is not targeting, bullying, attacking, or any other aggressive thing that seems to get confused around here.

Exactly.

 

You said it better than I did, albeto. I was typing while you were posting. :)

[StephanieZ]

I would investigate the details of the offer and see when they require a response. With luck, she'll come to a better place before their deadline. But, if you get to 2 weeks before the deadline and your daughter isn't in a good place, then I might consider "accepting" admission and the scholarship package on her behalf. A little email or letter and a simple forgery . . . what's the worst that could happen? (I'm sorry, but I think there are higher goods sometimes. So, shoot me.)

 

Hopefully, you could avoid forgery or other fraud if there comes a time before the deadline that dd would be in a good enough place to get her this information in whatever best way you can (counselor, grandparent, whatever). If she's still a train wreck with the deadline approaching, then I'd call the school yourself and investigate deferring the package for a year . . . Some schools would automatically grant that. If they don't, then ask what documentation you'd need to provide to get a deferment based on medical status. 

 

(((hugs)))

 

And, if all else fails, call the school and tell the truth. They might be able to give her a deferred offer based on that, too. But, not until the last possible moment.

[Catwoman]

Consistently inconsistent posts make it difficult to have meaningful conversations and basically, IMO, makes any advice given pointless.

 

I'm not sure why things change from thread to thread but it is pretty confusing.

Things seem to be changing from post to post just within this thread, too.

 

I want to give Elisabet the benefit of the doubt here, but I can't seem to follow this story at all.

[Artichoke]

Things seem to be changing from post to post just within this thread, too.

 

I want to give Elisabet the benefit of the doubt here, but I can't seem to follow this story at all.

.

 

If I'm following correctly, this is a different school than the one she left last fall. It sounds like the daughter turned down this school and scholarship last year but then re-applied for next year.

[Catwoman]

.

 

If I'm following correctly, this is a different school than the one she left last fall. It sounds like the daughter turned down this school and scholarship last year but then re-applied for next year.

OK, that would make a bit more sense -- I hadn't considered that there might be a second school -- but if the dd had to leave the first college for mental health issues and then was completely out of control at home until she finally ran off to the grandparents' house, when would she have found the time or have been in the proper mental state to re-apply to the other school and find out about scholarships?

 

Also, why would a second school not only accept her, but also offer her such a huge scholarship package, when she had just dropped out of a different college? If she turned the scholarship down the prior year, I seriously doubt they would have rushed to offer it to her again this year, as I'm sure there were plenty of qualified first-time applicants they would prefer over a girl who had turned them down to go to another college, then dropped out, and then re-applied to their college.

 

I can't figure it out.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

.

 

If I'm following correctly, this is a different school than the one she left last fall. It sounds like the daughter turned down this school and scholarship last year but then re-applied for next year.

But there are still major problems with the story, even if there is a second school. The who, what, when, where, how and why parts each have their own contradictions and inconsistencies.

 

I think the OP and her family need IRL support and I hope they'll receive it somewhere. We can listen and offer sympathy, but sometimes we can't advise very well when the information and emotions are irregular.

[Arcadia]

...when would she have found the time or have been in the proper mental state to re-apply to the other school and find out about scholarships?

 

Also, why would a second school not only accept her, but also offer her such a huge scholarship package, when she had just dropped out of a different college?

My guess is she re-applied to this 2nd college soon after she moved back home from the 1st college which is why the contact details is the OP's home.

 

This 2nd college offered the OP's daughter a scholarship previously which the daughter declined so maybe the college gave to same scholarship offer again.

 

ETA:

Whether OP's daughter can get back on track by fall is anyone's guess. Probably harder because of new psych and new counselor, as in it takes time for rapport and trust.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Personally I don't think the details matter.  There is a basic principle here:  adult children need to get their own mail/ messages/ information and should not have that withheld from them. If they have a good relationship with parents and ask for help then of course parents will (I hope!) bend over backwards to help. If they have other support lined up and prefer to get help from those sources then they should.  They might drop the ball.  It's sad if they do but we can't always protect our kids from that.  And there are ways to get second/third chances later once things are more stable.  

 

 

[unsinkable]

This is what you said her senior year was like...a young woman threatening suicide is something that stands out in posts to me and not something I forget.

 

Now today, you said high school was when she had a controlled environment and things only got bad when she went to college. It doesn't sound that way...it sounds like things have been bad for years.

 

Those are 2 different things...a girl who has been struggling for years vs a girl who just had a very bad "launch."

 

This is what I mean about advice being useless. Advice for ongoing mental illness vs advice for a very bad launch are two vastly different things.

 

 

That is pretty much how senior went. She threatened suicide. She was screaming at me all the time. I have dealt with her for years and my husband never has. He claims what happened is a huge sign she needed to leave the school. I say she does not have good judgement and this was a very small campus, not far from home, where her own brother attends. I really felt once classes started and she also had a music scholarship so she was already involved there, things would be good. And she would be so close to home, she could come home any time. We are within an hour from the school.

 

Her only other choices are very large state universities that are extremely busy and frustrating to deal with. UT Dallas is one of them. She could apply to SMU, but I suspect she won't get the aid she needs to go there, and I suspect she would hate that school too. She is already in at Baylor honors college. But she didn't like that school too. She really does not want to be far from home. Baylor is over two hours from here. She did so well in high school because she took all AP classes which were all quite small. If she gets in to a large classes, her hearing issues kick in, and it is all over. She gets herself so worked up and upset that she cannot seem to get through it. Plus, again, money is an issue. We cannot afford Baylor.

 

I feel like my husband has no clue all that I have gone through. He works from home now, but has only been working from home a couple years. He has no clue to the living Hell I have been through with this girl and how carefully her environment for college was picked.