Daughter withdrew from college already, over roommate from Hell(picture added)Updated to add

[Elisabet1]

We met the roommate over the summer. She was rude. Her mother was nasty. The mother told my daughter that she has to bring a fridge and a shelf for the room because the room did not have one. My daughter said she wanted to have a plant and the woman said no. I told my daughter to let it go, we will address it in the fall. Then that was it, never heard from them the rest of the summer.

 

Show up for move in at 9am. Move in went from 9-5. Got completely moved in, then went through the union and paid for everything and checked in and all. Then, went to lunch and went shopping. Tried to call the roommate to ask how much longer before she gets there. Finally, my husband and I left at 3:30pm.

 

Throughout the rest of the day, the roommate does not show. Finally, my daughter texts that she is headed to the move in social and the roommate never showed. But then, on her way out, her roommate shows. The roommate and her parents come in to the room and start screaming and cussing at my daughter that she is rude and disrespectful that she moved in before their daughter and demanded that she remove everything from the drawers and closet (my daughter took the closet and dresser that the mother had pre-assigned her. She went along with it to not make waves and it did not matter between the dressers anyway, they were equal). My daughter did not even want a fridge, she would rather not even keep food in the room. They get unlimited access to the food service. The mom shoves the fridge and damages it. She grabs the shelf and moves it, knocking the books off of it. My daughter had taken the top and the bottom shelf and left the middle ones for the roommate. Other than the fridge and the shelf, everything was in the drawers or the closet. They kept yelling at my daughter and telling her how awful she is. My husband and I got in the car and started driving up there. They had her cornered in the room and would not let her leave to even get the RA. I called campus security on the way up and they went and rescued my daughter from the room and made the parents leave. My daughter was bawling at this point. The roommate heads for the social. The girls get told to stay out of the room until 9:30p which is when we were expected to arrive. The roommate goes down to the social where there are activities and games and then puts up a fake cry and tells everyone that my daughter would not allow her to move in and was hateful to her and made it out like she was the victim. My daughter is very introverted and a little hearing impaired (had surgery to correct hearing impairment but is still partially impaired) so she ended up sitting by the side watching this girl do this and being excluded because she was so upset and it is a small school, small dorm, and she did not want to get attacked so she was scared to go near the girl so she could be a part of things. Because the girl was ripping her to shreds. 

 

Then, they went back upstairs. My dh and I arrive. We see the damaged fridge and the knocked over shelf and all the books on the floor. The room is wall to wall with everything the girl brought including bulky furniture. We could barely walk in to the room because of this and could not open my daughter's closet door. The RA says she is going to work with the girls to try to get them to compromise. My husband and I told the RA that the only reason my daughter brought a fridge was that the mother told her to, she never wanted one herself. So, we took the fridge and the shelf home that night. But my daughter asked us to please not leave. It was a while before we could speak to her again. She said with the incident of the girl saying those nasty things about her to the other girls on the floor, she told my daughter"everyone hates you" and "I am going to make life Hell for you." My daughter did not feel safe staying in the room that night. It was 11pm by now. The dean came over to speak to us and he offered to send my daughter over to this other dorm. This other dorm is not nice at all. My son lived there last year and the rooms are very small and they had a big ant problem. I said "no, this girl and her parents are bullies and they have abused my daughter. My daughter moved in at 9am, this girl is not even moved in yet. If my daughter moves, she is moving home." And we left. 

 

The next morning, they called and said they were moving the girl out so my daughter could go back at 1pm. We went up there and my daughter was still upset and nervous. They had a meeting for the first year seminar groups. At this meeting, she got told there had been tons of house activities at the dorm for getting to know each other and stuff, and my daughter missed everything. This was just adding to things. So I went back to the dorm with my daughter (the reason I was still on campus is that we arrive just in time for the FYS meeting, so we dropped her at the building for that and my dh and I went to have lunch so we could meet her after that meeting and head up to her dorm and take her suitcase and such back in). So we went back to the dorm room and nothing further had been damaged. She now has her own room. But on the way in, the girl is getting off the elevator in a large group of friends and just stares my daughter down.

 

My daughter was very traumatized by all that happened the night before. We went in to her room and she sat there and cried and said she missed out on everything because of the roommate and now it appears that either the girl still lives in this small dorm, or she made friends with many people here. My daughter was scared from being bullied and intimidated by this girl. I tried to call the RA but the RA never answered I tried to call student services to see if anyone there could help my daughter, and they didn't answer. I hit voice mail everywhere. My daughter just sat there crying and says she doesn't know what to do, she hates staying because she knows everyone hates her because of what the girl did, the gossiping and such. I said she could come home with us because we cannot reach anyone to help.

 

We went to leave and my husband says if she is leaving, let's just move her out of the dorm room so we do not have to come back up. He said this is enough and the school is not helping enough by not giving her any support after all this. We moved everything out (I had my reservations at this point). Then we called to turn in the key. But, when we went to withdraw her, they finally came up with someone from student life to speak to her. And then this guy says he would like to speak to my daughter before we leave and see if there is anything he can do. I said sure, but my husband became angry and said "no! if they wanted to speak to her, they would have done it already." So, we left. I did not want to just leave, I wanted my daughter to speak to him.

 

At home, I let my husband cool off. My daughter goes and calls her boyfriend and they chat for hours. Then, when my husband was cooled off, I explain to him that I really think our daughter needs to just go back up and try. Well, my daughter had called back to the 2nd choice school and they said if she does not start classes anywhere, they will still give her her full scholarship to start in the spring. The 2nd choice school is bigger name than the very small liberal arts school my daughter was supposed to be at. And she cannot start until spring. (it is Baylor University, and they will reinstate her to the honors college too, and they have a better program for her major anyway. She did not pick it because with her ear trouble, she gets anxiety in crowds and loud places and it is a big school, she had picked the very small liberal arts school, only 1200 students total).

 

My husband feels the school is very small, and the waters are poisoned and this girl is a huge bully who is not going to leave our daughter alone. She said a lot more nasty stuff, but the post would be way longer if I tried to add all that too. I feel that the girl is just one girl, and my daughter's older brother goes there too and once all the upperclassmen are on campus, the girl will be noise in the wind and my daughter should go back. My daughter is just traumatized. She does not really want to go back, she would rather just move on to Baylor at this point. My daughter had great scholarships at the small school, so Baylor will cost us more, which the money thing really worries me. My son is very upset she won't be there. He had taken her around in the spring and she met a lot of people, his friends and everything. My daughter had a work study job in the music job. They had switched her to a single room. And with her AP credits, she will graduate in 3 years. And I know she was frazzled by the large crowds and such at Baylor. And Baylor in much further away, meaning, if my daughter had trouble with her anxiety down there, it will be much harder for her to just come home.

 

Anyone have advice?

 

I added the picture to show the side of the room my daughter was on. She had nothing else there except her stuff in the closet and the dresser. The fridge and the shelf were only there because the mom told us to. We paid for it, and my daughter did not even want it. After this pic was taken, she switched her books from those shelves to put top and bottom shelf leaving the girl with the middle shelves.

 

Confirmed the girl still lives in the dorm.

 

Updated: Spoke to the VP of student affairs, he says he does not believe anyone there is violent and my daughter is perfectly safe and if she wants to come back, fine, but they are very busy with orientation activities so he is not discussing this. He said she can come back if she wants, or not. And if we want to press criminal charges, need to contact the town police. That is it. He didn't sound like he cared at all to be honest. Meanwhile, my daughter is walking around really depressed. Actually, she is just sitting in her room crying for the most part. All this has been devastating to her.

[flyingiguana]

I'd advise calling the college again and letting them know what your current options are and how badly your daughter feels.  If they want you back, they may do more.

 

It sounds like it all happened rather fast and the people in charge may not have known exactly how bad it was.  Or had time to come up with a decent response.  Some may not have even been informed of what was happening.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about that other girl being queen bee of the whole college.  My guess is that she's going to have more interesting things to do than pick on one other person.  Your daughter just got caught up in it all because of her proximity.  (And once the other girl's parents are out of the picture, things may calm down considerably)

 

If your daughter chose this college over Baylor in the first place, she may still prefer this smaller college, despite what's happened.  She might need to give it a couple days cool-down before she sees this, so it might be worth still trying to work with the smaller college to see what they'll come up with.

 

I'd also call Baylor and explain the situation further to them, to see if they will agree to keep her scholarship even if she starts classes somewhere else.  (I don't see why this should be a big problem for them.  They're still holding it til spring, no matter what)

[maize]

Wow what a mess.

 

I am so sorry you and especially your daughter have been through this. On the whole, I don't think this one girl can ruin the college experience for your daughter. If she is as rude and obnoxious as she sounds, other people are going to catch on very quickly. While it would be nice to be away from her entirely, I don't think it is worth leaving a good fit college situation over a bully.

 

I do think your daughter should keep track of any future interactions with this girl, with witnesses if possible. 

[maize]

I'd advise calling the college again and letting them know what your current options are and how badly your daughter feels.  If they want you back, they may do more.

 

It sounds like it all happened rather fast and the people in charge may not have known exactly how bad it was.  Or had time to come up with a decent response.  Some may not have even been informed of what was happening.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about that other girl being queen bee of the whole college.  My guess is that she's going to have more interesting things to do than pick on one other person.  Your daughter just got caught up in it all because of her proximity.  (And once the other girl's parents are out of the picture, things may calm down considerably)

 

If your daughter chose this college over Baylor in the first place, she may still prefer this smaller college, despite what's happened.  She might need to give it a couple days cool-down before she sees this, so it might be worth still trying to work with the smaller college to see what they'll come up with.

 

I'd also call Baylor and explain the situation further to them, to see if they will agree to keep her scholarship even if she starts classes somewhere else.  (I don't see why this should be a big problem for them.  They're still holding it til spring, no matter what)

 

 

This sounds good. It sounds like the bully is still in your dd's dorm, perhaps she can be moved to another dorm?

[flyingiguana]

It would not surprise me if this was a planned attack so the other girl could get her own room.  In which case, your daughter really has nothing further to fear from her.

 

Also, I've never seen those college ice breaker/first week things to really be the place where you meet your friends.  My daughter met those kids once, and never saw them again.  Except maybe in her senior year when she saw one walking on the other side of the quad.  She went to a school with 2000 students.  It's not like it was huge.

[Elisabet1]

I'd advise calling the college again and letting them know what your current options are and how badly your daughter feels.  If they want you back, they may do more.

 

It sounds like it all happened rather fast and the people in charge may not have known exactly how bad it was.  Or had time to come up with a decent response.  Some may not have even been informed of what was happening.

 

If your daughter chose this college over Baylor in the first place, she may still prefer this smaller college, despite what's happened.  She might need to give it a couple days cool-down before she sees this, so it might be worth still trying to work with the smaller college to see what they'll come up with.

 

I'd also call Baylor and explain the situation further to them, to see if they will agree to keep her scholarship even if she starts classes somewhere else.  (I don't see why this should be a big problem for them.  They're still holding it til spring, no matter what)

They won't hold it because they are freshman scholarships. If she starts classes at all, anywhere else, she will only qualify for the transfer scholarships. The transfer scholarships are much smaller and much fewer, so harder to get.

 

She has a couple friends at Baylor already, which is, what I think, the only reason she is tipping that direction. Maybe that is an important factor that I am just not seeing. I feel like she will make friends at the small school, she just needs to give it more time.

[Elisabet1]

It would not surprise me if this was a planned attack so the other girl could get her own room.  In which case, your daughter really has nothing further to fear from her.

 I suspect it was for that,  based on the large amount of stuff she brought and the fact that she came so late.

 

Also, the school is very small, so there are less than 300 Freshmen, leading it to be a little harder to avoid this girl. Oh, and the move in social was at 8pm so the girl showed at about 7:45pm

[flyingiguana]

Is it too late to start at Baylor for this fall?

[flyingiguana]

And did you talk to Baylor?  Or was it only your daughter? 

 

If I were in this situation, I'd call myself.  Your daughter probably either didn't explain what happened, or was not really believed.  If Baylor knows it's a special situation, they might bend some rules.

[Elisabet1]

And did you talk to Baylor?  Or was it only your daughter? 

 

If I were in this situation, I'd call myself.  Your daughter probably either didn't explain what happened, or was not really believed.  If Baylor knows it's a special situation, they might bend some rules.

After my daughter called, I did call and followed up and spoke at length with the admissions counselor and yes, all info was correct. I felt it would be better if my daughter just started at the small school and then if it doesn't work out, transfer. But, my daughter says she would rather take the semester off and start at the big school in the spring. And it is too late for fall.

[73349]

I went to a college with ~1200 people. I promise you, Ms. Crazy did not get to know all the other freshmen in three hours and poison them against your daughter. Unless they have the same major or work-study or something, they will rarely see each other.

 

If she wants to go to Baylor, that's cool, but the small school doesn't need to be ruled out based on one incident during orientation. A joint meeting with the dean and head of campus security would probably be enough to take care of it.

[elegantlion]

What a crappy situation and I'm trying to think how I might respond as a parent not having been through the roommate issue. After consoling my child, I would try to think about the greater life lesson. I know she had some indecision on where to attend in the first place (IIRC) and now this. If she already deals with anxiety, I can see this being an issue. However, mean people abound. It sounds like this girl won't be rooming with her but will be around. Personally, I'm old enough and witchy enough to not let one bad person determine the course of my life. At 17 or 18, I was not that strong and would have wanted to retreat and leave too. 

 

She could end up with mean people around her at Baylor, a mean professor, a mean person in the same major. I mean the possibilities are endless for that scenario. In choosing, how I would want my child to respond, I would push them to return. They either now have a room to themselves or will get another (hopefully nicer) roommate. Once classes start, hopefully people will be busy actually studying that she can find her groove and her friends. I get that she feels she's started on the wrong foot, but this is a chance to start again, everyone fails, everyone encounters a situation that ends up reflecting poorly on them, whether they were wrong on not. Our response to that situation can be hard, but it is character building (sounds cliche I know). 

 

As a child I was overly sensitive (still am as an adult). I was also verbally bullied in elementary school and that had an impact. I backed down from many situations in life and it took until I was an adult a long time to truly stand up for what *I* wanted instead of avoiding confrontation and running away. My parents let me back down and I became the queen of reasons NOT to do something. I really believe it hindered me reaching the goals I had in life. All that to say, I get her side of things. 

 

The school is NOT this one girl, regardless of how it feels right now. Unless there were extenuating circumstances with her anxiety, I would encourage her to return, hold her head high, and avoid that girl. In the end, that girl may be the one who ends up looking like a jerk once people see through all of that girl's drama. 

[abacus2]

I would talk to the police about your daughter being assaulted. I am not sure if there is anything the police would do now, but I would definitely want an official record in case it continues or escalates if she returns. The college needs to know that this was an attack, not a disagreement, and take appropriate actions before I think it makes sense to go back.

 

Also, maybe Baylor is the best place for her and this will all work out.

[elegantlion]

It could be that the other mom knew she could order your dd around, starting with the fridge purchase. Personally, I would never buy something because someone told me to. It could be that there was a discussion and a compromise was reached where both parties agreed to the purchase, me being won over by the other person's reasoning. However, college is not an inexpensive endeavor (duh!), I would never dictate to my son's roommate what they HAD to bring to school. Waves or no waves, they don't know my financial situation and I don't know theirs. It's neither ones place to dictate. 

[readinmom]

I'm going on the other issue here. When your dd needed help, the school failed to address her needs or provide a safe environment. What if something else happens with this girl? Aren't dorms supposed to be the safe haven? Previous posters are probably correct when saying the girl just wanted her own room. Unfortunately it came at the cost of your dd's happiness and well being.

[G5052]

After my daughter called, I did call and followed up and spoke at length with the admissions counselor and yes, all info was correct. I felt it would be better if my daughter just started at the small school and then if it doesn't work out, transfer. But, my daughter says she would rather take the semester off and start at the big school in the spring. And it is too late for fall.

 

It sounds like your daughter has made her decision, but indeed this type of thing isn't uncommon.  

 

I was an RA and then head RA at a small school and had to work through this type of thing multiple times where a bullying roommate did all they could to drive out the other.  One time a kid came home from class to find all of his belongings outside the room and hung from a tree outside their door.  My boss took bullying complaints very seriously, and we always moved out the one being bullied if the complaints were indeed real from what we could gather.  We didn't try to make them get along unless it was on the level of minor irritation.  I would also get someone from the campus police to come with me to go give the offender a serious talking to, and we'd put a note in their record kept by the campus police.  The one that drove out the roommate paid the room change fee for the one they picked on, and the single room fee.

 

With that approach, none of the students that had to change for bullying left that semester, although of course I can't speak to long-term.  To my knowledge the bullying never continued.

 

In general, I would say that it isn't good to buy anything that depends on a particular roommate.  Freshman change roommates a lot.  We actually waved the room change fee in the first month for new students who worked out their own arrangements with the RA's involved.

[Elisabet1]

I'm going on the other issue here. When your dd needed help, the school failed to address her needs or provide a safe environment. What if something else happens with this girl? Aren't dorms supposed to be the safe haven? Previous posters are probably correct when saying the girl just wanted her own room. Unfortunately it came at the cost of your dd's happiness and well being.

They even moved the girl within the dorm. So all the social activities will involve that girl being there. The dorm is small and they have what is called "clusters" that they do things with each other. We felt the RA did not take things seriously, and the school downplayed how bad it was.

[Robin in DFW]

No words of wisdom, but we've had our share of Roommate Hell.  Both my dd's went away to college (the same college, different years) and lived in dorms.  Awful situation.  I don't know how people live in those.  My dd's are not bossy and wanted to be agreeable with their roommates.  I think it's a case of entitlement syndrome...these kids want it their way or no way and will bully to get it (their parents too).

 

Both my dd's went to this school for ONE semester and then came home and transferred to community college.  They were at home without the drama and could concentrate on school NOT the politics of dorm life.  They both say that was the worst experience of their lives. 

 

 

One dd had a full scholarship, but it wasn't worth it.  No scholarship is worth the mental anguish and the change it will make in your dd.  Trust me, my dd came home a very different person after only one semester with these people.  It took a long time for her to get over it.  It really did a number on her self-esteem and confidence.

 

Sorry, I don't have any advice other than Baylor is a nice school.  

 

I hope you can work it out.

[Paige]

What would she do if she stayed home this semester? Would she work, study more at home, volunteer, etc? It might be good for your DD to take a semester, get her feet wet in independence and adult interactions in the community, and then begin school with a little more experience and money in her pocket. I wouldn't want her staying home and lounging around the house, but if she has a plan for something to make these months productive then it could be a good thing.

 

I would let her make the decision herself. You could help her draw up a list of pros and cons, but make her choose. It sounds like she may need to build up her voice and become more assertive about her wants and needs. That's not a criticism- I think most young women have the same issue at that age. 

 

I would not force her to go back to this school if she doesn't want to because I think it would work against her feeling in control of her life. How can she be assertive in school when she can't be assertive at home? It may be an impulsive decision or may be one that we'd advice against, but she needs the chance to make the decision. If she decides to go back to the small school on her own, she'll enter with a different attitude and perspective than if she was pushed into it. 

[Elisabet1]

What would she do if she stayed home this semester? Would she work, study more at home, volunteer, etc? It might be good for your DD to take a semester, get her feet wet in independence and adult interactions in the community, and then begin school with a little more experience and money in her pocket. I wouldn't want her staying home and lounging around the house, but if she has a plan for something to make these months productive then it could be a good thing.

 

I would let her make the decision herself. You could help her draw up a list of pros and cons, but make her choose. It sounds like she may need to build up her voice and become more assertive about her wants and needs. That's not a criticism- I think most young women have the same issue at that age. 

 

I would not force her to go back to this school if she doesn't want to because I think it would work against her feeling in control of her life. How can she be assertive in school when she can't be assertive at home? It may be an impulsive decision or may be one that we'd advice against, but she needs the chance to make the decision. If she decides to go back to the small school on her own, she'll enter with a different attitude and perspective than if she was pushed into it. 

She had two summer jobs and I think she could get both back. One was at a science center teaching kids. The science center has home school classes so she is going to call and see if she can work those. The other was just a minimum wage job. Also, today, my younger one is going to Nutcracker Auditions and I asked her if she would like to go audition for an adult part. She did the Nutcracker when she was younger, but is not a point dancer. Adult parts don't require point.

[MarkT]

I don't have time to read your whole post but if the college is not willing to help out then you should name that school here to help others.  I am sure you have dropped big bucks on this whole ordeal.

good luck

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I would encourage her to go to Baylor in the spring, fresh start and all that, but to seriously focus on independence and coping skills between now and then. Don't stay home most of the time, but get out into the world with jobs, activities, socializing. Maybe take self-defense and public speaking classes for confidence. Become the person who can't be bullied, because bullies are everywhere.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[creekland]

Just  :grouphug: .  I'd be letting my daughter choose if this were our situation.  

 

And I'm cutting and pasting your initial report to send to my middle son who is an RA and getting his freshmen in next week.  He'll either be prepared for the worst or relieved that he gets a decent group!

 

I actually feel sorry not only for your dd, but also for the other girl - having been brought up by that mother and thinking her behavior is normal.  

 

Nonetheless,  :grouphug:  for your situation for sure!

[Mom2Two]

          I would definitely let her make this decision and not force her to go back to that school.  Baylor in the spring sounds like a good plan!

[dirty ethel rackham]

I haven't read all the responses, but my blood is boiling for your poor daughter.  This isn't just bullying, but closer to a mugging.  This is not a "social" problem, but a criminal one.  The police should have been called and the other girl should have been kicked out over this behavior (or at least some disciplinary action should have been taken.)  I think you need to call the original school back and explain to them what happened and that your daughter was prevented from calling for help.  The fact that the other girl is still a student and has not been kicked out or had disciplinary action against her is very problematic.  Before leaving for good, I would meet with the Dean of Students with your daughter and discuss the situation with them. AFter that, you can figure out whether or not it would be worth it to have her enroll at the bigger school 

[hillfarm]

If your dd still wants to be at the smaller school, then she needs to fight for it.

 

Contact the Dean of Student's office and the campus PD and make sure they all know how she was treated. Then find out what needs to happen to have her continue there. Contact the local PD and see if they can offer any options toward a restraining order, if need be. And let it be know far and wide that you are doing this.

 

She really didn't miss all that much with the freshman orientation activities. I remember a cookout with sketchy food, a "bull session" where all the girls on my floor sat around and blubbered about how much they were going to miss high school and how they were at college to seek world peace, and a dull trip to the campus bookstore. No real earthshattering revelations.

 

While the nut-case girl may be roaming around with a group of others, it is incorrect to assume they are her friends. They probably don't know even know her other than to recognize that she is in the same dorm building. Sounds like your dd already has some social contacts, with her brother and some of his friends and therefore, probably a stronger social network that this other girl has. It also sounds like if the other girl is that unstable, she will poison her own environment against herself, without any help from your dd.

 

So if she wants to be there, then I would go for it.

 

If she doesn't have it in her to fight for it, then perhaps waiting until second semester would be a good option. I would contact the school to see if she could do online classes from home until then. However, she needs to deal with this issue in the meantime. Her fear of interaction or confrontation with the other girl may build during the time she is not there and ruin any future attendance for her if it is not dealt with now. I would attend school activities, make friends with her brother's circle, and make an effort to join social groups of her own, even while she is an online student.

 

Her brother can keep an eye on how things are going with the crazy roommate. If the school is that small, word will travel fast. I would encourage him to be very factual about what happened with his sister. Spreading poison is one thing, refusing to hide the truth of what really happened is not gossip. It is clarification.

 

So sorry your dd has had to learn this so early, but the fact is that in life, you have to decide which things are worth fighting for. And if something is worth it, then you can try to defuse the situation or to find other workable solutions, but sometimes it comes down to direct confrontation. In those cases, stand your ground, state your case, and don't let others walk all over you. Good luck.

[Barbara H]

What a horrible situation - it is so sad that happened during such an important transition!

 

One thing that sometimes helps is to try to identify specifically what could resolve the situation or if it is just too far gone to fix.

 

If I'm understanding so far it sounds like the college has:

Offered a different room in a different building

Given her the original room

Given her a single

 

Obviously they can't turn back time and make the girls get along or assign a different roommate or respond more quickly. They can't make your daughter feel better about leaving campus and missing orientation activities. They can't make kids not gossip. So, the question is... is there something specific that the school could o or that you could do? Would it resolve the situation given the anxiety she's feeling from this difficult experience.

 

One thing she may want to weigh is that while she's missed some orientation activities this week at Baylor she would have missed a whole semester. Which one of those is going to more impact on getting to know other people?

[almondbutterandjelly]

((hugs)) I would pull her out and send her to a local or community college.  I have a sensitive dd like yours, and unless you parent a kid like that, it's hard for others to understand.  I don't think that your dd is quite ready to live away from home.  

 

Bullies generally never messed with me because... well, I practiced avoidance, but if push came to shove, I could shove pretty well.  But I know my sensitive dd is not like me.  A situation like your dd experienced would be EXTREMELY traumatizing.  Don't allow it to continue, Mama.  The girl drama wasn't started by your dd, but it will be inflicted upon her.  

[abacus2]

What a horrible situation - it is so sad that happened during such an important transition!

 

One thing that sometimes helps is to try to identify specifically what could resolve the situation or if it is just too far gone to fix.

 

If I'm understanding so far it sounds like the college has:

Offered a different room in a different building

Given her the original room

Given her a single

 

Obviously they can't turn back time and make the girls get along or assign a different roommate or respond more quickly. They can't make your daughter feel better about leaving campus and missing orientation activities. They can't make kids not gossip. So, the question is... is there something specific that the school could o or that you could do? Would it resolve the situation given the anxiety she's feeling from this difficult experience.

 

One thing she may want to weigh is that while she's missed some orientation activities this week at Baylor she would have missed a whole semester. Which one of those is going to more impact on getting to know other people?

 

She was assaulted, but the college treated in like a disagreement that got heated. The parents should have been ejected from campus and the girl should have had disciplinary action against her.

[Χά�ων]

I would talk to the police about your daughter being assaulted. I am not sure if there is anything the police would do now, but I would definitely want an official record in case it continues or escalates if she returns. The college needs to know that this was an attack, not a disagreement, and take appropriate actions before I think it makes sense to go back.

 

Also, maybe Baylor is the best place for her and this will all work out.

This. Talk to the police. Get the report from campus security. Pull her and go to Baylor.

[unsinkable]

My son goes to a college of similar size and I am guessing the colleges have a similar tuition.

 

I can't imagine that a college getting 2 students from the same family to enroll ($$$) and dorm ($$$) would throw that away so cavalierly.

[idnib]

I don't know what I would do and I don't have advice. :grouphug: 

 

But I am questioning the idea that Veruca Salt the roommate just did this to get her own room, although I know that happens. I ask because if she was planning at the most one night in the shared room, would she have had your daughter get the fridge?

[Χά�ων]

The deans response is gross. It's probably too late to call the police.

No, it is not. 

[aggieamy]

I'm going on the other issue here. When your dd needed help, the school failed to address her needs or provide a safe environment. What if something else happens with this girl? Aren't dorms supposed to be the safe haven? Previous posters are probably correct when saying the girl just wanted her own room. Unfortunately it came at the cost of your dd's happiness and well being.

 

Great point.  

 

Get her outta there.  What if it's a more serious problem?  What if it's a stalking boyfriend?  Or a professor that's too friendly?  This college has completely failed in taking care of a problem that they should have been able to fix.  I wouldn't trust them with my kid.  

[Catherine]

I'm so sorry this happened and your daughter was blindsided by this college age queen bee.  But I would caution you a tiny bit against totally identifying with her as the vulnerable one...not because she was the agressor, but becuase you might unwittingly reinforce her sense of herself as not ready to handle tough situations.  I suspect the dean's response was along those same lines-yes, the roommate was horrible, but your choices are clear cut: leave, move to a different dorm, stay alone in the original room with queen bee nearby.  And I do see those as her choices.  But the dean, the police, the campus security, are not going to be able to make this girl and her hatefulness go away. 

 

I am not in your situation, but I hope that if I was, I would find a way to help my child really detach a bit from the emotion of the situation and try to dispassionately evaluate her options.  It sounds like the LAC has considerable advantages for her, including that her brother is a student there!!  That is a pretty significant factor.

 

Mean people are a fact of life.  Tenderhearted, introverted young women are going to eventually find themselves having to cope with nasty people. I suspect many of us had to learn these skills-I did.   I think there must be a big temptation to rescue her from the situation, but I think it could be a real win-win situation for her if you can coach her through this without ending up supporting her in running away.  I honestly don't think that is what is best, given that, I assume, she chose this school as a favorite.  If it was me, I hope I would encourage my daughter to stay in the good dorm.  I think even leaving for a different dorm sends the message to the bully that she has succeeded and invites more attacks.  Connect her with resources within the school that will help.  Pursue any action against the other parents that is supported by the facts. 

[MidwesternMom]

Did anyone else besides your daughter witness the parents yelling at her and cornering her in the room? I ask because one of my kiddos has anxiety issues that often lead him to report that people were yelling at him (and I am sure he feels like they are!) when people are just talking to him in a normal tone of voice but saying things that he has anxiety about.

 

If your dd is very sensitive, she might be better off with a single room at the small school than an unknown room at a larger school after missing a semester to boot.

 

I don't think missing orientation 'getting to know you' activities is really a great loss, especially compared to missing a whole semester. I think so many kids are nervous or overly excited by being away from home, very little of their real personalities are revealed. I remember both of my freshman year roommates introducing themselves with little speeches about purity, and being very prim. Three months later, they needed a revolving door for all the drunk frat boys they brought home. If I'd chosen them as friends based on how they presented themselves the first few weeks of school, I'd have been in for a real let down by Christmas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Elisabet1]

Did anyone else besides your daughter witness the parents yelling at her and cornering her in the room? I ask because one of my kiddos has anxiety issues that often lead him to report that people were yelling at him (and I am sure he feels like they are!) when people are just talking to him in a normal tone of voice but saying things that he has anxiety about.

 

If your dd is very sensitive, she might be better off with a single room at the small school than an unknown room at a larger school after missing a semester to boot.

 

I don't think missing orientation 'getting to know you' activities is really a great loss, especially compared to missing a whole semester. I think so many kids are nervous or overly excited by being away from home, very little of their real personalities are revealed. I remember both of my freshman year roommates introducing themselves with little speeches about purity, and being very prim. Three months later, they needed a revolving door for all the drunk frat boys they brought home. If I'd chosen them as friends based on how they presented themselves the first few weeks of school, I'd have been in for a real let down by Christmas.

She called me and put me on speaker phone. I know she actually can overreact to things, but she did put me on speaker phone. Actually, I was the one who called her because she texted me. And they were just screaming at her the entire time. Plus, we had met them over the summer and this matched up with what we saw over the summer. 

[flyingiguana]

I don't know what I would do and I don't have advice. :grouphug:

 

But I am questioning the idea that Veruca Salt the roommate just did this to get her own room, although I know that happens. I ask because if she was planning at the most one night in the shared room, would she have had your daughter get the fridge?

a) it was a later decision

 

b ) she hoped the fridge would get left behind for her after her roommate left

 

c) she thought an unreasonable demand early on would make her roommate switch to someone else

 

I'm also curious how this girl will behave without her parents around. There might be some odd family dynamics that are making things very weird.

[JanetC]

I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry that this happened to your daughter. I hope she has a better experience at Baylor.

 

:hugs:

[Reefgazer]

I'm sorry that your DD's first college experience was miserable.  But I do think the decision on where to attend should solely belong to your DD, without input or help from either you or her father.  But there are a few lessons she should take home on this one to prevent future problems:  1) do not allow future roommates or their parents to set her agenda, and 2) do not ever allow future roommates or bullies to determine whether she fully participates in school/dorm life  again.

 

Good luck to her with her decision about her future.

[abacus2]

I am, and always have been, a confident woman who does not put up with being bullied and doesn't not tend to get overly emotional about what are clearly other people's issues. This is not that kind of situation. Even "mean people" who are everywhere are not generally directly attacking me in my own room. That is not ok and not something someone should "toughen up" about, but rather a situation where you go to authorities in search of protection. If the authorities will not provide protection, leaving the danger area is an emotionally healthy response.

 

Best wishes to you and your daughter as you make a plan from here. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[NCMom]

I'm sorry that your DD's first college experience was miserable.  But I do think the decision on where to attend should solely belong to your DD, without input or help from either you or her father.  But there are a few lessons she should take home on this one to prevent future problems:  1) do not allow future roommates or their parents to set her agenda, and 2) do not ever allow future roommates or bullies to determine whether she fully participates in school/dorm life  again.

 

Good luck to her with her decision about her future.

 

Normally I don't think re-hashing stuff crazy people do is necessarily all that useful, but it this case I think you and dd should really, really talk this out.

 

 

I think the bolded is where it began. NO ONE gets to force another adult to buy something for a dorm room.  NO ONE gets to trap you in a room and yell at you. Never.ever.ever.  You can say no to stupid irrational requests, like demands for refrigerators. You can dial 911 and screamed the hall down, if people verbally assault you, trash your stuff and block you in a room. 

 

Maybe you and your dd need to look at your thinking in this area.  I have been there, done that....  YOU do not have to do what other people tell you just to keep the peace, and it is usually possible to do this in a rational non-confrontational way.  

 

It is not making waves to stand up for one's self.  I would have requested a new roommate this summer, the very second they insisted that your dd must buy stuff for the room, and would have sent the school copies of every email/communication that the crazy people sent if the school needed to know why.

 

This is a problem bigger than a roommate - and I am not minimizing that problem.

 

For the roommate issue, I would send/re-send every bit of info I had to the school detailing the incidents, starting with this summer, and allow them to make a further response before deciding on a course of action. DD and I would sit down and do it right now.  (Edited to take out not useful, personal stuff)

 

I would also call the police and make a report, also asap.  (Something I never advocate on this board, lol.)  At the very least, if this girl does this sort of thing again, it will be documented.

 

:grouphug:

 

Georgia

[Artichoke]

Sounds like your daughter had a frightful time, but I hope you all take a few days to hopefully let emotions settle and to be able to look at things more clearly.

If I had to advise my child, I'd probably have her call the Dean of Students and ask for a meeting with your family. Let her describe to the dean her take on the situation and her fears while you parents listen and help, if needed. Since your daughter wants to go to this college, try to find a solution that works for everyone and where everyone feels that the solution is a good one. It's a good thing for your dd to learn to advocate for herself with mom and dad there to back her up.

Some things that would cause us to encourage a child to return are a brother on campus and a dean who came to your daughter's room at 11:00pm. The 11:00pm visit signals to me that the college was taking things seriously. They've also removed the girl from the room and let you know that criminal reports have to happen through the town police. I'm reading those things as a willingness on the college's part to respond appropriately.

There's really no easy way to say this next part, but I think it's important to note:

No matter where your daughter ends up, I hope that she (and possibly you) learn to be more proactive and assertive when dealing with a challenging situation. The initial visit with the roommate would in no way have ended with us agreeing to purchase items that we had no desire to use or spend money on.

There are unreasonable people everywhere, and sometimes some real doozies to deal with, so we really all need to learn how to communicate effectively and stand up for ourselves. I truly wish you and your family all the best as you make such huge decisions.

Eta: I'd probably also ask my older son's advice as well, since he lives on the campus and is familiar with it.

[Jenny in Florida]

There's really no easy way to say this next part, but I think it's important to note:

 

No matter where your daughter ends up, I hope that she (and possibly you) learn to be more proactive and assertive when dealing with a challenging situation. The initial visit with the roommate would in no way have ended with us agreeing to purchase items that we had no desire to use or spend money on.

 

I absolutely agree. 

[Elisabet1]

a) it was a later decision

 

b ) she hoped the fridge would get left behind for her after her roommate left

 

c) she thought an unreasonable demand early on would make her roommate switch to someone else

 

I'm also curious how this girl will behave without her parents around. There might be some odd family dynamics that are making things very weird.

The mom told my daughter back in June to bring the fridge and the shelf. She had contact with my daughter again very early July, which is when her daughter told my daughter that she doesn't want to talk how to arrange the room or anything and told my daughter to do whatever she wanted. Oh, and it was in June (room preview day) that the mom told my daughter which closet and dresser to take.

 

I have grown to think this is on purpose because when my daughter tried to contact her any time after that, the girl would not respond. Then, the girl showed up when my daughter was supposed to be out of the room and brought so much stuff that another person would not even fit in the room. The move-in social was at 8pm and she arrives at 7:45pm. My daughter saw her on the way out so it was closer to 8 when she got to the room. It feels like she planned it that way. My daughter had even called her during the day of move in to ask when she was coming, but the girl did not answer. We agreed to just buy the fridge when the mom asked because fridge's are not super expensive and I did not want to make waves. I figured we have younger children and will use it eventually for them anyway so it was not worth arguing about. I was bothered by the shelf, but we had one in the house that would work. Both were a pain to move up there.

[creekland]

The mom told my daughter back in June to bring the fridge and the shelf. She had contact with my daughter again very early July, which is when her daughter told my daughter that she doesn't want to talk how to arrange the room or anything and told my daughter to do whatever she wanted. Oh, and it was in June (room preview day) that the mom told my daughter which closet and dresser to take.

 

I have grown to think this is on purpose because when my daughter tried to contact her any time after that, the girl would not respond. Then, the girl showed up when my daughter was supposed to be out of the room and brought so much stuff that another person would not even fit in the room. The move-in social was at 8pm and she arrives at 7:45pm. My daughter saw her on the way out so it was closer to 8 when she got to the room.

 

Reading more about this... my guess is girl and mom aren't very organized or on top of things.  They arrived late and were probably quite stressed out to be honest (having seen late arrivals at colleges).  They likely don't handle stress well... perhaps an understatement!

 

Since your daughter doesn't have to room with her (and has a single), I'd kind of find myself in favor of her returning.  She does have friends - and her brother - there, and it would be ideal for her to overcome this sort of a situation IMO.

 

I doubt the college can do much to be honest.  I doubt it's a case where they don't care since they did act that evening and did move the other gal out.  There just weren't any witnesses making it difficult for them to take sides in the issue.  A police report is probably the best you can do, but honestly, I'd likely let it go at this point.

 

Bad things happen out there.  The "winner" overcomes them - maybe not right on the spot (few of us are that quick thinking), but after careful thought.

[Elisabet1]

I realized when I went back to help her pack from the drawer that the TI-84 plus calculator was not there. I asked my daughter if she had taken it and my daughter had not, she thought I must have gotten it when it was gone. That was $130.

[flyingiguana]

I realized when I went back to help her pack from the drawer that the TI-84 plus calculator was not there. I asked my daughter if she had taken it and my daughter had not, she thought I must have gotten it when it was gone. That was $130.

Have the police been notified of this?

 

The damage to property might not be taken all that seriously, but a theft will be.

[JanetC]

I would not force my daughter to go back somewhere she does not feel safe, and it is not at all clear to me that the supports she would need to make this a successful experience would be there for her.

 

I think that you should look into counseling during the gap semester to deal with the trauma she went through and to work on her personal assertiveness.  A martial arts class (where she could work on self defense without anyone pressuring her to describe what happened) might be a good supplement to therapy.  There are many forms, she could find one that fits her style.

 

Yes, this roommate and her family were a piece of work, but it did not help that they clearly smelled weakness in your DD (and you?) and pushed as far as they could get away with.  Unfortunately, this experience may have increased her scent of fear and make her even more timid.  You don't want the first thing that goes wrong at her next school to cause her to relive this experience and shut down.

 

Once again, hugs to both of you and good luck with your decisions.

 

ETA: With regards to the police, I'm inclined to think that if you are not gong back, you should put what happened on the official record.  If you are going back, going to the police would just give this person an excuse to seek revenge, and there is no reason to believe that she would not do so.