WinsomeCreek Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 This isn't JAWM because I would like suggestions. Nicely though, I'm sensitive at the moment. My family is taking our first real family vacation. We went across the country and had a special event to attend. Dh is a workaholic. I basically raise the kids alone without family or help. I'm okay with that most of the time. It does leave me tired and in need of a vacation though. Dh invited too many very extended family and friends to our special event. I understand his desire to have family around and to contact these super sweet extended relatives since we lack interested closer family. I also understand his wanting to see friends in one fell swoop. At the airport we ran into 3 of his friends who are staying at the same hotel, the whole time we are there as it turns out. 3 more arrived the next night. Same hotel. The second night one of the first party moved to a room next to us. Some of the family contacted cannot make it, but live close to where we're visiting and want us to come see them another day (not at all going to happen due to extreme inconvenience) and some of the family expressed interest in spending another day joining us in activities. We had 10 join us for the event and dinner. I genuinely like the company of all. Dh is a work hard, play hard guy. He has not been around the kids all that much for everyday living. This alone causes some friction because his expectations and assumptions are occasionally unrealistic, like thinking it's ok to have kids wait hours (like after 1 pm) to eat. Yes, they can do it, but not be expected to be cooperative and uncomplaining. He does not plan appropriate family outings, leading to frequent shifting on my part to stay within reasonable parameters. It all makes me feel like I'm micromanaging. It's work. I'm an introvert. I looked forward to seeing the sights and relaxing, not socializing. I feel cheated out of what I consider a vacation. Since we haven't had a vacation before I see that we should have talked a lot more about what each of us expected. This seems to be dh's idea of vacation. At this point I'm not sure what's fair or reasonable. The first night Dh was tired and grumpy because it took forever to get overstimulated kids to sleep while his friends went out on the town. One guy left his wife and kid at the hotel to go out with the guys, but Dh stayed to show his 'support.' Last night after a large group dinner Dh went 'out to a show' with the guys. He got back to the hotel at 4:30am. I yelled at him asking him on what planet he thought that was ok. Basically he's giving me and the kids the same pounding coffee, overtired dad. The hurtfulness of this can be understood in the context of how little time we have together. And how little time I have for myself. It is nearly zero on both accounts. How do I shift my expectations of this trip? Do I try to establish boundaries with (very nice) people that we now have as close as the room next to us (who informed us that they can hear us through the wall-eek!). Do I take a breath a find gratitude for having the support of so many (event is for one of our kids) since we have fairly selfish, uninterested closer family? I want to figure out how to enjoy the rest of vacation while here. Or should I reframe this trip and plan a new vacation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I do think you need to talk through your expectations, if at all possible. Explain that you were hoping to spend time alone with him and the children. And suggest that half the time be spent doing the kinds of things that he likes and half the time doing the things that you like. Then sit down to plan the remaining days. I don't know if that will fly in your relationship, but that is what I would hope to do. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinsomeCreek Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 We briefly talked- after I yelled at him. He has agreed to set limits on social time and make sure our family has our own time. Part of the problem is that I suck at saying no. He wants the action, hasn't seen these friends in some time and now we have set up a situation where he knows I feel guilty and will invite everyone or say go ahead. We're both obvious, but there it is. He already told folks our plans for today. One friend has to go home later today, leaving it as our only day to spend with that family. Every day we are here has something like that. I think we'll end up blocking out specific family outings or meals. The problem is we never have time to talk. This vacation was for me at least going to finally be time for that. I'll admit to jealousy as well. He wasn't out doing anything nefarious. They spent the night talking, catching up. It's just that I wanted that for myself and his time and energy for our family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 It sounds as if rather than his 'agreeing to set limits on social time' you need to sit down with him and plan the remaining days on paper, with times blocked out for family. Otherwise, there will always be just one more social event.... Best of luck L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I am in a somewhat similar situation, in that I do a lot, alone. In my experience, men like your dh are not capable of changing on a dime, so you may have to cope with this vacation by just getting through it. BUT. Part of the dynamic is your introversion and reluctance to say no. I think that now, or in time, part of what will need to change is your willingness to let things stay as they are. As in, learning to assert yourself without losing it, and learning to speak your mind about your needs. There's no time like the present! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 It sounds like this special event is a reunion or similar where he is meeting a bunch of people he hasn't seen in a while? If so, I'd change my expectations and let him have fun. We've been to hubby's reunions. I like having him catch up with old friends. I get my enjoyment out of that (more or less), but I've also taken the kids back to the hotel and let them enjoy the pool or other things too. Then... what you need... is a vacation for YOUR family. Is this possible (time and financially)? This would be something you would set up knowing what all of you like - something for you, something for the kids, something for hubby, but generally things all of you can do. Is there a time you can sit down with hubby and have a heart to heart about it? I'd hate to see him miss out on time with his friends since he rarely sees them, but I fully get you wanting your time on a vacation too. On a side, have you ever read about love languages? It could be worth it if you haven't. It sounds like yours is time and his isn't. If both of you can read about them and understand each other's language - it could do wonders overall. My love language is time. Hubby's is verbal/affirmation. We've done exceedingly better as a couple once we've learned each other's language. Work-a-holics, esp, can need tutoring on the time bit since it doesn't come naturally to them IME. In the meantime, what can you do with the kids - anything special - even pool time? Or computer time researching the family trip you want to take? :coolgleamA: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I think it is perfectly understandable that you feel disappointed. You seem to have had a certain vision of what your vacation would be like and the reality is very different. I suspect your husband had a very different idea and (at first at least) just organized his idea of a great vacation. Now you are stuck in the middle of two perfectly valid plans. At this point I would see if I could carve out some quiet afternoon or morning time with the family and let him spend the other time doing his thing. When you are home and the pressure is off a discussion about expectations would be good but at this point I'd probably just try to make the best of it. As an aside, I am the extrovert married to the introvert and we have very different love languages. Your husband is not trying to willfully ruin your vacation he is just enjoying himself. You aren't trying to ruin his fun, you are trying to enjoy yourself. It takes a certain balance that is hard to find. I am sorry this isn't what you hoped for :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I can relate--DH works long hours, but it was even worse when the kids were little. I'd too feel hurt and disappointed and angry. I'd too imagine our vacation as a talking time and reconnecting time, only it wouldn't happen. My advice is to adjust your expectations and muster gratitude. Full disclosure--I've never been able to do it. :smilielol5: But from my experience setting boundaries or "trying to talk"--this doesn't work on vacations. Both of you will end up angry and resentful. It will NOT magically turn this vacation into the lovely vacation you imagined. I think that the best strategy would be to find a way to accept the situation, go with the flow, and enjoy what you can--maybe seeing your DH happy? Yeah yeah, I know. It is hard. But again, in retrospect I think this is better than the other option. Enjoy what you can, enjoy watching your DH being happy and in his element but then ask for the next vacation to be your way. If you can't have another vacation soon, figure out if you can have a "mini vacation" with your best friend while you hire a sitter. Also, treat yourself on this vacation! Buy something you normally wouldn't. Try a new food. Go sightseeing just you and the kids. Eat out more rather than trying to save on food. Buy special gifts to your kids (this always makes me and the kids happy. I like creating "vacation memories"--we have special books and toys that we got on vacations, and they are treasured by all and bring wonderful memories. Your kids *will* have wonderful memories, their perceptions and experiences are totally different.) :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I can really understand what you are going through. It is tough. Hang in there. ETA: Oh, do try to enjoy those nice people who are your family. I'm an introvert, so I understand, but try to enjoy. Make friends. Make connections. Find out more about them. Then keep in touch. You never know, maybe your next vacation will be flying solo to meet up with an introverted, museum loving auntie Bonnie, while DH stays home with the kids for a couple of days. ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 How do I shift my expectations of this trip? Do I try to establish boundaries with (very nice) people that we now have as close as the room next to us (who informed us that they can hear us through the wall-eek!). Do I take a breath a find gratitude for having the support of so many (event is for one of our kids) since we have fairly selfish, uninterested closer family? I want to figure out how to enjoy the rest of vacation while here. Or should I reframe this trip and plan a new vacation? Your husband invited a bunch of his friends to an event centered on one of your kids? This is not a family vacation, if that's the case. If he invited people to come, he has to pay attention to them. (Of course he should pay attention to his own family too, and not be staying out all night with the guys.) I agree with the pp who suggested planning a real family vacation, if time and funds allow. Make the best of this trip now, then at a later time talk with your husband about the trip and what you would like to do differently next time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 He needs to carve out a week either right after this "vacation" or soon, and plan on being just a dad/hubby, with no extra folks around. A week geared towards what YOU set up as fun FAMILY activities so the kids get some memories with an attentive dad. Good Luck. Oh, and while there are so many family members around, could some of them babysit so you can hubby can have a nice dinner out by yourselves? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I'd just forget about saving this one. It's not a family vacation at all. No wonder you are disappointed. I'm being blunt, so pls forgive-- You guys don't need a family vacation; it won't solve anything. You need to change your "everyday." That takes effort, and skilled communication. I'd suggest an Alpha Marriage course, if you are Christian, and/or some counseling. Honestly--you are probably sucking up a ton of resentment and fear. Nothing corrodes a relationship like that. I'm sorry, hon. I am working on some "stuff," too, and it's hard. But I have a strong feeling it's worth it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 You went into this with your expectations of what the trip would be, however, you did not share your expectations with your spouse. His expectations are different from yours. I don't think you will change anything on this trip. You need to accept that and choose to make the best if it. That may mean going off with the kids to do what you want and leaving him to deal with the situation he created. To be honest, it sounds like you need counseling. If he won't do couples counseling then go alone. Your situation of workaholic husband and you bearing the brunt of the day to day is exhausting and can lead to a lot of resentment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 This is not your vacation. You get through this as best as you can. Enjoy it as much as you can for what it is. Then you go home and start planning YOUR get away. It does sound to me that you could use a really nice get away - either alone or just with DH. Start planning it, talking to DH about it, get all your expectations on the table. Then also start figuring out how you are going to talk to DH about your needs and about your expectations for him as a husband and a father. He needs to hear it directly from you. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Well, I'm a bit angry for you really. The problem is bigger than trying to get through this "vacation". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Sending hugs. Dh is doing really not okay things and then acting perplexed that you're angry. That's a scam. He's playing games. And he knows it. I don't believe for a moment that he's not aware that he's essentially "checking out." I agree w/ those who say that this is about more than a vacation. If there's any way you can drag him to a therapist: do it. If he won't go, go on your own. And don't get discouraged if the first one is lame. Try a second one or a third one. There's good people out there, but sometimes you have to search. I'm really so sorry. And, btw, I'd do something special for myself this week like get a pedi or lay by the pool w/ a good magazine. Seriously, I'd say sr!*w the budget. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Yeah, the vacation isn't the issue, and I agree that there's no way to salvage it. I'd grit my teeth and try to make it suck less for the kids however you can. You mentioned boundaries with the friends--that's not the issue I don't think. It's the boundaries within your marriage that need work for you to be happy. I agree with Alley about the therapist for you if he won't go. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Sending hugs. Dh is doing really not okay things and then acting perplexed that you're angry. That's a scam. He's playing games. And he knows it. I don't believe for a moment that he's not aware that he's essentially "checking out." I agree w/ those who say that this is about more than a vacation. If there's any way you can drag him to a therapist: do it. If he won't go, go on your own. And don't get discouraged if the first one is lame. Try a second one or a third one. There's good people out there, but sometimes you have to search. I'm really so sorry. And, btw, I'd do something special for myself this week like get a pedi or lay by the pool w/ a good magazine. Seriously, I'd say sr!*w the budget. Alley Then again he may not be doing this on purpose. She did not mention ever telling him how she really feels about the way he acts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 It doesn't sound like this was planned as a family vacation since others were invited to be there. And flew in to so. I'd expect to be hanging out with friends and extended family most of the time if they'd flown their for the purpose of this event. And dh might go out late with the guys one or two nights, as I would with the gals on different nights, when the kids were younger. I'm just not seeing how this was expected to be a bunch of "just your immediate family" time when others were invited to be there. If you want that, you need to plan something where others aren't invited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Dh is doing really not okay things and then acting perplexed that you're angry. That's a scam. He's playing games. And he knows it. I don't believe for a moment that he's not aware that he's essentially "checking out." IME, never underestimate how clueless guys can be. Like most humans, they assume that everyone is like them and is content with how things are going if they are content. Mothers tend to learn to think about others (or maybe it comes naturally for many of us). Guys? They usually have to be taught directly. It comes naturally for a few, but not many IME. And both genders needs to learn about love languages. It's usually an eye opener into how we are different. It's helped me understand and show love better to my kids as well as my hubby (and him to me). We made sure we taught our guys about them as part of their "life lessons" with homeschooling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I think you have to let him have this one. Neither of you knew how it would work out and now you do. Next time you'll know. I also think you need a nuclear family only vacation (even if it's a staycation with local movies or day trips) and you need a minute to yourself. If your DH is NEVER taking care of the kids by himself he can't expect to have a complete relationship with them or to understand why you are fried. He and the kids NEED time where they are focused on one another and you need and deserve time off to be alone, do something you enjoy, and complete a thought without interruption. It's completely disrespectful of you to expect you to do a job 24/7 with no break that he can't handle for one day. Sometimes workaholic is an excuse for "my job is easier than kids." You're going to have to TELL him, not ask him what you need. It's the rare husband that says " You need a break. Take a weekend trip with your friends." You will have to plan and carry out your own break and let him know that he doesn't have the option of being some tyrant 'boss' that never gives his 'employee' a day off. If he won't or can't do the work of caring for the kids consider budgeting for paid help and break them in gradually. YOU are a person too and your needs matter even if they're different from his needs and expectations. It's also important to model for your kids that Mom is a person who deserves consideration and care and not merely the family servant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I would probably look around the location we were at, find fun stuff to do with the kids and just go do it without DH. It wouldn't be what I had wanted, but at least I could make some fun memories with the kids rather than wasting my time. KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I feel cheated out of what I consider a vacation. Since we haven't had a vacation before I see that we should have talked a lot more about what each of us expected. This seems to be dh's idea of vacation. It sounds like you need to speak up more and be more assertive about what you need and want—not just from a vacation but in general. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 you've had good advice. this is structured to not work the way you had hoped. here are some of the things i do. a) go for moments or hours, not days. eg. order breakfast in bed for the whole family. or take the whole family for an early morning swim. b) ask each person to put on a piece of paper three things they'd like to do with the time that is left. stipulate one thing with friends, one thing with family and one thing with siblings/spouse. then commit to making sure that each person gets at least one thing on their list before you leave. it was amazing to me how just getting one thing each transformed our vacations and our attitudes towards one another. c) buy really good books/movies etc. also chocolate, or whatever else you enjoy. fwiw, in my experience, when they have been away from family so much there is almost no way they can manage 24/7 with us. they haven't the skills or the expectations. so moments or events help the reintegration better than days or weeks. i also cope with it by deciding it is my vacation, and i plan it. i ask him when he'll be around, and then i plan the other times. when he is going to be around, i ask questions like, "so would you like a quiet family time or a sight seeing time?" and then make suggestions. once he gets going, my dh is good at making suggestions, one idea is to recruit the family who moved to the room next to you, and ask them to watch the kids so your dh and you can have breakfast together or dinner together or dessert together or ??? fwiw, ann ps. and in the long term..... good luck. we have worked like this in our daily lives, too. i will bring breakfast to bed, etc, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 oh, and i just remembered. the one thing we started in daily life that transformed family and relationships was that each day, each of us would spend 15 minutes one on one with a child. the child got to choose the activity. sometimes it was chess, sometimes it was reading, sometimes they would choose cooking or hiking or playing ball or knitting or ???? but just that 15 minutes one on one really helped dh reconnect with the kids, and did wonders for their sense of security. it is just about the best thing we have done. (and it took dh days and days to manage to let the child decide and to fully go with the suggestion, but he got there, and we haven't looked back!). now that they are teens, these have become events that last for an hour or a half day once or twice a week..... but the daily things have become more mutual and spontaneous. we also followed an idea i got from a mormon friend. (we aren't, but some of the family stuff is fabulous). so we started a movie night, a games night, etc, etc. it really helped. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I think the damage is done for this trip. Get home and plan a short vacation for you, all by yourself. Let dh know that he will need to arrange to some time to spend to take care of the kids while you are gone. You can't be the mother and wife you want to be if your needs are not met, and you need time to recharge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I'd be perfectly fine with dh staying out like that if he wanted. Seeing old friends is really important sometimes. I think the bigger issues are the context, not this vacation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Exactly. If you go on a trip so one partner can see old friends and family primarily, then maybe it's mostly a sacrifice for the other partner to support that. But then there has to be a trade off. The greater context is that there doesn't seem to ever be a trade off. There's never *her* vacation to do what she wanted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 In the meantime, look at the brochures or travel guides available at your hotel or look up that area on TripAdvisor, and come up with several things you would like to do by yourself or with your family. Then tell your DH what you'd like to do, make a specific plan so that you both know what the expectation is, and make it happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 IME, never underestimate how clueless guys can be.Not just guys. It took several blow ups before I realized dh didn't like me inviting others/staying out longer than planned because it was fun/ spending the evening with people we just met really bothered him. I would get caught up in all the fun I was having and not even notice he was uncomfortable. All that needs hashed out but not on vacation. A better time is when all are relaxed. Also, some folks just don't really want to do family oriented or kid things. A ball game or dance recital is torture for dh. Dh just doesn't soooo I do those things with my friends and their kids. He does movies or lunch. YMMV but you have to let each other know what you need and find your own middle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I noticed your children's ages on your signature. Regardless of what's going on with your husband, the whole notion of a restful vacation needs to be readjusted. Young children thrive on routine. Vacations mess with their established routines. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinsomeCreek Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Thank you. Oh my gosh- SO many wise words and perspectives here. Not all represent my situation, but good to think about. The impetus for this trip was the event. We turned it into a family vacation because we have never taken one. We're always so busy. This became a reunion of sorts as Dh started inviting people. Some of the people then contacted other people.... I would say time/talk is my love language. Dh is touch and affirmation. He is very proud of us, especially of ds who performed in NYC, and wanted to share that. He gets so much out of putting his arm around me publicly. He's just meeting his needs. Locally he is very low key so this gives him a chance to puff up a bit. He deserves that. I also don't begrudge him spending all night with his friends, except that this cost me that time. I do ask for or state what I want, but he never hears a first pass. It takes more repetition and volume or confrontation. I have a problem saying no and asserting my needs. I truly don't resent doing a lot alone. It's more that when I need to have that together time, it's seldom available and I don't force the issue. I am starving for alone time though. Dh provides for us and is happy to have me spend every dime he makes on myself or the kids. I like controlling our day to day. All in all for us the separate tasks works mostly well. Time seems to be our scarce resource. I feel that isolated time together is what we need much more than counseling. Dh agrees. So I guess I could best describe it as he has a thick layer to get through and I'm not aggressive enough to make it happen. He does also have that nasty habit of always being tech connected thus working. No, at this point this is not a family vacation. I am accepting what this is and enjoying it. We had a great morning with friends and have reserved the afternoon for ourselves. I plan on looking into remote beach getaways and getting over my frugal nature enough to book a trip. Dh will show if I email the itinerary and arrange his days off. He actually prefers when I am his executive assistant. I gave up that role a few years back, but in the short term maybe need to revive it. I think greater changes need to be approached slowly- like turning a freighter. We've made them before. It's possible. There are some fundamental changes I have to make in myself at this point if I want to change the relationship. But when there's never a quiet moment to think or together time to talk.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinsomeCreek Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 you've had good advice. this is structured to not work the way you had hoped. you are preaching to the choir with me. i actually cannot recall a vacation where dh did not work some or most of the time. (he does conference calls for hours when we are on a family trip to disneyland, for example). i have solved this by fully embracing camping where there is no cell reception or internet. but for all those other times, here are some of the things i do. a) go for moments or hours, not days. eg. order breakfast in bed for the whole family. or take the whole family for an early morning swim. b) ask each person to put on a piece of paper three things they'd like to do with the time that is left. stipulate one thing with friends, one thing with family and one thing with siblings/spouse. then commit to making sure that each person gets at least one thing on their list before you leave. it was amazing to me how just getting one thing each transformed our vacations and our attitudes towards one another. c) buy really good books/movies etc. also chocolate, or whatever else you enjoy. fwiw, in my experience, when they have been away from family so much there is almost no way they can manage 24/7 with us. they haven't the skills or the expectations. so moments or events help the reintegration better than days or weeks. i also cope with it by deciding it is my vacation, and i plan it. i ask him when he'll be around, and then i plan the other times. when he is going to be around, i ask questions like, "so would you like a quiet family time or a sight seeing time?" and then make suggestions. once he gets going, my dh is good at making suggestions, but it sometimes takes a while for that to kick in. i would love it if he'd plan it, but that is not the way he comes wired. one idea is to recruit the family who moved to the room next to you, and ask them to watch the kids so your dh and you can have breakfast together or dinner together or dessert together or ??? fwiw, ann ps. and in the long term..... good luck. we have worked like this in our daily lives, too. i will bring breakfast to bed, etc, etc. and gradually he has learned and carves out time for us, too. but its gradual, and can go sideways in a heartbeat. This is gold. I need to think smaller. I hung my expectations on a grand vacation when really I need to be looking for that 30 minutes of focused time. Mybe I can try that here and start the process. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinsomeCreek Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Not just guys. It took several blow ups before I realized dh didn't like me inviting others/staying out longer than planned because it was fun/ spending the evening with people we just met really bothered him. I would get caught up in all the fun I was having and not even notice he was uncomfortable. All that needs hashed out but not on vacation. A better time is when all are relaxed. Also, some folks just don't really want to do family oriented or kid things. A ball game or dance recital is torture for dh. Dh just doesn't soooo I do those things with my friends and their kids. He does movies or lunch. YMMV but you have to let each other know what you need and find your own middle. This is an issue. After a day of socializing I wasn't interested in going out on the town. Edited bc too personal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinsomeCreek Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Nice to be understood.â˜ºï¸ Looking at it through some of your eyes I can see how it really wasn't framed as a family vacation. I used the event to force the issue of getting away together. But this was about the event and bringing people together. I have to not be afraid to demand a family vacation just because we deserve one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Yeah, I would really just suck it up this time, but this is not a vacation. Plan a vacation that really is a vacation in the not too distant future. Schedule (and pay) ahead for stuff like spa treatments, dad-kid activities (without mom), or kid-minder services. Go someplace where you don't know anyone. Or maybe just take a short vacation locally, getting someone to take care of the kids while you go chill out somewhere. Or go away for a weekend retreat. I tend to have very busy "vacations" too, and I'm a single mom who works during vacations, so I know how relaxing it isn't. :p But I know going in that this isn't about relaxing. It's about seeing new places and having experiences we couldn't have at home. For me, in this season of life, relaxing is more a state of mind than anything else. On the other hand, I don't homeschool, so I usually get a chance during the week to chill (in between work deadlines). I think of someday going alone to some sort of spa that combines natural beauty, massages and facials, yoga and meditation, great healthy food, and lots of time to read and sleep. I don't know if such a possibility exists for me, but it's fun to think about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I would also plan a talk with him later about how time is used when you are not on vacation. Personally I would try to agree on two evenings a week when he doesn't have outside plans. One to spend with the whole family, and one to spend with you. Even if he's a workaholic, he can make that much time. I know, I'm a workaholic too. :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I'd echo Chris in Va. This is not a vacation. Honestly, I think you make the best of this now, plan things yourself that are suitable for you & the kids and let him do what he wants. and then, when you get home, you pick up a phone to a marriage counselor. If he won't come, you go yourself. Everything about this seems 'off' to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 One more thought: you have four boys ages 0-10. I was once in a similar spot, with a part time job added to the mix. I tried to see it as a season of life, but I also *really* desperately needed some time to myself. It took a number of pointed, even desperate conversations for me to get this point across. I would encourage you to force the issue of getting some time ALONE, just in order to write up a list of your needs! Then you can begin to negotiate for what you need. Because speaking from experience here...the demands change over time, but if you become the person who "does everything" you will continue to be that person forever. Mission creep maybe, but still it amounts to continued loss of your own needs. Don't settle for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinsomeCreek Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 Updating that we had a great trip! We formed some special new bonds and strengthened old ones. We also have a staycation planned for later this month where Dh said he would make sure to be inaccessible to work! A reminder to myself to be heard and that Dh is coming from a place of love, even though he has his flaws. It did help to vent here and get opinions not weighted with emotional history. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Updating that we had a great trip! We formed some special new bonds and strengthened old ones. We also have a staycation planned for later this month where Dh said he would make sure to be inaccessible to work! A reminder to myself to be heard and that Dh is coming from a place of love, even though he has his flaws. It did help to vent here and get opinions not weighted with emotional history. That is GREAT. One thing I have learned is that things go much better when I hold to the idea that dh is coming from a place of love even when it isn't MY place of love or we think differently on things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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